


Chase the Wind

by DrakkHammer



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Don't give up on Dis, Feels, Fili & Kili are NOT related, M/M, Paraplegia, Romance, Sexytimes, we will figure this out together, wheelchairs can be sexy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-03 18:57:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 41
Words: 241,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1754655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrakkHammer/pseuds/DrakkHammer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili went by the nickname of Chase on the BMX bike racing circuit. He never rode anything but a Chase, the world’s elite racing bike, and he was pushing for a spot on the Chase BMX World Cup team. There was a shot at the Olympics in Rio on the board as well. Unfortunately there was also a drunk who didn’t make a turn. Kili never even saw the driver who crushed his spine, his legs and his dreams. Now life means dealing with a very different set of wheels and priorities.</p><p>Fili is an artist and photographer from Auckland to research his ancestry. His showing in London did well and he is trading the sun of NZ for the emerald damp of Ireland. He’s left other things; too and for the first time in years he feels he might have a future. He just didn’t expect it to include a gorgeous young Irishman with chocolate eyes, a wild mane of dark hair and a family that could give any prospective suitor second thoughts.</p><p>M/M - Fili and Kili are NOT brothers. Slow burn romance. It will get around to that E rating. </p><p>My thanks forever and always to the Mighty Pabu for volunteering to illustrate this story. I'm in awe of her talent and know she will make this a much better story that it would have been.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

 

 

**Chapter 1**

 

As Kili sat at the table in the pub, he sipped his Guinness and half listened to Ori expounding on his new favorite author. The only one listening was Dwalin, who seemed to think that everything his boyfriend said was fascinating. It was early and the DJ hadn't shown up yet. The background music was a jig, but as soon as the entertainment arrived the place would turn more disco than pub. Kili winced a little at that thought and took another sip. He would have preferred a quieter place, but Ori insisted on dragging him out, saying he'd been locking himself away and that wasn't healthy.

Yeah, healthy. Fuck healthy. Fuck everything. He would have gotten up and left except that the guy behind him had scooted his chair back, blocking Kili's wheelchair from moving. His hands fisted, nails digging into his palms. He should have known better than to let Ori talk him into coming out. It didn't help that his uncle, Thorin, had gotten in on it and practically wheeled him out the door bodily.

Trying to control his anger and self-pity he took a breath and looked around. Like many pubs and bars in Dublin this one served a mix of straight and gay couples of both genders. It was one thing he liked about the gay scene here, there wasn't the segregation like there was in some places. Sure there were gay bars, but mostly they were for shows or if you felt like splashing out. Or if you were in mind to try hooking up. He snorted. Well, that was something he wasn't going to have to worry about any more. Ryan’s was just a run-of-the-mill Irish pub that served everyone, had decent food at reasonable prices, a patio for warm weather noshing and a DJ every Friday and Saturday night. They used to have traditional music, but as more students started coming in, Ryan had to play what paid the bills.

Nori said something that Kili missed. “I said, that wee redhead in the corner looks lonely.”

“Well then, go chat her up. You're a free man now,” Kili replied disinterestedly.

Nori jerked his thumb toward Dwalin and Ori. “I didn't want to abandon you to them.”

The Irishman laughed. “I think I'll survive. I've actually read the book he's going on about.” He watched Nori close the distance with the redhead and mentally toasted him when he smoothly took the seat next to her. The bugger wasn't the handsomest guy around and was a bit dodgy in his morals, but the ladies loved him. He truly had the Irish gift of gab—the one that had avoided Kili since his birth.

Dwalin turned to Kili. “You need another drink, mate?”

Kili held up his glass to show that it was still half full. “If I drink too much then I have to piss and that's no fun for anyone.”

The Scotsman's brow furrowed. “You know I can help if you need it.”

Kili forced a smile. “I'm healed enough to transfer on my own and I'd just as soon not have another bloke in the loo with me, if you don't mind.”

Ori giggled and was about to say something when Kili shot him a mock ferocious look. “Don't even go there.”

“Okay, okay, I won't. But I want you to have fun.”

“I am having fun,” Kili replied.

“If this is you having fun, damned if I want to see you having a bad time,” Dwalin said evenly. “Look, there's fuck all anyone can do about the wheels, so you just gotta get on with it.”

“Oddly enough that's exactly what Thorin said...oh and my physiotherapist, and my doctor, and the lady in the dairy on the corner, come to think of it.” He gave Dwalin a sour look and took another swig of stout.

The place was filling up; the jerk behind him blessedly moved his chair and actually apologized. Now that he wasn't trapped, Kili could allow himself to have a little better time. The DJ was setting up and the dance crowd was arriving. All the pretty young people, he mused. All the pretty _able bodied_ young people.

The lights dimmed and the music started. In spite of himself, Kili was caught up in the rhythm and sat bopping quietly in his chair. He had loved to dance, almost as much as he'd loved biking. It seemed that everything he loved had been taken away from him, leaving him with only broken pieces, like a shattered mirror that showed a fractured image.

 _Gawd, you're a dismal fuck,_ he thought, pushing the image out of his mind. Looking up he watched the dancers. At least he could still do that.

Dwalin had gotten up and when he returned he set a yellow drink down in front of Kili. “This is for what ails you, ya gloomy sod.”

“What the hell is it?” he asked, nudging the glass with his forefinger.

“Penicillin,” the Scot replied laconically. “Two kinds of scotch and some other shit to make it taste like something besides scotch. Guaranteed to take away the pain.”

He took a sip. It wasn't bad. Another sip. It was actually pretty good. After his second round of Penicillin he was feeling a whole lot better. The place was starting to rock and Kili let himself rock along with it. The dance floor had filled up and he was alternating between watching the dancers and the people standing at the bar. The beat kicked up, thinning the dancers on the floor. One caught his eye.

He wasn't tall, but he moved as if he owned the dance floor. He had golden hair that was short in back, but long soft curls framed his forehead. Something on his face glinted. A piercing, no...beads...beads on the tips of a long impossible mustache. It was the damnedest thing Kili had ever seen and he found himself laughing as he watched them flip with the dancer's movements. He was dressed in grey slacks and what appeared to be a black silk shirt, open at the neck. He was compact and perfectly in proportion. His partner was taller and a far less adept dancer. As the Irishman watched he could see from the distance that they maintained that they were not a couple. For some reason he found that comforting.

The music changed to a slow dance and the dancers cleared the floor. Ori and Dwalin had gotten up to dance, leaving him alone. Kili took a sip of Penicillin and was about to swallow when someone sat next to him. He turned and looked into the bluest eyes in Dublin. It was the blond from the dance floor. He very nearly let his drink drool down his chin.

“May I have this dance?” The accent was soft and not one he recognized.

Kili blinked once, swallowed and replied, “In case you haven't noticed I'm not much of a one for dancin' these days.”

The smile was slow and, my god, framed by dimples. “I did notice. Now, may I have this dance?”

“I don't know how to dance in this.” The Irishman was baffled. Why him? Why pick someone in a chair? They taught him how to wheel in physio, but no one ever mentioned dancing.

“I think, if we take it slow, we can figure it out.” That incredible dimpled smile again.

Impossibly Kili found himself nodding. He rolled onto the dance floor followed by the blond. When they got on the floor, the blond said, “Hold your arms out stiff.” Kili did and found himself being slowly pushed backward and then pulled forward. The blond smiled reassuringly as if to say, “See, it works.” and he relaxed just a little. His partner moved next to him and the brunet found himself in somewhat of a tango position as he was rolled and spun slowly around the floor to the beat of the music.

After the third turn when he allowed himself to stop panicking, he realized that he was eye level with his partner's midsection. He couldn't see dimples from this position but it was ideal for watching other, more intimate things. That thought made him blush and nearly forget to keep his arm stiff.

When the dance ended his partner gave him a deep bow. He started to wheel himself off the dance floor. The music started up again. It was “Let's Hear it for the Boy” from _Footloose_.

 _Oh hell no!_ Kili thought as he tried to spin off of the dance floor. He was just a second too late.

The gorgeous blond took his hand and pulled him back. He looked up into those smiling eyes and eatable dimples, realizing that he was fighting a losing battle. When a man who looks like this looks at you like that and wants to dance...you dance.

Rock wasn't as easy as a waltz and they had less room to maneuver. They finally settled for sort of bouncing in one place, which was just fine with Kili. He was never one to argue about having a tempting midsection gyrating in his line of vision. There might be just one tiny perk to his new height after all.

The blond surprised him by singing along with the song in a really decent tenor.

_'Cause every time he pulls me near,  
I just wanna cheer._

He took Kili's hand and spun him easily, a move he had no idea he could do in a wheelchair. This was starting to be fun.

  _Let's hear it for the boy. aaah,_  
Let's give the boy a hand.   
Let's hear it for my baby.

Another spin and the blond leaned in close and sang as if Kili were the only person in the world.

  _You know you gotta understand._  
Maybe he's no Romeo,   
But he's my loving one-man show.   
 Let's hear it for the boy...

By the end of the song the Irishman was feeling a bit giddy and couldn't help thinking that, as pickup lines go, this one was pretty awesome. It almost made him forget he was in a chair and not floating around the floor in the blond's arms.

When the music stopped he was escorted off the floor by his partner, who breezily requested that the folks at the next table budge over and make room. They did and Kili pulled up to the table. There was not an empty chair until Dwalin and Ori suddenly decided to dance. One dance was usually the Scotsman's limit and the brunet didn't miss Ori's smile of delight as he was whisked back onto the dance floor.

Kili looked up at the blond and smiled. “It seems a seat has come open.”

“Indeed it has. May I join you?” The accent was pronounced and still unidentifiable.

Kili nodded. “Somehow I don't think I could stop you.” He picked up his glass and held it without drinking. It gave him something to focus on.

“I'm afraid I've come across as being pushy. Sorry about that, mate.” The blond held out his hand. Kili put his drink down so that he could shake it. “I'm Philip Durinson but my mates call me Fili—with an F.”

Kili blinked at him. “You're kidding, right? I'm Killian Oakenshield, but my mates call me Kili—with a K.”

“Well, that's synchronicity for you,” he replied with a grin. Seeing Kili's blank look he quickly said, “Our names sound like they should be connected, but they really aren't...unless you'd like them to be.”

The Irishman cocked his head and looked at Fili, unable to figure out where this conversation was headed. “Are you hitting on me?”

“Like a hammer.”

He looked into those blue blue eyes and swallowed hard. “Why?”

A casual shrug followed by another smile with those amazing dimples. “You're the hottest bloke in the room. I thought this night was going to be a dead loss and then I look over and see you.”

“How did you know I was...gay?”

“I took a chance. Your friends are a couple, so I thought, at least he won't take a swing at me if I ask for a dance.”

Kili was feeling...well...he didn't know what he was feeling. Rehab had taught him how to deal with his condition, but nothing was ever really discussed about dating beyond that it was possible, even probable. He'd talked with his mentor who was straight and married and not really any help figuring out the gay scene. At one point there was a brief discussion of sexuality that had embarrassed him because it also assumed he was straight. But there was no information provided on how to handle a bloke trying to pick him up. When his well-meaning mentor finally admitted, “I don’t even know how that can work,” in response to a question, he gave up. As far as his love life, he was on his own.

“I don't date.” There he'd said it, now go away.

“Why not?”

Oh shit, he wasn't going away. Now what? He looked at Fili and then looked meaningfully at his chair, slapping his hand on the wheel for emphasis.

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Not to me it isn't. The chair isn't a reason, it's an excuse.” He paused for a moment and then looked sad. “I was hoping you might find me as attractive as I find you.”

He started to go, but Kili reached out and stopped him. “I do think you’re...uh...attractive, _(fucking mind-blowing might be more accurate)_ but I..l don't know...how,” he finished, sounding pitiful and stupid.

 

 

 

He was saved from his pity-party when Fili took his hand and said, “I don't know, either, but I'm willing to try to find out. That is, if you are.” 

“I don't know.” He was sure he looked panicked. He felt panicked. This was not something he ever thought he'd have to handle and he was doing a piss poor job of it.

The blond smiled at him. “Think about it. There's no rush. Give me your number and I'll call you. We'll talk so you don't feel pressured to give answers right now.” He pulled out his phone and took Kili's number, giving Kili his in return.

 “Would you like me to bugger off and give you some space? Your mates can't dance all night.” He stood up, prepared to leave.

“No. I...uh...”

The DJ took a break, clearing the dance floor. On his way back to the table Dwalin solved the problem by returning with a chair he'd scored on the other side of the room.  He set it down next to Kili, looked at Fili and said, “Sit!”

“Yes sir.” Fili sat.

He looked at Dwalin, with the ponytail, piercings and tattoos and then at Ori, who looked like a teacher, and thought that opposites did indeed attract. Ori was beaming up at his boyfriend, but managed to tear his gaze away long enough to lean across the table.

“Our Kili is a fine thing, isn't he?”

“Ori!”

“Well he is, isn't he, Dwalin?” He poked the Scot who put down his ale and grinned.

“Aye, he's put himself on a bit of a shelf, but he just needs takin' down and shakin' out to be put right.” He extended a huge hand and introduced himself. “I'm Dwalin Fundin and this little sassy bit is Ori Ri.”

Fili introduced himself and the three of them sat smiling while Kili seriously thought about seeing if the kitchen had a gas oven he could put his head into. 

Dwalin took a sip of his ale and observed the blond. He reached out and flipped one of his mustache braids. “What’s up with the lip doodads?”

Fili shook his head, making them sway. “My niece decided to ‘fix’ them for me. My cousins and I had been having a bet as to who could grow the longest mustache and I won. Caroline didn't like the wax I was using so she came up with the braids and beads idea.”

“I like it,” Ori volunteered cheerfully.

“I have to admit that it's grown on me, although I've found myself trying to eat them a couple of times. They're a pain in the ass and I'll whack them off at some point.” He winked at Ori. “It does appear to be a conversation starter, though.”

'I would think it would start more than a conversation.” Ori realized what he'd just said and sat there blushing until Dwalin chuckled and patted his arm.

Thinking he should at least try to add something to the conversation, Kili leaned toward Fili and said, “I don't recognize your accent. Where are you from?”

“I'm from New Zealand,” he responded. “I don't suppose you see many Kiwis around here.”

“Nope, we don't. What part of New Zealand?” the brunet asked, swirling his drink and trying to act cool.

“Auckland. It's on the north island. It's the biggest city in the country.” He laughed. “Just keep nodding, I know you don't have a clue where it is. That's why I'm here. I need to get my work out a little more and I plan to do a little genealogy research while I’m here. My great-grands came from here during the Great Hunger. Since this is the second most beautiful country in the world, I will have plenty to keep me busy.”

Intrigued, Kili asked, “What do you do?”

“I'm an artist and a photographer. I had a showing in London that did okay, but I admit that I came over to this side of the pond so that I could come to Ireland, Dublin specifically, and eventually the rest, well in the Republic anyway. I will be able to do a lot of photo shoots and I have some places set that I want to paint.”

Ori was getting excited. Next to books he loved art the best. He was working on his Ph.D. in something Kili could never remember and absorbed anything remotely arty like a sponge. “How long will you stay?”

“Until I'm done, or the country throws me out,” he replied cheerfully. He spotted a waitress and ordered a round of drinks for everyone.

Free drinks were always welcome and a good time was had by all. Or would have been if Kili hadn't devoted every other thought to panicking about dating and...sex. He had experimented once and had trouble getting an erection, so he'd stopped and never tried again. He'd just moved sex to that dustbin along with racing his bike and all the other things he was never going to do again. He didn't have a boyfriend before his accident and had avoided the issue afterward.

It was getting late and Kili had to pee. Actually he was way past having to pee. That was another thing they didn't teach you in physio—how to pee in a pub toilet that was crowded with inebriated students. Shit and double shit. He knew he shouldn't have had that last drink. His original goal had been to make it home without having to hit the loo. Looks like that resolution had hurled itself out the window. He finally bit the bullet and leaned over to Dwalin, who quickly nodded and stood up.

“I'll be back in a minute,” the Irishman said, rolling his chair away from the table. He couldn't look at Fili. Well, that was that. Who the hell wants to date someone who needs an escort to the loo? He followed Dwalin who was doing his Moses impersonation parting the sea of students who were between him and the can. Once in he could pretty much manage on his own, but he was still so new at this that he was nervous about it. The big Scotsman was a paramedic who had seen it all, so he wasn't embarrassed, but that didn't make Kili hate needing help to get to the loo any less.

Once a path to the handicapped stall was cleared it didn't take long. Seeing that this one was well equipped, Dwalin stood outside the ready to help if needed, staring straight ahead as still and silent as if carved from stone. Relieved that he'd be able to use the loo without assistance, Kili had no difficulty managing. He'd wisely worn pants with a stretch waist and was able to pull them down and then transfer to the toilet unassisted; The same with the return.

After he was out of the stall Dwalin grinned at him. “I don't think you're going to need me again, mate. You've got it sorted.”

Kili nodded. “Yeah, as long as I can actually get _to_ the stall I'm gold. It's parting these fuckin' deaf students that's the challenge. I may always need you for that, they don't get out of the... EXCUSE ME! ...way.”

When he got back to the table he was surprised that Fili was still there. He smiled (damn those dimples!), and welcomed them back. “That didn't take long.”

Dwalin hauled out his chair and plopped down. “Naw, he doesn't need me to hold it for him anymore.”

Kili was mortified. He felt his face flame and wished he could kick Dwalin. Ori took care of it for him and a satisfactory yelp was heard. “I'm just kiddin' for the love of god, I think you broke my leg.”

Ori was like one of those little terriers that you didn't mess with. “I should have broken both of them. What a thing to say in front of our guest.”

The Scot glared at Fili as he rubbed his shin. “He's not our guest, he's trying to pick Kili up.” He deftly scooted out of range as Ori aimed another kick.

The blond was bemused by the first kick, but he was up to speed by the second and was laughing so hard he was having trouble breathing. “Does he always take the piss like this?”

“Only when I can't reach him,” Kili confirmed. “He's a right arse sometimes. I think it’s the fact that he was brought up with the sheep and never learned proper manners.”

“Hey, I resemble that remark,” Dwalin said with a grin. “Can't take the livestock—stay outta the barn.”

Kili looked over at Ori and moaned. “Remind me again why I hang out with you two.”

The smaller man reached over and patted his hand solicitously. “It's because we love you.”

“God help me if you didn't...”

It was long after midnight and Kili finally had to admit that he was getting tired. The place was packed and there was no room for a wheelchair on the dance floor so blessedly he wasn't hauled out again. Before he had to say something Ori noticed that he was fading and came to his rescue.

“I have to get up in the morning and work on my dissertation, so as much as I hate to break this up…a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.”

“Yeah, me too,” Kili said. “It's been a long day.”

Fili rose and requested that the people at the neighboring table move so that Kili could wheel out. He walked them outside and stopped next to the brunet. “I'll call you tomorrow.”

“That would be brilliant,” he replied. He watched the blond walk away and heaved a sigh. What a perfect ass, it was too bad that was the last he would see of it.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lunch date (is it a date...Kili isn't sure) and some time well spent. It's Dublin and it rains. Rain is always nicer when you have someone to be with. But pressure drops just plain suck.
> 
> If you love the art as much as I do, please follow Pabu on Tumblr and do let her know how much you appreciate her lovely drawings.  
> [ **Pabu - Hvit-Ravn**](http://hvit-ravn.tumblr.com)

 

Kili woke up and winced. He had only a slight hangover, which was a blessing. After not drinking for so long he should have been hanging over the side of the bed begging for someone to come and kill him. He had to piss like a racehorse, though, and practically threw himself into his waiting chair.

 Urinal or toilet? Screw pissing into a bucket, he’d done that enough in the hospital. He made it to the loo, did his little acrobatics which hauled his pajamas down and transferred easily. Ahhh...the best things in life really were free. Now for the *ta da* bowel program and then on to more pleasant things.

 Now breakfast? Juice? Coffee? Coffee!!

 He whipped the little pot into shape quickly and sat drinking orange juice out of the carton as he waited for it to perk. He followed the juice with chilled water, trying to rehydrate and banish the nagging twinges of hangover that was still tap dancing on his temples.

When the coffee was done perking he poured himself a mug, dumped far too much sugar into it and wheeled over to the table to set it down. He thought he could manage some toast. He popped two slices of bread in and then went exploring in the fridge to see what he could find. Wincing, he grabbed butter and currant jam, and then slammed the door shut before the science exhibit on the second shelf could come after him. It was either very old lunchmeat or very new cheese. Either way, it was green and he thought he saw it breathing.

 He fished the toast out onto a plate and plopped it on the table. He was going to have to impose on someone soon to take him to the store. Shit, he hated that! He couldn't wait until he got his car with hand controls. Being without transportation sucked big time. He knew that no one really minded helping, but he had been independent since he was eighteen and to have to start asking for rides and assistance was just balls.

 So was living in housing for the elderly slash disabled. Thorin had wanted Kili to move in with him, but that would have meant cutting a new door and modifying the loo and shower. He had been living on his own for several years and didn't want to be in someone else's house, no matter how good their intent was. He was just glad that his mum had steps so there was no question about moving back home. Dis was a lovely mum, but would have mothered him to death in a day. And there was that whole not quite understanding that he was gay thing.

 He shoved most of the piece of toast into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. He didn't have PT today so he was free to do whatever. The trouble was that without wheels and while still waiting for the insurance claim to be settled he wasn't exactly flush. There was fuck all to do when you were broke and limited to where you could roll. He looked at the second piece of toast and pushed it away, heaving a sigh.

 He washed his few dishes and headed back into the living room. Picking up his phone from where he'd dropped it on the end table when he'd come in last night he checked for messages, sure there would be none. He was wrong.

 There were two text messages and a voice mail. As he was about to check the messages the phone rang, startling him into nearly dropping it. He juggled the mobile and then managed to finally answer it.

 “Are you finally awake?” There was no mistaking the Kiwi accent. “I'd nearly given up hope.” There was a pause. “You aren't avoiding me, are you?”

 “What? Huh? No...no...I just got up. Well, a few minutes ago,” he replied quickly, feeling slightly defensive. “Was that you who left the texts and message?”

 “I don't know if anyone else did, but yeah, I called a couple of times. I told you I would, remember?”

 “Yeah, I remember,” Kili admitted, not adding <i>but I thought you wouldn't.</i>

 “I originally called to see if you wanted to have breakfast, but now I'll ask you out to lunch. My treat. I don't know Dublin very well yet, so you pick the place.” Fili certainly sounded interested enough.

 “Do you have a car because there aren't any decent pubs close to me.”

 “So, I take it that's a yes. Brilliant! I do have a car. If you give me your address I can pick you up in half an hour, or would an hour be better?” He laughed. “I sound desperate, don't I? I've spent the last week working on my studio and I suppose I am desperate to get away for awhile. I hope you don't mind.”

 Kili laughed. “Not a bit. You can be desperate with me any time. A half hour will do.”

 He gave Fili his address and then practically flew into the bathroom. Yanking off his shirt, he slid his pants down and then bent and took them off. Rolling over to his shower he did a quick transfer onto his shower bench. He didn't wait for the water to warm and let out a yelp when he got a face full of cold water.  “Well, I'm fuckin' awake now,” he mumbled to himself as he hurriedly soaped and rinsed.

 When his occupational therapist was teaching him how to shower it seemed to take him forever. Now he was done in minutes. He grinned to himself as he flopped on the bed to finish drying. It was amazing what the right motivation could do. He combed his hair back with his fingers and fastened his wild mane with the clasp in back. He'd let it grow when he was in the hospital and decided he liked it long. Somehow the wild look hinted at a freedom he no longer had.

 In half an hour Kili was sitting in front of his apartment building. He adjusted his shirt and checked himself. He'd paired black soccer pants with an olive drab shirt that sported the Guinness logo. As far as he could see he was good to go. His socks even matched...each other. What more could a guy want?

Fili rolled up in a sleek red Honda Tourer. Kili approved. Not only was it a sharp looking car, but there was plenty of room to stash his chair. It slid to a stop in front of him and the blond hopped out smiling, those impossible mustache braids and his dimples playing havoc with Kili's concentration.

“How do you want to work this?” he asked cheerfully.

 “Well, I can get in and you can put the chair in back, or I can get it, break it down myself and put it in the back seat.” Kili found himself rocking back and forth a little as his nerves played him a bit.

 “Which would you prefer,” Fili asked quietly.

Kili ducked his head a little and looked embarrassed. “I sort of like to do things on my own, if that's alright.”

 “Fine by me. I'll stay out of your way until it's stowed.” He leaned up against the car, watching as Kili wheeled to the passenger side.

 The Irishman swung himself in easily, flipped the chair onto its side and popped off a wheel. He carefully laid it on the back seat and then did the same with the other wheel. He used his seat cushion to keep from scratching the paint as he collapsed the chair and hauled it in, dropping it behind him and wedging it into place so that it wouldn't shift.

 “All in,” he said a bit breathlessly.

 The blond slid in next to him and looked at the dismantled chair. “That was bloody impressive. I had no idea they came apart like that.”

 Kili laughed. “I didn't either until I needed one.”

 “Well, where should we go? I'm starved.”

 “Ryan's makes a mean burger and chips, unless you want something more posh.”

“After having to put up with the tarts at my gallery opening I'm up to here with posh. A burger sounds brilliant.” Fili pulled out smoothly and in minutes had them parked at the pub. He hopped out and waited while Kili put his chair together and slid into it.

 They found a table and Kili waited a moment while Fili moved a chair to make a space for him. It felt nice to have someone do that. It was like being seated and he had to admit that he liked that kind of attention. The menus were on the tables and Kili went straight for the burgers. He knew exactly what he wanted. Ryan's had started stocking craft beer and Buried at Sea stout with its milk chocolate flavor was definitely his favorite. Fili grimaced a little at the idea and stuck to draft beer. What a plebeian.

 The service was fast and excellent. Their burgers arrived and Fili dug in as if he hadn’t eaten for a week. He chewed slowly with a look of pure bliss on his face. After he swallowed he said, “You weren’t kidding, this is brilliant.” He turned to the barman and gave a big “thumbs-up.”

 His mobile played a few bars of “Baba O'Riley” and Kili looked at the caller. It was Ori, wanting to talk about last night, no doubt. He let it go to voice mail. A moment later it chimed with a text and he knew that he was going to have to pony up with info sooner or later.

“Not going to answer that?” the blond asked.

“Naw, it's Ori and if I pick up he will talk my ear off and then want to talk to you.”

  Fili chuckled. “He's a pretty interesting guy and so is his partner.”

 Kili laughed. “Dwalin and Ori are way way past interesting.”

 “Where did you meet them?”

 “I inherited Dwalin. His mother married someone who married someone related to me. I think he’s my uncle’s second or maybe third cousin. I don’t know what the hell that makes him to me,” the brunette said lightly.

 “A friend?” Fili volunteered.

 “Yeah. Definitely that.”

 “And Ori?”

 “Dwalin dragged him home from the library one day like a stray cat.” Fili's eyebrows shot up and Kili continued. “It was at uni and some chavs were taking the piss about him being gay. It was getting pretty serious when Dwalin happened along. He took Ori home with him and, being a smart man, Ori never left.”

The Kiwi chuckled. “They do sort of look like they belong to each other.”

“Yeah, it's worked out for them both. Dwalin was in with a rough crowd. Ori got him to be okay with coming out. They were up at uni until Ori finished his post grad for being a librarian and then moved down here when the library hired him. Dwalin got tired of being a mechanic and went and got training to be a paramedic.” He grinned. “He takes most of the piercings off before he goes to work. He says he doesn't want to scare anyone into a cardiac arrest.”

 Fili burst out laughing. “Well, EMT is about the last profession I would have picked for him.”

 “Me either. He looks scary, but he's very gentle. He says the little old ladies love him and are always trying to fix him up with their granddaughters.”

 He shook his head and took another sip of his beer. “So what do you do to make ends meet?”

 “What?” Kili mentally thumped himself for sounding like a twat. “You mean my job? I...well...I don’t have one at present.” He thumped the wheel of his chair and prayed he didn’t look as bitter as he felt.

 “Oh,” Fili said in a small voice. “I’m sorry.”

 “Nothin’ to be sorry for, mate,” Kili replied. “It’s not like it’s your fault.”

 “Can I ask what happened? Or would you prefer not to talk about it?” He looked from the Irishman to the chair and back, a worried look in his eyes.

 “I’ve told everyone and their mother, one more time won’t make a difference.” He tried to sound lighter than he felt. “I rode bikes, BMX racers. Had a stupid pipe dream to get sponsors and make it big. I was good and had some interest from the Chase BMX team and maybe a shot at the World Cup.” He became animated as he talked about racing, making Fili smile. “But a friend of mine who's into mountain biking got it into my head to try something different for shits and giggles. I was riding along the side of the road checking out a new bike, making sure everything was tight and all before taking it cross-country. Bastard that hit me was so drunk he never saw me.” Kili had to stop and take a breath, then continued. “Not only did he fucking run me over frontwards, he put it reverse and backed up. What he didn’t break in one direction, he got in the other.”

 Instinctively the Kiwi reached out and took his hand. Kili didn’t pull away. “I guess the off-road was a bad choice.” He took a long pull of his stout. “But my story isn’t a shit-ton of fun. I’d rather talk about you. You’re an artist and a photographer, you said?”

Fili squeezed his hand and let go. “Yeah, I do both. The painting’s been paying better of late, but the photography’s really why I came to Dublin. This is such an old city with a rich history and I want to capture that, for myself if nothing else.” He looked past Kili as if he was looking into the past. “My great-great-grandfather and his wife were from Dublin. They left during The Great Hunger and moved to New Zealand. I thought it only right that someone from the family returned to their home.”

 The brunet smiled slowly. He hadn’t expected Fili to be the historical type. “That Dublin’s long gone, but we have several historical societies and the National Museum and some out of the way places. I’m a bit into history myself and maybe I can take you here and there.” He smiled shyly. “You know, if you’re interested, that is.”

 “I am,” Fili said with a smile. “Very interested. There’s nothing like a tour from a native to get the lay of the land. So to speak.” His eyes were twinkling at his slight pun.

 Kili ducked his head; he knew he was blushing. He wanted to ask the Kiwi if he was seeing anyone. He didn’t fancy being the summer romance, or whatever the hell they called it. He almost winced as he though about romance. Damn, it was hard to stop thinking like he used to. Why would he think he’d be anyone’s romance? Suddenly nervous, he covered it by asking, “How long are you staying?”

 Fili shrugged. “I’m not sure; at least until the Holidays. I’d like to see the seasons.”

 Kili burst out laughing. “We don’t have seasons, we have rain. Sometimes it’s a little warmer. Sometimes it’s a little colder, but it’s always going to rain.” He looked up at the Kiwi’s somewhat stricken expression. “I’m sorry if I ruined your illusions of a white Christmas. Here it’s just wet and dreary. What’s Christmas like in Auckland? Tons of snow, yeah?”

It was Fili’s turn to burst out laughing. “Your winter is our summer, so we celebrate Christmas at the beach. Santa wears a Speedo and brings steaks for the barbie.” He paused and then laughed again. “You should see your face. Didn’t you know that the southern hemisphere has opposite seasons?”

Feeling like a massive idiot, Kili managed a nod and a muttered, “I forgot.” I was better than saying he’d probably been taking a kip during that part of geography.

“That’s okay, it’s not something you’d think about. I can’t imagine it being cold at Christmas. It will seem weird for it to be warm in July.”

 Now it was Kili’s turn to laugh. “Mate, it’s never warm here. Well, not generally Speedo warm anyway. But where else can you get double rainbows all the time and grow moss if you stand still for more than five minutes?”

 “I love it here already,” Fili said, looking straight at the brunet.

 Kili used that as a segue and asked, “Isn’t there someone waiting for you at home? I can’t imagine a bloke like you is single.”

 The sparkle left Fili’s eyes for a moment. “No, there’s no one. Not any more.”

 “Aww, I’m sorry,” Kili whispered. “I shouldn’t pry.”

 “Naw, it’s okay. I should have left long ago, but you know you always think it’s going to get better.” He looked past the Irishman as if he was seeing the past. “But some things just never do.”

 He was somber for a long moment and then his attention returned to Kili. “But that’s the past and I’m here in gorgeous Dublin with an even more gorgeous Irishman who’s volunteered to be my tour guide. What more could a bloke want?”

 Kili cocked his head and looked at the Kiwi. “Me being in a chair doesn’t bother you?”

 “Should it?”

 Fuck, he hated it when someone answered a question with a question. “Makes a difference to some,” he mumbled.

 Fili just shrugged. “I’m not fussed about it.” He picked up his beer and took a long swallow signifying that the conversation was ended.

 The Irishman sipped at his own beer, his mind in a muddle. He’d seen the looks on people’s faces. “Aw, what a shame such a young man is in a wheel chair.” “Hi! Uh…oh…never mind.” “You make me uncomfortable, go away.”

 His mentor had been quick to reassure him that it would get better as he became more adjusted to being a wheelie. He’d notice the looks less (like when he was 90) and there would be someone who wouldn’t care that he rolled instead of walking. On a rational basis he knew that being in a chair didn’t preclude him from being in a relationship, but that irrational part of his mind sat in a dark cloud that whispered that he would always be alone.

 Fili had wandered off again when he’d spotted something that caught his eye. He was the gorgeous one, leonine and graceful. Even when Kili was at the peak of his racing career he would have thought the Kiwi was out of his league – not because of looks – but class. A bike racer and a successful artist. Yeah, right...in his dreams. A one night stand maybe when the blond was slumming, but then back to his artsy-fartsy friends when it was over.

Fili noticed Kili watching him and winked. The Irishman felt a blush creep up his neck. Busted.

When Fili returned to the table they spent the rest of lunch talking about historic Dublin. Fili used his phone to jot down place names and ideas. He typed faster with his thumbs than Kili could with all his fingers. When he stopped he looked up an unreadable expression on his face.

“Would you like to come and see my studio? I don’t have any etchings, but I can show you the painting I’m working on. If you like art.” The blond looked hopeful and Kili nodded.

 “I’ve never seen a real art studio. My mum dabbled a while and we had paints and canvas all over the house for a few years.”

 “She’s probably neater than I am. I was able to rent a real honest-to-god loft in an old warehouse. It’s an artist’s dream. One whole wall is nothing but north light.” Fili had become animated, his arms flung out expansively as he tried to describe the studio. “The owner will probably have to throw me out to make me leave.”

 “Well, with that kind of buildup I guess I have to see this wonder for myself.” He paused. “Are you sure it’s accessible?”

 “Oh totally,” was the reply. “It was one of the big selling points since I didn’t want to haul all my crap up a lot of steps.  There is a flat entryway and I have my own freight elevator. I feel like a goddamn millionaire living in a penthouse.”

Fili paid and left a good tip even though there was a gratuity charge listed on the menu. He grinned. “Good pay for good food and service, mate. I’ll get the car.”

“Don’t rush,” Kili said quickly. “I’m going to make a pitstop before I leave.”

“Got it,” was the reply. “I’ll be out front.”

When they rolled up to the warehouse Kili was surprised that anything lived there except rats. 'I have the whole top floor,” Fili said excitedly. “It's amazing.”

“Yeah,” Kili said as he bailed out of the car. “Amazing.”

He did his best to reserve judgment and put on his interested face. He rolled up to the door that the Kiwi held open and was astonished to see that the inside, while still looking like a warehouse, was clean, painted and showing obvious signs of refurbishment.

“I think the second floor has been let, but I haven't met the tenant yet. I hope they aren't too noisy. Of course, with my luck it will be some rocker wanna-be and they will play the drums at 2am.”

He pointed toward one of the big open freight elevators that looked more like they were designed to move livestock than humans. “Here's our transportation. My private elevator, at least until the other tenant moves in. Step aboard, sir, and we shall float up to the penthouse.”

Kili ignored the word “step.” He was almost used to the fact that he would never step any place again. Well, he couldn't expect everyone to change their language to accommodate his fragile feelings. Blind people were asked if they had seen something and he was told to step onto an elevator. There were worse things in the world to hear.

The elevator worked like it looked...cranky and clumsy. It got them to the top floor without a mishap and Kili waited until Fili opened the door to his “penthouse.” He rolled in and looked around and just sat there with his mouth open.

It was huge with light streaming in through an entire wall of windows, north if he remembered correctly. The walls were brick up to about two meters; above that it was a warm soft of off-white, Kili guessed was the best description. The beams were painted black, making it look modern and not at all like a warehouse. In front of the north wall was a collection of easels, canvasses stacked against a wall and a long desk with multiple drawers covered with an assortment of artist's tools. Art was everywhere, with multiple colors and styles blending rather than clashing.

Kili went over to the long wall and was looking at the paintings. Fili walked up next to him. “Only a couple of those are mine. Mostly they are by friends.”

“Which ones are yours?” Kili was taken with the abstract that looked like a sunset.

Fili noted his interest and smiled. “That’s one of mine. I prefer to do abstract art and realistic photography. Although once in a while I get the urge to paint something from life.”

Kili grinned and arched his eyebrow.

The Kiwi laughed. “No, not nudes, but maybe I will change my mind one of these days. Sometimes I see a place that I want to paint rather than photograph.” He pointed across the room to the painting he was working it. It was a stark scene with a twisted tree overlooking a drop to a grey ocean. “A camera didn’t do it justice, so I went for the oils.”

“I like it. It looks lonely and like a surviving warrior.”

“That’s what I was going for.” Fili didn’t mention that he was the tree in the painting. He walked over and looked at it for a long moment and then looked back at the Irishman, his eyes going as grey as the ocean in the painting.

Kili noticed the change of expression and found it disconcerting. He wanted to ask, but chickened out. He spun his chair and whirled away. “This,” he said, rolling forward to look around, “is fucking brilliant. You even have a fireplace, mate. This is amazing.”

“Tell the truth, you thought I was bullshitting you.” Fili grinned so wide he looked like the Cheshire cat.

“No lie, I did.” The brunet rolled over by the fireplace and popped a wheelie. “This is way cooler than I could have imagined. Mmm, lying in front of the fire while snow drifts down past the windows...or in Dublin's case...rain. But I'll take what I can get.”

“Now that is an idea I'd like very much to see happen. And…I didn’t know you could do wheelies in a wheelchair?”

Kili did it again and rocked back and forth moving forward on one wheel at a time. He grinned wickedly. “It takes practice, balance and the willingness to bounce your head on the floor a few times before you get it right.”

The blond chuckled and shook his head. “You must have a hard nut.”

“Oh, you have no idea, mate. Mum says I’m ‘thick as a brick’ and I can’t argue with that. But if I want to get over curbs I had to learn. Besides, it impresses people.” He grinned. “Steps are next.”

Fili’s jaw dropped. “Really?”

“No. I wish I could ‘cause half of feckin’ Dublin is inaccessible.” His mood dropped a little.

Fili shrugged like it was no big thing. “Then I guess we’ll just have to stick to the places we can get into.”  He turned and his hand brushed a stack of photos, sending them cascading to the floor.

Eager to change the subject, the brunet rolled over to him. “Are those yours? Can I see?”

“Yeah, sure, why not.” He handed them to Kili, who sat leafing through them.

Some were shots of the city from the air, obviously taken as the plane had come in. It was an oddly comfortable mix of ancient and modern all cuddled together for protection from the Irish Sea. Some of the others were typical tourist shots, but the ones that impressed him were the photos of people. The Kiwi had an eye for an interesting face and a knack for catching someone at just the right moment.

“These are awesome, mate.” He held up one of an old woman with a flower she was just picking up from the street. Her face looked as if she had found gold instead of a trampled daisy. “Please tell me you’ll have a showing of these.”

“Maybe someday,” Fili said wistfully, “when I get good enough.” He took the photos and put them back on the table, ending the conversation.

 

 

 

Kili turned around and spotted a guitar propped up on a stand in the corner. It was old, well-loved and beautifully made. He went over to have a look at it.

“It's a 1932 Gibson L7,” Fili said lifting it from the stand. He held it out. “Do you play?”

Kili shook his head. “Not the guitar, I'm a fiddle man. What do you play?”

Fili ran his fingers lightly over the strings. “Oh nothing you'd be interested in, mostly classical and folk.”

The Irishman laughed, his eyes dancing with mischief. “Wrong, boyo, I play mostly Irish trad, although I had to suffer through classical when I was a kid. My teacher thought I should be 'well rounded.'”

Before he had finished his sentence the strains of “Brian Boru's March” filled the room. Fili's fingers moved easily over the strings, he switched effortlessly to “Si Beag, Si Mor.” The old guitar had a warm rich tone that brought out the beauty of the old tunes. Kili was torn between closing his eyes and enjoying the music and not being able to take his eyes off the blond's nimble fingers.

When he finished, Kili applauded, grinning. “Ever play any gigs?” he asked brightly.

Fili shook his head. “Never thought I was good enough.”

“Oh, you're good enough. Mum will never forgive me if I don't introduce you at some point. We have a little group that plays sometimes, mostly for fun, but we’ve done a couple of weddings and the odd party or two. They always feed the band and give us as much beer as we can drink and boy, can we drink.”

He was grinning from ear to ear. Fili wasn't sure if it was because he liked the playing or if it was because of the thought of unlimited beer. Either way, he found himself grinning back. “I'd love to meet her. You'll have to play for me some time.”

Kili nodded. “I haven't played since...well, it's been awhile, so I'm probably a little rusty.”

“Nothing some practice can't cure,” Fili put the guitar back on the stand. “I'm going to hold you to it, you know.”

He was about to hint that tomorrow might be a good day when he noticed Kili wince and adjust himself in the chair.

“Is something wrong?”

“Naw, just sat in one position for too long. Good music will do that to me,” he said, blowing off Fili's concern. He rolled over to the fireplace

No sooner had he spoken than there was a low rumble of thunder. “Crap, now you've done it, you had to mention precipitation.” Fili looked up at the skylight that showed only darkening sky. “Does it always come up this fast?”

“We're practically sitting in the Irish ocean, so the answer is yeah. Don't you get unexpected storms in Kiwiland?”

Fili went over and shut a window that had been left cracked. “Yeah, we do. I guess I was just too preoccupied to notice the weather.”

He was about to comment on what had distracted him when he noticed the Irishman wince and rub his thigh. “Are you okay, Kili?”

“It's the fucking pressure drop. I'm still healing and parts of me don't like this weather.” He reached behind him and pulled his rucksack into his lap. He fished around for a minute, and then started to actively dig. His expression went from mild annoyance to near panic.

Fili hurried over. “What's the matter?”

“Shit! I forgot to fill my pill case. I don't have any pain pills with me.” Kili's dark eyes widened and he dragged his fingers through his mane of hair. “I'm sorry, but I need to go.”

Fili looked at the rain pounding against the windows. “You can't go out in this.”

“You don't understand, if I let it get out of control...”

“I have some Paracetamol if that will help.” Fili was distraught. “What do you take, maybe I can get some.”

“Not unless you plan on knocking over a chemist, mate. I take the good stuff.” He tried to smile, but it wasn't working very well. The damned pain was shooting down his leg in waves. It was partly from bones that had been shattered and were still knitting and partially from the nerve damage that came with having been crushed.

Fili looked at him and made a decision. “Look, you can't go out, but I can. Tell me what I'm looking for and I'll bring them back to you.” A flash of lightning and almost immediate boom of thunder punctuated his words, making up Kili's mind. He loathed giving up control, but he was so slow at getting in a car and then breaking down the wheelchair that he and Fili and the car would get drenched. So he bit the bullet and swallowed his pride, as they say.

He dug his keys out and handed them to Fili.  “The bottle is on my night stand where I put it so that I would remember to fill my pill case. I'm fucking brilliant, aren't I? Are you sure you want to hang around with someone with my level of intelligence?”

“We all fuck up, Kili. It's no big deal. I'm happy to help.” He looked down at the brunet's strained face. “Is there something I can do before I leave? Would it help to get you out of that chair?”

Kili nodded and started for the sofa. Fili headed him off. “That's not comfortable, take it from my back. Let's get you on the bed, that way you can stretch out.”

Looking up at the blond, Kili tried to smile. “I see through your evil plan now.”

Fili chuckled. “You caught me. I arranged this storm just so that I could get you into my bed. Now I will get pills and drug you so that I can have my way with you.”

Kili wheeled toward the bedroom, following his host. “I won't be much fun for a while though.”

“I think I can deal with that,” Fili said quietly. He watched from the doorway as the Irishman positioned his chair and went to boost himself onto the bed. The height of the mattress combined with the spasticity that accompanied the pain made it impossible for Kili to hop onto the bed. He turned to Fili, his expression showing his discomfort and embarrassment at not being independent.

Without being asked, the Kiwi came around the foot of the bed. “How do you want to do this?”

“When I lift can you give my arse a boost?” He couldn’t make himself look at Fili when he said it. His left leg had decided to go into spasm and was beating out a snappy rhythm on his footrest.

“Okay, pardon my grip,” Fili said and before Kili could protest, he was gently lifted from the chair and laid on the bed.

“You were supposed to help, not fucking pick me up!” Kili protested snappishly.

 “Deal with it,” Fili replied sternly. “Your leg is apparently trying to escape. I didn’t think we should encourage it.”

 Without asking he bent down and removed the Irishman’s shoes. “I like your taste in footwear. Converse is the best.” Kili nodded but didn’t look at him.

He looked at the brunet’s waistband critically. “Are your pants putting pressure on your back. Do you want some help getting them off?

Kili glared at him. “Do I look like a fucking infant?”

Fili glared right back. “Hardly. You look more like an arsehole too proud to accept help when it’s needed. Friends help each other. Since we’re hanging out and you’re in my bed, I’d say that makes us friends.”

He was warring with the need for independence versus the need to make the pain stop. Finally the pain won out. “I’ll lift and you pull them off, yeah?

“Yeah.”

Kili boosted himself up on his palms and Fili slid the pants down and then off. He did not comment on the scars that twisted ridges and dug divots on the Irishman’s legs, but no one but a blind man could have overlooked them. He stretched out the leg that was twitching and looked up at the brunet.

“Your legs are ice cold.” He produced a heating pad from the dresser, plugged it in and laid it across Kili's thighs. “I use this on my shoulder when I've been painting too long. We're just a couple of gimps.”

“Don’t use that word!” Kili’s words lashed out like a whip.

The blond’s eyes darkened for a moment as a look of pain and surprise flooded them. He blinked and it was gone. “Sorry.”

Kili nodded. He was concentrating on trying to force his leg to stop spasming. “The heat feels good. I'm really sorry to cause so much trouble. And I’m sorry to sound like so much of a bitch. I don’t like being taken care of. I got plenty of that in hospital.”

“I’ll wager you did.” Fili’s eyes returned to clear blue and he smile softly. “You, my friend, are no trouble at all.” He pulled the blankets up around the brunet's hips and straightened up. “I'll be back as soon as I can.”

 

 

 

 

Kili stripped off his gloves and laid them on the nightstand. His mobile rang again. This time he answered it. “Hey Ori, 'sup?”

“What do you mean, where are you? Why didn’t' you answer me when I called earlier or return my message?” Ori could get outraged if he thought he was being ignored.

“I was on a...well...sort of a date,” Kili answered.

“With who...that blond hunk from last night? Oh my god, it was him, wasn't it? Tell me it was him!”

“Yes, it was him.” Kili was laughing in spite of the pain.

“So did you find out how they do it Down Under?”

“Down Under is Australia. Wrong continent. And no, I didn't. I'm at his place and my fucking legs are killing me. He's actually gone out in this to get my pain meds.” Kili didn't know whether to be embarrassed that a date had turned into a medicine run, or feel grateful that Fili was the kind of guy who would do that for him.

“Well, that's a downer.” Ori's voice turned worried. “Are you alright? Do you need Dwalin and me to come and get you?”

“No, I'm fine. He's...uh...taking care of me. I probably won't ever see him again after this fuckup, but I'm fine,” he finished sadly.

“Well, if he's that shallow you're better off without him,” Ori replied. “But let’s hope that he's a better man than that. Besides you are so gorgeous he'd be insane to dump you over a little thing like that.”

Kili burst out laughing. “You are a lying sack of shit, but I love you. I will let you know how it goes and definitely call if I need any help.”

“Put me on speed dial.”

“You already are.”

Kili wondered if he'd dozed off. Fili didn't seem to have been gone very long. The blond sprinted into the room carrying the pill bottle and a glass of water. “I think I broke every traffic law in Dublin. Thank god no one caught me.”

“Thank you,” he said simply as he accepted the pills and water. He swallowed quickly. They would take a while to work, but the heat and having his leg stretched out already helped.

Fili had worn a jacket with a hood, but his slacks and shoes were wet. “I hope you don't mind,” he said as he stripped down to his boxer-briefs (black, Kili noted) and slipped on a pair of knit pants, also black. Reaching up, he stripped off his shirt, replacing it with a soft tee of pale blue that matched his eyes. Kili had tried not to stare at the broad chest with the ample fur that was briefly visible. Was this man golden and beautiful from head to foot? The logical answer was...fuck yeah!

“There, now I'm all dry again,” he said with a smile.

Kili's guilt resurfaced. “I'm sorry,” he whispered, but Fili bent and laid a gentle finger across his lips.

“I don't want to hear that word again. Shit happens. When it happens we'll deal with it.”  He moved his hand up to push Kili's wild hair back from his face. “Do you mind if I lie down with you?”

“I'd like that,” he replied softly.

Fili carefully slid into bed next to the Irishman. Kili smiled at him. “You don't have to be that careful. Between the heat and the drugs my legs are feeling better. In a few minutes I will probably be a little high though.”

Fili laughed. “I think I can cope.” Snapping off the light, he curled up next to Kili. He smiled, face barely discernible in the dim light coming from the high windows. “Would you like to cuddle?”

“Yeah, that would be nice.” Kili was feeling muzzy from the drugs. They didn't usually hit him this hard. Maybe it was that chocolate stout that did it. Sighing, he slid easily onto the Kiwi's arms, snuggling against his shoulder.  “I'm starting to feel a little floaty,” he said quietly.

Fili smiled. “That's okay, I won't let you go. It's safe to go to sleep.”

They dozed off, safe from the storm rolling around them.

 

* * *

 

It was dark when Kili awoke disoriented. He lay still, unable to make himself understand where he was. It wasn’t his bed and he was pillowed against someone’s body. Was he dreaming? He blinked and reached out tentatively to touch his companion. No, the body was real. Shit, what had he done? He carefully scooted sideways trying not to wake his pillow. He was not successful.

“Do your legs feel any better?” The accent was Kiwi and he suddenly knew where he was.

Breathing a sigh of relief he answered, “Yeah, the pain is pretty much gone. I think I’m gonna live.”

“That’s good to know,” Fili said gently. He leaned over and flipped on a small light next to the bed. “I was pretty worried about you.”

Kili shoved his hair out of his eyes and adjusted his shoulders. “I’m really sorry I fucked up and forgot my meds. Talk about being an eejit.”

“Everyone fucks up now and again. Some of mine were epic,” Fili laughed.

“This one was pretty bad,” Kili replied, still embarrassed by all the trouble he’d put the Kiwi though.

“Somehow I just don’t think it’s quite the same as not putting the car in park and letting it roll into the bay.” He looked at Kili’s surprised expression and burst out laughing. “My dad nearly had a stroke. I had to work for months to pay off the bill for towing and repairs. I’m telling you--when I make balls of it they are the size of an elephant!”

The Irishman shoved a pillow behind his back and pulled himself upright. “Yeah, I guess your balls are bigger than my balls.”

The Kiwi picked up a pillow and threw it at Kili, who fielded it and threw it back. The laughter broke the tension and they sat there grinning at each other.

“It got dark,” Kili observed. He looked at his watch. “Damn, it’s late. We slept the afternoon away. I’m sorry, to muck up your day like this.”

Fili picked up a pillow warningly. “If you apologize to me one more time I swear I’m going to hold this down on your face. Will you fucking shut up about it. It was a rainy sleepy day anyway and I can’t say I was fussed to have to spend it curled up with a gorgeous man.” He cocked his head and grinned. “I didn’t know that this was all it would take to get you into my bed.”

“You mean you haven’t drugged other men?” Kili looked shocked. “Don’t tell me I’ve given you ideas?”

A heartfelt hand to his chest and an overly shocked expression was his reply. “Moi? Do something so dastardly? Bwhahaha…”

Kili socked him with a pillow, lost his grip and ended up toppling onto Fili’s chest. He was immediately caught and held by strong arms and found himself looking directly into sapphire eyes with pupils that were a little larger than they should have been. The attraction was mutual and the Irishman didn’t object at all when those perfect pink lips claimed his in a long slow kiss.

The beaded mustache braids tickled against his face, adding an extra bit of spice. He parted his lips to allow a soft tongue to enter and explore. He met it with his own, sighing at the sweet sensation that washed over him. He heard Fili make a small noise of pleasure that shot straight to his groin.

The kiss deepened and he felt himself responding to it when suddenly…there was a gurgle. His stomach was sending notice that it had not been attended to and it was far more important than his dick.

He giggled and then Fili giggled and that was the end of the hot make-out session. They rolled apart, sounding like two teenage girls. The blond hit him with a pillow and Kili lay there with it covering his face, muffling his laughter.

Fili flipped over on his side, lifted the corner of the pillow and glared at the Irishman. “Okay, this time you can say you’re sorry. You have absolutely ruined my evil plot with your weird internal noises.”

“I think I need to be fed,” Kili replied between giggles.

“I think you do, too. It’s still pouring out, so you will just have to survive my cooking, which at the moment consists of either breakfast or frozen pizza and beer.”

“You know I can't live without frozen pizza, but no beer…you know…drugs,” Kili said, not quite with a straight face.

“I defrost like a pro, mate, and I have soda,” Fili replied. “I'll get it started and you get comfortable. I do have to warn you that once you taste the fruits of my culinary skills you won't settle for less.”

“I'll settle for you not poisoning me,” Kili shot back with a grin. They both laughed. Fili started to go out of the room and then tossed Kili two remotes. One was for the big telly on the wall, but the other was a mystery. He held it up, puzzled.

“You might like to play with that one,” Fili teased. “It’s for the bed.”

“Fucking brilliant!”

The Kiwi busied himself in the kitchen while Kili happily played with the bed. He’d liked the way he could adjust the hospital bed, but had never dreamed that anyone would have one that moved. By the time Fili returned bearing food he had settled on the head up and the knees slightly raised to put less pressure on his legs. Something occurred to him.

When Fili stuck his nose around the corner, Kili frowned at him. “Why didn’t you lower the bed instead of picking me up?

The blond looked surprised. “I forgot. I’ve only had this thing for a week. We aren’t going to have this conversation every time I help you, are we, because I’m not up for it. I was raised to have good manners; if that’s a problem for you we need to get it sorted right now.”

Kili was so flustered he dropped the remote on the floor. Fili came over and handed it to him again. “I get it that you don’t want to be babied, but I also don’t want to be getting shit from you all the time. I just did for you what you’d do for me. Right?”

“Yeah. Right. Sure,” Kili said quickly. “But ask next time.”

Fili nodded and his smile returned. “Fair enough."

He was playing with the TV remote when the Kiwi came back in. “How many channels does this get?”

“I dunno. I never watch it,” was the reply. “I'm more of a book and movie guy.”

“Yeah, me too. A hundred channels and nothing to watch.” They settled on <i>The Great Barrier Reef</i> and sat mesmerized by sea life while they chewed their way through a surprisingly adequate pizza.

Afterward Kili was feeling blissfully full and sat looking at the empty Coke can as he heard Fili out there doing the dishes. There were no two ways about it. He had to pee. He put the bed down and found he could even lower it so that it was easy to swing from the bed into his chair. He winced at the twinge of pain. That’s what he got for letting it get out of hand. Eejit. He wheeled out, looking for the loo.

He found it and then smacked himself mentally. He was winning moron awards today. Of course there were no bars to make it accessible. So far physio had assumed that every loo had a handicapped stall. He had good upper body strength but his legs were basically spaghetti without braces. The toilet was not right up against a wall and he figured that he had a pretty good chance of taking a nosedive if he tried to do this himself. He also figured he had a pretty good chance of pissing himself if he didn't do something soon.

“The loo's nothing special, you know.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin at the voice behind him. “I'm...uh...trying to figure out how to get on it.”

“Oh, good,” Fili replied, his lip quirking upward in a tiny grin, making his mustache braids do fascinating things. “I was afraid you thought it was some kind of artwork.”

He moved between the toilet and the wall. “If I stand here and pretend I'm a grab bar, do you think you can manage?”

His first inclination was to say no, but his bladder gave a twinge and he nodded. “Let's try it.”

Fili watched as Kili positioned himself, then averted his eyes as pants were hauled down and butt was shifted. He stood stock still with his arm bent at the elbow, tensing as the Irishman gripped his wrist and then boosted himself onto the toilet.

It only took a matter of seconds. In fact had it been just a minute or two longer the transfer would have been a moot point. He had good control but he didn't have great control. The boost back went well and it only took him a minute to adjust his boxers.

“You can look now,” he said, his tone a combination of embarrassment and amusement.

Fili chuckled. “Why is it that we can sit together and drink coffee, but when it comes time to give it back it’s suddenly this big secret?”

The Irishman shrugged and rolled over to wash his hands. “I guess it's just custom.”

“Whatever. Anyway, don't wait until your eyes turn yellow before saying something, yeah? We'll get this sorted.”

Kili nodded, glad that he'd taken care of the “other thing” in the morning.

“It’s still raining buckets out there,” Fili said. “If you were comfortable in the bed, let's watch TV in the bedroom. I promise to be a gentleman and keep my hands to myself. I can see you're still sore, so shenanigans will have to wait.”

They went in and Kili easily lifted himself onto the bed, but it took him a minute longer to get his right leg up. It had taken the brunt of the impact and he'd been told it was touch or go whether he could even keep it or not. His surgeon had said it wasn't so much that he'd set it as pieced it together like a puzzle. That he still had some feeling in it wasn't necessarily a blessing.

The Kiwi watched his progress, but didn’t offer to help since Kili apparently had it sorted. He got comfortable and Fili handed him the remote for the bed. “Fix it. I'm comfortable in any position. I'm famous for having fallen asleep once leaning back against a set of cement steps.”

They snuggled together, Kili quite happy to be resting his head on the Kiwi's shoulder. He could see one of those wonderful mustache braids out of the corner of his eye and amused himself by thinking of ways to play with it when the show got boring.

It was finally really late. A bit after eleven, according to the clock. A peal of thunder nearly rattled the windows and Fili simply said, “It's time to get ready for bed.”

There was no use to debate it. Going home would mean they would both get soaked. It was warm and comfortable here, Kili told himself. Leaving would be stupid and would accomplish nothing. He'd always maintained that he never slept with anyone on their first date. It could be said that it was still true. They hadn't really had a date, just a lunch that turned into an over-night.

“Do you want pajamas?” Fili asked nervously. “I don't think it would do to let your legs get too cold. I have a pair somewhere. Or you could just sleep in what you're wearing.”

Kili thought it over.

The blond dug through his dresser, finally unearthing a pair of green and white plaid ones. He tossed them on the bed and asked, “Do you want the shirt that goes with them?” Grinning he held up a godawful shirt that read “Irish Kiwi” in the colors of both the New Zealand and Irish flags.

“Fuck no! That shirt is an ugly spot.” He laughed as he pulled the pajama bottoms across the bed toward his lap.

Fili watched him for a moment. “Do you need any help?”

A head shake. “Nope, I'm good.”

“I'll hit the loo myself then. Be back in a few.” Fili vanished out of the door and shut it most of the way.

Glad for the privacy, Kili adjusted himself, grimacing as he pulled the bottoms on and then up. He thought about it, but decided that he didn't need more pain meds. His leg had settled down now that the barometer was stable.

He ran his tongue over his teeth and felt he could have done with a brush, but all things considered it wasn't something he could be fussed about.

He'd arranged himself in bed by the time Fili returned. The blond quickly stripped down to his briefs and put the silly Irish Kiwi shirt on. Grinning, he said, “I hope this doesn't keep you awake all night.”

“If it does, I'll just club it into insensibility,” was the reply. 

“Please don't,” Fili requested as he turned off the light.

A good snuggle position was easy to find and Kili realized how much he'd missed this. Just being at peace and having someone next to him. Fili threw an arm over him and pulled him close, encouraging him to nuzzle in and get comfy.

“You know what?” he said sleepily.

“What?”

 “I never did get to see your etchings.”

“No, you never did. I'll show them to you when you wake up.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks to Hal - hold_on_a_sex for keeping me honest about life on wheels. 
> 
> Folks you are missing out on two great stories if you haven't read her "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us." In Rio both Aidan and Dean are wheelchair athletes at the Paralympics. [**Romance in Rio**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1093396) In "We're Fighters" Dean has epilepsy and Aidan is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. [**We're Fighters, Every One of Us**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/988916)
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, kudos, or creative criticism you don't want to put in a comment, please email me at drakkhammer@gmail.com
> 
> My new blog is: [Drakkhammerwrites](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/%22%22)
> 
> Thank you very much for reading. I hope you enjoy the story and the marvelous art.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are moving slowly, something Kili isn’t used to. He’s always been the guy to head for the highest ramp trusting his skill to land him safely and upright on his bike. Now there was no more half pipe and the only air was what ruffled his hair as he rolled down the pavement. How in the hell was he ever going to get used to this?

The strip of windows high on the wall illuminated the bedroom, but did not allow the sun to pour blindingly through. Kili woke slowly, the unfamiliar bed alerting him to the fact that he wasn't in Kansas any more. He looked over, right into the most beautiful blue eyes he'd ever seen.

 “Good morning, glory,” Fili said with a smile. “Did you sleep well?”

 Kili smiled shyly. “Yeah, but I want to take this bed home with me.” He didn't mention that it helped the spasms in his hips and lower back.

 “It's comfortable?”

 “Sleeping with the head and knees raised a little is nice,” he admitted. It didn't escape him that the Kiwi had left his side of the bed in a matching position.

 “I swapped a painting for this bed,” Fili said, stretching. “The bloke who owns the shop fancied a work of mine, so we traded. I got the best of the deal. That was one butt ugly painting.”

 Kili laughed. “You aren't supposed to talk about your own work like that.”

 “Better me than a critic,” Fili replied, grinning.

 He rolled over and placed a gentle kiss on Kili's lips. It was a nice no-pressure kiss that made promises, but demanded nothing. “How are you feeling this morning?”

 “Much better, thanks.” He ducked his head, still ashamed that he'd made poor Fili go out in a downpour.

“I'm glad.” The Kiwi stretched and yawned. “Gotta use the loo. Pop on out and I'll do my grab bar routine.” He rolled out of bed and headed out the door.

 Kili slid into his chair and rolled in a polite length of time behind him. It was all accomplished without any fuss, Fili taking his leave as soon as the brunet was back in his chair. Kili rolled back into the bedroom and was wondering how he could nick the bed when Fili came up behind him.

 “Would scrambled eggs, corned beef hash and toast be okay? I’m not exactly a genius cook.”

 Kili nodded. “Sure, that would be good. Did you make the hash?”

 The Kiwi looked at him as if he were demented. “Yeah, and I flew all the way to Ireland without a plane. It’s in a tin. I’m brilliant with a tin opener.”

 He pulled off the ghastly T-shirt and tossed it on the dresser. “I really do have to deep six that shirt. I swear I heard it mumbling to itself last night.”

 Kili laughed. “I thought that was you talking in your sleep.”

 “Nope, not takin' the blame. I only do acceptable things in bed.” He winked at the Irishman and went out into the kitchen.

 Kili lifted himself back into the wonderful bed and dressed quickly, folding the pajama bottoms and setting them on the night stand. By the time he made it to the kitchen the room was redolent with the scent of frying hash.

 “Welcome to my humble kitchen. Pull up and have some juice. Breakfast is nearly done.” He put a stack of toast on the table along with jars of preserves and a tub of butter.

 “There's cream and sugar on the table, if you use it. I don’t know how you take your coffee. Or even if you take coffee, come to think of it.”

 “Lots of sugar, no cream,” he said as he took the sugar bowl and nearly dumped it into the mug. Fili winced at the sight.

 “I think if you let that sit a minute you will be able to eat it with a spoon.”

 The Irishman winked at him and took a sip. “Perfect,” he declared.

 Moments later the Kiwi slid a huge plate of eggs and hash in front of Kili. “There you go. Just like Mother never made. Around here if breakfast doesn’t involve scrambled eggs and toast you are out of luck.”

Sitting down, Fili shoved some hash into his mouth and closed his eyes in bliss. “Heaven bless the person who invented tinned hash…”

“It smells delicious.” The Irishman dug in to his fryup and heaved a passionate sigh.

“I'm glad it meets with your approval.” He smiled. “Almost as glad as I am that you are feeling okay this morning.”

 The brunet felt a little blush creeping up. Where the hell had that come from? “I'm much better. Thank you for getting my meds and letting me sleep here.”

 Fili gave a little snort that ended in a dimpled smile. “No problem. I can't say I'm ever unhappy to share my bed with a handsome bloke.”

 “You don't mind that it's all there was?”

 The blond shook his head, making his mustache beads dance. “Not at all. I got to sleep cuddled up with the handsomest bloke in Dublin. I count that as a win.”

 He speared a bite of egg and paused. “I know this probably sounds foolish, but I don't make a habit of sleeping with someone I've just met. I got the feeling you don't, either.”

 “No, I don't. Well, not since I got out of that stupid stage in my teens.” Kili felt himself blushing again.

“I think we all went through that one. But now that we're all grown up and manly and all that rubbish we don't do foolish things anymore.” He grinned at the Irishman and nearly lost the half an egg he was conveying to his mouth.

After breakfast cleanup Fili looked at him earnestly. “Can you stay a bit?”

“No. I have physio and things to take care of at home. Could you give me a lift?”

 “Of course. Let me know when you're ready.” The Kiwi was looking at him in a way that he didn't understand.

 Kili rolled up to the front door of his apartment house and looked back. Fili had not driven off and was watching him. He waved once and the blond grinned and waved back. It was only after the Irishman was through his door that the car pulled away from the curb.

 Kili watched it go and heaved a sigh. Well, things had gone down the tube rapidly yesterday. There was nothing like going out for lunch with someone and then being stuck with them all night. His lips thinned as he remembered Fili having to go out in the storm to get the pills he’d stupidly left at home. Well, that was the end of that. Lesson learned. Time to move on.

He rolled to his apartment and went inside. He poured himself a glass of orange juice and wished he had some vodka to add to it. He sighed and looked at the clock. He had an hour before transport came to pick him up for physio. Just enough time to finish his bowel program as they called it. Kili heaved a sigh. As programs go this one was never going to get very high ratings.

 For a Monday morning the van was more or less on time and he wheeled himself into physio only a few minutes late. Bofur was just finishing up with the elderly gentleman and gave him a big grin. “Go on over and work on your upper body for a few, will ya?”

 

 

 

Kili went over to the machine that Bofur had set up and did some pull-ups. He then picked up a set of dumbbells and did two sets of curls. He was starting shrugs when the older man came over and sat on the bench next to him.

 “Not bad for a skinny bloke,” he said with a grin. He had the most amazing mustache that swooped nearly to his chin. It made you smile just to look at him. Nearly waist length brown hair was caught back in a braid and a long Mexican bandit mustachio giving him the look of a beach bum rather than a topnotch physiotherapist.  

 “Bite me,” Kili replied cheerfully.

 “Oh, feeling sassy today? How’s the bod doing, mate?” He looked at Kili’s hips pointedly.

 “I had a bad day yesterday. The pressure drop triggered some spasms and a lot of pain. I also realized an urgent need to learn to transfer my arse to a regular toilet with no bars, ” the brunet replied sadly.

 The look of cheer vanished. Bofur nodded and made a quick note on the clipboard he was carrying. “We'll work on the transfer after I get you loosened up. Your legs are still healing and are getting some wrong signals which makes it worse. I’m going to give you some exercises to do at home as well. Have to get those spasms under control,” he said lightly. “We don’t want them interfering with your love life.”

“What love life?” Kili’s reply was bitter, even though he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t be one of ‘those’ paras.

 “Oh, come on. Good looking bloke like you should have ladies flocking around. You can’t disappoint them.” He eased Kili onto his back and pressed his knee toward his chest, working out the stiffness.

 “How about the blokes?” Kili watched him out of the corner of his eye to see if there was any reaction.

 Bofur nodded. ”Them too.”

“In case you hadn’t noticed guys in wheelchairs aren’t exactly flying off the shelf.” His voice was cold and looked at Bofur, spoiling for a fight.

 “I hope they aren’t, that would be hazardous.” He put the Irishman’s leg down and looked at him with sadness in his soft brown eyes. “This is a shite situation, make no mistake about it, me lad, but it’s far from hopeless. I’ve never worked with a bloke who didn’t find someone and, yeah, you’re not the first gay dude to come through. You feel like you’re inventing the wheel, but you aren’t. A thousand have gone before you and a thousand will come behind you.”

 Kili groaned and looked at the wall. Bofur ignored him. “I’m not going to give you a ‘suck it up‘ speech. We both know that’s bullshit. If you can get your act together you can have pretty much a normal sex life. If you keep whining, you can stay home and pull your pud. It’s all the same to me, I get paid either way, but I’d much rather see you come in here with a smile and tell me about your hot date than listen to you whine. My wife’s a thousand months pregnant, so I have to live vicariously.”

 The brunet chuckled in spite of himself. “Ok. I get it. The trouble is that I don’t know how to get it.”

 “Ah, now the truth comes out,” Bofur said with a grin. “I just happen to be the purveyor of the finest in para-porn in Ireland.” He vanished into his office and returned with a DVD. “Don’t be uploading this to the internet or making black market copies. It’s my own secret stash that I only loan out to very special gentlemen such as yourself.”

 Kili rolled his eyes. “You aren’t gonna make me watch that shitty movie I saw in the hospital are you?”

 “Me? Never! This is the good stuff. I’d suggest watching it by yourself and then watching it with your date. I can guarantee it will lead to a very interesting and fulfilling evening.”

Kili's eyebrows had vanished under his bangs. “Is it really porn?”

 The PT laughed. “No, it's informational videos made by folks who know what they're talking about. They're pretty explicit though, so don't go showin' to your mum.”

 He grinned and nodded. “Ok, so private viewing only.”

“Or with a select second party. Preferably one that's handsome and horny.” He tucked it into Kili’s backpack with a wink. “Okay, now back to work.”

 

* * *

 

Kili was barely in the door when his phone rang.

 “So tell me all the details? I couldn’t wait any longer.” Ori was far too eager and for a moment Kili thought about making something impossible up just to give him a poke. In the end he decided to be truthful.

 “There are no details. I  forgot to bring my pain meds with me so the poor bastard had to out in the rain to get them. Then they pretty much knocked me out. We cuddled a little and then I slept like the dead.” Kili wheeled into the kitchen and put the kettle on for tea.

 “Not even a kiss? But it sounds like you slept with him.” Ori sounded so dejected that Kili took pity on him.

 “Yes, a kiss or two. They were very nice kisses. And then I went to sleep.” He heaved a sigh. He had to admit that it had been a nice way to go to sleep and an even nicer way to wake up.

 “Well, if it had been me I'd have grabbed those mustache braids and not let go until he ravished me.”

 “Is that what happened with Dwalin?” Kili whipped around the kitchen getting his favorite mug out and dropped the tea bag into it.

 “Pretty much. He didn't have a mustache then. But if he had...” Ori's voice trailed off.

 Kili chuckled. “I get it, please don't draw me a picture. I'm not in the market for a boyfriend right now, that's all.”

 “Not even one that gorgeous? I mean, even his name is perfect. Fili and Kili...it was meant to be,” Ori said happily. “It would look smashing on wedding invitations.”

 “Oh great, we haven't even really had a date and you are marrying us off. Just stop. I don't want a husband. I don't want a boyfriend.”

 “Methinks he doth protest too much. But how about a one night stand?” Ori inquired sweetly. “Those can be fun.”

 The Irishman resisted the urge to pound his head on the table. “Ori, will you give it a rest?”

“Okay. I was just teasing.” He sounded slightly hurt.

 “I know, I'm just not in the mood for it right now. Physio kicked my arse, that's all.” Screw the tea. He rolled to the fridge and pulled out a beer. “I'm sorry for being a dick. I'll be better tomorrow.”

 “Okay.” Ori sounded doubtful. “Do you need anything? Dwalin or I could run it over. Takeaway maybe so you don't have to cook?”

 “Naw, I'm fine. I have food. You give that bruiser a hug for me and tell him that I love his boyfriend to pieces.”

 Ori giggled happily at the compliment. “Ok, I'll do that. Call if you need anything. Promise.”

 “Promise.”

 Kili rolled into the living room and stared at the DVD player for a moment. It seemed to stare back. Reaching into his backpack he pulled out the DVD that Bofur had loaned him. He sat a looked at the silver disk, but couldn't make himself put it in the machine. As he sat there he felt himself start to tear up.  With his vision blurred he shoved the DVD back into his backpack and flipped a middle finger at the player. He went into the bedroom and switched on his computer. Logging onto the Wheelz site he clicked on chat. There were only two people there.

 Flattire:  hey chase sup?

ChaseBMX: Either of you gay?

Archer28: I am. Sup?

ChaseBMX: Feeling low. Met a bloke and made balls of it.

Flattire:  sucks

Archer28: What happened?

ChaseBMX: Spasms pain forgot my fucking meds. Poor bastard went out in the storm to get them for me. Let me stay there. Probably doesn't ever want to hear from me again.

Archer28: Y U so sure he shot through?

Flattire: first date i got so nervous i forgot to get my PA to empty my leg bag. nothing like getting your date 2 drain yr bag in the parking lot by a tree mate

Archer28: U had her help you piss on a tree?

Flattire:  :(

Archer28: U ever see her again?

Flattire: married her  :)

Archer28: LOLROF! Chase can U top that?

ChaseBMX: Oh hell no LOL

ChaseBMX: Got a personal question? Kk you don't have to answer.

Archer28: shoot

ChaseBMX: I haven't been with anyone since my accident.

ChaseBMX: I don't know how

Archer28: First time is scary, need a partner you can trust then its ok

Flattire: need someone who is willing to experiment  try different things

Flattire: experimenting is fun :)

Archer28: Don't just sit around and cry about it. Did that dude seem pissed?

ChaseBMX: No. Very nice. Good kisser 2 :)

Flattire: ;)  call him

Archer28: Flat's right. Call him. Man goes out in the rain for pills instead of driving your sorry arse home is worth checking out

Archer28: Tell him you want to see if your dick still works and he's the lucky winner

Flattire: lolrof check him out & let us know how it goes

Archer28: You got nothing to lose but your wheelie virginity and have fun losing that :)

ChaseBMX:  Thanx. Will let you know if I get the balls to try.

 

He signed out and sat there looking at the login screen. He took out his phone, ignoring the bump of the DVD and started to dial Fili's number. Halfway through he heaved a sigh and cancelled it. Crippled, in pain, can't get on and off the loo by himself, unemployed. He thought but couldn't think of anything else to add to the list of self-recriminations. Yeah, he'd be just the bloke a man like Fili would want to hear from. Fuck it. He went out to get another beer.

He was finishing his third beer and feeling a little buzzed when his mobile rang. He fumbled before he managed to reach it out of his backpack and answer it. When the rich Kiwi accent greeted him, Kili nearly dropped the phone.

 “So, where are we going for dinner tonight?” Fili asked smoothly.

 “What?”

 “Supper. You. Me. Food. Where?”

 “You want to go out?” Kili asked hesitantly.

 “That's the general idea. I did think you might know a place for a decent steak. You do like steak, don't you?” Fili waited patiently for an answer.

 “After last night you're calling me?” The Irishman realized that he was sounding less than brilliant, but his mind had gone on holiday without consulting him and it was the best he could come up with.

 “I had a lovely day of conversation and a pleasant evening and night cuddling with this very handsome and charming bloke named Kili.”

 “You call going out in the rain pleasant?” Kili was beginning to feel as if he'd fallen down the rabbit hole. Obviously the two of them had very different evenings.

 “It was a necessity and it scored me you as a bed partner. I call that a win,” Fili replied with a chuckle.

 “I think I need another beer. I'm hallucinating,” the Irishman said as much to himself as to Fili.

 There was a burst of laughter. “What you need is to throw on a decent shirt. Can you be ready in fifteen minutes?”

 Hearing the resounding silence, Fili ventured, “Half an hour?”

 “Yeah. Okay. Sure, that sounds fine. I'll meet you out front.” He really didn't want to go. He wanted to stay here and have the rest of the beer. Why in the hell was he agreeing to this?

 After he hung up Kili went into the loo and stripped off his shirt. It was short work to give his upper body a scrub, then hop on the toilet, pee and give the plumbing a swish...just in case. What the hell was he thinking? He didn't analyze it. He didn't dare. He just went through the motions. He pulled clothes out of his closet choosing a yellow t-shirt.

 In half an hour he was presentable and sitting by the curb. He almost had time to call it off when Fili slid to a stop next to him and hopped out. Dressed in a blue shirt the color of his eyes and tight Levis, he made Kili forget he had been ready to call this whole thing off. His golden hair curling around his face He was, in short, gorgeous.

He grinned at the Irishman and opened his car door. “My chariot awaits.”

 The Irishman systematically transferred to the seat, dismantled and stowed his chair and tried not to think about the flock of butterflies that were careening around in his stomach. He buckled his seatbelt and looked over just as a very nice ass presented itself and then plopped down in the driver's seat. He quickly became fascinated by the radio, certain that he was blushing furiously. What in the hell was wrong with him? He was acting like a silly teenager.

 

“Where to?” Fili started the car and turned to face Kili.

 

He shrugged. “I don't know--Chinese, Italian, pizza? You mentioned steak.”

 “I'm not particular, just please none of those places that give you a dot of food with fancy sauce artistically drizzled over it.” Fili looked at him pleadingly. “I was dragged to so many of those horrors in London that I swore I'd die before setting foot in one again.”

 Kili burst out laughing at the pained expression on the Kiwi's face. “Okay, I promise. How about pizza and beer?” He paused to think a minute. “No, wait, I know the place...Gravediggers. Yeah, it should be perfect. It's a 150 year old pub and the food is better'n good ”

 “Gravediggers?” Fili's interest was piqued.

 “It'll be brilliant.” Kili was pleased with his choice. “It's so full of history it practically drips with it. It will be stellar.”

 Fili's interest was piqued. “Do you mind if I swing by and grab my camera?”

 The Irishman shook his head. “I think it’s a law that you have to bring it. It's an amazing place.”

 They swung by the warehouse and Fili set a land speed record going up to grab his camera bag and then racing back to the car. He practically threw himself into his seat, grinning breathlessly.

 “If an old pub excites you this much, Drimnagh Castle is going to give you an orgasm,” Kili teased.

 “Promises, promises,” the blond replied as he started the engine. “Now let's go start our tour of historic Dublin.”

 John Kavanagh's The Gravediggers Pub proved to be as awesome as Kili said it would be. Opened in 1833 by the original John Kavanagh, it was still owned and run by the family with the current incarnation of John Kavanagh behind the counter as they entered.

 “Kili, where have ya been hidin', lad? It's good to see you out and about. Mary here will see to it that you and your friend have the finest table in the house.” He waved again and turned back to drawing perfect pints of Guinness for his thirsty customers.

Mary, a lovely red haired lass of about eighteen, smiled at them. “We have nothing but good tables. But Da means that you should pick where you'd like to sit.”

 Kili thought about it and chose a booth with a table that looked as if it had been original pub furniture. He knew Fili would want to stay in the old part of the pub and not go into the new lounge. He transferred to the booth and allowed Mary to move his chair out of the way. He looked up and smiled, seeing that he was positioned strategically under a small blackboard with a chalk sign that read: “No WIFI – we expect you to talk.”

 Fili was looking around with a glazed expression. When Mary returned he asked if he could take pictures.

 “Oh, please do,” she said happily. “This old building is so full of history and personality. It got its nickname because the gravediggers from the adjacent Glasnevin Cemetery had a secret serving hatch so that they could drink on the job.”

 “There's a cemetery?” Fili paused and put the camera down.

 “Aye,” Mary nodded. “The cemetery goes back to 1832. It was open to all no matter of national, religious, or political leanin's and has grown into Glasnevin cemetery, the closest thing the Republic has to a national cemetery. It's huge. I think all of Dublin wants to be buried here.”

 “I think I'll wait a bit longer,” Kili said with a grin.

 “And I don't blame you. You've come close enough as it is. We won't be seeing the back of you for a long time. The angels watch over you.” She smiled prettily at him, green eyes shining.  “So what can I get for you fine gentlemen tonight? If it ‘twas me I'd have the Guinness beef stew.”

 Fili was interested. “You would?”

 “Oh aye, me mum's cooked it. She doesn't do that so much anymore and she's a dab hand at stew. I've a bowl put away for me own supper.”

 “Well, I think that settles it for me,” Fili said. He looked over at Kili. “How about you?”

 “I don't think I can pass on a recommendation like that. Bring us a couple of Guinness as well. Might as well keep the theme going.”

After she left he looked at the blond. “Why don't you go explore and take some pictures? Everything in here is historic. Knock yourself out.” Fili grabbed his camera and went exploring. Kili grinned. He could hear him clicking away taking shots of everything.

 He watched the Kiwi move like a dancer, positioning himself, taking a picture and then moving again. Kili pictured himself standing next to him, talking to him, seeing what he saw from the same height with no stupid wheelchair between them.

 Mary returned with their Guinness, interrupting his daydream. He let it go, feeling a little sad that it could never happy. Pulling it together Kili thanked her and he sat sipping his stout, watching Fili and enjoying the atmosphere. There was a mix of regulars and tourists. John treated them all equally, answering questions as easily as he drew the pints of Guinness. It was a fine place to just sit and be at peace.

 Fili returned just before the stew arrived. He sat there awed as the huge bowl brimming with chunks of beef and vegetables and redolent with spices and the tang of stout was set before him. It was accompanied by an entire loaf of soda bread still warm from the oven and a wedge of butter. He sniffed appreciatively and grinned at Mary. “This smells amazing.”

 “It tastes even better that it looks.” she replied, her eyes on Kili. “Enjoy.”

 “I think she fancies you,” Fili observed, blowing on a spoonful of stew.

 “I think she's out of luck,” he replied. He dipped a chunk of bread into the stew and bit into it, a blissful smile spreading over his face. “Although it might be worth it for her mum's cooking.”

 They'd managed to finish off the stew and most of the bread when Mary reappeared and placed a large wedge of chocolate cake in front of each of them. “Me mum sent it out to you,” she said blushing. “She says, welcome back.”

Kili's eyes lit up. “Is this one of her famous rum cakes?”

“Aye. She always has'ta make two or the customers never see any. You eat up and put some meat on yer bones. Yer thin's a rail.” She turned to Fili and smiled prettily. “You could put on a bit yerself, not that yer not a handsome bloke already.” With that, she blushed fluorescent and made a beeline back to the kitchen.

Fili chuckled. “Well, you've been hit on right proper and I'm skinny but handsome. I think this is one of the more entertaining dates I've been on.”

Kili stopped, his fork halfway to his mouth. “Are we on a date?”

 “Our second actually,” was the reply around a mouthful of cake. “My god, I think this was made by the angels themselves.”

 The Irishman chewed thoughtfully on the cake, letting the rich chocolate and rum flavors distract him. It was hard to worry when you did indeed have a piece of heaven in your mouth. But how could this be their second date? Was he really calling the fiasco with the pain medication a date? On the other hand, he’d had far too many one-night stands for the good boy his mum thought he was and very few actual dates, so he didn’t have much information to go by.

When he looked up Fili was smiling at him. “What did you think this was? I picked you up in a pub, you sleep with me and now we're having a magnificent supper together at a charming pub next to a cemetery. Only dates go like this, or I think they do.”

“I thought after the last time you wouldn't want to see me again.” He became fascinated with the cake, pushing it around his plate with the fork.

 A warm hand covered his and he looked into earnest blue eyes. “It only made me want to see you more. You've been through hell and come out the other side. You're a fighter.” Fili smiled softly and squeezed his hand. “You're also gorgeous and I admit that when I saw your smile from across the pub I had to come over and meet you. I didn't see that you were in a chair until I actually got to your table.”

“It didn't bother you?” Kili looked up, eyes dark and worried.

 “No. Why would it? You aren't your chair. You're the guy who races bikes.” He cocked his head. “I figure this is just a temporary setback.”

Kili pulled his hand away. “I'm never going to walk again, you know. It's not temporary.”

The Kiwi reclaimed his hand. “I didn't mean it that way. I meant that you’ll be out racing again.”

“How in the hell am I going to do that?” he asked sharply.

 “I don't know. Like Dublin, it's just one more thing I'm hoping to explore with you...if you'll let me.” He brought Kili's hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles.

 “I...I'd like that.” Kili’s voice was almost a whisper. When Fili released his hand he sat quietly, not finishing his cake. After a few minutes the blond spoke to him.

 “What's the matter? Did I say something wrong?”

 Kili shook his head, still staring at his plate. “It's me.” He heaved a sigh. “It's just me. I was ready to jump my bike off a cliff, but this whole dating thing terrifies me.”

 “And you have the balls to admit it.” He dropped his eyes and stared at the table for a long moment. “That’s two more than I have.”

 “What the bloody hell are you talking about?”

 “The dating thing scares me, too. I’ve never really done it. I’ve only been in two relationships; one for about a month when I was eighteen and then my ex was for eight years. It went badly and ended worse.” He looked up for a moment his eyes darkened to nearly cobalt.

 Kili raked his fingers though his hair and looked over at the Kiwi. Fili was playing with his spoon and still not meeting the Irishman’s eyes. “So who was that cheeky bloke in the pub?”

 Fili’s lips twitched and almost made it to a smile. “That was me trying to be Richie, a fella we used to hang with. I’m not a good enough actor to keep up the pretense.”

 The Irishman smiled and reached over to lay his hand atop Fili’s. He squeezed gently. “That’s okay mate, I like this bloke better. The other guy was a bit much.”

 Fili looked up and his lips finally made it to that smile. “Yeah, he is, isn’t he?”

 He leaned forward and tipped Kili's chin up so that their eyes met. “And you wonder why I'm interested in you. If this table wasn't in the way I'd kiss you right here and now.”

 “And break poor Mary's heart?” Kili was trying to lighten the moment.

 “The poor dear saw you holding my hand. I'm afraid her illusions are already shattered. But I don't think the blokes at the bar would appreciate it. Why don't you finish up that lovely cake and we can go somewhere more private?”

 The Irishman looked over at him with one eyebrow raised. “Was that you or Richie?”

 

“That was all me. I hope you don’t mind?” The dimples were digging deeply into his cheeks and his eyes were sparkling. “You make me feel brave.”

 

“I was hoping it was you.” He smiled happily and slid easily into his chair. When he turned he noticed that Mary smiled at him, but it didn't have its former warmth. Ah well, it's always hard to have your illusions shattered. It was nice, however, to realize that two people found him attractive. That was a relief. He'd been feeling as if that part of his life was over forever. He'd made up his mind when he was lying in hospital that no one wants a cripple. He knew that was harsh and not true, but a part of his mind refused to let it go. The gay scene could be particularly harsh with its emphasis on perfection. He looked over at Fili and dared to hope.

 After they got in the car the blond turned to him. “Where would you like to go? My place, or yours?”

 “Would you be upset, if I said I'd just like to go home?” Kili's voice was suddenly very small.

 'Of course not. Are you in pain?” Fili quickly started the car.

“No. No pain. I'm just confused.” He looked out the window at the pub; anything to keep from looking at Fili. “I was actually doing pretty good until I got in the car just now and suddenly it’s all coming at me at once. I never thought I'd date again. I sort of locked that part of myself away. I'm not sure what I do next...what we do next.”

The Kiwi put the parking brake on. “Well I know what I want to do next.” He leaned way across the seat and kissed Kili, first lightly and then harder, his lips teasing, the tip of his tongue flicking out.

Kili's breath caught in his throat and he allowed himself to relax and respond to the kiss. His lips parted and his tongue ventured forth to taste Fili's. He found himself sliding deeper into it as Fili cupped his face and held him and the kiss intensified. He leaned in and stopped thinking about anything except how wonderful this felt.

 When the blond leaned back to catch his breath and get the kink out of his back, Kili sat there with his eyes closed for a moment, reluctant to part with the bliss. He was aware that there was some activity in his pants and that he was sporting an enthusiastic boner. He could feel himself blushing when at last he opened his eyes and looked at Fili. The Kiwi met his eyes and licked his lips suggestively. The blush deepened as he visualized himself getting blown right in front of Kavanagh's.

 “Now I’m being really bold, but are you sure you won't come to my place?” There was no pressure in the words, just sweet invitation.

 Kili nodded. “I need to sort myself out. It's not you, Fili. Maybe tomorrow.”

 “Okay. Then tomorrow it is. No pressure. I’m not sure I’m ready either. If something happens that's grand. If not then we'll have a lovely evening. I can wait.”

 “Are you sure?” Kili asked hesitantly.

 “Yeah, I think we both just need to be sure.” He smiled at Kili, his eyes returning to being as blue as the summer sky. That smile went all the way through Kili to curl up in his abdomen and purr like a happy kitten.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks to Hal - hold_on_a_sex for keeping me honest about life on wheels. 
> 
> Folks you are missing out on two great stories if you haven't read her "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us." In Rio both Aidan and Dean are wheelchair athletes at the Paralympics. [**Romance in Rio**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1093396) In "We're Fighters" Dean has epilepsy and Aidan is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. [**We're Fighters, Every One of Us**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/988916)
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, kudos, or creative criticism you don't want to put in a comment, please email me at drakkhammer@gmail.com
> 
> My new blog is: [Drakkhammerwrites](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/%22%22)
> 
> Thank you very much for reading. I hope you enjoy the story and the marvelous art.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being in a wheelchair sucks. Having no confidence in himself sucks just as much. Fortunately family and friends aren’t willing to just let him wallow in self-pity.

 Kili shut the door and heaved a sigh. In the old days he would have been over at Fili's place, in his fancy bed having amazing sex. He wanted to hit something. He wanted to cry. He just fucking wanted to go back to the way life used to be.

 It took several long minutes for him to push back the anger and self-pity. He hated it when he let these feelings take over. He knew from his mentor in rehab that it was normal, but that didn't make it any more acceptable. He was not the kind of guy to sit around crying over spilt milk – never had been – never would be. If you lost a race, you packed up and trained harder for the next one.

But how do you train for sex? Or for a relationship? Or even dating?

He reached back for his DVD and didn't find it. Hauling the bag around to the front he went through it twice before giving up and coming to the conclusion that it must be in Fili's car. Okay, now the evening had switched over to embarrassing. All he could do was pray that the Kiwi didn't find it before he could claim it back. That he might watch it was unthinkable. Brain bleach! He didn't need his mind to go there. He would die if he found that Fili had watched it. He noped the fuck out and headed into the bathroom.

He was too tired and depressed to shower. He stripped off his tee, hauled his miserable ass into bed and laid there for a minute staring at a blotch on the ceiling. Having decided that it failed miserably as a Rorschach, he heisted first one leg up and then the other to remove his shoes. Frowning slightly, he remembered buying them thinking the Converse All Stars were way cool. Now the hightops protected his ankles from abrasions, thereby reducing their cool factor by about a billion. He rolled and removed his pants, dropping them on top of the shoes next to the bed. He lay back in his white boxer-briefs feeling incredibly unsexy. Eventually exhaustion overcame self-pity and he drifted off to sleep.

The kiss was long and slow and deep. The hands that massaged his burning skin were strong and skillful. A soft scrape of beard worked its way down his body, arousing him almost unbearably. He wanted. He needed.

He woke up.

For a moment Kili was disoriented. He was alone in bed.

Dammit, he was alone!

He arched up and then slammed his head down on the pillow in sheer frustration. He hadn't had an erotic dream since before his accident. He thought they were a thing of the past.

Apparently not.

His erection refused to go away. Heavy and throbbing, it pressed uncomfortably against the fabric. He reached down and adjusted himself. No, that was worse; now the pressure was directly on the head. It occurred to him after a minute of cursing that the reason he was uncomfortable was that he could feel it. Not just the heaviness that he'd felt when he got erect in the hospital, but he could actually feel his cock. Reflex erections didn't count. This one did.

Tentatively he slid his hand down and cupped himself. That didn't feel half bad, feeling being the operative term. He squeezed and it felt good. Sliding his hand under the waistband he got a grip and squeezed. Better. He stroked slowly, noting that the left side had less feeling that the right, especially toward the base. He slid up to the head and ran his thumb over the tip. This had always nearly set him off. Not this time. He tried again and found that the frenulum was still sensitive but needed a firmer touch. He stroked, concentrating on the right side and that tiny pucker of tissue and felt his hips give a jerk in response.

Tears misted his eyes for a moment. Why in the hell hadn't he tried this long ago instead of going out of his way not to touch himself? He'd been so afraid of what he'd find that he had made himself miserable for no reason.

He pulled his briefs down and spent the next few minutes experimenting. He pulled, pressed, tugged and explored. He had full feeling except where he didn't, but nothing was exactly numb and most of his length was actually still pretty sensitive. The head was not as much so as it had been, which might actually be a good thing as he’d always been pretty hair-triggered if touched there. Nerves were a funny thing and he'd been so lucky that many of his had been crushed rather than being severed. That meant there would be healing. Slow and perhaps incomplete, but healing and best of all some fibers were spared altogether.

His explorations grew more heated. It had been a long time. Too long.

Lube. He needed lube.

A frantic search through the nightstand netted him a tube of cocoa butter his mum had given him when his hands were chapping. He squeezed a strip onto his palm and smiled. He'd forgotten how it smelled. He was going to be jerking off with chocolate. His grin turned into a laugh. It doesn't get better than that.

The strokes increased in pace with more pressure. He shifted his customary grip to pay more attention to the right side. Ah, that was it. He went searching for an image to hold in his mind and found that sleepy sexy Fili giving him soft kisses worked just fine. He let himself drift, thinking about what might be and let his thoughts soar.

It took a long time, much longer than he was used to. He had to wipe off some of the lube to get a firmer grip. But he’d never been a quitter and varied his grip and stroke until it was working for him. He came hard, but not in the great spurts that he was used to. It didn’t matter that his pleasure rolled out of him instead of spattering his chest and belly. The only thing that mattered was the image in his mind looked down on him, blue eyes smiling, mustache beads swaying, shell pink tongue flicking out to lick perfect lips...

When he got his breath back, he cleaned up. Apparently the plumbing still worked, more or less. He lay back with a grin that not even sleep could wipe off his face.

 

* * *

 

He didn't wake until late and only then when Ori called. He groggily answered the phone only to hear an impossibly cheerful voice on the other end.

“You're either sleeping late, or drunk early. Not that I blame you for either.”

“Sleeping, you git,” he mumbled. “Or I was until you called.”

“It's nearly noon and high time your lazy arse was up and out of bed. The early bird catches the worm.”

“Did you fucking wake me up just to sound like my grandmother?” Kili asked irritably, raking his fringe out of his eyes.

Ori laughed, ignoring the snark. “Oh, hell no. I woke you up to see if you want to go grocery shopping with us tonight. Or do you have something more...special planned?”

“Yeah, I need to go and no, I don't have anything special planned.” He rolled his head to look at the clock and groaned. Well, there was nothing like hot sex to make you sleep, even if it was with yourself.

“So, how is your gorgeous boyfriend doing?”

“I don't have a boyfriend, gorgeous or otherwise,” Kili replied quickly. “We went out a couple of times, as friends.”

“You mean you didn't even get a kiss?” Ori sounded horrified.

Chuckling, Kili fessed up. “Yeah, I got a kiss, but that's as far as it went. We're just friends.”

There was a snort on the other end of the phone. “I don't know about you, but I don't go about kissing my friends. Well, maybe some of them I do, but not like, you know...kissing-kissing.”

Kili sat up, propping his back against the headboard. “I'm sure that statement made sense to someone somewhere. You're just fishing for information and I don't have any to give you. Don't you get enough with Dwalin, or do you need to live vicariously these days?”

“Oh I get plenty, but you're my best friend and I want to know that you're having a hot sex life too,” he protested.

“Only in my head.” Kili sighed and adjusted his position. “Now let me go so I can get up and dressed.”

Kili was sitting at the table doing a half-arse job making out a grocery list when he heard the doorbell ring and then a key in the lock. Only his mother and Uncle Thorin had a key and his uncle was working, so he called out; “Hi, Mum!”

“Oh good, you’re home.” Dis came around the corner carrying a tin that he knew without looking would contain biscuits. Having worried herself nearly to death while he was in hospital she had apparently made a bargain that if he lived she would bake him a continual stream of treats. He was sure that, being a good Catholic, she had made other darker bargains, but he refused to think about them.

He eagerly grabbed the tin, fumbling as he tried to open it too quickly. “More oatmeal, or maybe Nutella cupcakes?” he asked greedily.

She turned from putting the kettle on to boil. “I thought maybe you’d fancy some lemon slices. You haven’t had those in a while.”

At the mere mention, his eyes grew wider and he redoubled his efforts to open the tin. When the top sprang off he looked down at the neat yellow squares dusted white with icing sugar. His golden eyes went dark with lust. Scooping one up he popped it in his mouth, closing his eyes as he chewed blissfully, mouth too full to do more than moan.

Dis laughed merrily at him as she slid a chair out and took a seat. “I guess they meet with your approval.”

 

 

He swallowed and grinned at her. “You must promise me that you will never marry. I can’t bear to think of these in the hands of another man.”

She reached out and cuffed him lightly, ruffling his hair. “So, you’ve not jealous of me, only my cooking.”

“Your baking, to be exact,” he said, scooping up another slice.

“Speaking of men,” she said, blithely segueing. “I hear you’re seeing someone.”

Kili dropped his head, eyes scrunched dramatically. “I’ve been ratted out. I’ll kill Ori when I see him tonight.”

“It was Dwalin with the big mouth this time.” She ignored his performance and picked up a lemon slice for herself.

“Even worse, the family closet-case tells on me.” He consoled himself with a third lemon slice.

Dis rose, poured them both a cup of tea and took her seat again. She smiled sweetly, her blue eyes shining with amusement. “I’ve known you were gay since you were sixteen. So don’t look at me like that. I don’t have to like it to come to terms with it. You are what you are and I love you. So, who’s the lucky young man?”

“I’ve only been out with him twice, so I’m not exactly “seeing” him,” Kili answered. He was feeling distinctly uncomfortable with this line of questioning. His coming out hadn’t gone all that smoothly and he wasn’t used to the idea of chatting about boyfriends with his mum just yet.

Dis frowned. “Kili, I’ve said, ‘I’m sorry I didn’t take it well’ a thousand times. I don’t know how many more times I can say it. You’re young enough that you missed the whole AIDS epidemic and scare. You don’t remember parents throwing their children out in the street to die. I remember it all too well.” Her eyes misted, making them dark and haunted. She looked up at him. “Times and medicine have changed and I’m better educated about it all now, thanks to you, but you can’t blame a mother for having a moment of panic.”

Kili relented. He leaned over and took her hand. “It’s ok, Mum. I am always safe and it’s not like I’ve done or will do a lot of dating, ya know?”

She smiled at him, her dark blue eyes warming. “What about this young man you just met? Dwalin says he’s quite a catch.”

“Dwalin needs to keep his feckin’ mouth shut,” Kili mumbled, stuffing another lemon slice into his mouth to stall answering.

Dis laughed merrily. “He likes this bloke and told me that I should like him, too. Coming from Dwalin that’s amazing praise. So what does he do for a living?”

“Painter,” Kili said unhelpfully.

“Houses?”

“Art.”

“Aren’t you being the well of information,” she said, moving the tin when he tried to score another slice.

He frowned; his heavy brows tucking down to make him look fierce. She wasn’t impressed. “Talk, or I swear I’ll take them back home with me.”

“That,” he replied, “is blackmail.”

“It doesn’t get any blacker.” She gave him a sweet look and leaned back in the chair.

Reluctantly, he told her about Fili. It got easier when he realized that she was smiling and nodding. “He sounds nice. Dwalin said he’s not likely to be stoppin’ any clocks either. He’s got a braided ‘tash as well, does he?”

Kili laughed and reached for the tin, this time successfully. He grinned at her. “Yeah, he’s got braids with beads. Never seen anything like it, but I think it’s growing on me. His little niece did it and he said he hasn’t had the heart to cut it.”

Dis picked up a lemon slice and bit into it. “Okay, I like him. At some point you will introduce me, yeah?”

“Yeah. And to Uncle Thorin too. And Bilbo.” He said as an afterthought. “He’ll like Bilbo.”

 

* * *

 

 Shopping with Ori and Dwalin was fun. For a guy who looked like he could eat a Harley for breakfast he had a puckish sense of humor and loved to tease, especially anyone who stared too long at his tattoos. Ori was always like a kid in a candy store and was forever putting things into the trolley that Dwalin dutifully removed. The huge Scot was not an adventurous eater and didn't really care that Ori thought exotic foods might be interesting to sample. This day was no different.

Dwalin lifted the package out of the trolley with the tips of two fingers while Ori looked a combination of amused and sad.

“I am not...I repeat NOT going to humiliate myself buying these, let alone eating them.” His look brooked no argument and both Ori and Kili started to giggle. When the Irishman saw what it was he totally lost it and nearly hung over the side of his chair laughing.

When Kili could get his breath he winked and asked, “Now what could a brawny lad like you have against Jussipussi dinner rolls?”

“They're from Finland,” Ori added helpfully.

“I don't care if they're from Mars, they aren't going in my trolley; now go and get some real food.” Dwalin fixed Ori with a “don't fuck with me” glare that the smaller man completely ignored. He stood tiptoe and the Scot obediently bent down so he could be kissed. His eyes were sparkling as he watched his other half trot off in search of something else that would catch his eye.

Kili laughed and spun down the aisle looking for what his mum called “bachelor food.” He liked to eat healthy, but had no objection to a box meal every now and again when he was tired or feeling lazy. He still hadn't really gotten the hang of cooking from a sitting position and felt a little stupid holding a mirror up so that he could see inside a pot. The oven and broiler was more within reach. He vowed that when he got his insurance settlement he'd be eating a lot more steak.

He'd brought over a lapful of groceries to chuck into Dwalin's cart when his mobile rang. He picked it up and smiled when he saw the caller ID.

“Hi, Fili, I'm in the store grocery shopping. Want me to pick you up anything? Ori's managed to find some interesting rolls.”

“That would be brilliant, except that I'm in London.” Suddenly his voice sounded very far away. “There was a mix-up with my gallery and I had to go sort it out.” He sounded apologetic and a little sad.

“Oh,” Kili responded, feeling his mood sinking like the Titanic. “I guess I'll see you when you get back. Maybe.”

“No maybe about it,” Fili replied quickly. “I'll be back late Friday. I thought maybe, if you still want to, that you could show me around town a bit on Saturday.”

“I'll take you anywhere you want to go.”

Ori arrived just in time for the last line. “And boy, does he want to go…places,” he said loudly enough for half the store to hear him.

There was a laugh they could have heard from London without the mobile. “Hi, Ori,” Fili called back. Kili flipped the mobile on speaker so Ori could hear him. “You take care of Kili, or should I be telling Kili to take care of you?”

Dwalin laughed. “As long as we don't leave them alone together Dublin should still be standing when you get back.”

Fili laughed again. “Seems I'm leaving you in good hands. Have fun shopping and think of something interesting to do on Saturday.”

“Yeah, I will. You take care. See ya Saturday.” When he disconnected Kili’s smile wasn't as bright as it had been.

Dwalin leaned on the trolley handle, his blue eyes soft. “Saturday isn't that far away,” he said quietly.

 

 * * *

 

That was a damn lie, Kili reflected as he remembered Dwalin’s words. It was Friday and he was bored and antsy and wanted his wheels. More than that, he wanted it to be Saturday! He was sick of being stuck without a car. He’d called twice, but there’d been a cock-up and the wrong part had been delivered so that it would be a few more days. Balls!

Therapy had been less than brilliant and Bofur had kept conversation strictly to business. Kili caught him looking over a couple of times with a concerned expression, but he had no inclination to talk. The last thing he wanted was to be asked about the DVD.

He came home and logged into the chatroom. Archer28 was there among others. He immediately PMed Kili.

Archer28: sup?

ChaseBMX: question

Archer28: ask away

ChaseBMX: How did you know when you were ready to do it?

Archer28: you talking about the big IT?

ChaseBMX: yeah

Archer28: dunno you just do. You still seeing this same bloke?

ChaseBMX: yeah

Archer28: then I’d say you’re ready cause you wouldn’t be in here asking me if you weren’t

ChaseBMX: ??

Archer28: you’d know he wasn’t right.  You were going out with him last time we talked, how did that go?

ChaseBMX: weird

Archer28: ?

Kili explained the whole fiasco with the pain meds and the resulting sleepover.

Archer28: So this bloke takes care of you and feeds you and calls you for another date and you wonder if he’s the right one? Which end of your body did the car run over?

ChaseBMX: LOL so I should stop worrying.

Archer28: If you don’t want him can I have his phone number?

ChaseBMX: NO LOLROF!

Archer28: Then stop being a dick and go get laid.

 

The phone rang and he almost leaped to answer it. “Yeah?”

“One ring,” Bilbo laughed. “Were you incubating it?”

Kili was puzzled for a minute. The Englishman’s humor sometime went right over the top of his head and kept going into next week. “Uh. No,” he replied, wincing at his brilliance.

“Well, be ready in about ten minutes. Thorin is stopping by to fetch you. I’ve made a nice leg of lamb with rosemary and I need another opinion on this recipe. And I’ve made a Banoffee pie from a new recipe that I’m none too sure about.”

Kili smiled softly. Bilbo needed another opinion on his cooking like a race horse needed a fifth leg. “Sure, I’ll come and test it for ya,” he replied. “I think I could force down a piece of that Banoffee pie.”

He quickly said goodbye to Archer28 and told him he’d let him know if anything happened. Grabbing his jacket he headed for the front door. He didn’t have long to wait. Thorin brought his sleek black car to a halt and leaned over to throw the door open. He sat silently while Kili climbed in and stowed his chair. When all was settled he broached a little smile. “You’re looking well.”

Never much with small talk, Thorin never did know what to say unless they were discussing a topic that interested him.  Kili grinned at him; relieved that at least the first thing out of his mouth hadn’t been a demand that he get a haircut. “I’m doing fine, and yourself?”

Thorin chuckled. “Better now that the office is behind me. I swear every fool came out from under their rock today.” He looked at Kili with one eyebrow raised. “Did you know that it’s possible to set off your security system not once, not twice, but four bloody times and each time swear you hadn’t done a thing?”

Kili’s eyebrow mirrored Thorin’s and the big man laughed. “I didn’t think so. I told the bugger one more time and I’ll double his monthly fee. That should keep his thick fingers off the keypad for a fortnight at least.” Thorin owned an elite security company the dealt mostly with large firms and banks. Apparently even large firms employed the occasional moron.

“You’re in a good mood for someone who’s suffered the slings and arrows of idiots,” Kili observed.

“It’s the past tense of that statement that is the reason for my good mood, that and the prospect of a good dinner with Bilbo and my favorite nephew.”

“I’m your only nephew,” Kili observed.

“And a good thing, too. I don’t know as I’d survive two like you.” His voice was stern but his blue eyes sparkled. Truth be told, he’d always enjoyed his nephew’s exploits and had attended far more of Kili’s races than anyone besides his mum.

For his part, Kili adored the stuffy uncle who had provided support when the rest of the family had not approved of his career choice. (I mean, what man rides a bicycle for a living?) And with Thorin there no one had dared to challenge him when he came out. No one could imagine Thorin without Bilbo, so being gay wasn’t an issue anyone would be quick to bring up.

They pulled up the drive and immediately the front door opened and Bilbo rushed out. He greeted his husband warmly and then waited impatiently for Kili to assemble his chair and plop himself into it. Unable to wait a moment longer, the short man leaned over and swept Kili into a hug. It was enthusiastically returned, Kili realizing how much he missed Bilbo. He used to swing by to see what might be cooking several times a week, but that had been severely curtailed of late.

 

 

“Is this the new chair?” He stepped back to look at it critically. “Sexy,” he proclaimed. “It’s definitely sexy.”

Thorin shook his head, chuckling under his breath. Kili grinned and leaned back to pop a wheelie. He rocked back and forth on two wheels flagrantly showing off. “I thought about getting red, but you know I’ve always ridden blue.”

“And your gloves match,” Bilbo said with a smile. “I do believe you are what the young people call ‘quite a ride.’”

“Bilbo!” Kili exclaimed.

Thorin’s deep laughed rumbled around them. “For someone who chose a hot blue Shockblade chair, you protest too much.”

The younger man blushed a little. If he had to swap two wheels for four, it had damn better be sexy. He wasn’t kidding anyone. He’s been a hotshot since he was sixteen and nothing had changed.

He looked up at Thorin and nodded. “Thanks for getting the chair. My insurance should be along shortly, at least that’s what the solicitors tell me. I’ll pay you back for it.”

The big man nodded. “Of course you will. I never doubted it for a moment, lad.” He turned to Bilbo. “Now feed me before I waste away out here admiring Kili’s sexy wheels.”

Dinner was amazing, as always. Bilbo had discovered a young chef with a cooking show and several books. It looked as if Donal Skehan was going to be featured prominently for the next month or so. Since the entire dinner had been amazing, that was just fine with Kili and it looked as if Thorin agreed.

“You’re trying to make me fat,” Thorin said fondly, ruffling Bilbo’s hair.

Bilbo laughed delightedly. “Nope, just trying to keep you happy. That way the idiots you have to deal with will seem less tiresome.”

The big man rose from the table and slid his arms around his husband. He gave him a peck on the cheek, picked up his plate and carried it out to the kitchen. Kili watched him go; wistfully thinking that it would be brilliant to someday find a partner like that. Well, either of them actually. They were a study in contrasts, Thorin always in suits, perfectly barbered, looking like a handsome banker while Bilbo was always wearing cargo pants and cotton shirts, his hair a mass of dark honey curls. They blended into the perfect couple, both masculine, but in different ways.  They’d been great role models for Kili when he was a teen.

Thorin returned with the promised Banoffee pie. It looked more like a cake and was dripping caramel. Kili’s eyes widened and the slightly too full feeling vanished. “Oooh, this is brilliant.”

He’d only just bitten into it when Thorin looked at him fondly and said, “So, I hear you’re seeing someone.”

Kili froze with his mouth still open. His temper rose, but he smashed it down. “So, were you talking to Mum, or Dwalin?” He stabbed the pie and looked at his uncle out of the corner of his eye.

There was no change in Thorin’s expression. “I think the pie is quite dead, Kili. I’m not going to try to BS you. I’m concerned for you.” He let that statement rest for a moment before continuing. “I don’t want you to get hurt, but even more I don’t want you be alone. Getting your heart broken is normal part of life, but sitting home alone on a Saturday isn’t.” He grinned. “So who is this amazing young man I’m hearing about?”

Trying to describe Fili to Thorin proved to be elusive. When push came to shove he realized he didn’t know very much about the Kiwi except that he was talented, polite and a gentleman.

Being in security, his uncle didn’t find that totally comfortable. “So you know nothing about his past?”

Kili paused with his piece of pie balanced precariously on the fork. “Uh. Well…I… He’s a painter. And a photographer.”

“You’ve already said that several times. You said he’s from Auckland. Did you at least Google him?”

Bilbo shook his head. “Thorin, leave the boy alone. He’s just met the lad. It’s not like they are planning to run off and get married.”

Thorin looked at him and then at Kili. “The trouble with working security is that you know far too much about what people are capable of. I don’t mean to sound paranoid but I’m not comfortable with you going out with someone you don’t really know.”

Kili’s face froze. “You mean someone _you_ don’t really know. It’s because I’m in this chair, isn’t it?”

Thorin put his hands up in a placating motion. “It’s not like it used to be when you could take care of yourself.”

Kili’s fork clattered to his plate and he spun away from the table, cursing the fact that he didn’t have his car yet. “Fuck you!”

He could feel tears stinging his eyes and he used his anger to force them back. He headed for the door, but Bilbo beat him to it.

“Please, Kili. He didn’t mean it that way. You’ve not taken self-defense training yet and you’re…”

“Vulnerable? At risk? I’ve fucking heard it all. Don’t you think they bring all this up in rehab?” He could feel the tears stinging and it make him even more angry.

“I’m 22 years old. I’ve been fucking guys since I was sixteen. I think I can tell when I’m in danger.” He saw both Bilbo’s and Thorin’s eyes widen in shock at this admission.

He used his hurt and his anger as a weapon. “You don’t know as much about me as you think you do. I’ve been taken advantage of. I’ve been in some really stupid situations but you know what?” He paused to let that sink in painfully. “I know how to tell if a man is safe. Fili is the kindest, gentlest man I’ve ever met. I have no idea why he’s interested in me, but he is. I’m not going to listen to you say one bad thing about him. Not one!”

He opened the door. “Now take me the fuck home, or call me a taxi!”

Thorin walked over to him, towering over him in both size and manner. He laid a gentle hand on Kili’s shoulder and squeezed lightly. “I’m sorry. I apologize for insulting your friend. I had no right.”

Apologies were something that his uncle just never did. Ever. Kili forced himself to look up into sad blue eyes. “You’re the closest thing I will ever have to a son and I can’t bear that something could happen to you. Not again. I’m sorry I’m taking my worries out on your young man. I do trust your judgment.”

Kili reached up and laid his hand on top of Thorin’s. The gruff man was the only father he’d ever known and he loved him more than he could say. “Apology accepted,” he replied quietly.

Bilbo turned and faced both of the men in his life. “Do the two of you think you could come back to the table and finish dessert, or should I take that poor Banoffee pie to the neighbors?”

Kili’s look of sheer horror was his answer.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks to Hal - hold_on_a_sex for keeping me honest about life on wheels. 
> 
> Folks you are missing out on two great stories if you haven't read her "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us." In Rio both Aidan and Dean are wheelchair athletes at the Paralympics. [**Romance in Rio**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1093396) In "We're Fighters" Dean has epilepsy and Aidan is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. [**We're Fighters, Every One of Us**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/988916)
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, kudos, or creative criticism you don't want to put in a comment, please email me at drakkhammer@gmail.com
> 
> My new blog is: [Drakkhammerwrites](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/%22%22)
> 
> Thank you very much for reading. I hope you enjoy the story and the marvelous art.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili's dates had never before included dead ancestors and possibly the most ghastly looking stew he'd ever seen, but even cemeteries could be fun if they included a certain dark Irishman with eyes like warm chocolate and a smile that rivaled the sun.

 

The sun rose early on Saturday morning, Kili rose somewhat later. There had been wine last night and a couple of beers. Both Thorin and Bilbo were better drinkers than he was. He’d been out of circulation for too long, he supposed. Groaning softly, he hauled out of bed and rolled out to the kitchen for a glass of orange juice to wash down the pills for his headache. He looked at the slightly over-ripe bananas and frowned. They didn’t look appetizing, but he needed something in his stomach, so he peeled one and deep-throated it partly for amusement and partly to get it down before his stomach could protest. 

He went in, got dressed and then came out to pour himself a large bowl of cereal. The high fiber stuff tasted like cardboard, but it kept him regular. When things south of the border aren’t in the best condition regularity was imperative.

He was nearly finished eating when his phone rang. Fili’s number showed up on the screen. He fumbled the phone, nearly dropping it into his bowl. He stowed the mouthful of cereal in his cheek and answered.

“Did I catch you at a bad time?” Fili asked.

The Irishman stowed his cud in the other cheek. “Nope. J’us eatin’, sorry ‘bout that.” He swallowed. “Ok, now I can talk.”

“I’m back,”

“Yeah, I got that. How was London?”

“Large, busy and dreary. I’d rather be caught in the rain with you.”

There was a pregnant silence. “Really?” Kili finally said in a voice that was way too small.

“Yeah. So you wanna get caught in the rain again today?” The Kiwi sounded hopeful.

“Sure. Yeah. We could do that. Where did you want to go?” Kili’s brain immediately went dead and he had no suggestions.

“Well, maybe Glasnevin Cemetery and we could grab lunch at Gravediggers. I will pick you up at 11, if that’s okay.”

“Brilliant!” Kili was grinning. “I’ll be waiting for you. And I’ll even remember to bring my medication with me.” He had been hoping for a call from Fili. The Kiwi had some time to think this all over and maybe decide that he didn’t want to get mixed up with a wheelie. The Irishman hadn’t realized that he’d been on tenterhooks all week hoping for a call. He felt his tension drain from him and suddenly felt energized and awake.

Fili laughed. “Even more brilliant! You have to appreciate a man who brings his own drugs to the party.”

“Whut?” The Irishman’s eyes widened.

“I’m kidding, mate,” the blond said quickly. “I need all the brain cells I can get. Alcohol kills enough of them as it is.”

Kili was relieved. While pot helped with the spasms it was still illegal, the Republic not being liberal about medical uses, and he’d already been busted twice when he was young and stupid. The “third strike law” meant a court date and he didn’t even want to think about having to deal with his mum and Uncle Thorin, never mind jail.

By eleven he was sitting at the edge of the curb cut, picking at his glove nervously. He wasn’t supposed to get this fussed about taking someone to the old cemetery…was he? Was it a date? He supposed it could be called one, if by date you meant setting a time to meet and including a meal.

Before he had time to ponder it any further Fili pulled up and slid out of the car. He came around the bonnet with a grin and gallantly opened the door. “Let’s be off to find food and see what old bones we can rattle.”

The drive to Gravediggers was pleasant. Fili talked about his trip to London and the stuffy people he had to deal with. “It’s the only part about being an artist I don’t like—well, apart from the critics, that is. For some reason the people who really love art are rarely the ones who own or run the galleries. It becomes all about making the money, selling the art instead of appreciating it.”

Kili raised an eyebrow and Fili chuckled. “Well, I’m all about making some money, but it would be really nice to feel that a piece I’m proud of is worth more than x-amount of pounds.”

The Irishman nodded. He’s sometimes felt that way himself. He loved the adrenaline rush from the race, flying through the air and gaining the lead, but he knew that winning was what paid and what would ultimately land him the spot on the World Cup Tour. Would have landed him… A cloud passed across his face and he turned to look out the window so that Fili didn’t see.

Lunch was as amazing as dinner had been, only in a slightly different way. Fili had opted for a roast beef sandwich on thick soda bread and tried hard not to watch as Kili shoveled in the objects in his bowl of coddle. It had smelled good and he’d asked what was in it, being immediately sorry he had. The white bloated objects were some sort of sausage and the pinkish meat was pig’s trotters. When he asked what that meant he was really sorry. At least he could identify the potatoes. When the Irishman offered him a sample he’d quickly turned it down, shaking his head at the declaration that he didn’t know what he was missing. He had a pretty good idea what that would be…a fast trip to the loo to give it all back.

Glasnevin Cemetery itself wasn’t quite what the Kiwi had expected. Fili looked surprised when the pulled into the drive and found a modern building and a parking lot full of cars and a tour bus. “Is it always like this?”

“Yeah, history is big business in Ireland.” He paused. “This is the only part that’s built up, though, and does have some interesting stuff. They charge to get in, but without it they couldn’t afford to keep all this up like they do. The cemetery is massive, so they charge a few euros and preserve Paddy’s grave.”

“Paddy?”

“Or Maggie, or whatever ancestor you have planted here. Can’t have great-grandmum growing weeds, now, can we?”

Fili burst out laughing and a couple of tourists turned to look at him. He grinned at them, but felt that perhaps he needed to go into Kiwi-mode and take it down a notch. Wouldn’t want to wake the dead, you know.

When they got inside they stopped to ponder the choices. There were a number of tours, all of which included entrance to the museum. They both spotted the self-guided tour at the same time.

“Maybe I’ll come and take it one of these days, but today I want you to show me around,” he said earnestly.

Kili shrugged. “I dunno how much of a tour guide I am. It’s not like I’ve been here all that much. It’s a cemetery, ya know. I try not to hang out with dead people all that much.” He didn’t mention that he’d come too close to being one of them himself.

“Yeah, the dead are shitty conversationalists and we’ll make do with whatever tour guide skills you have stashed away in that hard head of yours.”

When they entered, Kili whipped out his wallet and quickly paid their admission. Fili looked like he was ready to protest, but was studiously ignored, so he just accepted his ticket with a smile and a thank you.

The museum was amazing even if a modern building with computers for locating graves didn’t quite fit the historic ambiance he’d been expecting. He set up shop at one and typed in a name. He frowned and said, “Looks like I have some more digging to do. I’m not getting anything. Are any of your relatives buried here?”

“Only the ones who aren’t still alive,” Kili replied glibly. That got him a head shake and a chuckle.

“We have a comedian in our midst.”

“Thank you, I’ll be here all week.”

“With lines like that I’d be more likely to give you five minutes. But, seriously, how far back does your family go here?” Fili was set to start entering names and dates.

“We go as far back as the cemetery. I think I’m related to half the people in here. My kin came not too long after Dublin became Dublin and not just a ‘black pool’ by the river Liffey.”

“Black pool?”

“That’s what the name Dublin means. Dublin Castle was built on the site, or that’s what the history books say. Mum always said the black pool was the basement of our first house, though.” He smiled. “I’m afraid I’m just bog Irish and the only way my family ever got into a castle was through the servants’ entrance.”

Fili threw back his head and laughed. “And probably met mine coming out at the end of a boot.”

He looked at Kili’s face and laughed again. “You didn’t think I came from lace curtain stock, did you now? My great-grandparents came to New Zealand in the belly of the boat with the other poor starving bastards fleeing the famine. They didn’t have two pennies to rub together, but they had each other and they built the rest on their backs and the backs of their eleven children. I’m lucky that one of the things they brought because they couldn’t sell it, was their talent for music and art. Fortunately for me I inherited those genes from them.”

“How do you know it was from them?” Kili couldn’t resist asking.

“Because the other side of the family couldn’t draw a straight line with a ruler and if you can’t play it at a karaoke it’s not music to them.” He made a face and then chuckleddepreciatively.

The Irishman laughed, his eyes sparkling. “Yeah, my family tree has a few of those hanging off too, mostly by their prehensile tails.” He started for the door. “Come on and I’ll show you where we planted them.”

The cemetery had paved roads that cut through it but if you wanted to see graves that weren’t next to it you had to hike. Kili led him down the street away from the museum, rolling quickly. It wasn’t until he turned to say something that he realized that he’d lost his companion. Spinning around he wheeled back to find the Kiwi completely lost in taking photos of a mausoleum that looked like a miniature castle.

The brunet rolled to a stop and watched quietly. Fili was lost behind the lens. He moved and angled and turned, taking shot after shot. Although not tall, he was perfectly proportioned and a delight to watch in motion. Kili was so entranced watching him that it took him a few moments to realize that the camera had been turned on him.

 

“Hey, cut that out!” he protested, lifting a hand to cover his face. “I’m not one of the sights.”

The responding grin was wicked. “I beg to differ.” He took another shot and then moved closer, laughing as his subject tried hard not to be his subject. Heavy brows were pulled down in a murderous scowl.

“I’ll shove that camera up yer fuckin’ arse if you don’t stop.”

“Promises, promises,” he taunted. “I came here to take pictures. You can’t blame me for photographing the most gorgeous thing in the place.”

Kili groaned and turned around, wheeling away as fast as he could. Fili had to jog to keep up. The brunet looked out of the corner of his eye and then, feeling evil, he leaned forward and really put his shoulders into it, sending his chair flying down the road. Fili burst into a run and then, realizing that there was no hope of catching him, took a seat on the curb and waited for him to realize he was alone and come back.

He put the camera on video, tipped the view finder up a bit, aimed it and held it still, capturing Kili’s brisk return. He flipped it off just before he was nearly run over. “Hey, watch whose toes you’re smashing!”

“I know whose toes they are. They belong to a really pushy photographer who sneaks up on a bloke and then doesn’t stop when he’s told to.” He flipped his chair into a wheelie and grinned as he balanced expertly.

“Well, if you run me over I’ll have to sit on your lap and you can just push me back to the car.” Fili slung the camera case over his shoulder. “So don’t be so cheeky.”

“Cheeky, am I? Well, sneaky, I guess we’re a match.” He brought the chair back down and shot backwards to do a donut and then returned.

He patted his lap. “Hop on, it’s just a bit down the street. I think they actually cut the old girl’s toes off when they paved.” He looked up, daring Fili to take him up on the offer.

“Do you have a license for this thing?” Fili asked dubiously.

“It’s in the post. Don’t be wuss.” The look was expectant, so Fili very carefully sat down slinging one arm around Kili’s neck and holding his camera case protectively in his lap.

“Am I hurting you?” Fili asked nervously, afraid to move.

“Naw, I’m not made of glass. I can feel you a bit. Your arse is warm.” He laughed at the look on the Kiwi’s face. “Hang on. I haven’t tried this before so we could end up in a heap.”

Before Fili could protest, Kili shoved off and had them rolling smoothly. His shoulders strained under his T-shirt and the blond had to admit that he didn’t mind a bit watching strong arm muscles bunch and flex. He got so interested that they’d come to a halt before a tiny plot with some truly ancient graves.

He slid off and Kili’s left leg immediately went into a spasm, rattling his foot against the footrest. Fili looked at in in horror, but before he could say anything the Irishman essayed a tiny smile. “It does that sometimes. It doesn’t hurt and it’ll stop in a minute. My body just sometimes does weird shite.”

Fili placed a hand on his shoulder. “As long as the ‘weird shite’ doesn’t hurt, I’m okay with it.”

Kili looked up at him completely puzzled. “Why is it that you’re so okay with the chair and all? Most people just want me to go the fuck away.”

Fili’s eyes were as warm and blue as a midsummer sky. “My cousin is in a chair. Has been for as long as I can remember. He dove into the shallows and broke his neck when he was just a kid. I only see him at family gatherings so I don’t know him real well, but he’s got a wife, a couple of kids and runs his own business. I guess it never occurred to me to think that he was any different than the rest of us yobs, or that you are for that matter.” He shrugged. “I don’t know why the chair doesn’t make any difference to me. It just doesn’t. Is that okay?”

Kili looked up at him unsure how to respond. “Yeah, that’s okay. Better’n okay. It’s nice to meet someone who isn’t all hung up on it.”

The blond nodded. “People get hung up on the weirdest things. Now come on and introduce me to your ancestors.” He turned and stepped onto the grass completely missing Kili’s nifty wheelie that popped his front wheels over the curb followed by a strong shove that propelled the back one up and over.

The Irishman pushed himself toward a small group of headstones that were arranged in a row with a small ironwork fence around them. “My mum could tell you more about them, but I’m related in some way to Maria McDermott and her husband Patrick. She was buried in 1833 and he followed in 1836. Their stones were cheaply made and haven’t held up all that well.”

Fili leaned over the fence taking several shots of the graves and markers. “It says that what looks like one son died in 1848 and the other in 1858. Someone must have had offspring but no mention is made.”

“People didn’t travel much back then, but if a son left chances are he never returned and that’s why he’s not buried here. Times were hard. Joseph may have died in _an Gorta Mórthe_ great famine.” His face became more somber and he looked away from the old graves.

Fili laid a hand on his shoulder. “I can’t even begin to imagine how it was. I don’t know how anyone survived it.”

Trying to get his mood back up, Kili put his hand on top of Fili’s and looked up at him. “Us Irish are tough bastards. It takes more than a famine to do us in.”

Fili squeezed his shoulder and smiled fondly. “That it does.”

There was a distant rumble of thunder. Kili looked up. “Looks like the weather is going back to being normal. We’d better head back.”

Kili wheeled easily and Fili followed, still dawdling and stopping to take shots of the more interesting headstones. The Irishman knew that he’d be back on his own so that he could explore without someone waiting impatiently for him. The rain was starting to spatter down by the time they reached the car.

Kili loaded himself and then his chair. He was getting faster at it and they were barely damp by the time they were both in and sitting looking out at the tourists who were bolting for their autos.

“I think we’d better get a head start on them,” Kili observed.

Fili started the car, swung it into reverse and headed for the gate. As he waited for traffic to clear he looked over at the Irishman. “Do you need to take any of your pain meds?”

Kili shook his head. “Nope, this is just a shower, not a big pressure drop like the storm was. I’m good to go. Speaking of going, where are we headed?”

“My place?” Fili was concentrating on avoiding the Aston Martin who squeaked into a far too-small spot in front of their car. “Fucking idiot thinks he’s James Bond.”

Kili laughed, “Well, then it wouldn’t do to run him down now, would it? He might shoot us with one of those rockets in the boot.”

‘No, we wouldn’t want that to happen. I’d hate to have my plans for the evening spoiled,” the Kiwi said, pulling a face as the Bond car braked abruptly.

“Plans? You have plans?”

“Of course. Well, only if you approve of them, that is.”

Intrigued, the brunet leaned against the door so that he could see Fili better. “And they are…?”

“I thought I’d show you that I can cook. I thought maybe a steak and a good bottle of wine. I never did get to show you my etchings.” He smiled almost shyly.

“Well, what are we waiting for? Lead on, MacDuff.”

 

* * *

 

The ride back to Fili’s loft was fun. They talked about a lot of things, none of them of any consequence, with Kili holding up most of the conversation and playing the tour guide. Typically Irish, he loved to talk, which was fortunate because Fili loved to listen. At times he only half heard what the brunet was saying, his focus on the sweet brogue and word choices. It was no wonder the Irish were famed for their music--they sang even when they talked.

They were nearly there when Kili’s phone sounded off with “Bad to the Bone.” He answered with “Hey, Dwalin,” only to be met with Ori’s excited tenor.

“Yo, Ori, Lose your mobile again?” he asked, winking at Fili who was only able to hear one side of the conversation.

“Just came from looking at dead people. They aren’t as interesting as you might think,” Kili teased. Fili could hear Ori’s puzzled silence and started to chuckle.

“Yeah, Gravediggers and then to the boneyard. Fili is looking up some of his long lost. We’re headed to his place so he can show me his etchings.”

“No, you’re not getting a full report, you little perv. I’ll call you tomorrow. Now go harass your husband and leave me to my fate.”

Kili was laughing when he hung up. “He says to take good care of me or Dwalin will kick yer arse.”

“Does he threaten all your boyfriends?” the blond asked, pulling into his parking space.

“No, just you,” Kili replied with a big grin.

Fili laughed and shook his head. “You know I really have no plans to slaughter you and dump bits of your corpse around Dublin.”

“I know that and they know that. But Ori can’t resist harassing you now and again. How often can a librarian actually threaten someone?”

“Good point. I’ll have to let him do it more often.”

Kili winked. “He’ll love you forever.”

They’d made the trip up to the loft aboard the rattley freight elevator, Kili enjoying the ride like a kid at an amusement park. Fili had the feeling that they could have ridden up and down a few more times.

The blond went into the kitchen to get the steaks out to let them warm. Kili stripped off his gloves and headed for the loo, intending to be done by the time Fili returned. He was just coming out and the Kiwi looked at him with some surprise.

Kili gave him a cheeky little smile. “I got it sorted, mate.”

The reply was a chuckle. “I see that. Promise though, that if you’re having a bad day you won’t turn down me being your grab bars again.”

“Deal. At some point we’re going to have to discuss who does what.”

“I’ll do my best not to be ableist, if that’s the right word,” Fili replied. “But some things I might want to do just because I like you.”

Kili shook his head, spilling his hair into his eyes, but Fili continued, “It’s like opening a car door for someone. Sure they can open it, but it’s manners.”

“Yeah. Okay,” Kili conceded. “But if you come running over to help me do something I can do myself I will punch you in the dick.”

Fili’s brows knotted. “I’d rather you didn’t.”

 

* * *

Supper was excellent. Fili was as good at frying up a steak as Bilbo, not that Kili would ever tell the little Brit that. Some things were best kept to one’s self. The Irishman had fixed the salads while Fili was over doing something on the stove that later proved to be a creamy mushroom gravy for the steaks. He’d made a simple mash of potatoes with bacon bits earlier and pulled it out of the fridge and popped it into the microwave to warm while they ate their salads.

The Kiwi decanted a luscious Pinot Noir that smelled of autumn and tasted like a summer night. Kili sipped at it while he watched Fili cook.

Frying the steaks only took minutes and Kili sat down to a simple meal that was just perfect. He looked over at the blond. “How is it that you can start with the same ingredients that I do and end with food while I just make bollocks of it?”

“My mum taught me what she calls ‘survival cooking’ before I went off to uni. I make balls of anything fancy, but I can do the simple stuff right enough. I’m especially good with dessert.”

Before Kili could say anything, he hopped up and produced a box of Mr. Kipling’s Angel Slices. They slid across the table and came to a stop in front of the brunet. Kili’s eyes widened and a huge grin slid across his face.

“How did you know I’m bonkers for these?” He grabbed the box and opened it quickly, claiming two of the cakes. “These, my man, are food of the gods.”

Fili threw back his head and roared with laughter. “Now I know your weakness. You’ll do anything for an Angel Slice.”

Kili’s mouth was too full to talk. He nodded enthusiastically, swallowed and said, “Damn straight. Gimme another one.”

Fili quickly opened the last two. He could see that it was guard it, or lose it with this man. When it came to Angel Slices Kili took no prisoners. He was staring lustfully at the last cake, but the Kiwi winked at him and ate it. “I wouldn’t want you to get fat.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t. I’m one of those buggers that can’t gain. I always looked like they wouldn’t let me near the table. It wasn’t until I took up biking that I filled out. Hospital and rehab took most of that though.” He looked a little sadly at the empty cake box.

Fili got up and retrieved another one. “Here you go, I wouldn’t want to be accused of starving you.”

Kili tore the box open and was happily chewing on another cake before the Kiwi had finished speaking. Fili just sat here there grinning at him.

“How old did you say you were again?” Fili asked, opening another cake.

“I didn’t, but I’m twenty two. Old enough to know better—young enough to do it anyway.” He grinned cheekily and helped himself to another cake.

Later, having established that Fili actually had no etchings, Kili was investigating the sketches that Fili had taped up. Next to an open sketchbook was a folded newspaper. He picked it up and was surprised to see the blond smiling at him standing next to Kate Middleton. The headline read: “Rising Artist Donates Painting to Charity.”

The Irishman picked it up and turned around. “You met the Royals?”

“Only Kate. She’s very nice. Her people contacted my agent and wanted to know if I’d donate a painting for a charity auction. I could hardly say no. I was as surprised as anyone when she showed up to the photo session.” Fili was a little embarrassed by the article. “It wasn’t that big a deal.”

“No deal at all, mate. You just pop off to London for a bit of a bash with the Duchess of Cambridge.” He carefully laid the newspaper back down. Popping a wheelie he balanced for a long moment. “Maybe I should get yer autograph.”

“Sod off! I said hello, shook her hand, got my photo taken and that was the end of it. You make it sound like we hung out.” He turned his back on Kili and went over to his entertainment center and made a show of looking through CDs.

Kili rolled over and joined him. “Sorry about that, but I had to say something.”

The Kiwi chuckled. “Of course you did, I already got shit from my cousin about it. Mum is probably going to have it framed and by now my dad is sick of hearing about it. So am I. What kind of music do you like?”

Kili sifted through a stack and held up a CD, looking at it reverently. “You have Miriam Makeba.”

“I have originals of her first two albums back home,” Fili replied. ‘I didn’t think you’d know her.”

“My mum loves World Music. I grew up with all kinds of folk music from the Weavers to Ladysmith Black Mambazo. We listened to a lot of Celtic too. When the others were headbanging I was trying to be Johnny Cunningham.”

The Kiwi leaned forward, “I have some Silly Wizard in here somewhere. Cunningham’s one of the best fiddlers ever.” He went looking through a stack on the floor and triumphantly retrieved a CD. He put it in the deck along with Miriam Makeba and the Fureys, declaring, “I love Finbar.”

“Even if he does look like he’s homeless,” Kili laughed.

Fili flopped on the love seat that sat in front of the fireplace. “Come on over and get comfortable for awhile.”

Kili spun over and eyed the small couch. “Is this all you could afford?”

“Give me a break, I’ve only lived here for a month. I’m lucky I have a bed. It was free. The guy I got the bed from brought it with him. Apparently his wife bought it and hated it, so it had to go. Anyway, if I build a fire I’m going to be on the floor in front of it, not sitting on a sofa.”

Kili’s eyes sparkled. “Oh, I like the sound of that. I wish it was cold enough for a fire.”

“We could pretend,” Fili suggested. “Do you think we can both fit up here?”

He stood up and went out into the kitchen. When he returned with the wine bottle and two glasses he found the Irishman had transferred to the sofa. He set the wine and glasses on the floor, moved the wheelchair back a bit and then wiggled into the spot next to Kili. They sat there like passengers on a crowded tube, shoulder to shoulder and not sure what to do.

They sipped their wine, the position a bit awkward for such niceties. The wine was rich against his tongue, smoky dark like its name. Kili sucked air over his tongue and really tasted it, amazed at the complexity of the flavors. He’d definitely spent too much of his life racing, bikes, wine…sex…

He finished his glass and handed it to Fili. “Would you like a refill, there’s a little left,” the Kiwi asked.

Kili shook his head. “I’m fine. Better’n fine. This is definitely going to be one of my favorite ways to spend an evening.”

Fili smiled at him. Damn those amazing dimples! The Kiwi slid his arm around Kili’s shoulders and they sat there for a moment before he said, “I would very much like to kiss you.”

Kili merely nodded, his eyes fluttering shut as he leaned forward.

The kiss was soft and sweet. It went on and on, as they adjusted position and explored each other’s mouths. Kili savored it. This was different. There would be no mad rush to leap into bed for a quick hot fuck and then out the door. This was going to be slower, to be savored instead of consumed and it was going to be very very different.

When they came up for air, Fili inadvertently kicked the Irishman. Kili didn’t notice, making the blond wince. He pulled away and Kili reluctantly released him. He bent and quickly took his shoes off and then his socks. Wiggling his toes, he asked, “Do you want your shoes off too?”

“Sure, they’ve been on since morning. If you move, I can do it.”

Fili got up and watched as Kili lifted first one leg and then the other, deftly removing his sneakers. He left his socks on because he said his feet get cold. The blond wondered if that meant he could feel them, but didn’t feel comfortable asking. He went to sit down again and found that Kili was looking up at him with a twinkle and outstretched arms.

“Sit in my lap,” he said softly. “I kinda liked it this afternoon. I can feel your weight on my legs. It feels good.”

 

 

The blond sat down carefully. He didn’t put his weight on the Irishman’s legs but instead sat next to him with his legs over the top of Kili’s. This put them face to face—the perfect position to kiss. Taking advantage of it, Fili leaned forward and claimed Kili’s lips. The result was instantaneous and enthusiastic. Their arms wrapped around one another as the kiss deepened.

Lips moved slowly seeking a better purchase, tongues slid out and over the other slick and warm. Fili’s mustache braids tickled them both as they swayed. Kili was more aware this time than he could ever remember being. He noticed Fili’s taste, earthy from the mushrooms and maybe the dark wine. The kiss deepened. Definitely the wine, rich and sun-warmed and tasting of Italy and laughter. It was making his head spin. He was dizzy. He hadn’t drunk that much. It couldn’t be the wine…it must be the kiss. He pulled Fili closer, his tongue questing deeper. He didn’t want it to end. He’d die if it ended.

It was glorious. It was hot. It was sexy. It was something Kili had been afraid was lost to him forever. He drank in the kiss, wanting to feel and taste and experience everything about it. Fili’s short beard was scratchy against his scruff and the mustache beads bounced against the corners of his mouth, being both sexy and annoying at the same time. He captured one between his teeth and tugged gently.

Fili laughed. “It might be time for those to become history.”

“I dunno,” Kili replied, flicking one with his tongue. “I kind of like ‘em. I might use them for handles.”

The Kiwi groaned. “Now that makes a great mental image, you dragging me around by my upper lip.”

Kili pouted. “When you put it like that, no. But Maybe I don’t have to drag you. Maybe I could more…encourage you.”

“I like the sound of that better. Much better.” Fili leaned in for another kiss.

Kili’s tongue explored his mouth and then his lips. There was another tug at a mustache braid that made him giggle. For some reason the Irishman decided he liked sucking on Fili’s lower lip. That was new and sexy as hell. He shuddered as Kili’s teeth skimmed over his lip and bit just to the point of pain, followed quickly by the flick of a soothing tongue. He groaned and leaned in for more.

Kili was thoroughly enjoying himself. He had always liked making out, but his partners had always had one goal. Sex was nice and all, but this was nice too. There was no pressure. Fili was letting him set the pace and following his lead. He wound his arms around the Kiwi and wondered why he had been so afraid of this.

The last CD had finished and the first one started again. The room had darkened with only the warm glow of the nightlight on the desk for illumination. They were still entwined, but the kissing had given way to snuggling. Fili had leaned back against the pillow and Kili was laying against him, hands still moving slowly over anything they could reach, twining in the soft curls of his partner, then sliding down to play with his beard. It felt to the blond as if Kili couldn’t get enough of touching him. It had stopped being erotic and had moved into sweet sensory fulfillment.

“It’s getting late,” Fili said softly, his lips against the brunet’s cheek.

Kili nodded. “I know.”

“Do you want to go to bed?” Fili whispered. “I don’t mean to do anything. We’ll just cuddle some more and go to sleep if you want.”

Kili froze. “Is it…is it something I’ve done?” he asked in a tiny voice.

“You?” Fili tightened his arms around the Irishman. “No, never you. It’s me. I’m dragging my past with me and I don’t want it to hurt you.” I don’t want to rush into something you aren’t ready for just because I want it.”

Kili looked at him, thick brows pulling down into a frown. “You said you’d been in a relationship. Maybe we need to talk about it.”

“This would totally be the wrong time and place. It wasn’t that bad, just me staying with someone I should have left long ago. He heaved a sigh. “I feel like Marley’s ghost with a fuck ton of chain attached to me. I need you, but you don’t need that shit in your life. I just want to be free of it and have to be careful not to rush into anything.”

Kili kissed his cheek and slid around to claim his lips again. “I think I’ll be the judge of what I need in my life. I don’t care if you have enough chain to anchor the Titanic.”

“The Titanic sank,” Fili said, a tiny smile twitching the corner of his mouth.

“Bad analogy, ok,” Kili retorted. “I have about a mile of it myself, in case you didn’t notice.”

He kissed Fili again and nuzzled up against him. “Maybe we should get a trolley to put all our baggage in. Every now and again we can chuck a bag out.”

“Whack off a link.”

“Or three.”

They sank back into a long slow kiss. Fili flicked the tip of his tongue out and traced the Irishman’s lips. He pulled back and smiled. “I think I just heard a link hit the floor.”

“Two links,” Kili amended. “Definitely two.”

Another kiss and then Fili slid off Kili’s lap, grimacing as he tried to work the kink out of his back. He pulled the Irishman’s chair over and left him to transfer into it. Picking up both pairs of shoes he headed into the bedroom. It took only a moment to lower the bed (he was still kicking himself for not thinking about doing it the last time) and then headed for the loo.

Fili realized that Kili was behind him watching. Blushing a little he zipped up and turned around to find the brunet grinning at him. His “Sorry about that,” didn’t sound all that apologetic.

“You like watching me pee?”

“I like watching you do pretty much everything,” was the cheeky reply. “Now bugger off.”

“You got to watch me pee,” Fili said, going to the sink and slowly washing his hands.

“Well you don’t have to do a balancing act and wrestle with your pants, so piss off and leave me in peace.”

Fili paused on his way out of the door. “At some point you are going to have to let me see you pee, you know.”

The brunet sighed and looked up at Fili. “Rule number one is that you don’t turn a potential lover into a carer. There are some things about me that you just don’t need to know.”

“You’re wrong, you know,” Fili said softly as he left and shut the door.

Kili made an appearance later and found that the Kiwi had already turned down the bed. He was sitting on the edge patiently waiting for Kili to be finished. He smiled as he noted that the Irishman had left off his pants and was wearing only his black T-shirt and a boldly printed pair of Superman briefs.

“I forgot I put these on this morning. They were what was clean. It’s my mum’s idea of a gag gift.”

“I’d say your mum has a pretty good sense of humor.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty cool.” He pulled up next to the bed and boosted himself in.

Fili handed him the remote for the bed. “I had it working as one unit when you were here last, but I untethered it. Here’s the control for your side of the bed. If you push this big bottom button they will light up. Adjust it as you need to so you’re comfortable. I tend to sleep like the dead, so you won’t bother me.”

Kili took it and set the remote where he could reach it easily. “Thanks, you think of everything.”

The Kiwi smiled shyly. “I’ve had a week to think about this, so it’s not like it’s all spontaneous.”

“So you plotted to get me into your bed?” Kili’s eyes were sparkling, making them amber in the soft light.

“I did. Is that a bad thing?” He cocked his head, making his mustache braids sway.

Kili smiled from under his fringe. “Not at all. I like that you’ve thought of me. I’ve thought a bit about you as well.”

The blond chuckled. “Then we’re even and we’ve both been doing a lot of thinking. I’m thinking you should get comfortable.” He paused for a moment and then said, “Crap, I forgot to put the beer in the fridge. I’ll be right back.”

The Irishman watched him go and then spotted the entertainment remote on the nightstand next to his side of the bed. Genetically incapable of leaving buttons alone he picked it up and hit the on switch. It came up bright and loud playing the last DVD Fili had put in.

There on a 152cm screen was a man in a wheelchair being ridden by a woman.

Fili had just been coming in the door and he froze, his eyes wide in horror. Kili was unable to tear his eyes from the screen. The couple was moving slowly and an educated voice came on explaining positioning. Kili’s finger finally found the off button and he sat staring at the blank screen.

“What the fuck?”

“I’m so sorry,” Fili whispered. “I found it in the car.”

“So you watched it.”

“Yes. But…”

Kili looked at him, eyes black with anger. “Did you jerk off to it. Did watching crip porn turn you on?”

“No, I didn’t jerk off to it. Would you like to let me explain, or do you prefer the ugly pictures in your head?” Fili came over and stood next to far side of the bed and waited.

Kili flipped the remote over to him. He heaved a sigh and raked his fringe out of his eyes with trembling fingers. “Okay. Talk to me.”

Fili sat down so that he faced the head of the bed. “I found the DVD and thought it was one my agent dropped. It wasn't marked. I had no idea what it was until I put it on.”

“In the bedroom?”

“It’s the only DVD I have; the one in my laptop doesn’t work. I can bring it in and prove it if you like.” Kili shook his head and Fili continued.

“I knew it was yours. When I saw what it was I didn’t know what to do. I looked on line and joined a forum to ask what I should do.” His eyes were downcast, staring at the bed. “They all said I should watch it and then if I still wanted to be with you we should watch it together.”

“If you still wanted to be with me?” Kili’s throat tightened, making his voice raw.

Fili nodded. “The consensus was that the partner should know what they are getting into and so I watched it.”

“All of it?”

Again the nod.

“And did you like what you saw?” Kili’s voice was as cold as ice.

“It didn’t bother me. I thought it might, but it didn’t. It’s just people doing the best they can to get on with their lives.” He looked up at Kili, his eyes soft and dark. “I thought a lot of it was beautiful. Love is always amazing.”

“Are you even fucking real?” Kili sat there looking at the blond. He didn’t know what to think. He felt like his head was spinning.

“That’s pretty much what I’ve wondered about you,” Fili replied quietly. “You’re so out of my league that I keep waiting for you to vanish.”

Kili sat there in shock. “Out of your league, you’ve got to be fucking kidding! You’re a famous artist, you live like this and get photographed with Royals. I’m a bloke who raced bikes, for fuck’s sake. I lived in a crap flat and wouldn’t have eaten half the time if it weren’t for my mum. Now I live with old people. Christ, I don’t think I have a league.’

Fili smiled ruefully. “I’m not famous. I’m the geek who sat in the front of the room and got wedgies from the ruggers. I’m boring and I’ve spent my life either in a studio staring at a canvas or peering through a viewfinder. You’ve gone out and done what I’ve only taken pictures of.”

Kili looked at him and then dropped his eyes. He remembered guys like Fili and he remembered what he and his friends used to do to them. When you think you’re cool you don’t worry about things like growing up. He looked up at the blond. In school he wouldn’t have looked at him twice. He’d never bothered with uni, half because his grades were too poor and half because if it didn’t have two wheels he wasn’t interested in it. Yet here he sat in the bed of an artist who was kind of a big deal in London, got his name in the newspapers and was for some reason interested in a loser. This wasn’t some hot rider he’d picked up because he was horny. He was in completely unfamiliar territory.

The Kiwi heaved a sigh. “I’m sorry I looked at your DVD without asking permission.”

“And I’m sorry I was such a yob about it. I’ve been avoiding the fucking thing.” He looked up at Fili and made a face. “I can’t believe how uncomfortable talking about this makes me. I feel like my mum.” He tried to grin but it was doomed to failure.

“I think,” Fili said, “it’s time to stop talking about it and quit worrying about something that may or may not happen. If it doesn’t happen, we’ll still be friends, right?”

“Yeah,” Kili said the smile finally blooming. “We’ll definitely be friends. He held out his arms. “Come’er you–.”

Fili leaned across the bed and let himself be scooped into a hug. Strong arms slid around him and the Kiwi was pulled hard against Kili’s chest.

“We are so fucked up.” Kili buried his face in soft blond curls.

Fili nodded and pressed a soft kiss into the hollow of Kili’s throat. “At least we’re fucked up together.”

“Yeah, we are that, mate. Think we have a chance?”

“I think if we don’t then no one does.”

This time Kili’s eyes warmed as he smiled. He ruffled those tempting curls. “Come on and get in bed. I intend to take you up on that cuddling offer.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks to Hal - hold_on_a_sex for keeping me honest about life on wheels. 
> 
> Folks you are missing out on two great stories if you haven't read her "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us." In Rio both Aidan and Dean are wheelchair athletes at the Paralympics. [**Romance in Rio**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1093396) In "We're Fighters" Dean has epilepsy and Aidan is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. [**We're Fighters, Every One of Us**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/988916)
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, kudos, or creative criticism you don't want to put in a comment, please email me at drakkhammer@gmail.com
> 
> My new blog is: [Drakkhammerwrites](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/%22%22)
> 
> Thank you very much for reading. I hope you enjoy the story and the marvelous art.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will you catch me if I fall?
> 
> Vist me at my new blog: [Drakkhammerwrites](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/%22%22)

  

Kili was having the best dream. He was racing—flying—soaring, his bike getting more air than ever before. He was sticking his landings perfectly and was ahead of the pack. He was going to cruise to an easy win.

  _Yes!_

Then the scene shifted as dreams are wont to do. He and Fili were in bed together. He wasn’t paralyzed and they’d been having a hot makeout session. He was lying half on top of the blond, pressing him back into the pillow. His pants were hindering his movement and he was going to remove them as soon as he could stop kissing his gorgeous golden Kiwi. He had all the time in the world and he was going to continue to kiss Fili senseless and then slowly, oh so slowly, peel his clothes from his body, kissing every inch of skin as he bared it. He was going to do other things, too, other hot, erotic, filthy things that would make the blond forget his own name.

 

 

 

 Kili woke slowly, his brain kicking in one cell at a time. Finally enough of them were firing to tell him that Fili was curled around him and that it was nice. The other scene had been a dream, but a nice one. A few more brain cells came on line and he woke all the way as he realized that a very friendly erection was pressing against one of the places on his thighs that he could feel. It was dark and probably the middle of the night. He could feel his body responding to that delicious hard on and willed himself to ignore it. Nocturnal boners were just a fact of guy life and nothing to get worked up about. Now if only his dick would get the message and go back to sleep.

 He shifted a little and Fili made a soft sleepy noise that could have been anything from a snore to a moan. It didn’t matter what it was because Kili’s cock heard it and went straight from “maybe” to “Hello there!” Gritting his teeth, he tried to relax and will his body to return to its previously flaccid position. The Kiwi made another sound. This one was definitely a moan and Kili’s cock rose to meet it.

 The teeth gritting had progressed to lower lip biting and the Irishman was pondering if it was possible to have a stealth wank with someone clinging to him like ivy on a uni wall. Fili shifted, sliding his leg over Kili’s, his erection dragging along the brunet’s thigh in a motion that felt as if it was conducting a thousand volts. The Irishman’s thigh muscle twitched in response. Great, now what?

 Just when he was pondering ‘accidentally’ falling out of bed, Fili jerked awake and immediately shoved over to his own side. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to crowd you.” His voice was an octave higher with surprise.

 “Hey, it’s okay. It didn’t bother me. It was nice, actually.” Kili reached out in the dark, smacking Fili’s shoulder and then sliding his hand down to twine their fingers together.

 “Really?”

 “Yeah. Really. I could feel you against me…down there. It was nice.” He rolled over as much as he could and felt around for the Kiwi, wishing to hell his eyes would adjust. When he found him, Kili slid his hand behind the blond’s shoulder and pulled him closer. “You’re too far away.”

 Fili moved over, but not as close as he was. “I was sleeping, I wasn’t trying to molest you.”

 Kili chuckled. “I hope not, because you were snoring in my ear. I like to think I’m more exciting than that.”

 “You’re definitely more exciting than that,” Fili replied. He scooted over a little more and Kili felt soft lips press against his cheek. He turned his head to meet them.

 This kiss was different than the ones on the sofa. There was hesitation and longing and a little fear. In the living room nothing was going to happen but now things might be expected, disappointment was possible, even probable. The kiss shot straight to “oh fuck what am I doing?” and the Irishman tensed in response.

 Fili felt Kili’s breath hitch and pulled away. “We don’t have to do this. We can wait until we’re both ready. We have all the time in the world.”

 “I…I want this.” The words left Kili’s lips before he knew he was going to say them. “I need you.” He was afraid, but he’d been afraid before and he knew that once he got off the ground it would be all right. He was starting to trust that lovely sweet man who was lying next to him. This might turn into a disaster, but he wouldn’t know if he didn’t try. “I trust you. I know you’ll be there to catch me.”

 This time it was Fili’s breath that caught and held. He lay still, unsure what to do, one thumb still stroking slow circles on Kili’s shoulder. He didn’t know if his partner’s faith was misplaced. He’d never been able to catch anyone, not even himself.

The Irishman lay still a moment, pushing aside all the worries. He’d raced bikes, hurling himself fearlessly off the starting line, fighting to be first and hold the lead. He got more air than most riders and owned freestyle with his ability to do tricks that gave his mother near heart failure. If he could do all this why was he so afraid to reach over and claim the most gorgeous man he’d ever met?  

He realized that Fili was waiting for him. Well, it was time to get this bike off the ground and into the air. He took a deep breath and rolled over as much as he could, sliding his arm across the Kiwi’s chest.

He felt Fili freeze for a long moment and then respond as he fought his own fears, shoving them to the back of his mind and letting himself reach for Kili. He curled into him, nuzzling his neck, tiny kisses nipping at stubbled skin, sending electric shocks through Kili’s body. He’d never realized what an erotic zone his neck was. The blond moved a little and found the shell of Kili’s ear, his breath soft as he laid tiny kisses, flicks of the tip of his tongue striking sparks against skin unaccustomed to caresses.

“You are so hot and I want you.” The Kiwi twist on the words was nearly as erotic as words themselves.

“I want you too,” his sweet Irish brogue equally affecting Fili. They were going to get drunk on one another’s accents. Just talk to me, whisper sweet erotic words and let me listen to the music of your accent, the song of your words. Hold me tight and tell me that I’m someone special to you, that I’m not alone in the night.

The kiss was a clash of tongues and teeth and passion. A braid got into their mouths and they both spit at the same time, too hot to find it amusing, Nothing was going to get between them--not beads, not fear, not disability. Hands slid over muscled bodies, under T-shirts and over crisply furred chests to drink in as much sensation from touch as they could.

“Shirt,” Kili gasped and strong hands slid it from him in one motion and then paused to remove the second shirt that was a barrier to touch.

Fili threw it on the floor along with Kili’s. “Do you want me to turn on the light?”

“No. No light.” Kili couldn’t say if it was to hide scars or because the velvet of the dark that surrounded them made everything more erotic. But no light, not this time.

The Irishman reached out found the blond’s chest and ran his fingers over the skin, following the curve of his pec, marveling that the crisp hair was kinked into peppercorns instead of being straight. Touch showed him what eyes could not see in the darkness and he found himself drunk on exploration. He wanted to touch and experience every inch of his partner. He was on fire with lust, but unlike the past, he had no drive to race to the finish. In this race the prize was sensation—not completion.

Fili nuzzled and licked and sucked his way down the brunet’s neck to pause and explore his collarbone, tracing it to the hollow of his throat and then down through the long soft dark hair of his chest to capture a dusky pink nipple. Kili’s breath hissed as the lick turned to suction, punctuated by nips that stopped just short of pain. The sensation shot straight to his groin to pool warmly and then heat slowly to a boil.

He desperately wanted to get his mouth on Fili, but he was being held and explored with that luscious tongue doing amazing things to the skin on his chest and now his belly. Oh god it was doing things on his belly that he didn’t know would feel so good. Bellies were for tickling, but this didn’t tickle—those long slow licks felt as if the skin itself were rising up begging for more. And he was moving lower…

Fili was also finding that being in a completely dark room was incredibly erotic. He could make out Kili’s shape, but nothing else. Everything had to rely on his sense of touch and hearing. His listened for changes in breathing, for the escalation of those soft sweet sounds coming from Kili’s soul. It was like playing an instrument. He had to find the melody and hold it while adding and blending the accompaniment. Mouth and hands worked together—to play the Irishman.

He’d done as much research as he could about what to do, but it all came down to explore and enjoy the journey. A soft sweet moan escaped Kili’s lips as the blond delved into the shallow pool of his navel. Fili spent a long moment exploring that wonderful flare of soft hair and then continued to kiss and lick and suck as he moved lower. His mustache beads dragged against sensitive skin eliciting skin twitches, making the Kiwi’s own cock pulse in response. His goal was a tour of the slender muscular body beneath him; his own pleasure could wait.

Kili felt as if he was going to burst. He never had a partner who didn’t head straight for his goal. He was a racer and he bedded racers. Sex was as hot and frenzied as the race they’d run earlier. The end result was triumphant with both athletes claiming victory. But victories are short-lived and transitory. He’d never been in a relationship, never even been close. It was all about scoring and orgasms. He felt the drift of Fili’s hands and mouth and realized what he had been missing…oh, what he had been missing.

He reached out and arms made stronger in rehab simply lifted Fili and pulled him around on the bed. The Kiwi started in surprise, but a chuckle drifted up in the dark and he willingly moved and turned to position himself so that the Irishman could do some exploring himself. The chuckle turned to a gasp as strong gentle fingers found what they were seeking and slid down crisp belly curls to cup and squeeze. Involuntarily he thrust his hips forward begging for more. It was Kili’s pleasure to give it to him.

The brunet licked delicately at the head, lapping up the clear precum, using the tip of his tongue to spread it and slick the sensitive skin. He was totally at the wrong angle to be able to reach the underside where the most nerves lay but his partner wasn’t complaining. Fili paused to allow the Irishman to explore him, his breath whistling between his teeth as hands joined tongue in an attempt to pay attention to everything at once. His hips jerked as he nearly lost it, but he pulled it together and turned to concentrate on Kili.

Kili froze when Fili leaned down and captured the head of his cock. Soft pink lips closed over the glans, tongue flicking and licking and then applying sweet soft suction. The world went silent and the rotation stopped. For a long moment it was just the night and the heat and the sensation. Then it all started up again with a jerk as that perfect mouth slid down his length and back up again. Their position on the bed was perfect for the blond to apply tongue pressure to the right side where all the feeling was concentrated. Kili surprised him by having his right leg go into spasm. It straightened out and shivered hard. Fili paused, not sure what just happened.

“Don’t stop,” came the whispered plea.

“You moved.”

“Yeah, I it’s just a spasm I think it means my body likes what you’re doing. I know I sure as fuck do.” He smiled a little and added. “My nerves are all fucked up. Don’t read anything into my moving. I get spasms. At least they aren’t as bad as they were. I’m still figuring out what’s what. I don’t have much sensation on the left side of my cock and the head isn’t as sensitive as it used to be. I haven’t tried anything else.”

Fili was remembering what he’d seen in the videos. There were no rules, everyone was unique. The blond kissed the head lightly. “Tell me what works, okay? If you kick me out of bed I’ll figure that I need to do something else.”

Kili laughed, his abdomen rippling under Fili’s hand. “I’ll try not to do that, but no promises if you find a touchy spot.”

Fili leaned up and planted a wet kiss on his belly. “Well, let’s see if I can find something your body likes. He moved back down to the hard cock that was waiting for him.

“That’s brill,” he moaned as Fili did a lick and swirl thing with his tongue. “Brilliant. Jaysus, don’t stop. Please, don’t…” Kili’s words dissolved into a moan as the blond took him at his word and made another descent.

He moaned in protest when Fili pulled away and repositioned himself to lie between Kili’s legs. “I want to concentrate on you. I want to explore. I want to taste all of you.”

“Well, don’t let me stop you.” The words were colored by Kili’s smile. Wondering how he got so bloody lucky, Kili resigned himself to laying back and being the object of the most delicious experiment in bedroom history.

Severed and injured nerves are funny things. Kili’s injury was low where the spinal cord fans out into individual fibers. The trick was to find out which ones were still playing the game and concentrate on those. Fili’s right hand was moving, touching, squeezing, stroking, tickling. When he got no response he moved on but his mind was mapping those muscle twitches. The outer thigh was not reactive, but the inner, upward where the skin was like silk, that elicited a moan. Sliding lower, the Kiwi drew his tongue along the inside of Kili’s right thigh and followed the line of muscle up to his testicles. Not a lot of response on the top, but the bottom drew a sob and the Irishman’s fingers clenched and curled, digging into the sheets in response.

Fili explored the delicate sack with fingers and tongue. Again, sensation, but not strongly on the left with the right being more reactive. He thought about exploring further down but since he wasn’t invited to do so, he thought they’d save that for another time.

He moved back up to the shaft, gripping the base with his hand so that he could apply pressure and take care of what his mouth couldn’t reach. He kissed the head and reached down with his lips to pull Kili’s foreskin up, using it to help stimulate the crown. Usually getting it out of the way was the best idea, but now he wanted to find every sensitive nerve he could. It seemed to be working because there was a slight buck in Kili’s hips in response, especially when he concentrated on the tiny web of the frenulum just under the head.

 

 

 

“Fuck! Oh fuck…yeah…just there, like that.” Kili’s words were forced, his muscles tense with pleasure. He didn’t know what to do with his hands and ended up throwing them up over his head to clench at the pillow. His eyes were open but he was blind to everything except what his partner was doing down there between his legs.

Fili sucked on it hard, flicking with his tongue, and his partner made some sounds that might have been Gaelic or just guttural curses. Not that it mattered. Hearing them made the Kiwi smile inwardly. He bore down, taking as much of the shaft as he could, making sure that his tongue was riding the right side. He licked as much as he sucked, trying to provide as much stimulation as possible. Kili’s hand landed on his shoulder and slid up to his neck and then his head to wind in his short curls. There was no pressure, just encouragement. Joyfully he accepted it and worked that beautiful cock as skillfully as he could.

The Kiwi was fighting the sharp edge of his own orgasm. What he was doing and the response he was getting was erotic enough to nearly put him over without ever touching himself. He was so lost in the sensations that it took him a moment to realize that the moan beneath him wasn’t passion, but sorrow. He stopped dead trying to parse the sounds that had been sobs of pleasure but now had taken on a different tone.

“Kili, what’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” His voice was hoarse and he gulped air to quiet himself.

“I can’t…” Kili took a ragged breath that ended in a sob. “I--I…just can’t do this…”

“It’s okay.” Fili knew that sounded stupid but he was desperate to comfort his partner. He had no idea what to say, so he just moved up the bed and took Kili in his arms.

Kili pushed at him, his breathing ragged. “It’s not okay. It will never be okay.” He tried to roll away, but Fili held him tightly. “This was a stupid idea.”

He pushed harder, shoving himself out of Fili’s arms. “Call me a taxi. I need to get out of here!” His voice was choked with tears. He was angry and frustrated.

He started to sit up, but Fili wound a strong around his chest and gently pushed him back. “You said you trusted me to catch you. I’m not letting you go and I’m not giving up on you. I’m not going to let you give up either.” He pressed kisses into Kili’s hair. “We’ll find what works.”

“Why do you fucking even care?” The Irishman’s face was pressed into the pillow, but Fili could hear him and the words cut like a knife.

Fili paused and then took a breath. “I care because when I saw you it was like finding a part of me that I didn’t even know was missing. I’m sorry if that sounds sloppy or stupid. When you smiled at me I felt like I could breathe again. I…I don’t know how to describe it any better than that.”

He carded his fingers through the unruly hair pressing against his cheek. “This is just a bump in the road.” He slid his fingers down Kili’s cheek to cup his chin and pull him up for a kiss, but the Irishman pulled away and dove back into the pillow. “I thought you BMX blokes liked bumps in the road, don’t they let you get some wind?”

“Air,” Kili corrected automatically, his voice muffled. He giggled involuntarily. “Wind is a fart, mate.”

“Sorry,” the blond said reflexively. “I mean when you hit a bump on your bike do you stop?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? You’re sounding like you just let it lie there in the dirt.”

“Fuck no!” Louder this time.

“Then why are you lying here with your face in the pillow?”

“Because I’m a whiny arsehole.” Kili turned his face upward and took a long shuddering breath.

 Fili ran his fingers over the brunet’s cheek, his nails scraping the stubble. He wanted to pull him in for a kiss, but he waited quietly in the dark, letting his partner sort himself out.

There was a breath, a hitch and then a sob that was cut off abruptly. “I can do a back flip on a bike, but this scares me shitless.”

Fili’s thumb stroked his cheek in gentle circles. “That’s why I’m here. You don’t have to go it alone anymore. I’m here to catch you, remember?”

The Irishman turned his head and kissed Fili’s thumb. “You deserve better.”

“Oh for christsake, stop talking like a complete arse,” Fili snapped, his voice cutting into the dark. “It’s not what anyone deserves, it’s what just is. Did the car run over your balls when it hit you?”

“Fuck you!”

“Yes. Exactly. Please do. And stop fucking whining about it while you’re at it.”

Kili shoved hard, pushing Fili away. His breathing was ragged and for a moment the Kiwi, worried he’d gone too far, but when the Irishman wrenched himself sideways and claimed his lips in a savage kiss Fili responded by digging his fingers into Kili’s shoulders and meeting his lips head-on.

The kiss was all teeth and tongues, scruff and beard, scraping and nipping and licking. It was hot and hard and filthy. Kili’s tongue swiped over Fili’s lips and teeth, scouring his mouth and then retreated as the Kiwi’s tongue rose up to do the same in return. There was no talk, only muffled moans and sighs and the desperate sound of lungs trying to get enough air for another assault.

This time it was Kili’s hands all over, pressing and pulling at the sensitive tissue, twisting and tormenting sensitive nipples until their owner shuddered with pleasure. Skillful hands tested and found erotic spots, lingering, moving on and then returning to drive Fili’s lust even higher. He wished he could move as easily as in the past, but he settled for what he could do, forcing his body to comply and help him turn and explore.

Fili was silent and Kili paused, thinking for a moment he’d screwed up, but a sharp intake of breath showed that he had driven the Kiwi high enough so that he was having to fight to breathe. A kiss on his shoulder and a sharp nip showed the Irishman that he’d best not stop. His kisses moved lower and the body beneath him heaved as Fili repositioned himself to put his cock within reach. How considerate.

Taking the hint, Kili leaned down and simply took Fili deep in his throat, twisted a bit and turned on the suction. His tongue worked the shaft with a series of “clicks” and his right hand turned and pumped skillfully.

Fili threw back his head and cried out, his hips thrust upward once. Twice. And he came so hard he nearly blacked out.

Kili swallowed hard and sucked until he felt the Kiwi’s muscles relax in completion. He held on for the aftershocks and then reluctantly backed off as the sensation became too much. A tiny smile danced around the edge of his lips. He’d gotten a pretty good amount of air with that trick.

“Holy mother of god, where did you learn that?” Fili’s whisper floated across the bed like a benediction.

It was Kili’s turn to chuckle. “Just a little something I picked up at a rally.”

Fili groaned. “Rallies must be educational.”

“Oh,” said Kili lasciviously. “You have no idea…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks to Hal - hold_on_a_sex for keeping me honest about life on wheels. 
> 
> Folks you are missing out on two great stories if you haven't read her "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us." In Rio both Aidan and Dean are wheelchair athletes at the Paralympics. [**Romance in Rio**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1093396) In "We're Fighters" Dean has epilepsy and Aidan is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. [**We're Fighters, Every One of Us**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/988916)
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, kudos, or creative criticism you don't want to put in a comment, please email me at drakkhammer@gmail.com
> 
> My new blog is: [Drakkhammerwrites](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/%22%22)
> 
> Thank you very much for reading. I hope you enjoy the story and the marvelous art.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein things are evened out and Kili finds his joy and completion in the safety of Fili's arms. 
> 
>  
> 
> Note to my patient readers: The next chapter will be in two weeks instead of one due to real life getting in the way of writing time. I hope you will forgive me. 
> 
> I have also switched over to my new blog: [Drakkhammerwrites](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/%22%22)

 

Fili would have been happy to float contentedly on the bubble of orgasmic completion, but now the ball was back in his court. There was to be no drowsy refractory period. He had to do something and he had to do it fast, but nothing was springing to mind. The videos had not covered this. They had been superficial at best, leaving out important information as if they were too shy or too ashamed to go into the detail that lovers and partners needed.

The dark was a protective blanket, but it lay between them thick and heavy. Fili could feel that the tension had returned. He knew Kili was lying there wondering what would happen next. Fili had gotten off, so what next? A kiss goodnight and that was the end of it…and of them?

Fili lay still for a moment; his curls plastered his face with sweat, his mind racing as fast as a BMX. He had to do something and he had to do it quickly. He sucked in a great lungful of air and rolled over and turned on the bedside light. He quickly picked it up, set it down on the floor, and threw his T-shirt over it so that it would give only a muted glow to the room.

“No light,” Kili ordered pulling the blanket up. “Please turn it off.”

“I just want to see you,” Fili said gently.

“The scars?” The question was tiny…he’d heard stories…

“No you git, all of that gorgeous fur I’ve had to play with in the dark.” Fili chuckled softly. “I don’t give a shit about your scars.”

Fili reached out and gently cupped the Irishman’s face in his palm. “I think we both need the light. We need it to chase away the shadows.”

Kili shook his head. His eyes were huge and full of pain. The blankets continued upward. The Kiwi seized them before his partner could vanish beneath them.

“What’s wrong?” Not receiving an answer he closed his eyes for a moment in understanding. “You’re afraid I won’t like what I see?”

Still silent, Kili turned his head to the wall, his breath ragged and on the verge of tears.

“I have no way to tell you what I see when I look at you. I’ve already painted you in my mind a hundred times in a hundred different ways…all of them beautiful. I’m an artist. I know that perfection doesn’t exist in nature. We can create an illusion of it, but it’s transitory. Real beauty is made up of our flaws. It’s what makes each one of us unique.”

Kili snorted. “Easy for you to say. I’m the one with the scars.”

The blond sat up in bed and twisted so that he was facing Kili. “No, you’re the one who’s being a whiny brat. You forget I’ve seen your leg. If you want to recreate the scene out of <i>Jaws</i> I can match my scars to yours any day. When I was fifteen my cousin and I went spearfishing. He saw a fish, got excited and shot me in the belly. Then he got scared and yanked the spear out.”

Kili turned to look at him, eyes wide. Fili twisted so that his right side was in the light. “It’s not very pretty, is it? My ex hated looking at it. I’m just glad I’m alive. I died on the way to the hospital but they jump started me.”

Kili’s eyes had gotten even larger, if possible, as they lingered on the long thin scar and the circular pucker that spoiled the graceful line of Fili’s body. “Are you okay now?” He craned his neck to look at the scars and then switched back up to the Kiwi’s face.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It hurt like a bitch and I had a colostomy all summer, though. That wasn’t any fun, especially not for a teen who wants to go to the beach and hang with the blokes. The scars have faded a lot, but the damage was pretty severe so they sort of filleted me.” He looked at his belly ruefully.

Kili, leaned over and ran his hand down to rest it gently on the biggest scar. “It doesn’t look all that bad now.” His eyes crept up to meet Fili’s. “I don’t mind it.”

“So what makes you think that I’d mind yours?”

Kili looked at him for a long moment, his eyes shifting to the scars and then back to the blond’s face and then to his lips, those perfect pink lips. A smile quirked the corner of his lips. “Why don’t you stop talking and come over here and kiss me?”

Fili leaned over, the blue of his eyes darkening to cobalt. “Do you think I should?” The words were teasing, but still held a hint of reserve.

Kili nodded, all big eyes and soft with apology. He’d gone full puppy and was irresistible. Fili caved and leaned down to wind one arm around his shoulders and claim those very kissable lips.

When they came up for air, Fili raked that unruly mop of dark hair out of Kili’s eyes. “I’ll turn out the light if you want. I’m just being selfish because I want to see you.”

“It’s okay,” Kili replied, looking up into Fili’s impossibly blue eyes. “I have to stop hiding. Besides I want to see you, too. Has anyone told you how gorgeous you are?”

“No, not really, but feel free to continue,” he said as he tugged the blanket from Kili’s fingers and pulled it down until his chest was uncovered. Then leaning over, he slowly kissed his way to the closest nipple and paused to lave it with his tongue.

He pulled back just enough to get it in focus and looked at it with awe. “You really are beautiful, no artist could create such colors and blend them so perfectly.”

The Irishman felt a blush creep up from his neck. Riders don’t talk to each other like that. He’d been called “hot” and “sexy” and “fuckable” but no one had ever called him “beautiful.”

“Am I?” The question was soft and faded at the end.

“Are you what?” Fili lifted his head to look at him.

“What you said.”

“You are beautiful, Kili, and so much more.” He bent to capture the nipple between his lips and flicked it with his tongue. He smiled at the sudden intake of breath. “You make me wish I’d paid more attention in my poetry class.”

He slowly pulled the blanket down over Kili’s abdomen, following it with his lips. He explored that wonderful area where Kili’s body hair thinned to a line and then flared out like a pool around his navel. Hands and tongue skillfully applied soon had the Irishman’s blood pressure rising. He felt himself becoming erect, pushing at the blankets that covered his groin. He reached down to move them, but Fili’s hand stayed him.

“Not yet,” was all he said.

Kili slid his hand over and tangled strong fingers in Fili’s curls. He resisted the temptation to tug him downward to an erection that was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. He had to settle for gritting his teeth and watching. He’d never been much for being a spectator, always wanting to be the participant. He found being a spectator to his own seduction was making him crazy, but it was also very very hot indeed.

Just when he was sure he couldn’t stand it a minute longer if Fili didn’t get down to business, the blond looked up at him blue eyes shining nearly black in the dim light. His smile was wicked, dimples deep in shadow as he spoke.

“I want to make love to you. I need you to help me understand what turns you on and what will make you come. I need you to talk to me. Can you do that?”

Kili’s eyes widened. He talked during sex, but he didn’t thing that the swear words he usually used counted.

Fili pressed a small kiss into his abdomen and looked up, the corners of his mouth quivering with a repressed smile. “Since you chickened out on watching the video, we’re going to explore. Tell me what you want. We both have to learn.”

“Yeah. Sure. Jaysus, I don’t know how good I’m going to be at this.”

“Okay, grunt one for yes and two for no.” The smile flared showing white even teeth.

“Ok, you win. I’ll do it. I’ll do anything if you just don’t stop what you’re doing.

Fili already knew that oral sex wasn’t enough, but it was a great place to start. He kissed his way down to Kili’s balls, pausing to nuzzle at the fluff of pubic hair. He loved the feel of it against his nose and lips and the way it held his partner’s scent. Kili was a mix of pheromones with a soft musk scent along with something spicy, probably the soap he’d used. It was intoxicating, very much like the Irishman.

He explored Kili’s scrotum, finding the sensory input was again more on the right. Kili confirmed this by patting his shoulder and whispering for him to move just a bit. The sack was so soft, its delicate contents moving under his tongue and touch. A hiss of pleasure told him that gently sucking the right one was stimulating. He thought about exploring lower but thought that should wait for a better time with more preparation. He contented himself with the bounty spread before him.

Kili was up hard, the golden shaft capped by a delicate crown of golden pink. The foreskin had rolled back in invitation, giving ready access to the rough lick of the tongue that traveled up the shaft to stop at the frenulum. The gasp as his teeth gently teased the tiny pucker of skin told him that he’d found something the brunet liked. He traveled down the shaft with tiny nibbles that stimulated the working nerve endings.

“Damn, that feels good,” Kili groaned, forcing himself to say something. “More on the right. Yis, oh there!”

Fili had turned so that his tongue swept the right side from base to tip. It was like licking a long ice lolly. Kili wasn’t huge, wasn’t small. He was nicely in proportion to his build. It made giving him head so much easier and would make other things lovely as well. He swept his tongue back up to the crown and took it in his mouth, sucking gently. Once again he found the frenulum, teasing it with the tip of his tongue this time. Then he engulfed as much as he could in one fluid motion.

Kili nearly reared up in the bed. “Jaysus, where did you learn that?” He propped himself on his elbows and watched as the Kiwi worked on him skillfully. Fili was totally into it, eyes shut, face wearing a blissful expression.

“That,” the Irishman managed to whisper, “feels like candy tastes.” Fili chuckled, the vibration teasing Kili’s shaft.

When Fili came up he looked directly into Kili’s smoky eyes. He hadn’t realized that he was being watched and smiled, his dimples making him look impossibly sexy. He licked his lips and leaned forward and ran the tip of his tongue around the edge of Kili’s lips, seizing his bottom lip between sharp white teeth. He sucked, leaning forward to slip his tongue into the brunet’s mouth. Kili groaned and met the kiss head on, tongue swirling, one hand winding behind Fili’s head to hold him tightly.

Fili leaned forward, pressing Kili back against the pillow. He kissed and licked and sucked lips, and then neck and then back up for another intense kiss. While he was kissing the brunet, he twisted himself around straddling the brunet, carefully working his knee between Kili’s legs. He lowered himself slowly until their groins met, pressing both their erections upward, trapping them between their bellies.

He looked down into Kili’s eyes. “Is this a go? Can we try it this way?” His whisper was half lost in the eager kiss that met him, Kili swallowing his words and responding with a bit of an upward thrust. It was only a twitch, but it made Fili smile and press harder as he ground down with his hips. Kili’s breath sobbed and strong fingers dug into the body atop him to urge him onward.

“Yeah, this is good, I feel it more.” Fili thrust again. “Oh yeah, don’t stop. Harder!”

Fili raised enough to slide his hand between them so that he was clenching their members together, his fingers providing extra friction on Kili’s cock. When he was satisfied that this was a position that would work he thrust sharply, his reward being a deep moan from his partner. He bent forward, his lips finding the Irishman’s neck and working upward. Their kisses went from passionate to erotic to filthy with as much licking as kissing, trying to taste as much of each other as possible.

Fili was quiet, but Kili made the room echo with sighs, moans, sobs and curse words in English and Gaelic. He was brilliant. It was like pinning down a supernova. Once the Irishman let himself go the racer surfaced and every muscle that still worked was straining and clenching against Fili. He wanted more and more friction. After checking to make sure Kili’s hips could bear it, Fili took his weight on his elbows, back arched, his muscles bunching as he drove himself forward, sliding their cocks together between the tight ring of his fingers and against the fur of their bellies.

Just when Fili knew that he couldn’t hold on a moment longer against this level of stimulation, Kili cried out, his slender frame arching up hard as his orgasm tore through him. Fili thrust harder and then joined him, his semen spattering higher to blend with Kili’s.

They rode the crest as long as possible and then the aftershocks that came powerfully enough to make Fili cry out. When he was spent he felt as if every muscle had snapped like an old rubber band. He hadn’t realized how tense he’d been until it all released at once. He nearly collapsed, fighting to keep his weight off of Kili lest he hurt him. He felt himself pulled down and gave in, pressing down to rest sweat to sweat, skin to skin. Kili wrapped his arms around Fili and held him so tightly he had to fight for breath. He didn’t protest, he just rested his lips against the slick skin beneath him and smiled.

“Thank you.” The soft whisper hung in the air.

Fili leaned up and kissed him softly. “I think that’s my line.” Another kiss. “You are amazing.”

The Irishman ducked his head into the hollow between Fili’s neck and shoulder trying to hide his embarrassment. “I’m sorry I take so much to get off.”

“Hey, I’m not complaining. That felt pretty damn good to me too.” He shifted and pressed a kiss into Kili’s hair. “That was my first time topping, how did I do?”

“I’d say you get an A.” Kili’s hands slid down his back, slipping in the sweat that pooled there. “I feel like I half killed you.”

“Nope.” He smiled and nuzzled Kili’s hair, spitting an unruly lock out of his mouth. “I knew there was a reason I’ve been going to the gym. I’m doing fine…better’n fine. I’m in bed with a hot man I like very much and came my brains out—twice. The world is my oyster and you’re the pearl.”

“Aren’t you poetic,” Kili teased.

“Hey, I’m part Irish. I’m entitled.”

They cuddled for a few minutes longer and then reluctantly decided that neither had anything left. Fili carefully rolled off and went into the loo, returning with a warm wet cloth. He went back into the bathroom to let Kili clean himself up. When he returned he took the cloth and tossed it into the sink to be dealt with tomorrow, although technically it was already tomorrow and shaping up to be a damn fine day.

He turned off the light, slid into bed and found that Kili was waiting for him with arms outstretched. He slipped into the embrace and kissed his partner tenderly. “So what do you think?”

There was a muffled groan and then Kili said, “I think I’m a bloody idiot. My physiotherapist told me that I was worrying too much. I need to learn to listen to him. He’s a wise man.”

Fili nodded. “Yes, he is. “I was terrified of dating. I was so nervous when I asked you to dance. I’m glad I took the chance.” He kissed Kili on the shoulder and cuddled closer.

“We’ll have to talk more about what idiots we are, but can we do it in the morning?” the Irishman asked, stifling a yawn. “I’m about to pass out.”

“Yeah, morning,” Fili replied sleepily. “Whenever that is.”

 

* * *

When Kili finally pried his eyes open he was completely disoriented. He scrubbed his eyes and looked around, finally able to make enough brain cells fire to realize that he was at Fili’s. He looked over at the sleeping Kiwi who was burritoed into the blanket leaving only part of the sheet for Kili. No wonder he felt stiff and cold. If he was going to stay over he’d have to do something about the blanket thievery. He also had to pee like you wouldn’t believe.

He swung into his chair, wheeled to the bathroom and took care of business. When he came back into the bedroom Fili was still dead to the world, snoring softly and, well, drooling. Kili smiled. You know you like someone when you think them drooling on their pillow is adorable.

He went into the kitchen and looked for the coffeemaker. It was within reach but the coffee wasn’t. Oh well, so much for that. He peered into the fridge. It really was time for lunch, but frankly his stomach said that it was breakfast time, even if the clock did say 11:15. He pulled out eggs and cheese--well he thought it was cheese--and went looking for meat. All he found was a pack of hotdogs. Did they have hotdogs in New Zealand? He shrugged and supposed that the Kiwis had as much right to bad food as anyone else.

In search of better fare, he wheeled over and inspected the lower cabinets. Crap, nothing but cooking stuff and some unidentifiable things in boxes that hadn’t been unpacked yet. Hot dogs it was. Joy.

Kili located an onion that was still serviceable and then got out the utensils and pans. He diced some onions and threw them into the skillet to sauté. He cleaned up and then mixed up a bowl of scrambled eggs and poked the cheese. Determining it was old cheddar, he cut off the dried parts, sliced it thin and chucked it into the bowl with the eggs. He slit four of the hotdogs lengthwise and set them aside. Taking the onions off the burner, he looked for bread and spotted it at the back of the counter. A last trip to the fridge netted him a liter of orange juice. Using a long meat fork, he snagged the bread and hauled it to the front of the counter. He could reach the toaster, so having breakfast sorted he headed for the bedroom and his slumbering lover.

The Irishman stopped just short of the bed and sat there looking at Fili, who had kicked off the blankets and now looked more like the Barberini Faun. He was still sleeping so peacefully. Kili rolled closer. How had he gotten so lucky? He knew he’d been childish pushing Fili away and didn’t understand why he didn’t just give up and leave. Any of his former lovers would have gone long ago. Actually, they’d gone the moment they heard how badly he was injured. He hadn’t had a visit from a single one of them in the hospital or rehab. If not for his family he would have been totally alone.

 

 

Fili heaved a sign and stirred a little. Kili rolled closer to the bed. Leaning over, he drew tiny circles on Fili’s shoulder with the tip of his finger. After a moment sleepy blue eyes opened and struggled to focus, then perfect lips curved into a smile.

“Are you up already?” he asked, his voice not quite working yet.

‘Yes, and you should be too, it’s going for noon.” Kili smiled back. “Get up, I’m starting breakfast and you don’t want to miss it.”

“I’d like it better if you came back to bed for awhile.” There was a small note of pleading in his voice and a questing hand reached out to him.

“Not a chance. I’m starving. Now shake your gorgeous but lazy arse out of bed and come and eat.” Not waiting for a discussion, Kili spun his chair and whipped out of the bedroom. He could hear Fili groan as he rounded the corner. He chuckled and headed for the stove.

By the time the Kiwi wandered into the kitchen the scrambled eggs were nearly done in a passible omelet and the hotdogs were browned on both sides. Kili slid the bread down into the toaster and smiled at Fili who was looking around the kitchen hopefully.

“You’re gonna have to drink the oj from the bottle and if you want coffee, you’ll have to make it yourself. From now on you might want to store it in a lower cabinet. Either that or get up before I do.” He stopped for a moment, thinking that he was making assumptions that he would be staying often enough to need it moved. Before he could think further, Fili reached into the upper cabinet, grabbed the coffee tin and shoved it into a lower cabinet, then grabbed cups and also moved them lower.

He set a couple of tumblers on the table and looked at Kili with a sad little smile. “That just shows you what a bloody idiot I am. I’ve thought about how to make this place more accessible, but moving things down so you could reach them never occurred to me. I was too busy thinking about the damn bathroom.”

The Irishman laughed, his dark eyes sparkling. “Well, that is pretty important, but I got it sorted.” He paused and became more serious. “Thanks for…well…just thanks.”

“When you have someone amazing in your life, you think of things. Lots of things…” Fili came over to him and was about to elaborate. Impulsively Kili leaned over and pulled him into a big hug, his arms strong against the Kiwi’s waist and back. Fili just held him gently, his heart feeling full to bursting. He didn’t know how to say that he thought about Kili a lot. He was afraid it would sound too needy. Last night had been amazing, but he wasn’t sure how to handle the morning.

He kissed the top of Kili’s head, ruffling his unruly locks and grinned stupidly. “You were amazing…are amazing. I feel like I fell through the rabbit hole. I can’t remember if I chose the red pill or the blue one, but I like where it’s taken me.”

Kili laughed. “I think I took the same one, mate, so we’re good to go.” He released the Kiwi and whipped back around to the stove. “We have to eat, ‘cause cold fried hotdogs are manky.”

He deftly cut the omelet in half and put two hotdogs on the plate. Spinning around, he set it on the table and then deftly added the two hot slices of toast. “Your breakfast. I hope you like it because the chef’s not likely to give refunds.”

The blond looked at his plate. The fried hotdogs looked eatable and the omelet, although a bit battered from handling, was browned and smelled delicious. He grabbed the toast when it popped up, juggled it onto the table and sat down. Pouring the juice, he handed a glass to Kili. He took a long drink of his and then dug into his breakfast. Fried hotdogs were surprisingly good.

The silence between them became uncomfortable. Fili finally put his fork down and looked at Kili. “Thank you for last night.”

The Irishman looked up at him, cheek pouched out like a chipmunk with his last too-large bite of omelet. He had that deer-in-the-headlights expression Fili had learned to associate with unwelcome discussions. Suddenly he could feel himself color, the heat of his blush making his cheeks tingle.

Kili swallowed hard and poked his hotdog. He took a breath and looked up. The blond was sitting perfectly still looking as if he expected the worst. Kili smiled, his lips curling too stiffly. “I’m bein’ an arse. Last night was…was…amazing.” He ducked his head. “I’m feeling like I’m sixteen and it was my first time. I don’t know what’s fucking wrong with me.” He defaulted back to staring at his plate.

Fili picked his chair up and moved it to sit next to Kili. He slid his arm around the slender shoulder and squeezed gently. “I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels like that.” When the Irishman looked at him, he smiled slightly and shrugged. “It was everything a first time should be. Scary, trying to find what works and then, yeah, amazing.”

Kissing Kili on the forehead he said, “It’s hard to talk about it, though, isn’t it?’

The brunet nodded. “It’s not something I ever talked about. I just did it.” He fooled around with his piece of toast and finally shoved it into his mouth. If he was chewing, he didn’t have to talk.

Fili, leaned over and rested his forehead against Kili’s ear, blowing gently to get straggling hairs out of his eyes. “Have I told you I love your hair?”

The Irishman snorted derisively, and Fili continued. “It’s true. It’s softer than it looks and I like the way it frames your face. I can’t imagine you with short hair.” His smile colored his words. “I like the way I can twist my fingers in it.”

“You mean to hold on,” Kili teased.

Fili felt the blush heat his cheeks. “Yeah. It kept me from hitting the ceiling last night.”

Kili twisted and pressed a breakfasty kiss against his lips. “I love your curls, kinda for the same reason, but mostly because I think they make you look sexy as fuck.”

“Me?”

“Yup. Lip braids and curls. You do me, you know that?”

“I do?”

“Stop sounding so surprised. Here I was an innocent young lad and you lured me to your loft on the pretext of showing me etchings that you don’t have. I was mesmerized by your amazingly blue eyes and you had your way with me. Don’t deny it.”

He grinned wickedly and Fili pulled him in for a kiss. “You’re evil, but I like it.”

The brunet leaned into him and heaved a little sigh. The finished breakfast shoulder to shoulder with them laughing as Kili tried to feed Fili the last bite of his hotdog and completely missed the Kiwi’s mouth.

“Well, my dimple will never be hungry again,” Fili said lightly as he mopped up the smear. He’d found that olive complected people blush a lovely rose and had kissed away Kili’s embarrassment.

“Annnd, so much for me being Mr. Cool,” Kili muttered. For fucksake, could he be any more idiotic?

“I think you’re very cool,” Fili replied leaning over to kiss him lightly. “I think you’d be even cooler in my bed.”

Kili sat upright, his shoulders stiffening. “Did I say something wrong?” Fili asked quickly.

“Naw, it’s not you. It’s me. I gotta go home and…take care of things.” He’d gone from feeling confident back to being isolated again.

“What?” Fili was confused. “What things? Can you do them later?”

“No. I wish I could, but I can’t. Gotta do them at home and alone.” He shrugged. “Some things are just private.”

“Ah, private, alone things,” Fili replied, keeping his voice light. “Gotcha. After you do these ‘private alone things’ can you come back?” He paused. “Or can I come over there?”

The smile returned to Kili’s face. “Can I come back here? Your bed is a shit-ton more comfortable than mine?”

“I’ll drop you off and when you’re ready to come back just give me a call and I’ll be there.” He laughed and slid his arms around Kili. “Just like in the old song.”

 

* * *

 

Kili was still grinning as he lay in bed waiting for the damn suppository to work. The nosy old woman who lived in one of the front apartments had seen Fili kissing him goodbye. He’d always loved making prejudiced people a bit uncomfortable even though he knew he shouldn’t. Mum thought he should try to win them over, but he’d found most didn’t have any interest in changing their minds.

He had turned his phone off and knew he was in for an earful from whoever had tried to reach him. But damned if he wanted the thing to go off when there was any possibility of sexytimes.

Ori had called and so had his mother. Mum was just doing her usual check-in and wished him a good weekend. Ori had left ten, no…eleven messages. Each one worse than the last. He knew very well why the phone was off and took the opportunity to harass the shit out of his bro. One message in the middle was from Dwalin telling him to ignore the nosy idiot who kept calling him. It ended with laughter and he was pretty sure that Ori had done something obscene to his cousin, leaving him unable to finish the message.

He pressed the call for Ori and it was answered almost immediately.

“How was it? How was he? Is he hung like a horse? He is as sexy as he looks?” There wasn’t a breath in there that he could tell.

“Great. Great. No, thank god. Yes.” Kili fired off as quickly and then waited.

“So you did the deed.”

“Yup.”

“And…?”

“It’s none of your business.”

The scream on the other end could have been heard in Belfast.

Kili had to cut their conversation short when it was time to go to the loo. He loathed having to do this every other day, but there was no help for it. The nerves that allowed smooth evacuation had been damaged. He was lucky that they still worked more or less, even if it was somewhat reluctantly. And it was one of those things that he didn’t want Fili to know anything about.

When he was done in the loo, he finished stripping and rolled into the shower. He was feeling a little crusty. It was annoying that the best bed was across town from his only accessible shower. He hauled his arse onto the bench and hummed “Drowsy Maggie” as he washed away the residue of the night’s entertainment.

He dried, dressed and was starting to pack some clothes into the pouch on the back of his chair when the phone rang.

“So, you are too busy to return phone calls?” There was amusement in the voice, but a touch of rebuke as well.

“I’m sorry, I was busy,” Kili mumbled.

“As in busy with your new boyfriend?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” he replied defensively.

Dis chuckled. “You are seeing him and staying overnight. In my day they’d call that being a boyfriend.”

“It’s not that serious.” He was feeling distinctly uncomfortable with this conversation.

“Whatever it is, you’re both invited to dinner tomorrow at Thorin’s. Bilbo has picked out a nice roast.”

Kili felt his throat constrict. “I don’t…uh…I’d better ask Fili first.”

“It will be fine. Thorin promises to be on best behavior and Bilbo is already baking. So just try to be on time.” Dis didn’t give her son a chance to interrupt. “You know how he gets when people are late and food over-cooks.”

Kili found himself sitting there listening to the dial tone. “She hung on me,” he said to the phone as if it cared. “She bloody hung up on me…”

It took him a few minutes to get himself together. He had no idea how he was going to break this news to the Kiwi. His mother was a force of nature and you didn’t argue with her. She’d raised him alone, refusing to marry his father even though her parents and priest had pressured her to do so. She felt she was better raising her son alone than with a man she’d found she didn’t love. She’d been quite honest with him about that and he loved her all the more for it.

If Bilbo was already baking then they had to go; there was nothing else for it. Thorin would stare down at Fili from his height and imply that the Kiwi had better remain on his best behavior. Bilbo would rein his husband in with a look and then proceed to fuss over Fili, insisting he take seconds and packing up half the leftovers so that the blond wouldn’t starve on the drive home. Dis would be warm and welcoming even though she had doubts about the lifestyle, if not about Fili.

At the thought of Dis he tensed a little. He’d never brought home a boyfriend before. And technically Fili wasn’t even his boyfriend yet. “Hi mum, meet my latest hookup.” Yeah, that would go over big.

There was only one thing for it–call Ori.

He hit the button to call his best friend and was almost immediately kicked to voice mail. Grinning, he waited for the beep. There was only one reason Ori didn’t answer his phone.

“Shagging on a Saturday afternoon, what a couple of horndogs. My news is that my dick works and that Fili and I are having dinner with the family tomorrow. If you’re smart you’ll wrangle an invitation and come and watch the fun. Ta.”

Laughing he disconnected. He’d pay good money to see the look on their faces at the message. He knew that Dwalin would be badgered until he called Bilbo and pleaded hunger. Knowing they would undoubtedly be there lightened his mood considerably.

Kili went into the bedroom and hauled a couple of T-shirts and his best boxer short (meaning they had no holes) to stuff into the pack on the back of his chair. He wouldn’t have to truly worry about dinner for twenty-four hours and he’d always been a fan of procrastination. He packed his meds and tried to think of anything else. Ah yes…he wheeled into the loo and returned with his toothbrush. Grinning, he selected Fili’s number from his contacts list and pressed Dial.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things have to be broken in order to heal. Life is so often unfair, but things have a way of working out if you give them time. You have to believe--in yourself and in others. Most of all...you have to believe in love.

 

Fili drove carefully, but the Irishman noticed that he was coming as close to speeding as possible. He thought about teasing him, but decided against it. He had to admit that he was mad eager too. Twenty-four hours ago he’d been so nervous he couldn’t work up any spit and now he just wanted to haul into bed next to that gorgeous blond and shag him into next week. Things were definitely looking up.

Instead of going to Fili’s warehouse, they pulled to a stop in the parking lot of a Moroccan restaurant. Dada’s was famous for their atmosphere as much as for their cuisine. Fili parked, got out and chivalrously opened the door for Kili to be able to swing his chair out and assemble it. Although he’d seen it a number of times now he was always fascinated by the ease with which Kili attached the wheels and then slid his long body into the seat.

The hostess smiled warmly at them and led them to a small table at the rear that was nearly obscured by large potted plants. The extra chair magically vanished and Kili expertly parked himself in the space feeling as if he’d entered into a secret rendezvous.

Kili looked at the menu and realized he didn’t know a thing on it. It was in English but what in the world was _tagine_ and the salads didn’t bear the slightest resemblance to anything he was used to eating. He looked over at Fili with an expression that waved the white flag of surrender.

“I take it you’ve never eaten Moroccan?”

Kili shook his head. “I’m not that adventurous usually. I try to eat healthy at home and out it’s usually Irish pub grub.”

The blond laughed. “Do you trust me to order for both of us?”

Kili looked at the offerings only recognizing a word here and there. “Yeah, sure. That would be brilliant.”

Fili smoothly ordered when the waitress returned. Their appetizers arrived in short order and Kili sat looking at the little squares of phyllo dough with some trepidation.    

“It’s pastela and it’s stuffed with quail, chicken, almonds, saffron and cinnamon. I think you’ll like it.” He reached over and placed a delicious-looking kebab on the edge of the brunet’s plate. “Dip it in the yogurt and try it. It’s spiced lamb and quite good.”

Kili bit into one of the pastela and his expression went from doubt to pleasure. “This is good!” He put one on Fili’s plate. “You gotta try it.”

“I already have. They are amazing, aren’t they? Moroccan cooking uses the most wonderful variety of spices.” He smiled to see Kili happily dunking his kebab into the yogurt dip and heaving a happy sigh as the taste of lamb and spices floated across his tongue.

The main courses came and Kili looked like a kid in a candy shop. Fili requested small plates for them and put both entrees in the center of the table so they could share. The Kiwi had ordered the braised chicken supreme with preserved lemon, Moorish olives, saffron sauce and potatoes, and baked monk fish with saffron, walnuts, dates and caramelized onions, which was a 12th century Moorish recipe according to the menu. The drinks were iced Moroccan tea with fresh mint that smelled as good as they looked.

Conversation ground to a halt as the pair busied themselves with eating. Neither felt the need to chat when there was such an array of food in front of them. The Irishman proved to be an adventurous eater, but then anyone who could eat coddle with white sausages and pig’s trotters shouldn’t balk at eating Moroccan food.

It was only when a dessert of tiny Moroccan pastries arrived that the two slowed down enough to talk.

“You never talk about your ex,” Kili said with typical candor just before he popped an entire fig confection into his mouth.

“Please don’t spoil the meal,” Fili replied, making a sour face.

Shoving the pastry into his cheek, Kili looked like a large child, all big eyes, sticky lips and enthusiasm. “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.”

“Huh?”

“I’ll tell you about my exes if you’ll tell me about yours.” Another pastry disappeared.

“I’d rather know about your family,” Fili said evenly.

“Family?” Kili nearly choked on his pastry.

“Yeah, you know, the modern version of the ones in the cemetery.”

Kili smiled, but it wasn’t particularly successful. “Oh yeah...about that...we are...uh...going to dinner with them tomorrow.”

“We are?” Fili’s eyebrow quirked and his lips twitched wanting to smile. Kili’s nervousness was amusing.

“My mum called and it’s all set. She and my uncles Thorin and Bilbo aren’t people you can just say no to.” He smiled ruefully and added quickly, “Dwalin and Ori will be there.”

“Okay, I guess I’ll survive,” Fili said, letting his smile reach his eyes. “Is there anything I should know about them?”

“Tons,” Kili admitted. “They are why I never took anyone home.”

“You mean I will be the first boyfriend you’ve ever introduced to your family?” Suddenly this was feeling a little less like a walk in the park.

Kili dug his fingers into his hair, dragging it from unruly to electric. “I never really had a boyfriend before, just hookups. I don’t even know if you qualify as a boyfriend.”

“Well, thanks for that,” Fili said evenly. “Am I at least more than a hookup?”

“Oh yeah. Yeah, tons more.” He went back to abusing his hair. “I’m not so good at the relationship thing as in I’ve never had one.” There was a long awkward pause. “Am I in a relationship?”

He looked so nervous that Fili let him off the hook. “Not yet. We’re working toward it. We’re dating. No commitments. Just dating.”

“Oh good. I like that. Dating. Yeah, that’s fine.” Another pastry met an untimely end and he finished off his tea. “You should know that my uncle Thorin is big into security. He runs the largest corporate security company in the county.”

Fili was about to say something neutral but complimentary when Kili looked up and continued. “He’ll know everything about you. If he can’t find it, it can’t be found. He probably knows we’re here right now and what we ate.”

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that,” Fili said seriously.

“Pretty much nobody is,” Kili replied. “It’s honestly not as bad as it sounds. I’m probably exaggerating about him knowing we’re here. If he didn’t think I was safe with you, he would have...uh...discouraged you before we ever had a chance to go out.”

“Has he checked out all your hookups?”

Kili shook his head. “Probably, or maybe. I don’t know. Well, not that I know of anyway. No one I ever liked suddenly vanished.” He stopped babbling, saw the look on Fili’s face and quickly amended his statement. “No, I mean they never stopped seeing me. Thorin isn’t the type to go about eliminating people.”

“Well, that’s a relief.” Fili wasn’t too sure how he felt about the idea of being checked out and possibly spied on by this unknown person.

“He’s encouraged me to go out and meet someone, date and all, so it’s not like he has a problem with that. It’s just that he’s, uh...protective of me.”

Fili sipped his tea and nodded. “I can see why, he almost lost you.”

Back to the hair torture. “Yeah, I was a real arse when I was a kid. I got in with a bad crowd.”

“Well, now you have my curiosity piqued, so out with it.” The table was suddenly fascinating. He couldn’t meet Fili’s eyes and he kept twisting his hair until it hurt. “A really bad crowd. We were right little chavs, stealing and destroying what we didn’t take.”

The blond frowned. “Why would you do that? And stop pulling your hair its getting on my nerves.”

Kili looked up startled, and moved his hand away taking a number of long dark strands with it.

“Bored. Stupid. Mean. Take your pick. I never thought about why. My mates were doing it, so I did it too.” He glanced up quickly at Fili and then back at the table. “Only I didn’t know my mates were stealing for someone who was a lot meaner than we were. My mum got wind of what I was doing and the shite hit the fan as they say. Thorin came down on me and when he’s mad he is one scary motherfucker.”

Fili chuckled and Kili gave him a wry little smile. “I thought my skinny Irish was toast. I don’t ever want to see him that pissed off again. Any way the older chav didn’t want to see me leave his band of merry men and made some threats.”

What did Thorin do?” This story was getting interesting.

Kili shrugged, looking slightly embarrassed. “What any good security man does, I guess. He brought in someone bigger and badder. That’s when Dwalin came down from Glasgow.”

“He looks like he could intimidate someone,” Fili admitted.

“You have no idea. In those days he rode with the Blue Angels.” He looked up and saw that Fili didn’t recognize the name. “They are the Scottish equivalent of Hell’s Angels. Not someone you want to fuck with. Dwalin came down with some of his friends and they took care of the threat.”

“They kill him?” Fili was trying not to judge, but he was feeling as if he might have stepped in something here.

“Nah. He probably wished he was dead for awhile though. They just had a “counseling session” as Dwalin put it. But the chav turned out to have some connections to arseholes that didn’t take kindly to a “Weegie” mixing in their business so there was a bit of a brawl about the whole affair and a lot of hard feelings after.”

“Weegie?” “Glaswegian. You know, a bloke from Glasgow,” Kili added. “Dwalin hung around for a while until things calmed down. He decided to stay and then met Ori. Now you couldn’t shift him with a backhoe.”

“So Dwalin is an ex-outlaw biker.” He took Kili’s hand. “Is there anything else you’d like to share?”

Kili grinned. “Only something I think you’ll like. Thorin and Bilbo are a couple. When Ireland finally joins the 21st Century and legalizes it, they’ll be getting married.”

“Bilbo? What was he, a hit man?”

The grin turned into an easy laugh. “Hardly, although his Baileys Irish Cream cheesecake would kill your average diabetic.”

“It seems I’m in for an interesting evening tomorrow.” Fili hoped that his apprehension wasn’t too obvious. “I guess I should be on my best behavior.”

“Yeah,” Kili teased. “Don’t ravish me on the table between courses, Bilbo would think you are rude.”

“Why Bilbo?”

“He’s British, so manners are important.”

Fili shook his head. “I will attempt to remember mine. I think I can refrain from having my way with you on the table. I wouldn’t want to delay dessert.”

Unmindful of their surroundings, Kili leaned over and kissed him. “You are gonna be a hit.”

“God, I hope so,” Fili whispered, half to himself and half a prayer.

 

* * * *

The lift rattled its way up to Fili’s floor and Kili rolled into the middle of the living room, tipped up and did a wheelie, just hanging the chair in the air, balancing it perfectly, then spinning it slowly in circles. The Kiwi stopped to watch him, a smile of appreciation deepening his dimples. Kili’s dark eyes were sparkling; his smile was wide, slipping occasionally, as he had to correct his balance. It wasn’t a BMX, but it was a start.

When he dropped the front wheels to the floor, Fili came up behind him and Kili stretched upward to embrace him. Fili bent forward to rest his hands on the Irishman’s shoulders, steadying himself for a slow backward kiss. It was awkward and silly and Fili’s beads got in the way, but they had no inclination to stop.

Finally the Kiwi backed up across the room, pulling Kili with him. He sat on the little sofa with his legs spread and Kili spun the chair and tipped it forward until his upper half was almost horizontal. He stabilized himself by holding Fili and they both leaned into the kiss, tongues exploring, as they sought the best position. It was not as awkward as the upside down kiss, but it came close. It was entrancing; both of them lost enough in it not to notice the contortions.

When they came up for air Kili grinned. “We have to snog in the loo, love. It’s the only room left.”

“Kinky,” Fili replied, his eyes twinkling. “Is there anything else I should know about you?”

“Nothing more I want to share right now.” He said teasingly. “How about we take this into the bedroom before I do a face-plant in your lap?”

“Promises, promises.”

Fili stood up and stretched. “Why don’t you stop by the loo for a minute? I have something to take care of.

Kili did a quick wash and brushup, took care of business and then easily transferred back to his chair. He toyed with leaving his shorts off but decided that would be crude. Some things are best taken slowly.

He rolled into the bedroom and stopped in shock and delight. There were big candles everywhere. Fili had some sort of magic stick thingy to light them and they exuded a faint vanilla scent. The lights were dimmed and the shadows from the candles danced on the wall. _This_ , he said to himself, _is going to be fucking awesome._

He watched Fili light the last few candles. “Did you hit a sale at Tesco’s?”

“Something like that,” Fili replied with a wink. “I wanted to set a mood. I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“Hell no, this is brilliant. Just don’t burn the place down.”

When the Kiwi came around the corner of the bed the Irishman held his hand out. “Come here and sit down.”

Fili did as he was bade and looked inquisitively at Kili. There was a devilish twinkle in those dark Irish eyes promising all kinds of delicious sin. But first…clothes. He leaned forward and tugged at the hem of the blond’s T-shirt, pulling it up over his chest. Fili started to help, but was stopped.

“Uh-uh, I want to explore.” The words were soft, but there was strength in the long fingers that cruised up over Fili’s ribs and toyed with the tight curls of his chest hair. It was sandy, a different shade than the golden curls on his head and the consistency was almost that of pubic hair. Kili liked it.

“Nice,” he murmured, hooking his fingernail in one tight curl and pulling it open only to watch it spring back. “I think I could spend a lot of time doing this.”

The blond laughed. “My chest hair is unnaturally curly for a white boy.”

Kili leaned between his spread legs and nuzzled it. “I like it. It’s unique, like you. I like that you don’t look like anybody else.”

Fili shook his head. “I guess you could say I’ve got that covered.” He was about to say something else when Kili’s lips edged along the top of his midline scar. His breath caught and he held it. In the eight years he’d been with Daniel he couldn’t remember his scars ever having been touched, let alone kissed.

Kili pressed his lips against the raised line of the scar and felt his partner’s breath hitch. He looked up out of the corner of his eye and saw that Fili was watching him, an unreadable expression on his face. A wave of sadness washed over the Irishman and with it a need to kiss away the pain reflected in those beautiful blue eyes.

“Let’s get undressed,” he whispered.

“I think that’s a great idea.” He leaned forward, sliding his hands along Kili’s biceps and then down to grasp his shirt. It made it up and off in one fluid motion to join the T-shirt on the floor. Fili stood up and Kili reached for the fastening to his jeans, hands fumbling a little with an attack of nerves. He steadied and slipped the button through the hole and then slowly pulled the zipper down.

Their eyes were locked as the Irishman inched the zipper downward. He felt Fili’s cock twitch in response to his knuckles brushing against it. He wanted to look, but even more he wanted the Kiwi to see how much he was desired. He caught his thumbs in the waistband and tugged, dragging the soft denim downward, free of Fili’s slender hips. He released and they pooled around his lower legs hobbling him to the spot. He couldn’t have fled if he’d wanted to and he very much did not want to do anything except to be right here with his gorgeous lover.

 

 

 Kili was eye level with the worst of Fili’s scars, the large irregular circle with the whitish corrugated tissue of the healed stoma. It was an ugly souvenir of his near-death experience. The brunet looked at it, wincing internally that such a flaw could mar the perfection of the Kiwi’s slender body, wincing visibly that the accident could have taken his life.

“Ugly, isn’t it?” Fili observed, seeing the darkening of Kili’s expression.

Kili shook his head and leaned forward to press a tender kiss in the center of it. “The ugly part is that it almost killed you and if it had I would not be here with you now.”

Fili blinked, willing himself not to give in to the mist that was growing in his eyes. He dug his fingers into Kili’s soft hair and pressed against him. Kili wound his long arms around the blond’s back, content just to be with him. They stood silent for a long moment, just holding each other, dealing with how their lives could have gone if the stars had been aligned just a little differently.

He sat up and pulled Fili to him, sliding his arms under his shoulders and hugging him tight. “We need to get into bed, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he agreed. He almost reached out for Kili as he rolled the chair backwards to make some room. Kicking out of his jeans, Fili slid his briefs down and sat cross-legged on the bed. He turned to look at the Irishman. “Is it okay if I watch?” He didn’t want to intrude.

Kili looked up surprised that he’d want to. “Sure, I guess. It’s not any big deal.”

Kili boosted himself with first one hand and then the other, pulling his pants down under his rump. He rolled next to the bed, put one hand on the mattress and with a heave hauled himself out of the chair to sit on the edge of the bed. He grabbed first one leg and then the other and slung them on the bed. Scooting around, he pulled his legs up one at a time and removed his shoes and socks and then started to slide his pants down.

Fili shifted so that he was sitting facing Kili. He put out a hand and rested it on the Irishman’s wrist. “May I?”

Brown eyes darkened into a frown. “I don’t need help undressing.”

The blond slid his fingertips over the back of Kili’s hand and on to his thigh. “I know you don’t _need_ help. I thought you might _enjoy_ some help.” He smiled shyly. “I’m sort of winging it here, if you don’t want me to undress you then I won’t, but I’d very much like to.” He held still, waiting for a response.

Never since he’d gotten a good look at his legs did Kili ever entertain the idea of someone wanting to undress him. Now reflected in clear blue eyes was everything he thought he’d lost. He could see the tension in Fili’s muscles and the worry in his expression. Relenting, he reached down and took the Kiwi’s hand.

“I guess I’d really like it, but my legs aren’t very attractive.” His voice was scarcely more than a whisper.

Fili smiled and bent to lay a tender kiss on Kili’s forehead. “Candlelight is very forgiving.”

He ran his hand down Kili’s thigh and then shifted position so that he was kneeling. Gently he slid the pants and the boxer-briefs downward. Muscle tremors rippled under his fingers, partly tension and partly a reaction to his touch. Putting his palms on Kili’s thighs he could feel which muscles were not enervated; it was an odd sensation and he could only imagine what it would be like to have your body only partially respond to your will. Life could be so fucking unfair sometimes.

Fili shifted and pulled the pants the rest of the way down, wincing internally at the twisted scars on Kili’s legs. The right leg was missing a long strip of muscle giving it a long white indentation that looked as if it went to the bone. Other scars showed where the halo that stabilized his shattered leg had dug into his flesh.

He looked up at Kili and saw that he was staring into the hallway, avoiding looking at Fili’s reaction. Feeling a wave of sadness well up that almost overpowered him he bent and kissed Kili’s knee and then moved upward to press kisses against the Irishman’s chest, working his way up to his partner’s lips. The brunet reached down and pulled Fili to him, falling backward on the mattress so that the Kiwi sprawled on top, holding himself up with one hand while the other tangled deep in dark locks, pulling them together in a long breathless kiss.

When the kiss broke, Fili moved again and grabbed the bed remote. He raised the head of the bed and motioned for Kili. “Come sit between my legs, I want to explore you.”

That was an offer too good to resist, so the Irishman pulled himself over, reached down to adjust his legs and then leaned back. “I’ve never done anything like this before,” he said, trying to be flippant.

Fili pressed a kiss where neck and shoulder met. “You will tell me if you want me to stop.”

A long slow sigh escaped from beneath the kiss. “I’d give it a million years or so.”

Another kiss. “They we’re good to go, but just to warn you I can only go a millennium before I have to pee.”

Fili slid his hands slowly downward from the Irishman’s shoulders to his biceps and then down to tease the sensitive skin at the bend of his elbow and on down to his wrist, pausing so that he could feel the strong pulse that beat beneath golden skin. He wanted to explore every inch of this amazing man, but just as much he wanted Kili to take the focus off of erections and performance and shift it to the experience. Not only did the videos advise this, it sounded like a perfectly brilliant idea.

The Irishman leaned back against Fili, allowing himself to be supported. He felt the warmth of the body behind him, the crisp texture of chest hair and the warmth in the V of Fili’s groin. Kili took a long shuddering breath and let it roll out willing himself to slow down. He didn’t know how to do this sort of thing and he could feel anxiety nipping like tiny mice at the back of his mind. He knew how to screw his partner into the mattress, but he didn’t know how to relax and make love to him.

Fili leaned foreword and pressed tender kisses into the tight ridge of his trapezius. He was so tense the muscles were almost knotted. Gentle hands slid back to his shoulders and began to massage, loosening the tight muscles.

Kili leaned into Fili’s hands with a soft moan. “Where did you learn that?”

“I’m a man of many talents,” Fili replied.

“Did you learn it from your ex?”

The Kiwi’s hands froze. Kili rolled first one shoulder and then the other. “You mentioned him once, but never talk about him. You’re alternately pushy as fuck and closed off.”

“I don’t think this is the time to go into my past.” Fili’s voice was as tight as Kili’s shoulder muscles.

The Irishman twisted as much as he was able to bring his partner into his line of sight. “No, it’s probably not. But I’m scared that I’ll say or do something that will remind you of him and fuck things up.”

Fili slid his arms around Kili and drew him close. “You’re nothing like him. Nothing you do could ever remind me of him. We’ll talk, I promise. But not right now. Tonight is ours with no past coming between us.”

Kili nodded. He felt a thrill of relief. He was treading on unfamiliar territory and he didn’t want to spoil this. Fili started massaging his shoulders again and he just let the worries go and let himself concentrate on the strong fingers working his tight muscles. He tension drained away, letting him relax. It was like a dream with the light of the candles, the soft scent of vanilla surrounding him in a big luxurious bed occupied by a man whose only goal was to make love to him.

When he felt Kili relax, Fili picked up the remote and snapped the television on. He’d adjusted the volume earlier, but the sudden light and sound made Kili jerk in response. He turned questioning, but was greeted only with, “Just watch.”

The video started with a young man who was fully clothed, on his bed sat his fully clothed wife. He proceeded to plainly describe how to have sex with demonstrations of positions. It was quite chaste, but his matter-of-face explanations and lack of embarrassment about his body along with his partner’s acceptance of him made it very sweet to watch.

Kili watched intently as he showed how to position himself so that he could be on top. He was using his upper body to create thrusts. This was very interesting and the brunet shifted slightly as he leaned forward, watching intently. Even though it wasn’t gay sex, there were things in common and the Irishman began to see possibilities.

Fili smiled and held perfectly still, letting his partner lose himself in the video. When it was over he slid his arms down over Kili’s shoulders and drew him in gently. “There are ways. There are always ways.”

Kili nodded and was about to say something when the next video started. It was a nude couple, man and woman, sitting in the same position they were in. The woman’s legs were withered and it was obvious that she was very disabled. Kili winced as he looked at her body, with the scar down her midline and the ugliness of her useless legs. He wanted to ask Fili to skip to the next video, but felt he had to man-up and watch it.

The man and woman shared narration. She explained that she had sensation in her legs even though they were paralyzed. He was saying that when they met she had avoided anything to do with her legs to the point that she did not realize that her entire body was an erogenous zone and had to learn to let him touch her everywhere and to enjoy it. He explained that, while her legs were not traditionally beautiful, they were a part of her and since he loved her, he loved her legs.

The remainder of the video demonstrated how by slow, sensual massage he helped her to become comfortable with her body. She showed that by allowing herself to accept her body and her disability she felt heightened pleasure, which allowed her not only to enjoy sex, but to become a better lover to her husband. She showed how she could return the massage, moving and positioning herself so that she had full access to his body.

By the time the video ended, Kili was hard as a rock and felt he’d watched the best porn movie ever made, even though it was a straight couple who did nothing but caress one another. Fili turned off the television and sat quietly…waiting.

Kili leaned back into Fili, feeling a sturdy erection pressing against him. “Jaysus, that was hot,” he whispered.

“Mmm, very. I think we should do some of that, don’t you?”

“I feel like I’ll die if we don’t.” He smiled shyly. “I always thought stuff like that was for pussies.”

The blond chuckled. “It is for pussies, but it’s for cocks too. Now just relax and let me have my way with you.”

“Oh yeah.” The words were like a sigh as he let Fili take his weight.

Fili started with his hair, running his fingers through the unruly dark strands, drawing them out and letting them fall. It was messy and blessedly free of the touch of a stylist. There was no product to tame the Irishman’s wild mane. The scent was his own, soft and male and erotic. The blond burned his face in it, inhaling deeply.

He moved on to Kili’s face, gently drawing his fingers from the bridge of his nose outward across his cheekbones, to trail around the shell of his ear and trace his jaw downward. He explored the pattern of his beard and up to explore his mustache and then the sweet sensual curve of his lips. Kili kissed the fingertips that traced across his smile.

His throat was next; long and sleek, the muscles strong and corded even in relaxation. Fili traced them down from his chin to his shoulders feeling how them moved under his fingers when Kili leaned back even further, welcoming the touch. The hollow of his throat was fascinating, a shallow pool that tempted exploring fingers bordered by solid bone and muscle but lined with velvet skin.

Inquisitive hands slid down to toy with the soft dark strands of hair, weaving his fingers over the over-conditioned pecs to find and explore the golden-pink nipples that were little sensitive islands in the sea of dark chest hair. He slid his palms over them, warming them and then drew his hand upward to let his fingertips rest on the areola, massaging in tiny gentle circles before encompassing the stiffening nipples and squeezing tenderly. The Irishman’s shuddering intake of breath told him that the attention was very much appreciated.

Kili began his own exploration, sliding his palms down the strong legs that held him on either side. Fili was relaxed, but as he moved muscles shifted beneath his skin, tempting golden fingers. The Kiwi’s golden hair sparkled in the candlelight. He wasn’t as heavily furred as Kili, who had been dubbed “The Fabulous Furball” by one of his lovers. His hair was crisper and had more curl to it, a difference that the Irishman found he liked very much. The remains of a summer tan made his skin reflect pale amber, his arms notably darker than his legs.

“This is supposed to be about you,” Fili murmured into his ear.

“This is about us both,” came the reply. “I want to touch you all over.” Kili heaved a happy sigh. “At some point I want to kiss you all over.”

“And at some point I’ll let you. Now be a good boy and behave yourself while it’s my turn to play.”

Fili, lowered the head of the bed and slipped out from under Kili, sliding a pillow under the dark head as he moved. He slid down until he was sitting alongside his partner. Rolling to a kneeling position, he leaned over and ran his hands down Kili’s chest. Every movement was slow and measured, his fingers splayed out covering as much area as possible. The brunet lifted his arms and Fili could feel the play of his muscles against his ribs. He was still too thin, his ordeal having melted the pounds off him.

His belly was a concave dip and the heavier midline trail of hair culminated in the swirl of hair around his navel and then traced on down to the tangle of his pubes. Fili’s hands traced that tempting line, keeping the pressure light and even, caressing rather than teasing. Making Kili aware of every nerve. He arched his back to get more pressure, but the blond slipped his hands down and around to caress the arch, holding him until he slumped back against the mattress.

He turned and moved lower, his hands sliding down Kili’s hips, noting the sharp point of his pelvis, tracing the line inward but turning from his erection to descend his thighs, pressing and massaging the muscles. He could feel some of them bunch under his touch; others fluttered like a captured butterfly and some gave no response at all. He laid his hands on the ones that were trapped, willing energy into them. They quieted under his touch and lay still.

Kili’s breath had hitched when those strong hands had descended, but his breathing evened out again. His right hand grasped Fili’s calf, kneading the muscles, holding on as if to ground himself. He wanted to look down to watch the Kiwi explore his lower body, but he couldn’t make himself do it. Eyes closed, he held on for dear life.

Fili shifted and stretched out so that his head was by Kili’s knees. Very gently he traced his fingers down the length of the Irishman’s right leg, brushing over the scars whisper light, exploring their depth and convolutions with his fingertips. He was mapping Kili’s leg, tracing the lines permanently etched into his muscle, getting to know them so that they stopped being a thing apart and became simply a part of the man he was falling in love with.

He leaned down and kissed the worst of the scars, a long strip where the muscle was missing, leaving a long white ugly groove in the olive skin. Fili traced his fingers down the center of it as if he could will it away. He kissed along the length of it, feeling the unnatural smoothness of the scar tissue against his lips. When he pressed a kiss on a spot Kili could feel, the hand on his calf squeezed almost to the point of pain. Fili looked up to see the sparkle of unshed tears. Taking Kili’s hand, he turned, pressed kissed into the palm and looked into his eyes.

“You are beautiful. You are amazing. Lay back and let me make love to you. I want to remember every inch of your gorgeous body.”

The brunet moved as if he was going to respond, but ended up throwing an arm across his eyes and laying still.

Kili was overwhelmed by what was happening to him. It was literally alien to him. He’d never seen anything like this, never heard of it and certainly never experienced it. He was almost in shock, his emotions racing between joy and terror. The sensation of being touched gently everywhere was putting his senses into overdrive, threatening to overwhelm them. He felt numb in areas where he had sensation and felt shocks where he knew the nerves were dead. He wanted to run from the room. He wanted to stay here forever. He compromised by bursting into tears.

The sobs ripped through his body, nearly lifting his torso from the bed. Fili stopped touching him immediately and turned to watch. He had learned in therapy that when someone is crying this hard you have to let them get through it. To touch them will stop their catharsis. Only when it winds down can you offer comfort.

When Kili’s sobs dissolved into sniffles, Fili slid up the bed and gathered him into his arms, pressing tender kisses to his forehead. ‘It’s all right, Kili. I’ve got you. I promise I won’t let you go. You’re safe.”

The Irishman burrowed into Fili’s shoulder, leaving a trail of tears and snot. Kili was many things but a pretty crier wasn’t one of them. He wept with heart and soul, turning his eyes red, his face blotchy and nose producing a stream of mucus. A tiny smile twitched the corner of the blond’s mouth. Kili cried like he did everything, whether it was hurling himself into the air, or dealing with a broken spine. He launched himself head first and the devil take the hindmost. Twisting hard, Fili was able to reach the box of tissues on the nightstand. Tearing loose a handful, he stuffed them into the hollow of his shoulder in the general area of Kili’s face. There was a muffled “thanks” and the tissues vanished and nose-blowing commenced.

When the honking died down, a very small voice rose. “I’m so sorry I’m a fucking idiot.”

The smile encompassed both sides of Fili’s mouth this time. “You’re not an idiot, you’re working through this shit that’s happened to you. You’re getting rid of that poison that’s been building in your mind.”

 

 

Kili finally rolled over a bit and curled up next to Fili. He pulled his arms around himself as protection. The tears wouldn’t stop and he knuckled them roughly away, embarrassed to be seen crying. Fili didn’t touch him yet, he waited until the ragged breathing evened out. Leaning forward he pressed a tender kiss onto Kili’s forehead.

“It’s okay to cry about what’s happened to you and mourn what you’ve lost. I don’t think you’ve let yourself do that. I’m not going to judge you. I’ve shed too many tears myself.”

Kili blinked and looked at him, seeing truth mirrored in those blue eyes. “I don’t want to act like a baby. It’s bad enough that I need help sometimes.”

“It sounds trite, babe, but we all do. You had shit luck, that’s all. You’re doing your best,” Fili whispered gently.

“I’m useless and ugly,” Kili replied, his voice catching. “I just want things to go back and be the way they were.”

Fili’s heart nearly broke. Nothing could ever put things back, the only thing was to go on and that was backbreakingly hard. “I know. I wish I could fix things. All I can do is tell you that you’re not ugly. You are desirable and beautiful and someone loves you because you deserve to be loved.”

“Don’t say that,” came the muffled response.

“Don’t say what? You have to talk to me, remember.”

“Don’t say you love me. I’m not ready for that. I…I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that.”

Fili drew his hand through Kili’s hair and patted him gently. “I do love you, Kili. I don’t know if I’m ‘in love’ with you yet, but I definitely love you. You’re my friend and someone I care deeply about.”

There was a long silence broken by a few hiccups and a shuddering breath. “A friends kinda love?”

“Yes, friends. Not lovers yet, but we’re working on it. Not boyfriends yet either. Just friends.” His voice was soothing and he felt the Irishman relax against him.

“Friends,” Kili whispered as he slid his arm around Fili. “I like that. I like that a lot.”

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Betrayal is bitter and stays in the heart longer than on the tongue. It takes work to let it go and open yourself up again. Bodies are not the only things crushed in an accident. Self-confidence can also be a casualty. It takes time and acceptance to rebuild what was destroyed. It also takes a partner who needs support as well. Their path is not well marked but together they are exploring it. Together they are working to heal.

  

They had lain curled up together for a long time. Fili had adjusted his position so that Kili’s head was pillowed on his arm. He knew the Irishman had exhausted himself and was not surprised when his breathing slowed and his muscles relaxed in sleep. Smiling, he closed his eyes and drifted off.

When Kili woke enough to turn over, the blond rose, blew out the candles and pulled up the covers. He tucked his partner in and curled up next to him, an arm over his chest, protecting him through the night.

Fili woke first and lay quietly watching Kili sleep. He’d cried so hard that his eyes had dark circles under them and he’d burst a few capillaries in his cheeks. Right now he looked very young and very defenseless. The Kiwi resisted the urge to reach over and touch him. He had a terrific urge to keep Kili safe, even though he was aware that it was the last thing the young man needed. He needed to balance his nurturing instinct with what was best for them both. It had gotten him in trouble before and he was determined that it would not do so again.

Kili woke slowly, blinking to clear his eyes. He looked over at Fili, long lashes shading chocolate eyes. His face was peaceful and when he smiled it was with genuine warmth. “I dreamed of you.”

“Nice dreams, I hope,” Fili answered.

“Very nice. I dreamed we went dancing. I didn’t know the steps, but you taught them to me. I was clumsy as hell, but you were very patient.”

Fili smiled. “Well I’m glad I was patient. I wouldn’t want to yell at you in your dreams.”

“Naw, you wouldn’t do that. You might call me a ‘three-legged calf’ but you wouldn’t yell at me.”

“Is that an Irish saying?” Fili reached out to take the hand that was extended.

“I dunno, my mum says it sometimes, especially when I break something.”

Fili nodded sagely. “Should I start moving the breakables?”

Kili laughed and squeezed his hand. “Shit, I hope not. I think I outgrew that stage.”

He raked the hair out of his eyes and looked hard at Fili, his face suddenly serious. “I’m sorry I spoiled last night.”

“You didn’t spoil anything,” Fili reassured him. “What you experienced is called a ‘catharsis.’ It’s the mind’s way of getting rid of negative emotions. I’ve had one myself. It’s not fun, but it sort of cleans you out and leaves your mind in a better place. I wasn’t expecting it, but I’m glad it happened. You’re more relaxed this morning.”

“I should feel like shite, but I don’t. In fact I feel pretty damn good.” He lowered his eyes bashfully. “I am sorry I spoiled your massage thing, though.”

“I’m repeating myself, Kili. You didn’t spoil it, you just put it on pause.” Fili smiled saucily at him and winked. “I’m not nearly done with your gorgeous body…not by a long shot.”

Kili put his hands in front of his face. “Stop it, you’re such a twat.”

“I might be a twat, but I can’t wait to get my hands on you again. I’ve waited all my life to get an athlete into my bed and now I intend to have my way with you.”

He rolled to a kneeling position and quickly, but carefully straddled the Irishman, pinning both his hands at the wrist. “Now I have you in my clutches and I can have my way with you.”

Kili burst out laughing, his entire body quaking. “Oh no, whatever shall I do? Stop! Stop, do you hear!”

Fili leaned forward and captured his lips in a kiss. When Kili broke loose from the kiss he cried out in a falsetto voice, “Stop, I’ll never let you take my virginity. I am saving it for my husband.”

The blond gave an evil laugh. “He’s tied to the railroad tracks, he’ll never be here in time to save you.”

He kissed Kili again.

“Oh stop!”

“Don’t…”

“Don’t stop!”

The brunet wrested his hands away and threw them around Fili’s back, pulling him down, arching hard upward to meet his lips and hold them.

As their lips met, the kiss burst into flame. Kili suddenly couldn’t get enough of him. Fili felt as if he were being devoured. It was glorious. The Irishman’s lips and tongue and teeth took in every inch they could reach. One moment their tongues were dueling and the next Kili was licking across his cheek and down his neck. It would have been funny if it hadn’t been white hot. It was as if all the tension from the last two weeks had burst forth. Hands slid from one hold to another, the men seeking to stimulate both themselves and their partner. One grip was exchanged for another without finesse or any thought beyond pleasure.

Fili was on top and he positioned himself with one leg between Kili’s and the other leg over his hip. He rubbed himself against the Irishman’s belly, feeling the erotic scrape of his abdominal hair and the hot length of his erection as they pressed together. He could get off like this, but he knew that Kili couldn’t. Quickly reaching between them he fisted the brunet tightly, using his fingertips to apply as much stimulation as he could along the right side of the shaft. Kili groaned loudly and dug his fingers into Fili’s back.

“Fuck me!” It was an imperative. “Now!”

He put enough pressure onto Kili’s erection to bring most men to their knees, but the Irishman rose up under him, demanding more. Half grinning that this was working, Fili gripped tighter and stroked harder. He thrust forward with his hips once. Twice. And Kili came with a curse, crying out again and again as he emptied himself over Fili’s stroking fingers.

The blond continued to stimulate him until the aftershocks passed. He gentled his grip, using the slickness of Kili’s semen to turn the stroke into a slide. He was still so hard it was almost painful, but he wanted to take care of his partner first. Only when the brunet gave one last shuddering gasp and lay still did he release him and use the slickness on his own organ.

Kili blinked as if he was just waking and then slid a hand between them. “That’s my job.”

“It’s ok,” Fili replied, “I can take care of it.”

“Just no. I should have said, it’s my pleasure. What would you like?” His dark eyes bore into blue ones that had suddenly gone shy.

“Your hand is fine.” The Kiwi smiled at him, but he knew there was more.

“I’m sure it is, but what would you really like? This can’t just be about me, you know.” He leaned forward and captured one of Fili’s mustache braids in his teeth and tugged.

“I’d really like you to suck me.” The request was soft with a shyness that thrilled Kili more than he would have thought possible.

“Oh fuck yeah!” He sat up and stopped Fili from moving. “I got this. It’s your turn so just behave yourself for a minute and then misbehave all you want.” He grinned wickedly. “It just so happens that blowjobs are my specialty. Now spread your legs, baby.”

Looking far too delighted, he sat up until he could get a good grip on his legs and quickly pulled them into position with one inside and one outside Fili’s. He borrowed a tip from the video and rocked forward, grabbed a pillow and jammed it behind his hips to stabilize himself and keep from rolling backwards. With his hips stable it was now all up to his more-than-capable upper body to do the rest.

He looked up at Fili, hair in his trademark disarray, dark eyes sparkling wickedly and a thousand watt grin lighting his face. “Oh baby, what I’m gonna do to you…”

He started by running his hands over the Kiwi’s thighs, enjoying the play of strong muscle and the stiff kinkiness of his body hair. The hair was gold to his dark, short and curled to his long and straight. They were opposites, yin and yang and they fit perfectly together. Kili intended to show him just how perfect they were.

He licked a slow path up the inside of Fili’s right thigh, drawing forth a moan of pleasure. He felt gooseflesh rise up as the skin responded. The path took him to bump gently against the blond’s testicles. They were so soft and fragile, anything harsher than a breath could hurt. He nuzzled gently, tracing first one then the other with the tip of his tongue. Even more gently he took them into his mouth one by one, sucking lightly, laving the wrinkled skin with the flat of his tongue. He breathed deeply savoring Fili’s scent. It was strong with desire, a heavy musk mixed with the scent of his own semen. It was very male and very erotic. Kili drank it in with eyes closed, just letting it become a part of him.

Almost reluctantly he placed a last kiss on the tender pouch and moved upward, supporting himself on strong arms. Fili was up hard, his cock twitching in time with his heartbeat. The soft pink shaft with its darker head was beautiful. It was very different from Kili’s own olive and ebony charms. Here there was pink and gold, like a treasure just waiting to be claimed.

Fili’s pubic hair, unlike his own, was trimmed. For half a second it crossed the Irishman’s mind that he might want to do some grooming, but a soft moan made him forget everything else but what was at hand. He nuzzled the hair, enjoying the feel of it against his lips. It was coarse and nearly kinked, inviting him to play with the curls with his tongue. He promised himself some time to do that but he had other things to do first. Sliding his tongue around the base, he worked his way up the underside of the shaft with a series of licks and nibbles that made the blond forget how to breathe.

The crown was dark pink, weeping with clear pre-come that tempted the senses. It had a softer scent than semen and a softer taste as well. Slick on the tongue, Kili used it to tease by rolling his tongue across the head and then probing the slit, setting off nerve endings that were rarely stimulated. Using his lips, he pulled up the foreskin over the head and then expertly slid it down again, using Fili’s own body as a sex toy. When the Kiwi’s fingers grasped his shoulder, he knew that he was doing it right.

“Please,” Fili whispered, his fingers kneading Kili’s shoulder muscles. “Please, more. You’re making me crazy. I can’t…”

Evilly, Kili backed off and then licked hard at the frenulum, just beneath the head. The tip of his tongue flicking against the bundle of nerve endings, sending the blond nearly off the bed.

“You fucker!”

Kili laughed and took Fili’s cock deep into his mouth in one long slow stroke. He’d never been particularly good at deep throating his partners but since he knew how to work them expertly no one ever complained. The deep long sigh from above told him that the Kiwi was perfectly happy with what he was receiving. Kili used his hand to take up the slack and by listening to Fili’s breathing and moans figured out a rhythm that worked to drive the blond higher and higher.

Already so turned on that every touch sent shocks through his body; it didn’t take Fili very long to peak. He grabbed Kili’s head, tangling his fingers into the long dark strands and held on for dear life. He didn’t press or pull, he just let his hands ride with the motion, as if experiencing it with another sense. The Irishman began a low thrumming deep in his throat, letting the vibrations build along the underside of the shaft through the flat of his tongue. Within seconds Fili was arching upward, his muscles too knotted to even allow sound to escape.

Kili kept humming until he had to start swallowing. The head was far enough down so that he had no difficulty and was able to ride out the aftershocks in an easy slow sucking that left his partner to fall back limp against the sheets.

Fili laid there, arms at his sides, eyes closed in bliss, a soft smile on his perfect lips. Using his elbows, Kili pulled himself up the bed and flopped on top of him. The blond’s eyes popped open and he grinned. “You are amazing.”

Kili’s smile was wicked, his dark eyes sparking with mischief. “I’m okay. Better’n a hand, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Fili agreed. “Better’n about anything I can think of. If you could sell that ability you’d be a rich man.”

“I think Hoover already has that market covered,” he replied. “Besides I do so much more. Blowjobs, cook breakfast, model for your camera.”

“Speaking of which.” Fili reached up and kissed him quickly. “I want to do a session with you. If not today then soon.”

“You’re fucking joking!” Kili looked at him like he had two heads.

“Nope. Not joking. I want to do some nude studies of you in your chair.”

“Now I know you’ve lost your mind. You are _not_ taking pictures of my hairy skinny paralyzed ass and that’s it! Not gonna happen!” He rolled off of Fili and hauled himself into a semi-sitting position. “I have enough fucking self-esteem issues without thinking about photos of myself floating around the net.”

Kili was riding the fine border between surprise and anger. Sure he’d thought of his body as hot in a sexy masculine kind of way. But he would have hesitated at being photographed when he was able bodied and he sure as hell wasn’t going to do it now.

He sat there, supporting himself with his hands and then reaching down and yanking his legs around to balance himself. His motions were harsh and angry, leaving hand prints on his calves as he manhandled his legs.

Fili had bolted upright himself and sat with a stunned look on his face. He hadn’t expected such a dramatic reaction. “I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I’m a photographer and you’re beautiful to me. I just wanted to capture that beauty. If you don’t want to do it, of course we won’t. Please don’t get mad. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

 

 

His blue eyes had darkened to sapphire and his color had risen as he neared the edge of panic. He reached out to Kili. “I’m so sorry. I don’t want to spoil what we have. No pictures, now or ever unless you say it’s okay.”

Kili looked at him out from under his fringe. It was impossible to be angry with this man. He was being so sincere. The brunet turned a little and took Fili’s hand. “No nude pictures until I’m ready. Maybe never.”

“Agreed. But can I take, you know, regular pictures like of you at the beach?” He looked so much like a puppy that had been slapped that Kili relented.

“Yeah, okay. Regular pictures, but let me know you’re gonna taken ‘em. No sneaking up on me like the cemetery, yeah?”

“I promise. Only Kili approved photos.” He looked up and met Kili’s eyes. “But you can’t object if I look at you and remember…like now…”

The Irishman was sitting there nude, nothing hidden, hair tangled, lips swollen from kisses, his sex curled up in the dark nest that housed it, sleeping happily. He looked down at himself and grinned. “Fucked if I know why you want to remember me looking manky with dried come on my belly. But whatever turns you on.”

Fili slide over to draw him into his arms. “You do, you silly wanker. You turn me on even crusty with old come. I’m just an old perv.”

“No worse’n me,” came the reply from nearly inside Fili’s mouth. They both laughed and tumbled back down onto the bed in a welter of arms and legs.

* * *

When they could finally pry themselves apart Fili made a dash for the loo while Kili slid into his chair and followed. The blond left Kili to his bathroom gymnastics and popped back into the bedroom to slip on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. He went into the kitchen to get breakfast started.

Kili rolled in a few minutes later and stopped in surprise. “Bloody hell, mate, you’ve been busy.”

Fili gave him that wickedly sly smile that was all teeth and dimples. “I don’t know what you mean.”

The Irishman went over the coffeemaker that was now sitting on a convenient table with wheels. He opened the cabinet below it and found the coffee, tea and cups stashed there. He spent more time than necessary looking at the coffee to give himself time to blink away the mist that had sprung up in front of his eyes.

“This is brill. Just brill.” He spun around and noted that there was now a breadbox that was sitting at the edge of the counter with the toaster next to it.

“I moved everything I could think of,” Fili said. “I’m sure that you’ll tell me if something else needs to be relocated.”

“You didn’t have to do this.”

“Of course I did. It wasn’t a big deal, I just moved some things around and I really like having the coffee, tea and cups all in one place. Makes me wonder why I didn’t do it before.”

He came up behind the Irishman and put his hands on Kili’s shoulders. The brunet reached up to hug Fili and pull him in for an upside down kiss. He signed happily. It just felt so right. He was at home here. He liked the way he was when he was with Fili. He was more relaxed and not the constant competitor as he had been before his accident. Here he didn’t have anything to prove.

 

 

Fili leaned down and kissed the top of his head. He went to stand but Kili yelped and grabbed at him. “I think one of my beads is caught in your hair.” His voice was a little muffled by the pull on his lip. “Stop yanking and let me untangle it.”

“What would you like for breakfast? I got real food. Bacon, eggs, beans, hash, and something deadly looking called ‘black pudding’ except that it doesn’t look much like a pudding.”

Kili’s eyes gleamed. “I love black pudding. You will too. I’ll fry us up some. Beans too, gotta have beans.”

“Great, unidentifiable sliced stuff and beans. Breakfast of champions,” Fili said wryly, a twinkle in his eyes.

“Yeah, how do you think I won so many races? Beans, beans are the secret.” He grabbed the cutting board from the cabinet next to the stove and a knife that he waved around to punctuate his words.

The Kiwi winced. “So I buy black pudding and you turn into Jack the Ripper?”

“Don’t fuck with me, mate, I’m brilliant with cutlery.” He brought the knife down and neatly sliced the pudding into rather unappetizing looking rounds.

“What’s in that, anyway?” Fili ask peering over his shoulder.

“I’ll tell you after we’ve had some.” He tipped his head back to look up at the blond and grinned. “It’s the price you pay for not reading the fecking label.”

Between the two of them they got breakfast on the table complete with toast and coffee. Kili nodded. “This is a fine Irish breakfast. It’ll put hair on your chest.”

Fili raised an eyebrow. “I really don’t want any more hair on my chest. I already look like I’m wearing a jumper my mum knitted for me.”

They sat down to eat and Fili watched Kili shovel it in. It wasn’t fair that anyone could eat like that and not gain weight. He took half as much and poked the black pudding experimentally. It didn’t twitch and it smelled good, so he took a bite. It was mild and slightly salty. He preferred the bacon and didn’t finish the black pudding. The Irishman, after determining that his breakfast partner was not adventurous, speared it and tucked it away quickly.

“So, do ya wanna know what it is?” he asked around the cud in his cheek.

“No,” Fili said evenly. “I don’t think I do.”

“Pork blood and oatmal.” He grinned wickedly enjoying the glazed look Fili developed.

“Thank you for sharing,” The blond nodded. “And don’t think I won’t remember this.”

Chuckling, Kili finished his orange juice. “I’m sorry, I had to do it. I hope you don’t feel too bad.”

Fili reached over and ruffled the brunet’s hair, setting it on end. “Naw, I‘m just taking the piss.”

“You’ve got a good heart, you know that?” Kili leaned on the table with his elbows. “So tell me about this ex of yours. You’ve been avoiding it since we met. You’ve rearranged your kitchen for me, so I’m thinking you want me in your life. If you do then I deserve to know about you.”

Fili looked uncomfortable. He fiddled with his empty cup and then got up and poured himself more coffee. “I don’t want to come off sounding like an wanker and I know I will.”

Kili reached over and took his hand. “Never in a million years could you look like a wanker.” He squeezed gently. “Maybe this isn’t the right time to talk, yeah?”

The Kiwi ducked his head and sighed. “There is no good time to talk. It’s really not that bad when I tell it. There’s nothing dramatic in my past. It’s as dull and dreary as I am.” He looked up and saw that Kili’s eyes were blazing. Before he could think of something to say, Fili smiled and said, “Ok, I’m sorry for that. Old habits die hard. Scripts is what my therapist called them. I keep reading from the same old script. I need to hire a new writer.

“I was the small, skinny, queer kid in school, but I had art so it was okay. I was the nobody that pretty much got ignored.”

“Oh come on,” Kili said, “you must have been an adorable kid with those eyes and dimples.”

“The girls noticed them, but I wasn’t interested in girls, so I got labeled a ‘nerd’ and a ‘geek’ and finally when I hit my teens, just “faggot.’ The weird thing was I hadn’t figured out my sexuality yet. I think my mum knew, but it made her uncomfortable. My dad was okay with my art. His brother was a small guy and an artist who did pretty good for himself. He used to joke that when I made it big he was going to retire and let me support him.

“I figured it out the summer I got shot in the stomach. I think I kinda knew by then, but spending so much time in the hospital and having a gay nurse made me stop denying it.”

“You had a gay nurse?” Kili asked warily.

“Yeah, he was brilliant. We spent a lot of time talking and finally I just told him what I thought was going on with me. He’s a Maori, the size of a fucking lorry and he told me that I had nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes he’d come in after his shift and we’d talk for hours. We must have made quite a sight, the skinny little white boy and the huge warrior. He had moko, the Maori tattoos, on his face and body. He would tell me stories about what each one meant. Maori culture isn’t very friendly to gays, but if you are strong and believe in yourself you can get through it.”

Fili sat quietly for a long moment staring into his empty cup. “I should have listened harder.”

He looked up and shrugged. “My faith in myself lasted exactly as long as it took for a guy I had a crush on to tell me that I was ugly because of the scars.”

“Fuck him!” Kili rose up looking as if he wanted to hit something, or someone. “That’s bullshit!”

“Yeah, you should talk, Mr. Don’t Look at My Legs.” He shrugged. “I don’t know if it’s being gay, being a teen who was already sensitive about his body or what, but I stayed away from gay guys after that. When I was in my second year in uni I met my first lover and we did okay until the term ended and he didn’t come back. He said he couldn’t afford to continue. He lived on the south island, so we drifted apart pretty fast. I was alone for a long time after that.”

Fili started to fidget and Kili backed up and moved next to him. “We can talk about this later.”

Fili pushed his cup away and looked at the brunet. “I’m okay. I don’t know why talking about this makes me uncomfortable. It’s stupid.” Kili started to say something, but he blond shook his head. “Now is as good a time as any, Let me finish.

“I met Daniel at an art show. I had one piece in it and he bought it. He was gorgeous…is gorgeous. Tall and slim with auburn hair and eyes the color of honey. He was perfectly groomed, well spoken, well read…well everything. He has this deep voice with a James Bond accent and he made me sound like a hick, but I was fascinated by him. He picked me up before I knew what was happening. We went out for drinks after the show and he was the perfect gentleman. When he called me the next day and asked me to dinner I had to say yes.”

Fili tensed for a second, but relaxed when Kili kissed him lightly. “I was only nineteen and I’d never dated before. I didn’t know how to act, or what to think. We went to nice places and he ordered for us both because he always seemed to know what to get and what wine went with it.”

“Fucker was smooth,” Kili observed, running a forefinger down the Kiwi’s arm.

“You have no idea.” Fili gave a little laugh. “He’s Teflon, nothing can stick to him. He made me feel special and I fell pretty hard.

“I…I made the mistake of coming out to my parents because I was so in love that I knew I couldn’t hide it.” His eyes grew sad and dark. He looked at the table and rubbed his thumb along the handle of the knife, digging his nail into its pattern.

“What happened?” Kili had a feeling that he shouldn’t ask but he had to know. He laid his hand over Fili’s. The blond released the knife and wound his fingers through Kili’s.

“There was shouting and accusations on both sides. My mother was crying and my father was in a rage like I’d never seen. I had no idea until then that his brother was gay and that he despised him. I suddenly knew why my uncle had moved to the States. He called me every name in the book and after he did, he threw me out.”

Kili’s head flew up. Of course he’d heard of this kind of reaction, but he couldn’t imagine any parent being angry enough at their child to evict them. He squeezed Fili’s hand tighter.

“I had nowhere to go and only a few hundred dollars I’d made from the art show. I called Daniel and he let me move in.” He heaved a sigh. “I never moved out.”

“I let him do things I shouldn’t have because I was afraid of losing him. I had nowhere else to go. I look back now and it’s weird to think how hard I tried to please him. I let him take over every aspect of my life. I was separated from my family and friends, but it was okay because I had him.” He could feel Kili tensing up, but he kept talking. “He took over as my manager. He was good at it and promoted my art. I started getting into better galleries and had private showings. It wasn’t a bad life. I made us…him…quite a bit of money.”

“Did he ever work?” Kili asked quietly.

“Yes, at first. He was with a PR company, but he had a disagreement with them and left. After that he managed me.” He paused and Kili found himself holding his breath. He didn’t know a lot about psychology, but he’d met men like this. They had occasionally attended races, sniffing around for potential prey. He’d managed to avoid them. They were always on the lookout for their next meal ticket and were quite willing to use their looks and their skill in bed to secure it.

“I thought I was the luckiest man in the world. He made sure I thought that I should feel that way. If I found something lacking in my life he pointed out how good everything was and that I was being childish to complain. I didn’t know what to feel for the longest time. I was living in a nice house, driving a sports car and attending the best parties with the best people.”

He looked at the table and scrunched his eyes shut hard. “I would stand there with a cocktail in my hand looking at all the beautiful people knowing I wasn’t one of them. Under my tux was pure ugly. I knew if any of them ever saw me with my shirt off they would be disgusted.” Kili reached over and squeezed his hand, but he continued. “I thought of my clothes as camouflage so they’d never know what I really was.”

“Don’t say that!” Kili protested. It’s not true.”

Fili smiled gently and leaned over to kiss the Irishman tenderly. “It’s okay. It took a year of therapy, but maybe I can be honest with myself now and that means I can be honest with you. My scars are just scars. Some people won’t like them and some won’t care. I still think they’re ugly, but I’m working on it. I’m alive and they’re what saved me, so I can’t hate ‘em too bad.”

Kili took both hands and pulled him around in the chair until they were face to face. “I don’t think they’re ugly. They mean you survived.” He slid his hand under Fili’s T-shirt and laid his palm against the circular scar, feeling its ridges press against his skin. Last year he would have found it ugly too and probably not have been interested in the Kiwi. It hurt to think he’d been that shallow, but he’d learned a lot since then. Now all he wanted to do was to kiss away all the doubt and pain that scar had caused.

“The thing was for all our time together Daniel never wanted to see me nude. It was a long time before I noticed and when I did he explained in a way that made me feel like a child for bringing it up. Sex was good, but it was always in the dark and it was always the way he wanted it. The reality was that he was the dom and I was the sub. I’m beta as hell, so I just sort of slid into the role. I didn’t realize how much he controlled me until I went into therapy.“

The brunet looked at him quizzically. “You don’t seem so beta now.”

“That’s because of a year of therapy and working my arse off to stop acting like a doormat. I’m not done yet. My therapist gave me the name of someone over here. I start with him this Tuesday.”

“You still need therapy?”

He looked up at Kili, hurt shimmering in his eyes, darkening them. “Even after nearly a year and a half I still catch myself making excuses for him. He got me pretty well trained. It was bad enough that it took me six months to realize how screwed up I was and understand that I needed help.” His brows drew down and his eyes grew cold.

“I wasn’t as well trained as he thought I was. When I caught him cheating I didn’t let him talk his way out of it. I hired someone and found that he’d been cheating on me the entire time. That’s what it took for me to kick him out. I had to be punched in the face. I’m such a fucking idiot.” He looked at the table, expressionless.

“No, you aren’t,” Kili said quickly, reaching out to take Fili’s hand. “You’re one of the nice guys. You loved him and trusted him. He betrayed you.”

“Yeah, so you see you’re not the only one with trust issues.” Fili tried a smile, but it was doomed to failure. “I just feel so stupid for letting myself be used for so long.”

“You’re not stupid. He’s the stupid one for throwing away someone like you.” Kili reached up and wound his fingers in Fili’s curls. “I want to hold you so bad it’s driving me bonkers.”

The blond leaned into the touch and smiled sadly. “Yeah, sure. I could do with a cuddle.”

They put their dishes in the sink and headed for the bedroom. Fili went around the bed and climbed in. He watched as Kili transferred over and then asked. “Ee, or er?”

“Huh?”

“Do you want to be the cuddle-ee or the cuddler?”

“Oh. Oh, yeah. I choose er. I want you in my arms,” Kili replied quickly. He positioned his legs and held his arms out. Fili was quick to comply and slid in easily, heaving a sigh as he rested his head on the Irishman’s shoulder.

They lay silent for a time, kissing slowly, fingers intertwined, just enjoying being together. Fili lay with his head tipped back their lips barely touching as he shared Kili’s breath. He would have stayed like that forever, frozen in time, perfectly at ease.

After a time, Kili kissed his forehead and whispered. “You know, no matter what happens, we’ll always have Budapest.”

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No drama, just drawing closer and closer, learning about one another and making adjustments both physically and mentally. Relationships don't just happen, they must be nurtured. Fortunately Fili is very good at nurturing.

  

“You and I remember Budapest very differently,” Fili replied, kissing Kili on the tip of his nose.

The Irishman grinned. “He cooks and can quote The Avengers, what more could a man want?”

“You,” Fili said, his face serious. “He could want you. Now. Please.”

“Oh yeah…”

It was slow and sweet with kisses and exploration and clothes coming off one piece at a time as they got in the way. It was daylight and Kili surprised himself by not remembering he was supposed to be shy about his scars until Fili was in the process of licking his way up the inside of one hairy thigh that was twitching involuntarily. He’s been too busy playing with extra tight chest curls and the prettiest pink nipples. When the Kiwi took him in hand and squeezed he forgot about everything except the heat building between his legs and spooling tightly up his spine.

He thought he was going to have to talk to Bofur about the spasms in his left leg and then he forgot about that too. He had no idea that a perfect mouth with dimples could make enough suction to nearly elevate him from the bed, paralyzed muscles be damned.

Fili started to move up to top in the position they’d used the night before, but Kili’s left leg contracted and vibrated. Alarmed, Fili rolled off and turned so that he could hold the leg, his hands starting a gentle massage of cramping muscles.

“Oh fuck, I’m sorry,” Kili said, sitting up and reaching for his leg.

“Does it hurt?”

“Not yet, but it will set my back off if I can’t get it to stop spasming,” he replied.

They both went to work on it, Fili taking his cue on how hard to press to work the muscles loose.

“I’m luckier than a lot of blokes, I don’t get nearly the spasms some of them do. I stopped having to take meds for them a while back and I don’t want to start. They make me sleepy and tired all the time.” He dug his fingers into his thigh and rubbed in a circle.

“My right leg looks worse, but it’s my left side that took the hit and got the worst nerve damage. The arsehole got my right leg when he backed up to get off me. It mostly just got broken and mangled.”

Fili looked up, his lips firmed into a thin line. “Did he go to jail?”

Kili nodded, “Yeah, eight years. He’s been busted so many times for drink driving that he didn’t even have a license anymore.” His heavy brows pulled down into a frown. “But he’ll probably get out sooner and be right back on the road.”

The blond pressed against a tight muscle group with his thumb and shook his head. “Eight years, but you get life.”

Fili was so close to tears from anger and empathy. He just wanted to hit someone. He settled for leaning over and kissing Kili. The brunet slid his arms around Fili’s neck and leaned against him, using his body for support.

“I try not to think about it. Shit happens. I could have done this on my bike too. It’s bad luck, bad timing,” he muttered against Fili’s shoulder. “I just have to move on.”

There was a snort. “Easier said than done. But you’re doing your best. I don’t know if I’d cope as well as you are. You’re kinda my hero.”

Kili didn’t know what to say. When he was riding he’d had fans that had said that, but that had been for that guy on the bike winning races and doing stunts. No one has ever said anything like that about him off his bike in person. He looked up into clear blue eyes that were soft and honest. He was sitting naked in bed with all his disability and scars on display and he’d just been called someone’s hero.

Finding he had no way to respond, he cuddled against Fili’s chest and heaved a ragged sigh. The Kiwi held him close, his hands sliding over the tense muscles in his back. He started humming an old song his mother used to sing to him, his strong fingers working soothingly on the cords of muscle under them.

Slowly Kili’s leg relaxed, the spasms giving way to a flaccidity that was almost as unsettling. “Spaghetti legs” Bofur called it. The muscles were exhausted and so was the Irishman. He allowed Fili to roll him onto his stomach and massage the tenseness out of his back. It was heaven lying on the soft bed with gentle hands working to soothe aching muscles. He wasn’t religious, but thought that he just might stop by the church and light a candle in thanks for having the New Zealander come into his life.

Gradually the tension eased and Kili relaxed. Fili stopped massaging when a soft snore alerted him to the fact that his partner was asleep. He pressed a gentle kiss against the Irishman’s shoulder and curled up next to him, laying an arm protectively across his back. He pulled the sheet up and lay there thinking about the past year and a half.

Things had changed so much for him. He was in a new country starting a new life. Even the thought had been inconceivable before. He had become so used to being an extension of Daniel that it felt strange to be his own man, with his own objectives. He was very nervous and unsure about the whole thing. It was good that he was starting therapy again on Tuesday. He needed someone objective to talk with to make sure his head was on straight.

Kili gave a soft little snore followed by a snort and what sounded like a laugh. Fili smiled and tightened his arm just a little in a hug. This new life was shaping up to be pretty good. He was still smiling when he drifted off to sleep.

 

* * * *

 

Fili woke to find he was looking up into amber eyes. He smiled lazily. “What time is it?”

“Late,” Kili replied. “Dinner is at six and it’s nearly three now.”

“We’ve slept the day away.” Fili sat up and rubbed his eyes. “I can’t say I’m sorry, since I was enjoying the company.”

“I’m sorry to spoil sex once again but I have to get home and get cleaned up for dinner. It takes me a bit longer than it used to.” Raven brows were once again pulled down.

“There you go again making assumptions.” Fili smoothed his hair back from his eyes. “Sure sex is nice, but cuddling is nice too. Maybe it’s because I’m older but I’m not always thinking about it.” He looked a little embarrassed at the admission.

Kili heaved a sigh. “Since my accident I’m cooler than I used to be. Maybe I’m just getting old too. Last year I would have told you cuddling was for pussies. But now…”

The blond laughed and pulled him in for a kiss. “I guess it’s just us old farts hanging out together.”

The Irishman sat up. “Would you mind tossing me my clothes? I have to get dressed in bed these days.”

Fili slid out of bed and scooped Kili’s clothes off the floor. “Is it okay if I stay in here with you while you dress?”

“Sure, I guess so. It’s not all that interesting though.”

“How embarrassed would you be if I told you that everything you do interests me?” He smiled shyly, his dimples impossibly deep.

“Pretty embarrassed, so you’d better not tell me,” Kili replied bending to pull his pants over his lower legs and then bunching the legs around his thighs. He laid back and rolled to pull them up and stopped.

“Could I ask you to do something kinda embarrassing?”

Fili came over to the edge of the bed and stood there waiting for instructions.

“Would you look at my lower back and arse and see if there are any red spots? At home I check every morning with a mirror. I can’t afford to let any pressure spots go unnoticed; it can land me in bed for a week, maybe more.” He was mortally embarrassed, but he had to ask since he probably wouldn’t have time for a full inspection when he got home.

The Kiwi helped him roll and thoroughly inspected him. “Nope, pink like a baby’s arse,” he said cheerfully. Patting Kili’s butt he helped him turn back over.

Kili laughed. “If you think that, then you have seen some really weird hairy babies.” He finished pulling up his pants and then sat up to put on his shoes and socks.

After the rump inspection, Fili dressed and then pulled some clothes out of his closet laying them on the bed. Kili looked at them questioningly. The blond smiled. “I’m inviting myself over for a shower. I’ve never been to your flat.”

“And so you pick a day when I haven’t cleaned up.”

“Like I care about that. I just thought it would be fun to be together a little longer. If you don’t like the idea, I’ll pick you up at half five.”

Kili shrugged and smiled. “Actually I do kinda like the idea. It’s only fair with me being over here all the time. You’ll get to see how the gimps live.”

Fili threw a pillow at him. “Don’t call yourself that.”

He juggled it and threw it back. “I’m the only one who gets to do it. It’s gimp privilege.”

“You,” Fili said, grabbing up his clothes, “are an arse.”

“Yeah and you love it,” Kili shot back.

“Yeah. Yeah I do…”

* * * *

Kili had been aware that there were eyes on them as they came up the walk to his apartment complex. Most of the tenants were elderly and quite independent. They were also incredibly nosy. As he unlocked the front door he wondered idly if the regular gifts of biscuits and scones would stop if they knew he was gay.

He rolled into the middle of the room and popped his celebratory wheelie. “This is it in all its slummy glory!”

Fili laughed. Aside from a pair of boxer-briefs fetchingly draped over the arm of a chair the flat was tidy. The décor was an interesting combination of BMX and Mum. What caught his interest immediately was a large signed poster of what looked to be a comic book cover on the wall. He went over for a closer look.

Kili beat him to it. “That’s Sláine. The signatures are Massimo Belardinelli and Mike McMahon, the two original artists,” he said excitedly.

The blond studied the art. It was nothing like his. It was an intricately detailed ink that had been colored it. It was also extremely violent. Apparently Irish heroes were a little more hardcore than Marvel.

“This is amazing work.”

“Yeah, it’s my favorite comic. I was lucky to score it at the Comic Con a few years back. These dudes are tough to find in one place and I had to wait for hours, but it was worth it.” He grinned and then ducked his head shyly. “When I was a kid I used to pretend I was Sláine.”

“How many monsters did you kill?” Fili asked, his eyes twinkling.

“Hundreds. Some of them even real. I was a skinny kid with no dad and Bobby Cullen said some things about Mum. I picked up a slat from a crate and went Sláine on his sorry arse. He kept his mouth shut after that.”

Fili threw back his head and laughed. “I’da paid to see that. One arse-whuppin’ Sláine-style.”

He leaned over and kissed Kili. “So you’re a Celtic warrior too. Is there anything else I should know about you?”

“Probably tons, but when you kiss me like that I can’t think, so they’ll have to wait.” He rolled over in front of a glass-fronted case full of trophies. “I can tell you’re an artist. Everyone else comes over here first.”

The blond nodded. “I suppose they do. I guess I should be embarrassed that I didn’t.”

“Naw, it just means you’re an artist. I think it’s kind of cool that you went to the poster first.” Kili moved in front of them. “I look at them sometimes and it feels like someone else won them. Maybe I should just box them up.”

Fili moved protectively between the brunet and the cabinet. “If you do, I’ll just get them back out again. They are a part of you, of your history. You can’t just box that up. You worked hard for them, so be proud you won them. So what if you can’t do that any more, your next trophies will be for something else.”

“Next trophies?” Kili couldn’t fathom what he was talking about. “What next trophies?”

“A bloke like you doesn’t just stop competing. You’re not going to be content to sit on the sidelines for long.” He picked up a tall golden trophy of a biker in midair and looked at it. He read the inscription. “Winner. Halfpipe. Redbull BMX Blowout.” Putting it back, he asked, “What’s a halfpipe?”

“When we aren’t going to dinner with my family I’ll show you some videos. Basically its an arsehole on a little bike trying to see if he can break his neck in the most spectacular way.”

“Okay, that sounds like fun. Not.” He looked back at the trophies. “And you managed not to break your neck and win all of those. Fucking amazing.” He laughed, his beads dancing.

Fili walked over and picked up the clothes he’d dropped on the sofa. “Do you have a shower around here? We can’t go smelling like hot sex.”

Kili sped past him and stopped in a wheelie. “What hot sex? Did I pass out and miss something?”

“I do seem to remember an orgasm or two last night. Please tell me you didn’t forget it.” His brows furrowed for a moment.

Kili smiled wryly. “I am just being a wanker. I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself.” He came over and took Fili’s hand. “I’m sorry. It was awesome. Brilliant even.”

“Okay, you don’t have to go overboard.”

“It really was. I’m so used to focusing on the negative that I don’t appreciate the good stuff. My physio has been trying to talk me into going into therapy for awhile now.” He looked up at Fili, his face serious. “Do you really think it’s helped you?”

A nod. “Yeah, I think it really has. It’s not so much what they tell you, it’s what you tell yourself. They just let you listen to yourself and give suggestions every now and again. It might be worth a try.”

“I have a mentor, but he’s a lot older and straight and while he’s great with the physical stuff, we just have really different lives.” He stopped balancing and let his front wheels drop to the floor. “ I’ll think about it.”

“Do that. Talk to your physio and then do what you gotta do.” Fili looked at the trophies. “You know…just like you used to do.”

Kili gave him a killing glare and headed for the bedroom. He was sitting next to his bed rummaging around in the pack he carried over the back of his chair when Fili came in, but he didn’t look up.

The blond sat on the bed next to him. “I’m sorry if I said something I shouldn’t.”

Kili refused to meet his eyes; he just kept digging in the bag.

“You’re a competitor. I don’t believe that will just go away. If I went blind I would still find some way to create art. Please don’t be angry with me for believing in you.”

The Irishman looked up abruptly. Fili’s eyes were hooded, darkened in sorrow and apology. Kili nodded and leaned forward, drawing his Kiwi in for a hug. “I’m sorry I’m such an arse.” The words were whispered into Fili’s abdomen, but they went straight to his heart.

“You’re not an arse. You’ve had the rug ripped out from under you and you are struggling to find out who you are now, that’s all. It will come. Your next trophies might not be the kind you put on a shelf, but they will be very real. You…” His words were lost as Kili pulled him down into a long kiss. It was awkward for the blond, but he wasn’t about to protest.

When he let go, Kili looked at him, mahogany eyes misty, but not at all sad. “I don’t know what I did to bring you into my life, but I’m sure glad I did it.”

“Me too. Maybe it was Celtic magic,” Fili replied softly.

“Yeah. Maybe it was.” He looked toward the bathroom. “Are you ready to see my gymnastics?”

“I’m ready for anything that involves you taking your clothes off, mate,” Fili said with a grin.

“Back up then and let me do my thing.”

Fili moved and Kili easily transferred to the bed and sat up, pulling his leg up so he could remove his shoe. Fili unlaced the other one and then stepped back. The Irishman divested himself of clothing quickly and neatly set it on the side of the bed to be put in the laundry. He transferred back to the wheelchair and rolled to the shower area.

He followed Kili in and watched him lay out things for his shower. It was a large handicapped stall with a curtain. There was a drain both in and outside the shower to catch any stray water. The showerhead was on a long hose and had the lovely adjustable spray attachment. Bath necessities were laid out within reach and then Kili maneuvered into place and slid onto the bench.

“I thought you were going to join me,” he said looking up at Fili with a cheeky grin.

The blond had been so interested in what Kili was doing that he’d forgotten about undressing. He blushed slightly as he stripped. The brunet watched him with unabashed interest and then reluctantly turned his attention to getting the water the right temperature. He tested it on his hand and then turned it to hit Fili square in the chest.

“Hey!” He took the hose from Kili and doused him thoroughly, laughing as the water poured over the Irishman’s head, his wet hair flopping forward to obscure his face. Kili shook like a dog, spraying water and Fili was glad there was a drain outside the shower as well.

“I didn’t know this was going to turn into a water fight,” Fili laughed as he fought Kili for control of the showerhead.

“I haven’t been swimming in a year, so I take what I can get,” was the reply as the shower was deftly slid from the blond’s grasp.

Fili let himself be sprayed, enjoying the feel as the water streamed over his chest and down his legs. Kili had gone from clouds to rainbows, laughing merrily as he ran the spray up and down the Kiwi’s front. He leaned forward and pressed kisses into the long thin scar that ran up Fili’s belly to his navel. He would kiss it until it went away, or until neither of them noticed it anymore.

 

 

The blond regained custody of the showerhead and held it so that it rained down softly as Kili washed his mop of hair. Fili took the washcloth from the hanger and stepped over the bench to stand behind and wash Kili’s back. He let his fingers and the cloth linger as he worked in small slow circles, cleaning and massaging. He paused as he got to the small of the Irishman’s back and saw the long thick scar where they had gone in to try to repair the damage to his spine. Fili’s fingers, wrapped in the cloth, washed it gently. He slid the cloth from his hand, his fingertips tracing the scar from start to finish, learning it, trying to heal it.

“I can’t really see it,” Kili said. “Is it as ugly as my leg? No one will tell me.”

Fili knelt down on the tile and pressed a gentle kiss to it. “No, it’s not ugly. It’s a part of you and nothing about you could ever be ugly.”

“So, you won’t answer me, either,” Kili said with a sigh.

“I’m sorry. I just don’t think it’s that bad. It’s long and I guess it looks a lot like my long scar only it’s newer. It’s wider and it’s dark pink. It looks tons better than your leg. When it heals I think it will fade and not be very visible.” He paused. “I don’t know what else to say.”

He straddled the bench and sat down. “I think you are beautiful. Everyone has scars. Most of mine are on the inside. I think it would be easier if they were all like yours and on the outside.”

“You’re very philosophical,” Kili observed, taking Fili’s hand and squeezing it.

“That’s what therapy will do for you.” He grinned crookedly. “It broadens your mind and makes you spout rubbish.”

Kili pulled him into a hug. “Don’t stop talking. I love your accent.”

Fili’s eyebrow rose. “So, even if I’m talking trash it’s okay as long as I’m doing it with a New Zealand accent? You know I could say the same about you.” He grinned. “Read the phone book to me, baby, it turns me on.”

Kili sprayed him with the shower. “If that’s all it takes you are more hard-up than you’ve been letting on.”

“It’s just you, mate; the King of the Halfpipe. You come rolling into my life on two wheels and turn me arse over ears.” The blond kissed him tenderly. “But I think that right now we should finish this shower so you can throw me to the wolves…I mean, so I can meet your family.

Kili sprayed him again. “If that’s what you think of me, maybe I will just keep you here with me and hoard you like the bastard I am.”

Fili stood up and took the showerhead back. “Yup, you’re a right little bastard tempting me like that.” He put his hand on the hot water tap. “Do it again and I’ll cool you off.”

“Jaysus, I’ll behave, I promise. Now get over here in front of me and let me wash you.”

Fili had never been so clean. Kili paid far too much attention to a certain portion of his anatomy which, of course, responded accordingly. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the attention for a few moments until the heat began to coil and tighten. Reluctantly he stepped, back and Kili’s brows furrowed.

“Behave yourself. We don’t have time and if you do me I will want to do you and Bilbo’s dinner will be ruined and Thorin will send Dwalin after us.”

Kili’s eye pulled down into a frown and he sighed. “You’re right, damn it,” he conceded. “Now let me wash my butt and we can get out of here.”

Kili pulled the shower puff from the hook on the wall and soaped it up. Leaning to the side he very gently and thoroughly scrubbed one cheek then leaned over and did the other. “I have to take very good care of my arse because a pressure sore will put me in bed until it heals.”

Fili chuckled. “And a fine arse you have to care for. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Naw, I got it covered. You finish off and come on out. I’ll be on the bed drying my fine arse.” He transferred to the chair, sitting on the towel he’d folded over the cushion and wheeled out of the shower.

Fili watched him go and then turned the spray on himself to wash off the remaining soap. It was weird that the shower with Kili had seemed perfectly normal. He shook his head. No. Not weird, it was just the way things were and he was getting used to it. A tiny smile crept to the corners of his lips.

Kili was sitting on a thick towel on his bed drying his hair. It was straight, incredibly thick and a rich dark brown that shaded to mahogany in the light. It was a tousled mess, very different from Daniel’s carefully styled locks and Fili loved it.

He slid onto the bed behind Kili and took the towel from him. He sat kneading the damp hair, breathing in the fresh smell of the Irishman’s spicy shampoo. “Why don’t you let it grow out a little?”

“Do you think I should?” Kili was dubious. He’d had it this length for years. It had never occurred to him to let it grow longer.

“I think it would look fantastic. It’s so thick and gorgeous. I’d love to see you with your hair down your back.” He laid a kiss on Kili’s shoulder. “I’ll braid it for you.”

“Would you let yours grow if I do?”

Fili had never had long hair, but why not? “Sure, I could do that. I don’t know how good it will look, though.”

Kili reached up to pull him into an inverted kiss. “It’ll look awesome.”

They cuddled for a little while, with Kili leaning back against Fili’s chest, the Kiwi’s legs scissored around his hips. It was a comfortable position. They were both relaxed, Kili for the first time not conscious of his legs sprawled out uncovered on the spread. Fili’s hands slid over his chest, not really being sexual, just gently exploring and massaging.

“This is nice.” Kili snuggled back and slid his hands down Fili’s thighs to rest on his knees.

“Yeah, I could get used to this.” The blond heaved a sigh.

He looked around. “This is a nice flat you’ve got. It feels homey.”

“The rehab center helped me get it. When I first came out I was pretty lousy at life. They had someone come in three times a week to get me set up and train me on my appliances.” He smiled a little. “It sounds stupid to say it, but I was glad to have them come. I didn’t want my mom to have to do it all and it’s a really big difference between having classes in rehab and being in a real flat on your own. I’ve always been shite at budgeting and they taught me how to do that and how to shop so that I had the best diet. I’ve kinda been off it lately and have to get back to more fiber.” He ducked his head and looked so cute that Fili’s heart did a little flip. “I gotta be regular.”

Fili’s arms slid around him and pulled him tight. “You tell me what you need to eat and we will make it so.”

“Yes, my captain.”

The Kiwi gave him another squeeze and said, “I suppose we should start getting dressed.”

“Are you that eager to meet my family?”

“Uh...no...but I’m even less eager to be late and have Bilbo kill me. I figure I can handle Thorin, but I have the feeling that Bilbo would be serving my liver for the main course.”

Kili cocked his head. “Are you absolutely sure you haven’t met Bilbo?”

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s dinner with the family and the opportunity to meet Kili’s mother as well as his uncles Thorin and Bilbo. It’s a relief to find that Dwalin and Ori will be there. Fili is so nervous he’s wondering if he will be able to eat anything, but having a couple of familiar faces will be comforting. When it comes to meeting family for the first time everyone needs all the comfort they can get. 
> 
> Thank you for being so patient and waiting for this chapter and art. Sometimes real life gets in the way of fan life. I’m sure you’ll agree that Pabu’s magnificent art makes up for the wait.
> 
> And thank you so much, Featheredschist for the after-the-fact proofreading. You're a gem!

 

The drive to Bilbo and Thorin’s was a little tense. Fili was on edge and not talkative, but Kili was nervous enough to hold both sides of the conversation. He babbled about his uncle’s security business, repeating himself several times. Bilbo was not at all feminine but was the perfect partner for his uncle, being the day to his night. He had a backbone of steel and ran arguably the most popular food blog in the UK. He’d retired to blogging after he’d sold his very successful catering company when he was offered an obscene amount of money and laughed when he told everyone they were too cheap to buy his recipes, not that he would have sold them the real ones. Fili listened to him, filed the information away, laughed when appropriate and tried to ignore the foreboding feeling he had about the evening. It would go just fine. It had to.

The house was deceptive, low and traditional in front, then rising to a terraced second story. The weathered brick was draped heavily with ivy making it look as if it had grown rather than been built. It had been designed by a master architect to fit in with the countryside and looked as if it had stood here forever. Fili pulled into the drive and the car was barely stopped before Dis came out and opened Kili’s door. She looked at him and smiled reaching out to help him. Fili cringed a little he knew how much Kili hated being helped and coddled. With practiced ease, Kili allowed her to fuss over him and then looked up at Fili and rolled his eyes. The Kiwi did his best not to laugh. Parents were the same everywhere.

When he was seated in his chair, he turned to look at them. “Mum, this is Fili, I mean Philip Durinson. His friends call him Fili, isn’t that a coincidence?” He looked at the Kiwi as if he were a life raft. “And Fili, this is my mum, Dis Oakenshield.”

Dis took his extended hand and shook it without enthusiasm. She was polite, but distant, saving her smiles for her son. The love in her eyes when she looked at Kili was unmistakable.

A beautifully built ramp wound up to the porch, nearly disguised by foundation plantings, so that it blended into the design of the house. Kili went up it easily, but it was clear that his mother wanted to help. No wonder he’d chosen a wheelchair with no handles on it. He would have been chauffeured everywhere.

Thorin met them at the door and held it for them. Unlike Dis, he was warm and welcoming, his smile wide and genuine. Fili walked up to the tall man and held out his hand.

“I’m glad to meet you sir, I’m Philip Durinson, but most folks call me Fili." He smiled. "I know that's a bit of a coincidence.”

Thorin shook his hand firmly, but without challenge. “It’s Thorin, and I’m glad to meet you too, Fili. I’d love to say that Kili has told us all about you, but he’s been uncharacteristically quiet.”

Kili looked up, his brows pulling down to shadow his eyes. “You make it sound like I kept him a secret.”

His uncle chuckled. “You almost did.” He looked at Fili with his blue eyes twinkling. “I would think if you are dating someone this handsome you would be bragging about to anyone who’d listen.”

The blond felt his face catch fire and knew he was blushing furiously. Damn, being light complected, he never could hide embarrassment.

Dis cleared her throat. “Why don’t we go on into the living room and get comfortable?”

Thorin nodded at his sister, giving the men a wink after she’d turned her back. “What a splendid idea.”

He ushered them in and walked over to the side table that was set with an array of liquor bottles. “I know you will have gimlet, Dis. Will you two gentlemen join me in a glass? I just purchased a bottle of Glenlivet Archive. Shall we see if it I lives up to its reputation?”

One nice thing about visiting Thorin was top shelf booze. He never bought anything but the very best. Kili who’d been drinking beer and cheap whiskey had been gifted with a bottle of Glenfiddich Rich Oak single malt on his 18th birthday and had never looked back.

Kili wheeled over to the bar and grinned. “I’d very much like to join you.” He looked over at Fili, who also walked over. “I’ve never even asked if you drink whiskey.”

“I do, on occasion and when that occasion arises, I very much appreciate a good single malt scotch.” He smiled and tried his best to look urbane. He didn’t do too badly at it.

Thorin brought the glass to Dis. “There you go. Hopefully I’ve put the right amount of lime into it.”

She took a sip and smiled. “If you ever leave security you could do quite well as a bartender, or maybe one of those fancy baristas.” Her eyes were sparkling as she teased her brother.

Thorin, used to her puckish sense of humor, winked at her and then turned his attention to Fili.

“So,” said Thorin smoothly as he sipped at his whiskey, “you’re an artist.”

Kili cleared this throat. “Cut the bullshit, Thorin. We all know that you know everything about Fili except maybe the number of freckles on his arse and you might know those too by now.”

Dis nearly choked on her drink, but Thorin threw his head back and his booming laugh filled the room. “Outed by my own nephew.” He laughed again.

He set his drink down and approached Fili. He reached out for another handshake. Bemused, Fili took his hand and felt it gripped more tightly. The other hand was laid over it so that his hand was engulfed.

“I should have known that Killian would not let me get away with anything.” He released Fili’s hand and smiled down at him. “I do know a great deal about you, but the most important thing is that Kili has brought you over to meet the family. This is a first. That he trusts you this much says more than any investigation I could mount.”

“Killian?” Fili said softly. He Looked over at Kili who shrugged. He looked back up at Thorin and smiled. “I hope to be proven worthy of that trust.”

“Well, if ya aren’t they’ll be one more corpse at the bottom of the Irish Sea.”

The rich Scottish brogue immediately identified the speaker. Dwalin came into the room followed by Ori, who was shaking his head and laughing.

“You two are going to scare the lad right back to New Zealand.” He came around Dwalin and pulled a surprised Fili into a hug. “Has the great bear been terrorizing you?”

Fili grinned and stepped back. “Not at all. He’s welcomed me, complimented me and given me good whiskey. No man could want more.”

“That’s good to know. It looks like Bilbo and the Lady Dis are finally rubbing off on him.

He left Fili to go over and greet Dis in a less enthusiastic manner. Her smile warmed for Ori and she stood up and joined the gathering. Handing her glass to Thorin for a refill she hugged Dwalin rather stiffly. “You’ve been a stranger lately.”

He handed her the refilled drink and accepted his own. “I’ve been working double shifts. They are short a man and we need the money.”

“Do you still have your eye on that vintage cycle?” She asked between sips.

Dwalin shook his head. “I’ve still got my eye on it, but that’s about it. Me and Ori have been talkin’ about maybe buyin’ a little place out a ways where we don’t wake every morning to the sound of traffic.”

“We’re going to go up to Glasgow, have a wee bit of a ceremony and then come back all legal," Ori announced. “Still won’t be married here, but near enough and it’ll be legal soon. You know the Irish aren’t about to let the Scots beat them at anything.”

Dis’ lips thinned, but Thorin chuckled, his voice deep and as rich as the scotch in his tumbler. Looking at Dwalin he said,  “So you’re finally going to make an honest man out of Ori?”

“And high time too, I might add,” Kili stated.

  
He was about to raise his glass when a voice in the doorway asked, “What is about time?”

Kili turned and smiled at him. “That Dwalin and Ori got married.”

“Oh that’s way overdue.” Bilbo laughed then came into the room and stood next to Thorin. The larger man immediately reached out for him as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Bilbo accepted the brief hug and a tumbler of whiskey. He took a sip, made a bit of a face and then smiled widely. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the taste of scotch.”

“But that doesn’t stop you from trying,” Thorin teased.

“True. I need fortification before and after preparing a meal for you lot.” Bilbo looked at all of them with a challenge in his eyes and polished off the tumbler.

Everyone laughed and relaxed. Fili was impressed at how easily the Englishman had lowered the tension in the room just by arriving and smiling.

Fili looked at him and he looked at Fili. And then he smiled. He was the yang to Thorin’s yin. Honey-dark curls framed his face and his golden eyes were sparkling with amusement and good will. It was a face that you could not imagine angry or sad. A dot of flour graced his cheek and Thorin stepped forward to whisk it away with a tiny kiss.

Thorin turned and smiled at Fili. “This is Kili’s guest, Philip Durinson.”

Fili extended his hand. “Please, call me Fili.”

Bilbo shook his hand warmly. “Fili to our Kili. I’m sure there is something to that coincidence. I’m so pleased that you agreed to come.”

The blond chuckled, “It’s not like I was given much of a choice.” He looked over at Kili who was pretending to be far too interested in the whiskey that was left in his glass.

“Yes, Kili can be a bit stubborn. Not that he’d ever admit it.” He walked over and planted a kiss on the top of his nephew’s head earning him a squall of protest. “He’s also a spoiled brat who is used to getting his way.”

“Bilbo!” Kili protested, squirming away from the kiss and the accusation. He wasn’t angry and Fili could see that this was an old game between the two of them: the doting uncle and the nephew who adored him.

The dynamics were easy to interpret, the two gay couples, the gay nephew who adored them all and then there was Dis. She obviously loved everyone there, but did not share the ease with which they mingled as couples. She was the odd man out, so to speak, the straight wheel on a very gay cart.

Kili had noticed her tension. He wasn’t sure what to do about it. He’d never seen her like this before. When Thorin had finally come out their father had hated it and him. It had torn the family apart. He'd tried to be there for her, but it was hard when he was banned. He never gave up on her. Kili had always thought she was okay with it and his relationship with Bilbo who was such a part of the family that no one could imagine Thorin without him. Dwalin was newer to the scene but he and Ori fit equally well. It wasn’t even about being gay with them; it was about having found your other half. He’d always felt sad that she’d never found her other half.

There was a soft ding and Bilbo handed his glass to Thorin. “Dinner’s ready. Give me a couple of minutes to get things set and then come on in.” He went back down the hall with Ori behind him.

Dwalin turned to Fili. “What kind of art do you do?”

“Depends on the medium,” Fili replied, trying to sound casual. “On canvas I do mostly impressionism, but once in a while I do something realistic. With my camera I try to capture the moment, whatever that moment is.” He warmed to the subject. “No matter how quickly you paint, it’s always artificial, but a photo is one tiny slice of time captured forever like an insect in amber. It’s pure and beautiful and real.”

Dis smiled. “What a lovely description. I never thought of it that way.”

Dwalin looked at Fili as if seeing him for the first time. “I think you might have a bit of the poet as well.”

Kili laughed and rolled up to put his arm around Fili’s waist. “He’s at least part Irish so it comes with the territory.

“Says someone who tried to get me to write his literary assignments for him,” Thorin teased.

Kili, always the mature adult, stuck his tongue out at his uncle and went back to peering happily up at Fili. “He wants to explore historic Dublin.”

“Well, we have some lovely old places that will photograph well,” Dis replied.

“Yeah, but too many are not accessible. I guess they didn’t have many wheelchairs in the good old days.” Kili gave his wheel a thump with the heel of his hand.

Fili leaned down and hugged him. “We’ll manage.” He was about to continue when Ori popped his head in and announced dinner.

Thorin led the way into the dining room and seated everyone. He was at one end of the table and Dis at the other. Kili and then Fili were at Dis’ right. They took their chairs quietly. No sooner were they seated than Bilbo appeared bearing a china soup tureen decorated with shamrocks and thistles. Ori brought in matching bowls, each of which contained a chunk of toasted bread.

“I don’t often get to cook for so many,” Bilibo said as he uncovered the tureen. “So I thought I’d try out some new recipes. This is Guinness and onion soup.”

They all looked at him in surprise. Thorin was the first to dig in. His doubtful expression slowly slid into the look of a man having sex…good sex. His one and only statement, “Amazing…”

The rest of them hurriedly fell to and soon the sound of slurping and sighing filled the dining room. Fili had the feeling that when food was present, conversation with the this family came in a distant second. Bilbo sat and quickly ate his bowl, then removed the tureen before anyone had a chance to grab seconds. There were some disappointed comments, but he smiled and said, “You have to save room, boys.”

Ori joined him in the kitchen and the two of them carried out the most amazing feast. Fili endeared himself to Bilbo by asking about every dish and asking for seconds. He found the menu consisted of roast chicken with lemon and oregano, honey glazed carrots, twice-baked potatoes with cheddar and chives and Cheddar-Chive Biscuits. The latter confused him with texture and name.

Bilbo laughed and told him that “biscuit bread” was an American invention, one he liked enough to “snitch.” Fili didn’t care what they called the hot cheddery rounds; he ate three and would have had another if it hadn’t been snatched from under his questing fingers by a determined Kili.

He’d been right; conversation during the meal had trickled off to nothing. They were indeed serious eaters. Wine was poured and the only conversation was compliments to the chef and request for serving plates to be passed around again.

When dinner was finished, Fili rose to help clear the table, but Bilbo would not hear of it. “You stay here and keep Kili away from my kitchen.”

The brunet rolled his eyes. “I tried to help once and dropped a dozen eggs. Since then Bilbo is firmly convinced that I’m an agent of destruction.”

“Doesn’t he know you do your own cooking? I haven’t seen you set the kitchen on fire yet?” Fili asked softly.

Dis laughed. “Bilbo’s kitchen is his sanctum. Only Ori is allowed out there. Even poor Thorin has to sneak in when he wants a snack.”

They all looked at Thorin who smiled weakly and shrugged. “He stays out of my office and I stay out of his kitchen. It’s only fair.”

Dwalin shook his head. “You two are so stereotypical that it’s scary.”

Thorin bridled at the suggestion. “We are not! Cooking is Bilbo’s hobby. He wouldn’t muck about with my hobby.”

“If you had one,” Kili teased. “You two are perfect together and you know it. I can’t imagine you any different, can you, mum?”

Dis smiled and shook her head, but Fili could tell that she wasn’t really at ease with the situation. She reminded him of his father, accepting on the surface, but not so much underneath. He looked from her to her son. They looked very much alike, but were so very different. He wondered how much a disappointment Kili being gay was to her.

Ori appeared with coffee and allowed Dwalin to oversee the serving. They were the most unlikely pairing ever with Ori’s gentle fussiness and Dwalin’s outlaw biker demeanor, but underneath Fili sensed that the smaller man was made of steel while Dwalin was tender and caring. Kili said he was a bang on paramedic who had gotten steady promotions until he was offered a position that took him out of the field and into the office. There he stopped. He told them he belonged in the trenches where he was happiest.

Apparently he had not caught the call for Kili’s accident, but had risked censure or worse by heading for the hospital anyway and make himself both useful and a pain in the arse by overseeing Kili’s care. The lad was as much his nephew as Thorin’s, by heart, if not by blood.

Dessert arrived with no little fanfare. On each plate was a huge chocolate bomb topped by what Bilbo announced as “salted caramel cream topping.”

Kili dug into his with a shout of glee, Thorin did so with less noise but the same enthusiasm and Dwalin looked as if he wanted to marry the one in front of him. Fili looked at his for a moment hesitant to destroy the artfully draped caramel, but some things you just can’t resist, so he dug his fork in and was pleasantly surprised when thick chocolate filling spilled out to join the caramel. This was going to be better than sex.

Several incredible bites later he decided that it may not be better than sex, but it was right up there. He didn’t know what was better, eating or watching Kili. One of the things he liked best about the Irishman was his joy. He threw himself headlong into whatever he was doing and appreciated the moment. The thought made his heart twist just a little as it occurred to him that he would never see Kili on his bike chasing the wind, taking those risky leaps into the air and cheering himself as he stuck the landing. He was like a bird with an injured wing, walking just fine, but longing for the skies. Fili heaved a sigh and turned his attention back to his dessert. Somehow it no longer seemed as sweet.

“So, how did you two meet?”

It took Fili a moment to realize that Thorin had spoken to him. He looked up and said, “I’m…uh…I…” He knew he was blushing and his voice trailed off.

Dwalin laughed. “He doesn’t want to say that he picked Kili up in a bar.”

Thorin and Bilbo laughed. Dis smiled weakly and took a sip of her coffee. Kili shot her a look, but she ignored him.

Kili spoke up in Fili’s defense. “He didn’t exactly pick me up, He was a gentleman and asked for a dance. Dwalin and Ori were there. The four of us talked and we exchanged phone numbers at the end of the night.”

“Did it bother you that he was in a wheelchair?” The question was polite, but Fili could feel that Dis was challenging him in some way.

“Well, I didn’t notice when I came over to ask for a dance since he was sitting in the back, but, no it didn’t bother me. My cousin’s in a chair and he dances, so we just had a good time.” Fili met her eyes, trying to be calm and show her how much her son meant to him.

“I didn’t know about your cousin,” Ori said smiling. “Has he been in a chair long?”

Fili shrugged. “As long as I can remember. He’s married with a couple of kids and has as normal a life as anyone else. I don’t see him all that often as he lives in the South Island, but he’s always happy. He owns his own business and does quite well.”

Thorin’s expression was mild but his voice was steel. “I’m sure you can appreciate that we’re a little protective of Kili.” He ignored his nephew’s cry of protest. “We almost lost him and we want the best for him.”

Fili turned to face Thorin. “I do appreciate that. I think it would worry me if you weren’t protective of him. I don’t know that I’m the best thing for him, but I do care for him very much and I promise never to deliberately hurt him. We’re still figuring things out. We aren’t rushing anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

The larger man nodded, appeased. This was what he’d hoped to hear. As long as they took it slow it was fine with him. They were both adults and they’d find their own way. His investigation had shown some worrisome things in Fili’s past, but it had been mostly centered around his ex-partner. As near as the deepest digging had revealed, Fili himself, was a decent person. That was all Thorin could hope for. The rest was up to his nephew.

Bilbo looked at them with the sweetest expression. “So you two are exclusive?”

“Yeah. Yeah we are,” Kili replied, a little embarrassed by the question.

“Ah, that’s good. You can’t work on a relationship if you aren’t.” He looked fondly at Thorin. “I remember when your uncle first asked me out. I wondered why he would choose me when he could have anyone. It took me a long time to understand that sometimes you just know when someone is perfect for you.”

Thorin smiled and Fili would have sworn that he was blushing. He took Bilbo’s hand and held it gently. “I never questioned. The moment I met you, I just knew. And you know I’m never wrong,” he finished with a wry teasing little smile.

The look on Bilbo’s face was beatific.

Dwalin coughed and Ori slugged him in the shoulder.

“Hey!”

“Don’t spoil the moment ya bloody great sod.”

Dwalin looked properly chastened causing Ori to lean over and kiss his scruffy cheek.

Fili sat there playing with the last of his dessert. The love around him was amazing. He didn’t know for sure what he felt for Kili. The Irishman was incredibly handsome, with a naturally sweet jovial personality. The wheelchair wasn’t an issue, but the fact that he had never been in a relationship was. He stole a sideways glance at Kili who was grinning happily at his uncles. Was he ready to take on someone who had no idea how to be a partner and maybe no idea how to be faithful? He honestly didn’t know if he was up for having his heart ripped out again.

His therapist said he had “trust issues.” “No kidding,” he’d responded. It wasn’t just Daniel, it was a series of betrayals over the years from friends who found he was gay and never spoke to him again to his father telling him that he “should have died” when he’d been shot. His mother had leaped to his defense and over the years his dad had more or less come around, but he would see that ugly scene in his head until the day he died. More than once he’d agreed with his father. If his life had ended there in the ocean he would have been spared so much pain. He poked the bomb again as if expecting it to detonate. He looked over at Kili who smiled at him with every molecule of his being, eyes sparkling, teeth flashing inviting him to be part of the joy of the day. Yeah, it was time to go back to a therapist.

He looked up and met Dis’ eyes. Like her brother’s they were sapphire blue, but now her’s were so dark they looked nearly black. She gave him a long hard look and then turned to her son.

“Killian, are you sure this is what you want?” her voice was soft but Fili could hear the pain in it. “Think of all you will lose. Don’t you want a family…babies?”

Oblivious to the subtext in his mother’s question he smiled at her. “Don’t worry mum, I can still ejaculate. We’ll have babies. We’ll find a surrogate or two and…”

Dis almost exploded out of her seat. “Killian Duran, there will be no talk like that at this table!”

Kili’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. “I just meant I can have my own babies, I can…”

“I know what you meant and I know how you found out.” Her voice cut like a scalpel cleaving her son to the bone. “I won’t hear this kind of talk. I won’!”

Thorin rose and faced her. He was calm, but his eyes were troubled. “Dis, this is not the place…”

“Where _is_ the place?” She shot back, at Thorin. “Every time I try to talk to you, I am shut out.” She looked at Bilbo who appeared to be the most calm of anyone at the table. “I am _not_ okay with you living with a man…bedding a man. It’s against everything we were brought up to believe in.”

Kili was mortified that she had attacked Thorin and Bilbo. He faced her, his features a combination of angry and afraid. “You’ve known I was gay since I was sixteen, why do you pick now to start a fight over it?” Kili was so upset that his eyes shimmered with tears.

She looked at him angrily, but she could not hold the expression. It softened into sorrow. “I told myself it was a phase. You’d outgrow it. You’ve never stayed with anyone before. I hoped you were experimenting.”

She looked at Fili and he dropped his head in shame. If not for him, there would be no harsh words and maybe she and Kili could have worked it out in time. But she could not bear to have it thrown into her face. She thought she could, or she would not have invited him for dinner, but the pain was too great.

Kili reached out and took Fili’s hand, holding it so tightly that his knuckles ached with the pressure. He had never seen his mother act like this. She’d always seemed so happy for his uncles and accepting of Dwalin and Ori. He remembered a trip to the priest when he came out to her. It had been a long and painful experience as he was told his immortal soul was in peril and that he must renounce his sin. Instead of showing him the way, all the old priest did was drive him away from the church. Being a cocky teenager he’d engaged him with facts that overwhelmed dogma. When he’d left his mother had been in tears. He’d tried talking to her now and again over the years, but she’d appeared to have accepted the fact that he was gay and that way not going to change in spite of what a religion he didn’t believe in had to say.

“I thought I’d lost you, Kili,” she said, tears running freely down her face. “I prayed, I bargained, until there was nothing left.”

Ori and Dwalin slipped from the table and beckoned Fili to join them. Along with Bilbo they went through the kitchen and out onto the back porch. The four of them stood together, arms holding, a handkerchief came to Fili’s rescue and they waited.

“I can’t risk you again,” Dis continued. “I _wont_!”

Kili was growing impatient with his mother. He looked at Thorin, but his uncle was standing stock still watching his sister.

“I’m not going to die, mum. The doctor said my kind of injury won’t prevent me from having a normal lifespan,” Kili said leaning forward imploring her to listen to reason.

She glared at him, twisting her napkin in her hands. “What about AIDS? What happens if you get that? Is it really worth the risk just for some sex?”

Her son took a breath and then let it out in a whoosh. “I’m not going to get AIDS. I’m careful. I know how to protect myself.”

“What if you’re not careful enough? What then?”

Thorin raised his hand. “He’s an adult, Dis. He knows what he is and what he wants. He knows how to protect himself. I’ve taught him…”

“You! You’ve taught him!” She turned to face Thorin. “You and your talks. You were supposed to make him understand instead you trained him to be one of you.”

“For the love of god Dis, listen to yourself. You sound like our father. He drove me out. He drove Frerin out. His hatred is what got our brother killed. Frer wouldn’t have joined the Army if he’d had any place else to go. Don’t you understand what you’re saying?”

Dis stopped dead. “Frerin wasn’t gay.” Her glare challenged Thorin to disagree.

“No, he wasn’t, but he couldn’t stand to listen to what I was being put through. I begged him not to join, but he said he had to get away.”

“Your being gay is what killed Frerin!” Dis’ voice lashed out cutting her brother’s heart in two. “Murderer!”

Thorin looked stricken. He looked at Kili and whispered, “I’m so sorry,” before leaving the room.

Kili watched him go and then took a deep breath. He turned his chair and rolled closer to his mother. She towered over him, but he didn’t let that sway him.

“Are you happy now, mother? You have driven everyone out of the room, the same way you drove them out of your life. Thorin has always loved you and tried to include you, but you’ve chosen to blame him for something that is no one’s fault.”

His eyes were dark, his brows pulled low and he faced her fearlessly. “I’ve sent you the studies. Homosexuality appears to have a genetic component. Like hair and eye color it is determined during pregnancy. It’s not something that anyone chooses.” He looked up at her. “For Christ’s sake, mum, who would choose to be hated by so many people?”

“Watch your mouth and don’t blaspheme,” she replied icily.

“Oh I can’t blaspheme, but you can tell me that according to you church I am the scum of the earth and doomed to burn for my sins.” She started to say something, but he cut her off. “I’ve heard it all and I call bullshit! Pope Francis said in public ‘If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?’”

“How dare you bring up the Pope!”

“How dare you _not_?”

Kili was furious, but it felt as if his heart was being torn out of his chest. “You’re my _mother_ , you’re supposed to love me no matter what.” The tears in his eyes overflowed and he brushed them away angrily. “You are judging me when your own Pope doesn’t.”

He waved his arm toward the kitchen. “You’re judging your brother just like Grandfather did. You’re driving him away. You’re accused him of murdering his brother. That’s insane. It’s the hatred that Grandfather had for Thorin that killed Frerin. Bilbo is the best thing that ever happened to him. And Dwalin and Ori have never been anything except good to you. I didn’t see any of your precious church people coming over when you broke your arm, but they were there, cooking and cleaning and making sure you were comfortable.”

“Don’t you dare try to tell me what happened in my family. I saw how it tore us apart. All Thorin had to do was to stop being that way.” Her face had gone from rage to despair. “Instead he chose that life and look what it did to all of us. Look what it did!”

Kili shoved hard on his wheels, willing his body to stand but it could not obey. “It’s NOT a choice! Can’t you get that through your head? It’s not a fucking choice? It’s the way I was born. It’s the way Thorin was born. Your prejudice and your church can’t change that. Thorin and Bilbo have a good life and that life is together.”

He slammed his hand down on the table so hard his wine glass tipped over, staining the tablecloth like blood. He looked at it for a moment and then back at her. He was so upset he could barely speak.

“I can’t believe you invited Fili here and then act like this!”

Anger took Dis over again. She crushed her napkin in her hand and pointed it at him. “I thought I could bear it, but I can’t. I can’t think of you two doing things together.” She looked as if she wanted to come across the table and slap him.

Kili’s soul crumbled. He looked into her eyes and realized that the mother who had always loved him couldn’t stand the sight of him. He disgusted her. He wanted to say more, but he couldn’t. His throat closed and he could barely breathe.

He spun his chair and shoved it into the kitchen. He started to go through the back door to the porch, but the door was too narrow and his wheels caught. Before anyone could help him, Kili lashed out and pounded his fists against the doorframe. He hit over and over until Fili reached him and grabbed his wrists.

“Please stop,” Fili begged. “Don’t hurt yourself any more.” Kili fought him for a moment, still needing to lash out and then sagged, his arms falling limp.

The sides of the door were streaked with blood. He’d cut his hands and blood trickled down thickly to smear Fili’s hands. The blond pressed one battered hand to his lips and Kili reached to cup his cheek, smearing him with blood. He hadn’t known he was bleeding until then. The sight of the smear of red nearly broke what was left of his heart.

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” He pulled his hand back and folded in on himself curling up in the chair, hands pressed to his chest and head bowed as he sobbed.

Kili allowed himself to be pushed backward into the kitchen. Dwalin sprang forward, grabbed paper towels, wet them with cold water and pressed them against Kili’s hands to stop the bleeding. Taking a clean kitchen towel from Bilbo he knelt next to his nephew, gently taking his hands to inspect and clean them. Bilbo left and returned with ointment and some bandages left from when he cut himself carving stew meat.

Ori was shaking like a leaf, but he tore off some towels wet them to hand to Fili to clean his face and hands. His huge eyes were full of tears and he looked up at the Kiwi and asked, “Why?” Fili shook his head. He gathered Ori against his chest. He had no answers and doubted that he ever would.

Thorin went into the dining room and returned a few minutes later his face drawn and sad. He knelt next to Kili and gathered his nephew into his arms. “My poor boy. I’m so sorry.” He pressed a kiss into Kili’s tangle of hair. “I wouldn’t have had this happen to you for the world.”

 

He continued to hold him, letting Kili cry it out against his broad shoulder. Fili knelt on his other side tenderly holding a bandaged hand. Not knowing what else to do Dwalin drew Ori close and held him as if by doing so he could protect him from all the cruelty in the world.

At last Kili’s sobs turned to sniffles and then to a heavy sigh. He raised his head and gave his uncle a soggy smile that only reached the corners of his mouth. “I’m sorry I got snot on you.”

In spite of himself Thorin chuckled. “I’ve had worse. I’m not fussed about it. I’m more concerned with you.” He brushed Kili’s hair out of his eyes. “If I had any idea she had all that brewing I would never have invited everyone to dinner.”

He looked over at Fili. “I deeply apologize for this evening. I didn’t mean to set you up.”

The blond looked at him and nodded. “I know you wouldn’t. Kili speaks very highly of you and Bilbo. You’ve been wonderful role models for him.” He looked at Bilbo and tried to smile. ”Thank you for the marvelous dinner. You really are the most amazing cook.”

Bilbo came over and knelt next to Fili. He slid his arm around the Kiwi in a hug. “You are welcome back any time.”

Fili leaned against him, grateful for the comfort. He was feeling shaky with all the memories of his father flooding back. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry himself to sleep, but he didn’t have that luxury. He had to be there for Kili. His poor battered Kili who deserved none of the abuse his mother had just heaped on him. He understood her fears, but he didn’t understand her taking them out on the child she so obviously loved.

When Fili’s legs started to cramp he stood and Bilbo stood with him. He looked at the older man and hugged him again. “Thanks.”

Bilbo nodded. “Don’t run off, I have some things for you to take back with you. I made extra dessert because Kili loves chocolate so much. Maybe tomorrow when he’s up to it a bit of cake might make him feel better.”

Fili couldn’t help but chuckle. “I suspect you’re right. He’ll be miserable, but hungry.”

Kili looked up at them both. “Stop talking about me like I’m not here.”

“We’re talking about chocolate, you git,” Bilbo teased, desperate to lighten the mood.

He heaved a tired sigh and tried to smile. “That’s good. I wanna puke now, but chocolate later. Yeah, that’s gonna be good.”

Thorin looked a little worried. “Are you feeling ill?”

Kili shook his head slowly. “No, I think I can hold it down. I’m tired and dizzy.”

He started to roll his chair and winced when his batter palms pressed against the wheels. “I think I fucked up.”

Dwalin shook his head. “I think you fucked up too. I’ll be by tomorrow to look at those hands. I don’t think you did much real damage, but you have some bruises and swelling. When you get home put an icepack on those hands, or ice cubes rolled into a towel to get the swelling down. Fucking Irish temper got you good this time.”

Kili looked sad. “It was either the door or Mum’s head. Of the two I’d say her head is harder.”

Thorin laughed. “Definitely harder and infinitely thicker.” He cocked his head and his nephew smiled a tiny bit. “We’ll work through it. I dare say that by tomorrow she is going to have cooled off and want to talk things out.”

“Maybe she will but I won’t.” He too a deep breath and then let it out, sounding as if it had all the weight in the world was on him.

Bilbo tapped Dwalin on the shoulder and handed him two damp washcloths filled with crushed ice. The Scotsman smiled at him, “Whatever would we do without ya, Billy?”

The smaller man laid a towel across Kili’s lap and looked at him, his golden eyes sad. “Don’t blame yourself. None of this was your fault. I should have known. I’ve seen her give me the odd hard look now and again, but I thought it was just a woman being critical of my cooking or cleaning, or me saying something that rubbed her the wrong way. We don’t see what we don’t want to see. Let Dwalin tend to your hands.”

Kili nodded and tried to look grateful. He loved Bilbo as much as he loved his real uncle. It seemed as if they had always been a couple. They were so perfect together. How could that possibly be wrong? He just didn’t understand.

Dwalin carefully packed his hands in the ice-filled washcloths. “This will help with the pain. Do you have your pain meds with you?” He knew that Kili used to carry them every place he went.

“They’re in my backpack,” he replied softly.

Almost before he’d finished speaking Bilbo was beside them with a glass of cold water that had a straw. It was the blue twisty one from the Funderland traveling amusement park. Kili remembered begging for it and the clown cup it came with when he was little. He couldn’t believe they still had it. Just using it to take his pill made him feel a tiny bit better.

He sat for a long minute looking at his hands bound in the improvised icepacks. Life was so much simpler when he was seven and begging his indulgent uncles for treats at an amusement park.

Reluctantly he looked up and quietly asked, “Could I get some help moving here since I’m such a dumbarse?”

Fili placed his hands on Kili’s shoulders and started to push him. Kili leaned back looking at him upside down. “Could we go to your place? I don’t want to be alone.”

The Kiwi leaned down and kissed him. “I was thinking the same thing myself. I think we could both use a hug.”

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The calm after the storm. 
> 
> The wounds are raw and hearts are broken, what can one New Zealander do to combat such destruction. The only thing he can do is hold on tight and care with every bit of passion in his body. Fortunately Fili is very very good at doing this.

The drive back to Fili’s loft was made in silence. Thorin had lifted Kili into the car and Fili knew that he’d have to help him out. The Irishman’s hands were aching and he held them cradled in his lap. The blond stole a look and saw that Kili was still weeping softly, his tears unheeded as they rolled down his face to drip from his chin onto the bandages. He drove slowly and carefully so he wouldn’t jostle his passenger. It was hard to keep his eyes on the road and he found himself looking over every few seconds. Fortunately traffic was light and they made it back to his loft safely.

Kili allowed himself to be lifted out of the car, moving only enough to help keep his balance. Gone was the furious independence. There was no room for pride right now. Every molecule of his being was overflowing with sorrow. For tonight, he’d given up. Fili was positive that as soon as his heart stopped breaking he’d be back to hating being cared for, but for right now, it was what he needed.

It took both of them to get Kili on and off the toilet, no shame, just soft words and tender kisses. He brushed his teeth with a spare toothbrush Fili had prepared, letting Fili help with that too. He then allowed himself to be lifted into bed, lying passively as his pants and briefs were removed and pyjama bottoms slid on. Kili remained was silent and unresponsive as Fili positioned his legs. The Kiwi had the odd thought that if he’d decided to paint the Irishman blue there would have been no objection. Kili was so drained that he was running on instinct, his brain having shut down an hour ago. Right now he just didn’t care about anything. It was terrifying to see.

Fili crawled into bed next to him, turned out the light, pulled the covers over him and gathered Kili into his arms. Kili was absolutely boneless. He kept his arms and hands pressed against his chest in the fetal position as if by doing so he could protect his heart. He stared at the ceiling, seeing nothing. The blond kissed him tenderly and brushed his hair back from his face.

“I’m not going to tell you that it’s going to be okay. You won’t ever forget this night, but in time you will forgive and understand,” he whispered.

Kili shook his head; his only sound occasional gulps of air.

“I’ve been through it too, so many of us have. We do come out the other side alive, honest we do.”

Again the headshake and a tiny tight sob. Fili held him and soothed him, running gentle fingers through his hair to trail whisper light over his shoulder and arm. Eventually exhaustion won and Kili drifted off to sleep. Every time Fili tried to move there was a soft whimper of protest so he resigned himself to sleeping curled against his Kili, keeping him safe in his arms.

At half after four Kili woke in tears and it took Fili a few moments to discern that the pain in his hands had awakened him. The blond quickly slid out of bed and came back with a glass of milk, a couple of Angel Slices and more pain meds. He had the hall light on and the door nearly shut so that the light wouldn’t blind Kili.

“No, don’t want it,” he whispered sounding like a small child.

The blond laid a hand tenderly on Kili’s arm. “You’ll feel better if you take your pain pill. You can get back to sleep. It’s not even 5am. I’ve got Angel Slices. Please eat one so your pill won’t make you sick.”

Kili opened one eye and looked up at him. There were dark circles under his eyes and they were bloodshot. He blinked and then rolled over, a tiny whimper escaping as he forgot about his hands and used them to try to sit up.

Fili quickly slid his arm and then his body behind him to prop him up. “Your hands are munted, babe.”

Kili looked puzzled and then nodded. “If by that you mean fucked, yeah, they are. I’m an idiot.” He looked at his hands and blinked. “Next time I’ll use something heavy.”

“There won’t be a next time.” He unwrapped a cake and handed it to Kili who took it clumsily. His hands were swollen and stiff and crumbs dribbled down his chest. “Sorry…”

Fili kissed his forehead. “No worries, mate, I’ve got it.” He scooped the crumbs up and popped them in his mouth, making the Irishman’s expression lighten a little.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” Kili whispered as he leaned in for a kiss. “But I’m glad I did it.”

They sat there for a few minutes, Kili with his eyes shut just resting against Fili’s chest, drawing strength from the older man. When he nodded off and wobbled a little, the Kiwi slowly let him down, turning his hips and legs for him so that he wouldn’t be lying in the same position all night. Spooning against him, Fili laid a protective arm around Kili and drifted back to sleep. His dreams were not peaceful, his mind replaying dinner and embellishing it. He didn’t wake, but in his sleep he pulled Kili even closer.

Fili woke first and lay still, Kili still curled on an arm that had lost feeling hours ago. He felt as if he’d been in a battle. He remembered some of his dreams. They had all involved rescue of some sort. The last one he’d desperately tried to hold a door shut against an assault by some unknown danger. Last night had been a nightmare. That couldn’t possibly have happened. Kili would roll over and smile at him and the world would be good and whole again. He looked at the Irishman sleeping curled up and stiff, long lashes hiding the dark circles, cheeks pale making him look like an abandoned waif.

It was like reliving the night with his father. At least Kili had the cold comfort of knowing that his mother loved him. Fili would never forget the look on his father’s face. It was a mixture of contempt and disgust. There was no love there, just revulsion. Until then he hadn’t known how strongly his father felt about homosexuality. If he had, he would never have come out anticipating acceptance.

He’d been so naive thinking that his parents were different and that their love really had been unconditional. Their rejection of him had thrown him right at Daniel and their relations had gone from bad to worse as Daniel quietly separated Fili from his family and then his friends. It was only in the last year, with the help of his therapist, that he’d made contact again.

He lifted his arm so that he could wipe his eyes. His father had at least shaken his hand when he came to say goodbye before leaving for London. His mother had cried and hugged him, giving him hope. His father looked older than he remembered and tired. He wanted to hug him, but couldn’t make himself reach out. His older brother was nowhere to be seen.

He felt Kili stir and held still in case he was just shifting in his sleep. The Irishman opened his eyes and blinked sleepily. “You awake?”

“Yeah, but it’s still kind of early. Go back to sleep.” Fili leaned over and kissed his nose. There was no response.

“I don’t want to. I don’t like my dreams. I…I need to turn over.” His voice was soft and ragged from all the tears last night.

“Of course,” Fili answered. “Here, let me help you.” He got up and moved Kili’s hips and legs so that he could lie on his back.

“I can do that,” came the quiet protest, in spite of the fact that he’d made no move to help.

“Of course you can, but indulge me. I’m in the mood to spoil you a little.” Fili slid his arm under Kili’s neck and drew him in for a kiss. “I won’t get to do this very often, so you might as well enjoy it.”

“No shit, but I’m so tired.” He reached out to hug the Kiwi, but his hand fell short. He winced as his hand bumped Fili’s shoulder. “Forgot. Shit. Fuck. I’m such an arsehole.” He pulled his hand back and laid it carefully on his chest.

 

 

He lay in silence and then drew in a long shuddering breath. “I wish I’d died.”

That cut Fili to the bone. He pulled him closer. “Don’t talk like that. Don’t even think it. Your mother loves you, she’s just a little crazy right now.”

“I think she’s a lot crazy.”

“Well, yeah, I guess I can’t argue that. She’s so confused about what she feels she’s just talking without thinking who she’s hurting. She’s a gun without a safety on right now, or at least she was last night. I doubt she’s in any better shape than you are this morning.”

“Probably not,” Kili replied. “But she earned it. I never lied to her, or pretended.” A sob tangled his words and he had to stop for a minute. “She’s the one who lied and pretended she was okay with it.”

He looked up at Fili, eyes shining with unshed tears. “Why did she lie to me all these years?”

“I think she was more lying to herself than to you. You heard her. She said she hoped you were ‘experimenting.’”

“Jesus, does sleeping with every hot guy I could find count as an ‘experiment?’ Once or twice is an experiment. When you can’t remember how many, I think that’s pretty much a commitment.”

“She doesn’t understand. She’s afraid and fear makes people stupid.” Fili was at a loss how to comfort Kili. Dis had done a lot of damage by letting her fear take control. Perhaps too much to be forgiven.

Kili burrowed his face under Fili’s chin. “My life is so fucked up and now I’ve dragged you into it. I’m so sorry.”

“Please don’t apologize, babe. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Just hold me, will ya?” Kili asked, his voice strained with unshed tears.

“For as long as you want,” Fili promised.

 

* * *

 

When Fili could no longer sleep, he slipped out of bed and went to the bathroom. He’d gone back to the bedroom to grab some sweatpants when Kili’s phone rang. He grabbed it before it could wake his partner and took it into the hall.

“This is Philip Durinson.”

Thorin’s voice needed no introduction. “How is my nephew?”

“About how you’d expect,” Fili replied. “He’s still sleeping and he can’t stop crying.”

The expletive was sharp and harsh. “Philip, I honestly had no idea she was going to do that.”

“I don’t think she knew she was going to do it either. It just seemed to bubble up. I’m sure it’s been boiling inside her for a long time. She blamed you for things that aren’t your fault. Does anyone really think we’d choose this life?” His voice was even, but he could feel himself tensing internally. This was all bringing back too many memories.

“She didn’t mean it. Not really.”

“I disagree,” Fili said. “She did mean it and I think it’s been eating at her like slow poison for a very long time.” He paused for a long second. “Did you and your father ever work things out?”

There was a long silence. “No. Once he’d made up his mind that was it. He hated what I was and, by association, he hated me. Perhaps if my mother had still been alive things would have been different. He was older when I was born and he just got more stubborn and more distant with the years. None of us exactly had a ‘dad’.”

“Was Dis still living with your father after you were asked to leave?”

“She was a teenager, so yes, she was,” Thorin replied slowly.

“And when Frerin was killed?”

“Still a teen. She’d run off and joined the IRA. My father brought so much anger in to the house everyone wanted to run away and fight something.”

Fili sighed. “So she had a lot of exposure to his prejudice and anger.”

“Yes she did,” Thorin said wearily. “I never thought about it that way. Our father could be...harsh. I’m certain he said many things in her presence.”

“She lost you and then she lost Frerin. She almost lost her son and now she’s feeling the fear of losing Kili all over again.” Fili paused and then continued. “I believe that you and Kili are all she has left.”

“She also lost Kili’s father. She was only eighteen, pregnant and on the run. He was killed setting a car bomb in Belfast,” Thorin replied. I’m surprised she hasn’t broken before this.” He coughed to cover his voice breaking. “I tried to do all I could for her, giving her a home and a job and trying to be a father to Kili. My father was right – I’m a failure. How can someone in security, with eyes everywhere, be so blind?

“It’s not your fault.” Fili replied quickly. “None of what happened was under your control. Afterward you had no reason to think there was a problem. You did your best.”

“Thank you for that,” Thorin said quietly. “Bilbo says I take too much blame, but I can’t help but think that I started all this.”

Kili doesn’t blame you and from what I’ve seen you’ve been a good role model. He thinks the world of you. What would he have done without your guidance? He’s happy with who and what he is because of you.”

There was a long pause. “I guess we all have some issues to work out. Do you think it would help if I came over later?”

“I think Kili would appreciate it.” Fili thought a moment and then asked, “Does he happen to have a wheelchair with handles? His hands are pretty swollen and he can’t really push himself.”

“I have one in the basement. I’ll bring it. Is he going to be there for awhile?”

“As long as he wants to stay. You wouldn’t happen to be able to get into his apartment, would you?”

“I will pick up some clothes for him and his meds.” Thorin was feeling a little better now that he had something to do. “We’ll stop by and bring lunch.”

“Better make that breakfast. I don’t think he’s going to get up for a while yet and he probably won’t feel much like eating,” Fili replied.

“Bilbo will bring some of his buttermilk pancakes and streaky bacon. If Kili won’t eat those, we should be planning his funeral.”

Humor from Thorin? Fili smiled a little. “That sounds like a plan. Thank you so much for calling.”

“Thank you so much for being there for him.”

Fili gave Thorin his address and went back into toward the bedroom. When he peeked around the corner he saw Kili laying there with his eyes open, one arm extended in invitation. He slid into the bed next to him and gathered Kili into his arms.

“I’m so tired,” the Irishman whispered, his face buried in Fili’s chest.

“I know. When my dad went off on me I thought I’d never have any energy again.” He squeezed him for a moment. “Thorin and Bilbo are coming over in a while.”

“No, don’t want to see them,” came the muffled protest.

“Bilbo’s bringing buttermilk pancakes and something called ‘streaky bacon’ that he’s sure you’ll love.”

“Streaky bacon?” Kili’s voice suddenly sounded hopeful. He would have sworn that he’d never eat again, but at the thought of Bilbo’s food his stomach was suddenly resurrected.

“Yeah and you know he’ll bring lots of it.” Fili leaned down and pressed a kiss into the Irishman’s unruly hair.

“For streaky bacon I’ll get up.” He rolled over and looked at Fili. “That and I gotta pee so bad my back teeth are floating.”

Fili helped him to the bathroom and then back into bed. Fili pulled down his pajama bottoms and briefs and he allowed the Kiwi to inspect his rump, which proved to be free of troublesome red marks.

The blond patted his butt fondly. “You know this has to be the best excuse ever to show someone your arse.”

The response was a groan. “Don’t rub it in.”

“But I’d very much like to rub it in,” Fili teased, planting a wet kiss on one hairy cheek.

“Perv.”

“You love it.”

“Yeah I do.” He smiled a little. “Thanks for taking me in.”

“Oh yeah, like you are some stray kitten I found in the rain.” Fili frowned playfully. “Like you wouldn’t do the same for me. You’re my friend and you got beaten up last night. It’s my civic duty to take you home and cuddle you and then spoil you to within an inch of your life.”

“Civic duty? I like that. Maybe we could make it a law.” His smile got the tiniest bit wider.

“Sounds good to me.” He picked Kili’s shirt off the floor. “Thorin is going to bring you a few things, but you’ll have to make do until he gets here. This is pretty wrinkled. Mine might be too small, but I might have something you could wear.”

“I’d like that. I like the idea of wearing your clothes.”

“I think my pants might be a bit short.”

“Got a pair of shorts? I can show off my gorgeous legs,” Kili replied unexpectedly.

“Really? You’d put on shorts?” The blond couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Yeah, nobody here but the people who’ve already seen my legs. I need to get over myself.”

Fili pulled out a T-shirt with “Visit New Zealand” in large blue letters. “What brought that on?” He handed Kili the shirt and he sat up to put it on.

“I need to stop caring so much,” he said, not meeting Fili’s eyes. “It hurts too much to care.”

The blond sat down on the bed and gathered Kili into his arms. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that.”

Kili let himself be hugged and then squeezed Fili hard. “I just want it to stop hurting.”

* * *

The chime announced Thorin and Bilbo’s arrival. Fili ran down to let them in and took custody of the wheelchair. It was so bulky compared to the one Kili rode in. No wonder it had been consigned to the basement. There was a travel bag sitting in the seat and a tired-looking Thorin holding the handles.

Bilbo was standing there with a shopping bag that had a skillet handle sticking out of it. He looked up at Fili and smiled as if he arrived on everyone’s doorstep armed with cookware.

“I have pans,” Fili said, smiling back.

“Not like these,” Thorin said with a chuckle. “The Master Chef brings his own weaponry.”

Bilbo snorted. “And if I didn’t, you’d be wondering why my cooking had gone downhill, admit it.”

Thorin laughed and put his arm around his partner’s shoulder. “I probably would. I’m used to the finest.” Fili knew he wasn’t talking about cooking.

Fili took custody of the wheelchair and took it into the bedroom with Thorin following. He cleared a drawer and unpacked the bag, then quickly left to give them some privacy.

Kili looked at his old chair meaningfully. “You didn’t have to bring that thing, I can get around.”

Thorin sat on the edge of the bed. He nodded in agreement. “It’s only for a day or two so your hands can heal. You hit the doorframe pretty hard, there’s a dent on the right side. I’m just glad you didn’t break anything.”

The brunet’s face fell. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to damage anything. I was so angry.”

“I know and you had a right to be.” He took one of Kili’s hands in his and looked at the darkened palm sadly. The bandage wrapped around it hid the worst of the damage, but the discoloration and the swelling was very evident, and so was the pain.

“It pains me that this happened in my home. If I’d had the slightest inkling of how your mother felt I would have allowed this meeting.”

Kili tried unsuccessfully not to look sad. He shook his head. “How could you know, she’s been really good at hiding it. It’s my fault for being blind and not talking to her. She’s never met one of my boyfriends before because none was ever serious enough. You don’t bring hookups home to mum. Maybe if I’d dated instead of just sleeping around we’d all be better off.”

Thorin almost smiled. “Well, I can’t disagree with that. Hookups are dangerous, but you were always the one for taking big risks.”

He looked to the door and then back at Kili. “Speaking of risks, don’t go leaping into anything because of this.”

“You mean Fili.” It wasn’t a question. “I have my eyes open and I am seeing what I missed out on by now having a relationship. Of course, I’m pretty sure he’s one of a kind. But don’t worry, I’m not going to run off and get married…not that I could.”

His uncle chuckled. “I agree about Philip, he seems to be a very nice man. I’m glad he’s here for you. Just don’t rush into anything.”

Kili squeezed the older man’s hand gently, trying not to wince. “I promise that I won’t be my usual impulsive self. I’m glad he’s here too.”

There was a knock at the door and Dwalin’s head popped around the corner. “Are ya decent?”

Kili laughed. “I’d better be.” He looked up at Thorin and winked. His uncle chuckled and moved to the other side of the bed to sit down again.

Dwalin came in followed by Ori, who scooted around him and threw himself on the bed to scoop Kili into his arms and kiss him on the cheek.

“I’ve been beside myself with worry about you, Kee,” he said quickly, his hands light as birds on the Irishman’s shoulders.

“I’m okay. I was an arse last night, but I’m not crazy today. Just sore.”

“I’ll bet you are, you look like shite with those dark circles under your eyes,” Ori replied, looking at him critically.

“Well thanks for making me feel better. Is there anything else you’d like to say, like I’m getting fat?”

“Oh shut up, you silly sod. You know what I mean. Dwalin is here to look after your poor hands.” He kissed Kili again.

“Well, I am if this soppy git ever moves outta the way,” Dwalin offered, looking at Ori with soft eyes.

Kili got a little misty looking at them. He was surrounded by so much love. Why couldn’t his mum see that?

Before Dwalin could sit down the Irishman pointed to the remote for the bed. “If you press the blue button on the remote the head of the bed will come up.”

“You’re kidding?” He obediently pressed the blue button and sure enough the head slowly rose until Kili was in a sitting position. “That is so fucking brill! I want one of these!”

Ori burst out laughing. “You’d turn our bedroom into Funderland.”

Dwalin turned and wiggled an eyebrow. “I thought it already was.”

Both Kili and Thorin burst out laughing and Ori blushed himself nearly purple, before socking his partner on the arm and scurrying out of the room.

Still grinning, Dwalin produced some antibiotic salve out of the bag he’d brought in. He carefully opened Kili’s hands and applied the salve to the scrapes. “This will help with the sting, but I’m afraid I can’t do much about the bruises.”

He wrapped the swollen hands in gauze and then gently applied a gel icepack to each one. “It would help to soak your hands in some ice water, but we won’t try that until after we eat.”

“I hate being so fucking helpless,” Kili mumbled to himself.

“I know, but you’ll be back to your old pain-in-the-arse self in a couple of days.”

“Thanks. I love you too.” Kili shot him a deadly glare that didn’t quite work as both Dwalin and Thorin laughed.

Chagrined, he heaved a sigh and tried to open his hands, wincing as the swollen muscles refused to move more than a little. He gave it up as a lost cause and heaved a sigh. “Here I am crippled and abused. Confined to a bed surrounded by men who mock me.”

Dwalin reached over and ruffled his hair. “We can't let you sit here and feel too sorry for yourself. You might decide you like all this attention and then where would we be? I'll not be wait'n on yuh hand a foot for the next twenty years.”

“Yeah, like either of us would let that happen,” Kili shot back.

Fili popped his head around the doorway. “How's your patient?”

Dwalin looked at him and shook his head. “Grumpy and snarky. I think he'll live.”

“That's good. Bilbo said to tell you that brunch will be in five minutes.” He vanished and then reappeared. “He said not to dawdle.”

Thorin laughed. “Then we had best be moving because Bilbo will not be thwarted when it comes to his cooking.”

He pushed the old wheelchair next to the bed and Kili reluctantly let Dwalin lift him into it. “I suppose I'm never going to live this down,” he said bitterly.

The big Scot squeezed his shoulder gently. “No mention of this will ever be made, lad. This is family helping family.”

The brunet looked up at him, eyes misting slightly. “Thank you.”

“No mention, remember? Now let's go and see what wonders that kitchen magician has conjured up for us mortals.”

* * *

Even Kili could hardly believe his eyes at the feast spread before him. What Bilbo described as a “simple brunch” turned out to be buttermilk pancakes, smoked streaky bacon, fried ham, sliced sausage, eggs Benedict, potato scones, the obligatory baked beans, homemade raspberry jam and unless Kili was mistaken a jug of real maple syrup.

“Oh. My. God,” Kili exclaimed, thinking for a moment that the pain in his hands was so totally worth it. He reached down to propel himself forward, wincing as he was forcibly reminded that it wasn't.

“My love, you have totally outdone yourself,” Thorin said adoringly, winding his arm around Bilbo's shoulder and drawing him into a hug.

Blushing more than a little, Bilbo leaned against him for a moment before pulling free to start serving. The coffee was Blue Mountain, a reminder that Thorin's business did quite well, but no one was complaining. Thorin shared generously with his family, enjoying the company. He remembered all too well the years he'd spent alone feeling hopeless. He cherished his family more than anything else in the world.

Unlike most meals there was little conversation. What talk there was confined itself to safe topics such as the weather and interesting clients. Being a paramedic resulted in the Scot being a repository of tales, most of which could not be told during meals. Bilbo's successful food blog was more appropriate, the less than stellar mail he received being a favorite topic of ridicule for the group. Fili noted for future reference that none of the them by blood or partnership) tolerated stupidity particularly well.

Kili suffered through having Fili cut his food for him. His hands were far too stiff and swollen to cope with a knife and pressure of any kind. He was able to grasp the fork after a fashion and feed himself quite well. Two helpings of pancakes with maple syrup, two eggs Benedict and nearly all of the streaky bacon proved that.

“Ya know if ya keep eating like that yer gonna need a bigger wheelchair,” Dwalin pointed out.

“Fuck you and the horse you rode in on,” Kili replied cheerfully, a wad of bacon tucked into his cheek.

“At least your mood is improving a little,” Bilbo teased.

“That's because you came over with all this food and stuff me until I squeak. I’m really still miserable, see.” He put on a long face and Bilbo laughed.

“Yes, I can see you're devastated. Would more bacon help?” Kili nodded quickly and Bilbo leaned over to put the last rasher of bacon on his plate. “I thought so.”

He turned to Fili. “I made enough batter for tomorrow. It's in the refrigerator. There's a bit of bacon left too, if you can keep someone's hands off of it.”

Kili frowned but everyone just laughed. There was no chance the bacon was going to live to see the dawn.

Bilbo poured everyone another cup of his marvelous coffee and sat down with a sigh. Thorin leaned over and kissed him gently on the cheek. The smaller man leaned toward him and sighed. If ever two people belonged together it was Bilbo and Thorin.

Fili put down his cup and smiled at them. “How did you meet? Was it fate?”

Bilbo laughed and Thorin joined him. “Something like that.” He smiled at Thorin and shook his head, his curls bouncing merrily.

“I had a cooking show shot in a dreadful studio. It was a historic building that one of the clans really should have knocked down. If ever I’ve seen a place I’d like to set the IRA on, it was this one.”

Thorin winced. “I really do wish you’d stop using that appalling phrase. It’s insulting.”

Bilbo scowled. “That building was insulting. I kept hoping with a Brit in it, they’d blow the bloody thing up, but no…they made me suffer through three ghastly Dublin winters in it before it mercifully caught fire and committed suicide. I blame the IRA for my chronic bronchitis.”

Kili made a strangling noise and Fili could see him turning nearly purple as he tried not to laugh. Dwalin wasn’t as polite and nearly slid under the table. Ori was alternating between giggles and glances at Thorin who looked like a thunderhead.

Bilbo finally noticed and looked over at his husband. “Fine for you to scowl, you bloody Celt. You seduced me and then bound me to this swamp of a city.”

Thorin threw back his head and burst out laughing. Relieved, Fili joined him.

“He makes it sound as if I rode up on my stallion and kidnapped him, bearing him back to him to my rath where I had my way with him.” He reached over and snitched a piece of scone. “In truth I was there to oversee the installation of security cameras and…”

“Bloody lot of good those did,” Bilbo interjected.

Ignoring him Thorin continued. “We installed the cameras and had to be very careful as the building was over a thousand years old. I spotted this curmudgeon raising hell with someone about the quality of something or other…”

“Cinnamon,” his partner stated, shaking his head. “Seventeen years, a hundred tellings and you still can’t bloody remember that it was cinnamon.”

“Er…yes…cinnamon. It wasn’t up to his standards and he was having none of the apologies the poor wretch he’d cornered was offering. He threatened to quit and go back to London.” He looked at Fili and winked. “I believe I later found that he threatened that about once a week, but truth be told this auld sod had already worked her miracles and even if he left Ireland he’d find his feet would carry him back.”

“Says you.”

“Says me, my love.” Thorin wove his fingers between Bilbo’s. The look they shared would have melted the sternest heart.

Bilbo rubbed his thumb along the back of Thorin’s hand. “I was heartbreakingly beautiful in those days.”

Thorin chuckled. “You still are, but on that day you had flour on your lapel and cinnamon sprinkled down your front, and you were a bit purple from yelling too, as I recall.”

The smaller man heaved a sigh. “Outed in more ways than one. I turned around still in that idiot diva-mode I used to think suited me and literally ran into the most gorgeous man I’d ever seen in my life.”

“You left flour and cinnamon all over my front.”

Bilbo laughed, setting his curls bouncing. He looked at Fili and said, “I was shameless. Until then I had been careful to hide my preferences, but I wanted to climb this chap like a tree. I know I said something inane and then offered to cook him dinner with myself as dessert.”

“Not being a fool, I immediately accepted. No one wanted to be gay in those days, certainly not in Catholic Dublin. Suddenly I didn’t care who knew. I just couldn’t let him get away. Fortunately for me, he felt the same.”

He looked fondly at Bilbo. “There was some family drama when we moved in together. It would have been easier if Mum was still alive, but so would a lot of other things. I was thirty-four and he was the first real relationship I’d ever had. I was still so far in the closet the moths couldn’t have found me.

Bilbo laughed lightly. “He’s not kidding. He didn’t want to admit that I was irresistible, but since I am, I won him over in the end.”

His partner shook his head, his blue eyes twinkling. “You forgot to mention how humble you are.”

“Oh yes, that too. Quite humble, if you like that sort of thing.” He winked at Kili. “Don’t let him kid you, he likes cheek and sass.”

“Yes, I do. You’re nothing if not entertaining. Watching you try to win my father over was amusing.”

Kili was startled. “I thought Grandfather hated you both.”

Thorin shook his head sadly. “No, it wasn’t hatred, not really. It was embarrassment and failure. He couldn’t bear to fail and he felt he had with me. He always felt that he’d done something wrong. He hated that feeling and since I was the one who provoked it, he hated me by association.

“But he didn’t hate Bilbo? I’m confused.”

Bilbo’s honey-dark eyes were sparkling. “That’s because I bribed him.”

“You took advantage of a sick old man.” Thorin reached over and ruffled Bilbo’s curls.

“I got him to eat when no one else could,” Bilbo pouted.

The larger man chuckled. He cocked his head, regarding his life-mate with loving eyes. “You helped him gain nearly a stone before I made you stop bribing him with apple crumble.”

“And I took him healthy food too. He decided a poofter who could cook was not all bad.” Bilbo winked at Fili

The larger man smacked him gently on the back of the head, setting his curls jiggling. “Stop calling yourself that.”

“Thorin never did fancy nancy boys. I had to show him that chefs can be butch.”

Dwalin stopped being able to breathe and Ori was laughing so hard he got the hiccups. Kili put his head in his hands. “Pretend I’m not related to these two, it’s too embarrassing.”

“I think it’s delightful,” Fili replied. “You two should write a book, gay love stories are all the rage.”

“Are they now,” Thorin observed sagely with a sideways glance at Bilbo who was entirely too interested in that comment.

“If you do, then I will change my name and flee the country,” Kili threatened, doing his best to scowl.

“Nope,” Fili said, “You’ll be the hot young stud that will make all the prettyboys buy a copy.”

Kili looked at Ori beseechingly. “Save me. Throw me a life raft, I’m fair sinkin’ here.”

“Fuck no. I wanna be in it. I can be the naïf who was rescued by the hunk of a biker.”

“Leave me the bloody hell out of it, you little tart,” Dwalin replied, “I’ll write muh own book.”

Fili couldn’t stop laughing. “I think I started something.”

Thorin nodded. “There’ll be no living with ‘em for the foreseeable future.” He looked thoughtful and then added, “It is up to you two to write your own chapter now.”

The Kiwi nodded. “We will. I’m sure of it.”

* * *

Kili sat at the kitchen table with his hands immersed in a large bowl of ice water. He’d long since lost sensation in his fingers, but he had to admit that the throbbing had decreased to a bearable level. He felt like a right idiot sitting there watching everyone cleaning up and fussing about the kitchen. He loathed doing the dishes, but he would have gladly traded his bruised hands for some soapy water and plates.

At last he was allowed to rescue his hands from the polar sea and held them aloft looking somewhat like the puppy he used to pretend to be when he was little. Dwalin gently patted them dry and then applied more salve and bandages to protect the scrapes.

“I’d suggest a film festival today,” he said as he packed his bag.

Kili shook his head. “I’ve got therapy at half three. My left leg is in spasm again.”

“Well, have a care for those hands and don’t act like a arse and refuse help.” Dwalin looked over at Fili who was talking to Thorin.

“I’ll be good. But I don’t have to like it.” His lower lip stuck out and there was a rebellious glint in his eyes.

Dwalin smiled to himself. Kili was bent but not broken. He was starting to fight his way back from the pain of last night. He hoped Fili was up to handling the anger that would start when the pain and shock wore off.

After everyone left Kili was sitting next to the stereo listening to James Galway. He had the gel icepacks wound around his hands with kitchen towels and was trying to get his mind as far away as possible. He let the music wash over him, the flute reaching deep and settling his emotions. He would never have believed he could ever be in this position; crippled even more because he really could not move under his own power. He hated the damned old chair with its handles and nearly unreachable wheels. He hated having to be in a chair at all. He hated everything about the last year.

He heard Fili whistling in the kitchen. Well, maybe not everything…

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life goes on in spite of everything. Sometimes when you think you might die from the pain of it, something, or someone comes along to soothe the hurt and make you remember that it’s worth living after all. 
> 
> A big Thank You to madammadhatter for the proofreading and the help with Kiwi slang. It's much appreciated. :)
> 
> My Special Thanks to Pabu for this incredible illustration. I sent her a photo of the summer sunset in Dublin and she surprised me by making this glorious painting from it. I never stop being awed by her talent.

Fili had long finished in the kitchen. After so much company he’d wanted to give the brunet some time alone. When he heard music he’d peeked around the corner and saw Kili sitting disconsolately by the stereo, the laughter over breakfast washed away by his inner pain. The strains of James Galway’s sweetly plaintive “The Isle of Innisfree” completed the picture of Irish sorrow. Never had he wanted to paint something so strongly, but it would be an intrusion, so he started to turn back.

Kili had said that he couldn’t sing, but he softly picked up the last two verses with a voice as pure and sweet as any ever born on the Emerald Isle.

 _I wander o'er green hills through dreamy valleys,_  
_And find a peace no other land would know._  
_I hear the birds make music fit for angels,_  
_And watch the rivers laughing as they flow._  
_And then into a humble shack I wander_  
_My dear old home and tenderly behold,_  
_The folks I love around the turf fire, gathered._  
_On bended knees, their rosary is told._

 _But dreams don't last_  
_Though dreams are not forgotten_  
_And soon I'm back to stern reality._  
_But though they pave the footways here with gold dust,_  
_I still would choose my Isle of Innisfree._

Fili walked over to the sink and rinsed his face, washing the tears away. He didn’t want to show Kili anything except a smile.

The stereo switched off. “Are you nearly ready? I can still call the handi-transport people, you know. It’s not like you have to take me,” Kili called from the living room.

Fili popped around the corner. “I’ll be there in a minute. Let me put on a dry shirt.”

He came out of the bedroom buttoning a cream linen shirt that dressed up his khaki Dockers. “Am I presentable?”

The brunet looked at him critically. “You look like a cover boy; now grab me a shirt from the bag Thorin packed, and let’s roll. Bofur really hates it when I’m late.”

Fili returned with a navy blue T-shirt embroidered with a badge that helpfully announced “Dublin Fire Brigade.”  

“Put out many fires?” Fili asked.

“Nope, but I’ve started a few,” Kili replied cheekily. That got him a smile. His natural buoyancy was not letting him sink too deeply for too long.

He suffered through having the Kiwi push him down to the car, assist him in and then wait for him to stow the wheelchair in the boot. “I fucking hate this,” he complained as Fili slid behind the wheel.

“I got that the last dozen times you said it. I’m willing to bet I’m gonna hear it in my sleep.” He fastened his seat belt and helped Kili with his. “Now I’d like the next thing out of your attractive but whiny mouth to be to tell me the weather is beautiful and that you’d like to go for dinner down by the beach.”

“Fuck you.”

“That’s acceptable, but not probable. Dwalin told me about some great fish & chips and says they’re awesome takeaway. We can go feed the seagulls. What say?”

Fili was looking at him with those huge sky blue eyes, not expecting anything, but hoping. Did puppies ever have big blue eyes? If they did, they’d look like Fili, full of hope and wanting more, but afraid to ask for it for fear of being reprimanded.

Kili’s heart softened and he smiled the tiniest bit. “Takeaway at the beach sounds brilliant.” Fili smiled and the Irishman felt the crush of depression lift a little. He was lucky to have a friend like this. Very lucky indeed.

* * *

Bofur looked up when Kili came in and then did a double take. “Bloody hell, why are you in that chair? And who’s yer friend?”

“Subtle, aren’t you?” Fili observed, making a face at him.

He stood and walked toward them. “They don’t pay me to be subtle, laddie. They pay me to make sods like this lot so miserable they get better and never come back.”

That said, he grinned wickedly, eyes sparkling and extended a hand to Fili. “I’m Bofur, in charge of this young lad’s physical torture--I mean therapy.”

Fili took his hand and shook it. “I’m Philip, Kili’s friend. Most people call me Fili, though.”

“Ah Fili and Kili, sounds perfect. You’d be the young man who’s making our chap smile these days. He’s not spoken of you, but he didn’t have to. I can always tell there’s someone special when one of my clients goes from gloomy to smiles without explanation.”

He looked at Kili and frowned. “Speaking of explanations, do I get one for these hands of yours, or do I have to make up my own?”

“I had an accident,” the brunet replied sullenly. “I’m not here about my hands. My left leg is getting more spastic. I need to work on it.”

“You need to work on your manners as well, but I’m gonna take a wild guess that something unpleasant happened that you don’t want to talk about,” He looked at Fili, who met his gaze evenly. “Something that involved your temper and something solid.”

Against Kili’s will, Bofur lifted his right hand and carefully felt along the back, the wrist and up his forearm. He bent and turned it gently and then did the same to the other. When he was finished he shook his head. “The next time you lose that Irish temper and beat on something, you’d best pick something with padding. You’ve strained both your wrists and bruised the bejesus out of what you didn’t strain. Thank heaven you didn’t sprain anything. You’ll be right as rain in a few days, but you’re gonna be sore until then.”

He stood up and shook his head. “Tip for ya, son, when your hands are all you’ve got, best take better care of them. Next time pound with something you don’t use so much…like yer head.”

He waved at Fili. “Push him down to the second table if ya please.”

He picked up some moist heatpacks and laid one on the table. Moving gracefully, he lifted Kili and set him on the table with his rump on the heatpack. He laid him down, putting a pillow under his head and one under his knees. He laid the other heatpack over his left hip and threw a towel over it to maintain the heat.

Turning to Fili, he pointed to a chair by Kili’s head. “Have a seat. When his rear is medium-well, I’ll show you a few stretches you can help him with.” He turned and walked across the room to speak to a very large gentleman with amazing red hair and a beard that would hide several small children. The big man was sitting with an older gentleman whose right arm sat twisted in his lap.

Kili looked up at the Kiwi. He pitched his voice so low Fili had difficulty hearing him. “Those are Bofur’s relatives. The ginger bloke is his brother and the other is his cousin.” He saw the look of confusion in Fili’s eyes. “Don’t look a bit alike, do they, but they are family.

“When Bifur had his stroke Bofur took on his care. Bombur helps out during the day but brings him here in the afternoon for therapy and so he can go home with Bofur.” Bifur smiled at him and Kili waved. “He’s a good sort. Can’t really talk any more because of the stroke, but Bofur understands him.”

Fili smiled at the little family and nodded. “I can see why you like coming here. Bofur doesn’t mince words and he’s a good man.” He cocked his head. “He didn’t even ask, but do you want me to learn the stretches?”

“Do you want to?” Kili coughed because his voice gave out suddenly. “Not like you have to or nothing. I can get a public nurse to stop by mornings.”

“And I’ll just let her in and make her a cuppa while she’s working on you.” He gave Kili one of those looks the brunet always thought were reserved for the British.

“I don’t know how many mornings I’ll be at your place…I mean…staying…”

“As many as I can get,” Fili replied.

“But I don’t want you to become my carer.” Kili was adamant. It was something he’d been warned about in rehab and they were right. It was too easy to slide into the role of being taken care of. It had to stop _now_.

The blond shook his head, “But I can help and the more I know the better off we both will be. It’s not like you exactly need a keeper.”

Before Kili could respond Bofur came back, removed the heatpacks and slowly and gently started the stretches. He bent Kili's leg so that his knee was against his abdomen and then probed the muscles in his thigh, working his way down to his rump and the gluteus muscles. When he was satisfied he did a set of five stretches and then worked on the other leg, repeating the process.

When he was done he beckoned to Fili. "You still wanna learn this?" His question included them both.

Kili waited to answer to see what Fili would have to say. The blond nodded. "Yeah, I do. I think I can do it and I'm the logical one to train. I'm sure the nurses can do it, but that would just be more waiting around."

The Kiwi gingerly took hold of Kili's leg and nearly dropped it. He wasn't used to a body part that was a weird combination of tight and motionless. Bofur caught it before it could escape over the side of the table and stabilized Kili. "Careful there, it's heavier than it looks. He can't help you and he might even have a spasm which would push you back. He's not Belleek china, he won't break. Get a good grip but don't dig your fingers in. Good. Now slowly push his knee up in a straight line until you can see that it touches his abdomen. No, don't push any more, you want to stretch, not squish."

He watched Fili and smiled to see that he caught on quickly. "You're a natural, mate. Now do three more on this side and five on the other. Brilliant."

He went back to working with his cousin, walking him through an exercise with his bad arm using colorful elastic bands that were fastened to rings on the wall.

"How'm I doing?' Fili asked, as he held Kili's leg stable against a tremor that made it feel as if the Irishman really wanted to kick his teeth in.

"Just don't let go. Fuckin' leg is so spastic lately. I feel like if you lose your grip I'll kick you into next week and then go flying off the table," Kili replied with a frown.

"If we could get them both to do it perhaps you'd leap up and favor us with a jig or two." Bofur had stopped by to supervise and couldn’t resist twitting them.

"You and the horse you rode in on. If you don't have anything constructive to say go play with your rubber bands." Kili's irritation at the spasms overrode his fondness for the physio.

"Nope. Reserving all that for me wife, bless her soul, if she ever delivers the sprog. Longest nine months of my life." He nodded approvingly at Fili as he held the leg against the tremor. "Looks like Old Bofur's private stash might have done some good."

Fili grinned at him. "So you're the one who provided it. Marvelous information, but there is so little of it and why is most of it amateur?"

Dark eyes grew even darker under a frown. "Because the government doesn't think it's important. Disabled sexuality is still looked at as if it is somehow still material for a sideshow rather than being health information for a segment of the population, many of who still pay taxes. They'll put a bit on the TV as part of a longer series about sex, but when it comes to the disabled they don’t want to talk about sex workers, or people trying to hookup, or give them information about how to actually go about it and what to do if they do find someone." He shook his head and both them could tell it was a sore point with him. "I do my best, but I'm just one old Irishman in a very big sea of people with much larger fish to catch."

He showed Fili how to do two more exercises. "I don't want you to have to go back on Bacloflen. I want to see if the range-of-motion exercises will help it. I also want you to strongly consider the Locomotor Training I told you about."

Kili turned his head away. "I don't want to be a freak show."

"It’s therapy, everyone looks weird in here," Bofur countered.

"That's not what I mean and you know it." Kili's response was sharp. "I don't want to be trained to walk. I'd be like Frankenstein. I don't want to scare children as I shuffle my way along. I'm fast in the chair now and have my freedom back. I'm getting my car tomorrow. I don't need to learn to walk like a freak."

"Will you get that bloody TV show out of your head. I’m tired of saying it. Just because that young man chose to use it to teach himself to walk again doesn't mean that's all that you use it for. It has the potential to get you back more voluntary motion so you can do things like roll over in bed and well..." He looked directly at Fili.

Before he could say anything else there was a flurry of activity behind him and suddenly Bifur appeared, hair wild and talking a mile-a-minute." When no one understood him he just quietly said, "Fuck." He walked over to the Locomotor Training machine and yanked on it and then he very clearly pointed to himself and then to it and then to Kili and then to the machine.

Bofur cracked up. "Bless me, but that's the way to go about it. The Ur family's favorite cousin is certainly smarter than me. Okay, I'll ask." There was another stream of unintelligible words followed by a belligerent glare.

Bofur looked at Kili and smiled. "Bifur has challenged you to use the machine. If you use it then he will." More words. "He says you're a 'candyarse' if you don't."

Kili looked skeptical. "Did he really say that?"

"Well, maybe I cleaned up "candyarse" but yeah, the rest of it pretty much."

Kili sat up and made an abortive attempt at flipping Bifur the bird. "You're on. We'll see who's a candyarse, old man."

Bifur grinned at him, said something unintelligible but definitely rude and shuffled back to his position, and grabbed an elastic band to resume his therapy.

“So, how do I start?” Kili asked, trying to sound badass.

“When you’re up for it, the first thing we’ll do is get you on the tilt table and get you upright for a few minutes. Your body isn’t used to that any more and it may make you feel light headed.

"You finally ready to try that contraption, Bifur?" Bofur called over to him. There was a curt nod and another gesture towards Kili. "He can't today because of his hands. I'll book you two here at the same time as soon as he can grasp and you two sods can start your engines for the Locomotor Therapy Playoff."

Bofur pulled over the TENS unit and Kili heaved a sigh. This was his least favorite part of therapy because he was going to have nothing to do but lay still and let the machine stimulate his muscles for the next twenty minutes. Bofur rolled Kili and started to attach the electrodes. While he was placing them the brunet grinned at Fili. “The first time he did this I was sure he was going to crank it on full and then scream, “It’s alive!”

Fili burst out laughing and Bofur looked up grinning. “Naw, I’d need a proper tower and lighting to do that. You’ll just have to make do with your Abby Normal brain until then.”

When Bofur was satisfied that he had the right amount of stimulation going he went over and motioned for one of the other physios to join him. The two of them got Bifur into the harness and then onto the treadmill.

Boredom forgotten, Kili turned his head to watch. The idea was that taking weight on the legs and making the patient move as though they were taking steps, the body would "remember" how to walk. As with any therapy some did better than others. Bifur could expect far better results than Kili as his injury was from a stroke and not damage to his spinal cord. Both had initially rejected it, the brunet because he'd seen a show where a man was able to walk again, but his gait was lurching and uneven. Bifur was just his usual cantankerous self; the stroke hadn't changed that much at all. Oddly enough, until his stroke he'd worked for Mattel designing toys. His crankiness only extended to adults. Children, on the other hand, could get away with anything.

Bofur caught a glimpse of Kili watching. With his hair in a tangle, large brown eyes taking in every movement and his youthful demeanor, he could see why Bifur had taken an interest in him. He wondered what Kili would think if he knew that the older man had deemed him to be a kid in need of understanding. He chuckled quietly. That was one revelation he'd better keep to himself.

When the TENS therapy was done, Bofur popped Kili back in his chair and told him he'd see him on Wednesday. They waved goodbye to Bifur and Bombur and then piled into the car. Kili was unusually quiet.

"We gotta go to my place." He sat looking at his hands. Suddenly he looked at Fili, his face tight, eyes nearly black. "Fuck this, I don't want to ask, but I don't have anybody else."

"What's the matter? Are you in pain?" The blond was suddenly worried.

"Getting there," was the reply. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I need some help and I really have no right to ask you for it."

"What in the hell are you talking about?" Fili nearly went through a stop sign and pulled the car over. "What's the matter?"

"Please don't laugh at me." Kili's eyes had darkened as his mood shifted from anger to worry.

"I'm not going to laugh at you. What do you need? You name it."

"I need to have a BM." It was so quiet Fili almost missed hearing it.

"What?"

"I gotta poop." The frown was back. "I'd just as soon not share this with you but with my hands fucked up I need help." He banged his head on the window in frustration.

Fili leaned over and grabbed his seatbelt, pulling him away from the window. "No more self-harm, Kili! No more." His voice was sharp and hard. "If I ever see you hurt yourself again I'm going to get you a fucking straightjacket and a crash helmet." He glared as if to prove his point. "I mean it!"

Kili nodded, his hair falling into his eyes. He brushed it back with his knuckles. Staring at his lap he whispered. "You can't imagine how hard it was to ask you that."

"About as hard as it was for me to hear it." Fili said tenderly. He leaned over and gently kissed the Irishman's cheek.

"I shit in a bag for months and my mom had to help me change it and clean up if it leaked because it made my dad puke." Fili’s blue eyes were dark with the memories. "I was a skinny kid with body image issues and my mommy was cleaning up my shit every day. I just wanted to die.” His throat tightened as he remembered the humiliation and he had to cough to be able to continue.

"I will help you. You will tell me what to do and we will get through it. Then we will go to the beach, have fish and chips and watch the stars come out. We will drink too much beer, pee someplace inappropriate and have hot sex under the Big Dipper. How does that sound?"

Kili blinked quickly to keep the tears back. "That sounds absolutely perfect."

 

* * *

After they left Kili’s they swung by Fili’s loft to pick up his hoodie, an old quilt, a blanket, two pillows and a cooler for the six-pack they bought. It was a bit of a drive to the beach Kili recommended north of town. He was quiet and introspective, looking out the window at the scenery.

Finally the blond reached over and laid a gentle hand on his upper thigh where there was still some sensation. “You’ve had a miserable couple of days. I don’t know how anything could end up going so badly, but it’s not your fault.”

“It feels like it,” Kili replied sullenly. “I feel like it’s all my fault for not seeing how uncomfortable she was and for not keepin’ my mouth shut about sex and…and…”

“No tears,” Fili whispered. “You’ve cried until your poor eyes must feel scalded. You’ve been rehabbed and you’ve pooped and we’re headed for fish and chips and beer on the beach. It’s a fine Dublin summer eve and we’re going to spend it cuddling together by the sea.”

Kili dragged a knuckle carefully across his eyes. “Yeah, I’m getting hungry and I definitely need a beer. I’m sorry I’m such a sorry arse. This hasn’t been my best year.”

“No. No, it hasn’t.” Fili turned off the road into the parking lot of the chippy and killed the engine. “But it’s going to get better. Now what do you want, I’m starving.”

Kili waited in the car for Fili to return. He was trying desperately not to be gloomy. He’d always made fun of romance, but now he found he wanted it. He wanted all those sappy things he’d always laughed at in movies. He shook his head and chuckled. Maybe the car had run over his head after all.

The drive down to the little cove seemed to take forever with the car full of the wonderful aroma of fish and chips with ketchup for Fili and sweet chili sauce for Kili. They were able to find parking close to the beach and the only people there were packing up to leave. They watched Fili help Kili into the chair and then pile his lap with food, beer and blankets.

The brunet saw the watching and smiled. “You should see the other bloke.”

The man laughed but the woman just shook her head. “Men,” she muttered as she got into the car and slammed the door.

“Don’t pay the missus no mind, she always gets cranky when she’s hungry,” the man called over to them.

Kili nodded. “There’s a wee place up the road on the way back to town. Best fish’n’chips in Dublin.”

“Thanks, mate. You two have a great evening.” He drove off gesturing down the road to his wife, obviously suggesting fish and chips.

“Nice bit of marriage counseling there, babe,” Fili said with a laugh.

The Irishman looked up at Fili, who was standing beside him. “Feed me before I pass out, okay?”

They picked a spot that was relatively hidden. Fili was dragging the chair backward when they hit a sandy patch. “You know they make beach wheelchairs,” he gasped.

“And you know this how?” Kili was curious.

“Well, you know I can use the Internet and I thought I should learn as much as I can if we’re going to be, you know, hanging out together.” Fili sounded a little defensive.

The Irishman smiled, “I’m just picking on ya, I think it’s very nice that you looked it up. Beach chairs are bloody expensive, though, and it’s not like I’d use one very often. But, yeah, they’re pretty cool.”

Fili stopped next to a flat rock, set their dinner down, pulled Kili over and took a seat. He twisted the cap off a beer and handed it to the brunette who managed a double-handed grasp on the bottle. He tipped it up and nearly drained it before heaving a sigh.

“I’ve needed that all day.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Fili replied, tipping his own brew up for a healthy swig.

Kili paused and took out his phone. He smiled at Fili and turned it off. “I want this evening to be just between us.”

Fili nodded and flipped his phone off as well. “That,” he said with a wicked grin, “is a brilliant idea.”

Between them they managed to get Kili fed. His hands were aching so he went against doctor’s orders and washed a pain pill down with beer. It’s not like he was going to be driving tonight, or tomorrow even if his bloody car was finally ready. Shoving that thought aside he bit into a chili covered chip and let the spicy sweetness slide across his tongue.

He looked out and drew a deep breath. The breeze was cool and salty with the tang of sea things. When he was a boy he’d believed in selkies, the merfolk who wore the skin of a seal but could shed it and come ashore as human. He used to go down to the beach and wait, hoping to see a selkie come ashore. Sometimes when he looked out at the deep blue water and saw the seals cruising by he still believed.

It was getting late and the ocean was aglow with brilliant orange and gold of a Dublin sunset. He watched the sun sink lower and the sky slowly turn from orange to gold with purple shading up away from the glow. The stars would be visible soon as the purple deepened into black. This little cove was one of his favorite places. He’d been here a hundred times or more, but the sunset never failed to awe him.

“This is a gorgeous place,” Fili said reverently, looking out over the ocean. “I’m glad you showed it to me.”

“I’m glad, too. I like sharing things with you.” He looked over and noticed something missing.

“You didn’t bring your camera.”

“Naw, this night is just between us. I’ll come back and bring my camera some other time. Tonight I just want to remember it and not be distracted.” He leaned over and kissed the Irishman, tasting the chili sauce on his lips and tongue.

“Have I ever told you that you’re delicious?” he asked, flicking his tongue at the corner of Kili’s mouth.

“Not exactly, but don’t stop.” He slid his arm around Fili’s neck.

Fili didn’t stop. Not for a long time. Finally they both agreed they needed a more accommodating position in which to snog. Laying the quilt double on the sand, Fili sat on it and rolled around to make sure there were no hidden rocks. When he was satisfied, he came back and started to drag Kili’s chair over.

“You remember that ‘pee in inappropriate places’ comment?” The Irishman looked up with a wicked grin. “It’s time to make that happen.”

Fili tried not to laugh. He really did. He tried the entire time he hauled the chair around so that it was a little more private. He tried while he helped Kili slide forward and while he unzipped him and helped him get into position. He even tried while he was adding his own contribution to the little puddle in the sand. He didn’t succeed and nearly peed on his own foot.

Kili didn’t even try. He laughed until he nearly fell out of the chair.

Fili joined him and together they laughed away the worries of the day. They shared an awkward backwards kiss as he dragged Kili’s chair over to the blanket, releasing one another only long enough for the Kiwi to lift him carefully and set him down gently, arms still entwined around Fili’s neck.

Fili sat down next to him and they sat holding hands watching the sunset. The horizon boiled with clouds and the sky shaded in the blues and violets of late sunset. Stars started to wink into view creating a picture no artist could ever capture.

 

 

 

“I could get used to this treatment, you know,” Kili teased.

“And what treatment would that be, my fine Irish lad?”

“Oh, just this helping me in therapy and then taking me to the beach for awesome fish’n’chips, plying me with beer and the promise of having your way with me.” Kili fluttered his long eyelashes trying to look winsome. He succeeded.

“Oh, really? So I should keep on spoiling you, is that what you’re saying?” Fili’s eyes were sparkling with mischief. “I should just carry you around on a pillow, fulfilling your every need.”

Kili dramatically pretended to consider it, then giggled and shook his head. “I don’t think you need to carry my skinny arse around on a pillow, but I wouldn’t object to your fulfilling my every need.”

“Mmmm, and what might that need be?”

“I think,” he sighed, “that another kiss would be very nice right now.”

“Well, I’m glad you are so easy to please.” He moved closer and leaned in, his lips meeting Kili’s. He still had a faint tang of chili sauce, but mostly he just tasted sexy and sweet.

Falling backward, Fili gently lowered the Irishman to the blanket and slipped a pillow under his head. They kissed for a long time, only coming up for air. When he was thoroughly out of breath, Fili rolled to the side, stretched out, and slid his arm under Kili’s neck.

”I could get used to this,” the Irishman commented. “I wish we could stay here forever and not have to deal with people again.” He sounded wistful and Fili snuggled him closer.

“Sooner or later you’ll have to deal with your mother and so will I. We’ll work something out and it will be fine. She loves you, so once she stops running in circles and screaming, she’ll come around.”

“I hope so.”

“I know so. I’ve been there and done that. At least you didn’t get kicked out of the house. That’s how I ended up with Daniel. I had no place to go.” He looked up at the darkening sky and heaved a sigh.

Kili slid an arm around his chest and hugged him. “I’m sorry for what happened with that guy, but I’m glad you’re here with me.”

“Yeah, so am I.” He rolled his head to the side and kissed the Irishman’s temple gently.

“Even if I’m a pain in the arse sometimes and parts of me don’t work so good anymore?”

“Don’t talk like that,” Fili cautioned. “Just don’t.”

The Irishman didn't look at him. "Do you miss him?"

"Do I miss who?" The Kiwi was puzzled.

"Your ex. Do you miss Daniel?"

"Fuck no! What brought that on? Do I act like I miss him?"

Fili sat up abruptly and looked down at Kili, who was still not meeting his eyes. "Did you just pull that question out of your arse, or has it been ratting around in your empty skull for awhile?"

"Just wondering." His voice trailed off.

Fili lay there silent for a moment feeling as if he couldn’t talk. Finally he cleared his throat.

"I don't know what made you ask about Daniel. I'm on the other side of the world from him and that's the way I want to keep it. I don't love him anymore and he damn sure never loved me. I don't ever want to even think about him again."

The Kiwi sat up abruptly, turned, and threw his leg over Kili's abdomen so that he straddled him. He kept his weight off the brunet, but leaned forward so that his hands were on either side of his shoulders. His face was inches from Kili’s.

"I'm here with you and this is exactly where I want to be. So don't get it into your head that there is anyone else in the picture. I'm a photographer and I know about these things."

“Why me?” It was hard to avoid looking at someone whose nose was almost touching yours but Kili managed.

“Because you’re you.” He leaned forward and kissed Kili gently, but the kiss was not returned.

“I knew I wanted to get to know you the moment I first saw you. I don’t know how to describe it, but you looked so sad and then flashed a killer smile, and I just knew I had to meet you. I wanted to make you smile again. You were far too gorgeous to be sitting in a bar looking like someone kicked your puppy and made you rip out your own fingernails.”

“What the fuck?” Kili exclaimed and then said, “I don’t know whether to laugh or be grossed out.”

“You make me giddy with your stunning sexiness.” Fili grinned down at him. “You have no idea how truly gorgeous you are with those big brown eyes and that kissable mouth. As far as I can see all the good parts work just fine, so I have no complaints.”

He leaned down and kissed the Irishman’s nose before he could escape. His braids tickled and Kili smiled. Sliding his arms around Fili’s neck he drew him in for more kisses. Until he’d met the blond he’d never realized how wonderful it was to just cuddle and kiss. His world was opening up in ways he’d never anticipated.

When the kiss broke, Kili thought for a long moment. “Are we in a relationship?”

“I think we’re getting there,” Fili replied quietly.

“I think I’m a little bit scared.” Kili’s voice was barely above a whisper.

“I think I am, too. We’ll just take it slow, okay?” He kissed the Irishman lightly and smiled.

“Yeah, slow is good.” Kili nodded. “I’m a big fan of slow.”

Fili laughed. “Since when?”

“Since I met you,” Kili said his voice trembling slightly. “Since I realized I’m scared I’ll fuck this all up.”

Strong arms engulfed him, the blond pulling him close in a tight embrace. “You won’t fuck it up. You’re doing just fine.”

“Honest?”

“Honest.”

Actually, Fili thought, he was the one who might fuck it up. He didn’t tell the brunet how nervous the thought of being in another relationship made him. Actually if he admitted it, he was scared shitless. How had he gone from asking for a dance in a pub to this point after promising himself he’d never do it again? He’d seen Kili and been drawn like a moth to the flame. He just hoped they both didn’t end up like the moth. He kissed Kili again and held him tightly. Things would work out. He was sure of it. Well, almost sure of it.

He carefully moved off of Kili and slid in next to him again, pulling him into a hug. The brunet snuggled against him and heaved a sigh of contentment. They laid there for a while just being together, digesting the thought that they were in a relationship.

At length Fili looked up and pointed to a constellation. “Is that the Big Dipper?”

“Yeah, it’s the only one I really know, that and Draco which is kinda below it. Bilbo knows all of them. We used to sit out on the lawn in the summer and he’d tell me the stories of the heroes and how they were placed in the heavens as stars. I’ve forgotten most of them now, though.”

“That’s a shame. We’ll have to spend some time learning them. I know all the southern constellations, but I’m pretty ignorant about these. Some are the same as mine, but they’re upside down now so they don’t look the same. I can’t tell one from another.”

Kili looked hard trying to remember the constellations gave it up as a bad job and looked over at the blond. “You have a thing for stars don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do. When I was a kid my dad would take me way out of town and set up his telescope. We’d watch the stars and sometimes take pictures. Some of my first photos were of the stars. It’s beautiful up there and vast and timeless. It always gives me peace to look up and see that some things really never change.”

“I like that thought. I want to see the stars with you. Do you have a telescope?”

“No, but I could buy one.” He smiled. “You’re much better than me on the net, maybe you could help research which one might be good.”

Kili smiled back. “Yeah, I’d like that. We can go out looking for little green men.”

“I thought you called those leprechauns?”

“And is it a pot of gold you think you’d be finding?” Kili teased, giggling at the Kiwi’s idea of ‘little green men’.

Fili looked at him and winked. “Ah, but I’ve already found my pot of gold.”

“Have ya now? And what might that be?”

“Well, I’ve met the most amazing Irish lad. He has dark gold eyes that change with his mood, brows like a raven’s wing, a fine nose and lips that invite a poor bloke like myself to kiss them forever.”

“You’re definitely part Irish,” Kili whispered. ‘But don’t stop. I love it.”

“Do you like being out here under the stars with me?” Fili asked, smoothing his knuckles down the side of Kili’s face.

“What a foolish question,” Kili replied, tugging one of Fili’s mustache braids with his teeth.

“Did you ever wish on a star?”

“Who hasn’t?” Kili started to say something else, but fell silent as he remembered those long ago wishes. The stars that he’d wished on were as long gone and burned up as his wishes. He looked up at the tiny shimmering points of light that were so distant now and cold. He shivered involuntarily and Fili drew the blanket over him, pulling him closer.

“I’m sorry, did I trigger a bad memory?” He rose up and leaned on his elbow so that he could see Kili’s face.

The Irishman shook his head. “No, not really. I guess I just had a thought about how useless wishes are.”

“They’re not useless, they give us hope.” Fili leaned down and kissed him gently.

“Nope. Wishes don’t give me hope. You know what does?” he asked flippantly, looking up at the Kiwi, eyes black, reflecting the ambient light.

“What?”

“You do.”

He smiled and reached up to play with one of Fili’s mustache braids. “You with your patience and your fucking persistence. You come into my life like a goddam white knight and make me start feeling things I didn’t want to feel and then make me like it.” He used the braid to pull Fili down to kiss him.

It was slow and sweet and everything it should be when you make love under the stars. They were learning each other and the moves came more naturally. Fili slid down the slender body beneath him to kiss and nuzzle until Kili was begging him for more. The chill of the air combined with the heat of Fili’s mouth had the Irishman alternately gasping and cursing. It was exquisite. It was torture. It was amazing.

Fili gripped him strongly and stroked the base while he sucked the velvet head of Kili’s cock. The stimulation was perfect and the brunet erupted, his back arching, and his fingers tangled in Fili’s curls. He finally had to pull him away as he became over sensitized. The blond moved up reluctantly, hating that it was over so soon.

“That’s what you get for being so good at it,” Kili teased, licking himself from Fili’s lips. “You could raise a corpse.”

“Thanks, I think,” Fili replied with a chuckle. “Now if you will just keep kissing me like that I’ll take care of myself.”

“Nope.” Kili pulled back. “I want you to fuck my mouth. I’m not in any shape to do anything else.”

The Kiwi shook his head, his golden hair glinting in the light of the rising moon. “You don’t have to do that. I’m fine with doing it myself.”

Kili reached up to tease one of his braids. “You don’t understand, gorgeous, thinking about that is what got me off so fast.” He pulled Fili down for a long slow liquid kiss. “I want you in my mouth.”

“Well, if you put it like that,” the Kiwi replied, his voice betraying how hot the idea got him.

He carefully straddled Kili’s shoulders and worked himself out of his pants. They couldn’t afford the luxury of undressing on a public beach, so getting comfortable and in position required some careful adjusting for them both. Once accomplished, Fili pushed forward carefully and Kili rose up to engulf him.

Fili nearly forgot to breathe.

Using his hand to help Kili just added to the hotness. He was careful. Kili was greedy and the two of them accomplished their mission faster than the Kiwi would have thought possible. He collapsed forward, bracing himself on his hands, fighting for breath, feeling as if he’d been set on fire and then blown apart.

When he slid down and curled up next to a grinning Kili he was still trying to catch his breath.

“So, was that to your satisfaction?” The brunet ran a bandaged hand over Fili’s cheek.

“That,” he said with conviction, “was fucking amazing.”

Kili drew him in for a lingering kiss. He reveled in the Kiwi’s questing tongue that played along the line of his lips and then delved deep into his mouth tasting himself. It was a sharing that went deep for them, a joining of which they would never tire. They shared kisses in the moonlight until the chill became too great and Fili lifted his partner into the chair and packed them into the car.

“Your place?” he asked.

“I’d rather go to yours,” Kili responded. “If that’s all right.”

“That,” Fili said, learning over to give him another kiss, “is perfect.”

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hot sex, fish sandwiches, a new car and friends who bring green goop...who could ask for more? 
> 
> Due to life getting in my way and Pabu staring uni this week, posting will have to drop back to every two weeks. We will do our best to stay on schedule, but expect delays at exam time. :)

They had stayed at the beach until the ocean chill had gotten to them both and Kili’s teeth had started to chatter. They made a fast trip back to the car to kick on the heater and sat laughing over their abrupt departure from their hidden nest.

Fili wrapped the Irishman in the blanket and looked at him for a moment before succumbing to more giggles.

“What the fuck is so funny?” Kili demanded, his question broken into bits as his teeth rattled together.

“Sorry, I was just thinking what a poor idea a blow job would be right now.”

The brunet’s eyes widened, “I’m freezing and you make fun of me.” His lower lip shot out. “I feel rejected.” It would have been sadder if the words hadn’t sounded like they were accompanied by a castanet.

“Live with it,” Fili teased. “I’m going in quest of hot coffee or tea. Can you put your flamenco routine on pause long enough to give me directions?”

Fili was sure that somewhere in that mix of rattling and Gaelic was a heartfelt “Fuck you!” Laughing, he followed the direction Kili pointed, refusing to comment on the fact that he was gesturing with his middle finger.

By the time they hit Dublin proper the large cup of coffee with half the sugar in Ireland had done its job and Kili was able to talk normally again. Frankly Fili missed the rhythm section; it had added even more spice to an already sexy accent.

“My car will be delivered to the rehab center tomorrow,” Kili said without preamble. “I was really looking forward to it, now I don’t care.”

“Sure you do. Your hands will be better in a few days and it will mean freedom so you don’t have to keep depending on people to move your sorry arse around.” The blond had no idea how to cheer him up, but most blokes found getting a new car was pretty cool. “What color is it?” He already knew Kili had a thing for blue, but he asked anyway hoping to draw him into conversation.

“Blue.”

“What color blue?” Fili felt like he was on a fishing trip.

“The kind that isn’t red.” Kili took another sip of his coffee and made a face. It was starting to get cold and even with a ton of sugar it tasted like crap.

“Ok it’s a not the red kinda blue color. What make and model?”

“Why do you care?”

That was an unexpected question. “Well, I’m going to be riding around in it and I want to know what kind of taste my boyfriend has.”

“Your ‘boyfriend’, is it?” Kili said around the rim of his cup. “I think I like the sound of that.”

Fili leaned over and rumpled his hair. “I like the sound of that, too.”

“Never had a boyfriend,” Kili offered in a quiet voice. “Never wanted one. They hold you back. You can’t go to meets, or pick up someone you meet if you have a boyfriend.”

He put the coffee cup in the holder. “I think I was lying to myself. I want a boyfriend and to know that somebody cares about me.”

The blond reached over and ruffled his hair. “A lot of people care about you, boyo. I’ve been where you are and it will get better. Your mum’s hurting, too.”

Kili glared at him. “She has her religion to console her.”

“No. I don’t think so. I think she’s hanging onto it like a life raft right now, but I think there is damn little consolation in it. She’ll come around. She needs you as much as you need her.”

“I don’t need her,” he replied waspishly. “I have you.”

“Yeah, you do need her.” Fili’s voice was quiet and introspective. “I need her, too. I need her to be there for you so you don’t do like I did and make any stupid moves because you feel you have no choice.”

“I have you,” Kili repeated stubbornly.

“Yeah you do,” he conceded. He looked over at his passenger whose mature response was to stick his tongue out.

Fili chuckled. “Lucky me.” And turned his attention to the road.

 

* * *

As petulant as he wanted to be about his mother, Kili couldn’t pretend he wasn’t excited about the car. He’d had a junker before that Thorin’s generosity had kept on the road. All of his money had gone toward maintaining his bikes and going to meets. He couldn’t believe that he had to break his back to get a new car.

Kili called the dealership early to see if the car was there yet and was told that it would be delivered this morning and that his appointment to come for his driver’s training remained at half one. That hadn’t changed. The car was definitely ready this time. Now all he had to do was learn to drive it.

Breakfast was cereal and toast that Kili couldn’t settle down to eat, although he did manage to drink two cups of tea. He pestered Fili all morning, asking a million questions about paints, poking into canvasses and knocking them down (fortunately they were long dry) and constantly changing the music until the blond thought lovingly of throttling him.

He had long gone from amusing to annoying, but Fili held his tongue. He remembered when he got his first car and he was pretty sure that he was even worse. He could see why the Irishman was so excited. He’d had it up on the computer screen all morning. It was an ocean blue Honda Civic 1.8 i-VTEC Sport that looked hot enough to blow Fili’s car off the road.

The Irishman was practically bouncing up and down with excitement. He was hysterical to watch and Fili kept bursting out laughing. Kili’s hands still hurt and his wrists didn’t have full strength, but with the resilience of youth he was healing rapidly. He’d have to have both hands amputated to keep him from getting behind the wheel of his new baby.

Fili came out with Kili and the driving instructor and waiting while his boyfriend inspected the car. If the Kiwi thought he’d been excited before it was nothing to compare with the level of energy that surrounded him now. He was squealing every time he found something new or cool. He hadn’t ordered a cool BMX logo decal along the lower door panel and nearly did a dance when he saw it. He knew right away who had ordered it.

“Damn…that is hot, hot hot!” he said in a voice usually used for a potential lover. He grinned up at Fili. “I owe Thorin one.”

The blond’s laughing reply was, “I think you owe him a whole handful. Now why don’t you go get your first lesson and try not to kill the nice man.”

Kili flipped him a bird and started to get in but was stopped by the instructor who wanted to show him the controls first. That didn’t go over very big with the excited brunet and Fili left them to duke it out, Irishman to Irishman. He got a Coke out of the vending machine and found a spot in the shade. This was going to be the best free entertainment he’d had in a long time.

To Kili’s dismay the bruises and strain kept him from being able to completely manipulate the controls. He made his displeasure very clear to anyone within earshot. The instructor ignored him after explaining that if his hands were always in this shape the controls would have been further modified, but for now, he’d have to suck it up, shut up and learn how everything worked before he was going to be able to actually get to drive it. Kili finished the lesson looking like a thundercloud and the instructor looked like he could use a stiff drink.

“So, how’d it go?” Fili asked cheerfully.

“Go fuck yourself.”

“Problems with your hands, babe? You knew that it was going to be a bitch today, it’ll get better.”

Kili pouted. “No strength. No grip. The thing was calibrated for me with my hands working.”

“I know,” Fili said soothingly. “You’ve got therapy again this afternoon and Dwalin and Ori are coming by tonight. Ori’s bringing dinner and Dwalin says he has a soak for your hands that will help take the swelling down more.”

They had lunch at a little corner shop that Kili said his family has been eating at for years. He’d never had a fish sandwich before, but after one bite Fili could see why they were popular. He closed his eyes in pleasure as the combination of tastes melted across his tongue. Kili had been watching him and grinned in triumph. There was nothing like introducing an unsuspecting friend to the delights of O'Leary's cod sandwiches. The beer wasn't bad either.

Fili dropped the Irishman off at therapy. "I have to pick up a few things from Evan's, you know, art stuff. I thought I’d do it while Bofur is torturing you; that way I don't have to finish the job by boring you to death."

"You haven't painted anything since you met me," Kili stated quietly, not meeting Fili's eyes.

"True, but don't go holding yourself to blame. Sometimes I go for a while without painting. I have some great photographs that I've been working on." Fili smiled reassuringly. "I'm still sort of learning Photoshop, so it's taking me a while to get them right."

"Are you sure I'm not holding you back?" Kili fiddled with his seatbelt, trying not to appear to be the needy boyfriend.

"I'm sure. That's why I'm going shopping. I want to go down to our beach tomorrow night and try to capture that night sky."

"Are you going to paint on the beach?” It sounded intriguing.

“If I was there is only one thing I'd want to paint there." Kili snapped him a quick frown and he smiled in reply. Leaning over he gave Kili a brief kiss. "I'm going to photograph it and paint in the studio. It will be too dark for painting. We might work in some other activities though." Fili arched one eyebrow meaningfully.

The brunet giggled. "And here I thought Sex on the Beach was just a cocktail."

 

* * *

 

It was Tuesday: a car for Kili—well, almost--and the first appointment with Fili’s new therapist. It was scheduled for late afternoon and the Irishman found himself fretting constantly for the hour and a half Fili was gone.

He had been exhausted after the driving lesson and his hands and arms were throbbing. Fili had helped him get into bed and get settled with beer and chips within reach, the remotes next to him and the icepacks situated on his palms and up his inner arm. He had the most comfortable bed in the world, fifty channels to watch, a pain pill making him sleepy and all he could do was stare at the clock and fidget. He nearly leaped out of bed on his own when he heard the door open.

Fili came in looking tired, but he smiled warmly at the brunet. “Miss me?”

“Naw, I was too busy watching all the infomercials,” came the too-quick reply.

The Kiwi kicked his shoes off and slid onto the bed. He stretched out, sliding his hands under his head and being nonchalant. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t miss me.”

Shrugging, Kili pretended to be watching an infomercial that had just come on. “How could I with such riveting fare. Sky TV sucks.”

“I’m sure it does, but I have UPC.” Fili looked at him out of the corner of his eye, a smile playing across his lips. “Are you sure you’ve been watching this?”

“Fuck no!” Kili turned and pounced on him, flipping himself over as he used the blond’s shirt as a handle. He buried his head into Fili’s chest. “For all I knew you’d come back and tell me your therapist told you I was bad for you or somethin’.”

 

 

 

Fili rolled and pulled Kili into his arms. “She said exactly the opposite. She read my file before my appointment and said that I’m not the person she expected to walk through the door. Whatever I’m doing I’m to keep on with it since it’s working.”

“It is?” The question came out in a smaller voice than Kili had intended.

“Yes, apparently it is, or more to the point – you are.”

“I won’t lie to you, I told her I was worried about rushing into this. We talked a bit about your past and a lot about mine.” He stroked Kili’s hair and relaxed into him. “I haven’t dated anyone since I split with Daniel because I was afraid of leaping in and losing myself again.”

Kili pressed harder and Fili smiled, tightening his hold on the Irishman. “But she helped me see that I’m not losing anything—I’m finding myself. Every time I look in your eyes I see more of the man I want to be.”

“Really?” Kili’s voice was soft, muffled against his chest.

“Really.”

He pressed his lips to the Irishman’s cheek. Kili turned his head, claiming Fili’s lips as his arms slid around his partner. The kiss deepened as Fili’s lips parted, allowing Kili’s tongue to explore and tease.

They took their time exploring one another’s lips and mouths, tongues questing and teasing. Kili loved to play with Fili’s mustache braids, which was the only reason he kept the bloody irritating things. They fascinated the brunet like a kitten with a toy. He batted at them with his tongue, captured one and nibbled his way up it to pull the blond in for a kiss, or he just plain grabbed both and gently pulled him forward for kisses and more.

“If you like them so damn much why don’t you grow your own?” Fili had asked once when the tug forward had been too enthusiastic.

Huge hazel eyes had met his looking sad. “I can’t. I have permanent five o’clock shadow. Damn beard won’t grow and won’t go away. I shave and it’s right back in hours, but only gets long enough to look like I can’t be arsed to shave.” He brightened. “So I just have to play with yours!”

His look of mischief had been so enchanting that Fili had collapsed into giggles and the question of cutting the bloody nuisances off had never come up again.

At the moment, Kili was picking at one that had strayed into his mouth after an over-enthusiastic kiss. “I don’t think you washed all the soap off this one,” he sputtered.

“I could whack them off so they won’t get in your way.”

“Noooo! They’re mine. They’re on your face, but they’re mine. Don’t you dare touch them.” Kili gave him a threatening glare. It was funny how with just a lowering of his brows he could go from cupcake to thug, but the sparkle in his eyes gave him away and Fili buried him in a long slow kiss that made him forget about everything except how hot he was getting.

Fili nibbled his earlobe and then leaned closer and blew a hot breath directly into the Irishman’s ear. His erection went from “interested” to “Gimme!” and he arched up, moaning. Kili’s ears were definitely one of his hot spots. The tip of a warm tongue followed the breath, full of the promise of more.

“I want you in me,” Kili whispered, tugging at the back of Fili’s neck. “I want you to fill me and rock me and pound me into the bed.”

Surprised, Fili pulled back a little. He’d never even considered that position, thinking that maybe with Kili’s injury it wasn’t possible. “Where did that come from?”

“From my dirty little mind,” came the sassy reply. “I keep thinking about it and the more I think the more I want.”

Confused, Fili said, “I…uh…thought you preferred to top.”

A snort of derision and a chuckle was his reply. “I got over it. It’s stupid to limit yourself.”

“Uh…can you? I mean, will it hurt you?”

“No. I asked Bofur about it today. He says you won’t hurt me.” He could feel himself blushing a little as he remembered the conversation. The physio had been perfectly comfortable with the question—Kili not so much.

“Dwalin and Ori should be here in about an hour. There isn’t time.” He looked deep into Kili’s eyes seeing the heat and mischief. God, what a turn-on this man was!

“Oh I didn’t mean right now,” he teased, tugging at a swinging braid. “I just wanted to put the idea in your head.”

“Well, you’ve done a hell of a job with that, you little minx.”

“Did you just fucking call me a mink?” Kili pretended to be insulted.

“Minx, you illiterate git, stop reading comics, and pick up a book,” Fili shot back.

“I will if you’ll read it to me while I’m curled up in your lap.” He punctuated the suggestion with a flip of his tongue over Fili’s lips. “Playing with your dick.”

“I’d never get any reading done,” Fili laughed.

“That is exactly the idea. I have so many more uses for those beautiful lips.”

“You’re in a mood,” the Kiwi chuckled. He cocked his head, blue eyes twinkling. “But I love it. Come here and let me have my way with you.”

“I thought you’d never ask.” Kili batted his golden eyes. “I’m yours, do your worst.”

The slow session quickly turned into a hot session as clothes were discarded, lips found soft sensitive body parts and questing hands gripped and stroked. Kili had found that he had a kink for being topped in whatever way was handy. He wanted to try the real deal as soon as possible to see if his prostate retained any sensation. He thought he could feel it when he orgasmed, but he admitted that concentrating on anything when Fili got him off was almost impossible.

He had to stay in the moment when Fili licked his way down the Irishman’s long lean body and nuzzled the fluff of hair at the base of his cock. Fili breathed in the pheromones and the musk, enjoying the sensation of soft fur against a hard eager shaft. He traveled up that shaft with lips and tongue sucking and stroking, feeling the twist of veins and the silk of the skin that covered them. He loved this as much or more than that moment of completion when he knew he’d given his partner the ultimate pleasure.

He made his way to the top, concentrating on the right side where the most feeling centered. The foreskin was already rolled back, but he tugged at it gently with his lips. Kili’s was rather thick and almost poofy and so soft compared to the blue steel of his shaft that it was a contrast that the blond found irresistible. Having had an American partner once who was put off by foreskin, Kili was only too glad to let the Kiwi explore and tease him.

Fili cast a side-glance at the clock and realized they were running out of time. No matter, it was easy enough to take matters in hand, as it were, and concentrate on his partner, thereby driving himself a little crazy as well. He unzipped his pants and pulled himself free, before sliding his own hand around the hard shaft and pumping himself slowly with just the right amount of pressure.

“Move over. I can’t see.”

It took a moment for the meaning to penetrate and the Kiwi shifted so that he could look up at Kili. He was suddenly aware that he must look incredibly foolish in this position, but that apparently didn’t occur to the Irishman who reached out to shove at his hip.

“Budge over so I can see you do yourself.” His expression registered irritation, making Fili have to repress a giggle.

He shifted until he got a pat and then he went back to work…well if you could call pure pleasure work.

It was both a little weird, a lot hot and just the tiniest bit kinky to know that he was being watched intently. Of course he knew that he’d been watched before, but a side glance at Kili showed a whole new level of concentration. The irishman’s eyes had bled to black as his lust intensified and, in turn, it kindled a burning in Fili that raged through his body. It culminated in a mind-blowing orgasm as he thrust forward and emptied himself onto the Kili’s belly, painting the dark crisp hair with glistening drops of pearl.

Kili moaned with raw lust and thrust up as best he could as his own climax tore through him. Fili hammered at the shaft in his hand, giving it the stimulation it needed, pulling as much pleasure as he could to spill up and out. He choked for a second and then regained control and dove down sucking hard, desperate to make it last.

The brunet did not ejaculate with the force he once had, but with Fili working him hard, the sensation was just as intense. He cried out, grabbing the blond’s head, twisting his bruised fingers into the curls and pulling harder than he intended. It stung, but Fili didn’t care. He was concentrating so hard on Kili that he probably wouldn’t have noticed an earthquake.

Kili felt the last of the aftershocks and took a badly needed breath. He looked down at Fili who was still gently sucking the Irishman’s rapidly softening cock. What an amazing man he was. Things might be in the shitter with his mum, but as long as he had Fili by his side he felt like he could survive anything. Was this why people were always so desperate to get into a relationship? Did they all feel this sense of peace and belonging? He didn’t know, he only knew what he felt. He reached down and ran gentle fingers through curls he’d pulled unmercifully earlier and felt Fili press back against his hand. The pressure hurt a little, but he didn’t care. The touch was too comforting to pull back from.

At last Fili pulled away, wiped his mouth and started to get up to get a wet cloth, but Kili reached out and stopped him.

“Don’t leave me.” Huge brown eyes begged him to stay, entreating him not to forsake his lover.

“I’m only going to the loo for a wet cloth.” Looking at the plea he gave in instantly, reaching out and finding himself held between two bandaged hands that tugged possessively at him. Smiling, he leaned down and kissed the brunet open-mouthed, sighing as a questing tongue delved deep, exploring the slickness there.

It was scruff against beard, tongues that danced over one another, flipped out to lick reddened lips, eager to taste and feel everything possible about the other. It was nearly as hot as the sex had been and both men felt a rekindling of desire.

Kili was feasting on the column of his partner’s neck when Fili’s eyes strayed to the clock.

“It’s time to postpone this, babe. You don’t want to be caught with your pants down when Ori arrives, you’ll never hear the end of it.”

Kili gave him one last lingering kiss and then released him. “Okay, you win. Clean up your mess and be done with me.”

Fili breathed a kiss into the hollow of his throat. “I’ll never be done with you. I’ll always just be beginning.”

 

* * *

 

The doorbell sounded precisely at six and Fili opened it only to find a grinning Dwalin and a very quiet Ori holding a massive pizza box. He face must have registered his surprise.

"He dropped bloody supper," Dwalin explained, looking far too amused. "Arse over teakettle and the fish made its escape."

"It was baked salmon with tarragon," Ori said, quickly defending his culinary skills. "At least we saved the dessert."

Dwalin looked at him fondly. "Aye because I was the one carrying it. I told you to let me take the big dish. Next time you'll listen."

The smaller man shrugged. "I probably won't, but we have the best pizza in all of Dublin and chocolate velvet cream pie."

"Well who am I to argue with that?" Fili laughed. "Come on in and feed Kili. I haven't gone shopping in a while and he can't find anything to snack on so he's getting desperate.”

The fancy dinner was never missed. Kili tore into the pizza as if he hadn't eaten in a year. Dwalin matched him slice for slice with Fili sitting there wondering where they put it.

Ori laughed. "He always makes a pig out of himself but that's one of the things I love about him. He always makes me feel like the best cook in Ireland."

"And Scotland," Dwalin remarked around a mouthful of pizza. He grinned at Kili. "Everyone should marry a great cook, or at least someone who knows where to get good pizza."

Kili looked at Fili and started to giggle. "He's okay in a pinch, but he's brilliant at takeaway."

"Thanks," the blond replied. "No chocolate pie for you."

The brunet looked at him and gave him the saddest puppy-dog look he had in his repertoire.

Fili groaned. "Okay, a small piece."

The dark gold eyes grew larger and the long lashes fluttered as Kili cocked his head and heaved a long and heart-wrenching sigh.

"Okay, half the pie," Fili relented. He turned to the other two. "You see what I have to put up with. Where did he learn it?"

Ori looked innocent, but Dwalin raised his hand and pointed to the tousled head next to him. "He's the grand master, not that he'd ever admit it."

"Well, you're going to have to teach me how to resist it."

Dwalin threw back his head and burst out laughing. "Resistance is futile," he said in a pretty good imitation of a Borg.

Kili squeezed Fili's hand. He looked at him with those chocolate eyes twinkling. "Don't worry. I won't use it too often."

"Promises. Promises."

After dinner Dwalin pulled out a large jar of what looked for all the world like pureed swamp. "It's my Gran's recipe, "good for man and beast" as she used to say. What it is, is a cracking good liniment that I'd market if it didn't look so vile. There's no way to pretty it up because it's made of herbs."

"And a fine mess you made of my kitchen cooking it up," Ori added. "I'll be a week getting the green stains out of the blender."

"I'll buy you a new one and it's for a good cause," Dwalin replied as he came back from the kitchen carrying a small bowl. He set it in front of Kili and poured some into the bowl. Surprisingly enough the smell was minty and pleasantly pungent.

He dipped gauze pads into the bowl and then asked Kili to hold out his wrists. He laid the pads on his wrists and then bound them in place with a stretch bandage. The Irishman sat still for a minute and then looked at Dwalin.

“It feels warm and cold at the same time. It’s weird.”

“That’s because it has eucalyptus and mint in it and a lot of other things. I couldn’t use it with your cuts still open. I would have been peeling you off the ceiling. Just let your hands rest and let the potion do its thing.” He pointed to the kitchen. “I put the jar in the fridge so that it will keep. Do this again tomorrow once or twice. The swelling should go down pretty quickly.”

“It feels better already.” Kili was inspecting the bandages. He sniffed at his wrist and crinkled his nose, making everyone laugh.

After an hour, Dwalin gave Kili permission to remove the compresses. He felt weird sitting there with a towel on his lap as the aromatic green goop had seeped through the wrap. Fili helped him into the loo and turned on the tap. As he rinsed his hands in the bathroom he found that his fingers were far more flexible and that he could bend his wrists more easily.

When he came back out he closed his hands proudly and Ori whooped loud enough to be heard on the street.

Kili grinned and sniffed his wrist experimentally. “I smell like your grandmum’s medicine cabinet, but this stuff works great.”

“Told ya,” Dwalin replied laconically.

“You should have seen the first time she put it on me. I sprained my arm falling out of the hayloft. I landed on my head or it would’a been worse.” Dwalin grinned and held out his left arm. “Swole up and I thought I busted it, but Gran was one o’them country lasses that knows all about things like that. She caught me, slapped that green shit on me and I was fine. Screaming, but fine.”

Ori laughed so hard he tipped over against him. “So that’s why you hate salads so much.”

Dwalin shrugged. “Veggies ought to be cooked. It don’t seem right eating plants raw.”

“He has a thing for fire and for raw meat.” Ori looked at Fili as if he’d be the one to understand. “The Scots are still heathens. They only look civilized now and again. Give ‘em half a chance and they’d be ragin’ around, kilts flapping…”

“And other things,” Kili hastily supplied.

“Oh aye, other things, definitely.” He glanced at Dwalin who was leaning back with an amused expression.

“G’wan, I’m fascinated by how ya see me. So I’m a bloody gurt barbarian with my skirts and dick wavin’ in the breeze?”

The smaller man appraised him and then laughed. “And what a picture that would make.”

“You’d only like it, ya wee pervy skelf.” Dwalin countered, deliberately thickening his accent, a broad grin lighting his features.

“Who you callin’ a ‘skelf’, ya great overgrown yob?” Ori replied, mimicking his boyfriend’s Glaswegian speech. Feigning offense, he leaped off the sofa and struck a muscle pose. “I’m not skinny. I’m very manly. Aren’t I, Kili?”

“Yeah mate, you’ve got the brawn.” Kili was giggling so hard he could hardly talk.

Dwalin reached over and hauled his partner onto his lap. “Yer brawn is between yer ears, right where I like it.” He looked up at Fili and winked. “Smartest fucker in Dublin. I still can’t believe he wants to be with a hooligan like me.”

The smaller man turned until he straddled Dwalin’s lap. He reached up and toyed with one of the many piercings in the big man’s ears. “I have no idea why you’d want a scrawny guy whose idea of a perfect evening is a cuppa and a copy of Chaucer.”

Dwalin wrapped thick tattooed arms around him and drew him into a sweet kiss. Kili was about to say “get a room,” but the words died aborning and he found himself sitting there caught up in their romance. He looked up at Fili who smiled gently and slid an arm around the brunet’s shoulders. He leaned over, stretching upward in an invitation that was quickly accepted.

The two couples sat there for a long moment lost in each other, four very different people who meshed perfectly with their partner. It crossed the Irishman’s mind and then slid away as Fili’s kiss stole his breath along with all thought.

“Well aren’t we just a fine lot o’candyarses sitting here snogging like school boys?” Dwalin laughed, breaking the spell. He hugged Ori, squishing the breath out of him in a high-pitched squeak.

Ori retaliated by giving his ponytail a yank as he slid off the Scotsman’s lap. “Anyone want another beer?”

He looked over at Fili and Kili who were still snuggled together. Looking at Dwalin he said, “I think you started something there.”

“Aye and aboot time too.” He winked at Fili. “I’ve been waiting for you to jump that fine Irish arse for far too long.”

Kili untangled himself enough to reply. “There’s a fair amount of jumping going on where you can’t see it, ya perv. This is as much of a free show as ya get. Anything more will cost ya.”

Dwalin grinned as he looked toward the kitchen and called out, “Hey Ori, bring back the pie!”

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is two days late. Life got in the way.
> 
> I am making some changes to the way this story is presented, so bear with me. First, you will notice that there is no art accompanying this chapter. Pabu has a university schedule (including at least 4 hours a day on the bus) that is murderous – 5am to 9pm weekdays with study and commissions crammed in on the weekend. School and commissions must come first. Since this is the one thing where she has some options, art for this story will be now be sporadic, as she finds the time in her schedule. That she’s been able to do as many drawings as she has is wonderful. Every one of them is a gift…as is Pabu.
> 
> Second, you will see with this chapter, the addition of Fili’s point of view. I was trying an experiment of writing with a very limited point of view and have come to the conclusion that it cheats the reader (and myself) so you will see more of Fili’s thoughts and actions from now on. :)
> 
> I’m going to continue with posting every two weeks to give Pabu some time to draw if she can work it in. It also gives me a little time to work on other stories and try to remember how to art. And now back to our previously scheduled program.

The beach he and Kili had gone to was very different than Te Henga with its black sand and pounding surf. Everything in Dublin was so different. It was good for him; he thought. It reminded him every moment that he was no longer in New Zealand. He had come to the other side of the world to start a new life. He hadn’t counted on meeting anyone. In fact, he would have sworn that he never wanted to meet anyone again.

He sat at the stoplight and thought about Kili. He’d gone to the bar to drink and maybe dance. Daniel didn’t like to dance. He’d had far more to drink than he was used to and it had made him giddy. When he spotted that gorgeous dark Irishman he’d slipped on the persona of a bloke he didn’t even like and proceeded to try to make a fool out of himself. He’d come damnably close to succeeding. Bless the oddest couple he’d ever met for his rescue and redemption.

He’d been surprised that Kili was in a wheelchair, but what the fuck, it wasn’t the end of the world. His cousin Nate had been in one forever, besides it wasn’t like he wanted to take the guy home. It was fun to dance and pretend he was someone else for a while…someone a lot cheekier and more fun than Philip Durinson ever was.

The light changed, interrupting his reverie. He drove carefully...like an old man, Kili was always teasing. Most Kiwis drove like they couldn't die and he'd gotten used to being careful because first his father and then Daniel would have been upset had he wrecked the car. Dublin drivers weren't all that cautious either and he'd just as soon not get into an accident here either even though he had only himself to be upset. He'd explained his ingrained caution time and time again to the Irishman who'd just laughed at him.

He hadn't intended to get involved. He repeated that phrase in his head a couple of times and burst out laughing. _"So, how's that working out for ya?"_ he asked himself.

He knew the answer...pretty damn good.

Also, pretty damn scary.

During his years with Daniel he'd experienced just about every high and low there was, the high usually followed quickly by the low. When he finally figured out how much he was being manipulated he was so humiliated he crashed into depression and withdrew, prompting Daniel to threaten to have him committed.

That did it.

Like most New Zealanders, he was laid back and tended to understate most things. For the first time in years he pulled out of that mindset and reminded himself that he was descended from some of the fiercest warriors ever born. He went full Celt on Daniel, actually frightening the bastard with his fury. He would _not_ be cheated on, manipulated, and then threatened. The Englishman had stood well back as Fili had thrown clothing into a suitcase and stormed out of their condo.

Daniel's words followed him out the door. "You'll be back."

"The fuck I will!" had been his retort and promise.

It had been extremely satisfying to walk back in when Daniel wasn't home and collect the things he needed and those he treasured. The rest was replaceable and he left it without a backward glance. He'd already seen a lawyer who had separated their money and property. There would be much whinging about that in the months to come, all of which he thoroughly enjoyed.

His showing in London had gone well, actually far better than expected. The art critics had taken a shine to the slender golden Kiwi with the funny braided mustache. His paintings were abstract for the most part, but full of color and light. He'd been surprised when his watercolors had sold so well. He'd been experimenting with swirls and sweeps of colors that bled into one another, looped, and changed hue and tone. They were, as one critic put it, "pretty."

"Pretty" didn't usually sell with the art crowd who always seemed to prefer dark and dramatic. Maybe it was the fact that Fili was trying to find the light within himself that made them so appealing. Maybe it was just that it had been a hard winter and the critics were tired of dark and dismal. Whatever it was, it allowed him to bank a sizeable amount, have his photo taken with Kate Middleton and feel for a moment as if he had arrived.

An impatient horn behind him was a reminder that he might have arrived, but he's also better be going. Dubliners were every bit as impatient as Kiwis when it came to traffic signals. He was no stranger to be called a _"feckin' idjit"_ among other colorful and less translatable phrases. Some day he really was going to have to have Kili teach him some Gaelic curses, if nothing else, so he could make out what was being shouted at him. Grinning, he floored it and easily pulled away from the rattling old car with its irate driver.

His therapist was in one of the older parts of the city. He had some difficulty finding the building, but since he'd given himself plenty of time it wasn't a worry. He parked, took out his phone, and snapped some photos of the architecture. He'd be back with his camera to do it justice, but just taking the photos relaxed him a little. He hadn't been to therapy in six months and things had changed so much. The things he'd said the last time back in Auckland sounded as if someone else had spoken them.

Somewhat reluctantly he climbed the steps, noting a small sign that pointed to an entrance for the disabled around the corner. Ancient the city might be, but it was nice to know that some modern ideas were in place. He looked at the ivy climbing the wall, the roots as thick as his wrist. It had been there forever, just like the building that supported it. Somehow this made going in less worrisome.

He found the therapist's office easily. It heartened him that her sign was carefully hand painted and decorated with ivy wound in the style of Celtic knotwork. It read Kathleen Nolan with no profession listed, guaranteeing anonymity for anyone who entered. The office appeared to be divided into a small waiting room and another for the session. He took a seat in a chair that appeared to hark back to the Victorian era and looked around. The walls had soothing photographs of Irish scenery, with one particularly stunning shot of a sunrise over the ocean. The photographer had captured it moments after the sun rose, so that the clouds were washed with glowing pinks and lavenders.

"Do you like it?" a soft voice behind him inquired.

"Very much," he said without turning around. "I was wondering where it was taken."

"Killiney Beach," she replied. "About a year ago."

"Oh, you know the photographer?"

She laughed. "I _am_ the photographer. It gets me out of the office now and again. I’m Kathleen Nolan and you must be Philip Durinson.”

Fili turned and found himself facing a handsome woman with deep red hair that was just starting to show strands of silver. An impressive silver Celtic knotwork necklace graced her throat and matching earrings swung as she laughed. Her dress was simple and flowing; a swirl of blues and greens as if the oceans and meadows of Ireland had been caught in a maelstrom and then settled into an easy agreement in organdy. In short, she looked less like a therapist and more like an avant-garde artist. She held out her hand and shook his warmly. He liked her immediately.

He extended his hand and she took it firmly. “Most people call me Fili.”

Smiling she replied, “I’m glad to meet you, Fili. Please come in.”

She showed him into the inner office and shut the door. He took a seat on the long over-stuffed sofa that didn't look much newer than the chair he'd been sitting in. He noted a number of antiques scattered about holding small plants or knickknacks. The walls also boasted her photography, except for one that had a large framed piece of the most beautiful lace he'd ever seen. He was riveted by the intricacy of it.

She saw where he was looking and smiled. "It was my grandmother's shawl. It's Carrickmacross lace, handmade and very delicate."

"It's stunning," he said softly. "I can't imagine doing all that by hand."

"Me either," she replied smiling. "I think I will stick with photography as my art form." She lifted a folder from her desk and opened it. "I see you are quite the photographer yourself and a painter."

"I dabble." He looked up at her, his eyes sparkling with humor. He was feeling far more relaxed than he'd anticipated and wanted to see her laugh again.

"I noticed," she said dryly. "That was quite a showing you had in London, Mr. Dabbler. I should ‘dabble’ so well."

He shrugged. It always embarrassed him to listen to praise of his work. “It’s a living.”

She shook her head and rewarded him with a laugh. “You appear to be in a good mood this afternoon. How are things going for you since you moved to Dublin?”

Slowly at first, Fili told her of his move and his worries and his insecurity at being on his own for the first time in his life. She listened intently, occasionally asking a question, but mostly letting him talk. It was hard for him to open up to anyone, let alone someone he had just met. He danced around meeting Kili until he was nearly stuttering with nervousness.

Kathleen leaned back in her chair and smiled. “So you met a very attractive young man who likes you.”

“Well…uh…yes.” A smile touched the corners of his lips. “Yes, I guess he does.”

“You guess, or you know?” she asked quietly, her gaze never leaving his face.

He froze for a moment looking at her and then blinked. “I know. Yes…I mean, I know he does.”

“And you like him.” It wasn’t a question but it begged a reply.

“Yes, I do.” He could feel himself color a little. Dammit, he was actually blushing.

“Why?”

The question stopped him and his blush cooled. He looked up, blue eyes looking into green. The answer wasn’t there though, it was in his heart.

“He’s an awesome person. He’s handsome and brave and funny and kind.” He ran out of descriptors and sat quietly for a moment looking at his hands. He looked up, his eyes clouded.

“I suppose I should mention that he’s in a wheelchair.”

She nodded, her expression unchanged. “Is it temporary?”

“No.” He shifted uncomfortably. “It’s permanent. He was run over by a drunk driver and his spine was injured.”

“And talking about this makes you uncomfortable.” Her voice was even and soft, her expression questioning.

“I didn’t realize that it did, but yeah. I guess it does,” he mused. “I don’t know why.”

“Do you think I will judge either of you?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know.”

He looked at the photograph of an ancient ruin overrun with ivy. “Maybe.”

“What are you afraid that I will say?”

He pulled his eyes from the photograph and looked at her. “I don’t know, maybe that it’s a way for me to try to be somebody. If I’m taking care of him…that I feel, I don’t know, more responsible. More capable.”

“Don’t you feel capable?”

“Not usually. I feel like I’m pretending to be an adult.” Fili shifted and looked at his hands. “I keep waiting to fuck up.”

“What will happen if you fuck up?”

“He’ll leave.” He felt hot tears sting his eyes and he blinked them away angrily.

“And you will be alone again.”

She waited so that he could compose himself. “You’ve been alone for the last fourteen months. It’s something you can survive. Now what is really bothering you.”

“I met his mother,” Fili’s voice was low and he didn’t realize that his hands had started to tremble.

“How did that go?”

He looked at her and then down at his hands. He willed them to be still but the shaking only worsened.

“It was a nightmare.”

"How so?”

“She waited until we were done eating to tell Kili she hated him being gay and then she just took him apart.” He took a deep breath and let it out with a shudder.

“What did she say?” The therapist leaned forward, inviting him to talk.

“That she’d hoped he’d outgrow it and that she was afraid of him getting AIDS. I couldn’t hear everything because I’d left the table, but she was loud enough to hear in the kitchen and even out on the porch. She just kept hammering at him.”

“I wanted to go and make her stop, but I couldn’t because she’s his mum. I had to listen to her.” His voice caught. “I couldn’t help him any more than I could help myself.”

“What do you mean by help yourself?”

The question sent him spinning back in time. His father had been relentless. He couldn’t escape. He was pinned like a bug on cardboard. Like Kili he could only stay and listen and break inside.

“I should have known,” his father had shouted. “I should have seen it and put a stop to it. This is all my fault for letting your mother coddle you and let you study art.”

He’d been horrified. “No, dad, it doesn’t work like that.”

He’d started to try to talk to his father, but it was becoming increasingly apparent that his carefully planned coming out speech was useless against his father’s onslaught. He found himself standing there allowing his father to rant because he had no idea how to stop him.

He’d looked over at his mum who remained seated, shoulders stiff and head bowed. She wouldn’t even look at him. His brother had gotten up and left. He heard a car start in the driveway and tires squeal as it tore away from the house.

Fili was more alone than he had ever been in his life. He’d always felt loved and supported. He was the oldest child and had taken that responsibility seriously, even when his brother had outgrown him by several inches and a number of pounds. If asked he would have said that he was incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful family.

“Get out!” His father was yelling. He must have repeated it several times before it registered.

Fili stood there just looking at him, his brain not processing the words.

“Are you stupid as well as queer? Get the hell out of my house!”

He felt as if he was going to faint. “Where…will I go?”

“That’s no concern of mine. Pack up and get out!” His father was nearly purple, the veins in his temples throbbing as he yelled.

Devastated, Fili looked at his mother. “Mum?”

“Don’t look at her. She’s done with you too. Get out!”

His mother refused to look at him. He would get no help there. He turned and walked out of the room, his father’s words a lash across his back.

Barely holding it together, he’d shoved what he could into his gym bag. He slung his camera over his shoulder and then stuffed what he could into his laptop bag along with his computer. He knew he’d never be back, so he tried to take necessities. But it was so hard to think. It was so hard not to throw himself down across the bed he’d slept in since childhood and try to find comfort under his poster of the All Blacks.

He’d gone downstairs and out the door. His father had moved to stop him, ordering him to leave the laptop behind since it had been his Christmas gift. It had all of his photos and digital art on it and from somewhere deep inside he found himself whirling to confront his father.

“This is mine! You touch it and I’ll break your fucking arm! You can have everything else. Sell it or burn it, I don’t care, but you can’t have my art.”

The look on his face was murderous and his father backed up, letting him go into the night.

He thought for a moment that he wouldn’t be allowed to take his car since his father had helped him buy it, but the door remained blessedly closed behind him.

He drove down to the pier and sat there until the chill of the ocean bit deep into his muscles. When there were no more tears and he’d run out of self-recriminations. He called Daniel.

“How old were you?” Kathleen asked softly.

“Eighteen, not quite nineteen,” he mumbled.

“And Daniel took you in? And then what happened?”

“I never left. I was going to drop out of uni. I was going to Elam at University of Auckland, but Daniel wouldn’t let me. He helped me get funding and kept at me until I finished with my degree. I guess it’s one thing I have to thank him for,” Fili said ruefully.

“And the incident at dinner brought all this back.” It wasn’t a question.

He nodded. “I wanted to go in and do anything I had to do to stop her.”

“Why didn’t you?”

He almost smiled. “A very very large man encouraged me not to do it. He was right. I would have just fucked things up even more. It’s just that it reminded me of what happened with my dad and mum.”

She nodded and gave him a sympathetic smile. “How are your relations with them now? Have you been able to patch things up a bit?”

Fili nodded and then shrugged in a very mixed message signal. “Yes and no,” he said confirming his body language. “We are back on speaking terms, but it’s nothing like it used to be. And my brother still avoids me.”

“I thought New Zealand was pretty liberal about being gay.”

“Me too. Right up until I found out there is a big difference between New Zealand and my family. They had given some lip service to being liberal about it, but I guess there’s a huge difference between a “them” you don’t know and an “us” when it’s your own family.”

He sat up and stretched back to tug out the kinks forming in his back from thinking about his family. “When I left Daniel I made it a point to try to reconnect with them. Mum was easier. I knew she missed me since she never stopped sending birthday and Christmas presents and the occasional email.”

“Dad admitted he’s been somewhat of an arse about it all,” he continued with a tiny smile. “He blames himself even though he’s smart enough and well-read enough to know that’s bullshit.”

“And your brother?”

“Dane has problems with the idea of anal sex. I pointed out that straight men like it too and that not all gays do it, but he was too grossed out to listen. I feel sorry for his wife.”

He laughed ruefully and continued. “He acts more like an idiot teen about the whole thing than an adult, so screw him.” He blinked and said, ”No…wait…forget I said that.”

Both he and Kathleen laughed and he relaxed a little. “You are doing very well considering all you have been through. It appears your psyche has had enough of being alone and has chosen someone special.”

Fili nodded. “He is special and I don’t want to lose him because I’m moving too fast. I don’t want to do to him what Daniel did to me.”

The tears appeared without warning and he sat there looking down with them streaming down his face. A box of tissues was next to him and he dug at it and then mopped his face. He felt like an idiot sitting there crying like a child who was afraid of losing a toy. She’d think he was a disaster. He took a long shivering breath. He’d disappointed so many people in his life.

Kathleen sat quietly, looking over the notes sent by his first therapist in Auckland. She waited until the storm passed and he could get himself under control.

Fili blew his nose, wadded up the tissues, and dropped them into the little wastebasket next to the sofa.

“Sorry about that,” he mumbled.

The Irishwoman looked at him kindly. “It’s okay to cry when you get overwhelmed. Now tell me, did Kili need to move in with you?”

Fili shook his head. “He hurt his hands and needed some help though.”

“I see. Could he have gotten that help from anyone else?”

He nodded. “Yes, he has family and friends who could help.”

“But he chose you?” He could tell she was asking if his assistance was voluntarily.

“I guess we just sort of agreed on it. He didn’t ask and I didn’t offer, we just made plans on how to handle it.”

She smiled at him and he relaxed a little. “I see, so basically you’re telling me that you approached it like partners with neither of you being the only one to make the decision.”

“Yeah.” He smiled a little as he remembered how they had just gone for it. “We needed each other when it happened and then just took it from there.”

"So how is this in any way like you and Daniel?"

He looked at her and cocked his head. “I guess it’s not so much like it at all. Kili has his own flat, friends, and family. He doesn’t have to stay with me.”

Kathleen smiled at him. “So, are you with Kili just so you can take care of him?”

Fili’s smile nudged the corners of his mouth, making his mustache sway a little. “I help him now and again, but I don’t ‘take care of him’. I like helping him, but I like seeing what he can do on his own. He’s a fighter. He doesn’t need anyone to take care of him.”

“Then you have just answered the questions you came in with, Fili.” She leaned forward a little, her eyes twinkling. “You think the two of you are good for each other and I think you are very right.”

Her smile was warm and he found himself smiling back. “You worry a good deal about what others think of you. It’s one of the things that we need to work on.”

She pointed to another photograph of Killiney Beach.

"You see those rocks? They're been there for eons. The sea washes over them, but does not change them. Storms come and go and yet they remain. Your belief in yourself is like that. Whatever storms may come you can handle them once you are sure who you are."

Fili looked doubtful.

"You have already weathered one storm." She smiled at him and he felt a sense of relief washing over him. "There are more to come, but there are good days to balance. Gain strength from the good days to anchor yourself for the bad ones."

He nodded, not feeling at all hesitant. He wasn't a rock yet, but he was not the man he had been either. This was a start and one he felt good about.

Kathleen was still smiling. He was a very sensitive man with a big heart and very poor self-esteem. She’d liked him the moment she’d met him. He was exactly what his chart said: a good man who had been treated badly, but that was changing and so was he. She was going to enjoy working with him.

She pulled out her appointment book. “Same time next week?”

He nodded, surprised at how fast the time had gone. “Sure. That would be fine.”

She handed him an appointment card and stood up. “You know, you’re not the person I thought was going to walk through my door. What you are doing is right for you. Keep up the good work.”

Fili paid her, shook her hand, and left feeling as if he should have hugged her. It was hard talking about his family and reliving the horror of his coming out, but he felt better for having talked about it. It felt more distant now, less painful as if he had let go of a little more of the pain. There were some things that people just didn’t understand no matter what and he knew that was what was between him and his father.

He’d read somewhere that if you love someone and you can’t change them, you just have to accept and love them as they are. He smiled a little. That was a very good thought to hang onto.

He climbed in his car to head home. Home where Kili was waiting for him. _It doesn’t_ , he thought, _get any better than this._

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The driving lessons are taking bleeding forever and Kili is not amused. Since he doesn’t suffer in silence, Fili is not amused either. But love is putting up with your partner even when you want to gag them. Love is also knowing when to call in reinforcements.
> 
> A HUGE thank you to Pabu for taking the time to do the incredible illustration in spite of having no time between uni, commissions and personal projects. You are absolutely amazing!!
> 
> The watercolor is mine and shows what you can do with Photoshop Elements and an on-line tutorial. :)

  

The day dawned soft and lovely: a perfect Dublin summer day. Kili slept in while Fili got up and caught some of the morning light to start a new painting. He loved watercolors and dawn. Sunset was meant for acrylics with its slashes of orange and purple, but dawn was a soft wash that tiptoed in and spread a shawl of color and light over the land.

He was adding highlights to the beach when Kili came wheeling out. “You’re painting!”

Kili’s smile was brilliant and Fili returned it. Whatever had been locked inside had come open during his therapy session. He couldn’t tell Kili that he’d been blocked or the Irishman would have blamed himself. It wasn’t because of Kili, it was his own thick-headedness that made him shut away old pain and with it his painting.

“I am, yeah,” he replied. “The sun was so beautiful I just had to capture a little of it.”

“What are you painting?” Kili cocked his head trying to identify the landscape. “I mean, is this from a photo? Where did you take it?”

“It’s just a composite scene from my head. It’s no place really, it’s just my imagination.” He quickly worked on the ocean foam before the paper dried.

Kili watched him with rapt interest. “I swear I know that place, but I can’t remember what it’s called. Why is the sand so dark?”

“This is one of our black sand beaches in New Zealand. If you feel like you’ve been to a beach I invented, in a country you’ve never been to, then I’m doing something right.” Grinning, he took a small brush and signed the painting, then stepped back to put it in perspective. He was pleased that it held up well to his scrutiny.

 

 

Kili looked up at him all chocolate puppy eyes. “Can I have it? I mean, I’ll pay for it, I think it’s beautiful.”

Fili stepped over to him and bent to kiss him softly. “It’s my gift to you. Didn’t you notice the signature? I’m going to take you to a beach like that someday and we will sit and watch New Zealand stars.”

Kili’s burst into a smile, but then his brows knitted. “Oh wow, you signed it, Fili. But no, I can’t just take it. It’s worth a lot. You shouldn’t give your art away.”

Fili hauled the wooden chair from his studio over and turned it so that it was facing Kili. He sat on it so they were eyelevel. “It’s a sketch and I’m happy to give it to you. I’m even happier that you would want it.”

He drew the Irishman into his arms and kissed him breathless. “In fact, it means all the world to me that you’d want it.” Another long slow kiss. “We’ll have to decide on a frame for it and where in your flat you want to hang it.”

Kili buried his face in Fili’s neck for a long moment and then asked, “That,” he replied, “is one hell of a ‘sketch.’ Is it okay if we hang it here?" His voice was muffled, the question hesitant.

“Here? Sure, here’s fine. That way I can look at it and know you wanted it.” If painting got him compliments and kisses, he might just have to start painting every day.

“Of course I want it, you git.” He looked at the painting and then back to Fili. “Every time I look at it I’m going to see us on that beach.”

“That,” Fili said drawing him in for another kiss, “Is the whole idea.”

Sometime later, Kili wheeled into the kitchen to make breakfast while Fili cleaned up. He left the painting on the easel, enjoying looking at it. It wasn’t so much that it was a great painting. He’d done it far too quickly for that, but it meant something to them both and even more important it marked a crack in the cement of the wall that had kept him away from his art. He was determined to chip away at it for as long as he had to until it crumbled to dust at his feet.

They talked over their eggs and sausage. The driving lessons were going to go on far longer than Kili was happy with. There was more to learn than he realized and when everyone made it plain that he wasn’t going to be given the keys until he was safe enough not to break his neck along with his back, he had fallen into a pattern of complaining.

Fili would have loved to say that it was endearing, but it was far from it. Whining isn’t attractive in anyone, not even a gorgeous Irishman with eyes of chocolate and amber.

“Why,” he said around a mouthful of toast, “don’t you give it a rest? You aren’t going to be certified on the controls until your wrists are healed more and you aren’t likely to run over any little old ladies crossing the street. You admit that you’re still trying to put the brakes on with your foot. It takes time to retrain yourself; you should know that. I can’t imagine you just rode out the first day and did a perfect flip."

Kili stuck his lower lip out. Okay, that _was_ endearing, but the middle finger that shot up was less so. The brunet didn’t take well to not getting his way. So far, his way had also been Fili’s way, but Irish stubbornness was going to butt heads with Kiwi quiet resistance sooner or later. If Kili kept pestering everyone about the car, Fili knew it was going to come sooner rather than later.

Kili had said the new therapy was going well and he and Bifur were developing sort of a friendly competition over it. Of course, someone with a stroke is going to make more gains than a bloke with a spinal cord injury, but Bofur was trying to convince Kili that personal bests were better than contests anyway. As he’d put it, “When you try to beat the other guy you only have to be a little better than he is. When you try to beat yourself you can never let up.”

Kili had never tried for a personal best and he frankly admitted that it was a bitch. As soon as he reached one goal, he’d set another and strive toward that.

Fili smiled and got up to clean the table and do their few dishes. As he ran water into the sink he watched Kili sipping his tea. The Irishman only went back to his flat to take care of elimination and to shower. Fili was no longer needed with the one and was delighted to help with the other so they had some time together that scandalized Mrs. Turner, who lived next door and apparently owned either a very good listening glass or a stethoscope. In a bid to keep her frustrated they agreed to only quiet blowjobs at the flat, saving their athletic events for more soundproofed surroundings.

After breakfast they did a soak of Kili’s wrists in the Fundinson Funk, as Kili rather aptly dubbed it. It made the Irishman sneeze, necessitating a cleanup when he instinctively raised his hand to block it and spattered goo all over his face and shirt. Fili thought he rather resembled a leprechaun gone bad and said as much, earning him an earful of Gaelic invective.

They were settling in together, a situation that pleased Kili greatly and worried Fili constantly. Granted,  it had only been a little more than a week since the Sunday night meltdown, but Kili had made it plain that the Kiwi was his life raft and that he had every intention of hanging on tightly.

Talking to Kathleen helped immensely and Fili felt immeasurably better about them being a steady item, but he was still worried about Kili being a little too comfortable with not speaking to his mother. He knew how hard it was to try to piece back a shattered relationship, not to mention a broken heart. He also knew that the brunet was avoiding the situation and that was going to make it harder in the long run.

In desperation, Fili called Thorin.

* * * *

Kili didn’t have therapy until tomorrow, so they had the day to themselves. Fili wanted to go out, but it meant the push-chair and Kili refused to be pushed. Fili had half a mind to see about renting him a power chair, but thought the better of it. Little old ladies would have even less of a chance if he was driving down the sidewalk.

Kili insisted on getting into his own chair by late afternoon and found that he could push himself if he wore the braces and was careful. Fili made him promise to stop if it hurt because that meant he’d only be doing more damage and delaying his getting certified in his car.

 _Please God_ , Fili thought, no more delays. _I’ll never live through it and neither will he because I’m gonna kill him._

By dinner it was clear that in his own chair he at least suffered more quietly, but not silently. One thing Fili had learned was that Kili suffered nothing in silence.

On the other hand…neither did he.

It had been partly cloudy all afternoon and by early evening it had become overcast. So much for going to the beach and photographing the sunset and the stars. Fili could feel himself chafe with irritation. He looked out of the window at the sky for the hundredth time and snapped, “What the hell is it with the weather in Dublin? Every time I make plans it fucking rains.”

Kili didn’t look up. “It always rains in Dublin. I thought you knew that.”

Fili looked at him, his brows furrowed in irritation. Then he suddenly burst into laughter.

“What’s so fuckin’ funny?” Kili demanded, putting down the magazine he was reading.

“I am,” Fili said grinning. “I’ve been telling you to stop whining about the car and now I’m whining about the weather. You’d think we’d know enough not to bitch about something we can’t change.”

The brunet shrugged. “I knew better than to do a lot of things; it doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop doing them.”

“Yeah, I suppose not. You want to go out for a drink?”

Kili shook his head. “I’m a little achy. I think I’d like a pain pill and go to bed and be cuddled tonight.”

Fili came over and rubbed the tight muscles in his shoulders. “I think I just might be able to manage that.”

* * *

The next day it was still overcast, but the rain appeared to be over, at least for now. Fili drove Kili to his driving class and waited for him, alternately checking his email on his phone and watching Kili’s progress in maneuvering the car.

The lesson had ended with the Irishman being told in no uncertain terms that it was a ten to twelve week program and he had to pass a driver’s test after that. No amount of Irish charm swayed the instructor, whose motto was “Shut up and learn.” Kili understood, but it did not mean that he was happy about it. He got into the car looking like a thunderstorm.

Fili looked over at him, trying not to smile. “That good, huh? Well, let’s go grab some lunch. I know just the place.”

“Not hungry.” The reply was sullen and pouty. His hands were aching from the lesson, putting him in a black mood.

The blond forced himself not to laugh. He couldn't help it; Kili was cute when he was pissed. Deadly looking, but adorable to those who knew that it was all bluster. Kili was in no mood to talk, so Fili just drove. He just steered the car into a parking lot and got out. “You can sit there and suck your thumb, or you can come in and have a nice lunch. Your choice.”

He got the wheelchair out of the trunk and opened the door for Kili who sat there and glared at it and then up at him. The Irishman’s look shifted from irritation to chagrin. “I’m sorry I’m being such a prick. I’m tired of hurting and I want my car. And I want to be able to push myself again.” The subtext that didn't need to be spoken was how much he hated having to use a wheelchair at all.

Fili looked into his dark eyes and felt an almost irresistible urge to sweep him up in a hug. “I know. Bofur told you to take it easy with pushing yourself, so just at home, yeah? And I want you to stop hurting and be zipping around town terrorizing the natives in your car, but we just have to take it day by day.”

Kili gave him a truly evil look. "If you fucking knew how often I've heard those words and how much I hate them..."

The blond threw up his hands. "They're erased from my memory. You'll never hear them from me again."

"Good.” Kili snapped. “Now feed me." He swung himself into the chair, wincing a little as he took too much pressure on his right palm.

As they entered the restaurant Fili said something quietly to the hostess and they were guided to a table on a nearly deserted patio. The man seated at the table looked up at them and smiled.

Kili was more than a little surprised. “Thorin, what are you doing here?”

“Having a glass of wine while I’m waiting for my favorite nephew,” he replied sagely.

“I’m your only nephew,” Kili retorted, giving both men a suspicious look.

“Quite true and as such I have concerns for your welfare.”

The brunet snorted. “Stop sounding so damn Oxford. You’re shanty Irish like me.”

Thorin chuckled and motioned for Fili to be seated. “Quite right. Thank you for reminding me, you little shit.”

There was a hesitation and then Kili laughed. “So are you buying? I’m starving and I have a hunch I’m going to need at least one beer to get through this. You aren’t here just because you miss me.”

“That’s true,” Thorin conceded. He beckoned for the waitress and placed their order.

The waitress brought two beers and a Coke for Thorin. “One glass is my limit when I’m working. Thankfully, the days when I drank my lunch are far behind me.”

The meal was quiet except for Kili’s unquenchable excitement at having finally gotten his car, even if he couldn’t drive it yet. Thorin had helped him pick it out and was more aware of the specifications than Kili, whose only thought had been that it be blue and go fast. Still, he listened patiently as his nephew described it inside and out. The boy’s joy was something that always made his heart smile. He could be gruff and many thought him without humor, but Kili never failed to bring out his softer side.

The young Irishman plowed through his lunch, completely negating his statement that he wasn’t hungry. As usual there wasn’t much talk during the meal, just an appreciation of food well prepared. Thorin, of course, knew all the best places to eat.

As Kili dug into the chocolate mousse Thorin had so thoughtfully ordered, his uncle cleared his throat and asked, “So how are you doing?”

He paused the spoon halfway to his mouth. “Is that a segue to a discussion about Mum?”

Thorin nodded and Kili frowned, finishing his bite. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, at some point you have to.”

“This isn’t the point.” He dug into the dessert again, ignoring his uncle.

A heavy sigh and then a glance at Fili. “Your mother is miserable.”

“Good.”

“No, it’s not good,” Thorin’s voice was low and tense. “She’s the dangerous kind of miserable where stupid decisions get made.”

Fili stiffened, feeling as if he had no business in this discussion. He shot a look at Thorin who nodded, giving him permission to stay.

“I’m trying to talk her into meeting with a priest who is a friend of mine. I’d like her to speak with someone who lives in this century.”

He reached over and laid his hand on Kili’s. “I’d like you to meet with him as well.”

Kili pulled his hand back. “I’m delighted that you have a priest for a mate, but I'm not religious. I don’t like all that fairytale shite.”

“You might think of it that way, but your mother has grabbed onto it and right now it’s all she has.”

“I don’t give a damn.” The words were sharp and bitter. He didn’t look at either of the men.

“Yes, you do,” Fili whispered.

The brunet glared at him, but the Kiwi met his gaze without blinking. “Lying to yourself isn’t going to help anything. I know. I’ve been there. Remember?”

Kili put down his spoon and heaved a sigh. He could feel his vision misting and it pissed him off. He wanted to stay angry so that it would protect him from the hurt. When his wall started to crumble, he could feel the tears start. He scrubbed at them with his knuckles; digging in hard, trying to push them back, but it was like trying to stem a tsunami.

Thorin quickly moved his chair next to Kili’s and pulled him over into a hug, letting him cry. He sat like a silent stone waiting out the storm of emotion. When Kili was done, his uncle handed him a napkin so he could blow his nose.

“Sorry, I didn’t know I was going to do that,” he mumbled. He sat there staring ahead, misery etched into every feature. His hands lay lifeless in his lap as if he had no will or strength to move them.

 

 

 

Thorin laid a gentle arm around his shoulders. “It’s okay, you’ve had a rough time, but so has your mum.”

He nodded sadly. “Yeah, I suppose she has, holding all that in for so long. I wish I’d had some idea how she felt.”

“We all do,” his uncle replied. “This could all have been avoided if we’d realized how alone she is.”

Kili looked at his uncle and then dropped his eyes. “I don’t know how to talk to her about it, I never did. I sort of told her I liked guys. I didn’t want to talk about it and neither did she. She seemed to accept it. I asked her if she had any questions and she said she didn’t. I guess she didn’t know how to ask them, or maybe she didn’t know how to ask me to stop being gay.”

He shrugged and heaved a sigh. “I never talked about it, but when I still lived at home I would come in late a lot, or not come home at all. She had to know where I was and what I was doing.”

His uncle nodded. “She did, but denial is a powerful shield and as long as she didn’t admit it, then it wasn’t happening.”

“I guess I flipped her switch pretty good at dinner,” Kili said ruefully.

Thorin squeezed his shoulder. “I think that’s an understatement. You happened to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and her denial parted like the Red Sea, with pretty much the same results."

"Look, I can understand her worry about me. It's not like I don't know that she's protective of me. Trying to escape that is probably how I ended up with bikes." He poked his dessert, but didn't take a bite. "I guess I'm still a rebellious brat."

Thorin chuckled. "Well, you won't get an argument from me about that, but you're a good kid. You've always been a good kid, never getting into any real trouble. She's proud of you, you know."

He shook his head. "I don't think so." He poked his empty bottle with the tip of one finger. "I need another beer."

"No, you don't," Thorin said with quiet authority. "You need to understand this brave and complicated woman that's we've both taken for granted for far too long."

He sipped his Coke and then pushed the glass back. "There are things about your mother that she never wanted you to know, but I think it's way past time for you to really get to know your mum."

Fili started to rise, but Thorin waved him to be seated. "You've fast becoming a part of this family and it's only right that you hear this too. It's nothing derogatory and might make understanding easier.

"Your mum was only 13 when I came out. It was 1986, being gay was illegal, and I became deeply involved in the gay rights movement. AIDS was terrifying people and they were actually holding HIV positive men in hospitals against their will, making people afraid to come in for treatment. We were fighting against the hysteria, trying to show people that just because you were a gay man didn't mean you were infected." He dragged his fingers through his hair, dislodging some from his low ponytail.

"When you're an upperclassman at Oxford you think you're pretty smart." He shook his head sadly. "I was an idiot and your mother paid the price.

"The fear of AIDS set gay rights back a hundred years. People already thought we were sick or depraved and now we were contaminated as well. All the work that had been done up until then went out the window with HIV. It wasn't until 1990 that we even dared to have our first Gay Pride rally. Like the rest of the chavs I associated with we thought we knew more than anyone else. We were so wrong."

He took a swallow of Coke and continued, not meeting Kili's eyes. "I should have explained things to Dis. I should have realized that our father was not the understanding sort, but I was too caught up in doing what was politically right for 'the cause.' Maybe if Mum had still been alive it would have been different.”

Kili’s brows pulled down so far they shaded his eyes to black. “You’re talking like this is all your fault. It’s not. It…”

Thorin cut him off. “It _is_ my fault. If I hadn’t been so bloody self-righteous none of this would have happened.”

“You can’t know that.” This time it was Fili’s turn to intervene.

“I can and do,” Thorin said firmly. “But I can’t change what’s happened. I tried to be there for Dis, but I was years too late. I left her with Frerin thinking that our father would calm down, but...again…I was wrong.

“Dublin wasn’t a safe place for anyone to be openly gay. We had two gay bars, if you could call them that, and the usual less than discrete places to hookup like parks. In 1982 a gay man named Declan Flynn was beaten to death in Fairview Park and his murderers were given suspended sentences by a judge who openly said that they were ‘cleaning up the area.’ Oxford was safer and so I stayed there, not coming home even for holidays.

“I got letters from Frerin and the occasional call keeping me abreast of family matters, but he took it upon himself not to tell me the depth of our father’s hatred toward me. When he stood up for me it was turned on him. Dis told me years later that he was assaulted several times for having a queer brother.” Thorin shook his head sadly. “They knew I was queer because my father told people, apparently going out of his way to spread hate and prejudice. This is what your mum had to grow up hearing.”

He looked at Kili, his eyes dark with sorrow. “Leaving her there with him is my greatest regret. She had Frerin for a few years, but he joined the RAF when he was nineteen and that sent our father into an even fiercer rage. He now had a traitor for a son as well as a queer.”

“Was Granddad IRA?” Kili’s eyes widened and he couldn’t hide his surprise. All this was completely new to him. He barely remembered his grandfather and what he did remember was a man who was distant and quite cold.

Thorin nodded solemnly. “When he was young. That’s how he lost his eye. He was mixing it up with a gang of Protestant chavs, one of whom had a broken bottle.” Kili winced visibly. “If he’d ever had any love for anyone but his own it died in that alley.”

Thorin sipped the watery Coke at the bottom of his glass. “You can imagine how happy he was when I took them up on the scholarship to Oxford. Not going to Trinity infuriated him, even though they hadn’t offered me nearly as much and I would have had to work my way through. I was a deserter.”

He looked down at the table. “Father thought I was deserting him and Ireland and at the time, so did I.” He looked sadly at Kili. “We know now who I really deserted.

“Then Frerin joined the RAF and left Dis alone with all his hatred and bile. I knew he was closing himself off, but didn’t know what to do about it. Being the selfish prick I was I didn’t worry about her; after all she was living at home where it was safe.”

He dug his fingers in a hard pinch between his eyes. Kili reached over and laid his hand on top of his uncle’s. Squeezing gently he said, “You did your best. You’re not psychic.”

Thorin looked up and Fili thought he saw his eye color lighten a little. It was hard to be a spectator to his story, but he knew he needed to be there for Kili…and maybe a little for Thorin too.

“I don’t think Frerin ever came home again. I only got a few letters from him. He was glad to be gone and loved the RAF and the jets he serviced. He was one of the few killed in 1990 during Operation Granby.” Thorin looked up at Fili and clarified. “The Gulf War.”

Kili looked stricken. He glanced at Fili and then back to Thorin. “I never knew. Mum wouldn’t talk about it, so I never asked.”

His uncle gave him a sympathetic look. “Why would you? It happened before you were born.”

“What happened then?” Kili was almost afraid to ask.

“I went back home for his funeral and found myself the only one there.” This time there was no mistaking the mist of tears in his eyes. “Our father refused to have a wake or to attend the funeral. No one knew where Dis was.”

His voice hitched and it took several deep breaths before he was able to continue. “Frerin had gone from being everyone’s favorite to completely abandoned. A few family members came for the mass, but Father had made certain they knew about me and no one could come near me. I sat at the front with Frerin. Two outcasts together.

“The priest avoided me as well, but allowed me to stay near the coffin. He didn’t approve of me, but he wasn’t cruel. I stayed as long after the ceremony as I could, but had to leave when the cemetery closed.”

Fili and Kili shared a glance as they both thought about a younger version of Thorin staying by his brother’s lonely grave for as long as he was allowed. How could a father be so cruel? The blond closed his eyes for a moment, thinking about his own father and realizing how much he really was loved.

Kili added his other hand to the one holding Thorin’s. “What happened to Mum, did you ever find out?”

The bigger man nodded slowly. “She’d run off to join the IRA. She was only seventeen and left school to fight the British. I don’t know much about what she did, but I know she went up to Belfast and over to London. I lost track of her there. It was a time the IRA was very active and very violent. In 1990 they claimed responsibility for nearly four hundred attacks with nearly as many people killed or injured.”

He could scarcely make himself look at Kili. “I don’t know if your mother killed anyone. I don’t. I think at the time she was capable of it, but I have no proof that she did any more than run away and fall in love.”

“With my da? You know about my da?” Kili looked both excited and worried.

Thorin nodded. “Killian O’Flaherty was a good man, as terrorists go. It’s for sure than he loved your mother, but it was war as far as they were concerned and there was no time for weddings. I don’t know if he ever even knew she was pregnant.”

“What happened to my da, do you know?” Kili’s grip on Thorin’s hand tightened.

“Are you sure you want to know? Be very sure.”

Kili looked over at Fili, his eyes misted and worried. “I can’t make this decision for you,” Fili said softly, sliding his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders.

The brunet leaned into him for a few moments, drawing strength. Then he looked at Thorin, his eyes clear, his expression neutral. “Okay. Tell me.”

“On October 13th, 1991 the IRA attacked an army convoy and a lot of shots were fired. Two British officers were killed and one member of the IRA. It’s likely, even probable, that your mother was there when your father was killed.”

Kili released Thorin’s hand and turned to bury his face into Fili’s chest.

“I’m so sorry.” His uncle’s voice was a broken whisper that barely crossed the table.

“Do you know what happened to his…his body?”

Thorin shook his head. “The custom would have been to take it, identify him and then ship his body back to his family for burial.”

“I’ve never met my grandparents. Do you think they know about me?” He looked hopeful for a moment.

Thorin shook his head. “No. They don’t know about you. If your mother had had her way I wouldn’t know about you. No one would. The only reason I know about her is that one of the detectives I hired found that she was massively pregnant and living on the dole in a slum in Cork. I guess she wanted to get as far away from everything as she could.” He looked up at Kili, his face twisting as he struggled against the tears that were beating at the back of his eyes. “And no, the IRA doesn’t take care of its own when its own is a pregnant unwed girl.”

“She lost everything.” Fili found himself speaking out even though it wasn’t his place. He was immediately silent and hugged Kili tighter.

“Yes, she did.” Thorin’s voice was calm, but two lone tears made their way down his face to the refuge of his mustache. “She lost everything except you.

“I went to where she was living and refused to leave until she let me in. I pounded so hard on the door that the landlady threatened to call the gardi. That’s the only reason she agreed to talk to me, to avoid being shamed more by having the law come. I made myself such a pain in the arse that the landlady finally came in and told her, ‘For the love of Mary and Joseph go home with your brother, this is no place to have a wee one.’ It would have been funny if Dis hadn’t been so mad at me at the time.”

“Where did you take her?” Kili asked. “I know I was born in Dublin.”

“That you were and couldn’t wait to get out to raise hell.” Thorin almost smiled at the memory. “I had a nice flat in Clondalkin with a neighbor who it turned out was a retired nurse. Your mum was still mad at me, but she fell in love with that little flat and its flowered wallpaper and tiny garden in back. She fell in love with her neighbor too. It’s a shame that Mary passed on before you were old enough to remember her. You spent many a night in her arms as she rocked you so your poor mother could get some sleep.”

“She sounds nice,” Fili observed.

“She was the best. If ever there is a soul that belongs in Heaven it’s hers. If it wasn’t for her talking some sense into your mum I don’t know what I’d have done. I moved here to be close to her and we finally got to know each other years too late. But we became friends eventually.

“I was there the night you were born. It was a beautiful soft summer night with a moon that lit the way for the poor midwife who had to come from delivering another baby. She said it must be the moon because they were ‘fair battlin’ to be born.’ And she was right; you wasted no time, appearing right after she got there. Thank the heavens for Mary who kept your mother company while this poor sod sat on the steps waiting for the midwife.”

He chuckled. “Menfolk are just useless at births. We only do half the job and think it’s over. It’s the women who do the real work. You were an ugly little monkey; head of shaggy black hair, face scrunched up, and screaming for all you were worth. Mary shoved you into my arms and I near dropped you, but she righted you and smacked me until I held you proper. I was there when you were baptized too. By then you looked like something someone might want to keep, but you still yelled all the time. Always hungry.”

Fili laughed. “He still is. He’s bottomless. I swear I don’t know where he puts it all.”

The Irishman turned and stuck his tongue out at Fili who smiled and said, “And he’s just as mature.”

Thorin reached over and ruffled his nephew’s hair. “Your granddad would have none of you until he saw you for the first time, smiling with Frerin’s face and reaching out to him. I think you were the only thing he unbent for since your nana passed.

“He was a hard man and he made his children hard. He never forgave any of us for our sins. But you I think he loved.”

Kili knuckled a tear away and heaved a sigh. “Thank you for telling me about Mum.”

“She’s lost everything but you, Killian my lad. Everything but you.”

He leaned over and took his nephew into his arms and held him tightly. “Can you find it in your heart to forgive her…just a little?”

Kili nodded and buried deeper into the safety of Thorin’s hug. His breathing became ragged for a few moments before he managed to quell the tears. He could see his mother as an angry young girl and then as a lost sister, a rejected daughter who hadn’t even had the solace of burying the man she loved. How much can a heart take before it breaks in two?

“I think I’d like to talk to your priest now,” he whispered, and Thorin smiled.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s not easy to find out family secrets, or to learn that they are the cause of your present misery. It’s even less easy to accept them when you’ve found they are about your mother. It helps to have someone who cares deeply about you and who has suffered some of the same hurts. It brings you closer together. It helps the nights be more peaceful and the days more survivable. It brings hope.

 

Kili was uncharacteristically quiet for the rest of the day. He put the headphones on and let Fili help him transfer to the sofa in the living room. He sat there the rest of the afternoon, listening to music and shutting out the world.

Fili worked on his computer, battling with Photoshop. He hated retouched photos, but there was the occasional power line or bystander who needed to be removed, or a color correction to make due to the lighting at the time of the shot. He’d tried to draw and paint with the program but it felt so unnatural to him that he just used it for touchups and kept his art in the real world.

When it started getting late, Fili got up and lifted one of the earphones. “I’m going to go and get some food. What would you like?”

“Not hungry.”

The Kiwi took a seat on the arm of the sofa and ruffled Kili’s hair. “Well, I’ve got a taste for Chinese, so I’m going to Ming Court. Are you sure you wouldn’t eat some lemon chicken if I brought it?”

There was a long pause. Kili looked up at him and finally nodded. “Okay. I guess. I should eat something, yeah?””

“Yeah,” Fili replied. “Fried rice?”

Kili nodded again. “With sauce.”

“You got it.” He kissed the brunet and then headed out the door. Kili curled up and went back to listening to his music.

* * * *

The food was good. It always was from their favorite Chinese takeaway. Fili mused for a moment about how he thought of it as “their” favorite place instead of his. He had slipped so easily into being an “us” again. Too easily as, far as he was concerned. He was barely out of a long relationship and here he was walking…no…leaping right back into one. He had to be insane.

He looked over at Kili, dark hair shaggy and getting long, beard that was doomed to always be scruff, and the most perfect features God had granted to any man. Enormous dark eyes that changed with his mood and the lighting to shade from amber to dark chocolate. Lips that parted in the most beautiful smile and pulled back even further in whole-hearted laughter that shook his entire body. He was a Botticelli painting come to life. His beauty belying the strength of will and body. That his legs didn’t work was of little consequence. It wasn’t his body that Fili was falling in love with.

Kili noticed he was being watched, looked up and smiled. Fili felt his heart skip a beat.

“Is the food okay?”

“Yeah. I’m glad you got it. I was hungrier than I thought.” He was pensive for a minute. “I keep thinking about Mum being so alone.”

Kili pushed at what was left of the fried rice. “I never knew what happened to my father. Every time I’d ask she’d change the subject. I stopped asking when I got old enough to figure out that he probably got her pregnant and dumped her. I hated him for a long time for doing that.”

Heaving a sigh, he looked at the blond. “I feel bad about that now. He didn’t leave her. I can’t imagine what they went through that day.” He shook his head and fell silent.

Reaching over, Fili took his hand and squeezed it. “I’m sure he wouldn’t hold it against you.”

“Maybe not, but I wish I’d known.” His voice was quiet with the ragged edge of tears snagging the edges.

“What he was doing was wrong, but he died believing in something. That kinda makes him a hero…doesn’t it?” Kili looked up, hoping for confirmation.

Fili had no trouble giving it to him. “I would think it does. You don’t attack a military convoy without a lot of faith in something. He thought he could free his country. A lot of men have thought that was worth dying for over the centuries.”

“Yeah. He and my mum must have been quite a team. She’s still beautiful. I wonder what she looked like back then standing alongside my da thinking they could take on the British army?”

“She had to have been amazing. You can see the strength when you look at her. She looks so much like your uncle.”

“I never thought I’d be proud to know anyone who was in the IRA.” Kili looked a little embarrassed.

“Well, you don’t have to be proud of that part, but that they believed they could make a difference and your father died for his belief. Yeah, you can be proud of that.” Fili smiled softly at him. “I think that makes up for being angry at him when you didn’t know the truth.”

“I hope it does.” He shrugged. “It still feels all kinds of weird and not real.” He squeezed Fili’s hand.

“Will you help me with the swamp goo Dwalin brought over? I need to think of something else for a while.”

While Kili’s hands soaked they watched BMX videos on YouTube. Fili’s big iMac proved that it was good for something besides art. The blond was openly astonished at the acrobatics. The skill and timing the stunts took was amazing. Perhaps just as amazing was the self-confidence and lack of fear that let them perform complicated maneuvers.

He stole a quick glance at Kili. The Irishman sat there, leaning forward slightly lost in the race, tensing and then relaxing along with the riders as the bikes flew and then landed safely. It was obvious that he missed this world with all his heart, yet Fili had never heard him say a word about it. He thought about mentioning it, but decided that Kili should be the one to bring it up. Once Fili had hinted that he wanted to see if there were any videos of Kili out there, but that idea was quickly shot down by the look on the brunet’s face when he suggested it. There would be no videos of able-bodied Kili. Not tonight. Maybe not ever...

Bedtime was quiet. Kili was able to retire into the loo and handle things on his own. He’d decided that with the wrist braces on he’d get back into his regular chair tomorrow and send the other chair back to Thorin. Fili knew that he was going to push as much as he could so he could get back to being independent. The Irishman could suck-up pain, but not his muscles refusing to work. Now that they were listening to him again there would be no stopping him.

They went through the increasingly familiar bedtime route of the leg stretches and checking one hairy Irish arse for red spots. When they were done, they tucked in and got comfortable. After the light was turned off and the last kiss given, the bedroom was silent. Fili was nearly asleep when a soft voice whispered,

“Thank you.”

Fili roused a little and opened his eyes. The moon was up full and bright, tendrils of light weaving through the blinds to make Kili’s face a study of light and shadow. Heavy brows were furrowed, tensing his features to make him look angry. Experience had taught Fili that he was just worried.

“You’re welcome, but I don’t know what I did.”

“It’s not everyone who has a boyfriend they have to tuck into bed like a child, or who needs their arse inspected.” His voice remained soft, but there was now a ragged edge to it.

The blond reached out and used one finger to slide a lock of hair away from dark eyes. “I’m not complaining.” The finger trailed down Kili’s cheek. “I don’t mind. I’m just picking up the slack. It’s only temporary and you’d do the same for me.”

“You’ll still need to check my arse.” The tone was petulant.

Fili grinned. “Like I mind that. Should I be upset at having to look at the sexiest arse in Dublin?”

“Only Dublin?” Kili’s tone had lightened with Fili’s laughter.

“The whole of Ireland,” Fili crowed. “Hell, the whole of the UK, Europe and Asia for that matter.”

He leaned over and kissed Kili lightly. “You’re so silly, sometimes.”

Kili nodded. “Sometimes.” He rolled away and looked at the ceiling.

“Do you regret getting dragged into all my family drama?”

It took the blond a moment to process the question. He rolled over to face Kili and slid his arm protectively across the slender man’s chest.

“Never. I’m learning things about myself, too. We all have baggage, some more than others. I’m just glad that Thorin trusted me enough to allow me to stay for lunch today. Your mother has quite a story.”

“That’s one way to put it,” Kili replied. “I don’t know whether to be proud of her or massively embarrassed. It’s one thing for your da to be IRA, but not your mum. I keep thinking about her shooting someone, or blowing someone up. I thought maybe I was okay with it, but laying here in the dark thinking about it feels confusing.”

Fili leaned over and nuzzled into his ear for a second. “If she were my mum I’d be proud as hell of her. She fought for something she believed in, even if it is wrong, she fell in love, she had you, and raised you to be a good man. Whatever she did, it was a long time ago. She’s strong as fuck, but even she has a weak spot and you’re it.”

There was no response, just a hitch in Kili’s breathing.

“She’s willing to fight for you. It’s all she knows how to do. There wasn’t much nurturing in her family, just a lot of yelling and accusations. She doesn’t know how to talk. All she knows how to do is go to war. She’d kill me if she had to so you’d stay safe.”

“I’d rather she didn’t,” came the tight response.

“Yeah, me too. C’mere and protect me.” Fili was teasing, trying to lighten the atmosphere. He failed miserably.

Kili didn’t move. “I’ve been so fuckin’ stupid.” He threw his arm over his face as if to hide from his confession. “I had unprotected sex lots of times. I never thought about it except it felt good. I never thought what I’d do to Mum if I got AIDS.”

When Fili didn’t respond he continued. “I’m clean somehow. They tested me for everything in hospital and after. I was lucky.”

He rolled his upper body toward the Kiwi. “I’m sorry if I’ve said too much. I was a slut when I was racing. It’s the culture to think only about yourself and try to get as much of everything as you can.”

He paused and in a small voice said, “I’m sorry if saying this made you mad…I’m so sorry for the shite I’ve done.”

Fili lifted and slid his arms under and around Kili, pulling him close in a strong embrace. He buried his face in the Irishman’s tangle of dark hair and took a long breath. He held him tightly, breathing him in, holding him close with all his strength.

“I’m not mad, not even close. You’re strong like your mum. It’s what I love about you. You’re very like her. You’re both survivors. I was just thinking how different my life would be if I had never met you and I don’t want to go there. You give me strength.”

Kili snuggled closer. “I don’t feel very strong. Most of the time I’m scared to death.”

The blond pressed kisses into his hair. “And yet you go on. Don’t you know that’s the very definition of a hero, someone who is afraid and forges ahead anyway?”

“Really?” It sounded so small and doubtful.

Fili flung the sheet back and straddled Kili in a smooth motion. He looked down at him, his face silvered by the moonlight streaming in, mustache beads glinting as they slowly swung on either side of his smile.

“Really. Really for truly.”

He lowered himself in a pushup and claimed the soft lips below him in a kiss. “I don’t care if you fucked all of Dublin. It’s the past. We have to leave it there. If I’m not dragging my ex in you can’t drag yours in either.”

“That’s just it, I never had an ex; I only had a fuck.” He looked up, his large dark eyes reflecting the moonlight.

Fili’s breath was warm against his face. “So what is worse, years with the wrong man or no attachments to weep over?

The Irishman reached up and slid his arms around Fili’s back. “You really just don’t care, do you?”

His head-shake made the beads dance. “Not as long as you don’t go shagging them in droves again.”

“I can’t even imagine doing that any more. I think I’m past that stage of life, thank God.” Kili looked up him, eyes liquid in the filtered moonlight. “I used to be such an arsehole.”

Fili couldn’t resist. “What do you mean ‘used to be’?”

The Irishman’s response was to dig his fingers into Fili’s ribs, delighting in the shriek of dismay at being tickled.

When he finally relented, Fili sucked in a deep breath. Unwilling to totally admit that he was responsible for the attack he grumbled a low, “Fuck you!”

“Yes,” Kili replied, his voice husky. “Fuck me.”

The blond froze and looked down at his partner. “Now?”

“Don’t be chickenshit. I won’t break.” He dragged his fingernails down Fili’s chest, carding the hair. “I want you in every way I can have you.” The pitch of his voice lowered and became rougher. “I want you to fuck me into the mattress. If it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t. But I want to try it.”

Fili became almost instantly hard as Kili was speaking. “It feels like you want to try it, too,” Kili continued. He reached down and rubbed his palm along the hot length that rested against his belly. “Let’s go for the gold.”

That made a perfect mental image for Fili. His beautiful athlete who never did anything by halves; of course he would want to throw caution to the wind and want to win even in bed. It turned him on wildly and Fili found himself kissing Kili before he even realized that he’d moved. Kili rose up to meet the kiss, his tongue as hungry as Fili’s. It was a rough sloppy kiss, with teeth and mustache beads getting in the way, but it was one of the hottest either of them could ever remember.

Kili flailed to the side, his hand hitting the nightstand long enough to snatch up lube and condoms from the drawer. He practically threw them onto the bed and then wound his arm back around Fili again as the blond licked his way down and sucked a bruise at the base of the Irishman’s neck. It stung a little, but it only made him hotter. He was glad he was going to have something tangible as a reminder. Arching up, he pressed against Fili’s lips, demanding more. He got it.

They’d talked about this, dismissed it, worried about it, read about it, and now that it was happening all of that preparation seemed so stupid. All they had to do was trust each other, and trust was one thing they had in abundance.

Kili grabbed Fili by the hair and pulled him upwards for another kiss and then made his mark on the Kiwi. Love bite was a good description, better than hickey. Chavs gave hickeys and Kili wasn’t a chav any more.

Fili pulled away from the suction on his neck when it threatened to finish him. His entire groin was throbbing and he forced himself to suck in deep breaths to regain control. Kili undid him and the sparkle in his eyes showed how much he loved doing it. The blond ducked his head and caught Kili’s lower lip between his teeth for a moment.

“If you don’t slow down, this will be over before it’s begun.”

“Want more. Need light. I wanna see you.” Kili’s voice was rough, his breathing uneven.

Fili rolled off the bed and pulled open the blinds, letting the moon flood into the room. Its silver light accented hollows and shadows, harsher yet more beautiful than the golden light from the sun. Kili looked up at him, dark hair a wild tangle spilling over his shoulders, eyes glinting black and silver and burning with the heat of a star.

Fili would have looked at him forever, the artist taking it all in, remembering every angle, every highlight and shadow. The racer, impatient for what was to come, reached over and grabbed his wrist, dragging him back onto the bed. Kili slid his hands over Fili’s back and down his arms, nails digging in just a little to stimulate and tease.

Fili knelt and started kissing the slender chest beneath him. Muscles rolled under the golden skin as lips and tongue worked their way first to one and then the other dusky pink nipple to tease and worry it to happy stiffness. Slender he might be, but he worked out hard and his muscles were cords of steel under that soft coating of chest hair.

Kili’s navel never failed to delight his partner. It was as if his body hair and formed a protective circle around the soft pool at its center. That it was an area sensitive to erotic touch made it all the more fun. Fili’s tongue followed the circle, drawing lines of fire across goose pimpled skin. He smiled at the soft sounds his caresses evoked. The Irishman was not a quiet lover; his vast repertoire of sighs, moans, and whimpers urged Fili to continue to see if he could inspire him to new heights.

He slid his hands and lips further down Kili’s body, making him purr and arch upward, demanding more. Fili wanted to touch all of him. The Irishman had gotten over his fussing about his scars and the blond slid his hands down over long slender thighs, bony knees and down to the twists and furrows on his right leg. He bent and kissed Kili’s right hip, trailing his tongue over the areas he knew to be sensitive. He went lower and nibbled up the inside of the Irishman’s thigh. Kili’s breath hitched as Fili slid over an area that had full sensation. Somehow the lack of feeling made what he could sense that much more intense. He shivered with pleasure and let his breath out in a soft moan of encouragement.

Fili went higher, nuzzling the soft wrinkled pouch of his testicles. He could smell soap mixed with musk. It was soft, clean and erotic as hell.

He needed better access so he carefully shifted Kili’s left leg to one side and then pushed his right upward until his knee bent. Hooking his arm around it to keep it stable, he continued nuzzling. He gently took first one testicle and then the other into his mouth. He rolled them around, teasing them with teeth and tongue until a hand in his hair tugged him upward. He was glad to oblige.

Leaning forward, he licked the underside of the shaft that arose from the soft nest of black curls. From his position he couldn’t engulf it, but the catches and sobs that came drifting down told him that he was doing just fine. When he reached the frenulum Kili called out, “Oh jaysus, Fili, yer drivin’ me mad!” When he was turned on his brogue thickened, something Fili found incredibly erotic.

“That,” he replied between licks, “is the idea.” A tug on his hair pulling him back for more was the reply.

Kili wasn’t much of a talker during sex, he was more inclined toward moans and unintelligible combinations of garbled English and Gaelic, but he knew what he wanted and a shove on Fili’s head told him that it was time to take his ministrations lower. Teasing, he didn’t move and continued flicking the base of the Irishman’s shaft with the tip of his tongue.

“Lower,” Kili commanded pushing again.

“Are you sure?”

There was a moment of silence and then, “ _Póg mo_ _thóin_!”

Fili burst out laughing. Even he knew that one. “Kiss your arse should I?”

“Oh yis, jaysus, stop fuckin’ around.” Kili’s voice was husky with desire and his impatience to get on with it amused his partner.

“But I thought I was supposed to be fuckin’ around,” Fili teased. He moved down a bit and then trying to go lower, only to find his progress was blocked by the mattress. He annoyed Kili by rolling over and stopping his ministrations. “I’m going to park your sexy arse on a pillow so I can reach you, is that okay?”

“Whatever works. You’re makin’ me crazy,” the brunet replied. “I didn’t remember it feeling this good.”

Fili helped him to roll over and positioned the pillow. “That’s because you didn’t have an awesome partner.” He placed his hands under Kili’s hips, lifted him into place and adjusted the pillow.

Much to their chagrin this position didn’t work very well. There simply wasn’t enough room for Fili to maneuver. Novice that he was at this, he was beginning to feel like an idiot. There is nothing like being cockblocked by one’s own ineptitude.

After one more attempt at burrowing under with the pillow getting in the way, he pulled back and hesitated. Kili was aware of what was happening and, while he loved being able to see Fili, he had to admit that a frontal assault was not the way to go.

“Would you be upset if I turned you onto your stomach?” Fili asked hesitantly. The last thing he wanted to do was to bollox this up even more than he had already.

“Naw, I was wondering how you were gonna manage.” Fili could see his wicked grin highlighted in the moonlight.

He turned his top over and let Fili arrange his legs and rump. His left leg decided to be somewhat spastic, but it helped to support him so that he was able to lay at an angle where things were more accessible and yet be comfortable and free to move. Kili regretted that he could no longer watch his partner, but as strong broad fingers slid up his inner thigh he forgot all about it.

Fili had to admit that the Irishman looked hot stretched out this way. He loved the way the long muscles in his back shifted as he ran his hand down them. He heaved a happy sign and slid down to begin his exploration of Kili’s body anew.

 

 

 

Fingers were good, teasing, pressing, pushing, stroking, nails scratching lightly. When Kili pressed back demanding more, Fili decided it was time to take it to the next level. He’d never done this before. Never wanted to, but now he found that it was something he almost needed and his mouth watered in anticipation.

It was easier this time, and in spite of one short spasm from his left leg, Fili was able to slip lower and enter new territory. He was mildly surprised at how erotic it was to lick and kiss such an intimate area. Kili’s scent was stronger and highly arousing. He had worried that he’d be put off by the act, but the realization that Kili had cleaned up before bed let him relax and get into it. He pushed forward eager to please his partner. Kili was furry everywhere and Fili had to stop to spit out a hair. Chuckling to himself, he delved deeper.

Kili shivered at first contact, the feeling sending shocks up to the tip of his cock. His abdomen tensed as he tried to press against the soft insistent caress. Although he didn’t move very much, Fili felt him shift a little and pressed his tongue in harder, swept up in the eroticism of the act.

Both were out of breath when Kili whispered, “Fingers.”

The Kiwi reached out and fumbled for a moment before locating the lube. He’d smiled when he’d seen it in the drawer yesterday. Kili had to have ordered it online. It was called “Backdoor” which piqued his sense of humor and probably Kili’s as well. Best of all it had a relaxant that would help literally smooth the way. He applied a liberal amount to his fingers and then teased the brunet by running slick fingers around and nudging gently into that tight pucker. He was careful not to press yet, not until he was given the go-ahead.

Kili groaned at the feeling of the cool slickness, nudging and sliding already sensitive skin. When it reached the circle of his outer sphincter it felt amazing. He felt Fili press down on his perineum with his thumb and then felt his muscles relax enough to admit the tip of his partner’s finger. There was a pause and then a little more. It didn’t hurt and he felt himself clench and then release a little more.

“It’s okay.” He reached down and made contact with Fili’s shoulder. “Push a little more, ah yis.” Suddenly it was in and he took a deep breath. He could feel it, more on the right, but some on the left too. “More. More fingers.”

Fili ignored him and moved in and out slowly, giving the passage time to adjust to the invasion. When he felt the muscles release further, he eased a second finger in to join the first, the ring of tissue stretching to accommodate it. He moved them around experimentally. When he turned his wrist, made the “come here” motion and Kili nearly levitated off the bed he knew he’d found the spot. Smiling to himself, he let himself remember what he liked and tried to replicate it. Judging from the shudders that traveled down the Irishman’s body he was being successful.

The pitch of Kili’s sounds ranged from high soft whimpers to deep guttural groans. His erection had failed but that wasn’t unusual when the body couldn’t decide what part to concentrate on. It would come back. Fili smiled to himself and slowly slid in a third finger. The reaction was a quick intake of breath and then a slower exhale as Kili’s body accommodated the intrusion. He groaned around the words, “Fuckin’ awesome.”

The Kiwi had been half scared to death when Kili had suggested that he top. He felt silly to be worried about it, but a tour of gay forums showed he wasn’t alone. Once he realized that it was just a normal concern about doing the best he could for his partner, he relaxed. Now with Kili writhing beneath him thoroughly enjoying the motion of his fingers he wondered what he had been so worried about.

Fili stretched up and licked the sensitive underside of Kili’s cock and it shot to attention like a private confronted by a ranking officer. Another lick and the Kiwi was able to capture the head and slowly took it into his mouth. As Kili shifted his concentration, the tight muscles relaxed even more, allowing all three fingers easy access.

It was time.

Fili slid his fingers from their warm sheath, patting Kili gently when he groaned in disappointment. “I need you to turn over,” the blond whispered. “I’ll help.”

He positioned Kili on the pillow, gently straightening out his left leg to make sure it didn’t go into spasm. When he was satisfied and Kili was comfortable he smiled and said,

“Hand me the remote for the bed.” His request was soft and it took a moment for the Irishman to process and act on it.

“What are you going to do?”

“You’ll see.”

Kili could see his smile framed by those adorable dimples and smiled back in response. He trusted is partner utterly and lay back in happy anticipation.

Fili raised the knee area of the bed while leaving the head flat. He then elevated the foot a little. When he was satisfied he slid up Kili’s body and nibbled his lip for a moment. “I’m going to pull you downward a little, so boost yourself up on your elbows.”

Fili moved into position and grasped Kili under his rump. He lifted and pulled gently. The brunet helped as much as he could. He watched Fili place his arse on the pillow so that he rested on an incline. He never would have thought about using the bed this way.

“Let me,” he said when he saw Fili start to unwrap the condom.

It was a bit awkward to maneuver with the bed tilted, but the blond managed to slide up where Kili could reach him. It was incredibly erotic to offer himself and have Kili take him in hand and then in mouth, licking and sucking him to throbbing hardness before pulling back and rolling the condom on. It was tight around his cock and that was erotic too.

He moved back down and got into position. He paused for a moment to appreciate the beauty of the man who lay beneath him. Wild dark hair fanned out over the pillow, eyes jet-black in the dark room lit with a fire from within, perfect lips showing white teeth in a smile of anticipation. He suddenly appreciated topping. Who could ever get used to this view?

He applied more lube to himself and to Kili. “Let me know immediately if anything hurts.”

No response.

He leaned over and put his hands on either side of Kili’s waist. “If you do not promise, this is over right now.”

Kili looked up at him and grinned. “I’m a wuss. I’ll yell if it hurts, but if I kick yer arse into next week, it’s just my fuckin’ leg acting up.”

“Fair enough.” He slid back down and lifted Kili’s right leg, pulling it up so that he could position himself.

The first contact made them both gasp. Kili was tight. Even with the fingers and the lube, it was not going to be easy. But then, nothing worthwhile ever was. He pressed forward, millimeter by millimeter, feeling the heat of the Irishman’s body and the clench of his muscles.

“Harder,” Kili had to say it twice before Fili heard him. “I won’t fuckin’ break. Push.”

Instantly there as a war going on in Fili’s body. His mind told him to go slow. His cock told him to thrust hard and take what was his. They formed a consensus and he eased forward pressing harder, moaning when the ring of muscle was breached and the head of his cock entered Kili’s body.

The Irishman lay silent. He had felt the pressure and could tell that he’d given way. It neither hurt nor gave pleasure. It was an odd feeling that was a bit like pins and needles, but not at all like the fingers. Goddamn crazy fucked up nervous system, playing games again. He waited to see what, if any, sensation would be next. He hadn’t realized that Fili had paused and was watching him like a hawk.

When there was no motion he looked up. Fili’s expression was a combination of lust and worry. Kili reached up and laid his hand on his partner’s forearm. “I’m okay. It feels a little weird. It doesn’t hurt.”

“I can stop,” Fili offered although it was the last thing on earth he wanted to do.

“No. No, don’t stop. Fingers were great. This is different, but I like seeing you in me.” He looked down at his erection. “My dick likes it too.”

The slow Irish crème smile lit his features. He slid his hand down and squeezed his cock, showing off for Fili. “Now shut up and do me!”

Seeing him like that nearly undid the Kiwi. Fili had to gather his wits before he dared to move. Trembling, he pressed forward, sinking slowly into the hot channel, feeling it clench around him at the entrance and then open up to a soft welcoming heat. He had never known anything could feel so good. He looked down at the brunet and watched him stroke himself. Their eyes locked, each seeing the lust mirrored there.

Fili pulled out a little and changed the angle, so that his next thrust was upward, seeking and…finding… Kili arched and cried out as the tip of Fili’s cock slid across that sweet hidden spot. The shaft continued the stimulation and the Irishman forgot how to breathe.

Kili’s reaction nearly finished Fili, forcing him to pause and suck in long shuddering breaths. The hand was back on his forearm, fingers curled, pulling at him, begging for more. Fili gave it to him.

Together they rode the wave of lust, feeding it back and forth between them, one rising to nearly peak and then backing down to watch the other. They lost track of time. It could have gone on for minutes or hours. They were glistening with sweat; their throats raw with the force of their breathing and from the guttural sounds that forced their way past clenched vocal cords. Kili’s contrary left leg kicked out and neither of them noticed.

The Irishman peaked first, spattering thick ropy pearls that caught the moonlight. He erupted with volcanic heat, shouting his pleasure in Gaelic that trickled off into sobs as the aftershocks lifted him again and again. It was the last aftershock that catapulted Fili over to join him and Kili was able to watch his partner’s face as he poured himself deep into Kili’s body.

They collapsed as one, two sets of lungs desperate for air, two hearts pounding in rhythm. Fili sucked in a breath and very slowly withdrew. He disposed of the condom into a tissue and dropped it next to the bed. Then he collapsed, trying not to land on Kili and not really succeeding. Kili didn’t mind a bit.

Long minutes later, breath was finally caught and Kili squirmed a little as the leg across his belly grew too heavy to bear. Fili mustered his strength and rolled over carefully, taking his weight on his elbow and knee. They were both sticky, but neither had the strength to get up and do anything about it.

Kili adjusted himself so that he could see Fili. He grinned, teeth white in the darkness. “Wanna do it again?”

There was a moment of silence and then the peal of Fili’s laugh. “Give me about a week and I’ll get right on it.”

“Yeah,” Kili agreed. “That sounds good. A week, yeah.”

Kili’s hair was plastered to his forehead and Fili reached over and fluffed it, getting it out of his eyes. “That,” he said softly, “was amazing.”

“Yeah.” The Irishman caught his hand and kissed his fingers one by one. “That was definitely a ten.”

Fili chuckled. “You give ratings?”

His eyes sparkled with mischief. “Not usually, but this one deserves it. Of course I’m thinkin’ I need to try it again just to make sure.”

Fili’s reply was somewhere between a laugh and a groan. “A week. Remember, you agreed to a week.”

With that, Fili was able to summon enough strength to make it to the loo and then the kitchen. He returned with a bottle of refrigerated water, which he handed to Kili, and a couple of cool damp cloths. He slung the accompanying towel over his shoulder and watched the brunet drain the water bottle. Kili eagerly swapped the empty bottle for the cloth and wiped down first his face and then his chest and groin.

The blond heaved a sigh and remarked, “I gotta get the shower fixed so I can throw your sweaty Irish arse in if we are going to do this very often.”

Kili looked up at him, but didn’t reply.

He sat down next to Kili, sponged off his back with the second cloth and dried it tenderly. He rested his forehead on the brunet’s shoulder, his mustache braids tickling the sensitive skin. He pressed a soft kiss where his head had been and sat up. Kili turned and traced one slender finger down the center of Fili’s chest. The light from the hall cast shadows on his face making him look sad. Concerned, the Kiwi leaned forward and kissed him gently.

“What’s the matter?”

Kili shrugged and then leaned in against him as if seeking comfort. Instinctively Fili took him into his arms and held him. He kissed the damp skin of Kili’s neck and held on until he was ready to talk.

“I’m sorry.” The whisper was so low it was nearly inaudible.

Fili tensed. “Did I say something wrong?”

The Irishman shook his head slightly. “No. It wasn’t wrong. I think…I don’t know what I think.” He tried to laugh, but it was not a success.

“Are you upset about what I said about the shower?”

A tiny shrug was his only answer.

Fili took a deep breath and said what had been on his mind for a week.

“You’re as good as moved in and I don’t want you to leave.” He paused and pulled away a little, trying to see Kili’s face to judge the reaction to his words. The moonlight illuminated, but did not enlighten. The brunet’s face remained unreadable.

“I never dreamed I’d feel like this about anyone,” he continued. “I wasn’t going to say anything just yet, but yeah, I’d think maybe it’s time to think about you actually moving in rather than pay for a flat you never use.”

Kili’s response was to pull him close in a surprise kiss that seemed to go on and on.

When it broke he nuzzled against Fili, his breath warm and his words soft and hesitant. “I’ve sort of been waiting for you to ask me to come live here, but I didn’t think you would.”

The blond stroked his hair soothingly. “Now why on earth would you ever think that?”

“’Cause I’m just a bike racer who can’t even do that anymore.” His voice hitched. “You’re a famous artist and you can get anyone you want. So why…”

Fili felt as if his heart was in his throat. _Please don’t let me say the wrong thing_ , he prayed.

“Why would I want you?” He struggled not to sound exasperated. “Probably because you’re the bravest, most beautiful man I’ve ever met. And definitely because I can’t imagine ever wanting anyone else.”

He leaned away from Kili so that he could see him, looking beautiful in the thin silver light from the moon. “I’m actually a not-very-well-known painter who got lucky. I’m boring and ordinary and when I met you I thought there would be no way in hell that drop-dead gorgeous man would ever go out with me. Yet here you are. I think it would be pretty sweet if you stayed.”

Kili started to protest, but Fili laid a finger on his lips. “Let me finish. You have the guts to throw yourself off of ramps I wouldn’t even want to walk down. You’re courage and strength and determination and all the things I’m not. The world needs heroes like you to remind it that life goes on.”

The Irishman removed the finger from his lips. “The world needs artists too, to remind it how beautiful everything is. When I saw your painting I suddenly knew why I fell for you. You’ve made me see things I’ve forgotten. I got so pissed off and so focused on this fucking chair that I forgot about beautiful beaches and starry skies and how it feels to get sand in your food and the crack of your arse and laugh when nothing is funny just because you feel good.”

He leaned forward and kissed Fili tenderly. “I warn you that if you let me move in you’ll never get me out again.”

Fili was having a surprisingly hard time replying. “You promise?”

The nod of his head brushed his hair softly across the Kiwi’s face. “I promise.”

They collapsed into one another’s arms and fell back into the bed, landing with Kili’s head pillowed on Fili’s shoulder. The foot of the bed was still up and they were scrunched together, which was exactly where they wanted to be.

At length, Fili lowered the bed into position and retrieved their covers. Kili was snoring softly. Gently he pulled up the covers and tucked Kili in. Slipping quietly from the bed, Fili padded out to use the loo and stood for a long moment just watching the Irishman sleep. He had been so worried that the evening would be a disaster, but he could never have predicted how incredibly well it went and how amazingly happy he was.

Returning to the bedroom, he switched off the light, letting the moon guide him to the bed. As he tucked in, strong arms pulled him close, the scrape of that perpetual non-beard brushing chills up his shoulder and neck. He relaxed in Kili’s embrace, enjoying the sleepy nuzzling, cuddling in so that his nose was buried in the silk of Kili’s hair.

“Missed you.” He wasn’t awake enough to form a real kiss, but his partner didn’t mind.

“I’ve been gone, like, three minutes.”

“Too long,” Kili murmured, voice barely audible. “Want you here always.”

“Always,” Fili promised. “I’ll be here always.” He cuddled against the warm welcoming body pressed hard against him and smiled. “Always.”

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo arrives with a flourish and, of course, streaky bacon to smooth troubled waters. It will take more than a gourmet breakfast to build the bridge that Kili needs to cross and Fili has one of his own. Together they can build them and cross them. Together they can do anything.
> 
> If you would like to see what locomotion therapy is about click this link. [**Lokomat**](http://aim2walk.ca/?page_id=598)
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, it will be the last until the first of the year. Pabu has an unbelievable amount of school work and I’ve had a physical problem that’s kept me from doing much writing. We need to get ahead a few chapters so that it takes the pressure off and so that Pabu isn’t worried about illustrating during finals. We hope that everyone has a lovely Holiday Season celebrating and being festive and definitely eating too much. :) Happy New Year, everyone! 
> 
> We are sorry this chapter is being posted late. Blame a power outage in Zelków, Poland. :(

Fili’s phone went off at an impossibly early time. He made several passes before he managed to grab and answer it. It took just as long for him to process what was being said to him. He finally managed what passed for an agreeable reply and hung up.

“Who was that?” Kili asked drowsily. “Tell ‘em to go away and come back tomorrow.”

Fili laughed. “Time to get up, Sleeping Beauty, your uncle Bilbo is on his way over with breakfast.”

“Bilbo? Breakfast?” That got the Irishman’s attention and he sat up, stretching and yawning.

“Well I know what to use now to get you up in the morning,” Fili quipped.

“Yeah, but if you don’t deliver it won’t work more’n once.”

He brushed the hair out of his eyes and looked at Kili, his eyes warm and soft. “Speaking of delivering…” He heaved a sigh. “I know it sounds bollocks, but last night was amazing.”

Blushing a little, Fili nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, it was. How are you feeling this morning?”

The Irishman stretched a little, sat up, and then laid back down. “Everything works and nothing hurts.” He looked at Fili with a wide grin shining on his face. “I think that’s a keeper.”

Fili ruffled his hair fondly. “So you don’t mind being shagged into the mattress.”

“Not as long as you’re the one doing the shagging.” He winked. “It’s true what they say about the quiet ones.”

Fili slung a leg over the brunet’s waist and sat astride him, fingers carding dark hair that felt like raw silk as it slid through his fingers. “What is it that they say?”

Kili caught his hand and drew it in to kiss the knuckles one by one. “They make the most amazing lovers,” he murmured between kisses.

The Kiwi laughed, head thrown back, beads swinging, pulling Kili with him until the two collapsed together in a heap. “I think you made that up, but I like it,” Fili said happily.

“Now we’d better get up or Uncle Bilbo will be shocked.”

Kili’s laugh was like a small earthquake as he thought about Bilbo being shocked by anything. “That little shit would just take pictures and use them to blackmail me. But, yeah, we gotta get up.”

He looked over at his chair and hauled it into place. “Better hit the loo fast ‘cause I’m gonna be right behind you.”

Bilbo arrived shortly after Fili had taken a shower and helped Kili wash up. They might have hot sex, but they didn’t want to go around smelling of it all day.

Since Fili had to buzz him in, he was waiting with the door open when Bilbo got off the lift. The smaller man was carrying a large woven basket with a red and white gingham cloth artfully draped over it. The Kiwi resisted looking around for the hidden camera. This absolutely had to be being recorded. No one shows up at your door at this hour of the morning, perfectly groomed carrying a basket that looked like it came straight out of RSVP Magazine.

With a flourish, Bilbo handed him the basket and then drew him in for a hug, turning quickly to Kili and repeating the gesture. He looked at both of them with a saucy grin. “Sleep well, did you?”

Kili looked puzzled for a moment until he looked up and saw Fili pulling his t-shirt up to try to hide the mark at the base of his neck. He knew that he had a matching one and his face heated in a blush that made Bilbo laugh all the way to the kitchen.

He motioned for Fili to set the basket down on the kitchen table and removed the cloth cover with a flourish. Always the showman, he loved to make a presentation rather than unpacking the contents of the basket.

There were homemade raspberry preserves, put up neatly in a lovely little glass jar that Kili took and kept cupped reverently in his hands. A foil wrapped package still warm from the oven was next. Kili grabbed it, pulled back a corner, and sniffed appreciatively.

“You made raspberry scones,” he said happily.

“Of course, to go with the preserves.” Bilbo reached over and tucked the corner back in. “Don’t let them chill, you git.”

Chastened, Kili released the scones and sat back to see what other treasures would materialize.

A long string of bangers was accompanied by a package of streaky bacon for Kili and a dozen of the largest eggs either of them had ever seen. They were followed by a can of Bachelor’s baked beans, a nice sized tomato, and a pound-block of creamy Dubliner cheese.

Fili looked at the bounty and felt that if they ate all of that they would take a collective nap until late afternoon. That didn’t stop him from hauling out his skillets and standing ready to produce anything else that Bilbo might need. When one of the top chefs in the country shows up in your kitchen armed and ready to cook, you don’t question – you move.

The production of breakfast was, of course, dramatic and entertaining. Fili and Kili basically got out of the way and watched the show, only occasionally taking part when an ingredient or an extra pair of hands were needed. Bilbo acted no different than he did on telly, being demanding, elitist and funny as hell.

By the time the food was served, Fili’s cheeks hurt from smiling. Bilbo had missed his calling to comedy and appeared to be making up for it now. He riffed on the blandness of Irish cooking (with which Kili heartily concurred), the inability of the people in the city to drive (Fili agreed), and the weather (everyone in Dublin agreed).

But the one thing he never, ever joked about was food.

Breakfast was amazing. The eggs were perfect with rounded yellow yolks in a circle of snowy white, the sausages browned to perfection, the beans somehow not tasting like they came out of a can, the streaky bacon not quite crispy and smelling like heaven itself, the sliced tomato adding just the right touch of color and the raspberry scones that melted in the mouth like berry-flavored clouds topped with tart raspberry preserves.

 

 

No one talked. If they had Bilbo would have hit them. Food was for eating, not for having discussions over. Kili was rotating bites between the foods, but the bacon was getting every third bite. He allowed Fili and Bilbo to have some, but you could see that it pained him to have to watch them take it from the plate. Bilbo ignored him, but Fili felt mildly guilty and vowed to find out where their chef du jour purchased this delicacy.

When they were done eating Bilbo cleared the table and piled the dishes in the sink for the boys to do. Chefs did not clean up. They did, however, make tea. He produced a good English breakfast blend from the depths of the basket and put water on to boil. Fili had once suggested to Kili that water could be heated faster in the microwave and was told to never say that to Bilbo. Watching the concentration with which he turned making tea into a near British tea ceremony, Fili remained silent on the issue.

Finally Bilbo sat down, stirred a spoonful of sugar into his tea, and leaned back. “I suppose you are both wondering why I’m here.”

Kili’s eyebrows shot up and Fili realized that Kili had no idea that a fancy breakfast out of nowhere might just bethe slightest bit unusual.

Bilbo ignored him and continued. “Since my other-half made bollocks out of talking to you two lads, I thought I’d come and smooth the waters.”

Frowning, Kili looked at him and blinked. “You’ve been in Ireland too long, Bilbo. I’ve not a clue what you’re talking about.”

Bilbo raked nervous fingers through his hair, pulling the curls into a tangle. “I know you got the whole story about your mum and dad all in one go, the good with the bad, but mostly the bad.”

He shook his head. “Thorin never did have much in the way of tact. As you saw at the dinner it somewhat runs in the family. They just blurt out what’s on their minds and let the pieces fall where they may. I just don’t want you to think ill of your mum. She was doing what she thought was right at the time.

“I’ve known her for a very long time and I’ve always thought the world of her.” He paused and stared into his cup as if trying to see his fortune. “When she first met me she hated me. It was a hard time for Thorin. He’d finally managed to win her over and she saw me as a threat. Now that she had family she had no intention of losing them. It took us the better part of a year to show her that she wasn’t losing Thorin.”

“Did you feed her?” Kili quipped.

His reply was a grin. “No, I fed you. You were her one weak spot and I exploited the hell out of it.”

Fili looked surprised and Bilbo laughed. “I was shameless, I admit, but it was hard seeing Thorin torn between the two of us, so I just stepped up my game.”

“And…” encouraged Kili, getting into the spirit of the story. “How did you win me over?”

“Like any new mother she wanted the best for her baby. You were nearly three and didn’t like to eat anything. You even hated ice cream. It got to the point where you were skin and bones. It turned out that your mother, with all the best intentions in the world, was making her own baby food for you and it tasted awful.”

“How did you know?”

“Well, Thorin was apparently trying to get you to eat and he tasted it. He spat it out and you started to laugh. Dis didn’t think it was funny, but after a while she saw reason and reluctantly admitted that maybe the recipes she was using were a lot healthier than they were palatable. With a little brotherly coercion, he got a list of the foods she thought you should have and gave them to me. I stayed up half the night, but in the morning he took her over some containers of baby food for you.”

“And I loved them,” Kili was grinning widely. “I ate it all up.”

“And yelled for more.”

Fili was laughing. “No wonder he’s such a spoiled brat about his food.”

Kili’s reply was to flip his tea bag at the blond. Fili caught it deftly and plopped it into his cup.

“Since I was pretty well known at the time it wasn’t hard to convince her to let me be Kili’s personal chef. It also gave her bragging rights to the other moms. I started bringing over dinners for her as well and pretty soon we were all sitting down to meals.”

“Just one big happy family,” Kili said, grinning.

“Well, let’s say we were the start of one. Dis didn’t know how to have family any more than Thorin did when I met him. I have a large family and they are horridly dysfunctional, but in a good way. They get in everyone’s business and can be a nuisance, but they mean well.”

“Except for Aunt Lobelia.” Kili remembered tales about her nicking silverware and anything else she took a fancy to.

“Well, yes…with her I remember that you can’t choose your family. Dwalin thinks it’s funny because Ori has a brother who’s the same way. He says we need to get them together. Thorin disagrees and said there’s enough crime in Dublin as it is.”

Fili chuckled and shook his head. “There’s one in every family. I have a second cousin who’s doing time for burglary. It’s his third go. You’d think he’d get better at it.”

Bilbo laughed, setting his curls dancing. “Some people just aren’t cut out for a life of crime.”

He became more serious. “I took your mum to a couple of family gatherings, but she wasn’t comfortable there.” He stared into his tea cup for a long moment, looking gutted. “Your father really did a job on her. She did always enjoy when we’d go on picnics or anything where you could go and play. When she was with you, she was full of life and laughter.”

“And I took that away from her.” Kili sat there looking like he wanted to cry. “I want to give that back to her, but I can’t change who I am.”

“Thorin said that you agreed to talk to Father Grey. I think that might be the best way to start. Having someone to act as an intermediary would lower the possibility of another outburst.”

“Has Thorin been able to talk with her?” Kili was afraid of what the answer would be.

“A little,” Bilbo replied. “She’s very closed off right now and very hurt. He brought up the idea of talking to Father Grey and she said she’d consider it.”

Fili heaved a sigh and laid a hand on Kili’s shoulder. “At least he’s got her thinking about it. I know from experience that having someone who is a neutral party is very helpful.”

“Yeah,” Kili replied softly. He sat there rocking his teacup back and forth, looking very young. Fili had the urge to go and comfort him, but resisted **,** lest he embarrass him. “I don’t know what to make of all of it. I’d like to hear it from her, but I doubt she’d talk to me right now and I’m not sure I want to talk to her.

“So much happened to her when she was so very young.” Kili’s face hardened, brows pulled down tight, shading his eyes to black. “I’m glad I don’t remember my grandfather. I wish he’d never met me or known about me.”

“Kili, don’t say that. He did care for you and provided for you in his will.” Bilbo said.

Kili’s frown deepened. “I don’t want his money. It’s in trust until I’m twenty-five anyway. He probably wrote in that I can’t get it if I’m a queer.”

“I don’t believe he did any such thing. Thorin would know about it if he had. He was there when the will was read.” Bilbo was trying to stay calm, but Fili could see that Kili’s words upset him. Maybe the old bastard had written it in. He would bet that would be the first thing Bilbo asked when he saw Thorin.

“Maybe not, but I bet he would if it had occurred to him,” Kili continued. “I think all this should have been said long ago. This family is a big one for keeping secrets.” He looked over at Fili. “Even me. It’s so hard to say what you feel when you’re used to avoiding it and locking it away.”

Fili broke in. “Hopefully the meeting with the priest will help. It’s good to have someone there that you trust when you need to work things out.”

“It’s funny,” Bilbo said ruefully. “I’m not religious and I’m not Catholic, but Father Grey is the kind of priest who actually has me enjoying mass. When he talks you can’t help but listen and wonder how anyone can be that wise.”

“I told Thorin I’d talk with him, but I’m kinda afraid of what he’ll say.” Kili’s eyes were dark and liquid; his brows furrowed, showing his angst. He fidgeted in his chair, picking at his left wrist brace.

“I can see where you might be concerned,” Bilbo replied gently. “I can’t tell you what he will say, but I can tell you what he won’t say. He won’t condemn you or Fili. He agrees with the Pope that you shouldn’t judge people. He’s quite open to the idea that being gay is natural and it is people, not God, who have a problem with it. I think you’ll enjoy meeting him.”

He cocked his head. “When is it set up?”

“I don’t know--I just talked to Uncle yesterday.”

“Well, it won’t be long. Thorin doesn’t let grass grow under his feetas they say. What’s on your agenda for the day?”

Fili grinned. “I’m going to take a nap to recover from breakfast, but Kili has therapy. Bofur has been trying to talk him into aqua therapy, but he’s afraid if he puts on a pair of Speedos everyone will want his body.”

“Aqua therapy?” Bilbo was intrigued.

“Swimming, basically. He says it will build my upper body strength and maybe my legs a bit.” Kili didn’t quite meet his eyes when he said it.

Kili popped a wheelie and held himself steady. “I’m strong. I don’t think throwing me in a pool will help, that’s all.”

His partner finished rinsing the dishes and set them to one side. “Don’t be a dick.”

“I’m not trying to be. There are some things I don’t want to talk about, okay?” He rocked back and forth, balancing easily.

The blond ignored him. “Come on over here and dry while I wash. You might as well make yourself useful.”

Kili spared one hand to flip him off.

Fili laughed. “So this is how it’s going to be **,** is it? Our division of labor is that you get to eat and I get to clean up. Maybe I should rethink our living arrangement.”

Bilbo looked at Fili and then back at Kili. “Why do I get the feeling there’s more to this conversation than I know about.”

The Kiwi gave Bilbo a faint smile, the sudden tension in his shoulders signaling his nervousness about what he was going to say. “I asked Kili to move in with me last night.” He glanced quickly at Kili, needing reassurance that it was all right to divulge the information. Kili was smiling, so he continued. “He said, yes. I guess that kind of officially makes us boyfriends.”

Kili was blushing slightly, but he nodded in agreement. “Do you think it’s too soon?”

“Congratulations!” Bilbo was delighted. He was beaming at the boys. “No, it’s not too soon. I was getting worried you’d never tip to the idea. So this was a celebration breakfast. Thorin and I will help out when you are ready to move your belongings.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Kili mumbled. He was feeling shy about it **,** but couldn’t stop smiling.

* * * * *

The drive to therapy was pleasant. They were both still full from breakfast and Kili had reached over and wound his fingers through Fili’s. It was comfortable to think of them as an “us,” something the Irishman had never known he wanted. He looked over at Fili and couldn’t imagine life without him now. Everything about him was both comfortingly familiar and infinitely tempting.

He’d always tired of partners after a few goes. The culture of BMX racing was shallow in a way, because you met people at races and then might not see them again for months, if ever. He’d always told himself he preferred it that way—no strings meant no responsibilities. No responsibilities meant freedom.

He stole a glance at Fili, noting the way his hair curled and how it was getting long in back. He decided he’d ask him not to cut it. With his waves he would look really hot with long hair. He liked the mustache braids too. The Kiwi kept threatening to cut them because he sometimes tried to eat them and once he’d actually managed to hit himself in the eye. But they were hot **,** too. No, they were way past hot. Kili couldn’t look at the way they framed his smile and accented his dimples without wanting to reach over and capture one to pull the Kiwi in for a kiss.

He tried not to think about the fact that he was never going to be as handsome as Fili with his skinny body that was too hairy and his straight dark hair that always seemed to look like a haystack. His mom and Thorin were always trying to get him to cut it, but it was even worse when it was short. At least long he could pull it back into a horsetail when it really annoyed him.

He leaned against the window and looked at his arm. He was strong, but without definition. Maybe he’d take Bofur up on the swimming. His legs looked like shite, but he didn’t need to worry about letting anyone else see them if the only man he wanted was Fili. He stole another glance sideways. Definitely. The only man he wanted was sitting right next to him, smiling.

Fili saw his boyfriend stealing glances at him and squeezed Kili’s hand. He was so proud of the way the Irishman was handling the whole affair with his mother. He hadn’t been as ready to forgive, but then his parents had based their rejection on homophobia and what the neighbors would think. Whatever he might think about the IRA **,** he felt that Dis was a brave woman. He hoped that when it was over she wouldn’t hate him too much.

* * * *

Bofur was his usual cheerful self and both men smiled when he greeted them warmly.

“How’s the leg?” he asked as Kili pulled himself onto the table.

“It’s not as stiff as it was and I haven’t had any spasms since the last time I was here.” Kili looked down at it as if making sure he was telling the truth.

Bofur pulled a hot pack out of the heating unit and let it drip for a moment. “Have you been doing your exercises and stretches?

Both of them nodded and Bofur smiled at them, “Glad to hear it. Most blokes try to blow it off without realizing they only hurt themselves.”

“I don’t think I could get away with it. Fili is a right martinet.” His brows pulled down into a fierce scowl.

“A drill sergeant, is he?” Bofur laughed.

“Of the worst order.” Kili’s eyes were twinkling and he struggled to keep from smiling.

“Damn straight. No exercises—no chocolate,” Fili retorted.

“You are a cruel, cruel man.” Bofur shook his head and tried to look sad for Kili. “Well lay back a bit, lad **,** and I’ll try to soothe your wounded ego.” He laid the hot pack on the Irishman’s left thigh, covering it with a towel.

“You two make a good team.” He looked at them out of the corner of his eye. “This always goes better if you have someone to work out with. Someone to keep you on track…someone to get better for.”

He didn’t elaborate. Instead he straightened up and gestured to the Locomotion machine. “Are ya up for a little more exercise after your stretches? If your spasms are down, this contraption might be doing you a bit of good.”

Kili groaned. He still hated the machine and felt he looked like a right idiot in it, but he had to admit that he hadn’t had to take a pain pill in a couple of days, so something was going right. “Yeah, I’ll dance for ya, you sorry sod. You just get your kicks tormenting me **,** don’t you?”

“Of course I do,” Bofur shot back. “Then I go out and kick puppies and push old ladies outta their wheelchairs. Now stop whining and man up.”

Kili stuck his tongue out, making Bofur laugh. He liked Kili’s sass; it was one of the things that helped him get through such a devastating injury. Not all of his clients were as humorous, or as hard working. He came over to Kili and expertly tested the muscles in his legs. “The right leg feels looser, too. Have you noticed any kind of return in it?”

Kili shook his head. He was always trying to see if he could will some movement, any movement, from his legs, but so far they had resisted every effort. He could bear some weight **,** especially on his right leg, but voluntary movement was still beyond him.

“Well,” Bofur said soothingly. “We can’t expect miracles, but any little bit is a gift. Still, we’ll take the lack of spasms as a good sign.”

Fili looked at them **,** wondering what Kili was thinking. He didn’t know if it was good that Bofur gave his boyfriend hope or not. He needed something to strive for, but what happened when time passed and things didn’t improve? It was for sure that the Irishman wasn’t a quitter, and for that they could all be thankful.

Fili grabbed a chair and sat with Kili while the heating pad worked. When he started to mutter that his arse was medium rare, Bofur came back and put him through a range of stretches that made the Kiwi wince. He wondered if he was doing the exercises right and resolved to put his back into it a little more. They didn’t hurt Kili and if they did some good then it was worth the extra effort.

Bofur left for a few minutes and when he returned **,** he smiled and said, “You’re up next for the Locomotion therapy. I’m short staffed today; would it be okay with you if Fili stays this time?” He looked up at a rather wide-eyed Kiwi and laughed. “You don’t have to do anything but keep him company and let me know if anything goes wrong. Kili knows the routine.”

Kili was frowning, but he didn’t object. Fili followed him to the staging area and watched in rapt fascination as Kili was fitted with the Lokomat robotic legs and harness, then shifted to a small wheelchair that Bofur rolled onto the treadmill. The physio hooked up the harness and a small motor whined as it started to lift Kili. Not wanting to be lifted like a sack of potatoes, the brunet grabbed the sidebars and pulled himself to a standing position—no mean feat since he was lifting his bodyweight plus the robotics.

His face was set in hard lines as he held himself up waiting for the hoist to catch up to him and support him. When he was erect and his feet were solidly on the treadmill, Bofur pushed the robotic arm forward and it fastened to the brace at his lower back. He didn’t look at Fili as he was moved and his position changed slightly.

Bofur asked if he was ready and he nodded. The machine started and Kili’s legs were moved smoothly in a slow walking pattern. His focus was straight ahead at a video screen where there was an animation of a man walking at the same speed the machine was moving.

Bofur leaned around Kili and said, “The idea is that the movements teach the injured nerves the movements of walking **,** so as they heal they will ‘remember’ them. It’s not a cure, but any muscle tone we get helps Kili’s spasticity and also helps prevents blood clots and osteoporosis.”

Fili nodded and laid a protective hand on Kili’s forearm. He knew the Irishman hated to have him see him strapped into the machine. Kili’s vision remained focused on the video and he ignored the touch completely. Fili couldn’t tell if he had to concentrate, or if Kili was deliberately shutting him out. He let go of Kili’s arm and took a seat behind the machine so that he was out of view and hopefully would soon be out of mind.

Kili was painfully aware of his boyfriend sitting to the rear. He hated this bloody machine with every ounce of his being. He knew what it did and why, but seeing the video with a man walking using a portable unit had flipped him out. He’d always been so independent that his mind couldn’t deal with the idea of being part robot. He wasn’t a science fiction fan and found the idea of a cyborg revolting. In his chair he could sometimes forget he was paralyzed because he could control it and even push the chair to some minor stunting, but being strapped into this monstrosity only drove his disability home. It hurt him all the way to his soul.

He concentrated on making his stupid legs work. _Move, damn you!_ was a mantra he chanted to himself over and over. He forced himself into psyching up as if he were in a race. His jaw muscles clenched with the effort. He gripped the handlebars until his knuckles grew white with the strain. His wrists started to ache again, but he ignored them. He’d always been able to ride through the pain to the other side. This was no different than a race. He had to keep up with the man in front of him on the monitor. He had to keep up. Catch up. Pass him. He had to win. He had to…

* * * * *

On the drive home, Kili was silent. He sat leaning against the back of the seat, eyes closed, seemingly lost in himself. He appeared completely exhausted, more so than he usually was after a session on the machine. Fili kept an eye on him, but was reluctant to say anything for fear of upsetting Kili.

The brunet was testier than usual after they got home. He washed his sandwich down with two beers instead of one and then wheeled himself into the bedroom and closed the door.

Fili sat at the table for a long time after Kili left. He didn’t know what to do when his partner got so far down. Trying to cheer him up seemed stupid. He had no idea how to even begin to try to make him feel better.

 _“Sorry your legs don’t work, mate, but did you hear the one about two Kiwis and an Aussie who walked into a bar?”_ Yeah **,** that would work out just fine.

He peeled the label off the bottle and poked the scraps with his forefinger. Times like this **,** he felt useless. He wanted to help, but he had no idea what he could do. He poked again and heaved a sigh. He might as well admit it—what he really wanted to do was fix it. He’d always been the “fixer,” the person who tried to make it all better. He’d spent his entire relationship with Daniel trying to fix it. You can’t fix someone who’s broken—they have to fix themselves. Even knowing that this didn’t work had never stopped him from trying.

Fili finished the beer and then chucked the bottle into recycling along with the other two. It wasn’t that he wanted to be the one to make Kili walk again. He wasn’t foolish enough to think that anyone could do that, but he wanted to make his heart stop hurting so badly. The paralysis he could take. It was the bleak look in Kili’s dark eyes these days that was killing him. Fili was afraid that his mother’s outburst had sent him spiraling toward depression. Literally, everything that he was had been yanked out from under him that night. He could deal with the chair, in his own way, but his mother’s paranoia about his sexuality had rocked him to his core. He depended on her support, it gave him strength, and now Fili could tell that strength was trickling away a bit at a time.

He put their dishes in the sink and went back to the living room. He sat at his computer for a few minutes, heaved a sigh, and reached for his phone.

It rang several times before it was answered. Fili’s heart was in his mouth, but he shoved it back down and tried to sound more cheerful than he felt.

“Hi, Mum, it’s me…Philip.”

There was a long silence on the other end and for a moment he was afraid she’d hung up. They had parted on semi-good terms, but it had been far too long since he’d called home and they had never called him.

“Philip?” There was a question that hung in the air. “Are you all right?”

“Yes,Mum, I’m fine. I just wanted to call and…and hear your voice.” Before he could lose his nerve, he quickly added. “I wanted to tell you how much I love you and miss you; both you and Dad.”

Another long silence and then the voice that replied had a tremor in it that had not been there before. “I love you too, Philip. I miss you every day.” She drew a long breath, sounding as if she was trying to gather her thoughts. “Are you still in London?”

“No,” he said softly. “I live in Dublin now. It’s a beautiful old city and I’m photographing as much of it as I can.”

She laughed and his heart warmed. She sounded the same as he remembered. “I’ll bet you are. It’s a good thing you use digital most of the time or you would be up to your neck in negatives. I remember your stinky old darkroom. That’s one thing I really don’t miss.”

He laughed. “I don’t miss it, either. How’s Dad?”

“The same as always. He spends most of the day at his studio **,** painting. He’s been taking on students lately and talking about teaching a class at Whitecliffe. But why should I tell you? Honey, it’s Philip.”

“That’s okay, Mum, you don’t need to bother him.” He felt an edge of panic at the thought of talking to his father.

“It’s alright, dear, he’s taking the bloody tiki tour to get here, but…ah, here he is now.”

Fili heard the phone being shuffled and then a deeper voice said, “Philip, it’s good to hear from you, son. How’s the art scene in London?”

He told his father he was living in Dublin, a place his dad had always wanted to visit. After a few minutes Fili started to relax. After ten **,** he was sounding like a tour guide. When the call finally ended with promises on both sides not to go so long between chats, he put the phone down and drew a long breath.

He had not anticipated anything more than a brief “hello.” He looked at the display. If it weren’t for the phone log, he would have thought he’d fallen asleep and dreamed the call. It was almost like old times.

He picked up his old guitar and for the first time in months, began to play.

He was well into “Carry On My Wayward Son” when the bedroom door opened and Kili wheeled out and slowly came into the living room to stop next to him. He looked at Fili, his eyes tired and his shoulders slumped. His hands hung limply, his thumbs hooked on the spokes.

Fili raised his voice and in a soft, light baritone sang the chorus to him.

_Carry on my wayward son_

_There'll be peace when you are done_

_Lay your weary head to rest_

_Don't you cry,_

_Don't you cry no more,_

Kili’s eyes filled with tears, but Fili shook his head and repeated, _Don't you cry no more._

He smiled, letting his love show as he launched into the last verse.

_Carry on,_

_You will always remember_

_Carry on,_

_Nothing equals the splendor_

_Now your life's no longer empty_

_Surely heaven waits for you._

He put the guitar aside and pulled Kili into his arms. “Please don’t cry any more. We’ll get through this together. I don’t mind if you have to do your Ironman thing a couple of times a week. If it helps, then it’s worth it. We’ll do the stretches and I’ll have the pleasure of inspecting your gorgeous arse and things will get better.”

Kili nodded a little, pressing hard against Fili’s chest. Finally, he took a deep breath and sat up.

“You should play more often. I didn’t know you could sing.” He reached up and ran his thumb down the side of Fili’s face, stopping to press against his dimple. “I like it.”

“I don’t know that I’d call it singing, but I try.” He smiled and leaned forward to plant a tiny kiss on the tip of Kili’s nose.

“When your wrists are better you’ll have to bring your violin over and we can have a jam session.”

“Yeah,” Kili said, a tiny smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “That’d be sweet.”

“Have you heard from Thorin about the priest yet?”

Kili shook his head and drew in a shaky breath. “No. I’m tired of feeling like shite. Maybe I should call him, yeah?”

“Definitely, yeah. And then why don’t we slip into the bedroom? I don’t know about you, but I could do with a good cuddle.”

Another sigh and then Kili sat up and looked at him for a moment, a slow smile trying hard to be born. “That sounds like a plan. Give me a minute and I’ll be there.”

“I wouldn’t dream of starting without you.”

He walked to the bedroom and paused in the doorway. Kili pulled his phone out of his backpack and sat looking at it for a moment. He was backlit by the big window, his form nearly a silhouette.

“Someday, I will paint you, you beautiful man,” Fili whispered to himself before he stepped into the bedroom. “Someday soon.”

 


	19. The Guardian Angel - Dwalin and Ori's Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know I said we were taking a break, but this story just demanded to be told. I love Dwalin and Ori - this is for them. 
> 
> Warning: This chapter does contain violence an a bit of justly deserved mayhem.
> 
> Ori and Dwalin could not be more different. He rides with the Blue Angels - the Scottish equivalent of the Hell's Angels motorcycle gang. Ori is a grad student at Trinity College in Dublin studying literature with the goal of becoming a librarian. He is as gentle as Dwalin is tough. It's not a match anyone, no matter how blind, could have foreseen. Fortunately love doesn't recognize barriers.
> 
> (The Blue Angels are the Scottish equivalent of the Hell's Angels motorcycle gang.)

 

 

The call came far too early to suit Dwalin. He didn't bother to check the ID, he just growled into the mobile with his usual early morning greeting. "Fuck ya want?"

"Good morning to you too, Dwalin." The voice was low and deep touched with a distinct Irish brogue.

The big biker dragged scarred tattooed knuckles across his eyes. "For fucksake Thorin, what the hell do ya want so early in the morning?"

"It's 10am and the civilized world is awake." A snort was his only reply. For Dwalin, anything before noon was the crack of dawn and Thorin knew it. He also knew that his cousin must have a good reason for calling since he hadn't heard from him in the better part of two years.

"I'm assuming yer not calling to ask about the weather in Glasgow." Dwalin sat up on the side of the bed to squint at his bedside clock. Yes it was just past 10am. Fuck.

"I wish I was." There was a pause as if Thorin was trying to think of what to say. "I need your help. Actually Kili needs your help."

Dwalin was completely awake now. "What's up wi'ta lad? Why does he need my help?"

He dragged his fingers through his short roach of hair. He had never gotten along particularly well with Thorin and too frequently considered him to be a poncy sell-out, but he loved Kili. If ever there was a wild Gael, it was that lad. He drove his mother to distraction sometimes, but he was a sweet boy who always had a smile on his face that could disarm the devil himself. He wasn't ready for what Thorin was about to tell him.

"Kili's gotten himself into some trouble." Thorin's voice was even, but Dwalin could hear the tension in it. "He was hanging with the wrong crowd. They vandalized some empty buildings and it escalated to petty theft. Some of his friends got in with one of the gangs here and turned to robbery. They took Kili with them. When he found out what they were about he tried to quit." His voice broke and Dwalin filled in.

"And they won't let him."

"He came home beaten so badly he could barely walk. He wouldn't let Dis take him to hospital. He should have gone. He was passing blood, but the boy is obstinate."

"He's afraid, Thorin, and it's well that he is. Hospitals ask too many questions. If he answers them he won't just be pissin' blood...he'll be dead. The beatin' was a warning. He won't get a second one from that lot." Dwalin frowned. Kili had gotten himself into something deep and dark. It was a stupid thing to have done, but he was family and no one fucked with family.

"I'll be down and take care of it." The wheels were already rolling on how to handle the problem.

"I don't know how to thank you," Thorin said quietly.

Dwalin chuckled. "I do. You're still keepin' house with the poncy chef, aren't ya? Tell him I want one o'his roast beef dinners with all the trimmin's."

It was Thorin's turn to chuckle. "I think that can be arranged."

The call to Kili proved fruitful. The lad was scared enough to talk and he told Dwalin everything. Thorin was wrong--it wasn't a gang. Usually his cousin being wrong about anything was a source of amusement, but this time it was relief. There were only a couple of gangsta wannabes and their associates. He got up, lit a cigarette, and started to get dressed. He wouldn't need his own gang for this. He grinned wolfishly as he slid into his leathers and headed for the door. Their reputation would be more than enough.

Six hours and four beers later, Dwalin's vintage Indian Chief chugged slowly down the narrow street in one of the less upscale parts of Dublin. He parked on the sidewalk and walked down the street until he found number 19. He threw his cigarette down and poked the crooked 9. It obediently continued its descent to hang upside down to look like a weary number 6. Class. Real class.

Doubling his fist he slammed the side of his hand against the door, making it shiver in its frame. Seconds later it opened with a slam. Standing in the doorway was a large man with stringy red hair that was almost orange. A scruffy beard matched his hair for both color and filth. He was wearing a faded black T-shirt and jeans. Twenty years ago he would have been imposing. Now he was beef gone to seed with an overlay of lard that coated his muscles and bulged out his gut.

He squinted at Dwalin and snarled, "Whaddaya want?"

Dwalin squinted back. "You Michael Flannery?"

"Yeah. Who wants ta know?" He shifted his bulk, trying to look intimidating. It didn't work.

"I gotta message for ya," Dwalin said his lips quirking up into a little smile.

Flannery stepped forward, right into the Scotsman's fist. It rammed deep into his soft middle, knocking him across the room to sprawl on the floor. Dwalin followed him in. Another man was starting to get up from the table where he'd been sitting drinking a beer. One look from Dwalin had him sitting right back down again.

Dwalin grabbed Flannery by the front of his shirt with his left hand and hauled him off the floor. His right fist connected hard with the Irishman's jaw and there was a low crunching sound as the bone snapped. His scream was high-pitched and sent the man at the table scrambling backwards, looking to put the furniture between himself and the raging Scotsman.

Dwalin's fist reared back for another go and Flannery managed to whimper, "No more. For the love'a God, no more. Ya broke muh fuckin' jaw." The Scotsman dropped him and he hit the floor hard and laid there for a minute, his hand cupping his face.

He finally coughed and spat a wad of blood onto the floor. Looking up at Dwalin he tried to recognize his assailant. "Who the fuck are ya?" he mumbled. "I ain't never done nothin' ta ya. Why'ja break my fuckin' jaw?"

Dwalin leaned down into the Irishman's face. "I'm Dwalin Fundinson and you best remember that name, maggot. You fucked with ma cousin. You touch him again and you're a dead man. His name is Kili Oakenshield. You best remember that name as well. You go near him and you die. You go near his friends and you die. You go near his family and you die. If I don't like the color of the sky--you die. Are we clear on this?"

Flannery spat again. "You broke my jaw over some scrawny, stupid kid? The fuck’s the matter wi'ya? He's not worth piss and I didn't hit him, Willy over there did." He waved in the general direction of the man cowering behind the table.

Dwalin leaned down and slapped Flannery hard with the flat of his hand, ignoring the high-pitched scream. “That’s for sayin’ my cousin’s ‘not worth piss.’ Anything else you’d like t’add?”

The man cringed away, holding his face and shaking his head.

“Didn’t think so.”

He stood up and advanced on Willy, who was desperately trying to put the table between them. The Scotsman simply leaned over, grabbed a double-handful of shirtfront and dragged the man across. He pissed himself on the way over, but Dwalin didn't care. He wasn't planning on hanging around until he had time to start stinking.

"Kili's just a kid and yuh damned near killed him," Dwalin spat, hauling Willie nose to nose with him.

Dredging up a smidgen of bravado, Willie made an attempt to pull himself upright and said, "He's a eejit, Mike offered him a fair share, but he was threatenin' to run to the shades."

"So you thought you'd scare him to keep him from going to the cops?" Dwalin's grip was tightening and Willie started to have trouble breathing.

"Mike told me to," he whined between gasps. "Why are ya here, kid's a piece a'shit. We've got a good thing goin' we can cut ya in on the action."

He slapped Willy hard. “Guess yuh didn’t notice I don’t like you calling my family names.”

Willy swore and tried to bite Dwalin, who shook him until his teeth rattled. "You piece of scum. Do ya see what's on muh vest?” He pulled Willie's face closer and the man's eyes nearly crossed as he struggled to focus on the helmeted skull flanked by two golden wings. "I ride with the Blue Angels. What makes you think I need a piece of yer action, ya pissin' weasel?

"Kili is family. You. Don't. Fuck. With. My. Family." Each word was punctuated with a blow. The Irishman had started to scream, but his voice dribbled off into silence as Dwalin tightened the hold on his collar. The Scotsman released him and he dropped to lie panting on the floor.

"You left him lyin’ in an alley bleeding. He's only sixteen fucking years old." He lifted Willie and punched him hard in the left kidney. "That's for makin' him piss blood for a week."

The Irishman passed out and Dwalin turned back to Flaherty, who was sitting up. He started to move away, but not fast enough. Dwalin’s boot caught him low in the side. "That's a little gift for yer kidney too. Just so ya don't forget me."

The Scottsman started for the door, stopped and then turned around. Flannery whimpered and tried to move but he only made it a few inches. Ignoring him, Dwalin kicked his mobile phone toward him. "Just in case you want to call an ambulance, loser."

He strode out of the flat, kicked his Chief into gear and roared off, thinking about dinner.

When he got in a better part of the city he pulled into a parking space in front of a small pub. He went in, nodded to the men at the bar and ordered a Guinness.

"I don't want trouble, mate," the bartender told him with a stern look.

Dwalin arched an eye brow in a "who me?" way and said, "Neither do I. I just want a quiet drink. Did I come to the wrong place for that?" He spoke carefully, losing his Glaswegian accent as he tried to look harmless. The colors he was wearing said he was anything but and the barkeep had a right to be concerned. But all he wanted was his Guinness and a place to make a couple of phone calls.

The glass of stout, topped by a good head carrying the signature shamrock drawn into the foam by the skillful bartender, was placed in front of him. He paid with enough for a good tip and carried his drink to a rear booth. He took a long swallow and then relaxed. It had gone better than expected. He didn't like beating people up. Never had. There was no bully in him; he'd had enough of being on the receiving end as a kid. But sometimes the end justifies the means, as they say. He flexed his skinned knuckles and pulled out his mobile.

Thorin answered quickly, keeping him on hold for only a minute or so.

"It's done. I don't think they'll be messin' wi'the lad again." His voice was low, the conversation private.

A long sigh escaped through the speaker before Thorin spoke. "What did you do?"

"Nothin' you need to trouble yerself over. Don't worry, you won't be readin' about them maggots in the paper. I kept it simple and direct. He's lower'n scum, but I doubt he's stupid enough to cross me. I went in wearing my colors. He saw the club emblem. He doesn't want to fuck with the Angels."

Another sigh, this one exasperated. "Dwalin, when are you going to grow up and get a life?"

Dwalin grinned. Thorin could hear it in his voice. "I've got a life, mate. Just because you don't approve of it doesn't mean I don't have one."

"You're going to end up dead or in prison."

"Haven't yet." He took a deep breath and said, "Look, I did it for Kili and Dis, so you don't owe me anything."

"I'm not keeping a scorecard, Dwalin." Thorin's voice had an edge to it.

Tired of the conversation, Dwalin changed the subject. "So, what time do we eat? If I'm still invited, that is." He was never sure of his welcome around Thorin.

"Eighteen hundred and don't be late."

"Yeah, I'll be there at six. I wouldn't want ta piss off the chef."

Thorin laughed, easing the tension between them. "Probably not the best idea. We'll be looking for you...and thanks again."

Dwalin thumbed the mobile off and then opened his contacts and dialed. Kili answered almost immediately. He knew that Kili had set his ringtone to _Scotland the Brave_ , so he just started talking.

"It's done. They won't bother you or yours again."

"What did you do? You didn't kill them, did you?" Kili's voice was hushed and strained with worry.

"Nah, they're not worth it. I gave 'em what they gave you, lad. No more. No less. I thought they should be the ones to piss blood for a few days." He kept his voice low and calm.

Kili breathed a sigh of relief. "When you called I was afraid you'd bring your mates."

"And bring on a turf war?" Dwalin snorted. "You don't call in the army when one man can do ta'job. These boggins are small time and it will be a while before they crawl outta their hole again. You even see one on the street, you call me. Understand?"

"Yes." Kili's voice was small and sounded far away.

"And Kili..."

"What?"

"Get a hair cut."

“How do you know I need one.”

“’Cause you always need one.”

They were still laughing when they disconnected.

Dwalin looked around and found the pub was starting to fill up with the afternoon crowd. He cocked an eyebrow as he realized that he'd managed to pick a bar near a university. Just his luck. He got up and headed for the loos before leaving, pushing past the students who seemed fascinated by his vest with its Blue Angels logo.

The loo was a surprise, clean and bright with windows that opened into what looked like a small park. He finished and was washing his hands when he heard it. It sounded like the squeak of a mouse, but from long experience Dwalin knew that it was the sound a man makes when he's trying to scream with no air in his lungs. He started out the door when he heard it again, coming from park area in back.

He spotted the bartender and yelled. "Call 999, someone out back's gettin' ta'worst of it!"

A half dozen quick strides took him to the rear door and he burst through it, trying to find the source of the sound. He heard voices to his left behind a shed. His long legs covered the ground quickly and he rounded the corner to find three young men kicking a man curled on the ground.

He grabbed the first one and threw him headfirst into the shed, not bothering to watch as he slumped senseless to the ground. The second turned to run only to find Dwalin's fist blocking his path. He dropped to the ground next to his mate. The third had found his wings and was sprinting across the park. The Scotsman thought about giving chase, but decided he'd better stay with their victim.

The pub had emptied and they all tried to press around the little man and his two unconscious assailants. They were taking photos and videos with their phones. Some were laughing as if this were the cinema and not real.

Turning on them he raised his fists. "Gerrouta here, ya bloody chavs! This is no fuckin' show--a man almost died. Get back inside before I put ya on ta'ground with these two!"

Almost in unison they turned and fled, leaving him along with the little man.

He knelt down and pressed his fingers to the man's neck. Blessedly there was a pulse. He was unconscious, but alive. Afraid to touch him, Dwalin looked him over. He was small and slight with a face that wouldn't have been handsome even before they'd had a go at it. His shirt was thin and ripped. If he'd had a jacket, it was long gone. The weather wasn't that warm and he thought he saw the little man shiver. Pulling off his vest, he laid it over the man's chest and back.

He felt so utterly helpless. He had no problem handling Kili's attackers, but he didn't know anything about taking care of someone who had been hurt so badly. He felt like it was something he should know and it grated on him that he didn't.

He sat and crossed his legs, studying the peculiar looking little man. His features were sort of cockeyed, but in a cute way. He was very slight and couldn't have weighted over ten stone. Lank brown hair was disarrayed. Dwalin found himself reaching out and straightening it. He wondered what color the man's eyes would be. He thought they should be brown…a soft, kind brown.

Dropping his head, he chuckled at himself. Here he was with an unconscious man, who was in all likelihood straight, and even if he weren’t wouldn't be the type to be interested in an outlaw biker. He looked like a professor at a uni. He'd probably be mortified to have been rescued by the likes of Dwalin.

Before he had time to dwell on it any further the gardai arrived. Taking one look at Dwalin, they approached him with guns drawn. He sat still with his hands raised. By the time the barkeeper had come out to tell them that Dwalin was actually the one who told him to call emergency, the big Scotsman was laying facedown on the grass with his hands cuffed behind his back. He hadn't argued. It was pointless. Police everywhere saw what they expected to see and he didn't want to give them any cause to be afraid of him.

Grudgingly, they uncuffed him without apology and allowed him stand. The senior officer pointed to the two miscreants who were just now coming around. "You do that?"

Dwalin nodded. He kept his face carefully neutral. "They were beating up that bloke. One got away."

"You didn't chase him?" The officer was still suspicious.

"No. I thought I should stay with him." He pointed to the little man.

The officer grunted in response. "Probably just as well. These two pieces of shite will be able to tell us who he is. That is if their daddy's lawyer doesn't get them off without charges."

Dwalin nodded. He knew how it worked for the privileged. They were obviously well off from the look of their clothes and proximity to the university. Just some rich little psychopaths stomping someone smaller and weaker for fun. He watched the officers cuff them and help them to their feet. They'd get a brief stop at a hospital before being transported to the station. However, the little man would have a bit longer stay.

The Scotsman wanted to go to the hospital with him, but he quietly accompanied the garda to the station. He'd protested that he didn't want to leave his motorcycle at the pub just in case of retaliation, but the bartender, who turned out to be the owner, said he'd watch out for it. It was plain to see his delight at the man he expected to cause trouble turning out to be a hero.

He called out to Dwalin as he got in the car, "You drink here free anytime, mate!"

Grinning, Dwalin waved to him as they sped away.

 

* * * * *

The police interviews took longer than he'd thought and he had to call Thorin and tell him that he was going to be late. His cousin's irritation turned to understanding once the situation was explained. He told Dwalin that Kili was waiting for him and that they would eat when he got there.

All in all, things went better at the station than he'd expected. He wasn't the bad guy for once and was treated with a modicum of respect. He managed to find out that the little man's name was improbably Orion Ri and that he was seriously injured, but would pull through. Relieved, the rest of the time at the station sped by. He was even given a ride back to his bike by a squad car, something that was probably never going to happen again.

He kicked the Chief into a roaring start, waved goodbye to the bartender and sped off down the street. He was supposed to be heading for Thorin’s but found himself heading for St. James Hospital instead. He found parking and walked in, wondering why he was here and why he was so bloody nervous.

He went up to the information desk and asked where Orion was, wincing when he found that he was currently in the High Dependency ward. The receptionist assured him that since he was there instead of ICU and could have visitors, it meant that they just wanted to watch him. Dwalin thanked her and started to walk to the elevator. The gift shop caught his eye.

So many different kinds of flowers. There were plants and interesting little knickknacks that wouldn’t be an appropriate gift from a man you didn’t know. But then, were flowers appropriate? Could he even have them? What would he like? Did he even like flowers?

“Excuse me.” The soft voice came from the area of his right elbow. He looked down and saw a small elderly woman smiling up at him.

“You don’t know what to buy.” It wasn’t a question.

He shook his head, relieved that someone was coming to his rescue for once. “I haven’t a bloody clue.”

Her smile grew even wider. “Who are they for, if I may ask?”

Was he blushing? He felt like he was blushing. “For a friend. Uh, a bloke.”

“Ach, that’s nice that you want to bring him some flowers. People say men don’t like flowers, but my husband loves them. I always take him something with lilies in it so they smell.” She shook her head. “Flowers are grander now than they were when I was young, but they don’t have a scent anymore. I think I’d rather be havin’ the scent, wouldn’t you?”

Dwalin nodded. In truth, he’d have agreed to anything she said, but he did prefer flowers with smell, when he thought of flowers at all.

She pulled out a bouquet that had a lily mixed with red and white carnations, with a bit of baby’s breath tucked in. “Here, this one is cheerful and the colors are strong and well…manly.” She giggled and Dwalin laughed with her.

He thanked her again, paid for his bouquet and a clear glass vase to hold them. The walk to the elevator and then up to the 7th floor seemed to take forever. He walked down the silent hall past nurses who all seemed to be on a mission. One of them asked who he was here to see, nodded and then pointed to the end of the hall.

“He’s sedated, but when he wakes I know he’ll appreciate the flowers.”

“How is he?” Dwalin asked hesitantly.

She frowned. “He’s in rough shape, they did a right job on him, but nothin’s broken. I’ll wager he’ll feel like everything is when he wakes up, though. We’re just keepin’ him here for the night, just in case. Tomorrow he’ll be transferred to a regular room.”

She hurried off and Dwalin continued to Orion’s room. He peeked around the corner, feeling like an idiot. There were two beds, his was on the right. The other bloke looked to be in much worse shape with several tubes and machines hooked to him. Orion had only a blood pressure clip on his finger.

He was tiny in the stark white hospital bed, the bruises on his face the only color. He looked terrible and Dwalin was shot through with regret that he hadn’t heard him earlier to stop the carnage before it had progressed so far.

He advanced slowly and set the flowers on the nightstand. “Ach, ya wee bairn.” His whisper was so soft Orion might not have heard it had he been awake. A lock of hair was hanging across his forehead and the Scotsman reached out to move it, but drew back for fear of harming him.

“You can touch him.”

It was the nurse he’d spoken to in the hall. She smiled with understanding. “He’s not so broken that a loving touch will do him harm. On some level he might even know you’re here and find comfort in it.”

Dwalin’s eyes widened. Was he that obvious? No, he told himself. It was just the concern anyone would have for something small and hurt. That’s all she was picking up on and that was all he felt. Wasn’t it?

Huge tender fingers picked up the errant lock of hair and put it back in place. Such a funny looking little guy, kind of cockeyed as though he’d made a face and it had stuck that way. No, he wasn’t at all handsome. But he was cute…in a stray puppy kind of way. Yeah, that was it. He was a stray puppy and Dwalin felt responsible for him because he’d saved him. There was nothing wrong with that. It didn’t mean anything when he sat down next to Orion and held his hand for a few moments either. Nothing at all.

 

* * * *

He arrived at half seven and was nearly knocked off his bike by an enthusiastic Kili who launched himself at Dwalin with all the energy he possessed. At sixteen he was tall and lanky to the point of being skinny, but even still healing he was all muscle and energy.

Dwalin swung off the bike and hugged him back, marveling at how much he'd grown in the last two years. "It's good ta'see ya, laddie."

He peeled Kili's arms from around his middle. "Ach laddie, if I'da seen you before I went I'da given 'em another few shots." He looked at the rainbow of bruises across the boy's cheek and his brows furrowed. "No more fuckin' around with chavs. Leave the maggots in the gutter where they belong."

"Like you should talk," Kili shot back, only partly kidding.

"I didn't run with 'em when I was supposed to be doin' muh studies, ya wee boggin." He ruffled Kili's hair affectionately. "Just because I'm the black sheep o' ta'family doesn't go givin' ya permission ta do it too."

Kili nodded, his large eyes going even wider. "I've learned my lesson."

"You've grown so much. Y'er almost a man now. It's time to start actin' like one and make y'er mum proud of ya."

Kili looked up at him. "I really fucked up, but I swear I learned my lesson." He hugged Dwalin again. "Thanks for being there for me."

"I'll always be there for ya, Kee. Always. Now let's eat before the roast is totally dry and Bilbo kicks me into next week."

Thorin met him at the door and looked at him critically.

Dwalin felt like checking his zipper, but he knew Thorin was just looking to make sure nothing associated with the Blue Angels came into the house. He didn't need to worry. Dwalin had stored his vest in the saddlebags on the bike before he'd gone with the gardai.

He grinned at his cousin. "I'm clean, well...as clean as a bloke who's been in two fights can be."

Thorin relented and held out his hand. "I owe you. Nothing I can ever do can repay you for what you did today."

Dwalin got an ‘aw shucks’ look on his face. "No problem. Sorry about bein' late for dinner."

"It couldn't be helped. Now get in here and stop apologizing, my roast is already on its last legs. If we don't eat soon it won't be fit for man nor beast." Bilbo popped out from behind Thorin, wearing an expression that was an astounding combination of humor, concern, and irritation.

"Go wash up and put something on those skinned knuckles of yours. The medicine cabinet has some ointment that will take the sting out. You know where the loo is."

He vanished back into the kitchen and Thorin gave a little smile and a shrug as if to say, "Humor him."

Dwalin burst out laughing. "If there was ever one thing ya done right, mate, it was glomming on'ta that one and not lettin' go."

Thorin laughed and nodded as he stepped out of the way. Kili was right behind and stopped to give Thorin a hug. Thorin always had a mix of delight and dismay at his openly demonstrative nephew and his expression as he resisted the hug for a moment and then gave in to it, made Dwalin laugh harder.

In spite of Bilbo's fussing, the roast was perfect and the side dishes amazing. Every meal with him was a feast and the Scotsman could never understand how Thorin managed to stay in shape. Dwalin had seconds. Kili had thirds. It was good to see that nothing dampened the typical teenage appetite. The lad looked good even with all the healing bruises coloring his face. He was definitely a heartbreaker with those chocolate eyes and the easy smile.

Kili helped Bilbo clear the table and then came back with a magnificent chocolate cake. He set it in front of Dwalin and grinned. "It's from Mum to say thanks." He jerked his thumb toward the kitchen. "She also sent some shortbread cookies for you."

Dwalin blushed a little. He knew that Dis didn't like him and that she must be incredibly grateful for his intervention to have made all this to send to him. He wished he could talk with her, but that had ended years ago when he joined the Blue Angels. He was just grateful that she still allowed contact with Kili as long as they were with Thorin. She was a tight-arse, but she was still his cousin and he loved her with all his heart.

"So what're ya up to?" he asked Kili between bites of the cake that tasted even better than it looked.

"I've been riding my bike a lot," was the quick reply. "Mum got me a BMX bike and I can do stunts with it. It's really cool. I could bring it by tomorrow and show you." Kili's eyes were shining with enthusiasm for his new hobby.  

"I'm headin' back home tonight, laddie. Maybe next time." He saw the light in Kili's eyes die. Shit!

He was saved by Bilbo who leaned over and said, "You can have the guest room. I'm sure Thorin has some pajamas you can borrow."

Thorin’s eyebrow rose, but then he looked at Bilbo’s expression and he nodded in agreement. If there was anyone in this world Thorin doted on as more than Bilbo it was his nephew. If putting Dwalin up for the night would make Kili happy after what he'd been through then that was what would be done.

"I dinna want ta'put ya out," he replied looking at Thorin for permission to stay.

His cousin smiled gently at him. "It's no trouble at all. We're glad to have you. Kili will show you what he's been learning." He turned his smile toward his nephew. "He's collecting bruises like they're trading cards, but he's pretty good on that little bike. It'll be good for him to have a bigger audience."

Dwalin laughed, feeling relief wash over him. "I'll look forward to watchin' ya."  

They spent the next hour sipping coffee and listening to Kili regale them with tales of his new bike, school, his new bike, Dis, his new bike, and even a few bits and bobs about himself. Toward the end of the conversation Kili surprised him by coming out. It was obvious that both Thorin and Bilbo knew and had been supporting him.

His nephew looked at him with worried eyes, but Dwalin smiled at him. "I guess it does run in families. Dinna worry, laddie I got yer back on this as well. It's not the easiest thing sometimes, but never deny who you are. I'd tell you to remember ta'stay safe, but I'm guessin' yer uncles here have that covered."

Kili blushed. Yeah, he was a heartbreaker all right. He nodded and said, "I'm not seeing anyone, but if I do I'll remember." He glanced at Thorin and Dwalin smiled a little knowing that "the talk" must have been a beaut.

Kili relaxed now that he was safe and his secret was out. He was a hyper, funny lad who delighted in talking non-stop and laughing whenever possible. He regaled them with tales of his new bike, his mates at school, his new bike, his mum and, of course, his new bike. Thorin looked a little annoyed now and again, but Dwalin was hugely enjoying himself. It was good to just sit with people you loved and laugh.

When it was finally time for Kili to go home, he had to be pried off of Dwalin’s middle. “You promise you’ll be here tomorrow?”

No one could say no to those huge pleading eyes. “Of course I’ll be here. I want to see your new bike and you can show me what you can do with it.”

Kili fist-bumped him and raced out the door toward the car with Thorin yelling after him, “Use the door—not the window!

After they left Bilbo picked up the cups. He paused and smiled, his hazel eyes sparkling. “It’s good to have you here, Dwalin. Don’t be such a stranger. You know Thorin’s all bark. He misses you. He doesn’t have all that many friends and you two go so far back.”

“Aye, that we do,” Dwalin replied. “Yer a good man, Bilbo. You’ve helped Thorin be a good man too. His da was a piece o’work, even worse’n mine and heaven knows mine was bad. Somehow ta’men in our family got the idea that parentin’ takes fists and a sharp tongue.”

Bilbo looked sad for a moment. “Thank God this generation is breaking that charming little tradition.”

“Am I?” Dwalin was startled to be included.

“Oh, you run with them, but you’re a different kind of angel. Some day you’ll figure that out.” The twinkle was back in his eyes. “Why don’t you call hospital and ask about that young man, I know it’s bothering you. I’d like to know how he’s doing, too.”

Dwalin watched Bilbo disappear into the kitchen. He pulled out his mobile and looked up the number for St. James. He dialed and pressed the number for patient information. Ori (Dwalin had taken to thinking of him that way due to his inability to tolerate one more thought about a bloke named Orion) was still sedated, but he was doing well and would be moved to a regular ward tomorrow.

It was getting late, so he popped into the kitchen for a minute to update Bilbo and then went up to bed. He took a long hot shower and then lay in bed thinking about the day. He’d gone from beating the shit out of four men to wishing he could heal the fifth. It was an odd feeling and he didn’t know if he liked it or not.

Thorin was already gone by the time Dwalin came downstairs in the morning. Bilbo cheerfully fixed some eggs and sausage for him, along with a stack of toast and homemade orange marmalade. Not used to being fussed over, the Scotsman nodded his thanks and slid into a chair to marvel at the bounty before him.

“Coffee or tea?” Bilbo asked as he set a mug before him--no dainty cups for the brawny Scot.

“Coffee, if it’s no trouble.”

“None at all.” He poured the coffee and then slid into the chair opposite Dwalin.

Bilbo took a sip of his tea and smiled. “You’re welcome to stay here for a bit. I know you’re worried about the man you saved and Kili will be delighted. Thorin will too, although he’d never admit it.”

Dwalin’s forkful of eggs paused halfway to his mouth. “Are you sure?” Being invited to stay was the last thing he expected. He felt like looking outside to see if a flock of pigs were flying over.

Bilbo laughed delightedly. “I know you joined the Blue Angels to spite your father; so do Thorin and Dis. Now that he’s passed, why not stop acting a rebellious teen and come on down to Dublin and be close to your family?”

The big Scotsman scowled. “I joined fer m’self.”

“Sure you did. Just keep telling yourself that. You’re an Oakenshield. For all the darkness that’s covered the name for the last generation, you’ve always been proud warriors going back to the days of the clans. You are descended from a High Chief—never forget that. You consort with ruffians, but you have royal blood in your veins and a higher calling. You’ll find it some day.”

He picked up his cup of tea and walked out of the kitchen, leaving Dwalin staring at his cooling breakfast, completely confused.

* * * *

Embarrassingly, when Dwalin arrived the hospital he got cold feet. He asked if Ori had been moved to a regular room and found that he had. He paced around and ended up back in the gift shop. He’d already taken flowers. He looked at the chocolates, but they were probably not appropriate for a man he hadn’t even technically met. He looked around feeling ever more frantic until his eyes lit on a teddy bear. Paddington had been one of his favorite stories as a lad. Paddington with his silly red felt hat, yellow boots and blue duffle coat was like an island in the great ocean of gifts.

Tucking Paddington under his arm, Dwalin peeked around the corner and saw Ori was still sleeping. Quietly he entered the room and set the little bear next to the flowers. He was nearly out the door when a soft voice with a British accent stopped him.

“Aren’t you even going to introduce yourself?”

Dwalin turned and found the small man lying there looking up at him…and his eyes were the softest brown.

“The nurses said I had a visitor. My family isn’t close enough to have come and I couldn’t imagine who it was. They think you’re my boyfriend. I hope that doesn’t offend you.” He tried to smile, but it was doomed to failure, still his dark eyes sparkled with amusement.

“I din’na mind. I mean… Aye, it’s okay. Uh…yeah.” Realizing that he should shut up he took his own advice and just stood there looking at Ori.

He thought he looked like an idiot. Ori did not agree.

“So who are you? It’s not every day that tall handsome men come and visit me when I’m unconscious.” Ori was having some trouble talking, but Dwalin hung on every word.

‘I…uh…just wanted to make sure yer okay.” He fidgeted and didn’t know what to do with his hands.

“That’s kind of you, but why do you care…about me, that is? How do you even know me? And why would you bring me gifts?” He made an attempt at reaching for Paddington but between the blood pressure clip and his sore muscles he only succeeded in waving his arm in the bear’s general direction.

Dwalin came over and handed Paddington to him. Ori took the little bear with an expression of absolute delight.

“He’s my favorite. How did you know? Have I actually died and you’re an angel?” The look in his eyes said he was only half joking.

Dwalin chuckled and shook his head. ‘I’m a Blue Angel, but I dinna think that counts. I’m the bloke tha’told the chavs to leave ye be. Ah jist wanted ta check on’ya. I dinna want ta’keep ya.” His Glasgow accent had gotten heavier with his nervousness and he realized he was bordering on being unintelligible. He shut up again.

Ori’s laugh was a soft bubble held in check by his bruises. “Please pull up a chair and talk to me some more. I can’t understand a bloody thing you’re saying, but I love to hear you say it.”

Blushing, Dwalin pulled a chair over and sat down. “I’ll slow down. I really can talk proper English,” he said slowly. “I’m from Glasgow and no one can butcher the King’s English quite the way we can.”

“Oh but it’s not half so interesting if I can understand you,” Ori countered. He was smiling and hugging Paddington.

Dwalin threw back his head and laughed. Ori joined him, or as much as he was able. The two of them sat there chuckling for a few minutes and then the small man’s brows knitted and he became serious.

“I thought they were going to kill me.” He pulled Paddington close, squeezing the little bear tighter.

Dwalin’s eyes misted a little, but he ignored it. “So did I. Why’d they come for ya like that?”

Ori shook his head, a small sob catching in his throat. “I don’t know. I’m small. I’m gay. They didn’t like my clothes. I just don’t know. One minute I was walking across the park and the next I was on the ground.”

A tear made its way down his cheek and he raised his hand to brush it away, but the pain of moving was too bad and he settled for turning his head away from Dwalin. The Scot took a deep breath and stood up. Pulling out some tissue he leaned over and wiped away the tears.

“It’s okay to cry. I will’na think less of ya. What happened was bloody awful. Ya must hurt all over.” He took Ori’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

Ori squeezed back.

Dwalin sat back down, still holding Ori’s hand. The smaller man lay still, but his breathing was irregular. The Scot noticed that he was biting his lower lip.

“When was the last time ya had somethin’ fer pain?” He couldn’t keep the worry out of his voice.

“I don’t remember, but if I get something I’ll go to sleep and when I wake you’ll be gone and this will just have been a dream.” The words were so soft Dwalin could barely hear him.

“I’ll be here.” Dwalin squeezed his hand. “Dinna worry.”

He pressed the call light and sat quietly, still holding Ori’s hand. The nurse answered and asked what he needed. She came in with an injection that she administered as gently as possible.

She looked at Dwalin holding her patient’s hand and smiled. “He’ll sleep now, so you can take a break now if you wish.”

Dwalin shook his head. “I’ve nowhere else ta’be. I’ll stay if ya dinna mind.”

The nurse didn’t mind at all.

 

* * * *

 

Dwalin had nearly nodded off himself when he heard a whisper from the bed.

“You stayed.”

“I promised.”

“And you’re still holding my hand…”

Dwalin didn’t have to wonder if he was blushing, the heat from it went all the way down to his toes. “Yeah, I am. Is that okay?”

“It’s more than okay, it’s bloody amazing.” Ori gave that crooked little smile and Dwalin felt his heart skip a beat.

He sat there feeling like a complete fool, but he didn’t let go of Ori’s hand.

There was a noise that made them both look up. Two garda stood there. The shorter one had a decided smirk on his face. The nurse pushed past them to get to Ori.

“They’ve come to take your statement, if you’re up to it. If you’re not, they can come back later.” She checked the pulse monitor and stood waiting for his answer.

Ori looked up at Dwalin and then at the garda. The short red-head had that look he’d come to know so well. He didn’t care if a queer got his arse kicked. He wouldn’t have cared if Ori had been killed—one less pervert in the world, as far as he was concerned. But the other had a neutral expression that was not unkind. He looked at the bruises and Ori could see his eyes darken. This officer would make them pay for what they did, if he could.

Ori nodded. “Yes. I think I can manage.” He looked at Dwalin. “Can you stay?”

Dwalin gave a curt nod, his eyes never leaving the officers. “Aye, I’ll stay.”

Ginger-smirk took a step forward and shook his head. “You wait outside, this is a police matter. You can get back to yer hand-holdin’ when we leave.”

Dwalin’s face went cold. “I stay.”

“You and yer ‘friend’ can get back to it when we’re done.” He squared his shoulders to draw attention to his uniform and badge, neither of which impressed the Scotsman in the slightest.

The taller garda put a restraining hand on Ginger-smirk’s wrist. “Tom, I believe this is the gentleman who came to Mr. Ri’s aid. He’s a Blue Angel so you’d best watch your tongue.” The expression on his face showed how much he enjoyed being able to say that to his partner.

Tom was still smirking. “Oh is that so, Mr…”

“Fundinson,” Dwalin supplied, rising until he towered over the officer.

“Yes, I do ride with the Blue Angels and yes, I was the one who came to Mr. Ri’s aid.” His Glaswegian accent had vanished to be replaced by almost perfectly inflected King’s English. “Mr. Ri wishes me to stay and as I have a direct connection to this incident, I am not inclined to leave.”

Tom’s smug look vanished in direct proportion to the enjoyment his partner was getting from the exchange. He nodded once. “You can stay.”

The taller officer said, “I’m pleased to meet you, Mr. Fundinson” He smiled, breaking the tension. “I’m a fan of your work, well in this case anyway.”

Dwalin’s eyebrow rose, he wasn’t sure what to make of the officer’s manner.

The garda held his hand out. “I’m Officer O’Brien and this is Officer Harrison.”

Dwalin shook his hand and noted that Harrison was pointedly ignoring him. And garda wondered why some folks didn’t like them…

Office O’Brien motioned to the chair, suggesting that Dwalin could be seated. “It would be helpful if you had anything to add. Perhaps something that slipped your mind yesterday at the station.”

Dwalin nodded and took his seat. This time he did not take Ori’s hand and noticed out of the corner of his eye that the smaller man had shoved Paddington under the covers.

Questioning Ori didn’t take very long. One minute he’d been walking along, thinking about his doctoral dissertation, and the next he was on the ground trying to protect himself. There wasn’t much to say. Dwalin was the one who had seen them and apprehended two of them.

“We have two in custody, they’re a bit bunged up but very talkative.” Officer O’Brian said lightly. “I expect the third miscreant will be along shortly, if he isn’t in custody already.”

“What will happen…to them…I mean,” Ori asked softly.

“They attacked an unarmed man with the intent to do bodily harm, so they will face the judge, bail will be set, charges will be filed and they will have to legally face up to what they did to you.” He looked at Ori kindly. “They won’t be doing it again, lad, so don’t you be worrying.”

“What…what if I don’t press charges?” Ori’s voice was almost a whisper.

“Why ever wouldn’t you want to?” This time it was Officer Harrison. “You’re a sight. They did a right job on you, if you don’t mind me saying.”

Ori nodded. “If they are convicted they will be expelled and their lives could be ruined. Suppose it only makes them worse?”

“Dwalin’s head snapped around. “ Are ya afraid they’ll come after ya again?”

“No, that’s not it.” He took a long breath and they could all see that talking hurt. “What good will come of it, if the only lesson they learn is not to get caught? Do you think we could arrange for them to do community service at Q Soc so they can learn instead of being punished?”

Officer O’Brian was smiling. “You want them to have to associate with gays? That might be worse punishment than jail for the likes of them.”

Ori gave a little smile. “Maybe, but I’m hoping they learn that we’re not so different and there’s nothing to be afraid of.” He paused and looked at Dwalin as if drawing strength. “It may be that one or more of them is gay and is so afraid that they lash out.”

Harrison shook his head. “So you’re sayin’ that you want to help them rather than lock them up?”

Ori nodded, big eyes soft, his brow furrowed. “I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

The officer shook his head and then looked at his partner. “I’ve never head anything like this. I thought you’d want to get your own back. You’re a brave man, Mr. Ri.”

Ori shook his head. “Not brave, just peaceful.”

When the gardai left, Dwalin looked over at Ori and quietly reached out and took his hand again. He looked at the smaller man, seeing past the bruises and the funny crooked face.

"That was amazing, what you did." His voice was respectful, his accent almost silent. "They almost killed you and yet you don't want to take their future."

Ori shook his head. "Hate breeds hate. If they learn we aren't really different maybe there won't be a next time. Maybe they will stop someone else from doing this." He looked up at Dwalin and tried to smile. "Besides, it sounded as if they didn't get off unscathed."

The Scotsman looked at his skinned knuckles. "Yeah, they paid a bit. Not enough to suit me, but I'm a heathen."

Ori laughed delightedly and then winced. All the talking had made his face start aching. "You're a knight in shining armor."

Dwalin knew he was as red as a beet and couldn't help it. No one had ever called him anything like that before. No one ever looked at him like Ori did, either. "Well, I dinna have much choice."

Ori nodded. "Maybe, but you didn't have to bring me presents or sit here and hold my hand."

Dwalin was spared from more embarrassment when the nurse showed up with Ori's lunch tray. She looked at Dwalin pointedly and said, "Visiting hours are over until fourteen hundred."

Dawdling, he saw the nurse uncover a tray that consisted of broth that smelled terrible and a bowl of Jell-O. "I know it's not the Ritz, but you’ll be back on solid food before you know it."

Ori gave Dwalin a ‘just shoot me’ look and poked the cup twice before abandoning it. He just couldn't bring himself to eat the murky liquid.

The nurse was fussing with his blood pressure monitor and noticed that he hadn't eaten. "You need to eat something, Mr. Ri, so you can take your medication."

He picked up the little cup of soup and nearly dropped it. Dwalin swooped in and captured it, gently holding it to Ori's lips. He took a taste and winced. The big Scot sniffed it and put it back on the tray. "Ack, it smells like an old boot."

The nurse frowned, but didn't contradict him. 'You'll have to leave while he eats and takes a nap. You may return at two." Her demeanor booked no denial.

Dwalin left feeling like a betrayer for leaving Ori in pain with an inedible lunch. When he got to the waiting area, he pulled out his mobile and rang Bilbo.

The chef surprised him by arriving at the hospital in less than an hour carrying a basket that no doubt contained many wondrous and mysterious things. He greeted Dwalin warmly and the two of them hid in a room until the nurse passed and then bolted into Ori's room, scaring the crap out of him.

Dwalin quickly spoke up. "This is Bilbo, he's married to my cousin Thorin. He's a bit of a dab hand with food."

Ori looked stunned. "I know you," he said, pointing at Bilbo. "You're my favorite chef."

Bilbo grinned at the wide-eyed little man and put his finger up to his lips. "You have excellent taste, young man. Now not a sound, or I will have to leave along with my special cream of chicken soup and raspberry scones."

Ori's eyes remained wide, but he shook his head as he indicated that he wasn't about to protest. It wasn’t everyday a celebrity chef magically appeared in your room to bring you lunch.

Bilbo took stock of the Paddington bear he was holding and the ghastly dark rainbow of bruises and welts that disfigured Ori's face. He approached the bed and unpacked the basket onto the nightstand. The soup was in a thermal cup decorated with clowns that was leftover from when Kili used to spend the night. The straw was big and would pass soup easily.

"I pureed it so that you don’t have to chew," Bilbo said quietly. He helped Ori manage the cup, chuckling as the wide-eyed look turned to pure bliss.

"S'good," Ori mumbled around the straw. "You're both angels."

"If I was the food in Heaven would improve dramatically," Bilbo replied with a twinkle in his eyes.

He looked at Dwalin. "Oh go on, look in the basket. There's a ham sandwich for you in there."

The three of them dug in, Bilbo munching on one of his raspberry scones. Ori sipped at the soup and then allowed Bilbo to break off bits of scone and feed him as if he were a baby bird. Dwalin managed to polish off two of the scones while watching.

"You know, Bilbo, you'd make a great parent,” the Scotsman observed.

Bilbo laughed. "Taking care of handsome lads like this is as close as I ever want to get. I helped raise Kili and that's more than enough."

Bilbo smiled and looked at the two of them, so different and yet so perfect for one another. Their guest room was going to have an occupant for some time, or at least until Dwalin moved down from Glasgow.

After lunch Bilbo took his leave, but Dwalin stayed. He sat there looking at Ori, very much wanting to say something and very much afraid to speak.

When the silence became too uncomfortable he looked over and said, “I know a bloke like me don’t have the right to ask, but I’d like to…uh maybe take ya out to dinner. Well, after you get out of here, that is.”

Ori looked surprised and Dwalin took that for a “no.” He started to get up, but a gentle hand stayed him.

“Where do you think you’re going? My guardian angel is supposed to be by my side protecting me.” There was a twinkle in Ori’s eyes and one side of his mouth tugged up into a tiny smile.

“I’m not a guardian angel. Didn’t ya hear me say that I’m a Blue Angel and…”

Ori cut him off. “Blue is my favorite color and I know what you are. I also know what you aren’t. If Bilbo hadn’t come in I would have thought I dreamed you. You’re my Blue Angel.”

He smiled as much as the bruises would allow. “I’d love to go out to dinner with you. I want time to get to know you better.”

“Yeah, a bit of time.” Dwalin’s expression had shifted to hopeful.

“More than a bit,” Ori teased. “How much time do you have?”

Dwalin grinned. “The rest of my life.”

 

 

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are moving ahead. Relationship building takes time and patience. It also takes the ability to talk, something Kiwi’s aren’t always so good at doing. Fortunately, the Irish are a bit better and if they wear their hearts on their sleeve, that’s not necessarily a bad thing when you are working things out. 
> 
> I want to thank everyone for their patience. I hope the Dwori chapter kept away the mid-break blues. I do love those two dorks. 
> 
> I want to thank Ceallaig1 and CassandraSade for their awesome proofreading skills. If there are any errors its because I can’t stop tinkering even after its been proofread. ;) I also want to thank the folks who wrote to me with the latest breakthroughs in spinal cord research. Hopefully someday no one will have to be in a wheelchair.
> 
> If you are given to reading comments you will notice a discussion on my abuse of the word "retarded." It was an error on my part and has been removed. I got called out on it as should happen. Never be afraid to stand up for something in a story that you do not feel right about.

 

The weather was shite. It had been shite for nearly a week, interspersed with periods of general crappyness and no real promise of clearing. The sun had gone on holiday and the only things going out were ducks and people who had to pay the rent.

Fili was disappointed that the weather kept postponing their stargazing. Kili was used to it and had reminded his boyfriend several times about the idiocy of making long-range outdoor plans when living in Dublin. That had resulted in a pillow fight that ended in the bedroom. No winner was declared.

They’d done a driving lesson in the rain, with Kili going far too fast to suit the trainer. Fili had watched for a while and then steeled himself for Kili’s upcoming bad humor. If he had been the driving instructor he would have opened the door and ejected the adorable Irishman, with an apparent death wish, onto his gorgeous arse. The instructor was more polite than that, but had threatened to stop the lessons until Kili bought a clue. The constant rain was getting to everyone.

Locomotor therapy came and went without a meltdown, possibly due to Fili taking his leave to hit the art store and not returning until it was time to pick Kili up. Thorin didn’t have a date for the meeting with Father Grey yet, so they just waited. Fili surmised that it was like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Sex was good. They hadn’t “gone all the way” again, as Fili caught himself thinking of it. Nor had they talked about the decision that had been made that night. Moving in was a big deal, at least to him, but he didn’t know how to bring it up in conversation. It was as if neither of them knew how to talk about it.

For his part Kili thought about it constantly. He mulled it over, worried about it, fantasized about how he would tell everyone and, ultimately, panicked himself into near respiratory arrest. Since he had no way of knowing that Fili wasn’t in much better shape he naturally assumed that he was a problem and was going to fuck it all up.

Fili was working on something Photoshop-ish,reading was boring, there was nothing on telly, and so the Irishman pulled out his long neglected laptop. He hadn’t done more than answer a few messages on the forum. But his wrists were much better now, so he logged on and went into the chat room at his favorite disability site.

He was immediately hailed by everyone. Flattire was there and he immediately sent a pm.

Flattire: sup man? where ya been

ChaseBMX: Fucked up my hands

Flattire: ?

ChaseBMX: Lost my temper and hit a door I am not a smart man

Flattire: LOL bet ya wont do that again

ChaseBMX: Bet I won’t either. How u doing

Flattire: wifes preggers invitro rocks

ChaseBMX: congratz u want a boy or girl

Flattire: as long as it doesnt have 2 heads its good :)

Flattire: howd ur hot date ever pan out

ChaseBMX: asked me 2 move in

Flattire: and

ChaseBMX: I said yes

Flattire: wicked awesome

ChaseBMX: wicked

Flattire: u gonna get hitched

ChaseBMX: jesus don’t go there it’s only been a week don’t even have my stuff yet.

Flattire: sorry i guess thats a pretty big leap

ChaseBMX: no shit Sherlock I’m scared enough as it is

Flattire: ?

ChaseBMX: never thought I’d find anyone :(

Flattire: yeah me 2 but if she wanted my sorry ass I just decided fuck it go for the gold

ChaseBMX: and now you’re gonna be a daddy I know I need to stop worrying

Flattire: he treat you good

ChaseBMX: yeah he’s awesome

Flattire: then hang on tight and dont let him get away

Flattire: got 2 go wifes hollering take care yourself bro and be happy

ChaseBMX: Thanks, gratz on the baby. See u

When Flattire disconnected, Kilisat there for a minute and then logged out. He grinned at the thought of Flattire being a father. Where there’s a will there’s a way and with the miracles of modern science even a bloke paralyzed from the neck down can have a wife and kids.

He looked over at Fili. _“Hang on tight and don’t let him get away.”_

Kili rolled over to the Kiwi and slid his arms around his shoulders. “I just want to see what you’re doing.”

Fili spent the next hour explaining the process he used to a guy whose only experience with graphics was playing Call of Duty.

 

* * * *

 

On the fifth rainy day, Kili had actually looked forward to the locomotor session in hopes that it would alleviate the spasms in his leg. It did seem to help some, but he came home uncertain if it was the therapy or the exercise that did it. He was exhausted and felt like an over-cooked noodle.

“I’m gonna die,” he’d said as he wheeled himself into the living-room. “I did the loco machine and a fuck-ton of pull-ups.”

“A fuck-ton?”

“Yeah, that’s twice as much as a shit-ton.” He handed the Kiwi his damp jacket. “Days like this always remind me why I avoided working out.

Fili hung up their jackets to dry. “Why’s that?”

“’cause I’m a lazy bastard.”

“You want some help in there?”

“Naw, got it covered. I’m exhausted and my back aches. I need to lie down and stretch out.”

Fili came around the corner in time to see the Irishman stretching his shoulders before he lifted himself into bed. Fili came in and pulled open the bottom drawer of the dresser to get out a heating pad.

Kili’s brows furrowed. “What’cha got and what’s it for?”

“It’s for you and your stiff muscles. Now take your shirt off and turn over.”

“You sure this isn’t a ploy to have your way with me?” Kili asked cheekily as he stripped off his T-shirt.

Fili laughed. “Well I suppose I could get kinky if ya want but I’m stuffed if I know what I’d use the heating pad for.”

Kili rolled his head and fixed him with one eye. “I give up. What _are_ you gonna use the heating pad for?”

“Well, I was going to bake some bread but I thought that might take a bit too long, so I thought you might actually use it to get some of the stiffness out of your leg. It’s damp and chilly in spite of it being summer and all.”

“It’s summer in Dublin. What did you expect?”

“Uh…summer? Doesn’t summer usually have sun?”

Kili laughed merrily. “Dream on. You’re lucky we’ve had as much sun as we’ve had.”

The beaches to the north of Auckland beckoned with their sun swept stretches of black sand and turquoise waters. Fili heaved a sigh. If he had to choose he’d stay in the chill and the rain for the rest of his life as long as he was with Kili. Bending over he planted a kiss on the Irishman’s ribs making him squeal.

“Tickles,” he protested.

“Then roll your top, I’ll get your arse and legs and let me have a go at those stiff shoulders of yours.” Fili slid his hands under Kili’s hips and turned him, positioning his legs with his left thigh pillowed on the warmth of the heating pad.

He straddled Kili and reached up to brush his hair off his shoulders. Spying a band hung on the knob of the lamp, he leaned forward, gathered up the shock of straight dark hair, and quickly bundled it into a ponytail. It stuck out in all directions and Fili batted it playfully.

“Hey!” Kili protested.

“I couldn’t help it, your ponytail looks cute.” For emphasis, the blond swatted it again.

Semi-annoyed, Kili snorted. “Just for that I’m not getting it cut again, ever.”

 

 

The Kiwi had a fleeting mental image of his lover siting straight and sleek with that mass of dark hair spilling down his back, shading from jet to mahogany as it caught the light. He leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss into Kili’s shoulder.

“Promise?”

“Promise what?”

“That you’ll let your hair grow.” Another kiss.

That was something had hadn’t occurred to him, having come from a family that was continually ragging on him to get it cut.

“You’d like it long? Really?” He twisted to that he could see Fili smiling at him.

“Yeah, I think it would be sweet if you had long hair. I could braid it for you.”

The Irishman laughed as he warmed to the idea. “If I do then you have to. I want to see your hair long and golden. Yeah, that’d be hot.”

“I don’t know how hot it will be, but we will get shaggy together, yeah?” Fili chuckled at the idea. “We’ll take a walk on the wild side.”

“Yeah, long hair is pretty edgy.” Kili teased. “We can get matching scarves and be hipsters.” Kili was getting into this. Any excuse not to cut his hair was a good one. It wasn’t as much that he liked long hair, as it was he hated to have to sit still and have someone fuss with it. But if that someone was Fili, he thought he might be able to get into it.

“Okay, now you’re scaring me.” He tugged at Kili’s ponytail, pulling it up higher.

“Ow, that stuff’s connected to my scalp, ya know,” the Irishman protested.

“You want lotion in your hair? I’ll be glad to put it back down.”

“I’ll pass. I guess if I have my own private masseuse I should just relax and take advantage of it.”

“Damn right. If I was charging, you couldn’t afford me,” Fili teased as he squirted lotion into his hands and warmed it before slicking Kili’s back.

The brunet nearly erupted from the bed. “Fuck! I’d pay extra to have you warm that shite!” Kili twisted unsuccessfully trying to see Fili and escape the chill of his hands.

“I did warm it. You’re a wimp. Now relax and let me work my magic.” Fili grinned evilly and then relented.

He bent over and trailed kisses down Kili’s spine, then slid lotioned hands over tight shoulder muscles, fingers kneading and pulling, teasing the muscles into giving up their spasms and slide loose and relaxed. He didn’t quite make it to the Irishman’s waist before gentle snores signaled that the massage was over. Fili slid carefully from the bed, covered Kili, checked on the heating pad, and then quietly left the room

Fili kicked on the computer and tried to work on one of photographs. He hadn’t mentioned calling home to Kili, and keeping it secret was eating at him. He couldn’t start keeping secrets, or this relationship would slowly slide backwards they would end up distrusting one another.

He got up and made a cup of tea. His mum would be horrified that he used the microwave, but he could never tell any difference in the taste. Hot water was hot water and teapots held no magic. He carried it back into the living room and sat in front of the window, letting it steep.

The sky was uniformly grey and the old city looked sad and gloomy. It was afternoon, but no one was on the street and even traffic had slowed to a trickle. This was the kind of day that brought on the blues even if you didn’t suffer from depression. Fili had been fighting it for years and was finally off medication. He hated needing a pill to help him feel better and didn’t want to go back to those days.

His talk with Kathleen had gone well. She’d pointed out that his mother had sounded cheerful and even teased a little about his dad being slow to get to the phone. He was so concerned with talking to his father that he hadn’t even noticed. Maybe the two of them had stopped hating him. He held the cup poised, on hold, the way he felt his life had been for so long.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, looking out at the rain.It brought back too many sad memories of being alone. Finally, feeling slightly foolish, he got up and went to the bedroom.

Kili’s eyelashes fluttered as the door opened. Without opening his eyes, he pulled the covers back next to him in warm invitation.

Fili divested himself of everything except his briefs and gotinto bed. Kili’s arm came up and he tucked himself under it, snuggling against the warm furry chest awaiting him.

“Are you awake?”

Kili opened one eye. “I am now. You’re freaking cold,” he teased.

“Sorry. Do you want me to go back into the living room so you can finish your nap?”

“Yeah,” Kili replied, tightening his grip as Fili tried to move away. “In about a billion years, so stay here until then, yeah? You’re freezing. Come closer and get warm.”

Kili pulled Fili in so that he was bundled against him; a chilly Kiwi burrito, all tucked in and safe in his lover’s arms.

“What’s the matter?” Kili said softly. He reached up and ran his fingers through Fili’s curls.

“I called my mum and dad,” Fili confessed.

“What, just now? Really, what did they say?” His eyes were open now and he shifted so that he could see Fili.

“No,” Fili’s voice was almost a whisper. He was so ashamed of himself for not telling Kili much sooner. “It was after your locomotor session last week, when you got upset.” He nuzzled down, trying to keep from meeting Kili’s eyes.

“You went in the bedroom and shut the door. I was feeling so alone. I don’t know why, but I picked up the phone and called.”

“How did it go? Were they still mad at you?” He twisted and made Fili look at him. “They weren’t, were they?”

The blond shook his head. “No. It actually went pretty good. Mum was friendly. She sounded kind of stiff, but it was like she was trying. She was worried that I’d called because something happened to me.”

Kili chuckled. “Of course she did. Mums are all alike. It’s good that she talked to you. How about your dad?”

“He really surprised me. He wanted to know all about Dublin. He might start teaching art at a local college with a really good reputation. I know he’d like that.”

“You know what he really liked?” Kili asked.

Puzzled, Fili shrugged. “No, what?”

“You, silly. He liked having you call home. It’s good you did.” He leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Fili’s forehead. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? This is really good news.”

Fili paused; he had a hard time forming the words and ended up just blurting them out. “I was afraid I’d hurt you if I said anything.”

Kili’s arms tightened almost to the point of discomfort. “You bloody stupid bastard,” his voice was low and harsh. “How could you think that you’d hurt me with good news? Me and my mum don’t have anything to do with your folks. I _want_ you to be happy and get along with your mum and dad.”

“I’m sorry,” Fili whispered. “I didn’t know how to bring it up, so I just didn’t. Please don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. Just don’t keep things from me.” Kili kissed his forehead again and then moved down to claim his lips.

One kiss dissolved into two and the two into three.

They made love slowly, but with a honeyed combination of sweetness and heat that left them both breathless on the bed.

Afterward they lay curled together, putting off getting up to wash. There was a closeness that hadn’t been there before. They’d spent so much time working things out in bed that they’d almost forgotten what it was like to just make love and not think about who did what to whom and what would work and what would not. They knew each other’s bodies now and it brought a peace to their lovemaking that they hadn’t realized was missing.

Fili nuzzled Kili and kissed him gently. “You know we haven’t really talked about this whole moving in thing yet.”

Kili nodded, ducking his head, so that his face was hidden.

“We don’t have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable.” Fili was trying to be soothing. He was a little confused. He’d never known anyone who talked as little about a relationship as Kili did. He couldn’t figure out if it was that it made him uncomfortable to talk about his feelings, or if he was worried that if they talked it would someone all come apart.

“What did you want to talk about?” The question was hesitant and muffled by the pillow.

“We haven’t told anyone yet and we need some help to get your things over here. I can’t manage your trophy case by myself.”

Kili’s head came up. “You’d want to bring that here? There isn’t room for it.”

“I’ll make room,” Fili reassured him. “Did you really think you’d have to leave something so important behind?”

The silence was his answer.

“Aw babe, how could you think that?” Fili tried to turn him, but he resisted. “Do you think I could have my paintings here and not have your trophies? What kind of boyfriend would I be? People would think I don’t love you.”

“Do you?”

Fili was puzzled. “Do I what?”

“Love me.”

The words were so soft and muffled that Fili wasn’t sure he’d heard them at first.

Then it hit him and he nearly jerked with the force of the question. Damn him for being a stoic, keep-it-all-fucking-inside, Kiwi!

He reached down and gently pried Kili’s head up where he could see him.

“I’m sorry, Kili, I’m so sorry for thinking you should just know. You’re not a fucking mind reader.”

He brushed the Irishman’s hair from his eyes and looked deep into their chocolate depths.

“I love you, Killian Oakenshield. I think I fell in love with you the first time you smiled at me. I can’t imagine ever loving anyone else.”

“Really?” Kili’s eyes brightened.

“Really. I want us to be together and to work this whole thing out.” He bent and kissed Kili tenderly.

Suddenly strong arms encircled him; pulling him down so hard he couldn’t breathe. Refusing to complain, he just let the brunet hug as hard as he wanted. It was the best pain he’d ever felt.

“I love you, too. I love you,Philip.” Kili’s voice was husky as he struggled to get the words out. “I was so scared you couldn’t love me. I love you so much.”

“Good, now let me go so I can live long enough to keep loving you.” Fili barely had enough air to get the words out.

Kili released him and laid back, a smile in his eyes. He reached up to twist a golden curl between his fingers. “I never thought I’d ever say those words to someone, let alone feel them. It feels like you filled up a hole I didn’t even know I had.”

Fili leaned down and kissed him lightly. “I didn’t think I’d ever say them again myself. But then, I never thought I’d meet anyone like you.”

A shadow flickered across Kili’s face, darkening his eyes. He glanced away nervously and then kept his eyes downcast. “I know I don’t have a lot to give you, but I promise to do my best and…”

“Stop, right now. Just stop,” Fili warned. “I can’t listen to any more of your put-downs. I just can’t. I appreciate the fact that you were worried about finding someone. I know it isn’t easy for you to let go of those worries. I’m full of doubts too, but I’m doing my best to work through them. But you tend to wallow in them.”

He laid a tender hand against Kili’s cheek. “You are gorgeous, and funny, and brave, and sweet, and you make me crazy in bed. There’s no reason for you to keep putting yourself down. I want you to think seriously about going to a therapist.”

Kili clenched his eyes closed, but Fili ignored him. “Don’t shut me out. I think it’s helped me. I wouldn’t suggest anything that I didn’t think would be good for you.”

“I…I’ll think about it,” Kili whispered, pressing his face against Fili’s hand.

The blond leaned over and kissed him gently. “Okay, you think about it, but I’m not letting this go. Alright?”

Kili nodded. He turned his head and kissed Fili’s palm. “I didn’t think you really meant it about me moving in.”

Fili was shocked. “Why the hell not?”

He ducked his head so that his voice was muffled. “You talked about fixing the bathroom for me once, but…” he trailed off.

“But what?” Fili was clueless.

“I can’t go to the bathroom here or take a shower. I can’t move in. I need to go back to my flat for those things.” Now that he’d gotten out what was worrying him, Kili looked up at Fili, his eyes dark and hooded. “That’s why I didn’t think you really meant it.”

Fili flopped back on the bed and brought his hands up to cover his face. “If this doesn’t make me the dumbest fuck that ever lived, nothing does! I’m deaf and blind and dumb as a rock.”

He resisted Kili’s effort to pull his hands up. “I’m lecturing you and here I am, the biggest arsehole that ever lived. I don’t know how you put up with me.”

“The same way you put up with me,” Kili shot back. “We’re a couple of arseholes together. Now move your fucking hands so I can kiss you.”

Fili pulled one down, looking at the Irishman with one blue eye. “I’m sorry.”

Soft kisses reassured him, Kili pushing until the other hand moved to slide around the brunet’s shoulders and pull him close.

“So, you think we should do something about the bathroom?”

“Definitely. Because I can’t move in unless I can at least take a shower and being able to shit would be a good thing too.” Kili’s eyes were sparkling. “I know you like to think I’m perfect, but even us perfect people have to take dump now and again.”

“I always knew you were full of shit, but…” Kili’s lips descended on his before he could finish. Fili reached up and pulled him over in a passionate kiss that stole their breath.

When the kiss broke, and Kili could breath again he pushed himself up on one elbow so that he could look down at Fili. The Kiwi smiled, dimples framing that ridiculous braided mustache that Kili loved so much. He was breathtakingly beautiful and his sky-blue eyes were warm as he looked up at his handsome Irishman.

“I could spend all day lying here looking at you,” Kili said happily.

Fili reached up and cupped the side of his face. He drew him down into a sweet kiss that grew hotter with each passing moment.

When they made love this time it was slow and sensuous, full of tiny kisses and light touches and the words “I love you” over and over again.

 

* * * *

 

They eventually managed to roll out of bed. Kili headed for the loo while Fili disappeared into the kitchen to hunt up something for dinner.

When Kili came around the corner he saw the blond staring into the cupboard with a frown. “We don’t have any tomato paste.”

“And this is a problem, why?”

“I’m going to make my famous Kiwi lasagna and I need some tomato sauce,” Fili explained, checking quickly for the other ingredients.

The Irishman wrinkled his nose. “It doesn’t have weird shit in it, does it?”

Slightly taken aback, Fili stopped and turned to face him. “What kind of ‘weird shit’ are you talking about?”

Kili shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe like those little fuzzy green things.”

“Uh…no. No kiwi fruit in my lasagna. It’s Kiwi lasagna because a Kiwi is making it, okay. I was trying to be funny.”

“Oh, okay.” Kili scrunched up his face until his eyes disappeared. “You’re a big one for the craic, you are.”

The blond groaned. “I wish I could say the same for you right now, babe. You look like you dropped about 20 IQ points.”

“Hey, I resemble that remark,” he shot back with a grin.

“Sometimes far too much.” Fili kissed him quickly as he went past. “I’m going to run down to the dairy so I can pick up a couple of tins and astound you with my culinary artistry.”

“Hurry back, so you can feed me and dazzle me with some more big words.”

Fili flipped him a friendly bird as he went out the door.

Grinning, Kili went over and pulled a beer out of the fridge. He was going through the CDs when his phone rang. He quickly dug through the bag on the back of his chair and pulled it out. He didn’t bother to check who it was.

“Hey, what’s up?” he called out cheerfully.

There was a pause and then a man’s voice asked, “Killian Oakenshield?”

“Yeah, that’s me.” He took a swallow of beer and thought that he should actually take a moment to read the caller ID the next time.

“This is Father Grey, I’m given to understand that you are expecting my call.” The voice was deep with an upper class British accent. Father Grey sounded exactly the way a priest should, older and well brought up.

He also sounded scary as fuck.

“Uh. Yeah. Uh…I mean yes, I’m expecting your call.” Kili suddenly found that he’d forgotten how to form a sentence.

There was a friendly chuckle on the other end of the phone. “My dear boy, I’m so very sorry I haven’t called before now, but I wished to speak with your uncle and your mother first. And now I’d love to speak with you, if you would allow it.”

“Yeah, that would be fine. I’d like to speak with you.” He took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves.

Again the deep friendly chuckle, “Don’t worry, I won’t make you take confession, or assign you twenty Hail Marys. This will be a chat. We’ll have tea and get to know one another and perhaps we can find a solution to your dilemma.”

Kili hadn’t realized he was holding his breath. He let it out with a gasp. “Yeah, I’d like a chat. Tea would be fine too.” He nearly smacked himself in the head for sounding like an idiot.

“Excellent. How about Tuesday next at seven? That will give us a chance to get past dinner and have time for a nice chat.”

“Yeah, _(stop freaking saying that word!)_ that would be fine,” Kili said, hoping he didn’t sound as rattled as he felt.

“I will see you then. Have a pleasant evening. Goodnight.” Father Grey hung up without waiting for Kili to reply.

He sat there holding his phone in a limp hand staring at the screen. After waiting for the call he was both irritated at himself for making balls of it and gobsmacked that it was actually going to happen.

He was still sitting there holding the phone when Fili returned.

“Someone call?” the blond asked as he breezed past carrying a bag far larger than necessary for tomato sauce.

“Yeah. I mean, yes. Father Grey called. I’m to meet with him Tuesday next at seven.”

He wheeled out into the kitchen. “He’s already talked to Mum and Thorin. Now it’s my turn.”

Fili unpacked the bag as he talked. Noting that Kili was nervous Fili tossed him a box. “For you.”

The brunet fielded it expertly and laughed. “Mr. Kipling’s Angel Slices. I haven’t had these in ages. You remembered.”

“Yup, I saw them there and knew they had to come home with me. It looks like my timing was pretty good. You look in need of a treat. Go ahead and open them. I’m starving and one won’t spoil our dinner.”

Kili busied himself with opening the package and extracting two of the cakes. He opened them both and bit into the one in his right hand, an expression of utter contentment spreading over his face.

“I love you.”

Fili smiled broadly. “I know. Now give me the other cake before you eat that too.”

Heavy brows furrowed. “I thought you loved me.”

“I do. Now hand over the cake before I have to take drastic steps.” Fili’s eyes were sparkling with mischief.

Holding the cake out of reach, Kili fired back. “Oh and what’re ya gonna do?”

“I,” Fili said smugly as he stepped forward. “Know where every single one of your ticklish spots is.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would. I’m evil.” He snatched the cake before Kili could think of a comeback.

The brunet watched Fili take a bite and then slowly lick his lips. He groaned.

“You’re worse than evil. You’re a tease.”

“Damn straight,” he said with a smug grin.

Kili nearly collapsed, laughing before Fili realized what he’d said. “I’m so damn glad you aren’t straight.”

In retaliation, Fili came around from the back and grabbed the Irishman. Tipping him back, he kissed him thoroughly. And then more than thoroughly.

Much later that evening they called out for pizza…


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving in is official and scary, well a little anyway. There are plans to be made, renovations to consider and it’s all feeling a little overwhelming. But then, Kili has always been up for a challenge. 
> 
> I want to thank Ceallaig1 and CassandraSade for their awesome proofreading skills. If there are any errors its because I can’t stop tinkering even after its been proofread. ;)

 

Saturday the sun came back out and all of Dublin celebrated.

Fili rose with the sun and was sitting in the studio area sketching when Kili came out, hair like a dark haystack, yawning as he rolled across the large room. The blond was wearing a sky-blue T-shirt that matched his eyes. The front had a logo on it that said: “New Zealand: The Most Fun You’ll Ever Have.”

“I like your shirt,” Kili said with a wink. “I agree with it.”

Fili looked a little embarrassed and Kili grinned wickedly.

Chuckling, the Kiwi beckoned him. “Come over here so I can show you something.”

Curious, Kili moved to an open spot next to him. “Whatcha got?”

“I was doing some sketches for our new bathroom. I was online getting an idea for what would work the best. I thought I’d get a few ideas on paper and see what you thought since you’re the pro at this.”

Kili was impressed. The sketches looked very professional. “Where’d you learn to do this kind of drawing?”

“At one point in high school I thought I’d like to be an architect so I took a drafting course. I nearly flunked when the teacher caught me drawing a fancy border around one of my blueprints.” Fili grinned and ducked his head, a little embarrassed at having done such a dorky thing.

“Did you keep it,” Kili asked looking around hopefully.

“Naw, I felt like such a dweeb that I trashed it. I was already getting picked on for being the “little artist creep.” He winced a little as he remembered those days. He was small when he entered high school, not getting his growth spurt until he was a junior. Being small for his age and having delicate features made him a target through most of school.

“Who picked on you?” Kili demanded protectively, his arm instinctively circling Fili’s shoulders.

The blond shrugged. “Who didn’t? When I came home with my third bloody nose, my dad made me take karate to protect myself.”

“Did it work?”

Fili’s lips twitched in a slow smile, his dimples digging deep. “Yeah, it did. I did a sidekick and dropped the biggest one on his arse. He left me alone after that. I think I hurt his ego a lot more than his jaw.”

Kili laughed and said, “I’d love to have seen that.”

“Me too,” Kili replied ruefully. “I had my eyes closed when I did it.”

The Irishman scooted closer. They looked over the plan and Kili’s eyes widened. “This is a whole renovation. You can’t do that, you rent this place.”

 

 

“It’s not actually that big a deal. My landlord told me long ago he didn’t care what I did as long as I didn’t wreck the joint.” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “I’ve been toying with the idea of buying it, actually. It would be a good investment since I can rent out the other two floors. That would make the payments and pay for repairs.”

“That’s an awfully big step. I thought you were just in Dublin to photograph some things.” Kili’s voice showed his worry.

Fili leaned over and gave him a little kiss. “Nope. I love this city and I have a very special reason to want to stay. I’ve thought about it a lot and I think I’m ready to become a Dubliner.”

He was so surprised when Kili flung both arms around him that he nearly toppled off his chair. Strong arms pulled him upright.

“You _do_ love me!”

Fili hugged him back tightly. “ Yes, I do. I love you very much.” He twisted in Kili’s arms so he could see him. “I fell in love you the first night you were here. I was just afraid to say anything for fear I’d scare you away.

‘You were?” It was Kili’s turn to be surprised.

“Well, you didn’t really know me and I thought the last thing you needed was some dweeb you’d just met proclaiming undying love.” Fili ducked his head, blushing. “I figured you’d already gotten enough of that.”

Kili shook his head, sending his hair into his eyes. He scrubbed it away. “No one ever said that to me before. I had…uh…fans, I guess you’d say. I even had a stalker for awhile, but not one of them ever said they loved me.” A shadow skimmed across his eyes. “I always thought there was something wrong with me.”

“Don’t say that!” Fili was quick to protest.

“No, it’s true,” the Irishman continued. “I just thought it was something about me and so I told myself it wasn’t something I wanted. I always broke things off after a couple of hookups. I figured I’d dump them before they dumped me.”

He turned and looked into Fili’s eyes, his own burning dark and hot. “Why did you fall in love with me? I was so fucking pitiful.”

Fili reached over and gently brushed the hair further away from those dark eyes. He heaved a sigh and let himself drift back to that night. “I didn’t see any pitiful. I saw a man fighting against what someone did to his body and winning. You needed pain meds, but you were strong enough to admit it and were determined to go and get them yourself. If you’d had a way home you would have left even with the pain you were in. You would have ridden though it like you did when you raced.”

Dark hair flew as Kili’s head snapped around. “What do you mean, when I raced? What do you know about my racing?”

“Do you really think I didn’t look you up? Google has an amazing amount of information about someone these days. Imagine my surprise to find you on YouTube doing the most insane things on a bike.” He laughed as he remembered his heart leaping and stomach clenching at some of the stunts, as if he somehow expected Kili not to survive them.

“You’re crazy you know that? You could have been killed a dozen times over. A hundred times.”

Kili shrugged.

“Certifiable. I watched you hit the ground so hard you bounced and yet you jumped up, got back on and kept on going.”

Fili sucked in a sharp breath, his fingers entwining with Kili’s. “That’s what I saw that first night. You hit hard, but nothing was going to keep you down. Getting up is slower this time, but you aren’t going to stop.” His grip tightened. “I spent so many years afraid to get out and stand up on my own. In you, I saw everything I want to be.”

He faced Kili and looked deep into his eyes. “Will you think I’m daft if I tell you that you’re my hero?”

Kili felt his breath catch in his throat. “I don’t know what to say,” he whispered.

Fili was blushing, “I shouldn’t have said all that. You asked and it’s what I was feeling. You can’t love someone you don’t admire. They have to be worth loving.

“I made that mistake the first time.” His face was fierce. “I’m not making it again.”

The dark eyes looking at him were huge, and so expressive that a range of emotions flickered in them from fear, to disbelief, to confusion. “You saw me able-bodied and you still want me?” He looked down at his legs and then back up and into Fili’s eyes. I’ll never be able to walk or ride a bike again.”

Fili’s lips curved in a gentle smile. “I don’t care. No…it’s more like I don’t notice. I’ve only known you as a wheelie. To me this is normal. Sure I’d love it if you could walk because you’d be happy, but, for me, it makes no difference.”

Kili sat silently, quiet in Fili’s arms. The blond held him, feeling more than slightly foolish for his declaration. It sounded 100% sappy. _You’re my hero—how in the fuck had he come up with that and why did he let it get from his brain out of his mouth? I’m a Kiwi, I don’t say shit like that, not even when I mean every word_.

The two of them were an odd couple, no doubt about it. But it was working for them. Neither could remember being happier. What had been was past, what lay ahead was the future.

After a time, Fili nuzzled against Kili’s cheek. “Are you okay, babe?”

Kili nodded, then looked up a smile lighting his face. “I’m thinking I’ll have what you said bronzed, so I never forget it.”

“They can bronze hot air?” His voice was teasing, but the humor didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“If they could, mate, I’d have cornered the market with the shite I spout.” He lowered his eyes, looking out through his eyelashes. “But that was a really awesome thing to say.”

Fili kissed him tenderly. ‘It’s the truth. It’s also the truth that we need to get a loo and shower figured out.”

They spent the next two hours working on a design that would accommodate both of them. They took a break for breakfast, but opted for cereal that they carried back into the living room so they could continue working.

By looking at online suggestions and picking Kili’s brain they settled on the revision of the shower to being larger with a flat threshold, grab-bars all the way around and built-in shelves to hold shower stuff. For some reason the earlier renovations on the warehouse had placed the toilet away from the wall, so the choice there was for a pull-down grab-bar and a nifty toilet seat with handholds on the side, cleverly called the Wingman. They also chose a sink design that would let Kili get completely under so that he didn’t have to brush his teeth and wash his hands from the side anymore. It would also provide for more drawer space for personal items that Fili always managed to leave strung all over the counter. All in all it wasn’t going to be the huge project Kili had feared.

He looked over the drawing and then up at Fili. “Who’s paying for all of this?”

The Kiwi blinked. He’d just assumed he was paying for it. He had the money and it needed to be done. It had never occurred to him there might be some concern on Kili’s part.

“I can pay for it,” Kili said slowly. “It’s for me. I have my disability allowance. I’m not spending money for anything much except my flat right now.”

Fili shook his head. “It’s my place, I’ll pay.”

There was a long silence. Kili bit his lower lip for a few moments. “You have to let me do this. You buy everything, food, gas for the car, takeaway…everything. Just because you have more money than me doesn’t mean you should pay for everything. I’m not a charity case.” It was something that had been bothering him for a while, but he hadn’t wanted to bring it up.

“I hadn’t thought of it that way,” the blond replied quietly. “I hadn’t thought of it at all. I’ve just been having so much fun I never really thought about who was paying for things and how it might make you feel.”

He looked directly at Kili and took his hand. “I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel like a ‘charity case.’ I know you have your own money. We need to talk more. How about if we decide who pays for what before we do anything expensive.”

Kili nodded. He’d expected Fili to get upset, but he hadn’t reckoned with the Kiwi temperament and Fili’s own experience. The blond had started to object, but then saw how earnest Kili was and backed off. He remembered when he had first met Daniel and how strongly he felt about paying for things. He couldn’t help but wonder if that was how he’d fallen down the rabbit hole of paying for everything.

“If that’s what you want, babe,” he replied quietly.

“Yeah, I have to pay my own way. All my life someone has let me slide on paying my share.” He looked a little embarrassed, his cheeks coloring slightly. “I don’t want to be that guy anymore.”

The blond pulled him close in a one-armed hug. “You’re an okay bloke, you know that?”

“Thanks. So are you. We…” He was interrupted by his phone playing “God Save the Queen” identifying the caller as Bilbo. Fili could hear his voice, but not make out what he was saying. From Kili’s expression he guessed that the news wasn’t bad.

Kili disconnected and grinned at the Kiwi. “Feel like a barbecue? Ori’s brother is in town. He and Bilbo go way back. He’s an antiques dealer and he sold Bilbo and Thorin a lot of the pieces in their house. Thorin will be manning the grill, although Bilbo usually manages to take it over from him. Its is usually right after the declaration that he doesn’t do raw meat and fire.”

Somehow the image of Bilbo throwing raw steaks onto the grill really didn’t compute. He was far to gentile for that sort of nonsense. Fili kept giggling at the images that his brain was throwing out and Kili was grinning at him, knowing exactly what he was thinking.

“What time will this extravaganza take place? Should we bring anything?” Fili leaned back and looked out the window. Not a cloud in sight.

“Not until 4. We’re to bring our appetites and a bottle of Chateau Lafite-Rothschild.” Fili coughed in surprise and Kili burst out laughing. “Naw, we’re just supposed to bring our appetites. Although Thorin did ask if you’d bring your guitar and maybe we could swing by my flat so I can get my violin.”

Fili looked nervous. “I don’t know if I know anything you play.”

Typically nonchalant, Kili shrugged. “If you don’t then just listen. Maybe you can teach us something. It’ll be fun.” He wiggled his fingers. “I’m feeling like I can finally move enough to play. This is the longest time I’ve ever gone without playing and it’s felt weird.”

“I can’t wait to hear you.” Fili leaned over and gave his Irishman a peck on the cheek.

Kili giggled and turned to kiss him back. “I guess I’d better be good then, I don’t want to let you down.”

“That, my love, is something you could never do.”

The Kiwi got up and stretched. “Well, since we have a considerable amount of time before we have to go, how would you like to show me a bit more of Dublin?”

‘What did you have in mind?” Kili tipped his chair up onto the back wheels and sat rocking it back and forth, reveling in being able to pop a wheelie for the first time since his accident.

“Christ Church Cathedral,” was Fili’s immediate answer. “I’ve been dying to photograph it since I found it on line.

Kili shot him a sassy grin. “Okay, we’ll put on our flame-proof longjohns and take a shot at it.”

His response was met by a quizzical look.

“I haven’t been in a church since I came out. You’re in the Republic of Ireland me bucko, and they take sinning seriously here.” His smile was positively evil. “You never know, we might combust as we cross the threshold.”

Fili resisted the urge to do a for-real facepalm. “Somehow I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

Kili looked mildly disappointed, his blue eyes darkening. “Probably not, but we’d have made the news: ‘gay blokes burst into flame – and now to Ray Kennedy with the full coverage’.”

“…And set gay rights back a millennia. Admit it, you just want to be in the news, you media whore.” Fili grinned at him and started backing away.

Not fast enough. A throw pillow lived up to its name and caught the Kiwi square in the face. He made a squeaking sound and almost lost his balance.

“That’s for calling me a media whore, you toff who poses with royalty.” Kili whipped around in a circle chortling happily. “You sounded like a tiny little mouse. I should start calling you Mickey.”

Fili tossed the cushion back so that it landed in Kili’s lap. “Let’s go test the waters just to make sure that it’s safe for you to meet with Father Grey. I’ll bring a fire extinguisher along for you though, because I…unlike you, have led a chaste and moral life.”

Kili was just about to take the last sip of his tea and nearly dropped the mug. He tipped up and looked out the window. “Wait, did I just see a flock of pigs fly by?”

Fili had gone into the bedroom, but he popped his head around the door. “You probably did. Now get your gorgeous arse in here and throw on some clothes or I’m leaving without you.”

The Irishman did as he was told, but he brought the pillow with him. Fili’s second squeak of surprise was very very satisfying.

 

* * * *

 

Christ Church Cathedral proved to be even more beautiful than the pictures Fili had seen on line. He started taking pictures from the moment he parked the car in the lot across the street from the church. Seeing that even the tourists looked like they were dressed for church, he felt underdressed in his T-shirt and Levis. He looked at Kili, who was wearing black soccer pants with a red stripe up the side and a matching Tee. No matter what he wore, he always looked gorgeous. Of course, Fili admitted to himself, he might be just the tiniest bit prejudiced.

Almost as soon as he got out of the car, Fili had his camera out and was taking pictures. Kili chuckled quietly to himself as he watched the Kiwi become totally immersed in his photography. After following Fili around for a while, he parked in the shade and was content to observe. He’d seen the cathedral many times, but now he had a chance to study the architecture. It really was magnificent with arched windows that reflected a rainbow of color. He was still trying to figure out how anyone could piece together stained glass like that when Fili returned and they went inside.

As they walked through the door together the magnificence of the church surrounded them. Neither was particularly religious, but they couldn’t help but be awed by the grandeur. Unspoken was the feeling that they were in the presence of something greater than themselves. It wasn’t religious, but it was spiritual. Unconsciously, they found themselves holding hands and just standing quietly amid the splendor.

Kili broke the silence by quipping, “Well we didn’t spontaneously combust.”

Fili looked down at his I (heart) Dublin T-shirt and chuckled. “Nope, not even a spark. I guess it’s safe to continue exploring.” He pointed. “That’s Strongbow’s tomb. I have to go get some shots of it.”

Kili wheeled over after him to inspect the carving on the tomb. He knew from school that the original tomb had been smashed when a wall caved in, but the fact that this replacement dated to the 15th century made is at least marginally interesting. He was far more interested in the main cathedral with its high vaulted ceiling. He liked the grandeur and the idea that his ancestors had conceived and built such a historic piece of architecture.

Fili wanted to go on the tour of the bell tower and Kili thought for a moment that he was going to have to twist his arm to get him to agree. There were just some things that he was not going to be able to do and the both of them had to make peace with that.

Kili looked up at Fili, his dark eyes earnest. “You go on up there babe and shoot the hell out of it. I’ll see the pictures at home. I’m going to explore down here. This is way cooler than I remembered from my class trip. I’ll be here when you get back down.” Without waiting for a reply he turned and headed for a large intricately carved statue.

Reluctantly, the Kiwi climbed the tower steps with the other tourists, snapping photos as he went. At the top of the tower he only half listened to the Head Bell Ringer, although he did get a number of good shots of the Ringer and the bells. He was more interested in shooting the panorama of Dublin spread out below him. It was absolutely magnificent. He couldn’t help wondering what it had looked like when the tower had first been built in in the 15th century.

When the tour was over Fili reluctantly trailed down the spiral steps following the other tourists. When he walked back out into the church Kili was nowhere to be seen. Puzzled, Fili looked around, and then started searching. When he found Kili, he stopped and stood silent.

The brunet was sitting by the altar, hands clasped in his lap with his head bowed. Several tourists came to look at the altar and were careful to be silent and not disturb him. It was obvious that he was deep in prayer. Fili took a seat in a rear pew and looked at the Irishman, trying to capture every detail of this moment in his memory.

Kili was both beautiful and tragic as he sat there in his wheelchair, lost in silent prayer. Only he knew what he prayed for, but Fili knew that it concerned his mother. The Kiwi worried constantly about having come between them, even if it was not his fault. He couldn’t help but feel that he bore some of the responsibility even if it was simply because he was now in Kili’s life. He bowed his head in a prayer of his own.

He was still deep in thought when a soft touch on his arm announced Kili’s presence. Without opening his eyes, Fili slid his hand to cover Kili’s and squeezed gently.

“I just want this to all get better,” Fili whispered.

“Me too.” Kili leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

Together they toured the rest of the cathedral. To their delight there was a small lift that took them down to the catacomb. Fili was dismayed to find a small coffee shop horribly named “The Foxy Friar” and the obligatory gift shop. Ignoring these abominations as much as possible they looked around while Fili shot the ancient statues from every angle. They peered into the glass case at the mummified cat and rat. The poor things got themselves stuck in an organ pipe in the 1850s and for some bizarre reason were now considered worthy of exhibition. When Fili looked at him questioningly, Kili just shrugged. Ireland was full of the inexplicable and he didn’t understand his kin any better than the blond did.

The walk back out to the car was slow, the two men somehow feeling closer. Maybe a little prayer was a good thing, Fili reflected.

Once in the car Kili leaned back against the seat and smiled over at Fili. “Well, we didn’t need any fire extinguishers.”

“None. It’s a lovely place even with all the tourists.” He punctuated his words with a soft kiss that Kili rose up to claim.

“We should come back some time.”

Fili nodded. “I’d like that. Meanwhile we have to go score some beer and a bottle of wine for dinner.”

“Thorin said we didn’t have to bring anything,” Kili reminded him.

“Yeah, I know but I always feel bad showing up with my hands empty. This way I won’t feel so bad about decimating the food. I’m starving.”

Kili laughed delightedly. “Bilbo lives for having people decimate his food. You could eat until you pass out and when you come to he would ask you if you’d like another helping.”

Fili started the car and backed out of the space. “You know, I think I’ll pass on finding out if that’s true.”

They stopped by Kili’s to get his violin and then on to the barbeque. When they arrived at Bilbo and Thorin’s Dwalin’s Indian Chief was pulled up next to Thorin’s new Lexus. They both grinned. Dwalin loved to twit Thorin whenever possible and it was a tribute to the Irishman’s love of his cousin that murder was never done. Secretly, Kili always thought that Dwalin was what Thorin would have been if he hadn’t been so afraid of his father. Well maybe not the whole outlaw biker thing, but more open and free with his emotions. Still, the way he was seemed to suit Bilbo just fine.

When they got out Fili took the two six-packs and Kili plopped the wine on his lap. They almost made it around the corner before running into Ori. He grabbed the Irishman and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

“You’re looking fabulous,” he teased, winking at Fili.

“Dahling, I always look fabulous,” Kili shot back, tipping his chair to do a little boogie on the back wheels.

“You’re going to give him a swelled head,” Fili chided.

“To late, ta’lad’s had one fer years.” Dwalin came around the back of the house and took the beer from Kili. ‘He’s of the opinion he’s a real belter, but we all know he’s just a wee wanker.” He ruffled Kili’s hair, ignoring his squall of indignation.

“You’re the wanker,” Kili shot back. “We bring beer and get insults”

He looked over at Ori. “Why haven’t you civilized this Weegie yet?”

The smaller man shrugged. “You try. He’s a barbarian.”

Dwalin slid his arm around Ori’s waist. “Yeah, and you love it don’t ya?”

The look on Ori’s face said it all. He got a goofy grin and both Kili and Fili burst out laughing. The wild Scot and the cultured Englishman were so different and yet so perfect for one another.

Another car pulled into the drive and a well dressed gentleman with beautifully coifed white hair stepped out. Ori released Dwalin and sprinted across the drive to launch himself at the newcomer.

“Dori, you could make it!” He gave his older brother a hug and looked expectantly at Dwalin. Behind him Dori straightened his tie. Like his navy suit, it was expensive, the dove grey nearly matching the older brother’s hair.

Reluctantly the Scot came over and extended his hand. He was wearing a black Harley t-shirt and his colorful full sleeve tattoos were fully exposed. Dori shook his hand, but it appeared to be with some reluctance. Fili and Kili couldn’t tell if it was because of his tats, piercings, or his orientation.

Dori looked from Ori to Dwalin and then heaved a sign. Fili surmised that he didn’t understand what his younger sibling saw in Dwalin, but that he was resigned to it. He smiled at them both and said, “I’m glad I could get here. My last customer took so long I began to doubt it was going to be possible.” He shook his head. “Some people just want to give you the full history on every piece, which usually includes their full history.”

He shrugged and grimaced. “Such is the life of an antiques dealer. I’m sure you all have much more exciting lives.”

Kili laughed. “Well Dwalin does, the rest of us not so much.” He looked up at his cousin and winked. “Maybe when we’re done eating he’ll share some stories. He always has some beauts.”

Dwalin grimaced. “I don’t think so mate. Just because you have a cast iron stomach, doesn’t mean everyone does.”

Dori looked appreciative. “Thanks. I’d hate to need your services today.”

They all laughed as Ori escorted Dori around to the back.

Fili hung back and stopped Kili for a moment. “Does he have a problem with Ori being gay?”

The Irishman shook his head. “Naw. He’s probably gay too, though no one’s figured it out yet. Not even Ori. It’s more all the tats and piercings that does him in. He’s a bit…uh…genteel for that kinda stuff.”

When they got to the backyard they found the patio was set up with a large round table with a festive red and white gingham cloth covering and place settings all neatly laid out. A side table held plates of appetizers and a huge silver ice bucket had bottles of beer artfully arranged. He could call it a barbeque all he wanted, but for Bilbo every meal was an occasion.

Whooping with joy, Kili sped over and scooped up his favorite treat, little hotdogs wrapped in streaky bacon. He popped two in his mouth at once and grabbed a beer. His hand was greasy and he was having trouble twisting off the cap.

Fili took it from him and popped it easily. He held it just out of reach. “I hadn’t realized I’d be dining with Conan the Barbarian.”

Kili shot him a dark look. “’s good.”

“That’s no reason to shovel it in like an ox. However will I be able to take you to fine places?”

“Fuck you! Gimme!” Kili lunged upward, grabbing for the beer.

The Kiwi burst out laughing and handed him the beer. “I’m going to leave you to guard your bacon and go see if Bilbo needs a hand.”

The barbecue was fun. Thorin came out, long hair caught up in a man-bun, wearing denim and a T-shirt hidden behind an apron that proclaimed him to be a “Professional Meat Mangler.” Fili and Kili both lost it when they read it. Ori pointed and Dwalin laughed so hard he dropped his beer.

Thorin was grinning, even though a blush flamed his cheeks. “Blame Bilbo. He got it for me.”

“Yeah, sure,” Dwalin teased.

He looked over at Bilbo, who was adding more beer to the ice bucket. “So, they say there’s truth in advertizin’, right mate?”

It was Bilbo’s turn to blush. He said something under his breath and scuttled back into the relative safety of the kitchen.

Thorin got the massive grill going and grabbed a beer as he waited for it to heat up. He walked past Kili, deftly nicking a bacon hors d'oeuvre, and went over to talk to Dori. When he judged the grill to be at a sufficient temperature he went back into the kitchen and brought out what looked like half a cow on a platter. Carefully laying the steaks on the grill, he seasoned them, and then stepped back.

Bilbo, following him out, brought a bowl of salad and set it on the table. “Come and get started!” He called, smiling as everyone took seats at his table. He’d left a spot open to accommodate Kili’s chair. He made no secret of doting on his adopted nephew and everyone knew that at least one dessert would be chocolate.

No sooner had Thorin stepped back then Bilbo appeared to check the steaks. It was to be expected and, to tell the truth, the larger man enjoyed it. When they’d first met Bilbo his fussiness had driven Thorin mad, but he’d come to find it amusing and then endearing. It wasn’t that Bilbo was criticizing anyone when he did it; he just wanted everything to be perfect and took it upon himself to make it so.

In a rare show of public affection, Thorin slipped his hands around Bilbo from the back and nuzzled his neck. He said something that no one could hear, but that made the smaller man blush furiously and giggle.

“I think,” Fili observed sagely, “that your uncle is going to live up to what’s written on his apron tonight.”

“One can only hope,” was Ori’s quick reply.

Kili pulled a face, making Fili laugh. His uncles were too close to being parents and the idea of them in the sack still squicked him out a bit.

The steaks were perfect and Kili went out of his way to eat politely, teasing Fili with little sideways glances and giggling as his boyfriend had an altercation with a sassy little tomato that refused to be cut.

Dori was in town for an estate sale and pledged to give Bilbo first crack at any choice items he picked up. Nori was doing 90 days for some minor infraction. As Dori put it, “he’s in and out so much I don’t even ask anymore.”

“You’d think he’d get better at it,” Bilbo quipped between bites of steak.

Ori grinned. “Oh, he’s very good at it. They never know about the big stuff. But he gets cocky and then gets careless and the law slaps his hand now and again.”

Dwalin wisely remained silent, thinking about all the things that he did that he never got caught for. Now that he was respectable, they all seemed so petty and stupid. Worse, they could have cost him this life. Nori was a fool, but it would take something big to make him see it.

Ori looked over at him and slipped his fingers between Dwalin’s. He just adored his big brawny Scot. He’d never thought he’d find someone who loved him, let alone the way Dwalin did. He looked over at Dori and was met with a smile and a tiny nod. The tattoos might be a bit much for his brother, but if pressed, the older man would have said they were perfect for one another.

Dessert was magnificent, of course. Glistening chocolate bombs with side pitchers of rich dark sauce to pour on top and golden treacle tarts with clotted cream. Bibo just stood back and grinned, enjoying watching his guests all become small children who couldn’t decide what they wanted. There was, of course, enough for everyone to have one of each if they so desired.

Kili scooped up a chocolate bomb and commandeered his own pitcher of chocolate sauce. Fili chose the tart, as he’d never had one. He spooned on the clotted cream, dug in, and thought he’d died and gone to heaven. The expressions around the table mirrored his. Everyone was practically purring.

Bilbo edged close to Thorin, who slipped an affectionate arm around his waist and pulled him close. “Sit down love, and have some desert. You earned it.”

“I’ll get fat,” the Englishman teased.

“Just more of you to love.” He raised a forkful of treacle tart and Bilbo nibbled it off the tip of the fork.

As foreplay went, it was perfect. Bilbo thought fleetingly about spooning clotted cream across Thorin’s washboard abs. His blush gave him away and his partner chuckled and reached up to kiss his cheek. That made him blush even harder and he darted into the kitchen to recover his bearings. Thorin followed him and neither of them returned for long time.

Kili heaved a sigh. He just loved his uncle’s affection for his partner. His mind drifted and he wondered if he and Fili would be together as many years as his uncles had been. Now that he’d found the joys of partnership, he had no intention of giving it up.

Bilbo and Thorin eventually emerged and everyone pretended that they didn’t notice kiss swollen lips and a bit of beard burn. Apparently dessert had happened in the kitchen because the smaller man came out smiling shyly and started gathering up the leftovers and taking them into the kitchen. Fili ignored his protests and helped clean up anyway. He’d always done it at home and didn’t feel comfortable being “company.”

After things were cleaned up Bilbo brought out steaming mugs of Thorin’s special Jamaica Blue Mountain coffee. Everyone kicked back feeling like they were being treated like royalty, which was precisely what Bilbo intended.

As the after-dinner conversation started, Thorin motioned for Kili to come with him. Fili remained behind as he picked up his mug and followed his uncle into the house and probably on into Thorin’s home office.

Kili had never particularly liked the office. It was too dark and too British to suit him. Or maybe it was the fact that entering it usually meant that he’d be talked to about something or other that he’d done, or not done. Sometimes Thorin took his role as uncle a little too seriously for Kili’s liking.

To his surprise, they passed the office and went on into the living room. Thorin drew up a chair to sit next to his nephew. He looked uncharacteristically nervous, mug balanced on one knee, a long strand of escaped hair hanging in front of his ear. He took a sip and asked, “Has Father Grey called?”

Kili nodded. “He called yesterday. I have an appointment to see him on Tuesday at seven. He said he’d already talked to you and mum.”

“Yes he has, not together of course.” He didn’t seem to know what to do with his mug and finally settled for setting it on one of Bilbo’s antique tables without using a coaster. Kili leaned over and quickly slid one under it. Thorin nodded his thanks.

“How is she?” He was terrified to ask.

Thorin shrugged. “Not good. She thinks you hate her and that she’s lost you forever.”

Kili looked as if he’d been punched. “Why would she think that? I don’t hate her. She surprised me. If anything I’d think she’d hate me for hurting her so much.”

Tears stung his eyes and he scrubbed them away angrily. “I’ve always just taken her for granted. I thought she supported me because she’s always supported me. I never gave a thought to what she might be feeling and how much this could hurt her.”

“And that is exactly what you are going to tell Father Grey,” Thorin said softly. “You didn’t think and she didn’t say anything and that’s how we ended up at this point in our lives.”

He looked uncomfortable and ran his fingers through his hair, forgetting about the bun. Tangling his fingers in it, he pulled it out and let his hair fall across his shoulders. Kili had never seen him looking less than put together and confident. This messy, nervous uncle was new and a little frightening. If Thorin couldn’t hold it together, how on earth was he supposed to get though it?

“After you and the Father talk, we are all going to meet and see if we can straighten this mess out.” Thorin reached for his coffee and took a sip. “It’s my fault too for just ignoring the whole thing. I got so sick of apologizing for the way I was born when that I just stopped caring what anyone else thought. That’s not the way to go through life.”

Kili didn’t know how to reply so he just sat there fiddling uncomfortably with his coffee mug wishing he was back outside with Fili.

Thorin looked at him and his face gentled into a smile. “I’m sorry. I managed to make this about me. It’s one of my many failings. How are things going with you and Fili?”

Kili dipped his head a little and gave his uncle a shy smile. “He asked me to move in with him.”

“And…” Thorin prompted.

“I said ‘yes’ of course.”

Thorin’s laugh was thunderous. “Excellent! You two were made for each other. When are you going to make the move?”

Kili laughed happily. “I’m glad you approve. I have to see about getting out of my lease, but mostly it depends on getting the bathroom fixed up. You wouldn’t happen to know any good contractors would you? I can’t really move in until I can take a shower.”

“As a matter of fact I know a couple. I’ll email their names to you. Either one will treat you fairly and do a good job. You let us know when you’re ready to move things in and Dwalin and I will help you out.”

“Aw, you don’t have to do that. I can get someone.” Kili didn’t want impose on anyone.

“Damn right we have to do it. We’ve been waiting for years for you to find someone and settle down.” Thorin grinned at him, blue eyes twinkling merrily. “So don’t even think you’re going to deny us the pleasure.”

Kili nodded. He took a breath and looked up at Thorin. “When you and Bilbo moved in together were you scared?”

“Shitless,” Thorin replied quickly. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more afraid in my life. I couldn’t decide if I was more afraid that it wouldn’t work out, or that it would.”

“Why?” Kili was astounded by that answer, it was the last thing he’d expected his uncle to say.

“I didn’t want to live without him, but I didn’t know if I was ready for that kind of responsibility.” Thorin scratched his beard thoughtfully. “Bilbo was my first real commitment. Before that it was hookups and short affairs that went sour. I had no faith that I could handle a long-term relationship.”

He leaned forward, resting his arms on his thighs. “Funny thing was that Bilbo felt the same. We had the same history of hookups and failures. I guess since we both came into it worried we’d fail, it made us work that much harder.

He chuckled, remembering their early days together. “We both put up with amazing amounts of bullshit as we figured each other out.” He smiled at Kili. “You have to cut each other a lot of slack in the beginning, but if you love him, it’s easier to do that then you think.”

“Do you love him?”

Kili wasn’t expecting that question, but answering it was the easiest thing he’d ever done.

“With all my heart.”

“Then it will all work out. You’ll see.” Thorin said reassuringly.

 When they came back out Fili raised an eyebrow in question to where they went. Kili came over and gave him a hug. “Thorin just wanted to make sure Father Grey called me. I told him about my moving in.”

Fili slid a possessive arm around Kili’s waist. “What did he say?”

“He thinks it’s a great idea. He volunteered to help me move and said he’d email me the names of some contractors for the bathroom work.” Kili was so happy he was having trouble sitting still.

“I’m glad,” Fili quipped. “I’d hate to have to fight him for your hand.”

“Considering that he outweighs you by about three stone, so would I,” Kili commented wryly.

Before the Kiwi could think of a comeback, Thorin’s whistle cut through the conversation.

“Yo! Céilí in the living room in five!!

Fili hopped up. “I’ll get our instruments out of the car.”

Kili grinned at him and then tipped his chair onto the back wheels and boogied. “This is so gonna rock!”

 

  
 


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's party time! The barbeque is over and it's time for the Ceili (kay-lee) which means music and drinking and laughter and drinking and a bit more drinking just because. Park your liver and your bad mood at the door. It's time to have a party and celebrate life!
> 
> The links are to YouTube and are as close as I could find the songs. I only wish I could really find links to these fine lads singing and playing. 
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry for the delay in putting this chapter up. It was pointed out that my statement about Pabu no longer being able illustrating this story sounded as if we had a disagreement. Nothing could be further from the truth. She is my friend and I love her to death. Uni and other things in her life make it impossible for her to continue to illustrate this story as it requires too much commitment at this point her her life. This is only a fanfic and sometimes real life just gets in the way of fandom. Sad but true. I hope that she may be able to illustrate again at some point, if not my story, then one of her own. Until then, we will struggle along without her. She will be missed and her return is something I will continue to hope for. :)

They all gathered in the living room. It was massive confusion with instruments being pulled out of cases, inspected, tuned, admired, swapped around, and returned. Everyone was talking and laughing at once. It was marvelous. Fili showed off his guitar and was surprised when Thorin played an excellent blues riff on it.

Thorin handed it back and pulled out a case big enough to hide a body. His interest piqued, Fili waited to see what was going to come out of it and was gobsmacked when he saw Thorin remove a large intricately carved Celtic harp. This was the last thing he expected Thorin to play. He felt himself drawn to it like a moth to a candle.

It was a dark rich maple, golden and shining with deeply carved knotwork scrolls up the column and across the neck. The body carving was a little more intricate with knots weaving in and out and turning back upon themselves in wondrous precision. His fingers itched to touch it and trace the carving.

Thorin smiled gently. He’d seen that look before. “Go ahead, she loves to be touched.”

Fili jerked his eyes up and could feel himself blushing. “I don’t want to mar it.”

The responding chuckle was deep and merry. “You won’t. She gets polished often enough and an instrument likes being appreciated.”

“She?”

Thorin nodded, his eyes twinkling. “Only a female could be this beautiful and contrary. She hates humidity, but hates dry air even more. She goes out of tune if you breathe wrong, but when she’s happy, the lady can sing so beautifully she’ll break your heart.”

“That’s the truth, lad,” Dwalin confirmed. “She can be a right bitch, but when she’s pleased there’s nothing like her sound.”

He looked at the harp with love. “She’s all hand-carved. _Niamh_ fair makes an old sod like me wish he could play more than the bodhrán.”

“Ne-ath?”

Dwalin chuckled. “Kili named her long ago. _Niamh_ is the wife of _Sláine_ , who happens to star in Kili’s favorite comics.” He looked over at Kili for confirmation and the Irishman grinned his approval. “The name means “bright” or radient. She was the daughter of the sea god, _Manannán mac Lir._

“Ne-ath, Slahn-yeh and Man-a-non mac Leer,” Fili repeated. “I can see I need to take some Gaelic lessons.” Kili winked at him promising him all the lessons he could handle.

“Don’t forget céilís,” Kili said cheerfully.

“Oh yeah, how could I forget the kay-lee that I’m about to be in the middle of.” Fili was shaking his head. “Couldn’t you bloody Irish pronounce anything the way it’s spelled?”

“Aw, that would take all the fun out of it,” Kili shot back.

Ignoring him, the Kiwi stopped to inspect the Scottsman’s instrument. The drum in Dwalin’s hands was beautifully made. Fili marveled at the hand painted Book of Kells knotwork on the bodhrán. “You have a beautiful instrument as well.”

“Aye, it’ll do,” he affirmed. He didn’t mention the hours he’d spent carefully drawing and then coloring the horse design. Smiling at Fili, he went over to help Ori set up his keyboard.

Kili took his violin out and polished it a bit. He had only played once since his injury and it needed tuning. Fili stood next to him admiring the instrument. It was a rich dark honey with the grain of the wood shining through. Delicate gold and black scrolls of knotwork decorated the top and bottom arches of the front piece. It was the most gorgeous instrument the Kiwi had ever seen and he had thought Thorin’s harp was incredible.

Kili saw him looking and smiled. “Thorin bought it for me for my seventeenth birthday and Mum did the knotwork. And to think I used to hate it that she made me take lessons.”

The Kiwi laughed. “Yeah, I ducked out every chance I got. I was taking clarinet just because my cousin did and I inherited his first instrument. I didn’t like playing until I tried guitar.”

The Irishman had finished tuning his fiddle and was teasing a few notes of his own devising out of it as he found the best position in his chair. The look Fili had given him when he took it out of the case made him wish he’d brought it home sooner. At one dark point in his life he thought that he would never play again. Thank God those days were behind him. This was his first serious time playing since he got out of hospital, but he felt ready for it. He drew the bow across the strings, letting the notes float above the noise in the room. The sound was as sweet as it was beautiful. Kili loved his violin and, though he’d resisted naming it, he knew he’d never have another. She was his one true, albeit instrumental, love.

Before the barbeque Dori had changed into jeans and T-shirt that read, “Fear the Accordion Player.” This made no sense to Fili until he saw him lug in a large black case and produce a beautiful red piano accordion. The Kiwi had never thought of the accordion as used for anything except to torture small children during music lessons and for playing polkas. He watched as Dori unleashed a bit of Irish reel followed by a few bars of “Zydeco Two Step” and grinned. This was going to be an amazing and informative evening.

Bilbo had been absent from the instrument unpacking, but soon arrived with beer for everyone. Apparently céilís were a thirsty business. No sooner had the beer settled carefully on coasters than Kili drew his bow across the strings, nodded to Thorin, and launched into ”[Drowsy Maggie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKmUtDeX-AU).”

He played alone, filling the room with sound. The piece was lively, but somehow the song, played solo in a room full of musicians was lacking. Fili didn’t know what was missing, but he saw a shimmer in Kili’s eyes and knew it had something to do with his mother. There was no way for Fili to know that this was the song that Dis had always accompanied him on with her flute. The two instruments complimented one another, their silver notes ringing to the rafters in the high ceiling. This was Kili’s tribute to his mother. For the first time in his life he played a céilí without her, only Fili’s presence keeping him going.

Everyone was silent when the song ended, Kili’s eyes bright with unshed tears. Thorin lifted the great harp and ran his fingers over her strings in a melodic sweep and then played Turlough O'Carolan’s hauntingly beautiful "[Sheebeg Sheemore](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYDYw0KGZ00)." 

Kili listened with his head bowed, but at the end looked up and smiled at Thorin. He could go on. They both could. They would get through this together.

Taking his cue from Thorin, Dwalin lifted his bodhrán and tapped out a sprightly rhythm. Dori’s accordion stepped forward, curtsied, and whirled into the lively “[St. Ann’s Reel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4hWRzp9L-c)”. Thorin’s harp joined, adding her silver notes. Fili picked up his guitar, but he was lost. He sort of knew the tune, but had no hope of keeping up with the rest of the group. He just picked up the beat and strummed along, not adding anything, but not detracting either. Softer, then joining in full voice was a bagpipe. Fili looked around quizzically and found Ori playing it on his keyboard. Kili saw him looking around and laughed. The smiles were back. Dis wasn’t dead and, in spirit, they all felt her with them.

When the tune finished there was a moment of silence. Slowly Ori started playing, his keyboard mimicking Highland pipes. The first few breathy notes swelled to “[Scotland the Brave](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8Xj-XFI-FM)” for Dwalin, who tapped out the rhythm to his unofficial national anthem.

Dori, sensing that it was time to livening things up again, launched a medley of “[Lorana’s Reel/The Banshee](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8SR6_Jf9g)”  Everyone stopped to listen to him, Kili clapped along and hooted his approval, scaring Fili and making him laugh so hard he had to stop to cough. Apparently yelling every so often was a form of applause in Ireland. Dori was grinning approval as Dwalin yelled out as well. The Irish were indeed a rowdy bunch even if half of the “Irishmen” here were from England, Scotland and points east.

They played tune after tune, slipping easily from a reel to a jig and then back again. During the first bathroom break Fili asked Kili the difference between a reel and a jig.

Kili laughed. “It’s easy if you remember that with a reel you can say ‘rutabaga’ along with it and with a jig you can say ‘strawberry’.”

The expression on his face showed that Fili thought he was being teased, so Kili lifted his violin and played a few bars of "[Lorana's Reel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8SR6_Jf9g)" and then the familiar jig “[Irish Washer Woman](http://youtu.be/5PZFkro3ams?t=9s).” Fili was amazed to find he really could tell which was which using his boyfriend’s method.

He left Fili talking with Ori about hornpipes and wheeled himself to the loo. When he came out he ran into Thorin, who motioned him to come into the kitchen.

His voice was husky and his eyes soft as he took a chair to be eye level with his nephew. “How are you doing?

Kili shrugged. “It doesn’t feel right without her.”

“I know,” Thorin replied, nodding and looking down at his boots. “It’s like a piece is missing.”

The silence hung heavy for a long moment. “I know it’s not my fault, but I wish I could go back and do it over. Say something different…anything different…”

“So do I. I keep feeling like I should have known.” A strand of hair had escaped from his low ponytail and he tried to comb it back in with his fingers, only to fail. He let it hang loose in front of his ear in a long lazy curl. It made him look softer than he usually did. Gone was the boss and entrepreneur; in his place was the guy who was Kili’s uncle and friend.

Kili reached out and clasped Thorin’s wrist in his hand. “You can’t blame yourself. It wasn’t you who did it. It was me.”

His uncle shook his head. “No. It was me. It was years of me. You wouldn’t have liked me very much back then. I was all about ‘be out and proud’, as they say, and screw anyone or anything that got in my way.”

He dug his fingers into his eyes and heaved a sigh. “Today you can just be gay, but back then it was a battle. No, it was a war. It was Us against Them and sometimes it was life and death. Wars don’t give you much time to think about the collateral damage.

“So I fucked up big time and your mother paid the price.” He looked at Kili and heaved another sigh. “Father Grey understands more than I would have thought he would about all of this. I hope he can help your mother to understand it as well.”

Kili’s brows furrowed, shading his eyes to black. “We’ll make her understand. We’re a family and we all belong together. I just don’t understand what difference it makes who you sleep with.”

Thorin smiled wryly. “The old Church condemned it and since your mum would walk into hell itself to keep you safe, it worries her. Pope Francis hopefully will usher in a kinder, less prejudiced view. Father Grey said he’s going to talk to her about allowing the Church to make all your decisions and override what you believe is right for your own child.”

“Yeah, maybe that will help,” Kili said softly. “I want her to get to know Fili and maybe to like him a little.”

He drew in a shaky breath. “I love him so much, Thorin, and I want us to be able to be a family.”

His uncle drew him in for a hug. “We’ll get there, Kili. I know we will.”

 

* * * *

 

After Kili got back from his loo run, Fili went over to Ori and peered down at his keyboard. “Can you really play bagpipes on that keyboard?”

Ori tapped out a few notes. “You can even get bagpipe apps for your phone.” He frowned a little. “This doesn’t sound as good as the real thing, but I think Dwalin would kill me if I decided to learn them.”

“Damn right I would!” came echoing across the room. “He gets bloody obsessed and I’d be waking up to them at 6am just in time to get evicted.”

Kili threw back his head and laughed so hard he dropped his beer, sending Fili scrambling to retrieve it. Fortunately it was empty so no damage was done. The Kiwi just sat on the floor looking up at his boyfriend, drinking in every detail. They were both slightly drunk and it felt great to just be himself and in love and here with such wonderful people.

It was time to get back to the serious business of making music. Ori nodded to Dwalin, who lifted his bodhrán and rattled out a lively beat. Ori launched into “[Brian Boru’s March](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9h2Qmx2zp4E)” and the two of them held the floor. The Englishman effortlessly switched between bagpipes and flute, his fingers flying over the keyboard.

When he was finished Fili applauded. “That was brilliant. I’m learning something new every day here.”

They all laughed, then Thorin asked, “What’s something that you know?”

Fili stood up and took his seat. “How about “Johnson’s Motor Car?” That’s pretty funny.”

There was dead silence and he suddenly felt as if he’d farted in church. He looked at Kili who was just about to explain when Thorin spoke up.

“We don’t sing songs of the rebellion, Fili. We’ve had too much pain from it.” His voice was gentle, but his manner brooked no argument.

Embarrassed, the Kiwi muttered, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

Kili looked at Thorin. “He has a fair collection of The Clancy Brothers, so we might need to steer him a bit.”

Thorin nodded. “They are an Irish treasure, make no mistake about that, but we don’t hold with all of the songs they chose to record.” His features gentled and he added. “Good on ya for loving their music, but do you know anything of theirs that is a bit less…feisty?”

Put on the spot, Fili drew a blank.

Kili nudged him. “[Brennan on the Moor](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkxuWte_iKg).”

Fili grinned as he came unstuck and began to pick out the first few notes. Kili nudged him again and reluctantly, he began to sing. He had a pleasant tenor that went well with the song and in a moment the others joined in and sang of Brennan’s exploits.

From Brennan, Fili and the lads went on down to Australia for “[Wild Colonial Boy](http://youtu.be/bgbxh8Lsgx4?t=5s)” and then to the local pub for “Beer Beer Beer,” raising the energy in the room until it fairly bounced off the rafters. They stopped to raise their glasses in a toast to the man who invented beer and then started off again.

Bilbo came out from the kitchen just as Dori launched into a spritely version of “Stone in the Field.” The tune would make the dead want to dance and Bilbo was far from dead. He grinned and did a few moments of step dancing to the amusement of all. He kicked out straight and high, his honey-gold curls bouncing in rhythm. Yips and hoots encouraged him and he danced around Thorin who was laughing so hard he was having trouble playing. When the Englishman tired, he pulled two spoons out of his pocket and using Thorin’s broad shoulders as a sounding board, he rattled happily along with the music.

After another break for a beer, Thorin looked at Bilbo and smiled. Bilbo shook his head, setting his curls dancing. But the larger man was not to be denied. He didn’t have to say a word; those big blue eyes did all the work for him.

Bilbo looked at Thorin and then started to sing, Thorin’s harp providing delicate backup. His clear tenor poured over them as he sang of [Barbara Allen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5D4NRcNrJiU) and her doomed lover. It was beautiful but so sad. Fili didn’t understand why he chose it and why Thorin wanted him to sing it until the last two verses.

 _They buried her in the old churchyard_  
They buried him in the choir  
And from his grave grew a red red rose  
From her grave a green briar

 _They grew and grew to the steeple top_  
Till they could grow no higher  
And there they twined in a true love's knot  
Red rose around green briar

He looked over at Thorin and realized that Thorin considered himself the briar and Bilbo the rose.

Bilbo finished to a round of applause and went to stand by Thorin and slip his arm around Thorin’s neck. It was matched by the one that gently encircled the smaller man’s waist. Thorin was no briar and Bilbo probably no rose, but it was undeniable that they grew together in a “true love’s knot.”

While everyone was washing the dust from their mouth with yet another brew, Fili worked up his nerve and picked out the notes for “[Black is the Color of My True Love’s Hair](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o2zsOympu4).” He needed no accompaniment. They sat there in silence, listening to the soft notes and smiling at the way the blond sang to his black-haired love.

 _Black is the color of my true love's hair,_  
His lips are like some roses fair,  
He has the sweetest smile,  
And the gentlest hands,  
I love the ground whereon he stands.

 _I love my love and well he knows,_  
I love the ground whereon he goes,  
I wish the day, it soon would come,  
When he  & I could be as one.

Fili sang only the first two verses because he couldn’t remember any more. “Sorry,” he apologized, “but that much says it all anyway.”

Bilbo smiled at him. “Indeed it does.”

Fili smiled back. He was so happy he could burst. Kili was blushing and holding his hand and he felt like one of the gang. He gave his boyfriend’s hand a squeeze, then picked up his beer and let it slide down his throat, moistening the dryness. He hadn’t realized how nervous he’d been.

“Good job,” Dwalin said, raising his beer. “A toast to the newest member of our ceili.”

Thorin raised his next and proclaimed, _“Faol saol agat, gob fliuch, agus bás in Éirinn.”_

Fili turned to Kili hoping for a translation. Laughing, the Irishman filled in, “Long life to you, a wet mouth, and death in Ireland.”

Fili raised his glass. “Sweet! Now that’s a toast I’ll drink to.” He took a sip and raised his bottle. _“Kia ora!”_

“What’s that mean?” Ori asked.

The Kiwi laughed. “It’s Maori and I love it because it means ‘cheers’ but also ‘good day,’ ‘good evening,’ ‘good morning,’ ‘hello,’ ‘thank you,’ and about a dozen other things. It’s the best all-purpose phrase ever.”

Ori, the linguist, laughed and said, “It’s perfect. Why use a whole dictionary when two words can say it all? And I love the way you replace your ‘e’s with i’s.” He raised his beer. “A toast to adorable accents.”

Kili winked at him. “Scottish being the most adorable of all.”

Ori blushed and looked at Dwalin who was laughing and blushing a little himself. “I dunno, th’a high-tone poncy Brits do it fer me. Right, Thorin?” He looked at his cousin who was trying to hide behind his harp.

Fili looked at his boyfriend and smiled shyly. “I like Irish best of all. I could listen to you for the rest of my life.”

Kili’s eyes widened.

Dwalin, ever the instigator, raised an eyebrow. “Laddie, was that a proposal I just heard?”

Fili never took his eyes off of his love. His face was flaming but his heart was burning brighter. Never had anything felt more right. He slid off his chair and knelt in front of Kili.

“If you’ll have me, I’d love to spend the rest of my life with you, listening to your beautiful accent. This is all kinda sudden and I don’t have a ring or anything, but I love you and don’t ever want to be with anyone else.”

Kili looked at the blond and felt his vision start to mist. His voice was a little shaky and he felt that he’d been catapulted into a dream. “I can’t imagine being with anyone else either. If you’re sure you want this crazy Irishman, I’d love to spend the rest of my life with you.”

He reached down and practically dragged Fili into his lap for a shaky kiss. The two of them didn’t even hear the cheer that went up around them.

Bilbo didn’t need a hint. Within moments he’d hauled out the glasses and the bottle of Thorin’s “special occasion” Glenlivet and was passing them around. There was only one way to seal a proposal and that was with forty-year-old single malt scotch.

By the time Bilbo got to Fili and Kili they had managed to stop crying and kissing. They were a beautiful mess and he was a bit misty himself as he handed them the small glasses of amber liquor.

“If you two can stop snogging long enough I’d like to propose a toast.” His voice was cheeky, but the look on his face was so full of love that it made Kili tear up again.

“No more of that. No tears on such a happy occasion.”

Bilbo lifted his glass to them. “May you always live in the springtime of your love and be as happy as you are this moment.”

“And may you always be surrounded by family and friends,” added Dwalin.

They all raised their glasses high and then drained them. Bilbo was about to refill when Thorin deftly intercepted him and replaced the Glenlivet with a bottle that was a bit less aged. After a few glasses no one would know if it was brewed yesterday or in the last century.

Fili didn’t care. He’d finally dredged up something appropriate and was very pleased with himself. He faced Kili and lifted his glass.

 _"Wine comes in at the mouth,_  
And love comes in at the eye;  
That's all that we will know for truth,  
Before we grow old and die.  
I lift the glass to my mouth,  
I look at you and sigh."

Kili reached out and pulled him in for another kiss, savoring the flavor of his lips mixed with the smoky peat of the scotch.

Dori looked at them both with astonishment. “My God, he quotes Yeats. What a son-in-law he’ll make!”

He looked over at Thorin who was grinning from ear to ear. It was so rare that Thorin looked this happy that it was a momentous occasion indeed.

Ever the cheerful host, Bilbo made another round with the glasses and more toasts were raised. They became increasingly more and more colorful to the delight of both Fili and Kili. The ceili was rapidly becoming the most memorable engagement party ever.

The toasts ended when Dwalin stood, solemnly faced the lads, and proclaimed loudly:

“Work like you don’t need the money.  
Love like you’ve never been hurt.  
Dance like no-one is watching.  
Fuck like it’s being filmed.  
And drink like a true Irishman.”

Thorin looked at him pointedly and smiled somewhat tightly. “Well, thank you for that memorable toast, cousin. I think it will be a while before any of us forget it.”

Dwalin muttered, “Tight arse,” to the delight of both Fili and Kili.

Dori rolled his eyes, spread his accordion, and rolled into “[Black Velvet Band](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gii7DLQH-po).”

Fili knew this one and picked up his guitar to join in. Smiling at his love, he made up his own version.

 _“His eyes they shone like the diamonds,_  
_You'd think he was king of the land._  
_And his hair hung over his shoulder,_  
_Tied up with a black velvet band.”_

Blushing a little, Kili swung in with his fiddle, his dark eyes sparkling, his smile as wide as it could be and still have his chin hold his violin in place.

Laughing Dwalin, tapped out a sprightly rythm and launched into "[Beer, Beer, Beer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXtNeGx-7VQ)." The rest joined in on the chorus, laughing and singing happily, if a little off-key. It was a fine song to wind down the ceili as exhaustion, mixed with scotch and beer, finally got the better of the men.

Bilbo was a little better than the rest of them as he made the announcement that there were accommodations for all, but that someone would have to flip for the sofa bed.

Dori looked up, blinked, and announced, “I’m not moving. I can’t. I’m petrified. Turned to stone. Turn out the lights when you leave and don’t wake me up too early.” He took a breath and appeared to have to search for the words he wanted. “I’m a mean drunk.”

He sat there cherub-faced; smiling happily with his own proclamation of ferocity while everyone laughed and exited the room.

Kili was able to navigate on his own to the downstairs guest room. He had started for the loo when Bilbo magically appeared with a urinal in his hand. Kili stopped and had to think that over. Only his Uncle Bilbo could conjure a urinal while three sheets to the wind himself and then apparently teleport in front of Kili holding it out.

“Go in here and dump it. I am not up to picking your sorry arse off the floor tonight.”

Kili’s lower lip came out and he looked like an overgrown seven year old. “Not gonna fall off the loo.”

Bilbo snorted. “The only think keeping you upright is that you are too drunk to know how drunk you are.”

Fili had figured out how to walk and came over. “He’s…uh…right. If you fall I won’t be able to pick you up and I’ll have to lay on the floor with you.” His big blue eyes got even bigger and bluer, if possible. “You wouldn’t do that to your…fiancé, would you? Make me sleep in the loo…on the floor, that is.”

Kili gave them both a dark look, his thick brows pulling down as far as possible. He set the urinal in his lap, stiffly wheeled himself into the restroom, and shut the door.

Fili and Bilbo waited just in case, but presently the only sound was water running as he washed his hands. Heaving a sigh of relief that he wasn’t going to have to mop at 3am, Bilbo slipped out the door into his own bed. He knew Thorin would be asleep and snoring, but then he always snored when he was drunk. That was why God made earplugs and why a pair rested in the drawer of Bilbo’s nightstand.

Kili came out, still wearing the frown. Fili gave him a kiss on the forehead and slipped past him, with more stagger than grace in his gait. When he came back out he found the Irishman sitting disconsolately by the side of the bed.

“Help me get in, will ya? I’m fucking paralyzed.”

Fili’s dismay caused the frown to dissolve into giggles. “I’m too drunk to lift myself. Bilbo was right about the loo, but if you ever tell him I said so—you’re cut off.”

The Kiwi’s balance was, if anything, worse than Kili’s and they ended up in a heap on the bed, giggling madly. Only Dori’s pained, “Shut the fuck up!” from the living room got them to settle down.

Clothes came off haphazardly with Fili giving up completely on getting either his or Kili’s socks off. Fuck it, the shoes were good enough. The Irishman was complaining about being too hot so Fili wrestled with his T-shirt, eventually getting it over his head, but snagged on one arm—where it would remain until morning. He managed to get his own pants off but not the T-shirt. The fact that he kept trying to pull it off by one sleeve was probably the reason, but Kili couldn’t figure out how to tell him of his error, so he just grabbed him and hauled him down for a long sloppy kiss.

“Think we should celebrate our engagement?” Fili asked, sliding his hand down Kili’s hard muscled chest.

“Unfph,” was the response as one of the Kiwi’s mustache braids slid into Kili’s mouth. He spat it out and giggled. “I couldn’t come if you called me to the phone. Too fucking drunk to fuck.” That was so hilarious that he couldn’t stop laughing, prompting another anguished shout from Dori.

 

 

Fili rested his head on Kili’s chest. “I love you so much, but we are gonna die in the morning.”

“Yeah, but we’re gonna die engaged.” Kili burped and then giggled again.

The blond cuddled against Kili, pulling him close and murmured, “I hope we’re still engaged in the morning.”

“Me too,” Kili whispered as he fell asleep in his fiancé’s arms.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the morning after the ceili. And don't talk so bloody loud...
> 
>  
> 
> My thanks to Ceallaig for beta reading and making suggestions that always make my work better.
> 
> Pabu I miss you, but I'm looking forward to seeing that you do in the future. After all you signed on for a story -- not a novel. :)

The light streaming in made Kili pull the sheet up over his head. It wasn’t thick enough to block the light and he groaned as he fumbled around with his eyes scrunched shut, hunting for the blanket.

His movements woke Fili, whose groaned matched the brunet’s for pain. He rolled over and buried his face against Kili’s shoulder. “Turn the fucking sun off, will ya?”

The only response was a snore and a fart that drove the blond out from under the sheet. He lay there with a stupid grin on his face, headache or not. He was actually engaged to the snoring, farting man lying next to him. He might feel like death warmed over but he was happier than he could ever remember being.

He rolled over and waved the sheet to dissipate the stench. Then he burrowed down into Kili’s hair, nuzzling and nibbling at his neck. He was whispering sweet nothings into the brunet’s ear when Kili turned over and fixed him with a glare. “You don’t have to shout.”

“I was whispering,” Fili whispered. “See?”

“I call that shouting. Now shut up and leave me here to die.” The sheet was abruptly pulled back up over Kili’s head. Apparently the Irishman wasn’t at all romantic when he was hung-over.

Feeling a little slighted, Fili got up and slid his jeans and t-shirt back on and then headed for the loo. From there he went into the kitchen and found a remarkably cheerful Bilbo cooking breakfast. It smelled both amazing and disgusting as both sides of the Kiwi’s brain went to war on the subject.

The smaller man noticed him and handed him a sports drink. “Chug this.”

It was the same blue as Thorin’s eyes. Rather startling in a drink, actually. “All of it?”

“To the last drop and then get another one out of the fridge and drink that, too. You have a headache because you’re dehydrated,” Bilbo informed him between flipping pancakes. “When you’re done take one in to my nephew and tell him he can’t have his chair back until he drinks it.”

Fili looked at him over the top of the bottle. “You’ve been here before, I take it.”

Bilbo heaved a sigh. “Too many times. Young people always think they are indestructible; too bad their bodies never get the memo. He’ll whine about it, but he’ll drink it. He likes the grape the best.”

Fili did as he was told and sloshed his way back to the spare room. As predicted, Kili wanted no part of the drink, but the proposed threat worked. He sullenly drank and then shoved the bottle back into the blond’s hand. “Happy now?”

“I would be if my fiancé would stop pouting like a five-year-old.”

Kili blinked and then smiled. “Oh yeah…wow…we’re engaged. I didn’t dream it.”

“Nope. Or if you did, then I had the same dream.” He wagged an eyebrow suggestively. “Wanna make it come true?”

The brunette pulled himself into a sitting position, propped against the head of the bed. He slid his arms around Fili and leaned forward into his embrace. “I do.”

“You should probably save that for the service,” Fili teased. “But I like hearing it.”

The kiss was sweet even if their breath was not. It didn’t matter to either of them. They were both feeling giddy about last night and the future. It was going to be a wonderful day…once their headaches went away.

They lay there tangled together, neither of them saying what they were thinking. Finally Kili cleared his throat, wincing at how dry it was.

“What do you think about this whole engaged thing? Really?”

Fili looked up at the ceiling. “I think I was drunk and got carried away.” He felt Kili tense and rolled over. “But I meant every word. It’s too soon and there was booze involved, but I love you so much. I can’t imagine ever being with anyone else.”

“Yeah, that’s kinda how I feel,” came the whispered reply. “I’m a little scared, but at the same time it feels sorta right. You’re my first relationship and I don’t want to fuck it up and hurt you.”

Fili shrugged. “I’ll survive.”

Long strong arms slid around him, squeezing him tight. “I don’t want you to survive. I don’t want it to come to that. I want to make this work, but I’m scared. My head hurts too much to think and be able to say what I’m feeling.”

“Yeah, mine too. We don’t have to make any decisions right now, though. I mean if we just said we were drunk, everyone would understand.” Fili was as nervous about it as the brunet. He loved him so much, but this was all moving so fast.

A tiny sigh that was nearly a whimper stopped Fili’s heart. He looked into huge dark eyes that were rapidly filling with tears. “Please don’t cry. I love you with all my heart and I meant it. I do want you to be my husband. I just don’t want to rush you.”

Kili’s breath hitched and he sniffed hard, pulling the tears back. “Maybe…maybe we could sort of be engaged to be engaged.”

“I like that!” Fili exclaimed, kissing him on the tip of his nose. “You’re a genius.”

“I’m a genius with a hangover,” Kili replied pitifully. “Please don’t yell.”

“Ah, I’m sorry.” The Kiwi scooped him into his arms and buried his face into the crook of Kili’s neck.

“I love you, almost-fiancé.” This time he whispered and smiled as Kili’s arms tightened around him.

“I love you, too.”

They came out to breakfast more or less in one piece. Fili’s hair was longer now and he wasn’t used to the tangles that came with it. He pushed it out of his face, wincing as his finger caught on a rat. Kili smiled at him and took another bottle of sports drink from the fridge.

“We have to get you a scrunchie,” he teased.

The Kiwi slid into a chair and helped himself to some of the pancakes sitting in front of him. “Oh that’s something I’ve always wanted someone to say to me.”

Kili stuck out his tongue and Bilbo laughed. “You can try braiding it, that works for Thorin. I can do a braid that will work with your length and teach Shaggy here how to do it. He’d never let me braid him.”

“Damn straight I wouldn’t. How would it look for someone as butch as me to run around with a braid in my hair?” He tried to stick out his chest, but ended up laughing too hard to hold the pose.

“Would you people _please_ stop making so much fucking noise?” It was Dori standing at the door, a pained look on his face. He was wearing his T-shirt backwards. No one volunteered to tell him.

Kili fished a bottle out of the fridge and spun over to him to offer it. “Suck it up and suck it down. It’ll help the hangover, but I doubt that anything is gonna help that attitude.”

Dori regarded him, squinting against the light. “Would I be a terrible guest if I killed this one now?”

“Not at all,” Bilbo replied cheerfully. “I’ve considered it many times myself. Just don’t make too big a mess and do stay on the tile.”

Kili hurriedly wheeled over to the other side of Fili. “Well, it’s nice to know what you think of me, ‘Uncle’ Bilbo.”

The innocent ‘who me?’ expression topped by big brown eyes and honey-dark curls was enough to make Fili start giggling.

Kili elbowed him. “He approves of killing your fiancé and you think it’s funny. I’m not sure I want to be a part of this family any more.”

“Sure you do,” came the deep voice from behind him. “We just have to remind you of your place every now and again.” Thorin patted Kili on the shoulder and went to get his own bottle of sports drink from the fridge.

“Great, now it’s two uncles against me. See what I have to put up with?” he said to a sleepy and slightly less hung-over Ori who had just wandered in.

“Are you threatening to kill people again, Dori?” Ori looked at his older brother disapprovingly.

“Only a little. You should have heard them last night, carrying on like a couple of banshees,” he said in his defense.

“I did hear them.” Ori replied sadly. “The whole world heard them. Right now the only sound I want to hear is tea being poured into a cup and a Paracetamol bottle being opened.”

Bilbo laughed and provided both, along with a sports drink. He handed a second one to both Dori and Thorin, and then turned to look at a far-too-fit Dwalin as he came in from the porch.

“What are you buggers lookin’ at? It’s na’my fault if you all got hammered and can’t hold yer booze.” He came over and lifted a strip of streaky bacon off the platter before Bilbo could set it down. That earned him a glare from Kili who thought all streaky bacon in the world had his name tattooed on it.

He pulled out a chair and started shoveling pancakes and eggs onto a plate. “So when do we start plannin’ the wedding?”

Kili blushed and Fili looked at Thorin and then said, “I think it will be a while. We don’t want to rush into anything, ya know.”

Thorin gave Dwalin a hard look and then turned back to the two young men. “We were all drunk last night. It’s far too soon for you two to even think about getting married.” His voice was stern and Fili could feel himself wanting to hide under the table.

He looked at Thorin and then at Kili and took a breath. “I was drunk when I said it, but I meant it…every word.” He dragged his hand though his hair. “Kili suggested that we be engaged to be engaged and I kind of like that idea.”

Thorin’s stern look eased into a gentle smile. “So do I. That makes more sense. Still, it was worth it to hear Dwalin’s toast.”

Everyone laughed, even Dwalin, who thought his toast had been awesome.

“Anyway, congratulations on your pre-engagement,” Bilbo said, nudging Thorin and winking. “We all know you can’t be officially engaged until you’ve picked out a china pattern.”

Kili nearly choked on his tea and everyone burst out laughing. Tensions and a few headaches were eased as the Paracetamol bottle was passed around.

After everyone had eaten and the headaches had backed off to a mild hammering, Dwalin leaned on one arm and looked over at Kili. “Seriously, when are ya movin’ in? I have next Saturday off and I can borrow a lorry from one of my mates.”

“As far as I know we have nothing planned for Saturday.” Thorin looked over a Bilbo who shook his head. “We could make a go of it and get a start on making an honest man of you.”

Fili blushed. “It’s really nice of you to offer, but we can hire movers.”

Ori grinned at him. “No, no, that won’t do at all. I get out of class early on Wednesday and can help you sort things and pack. What we don’t get moved on Saturday we can finish up during the week. It’ll be fun, you’ll see.”

Kili groaned into his tea. “Why is it that whenever anyone says ‘it’ll be fun’ it’s anything but?”

“Yeah, but you have us to help and we’re family,” Dwalin countered.

“That,” Kili said succinctly, “is what worries me.”

 

* * * *

 

Fili hated to leave, but he knew that Thorin and Bilbo were more than ready to see the back of them. They all stood around in the drive sharing hugs and saying goodbye as if they would never see each other again. When it started to get maudlin, Dwalin strapped Ori’s keyboard to the back of the Chief and threw it into gear. When he pulled up next to Ori, conversation was impossible. He handed his boyfriend a helmet, staying safely anonymous under his. Ori smiled apologetically, put the helmet on, and hopped aboard. They watched the two of them ride off into, well if not the sunset, at least the street.

“We’ll have to do this again soon,” Kili suggested cheerfully.

Dori’s brows furrowed. “I don’t think my liver is up to it. Maybe in a month or so, if I live clean and behave myself.”

Everyone laughed and final goodbyes were said.

Thorin followed Kili to the car. “Call me after you talk to Father Grey.”

He looked so concerned that Kili was serious for once. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll call. Thanks for everything and I don’t just mean the party.”

The big Irishman squeezed his shoulder and nodded. “Any time.”

The ride home was quiet with the two of them holding hands most of the way when traffic would allow. It was good to be going home. The word had never sounded so sweet to either of them. They had left it as boyfriends, but were returning as fiancés. In less than twenty four hours their whole world had changed. It was scary, it was wonderful, the mix of emotions leaving them both speechless.

Fili held the door for Kili, feeling that somehow, it was more significant now. It wasn’t just a return—it was a welcome, an invitation that would never be revoked.

He carried their instruments in and set them down. Turning to Kili he said, “I feel like I should carry you across the threshold.”

An eyebrow quirked. “With or without the chair?”

Fili giggled and they both burst out laughing. “I think that is supposed to wait until after we are married, but I like the sound of it,” Kili said.

“Mmm, so do I.” Fili leaned over and kissed him slowly and thoroughly. “How is your head?”

The Irishman was puzzled. “Fine. Why?”

Fili kissed him again. “Well, we have the rest of the afternoon and evening and we have a pre-engagement to celebrate…”

He didn’t get to finish his sentence before Kili was headed for the loo. Chuckling to himself, the Kiwi followed.

It was funny how, although they didn’t mind being in the bathroom at the same time, intimate washing up was something both wanted to do privately. Fili mused about it while he sat on the edge of he bed and waited for Kili.

It still boggled his mind that he had an actual honest-to-god fiancé…well…an almost fiancé. He had dropped down on one knee and proposed in front of everyone. He was pretty drunk at the time, but not that drunk. A lot of the evening was fuzzy, but not the proposal. It was if his brain had turned into a camcorder and preserved it in detail. He remembered his words and, better yet, he remembered the look on Kili’s face when he asked and when the Irishman accepted.

The blond couldn’t seem to wipe the silly grin off his face. He was stupidly happy, something he would have bet money he never would be again. He had never been in love like this. He didn’t know he _could_ be in love like this. It was all so amazing that his brain still wasn’t processing it. That he had met Kili and that the Irishman returned his feelings was almost too good to believe. Fili knew that he was going to be waiting for this to be a dream, but something inside kept whispering that it was real and that he just needed to relax and enjoy it.

When Kili came out, bare-chested and grinning, Fili gave him a quick kiss and went in himself. The Irishman went into the bedroom and was humming tunelessly as he positioned the chair and lifted himself onto the bed. He made short work of his pants, shoes and socks. Giggling, he experimented with seductive poses to greet Fili when he came back. Finally he decided that he really didn’t want to start the session with Fili pointing and laughing, so he settled for laying back propped up by pillows with the sheet artfully draped across his lower body. He was aware that he looked pretty good without a shirt, so he just waited patiently to be appreciated.

Fili came out of the loo, crossed the hall, and stopped dead, his dirty T-shirt held in nerveless fingers. Never had he wanted to paint anyone so badly. Fili was looking at him, eyes smoky-dark, hair tumbled over the pillow, rangy body golden against white sheets. His features were so even and beautiful that he looked almost feminine, an illusion quickly shattered by the spread of dark chest hair that spread from neck on down, curled delicately around dusky-mauve nipples and descended a flat belly to flare around his navel before vanishing beneath the sheet.

“Fuck me…” Fili whispered in awe, letting the shirt fall forgotten to the floor.

Kili licked his lips. “That’s the idea.”

The blond moved the wheelchair and just stood looking at Kili. “You are gorgeous.”

“I’m also lonely,” he purred in reply, shifting a little and pulling the sheet down a bit as he did.

Fili felt his blood pressure rise. Damn, too many clothes. He started haul his pants down, but Kili stopped him.

“Slowly,” he whispered. “I want to watch.”

The look on his face was a heady mix of love and lust. Honey-dark eyes swept the blond’s body and then moved back to meet his eyes. “I want to see what I’m getting.”

Fili could feel a blush sting his ears and he felt a little foolish, but the expression on his Kili’s face told him that this wasn’t a game. He was desired utterly by this gorgeous man who he loved more than life itself. He licked his lips and Kili’s eyes darkened further.

Slowly he slid first his jeans down, doing a dance to get them over his feet without tipping, or looking like too much of an idiot. Fortunately, he’d removed his shoes when they came in, so he only had his own big feet to contend with. He looked up, feeling foolish, but saw that his balancing act hadn’t spoiled the moment. If anything the look of lust was tempered by a tiny smile that crinkled the corners of Kili’s eyes, making him look even sexier.

The Irishman beckoned and Fili moved to the edge of the bed. Extending his hand to Fili he ran his fingers down the Kiwi’s chest to stop at the waistband of his briefs.

“You are so hot,” Kili whispered, running his fingers across the band and over the bulge beneath.

“Since when are tighty whities hot?” He was getting so turned on he could hardly stand it.

“Since you wear them,” Kili teased, tracing the shaft with one finger. The Irishman leaned over and very slowly pulled them down a centimeter at a time.

Fili felt that things were happening in slow motion. He watched Kili’s face as he continued to remove the Kiwi’s briefs. Kili was focused intently on what was being revealed, his eyes glued to Fili’s abdomen and lower. Amber eyes bled to black as his lust rose, his breathing alternately paused and came in tiny erotic gasps.

When he finally unveiled him, pulling the band carefully out so that Fili’s erection sprang upward, he gave a tiny moan that trailed into a sob. He pulled the briefs down in one motion and let them drop. He then allowed his fingers to finally side up and encircle and hold. Unconsciously, the blond pushed forward into the firm grip, his own breath as unsteady as his legs.

Fili felt as if he were in a dream, touch and colors and sounds magnified as he brain fought to take in all the sensory stimulation. He reached down and slid the sheet off of Kili, revealing all of the Irishman’s beautiful body. He no longer saw scars, his mind having long adapted to them and discounted any imperfections. All he saw was beauty and he wanted that loveliness so much that he was trembling.

“I want you so badly,” Kili whispered. He gripped his own erection and stroked it, looking into Fili’s eyes with invitation. “I need you now…”

“God yes,” the Kiwi’s response was a growl, low and hot. Fili knelt on the bed and positioned himself carefully over the brunet, fitting one leg between Kili’s. He lowered himself until he was slotted against him, cocks matching, his hand encircling them both to squeeze and stroke.

He bent to kiss the Irishman and found himself pulled down into a hungry kiss that devoured him. Tongues and teeth clashed, breath was mixed with groans and soft curses as the two men arched together, seeking pleasure and completion. They were nearly feral in their lust, holding and kissing and nipping, sharp teeth pinching and hot tongues licking away the sting.

Kili could not control his hips and legs, but he had strong arms and hands. He never stopped moving them, holding and touching, pulling and teasing. Fili groaned as long fingers fitted themselves to the curve of his rump and pulled. They fit together so perfectly, they could not tell where one heart beat stopped and the other began or whose breath they were breathing in. It was hot and passionate and made them dizzy with lust, but the important thing was the love. So much love.

Fili came first, his shout of completion muffled by Kili’s mouth as he kissed him firmly. Strong hands turned gentle as they urged him through the aftershocks. Then it was the Irishman’s turn and Fili gave him the depth of sensation he needed to trigger his injured nerves into action. The brunet arched up and back, his chest lifting Fili clear of the bed as he cried out his pleasure.

When it was over they lay gasping, messy and happy and giggling as they kissed and nuzzled one another.

“I love you,” Fili murmured over, pressing kisses against the sweaty neck beneath him.

Kili’s head was tipped back and he was smiling and laughing as he agreed and responded with, “I love you too. I love you three. Promise you’ll always love me like this.”

Fili lifted up and looked into those beautiful changeable eyes. “I will always love you like this. I will always want you like this. I want to spend the rest of my life sleeping with you and waking up next to you and having hot sex with you on Sunday afternoons.”

“Are we really sort of engaged?” Kili asked with a smile.

“Really and for truly. We have witnesses, there’s no going back on it now. We’re engaged to be engaged. That should sound fucked up, but it only sounds hot.”

Kili nuzzled him. “What are we gonna do?”

Fili laughed and said, “I’m going to start interviewing contractors tomorrow for one thing and you have to give your flat manager some warning. Then we have to get some boxes and…”

A kiss silenced him. “No you git, what are _we_ gonna do?”

“Oh. Well, I’m gonna go wash up and come back with a couple of cloths for you and then I guess we might need to talk about our future, yeah?” He cocked his head and regarded the Irishman cheekily.

“Not what I meant, but good idea since we’re starting to turn into sock glue here.”

The Kiwi stopped dead. “Sock glue is a thing?”

“Keeps your socks up when you step dance and is a bitch to get off, so peel off me, mate, and go get me a cloth.” The cheeky look was returned.

“Okay, I don’t think I want to know any more than that. Be right back.” He rolled off, wincing a little as they really had started to stick together, and headed for the loo.

Kili watched him go and laid back grinning. He was so happy he felt giddy. He’d thought he was happy when he was racing and winning, but it was nothing like this. That feeling was fleeting, but this one would hopefully last the rest of his life. It was scary in a way. He’d never really committed to a relationship before, or much of anything else, either. Being in a relationship meant responsibilities, something he had never really excelled at. This really had moved quickly, but it all felt right, as if the pieces had just clicked into place on their own. Not much in his life had done that. Maybe, just maybe this was an omen.

The Kiwi washed up quickly, not waiting until the water even warmed. He grimaced as his outie became an innie, but it didn’t matter. With a look, Kili could raise the dead. Fili turned around, assessed the bathroom, and heaved a sigh. Soon it would be torn up and remade to accommodate Kili. The thought tugged at his heart. It was going to really be _their_ place and not just his. He was no longer just Philip Durin, he was now half of an _Us_ , something he thought would never happen for him. He had always felt like the lesser half in his relationship with Daniel. He brought in the money, but didn’t take care of any of the business. Somehow he’d been led to believe that running things was much harder and more important than creating the art that paid for it all.

He looked at the guy in the mirror. He was so different looking than the bloke he used to see there that it was almost like looking at a different person. He was wearing a pretty decent beard now. He’d kept the silly mustache braids, as big a pain in the arse that they were, just because they delighted Kili. He was twenty-nine, which meant thirty in December. He had a few laugh lines from too much sun and couldn’t see any grey hairs yet. He didn’t look too bad for an old fart. He regretted wasting so much time on Daniel, but then, he reflected, if he hadn’t he would never have met Kili. That, he thought, was unthinkable.

He would have to tell his parents about Kili. He wasn’t sure if he should tell them about the pre-engagement thing or not. He couldn’t remember if they did that back home. It wasn’t something that would have been on his radar anyway. He knew that hearing that he was serious about Kili would end their fantasy that maybe he would meet a nice girl and give up this whole being gay thing. The phone call had gone better than any conversation with them in years. He didn’t know if he wanted to rock the boat just yet. But he didn’t know how Kili would take him not telling his parents. Why did relationships have to be so complicated? Why did being gay still have to be such a big thing to so many people?

He looked at the near-stranger in the mirror once again and shook his head. He had no answers, only questions. He wet the cloths for Kili, wrung them out and headed back for the bedroom.

When he came back a sticky Irishman made a pout face and whined, “I thought you fell in.”

Fili threw the wet cloths, hitting him in the belly. He squeaked and grabbed at them, starting to scrub himself.

“I was thinking.”

“About what, running the water colder?” Kili washed quickly and then hurling them back.

Fili snatched the cloths out of the air and grinned wickedly. “No. I was thinking about how much I love you and how much I enjoy shagging your furry arse into the mattress.”

“Okay, dawdling is forgiven, but only if you promise to actually do it.” Kili was going to hold him to it.

He trotted to the loo to hang the cloths up. “I have every intention,” he called from down the hall.

“When?” Kili yelled back.

Whipping around the corner, Fili launched himself into the bedroom and landed on the bed, straddling Kili. He grinned, blue eyes flashing, braids swaying to punctuate his dimples. “How about now?”

“Now?” Kili squeaked. “You’ve got to be kidding!”

“Why not, you’re young and strong.” Fili was wearing nothing except a wicked grin.

“I was up until about ten minutes ago and now I’m old and weak.” Kili was laughing, but he wasn’t completely sure that the Kiwi was teasing.

“Aw come on, you can get it up. I have faith in you.” The blond was laughing as he slid his hands down Kili’s body, stroking and petting.

“I’m glad you have faith, ‘cause I’m pretty sure my dick is dead ‘cause you killed it.”

“Aw,” Fili teased, looking at his fiancé’s limp crotch with a sad expression. “Poor dick, he died fighting.”

“I’m gonna bury you with him, if you don’t get off me,” Kili warned. He was laughing and pushing at Fili, who was not budging.

“But I’m horny,” the blond moaned, stretching the word out and looking pitiful.

Kili looked down and giggled. “Yeah, that’s why your dick has crawled inside for a nap.”

Fili looked down at himself and then back at Kili with a tragic expression. “You scared him. He’s going to go hide.”

“Aw, poor little guy. Would he feel better if I gave him kisses?” Kili’s grin was evil, his eyes sparking with mischief.

“Ooooh, promises, promises.”

“Then come up here and let’s see if I can raise the dead.” The Irishman leered.

Fili was wondering how to get himself out of this because he wasn’t sure he was up to another round so soon, but when Kili licked his lips he thought he might just be willing to die trying. Kili’s phone rang and he laughed to see the expression of relief on Fili’s face.

Kili leaned over and grabbed it, his eyebrows leaping skyward to vanish under his bangs. “Bilbo, what are you doing at my apartment?”

He flipped it on speaker and the two of them sat there listening to Bilbo tell them that he was bored after everyone left and Thorin was an old fart who wanted a nap, so he decided to get started on packing up Kili’s things.

“Bilbo, I don’t want you to pack my stuff,” the brunet complained.

There was laugher and then Bilbo replied, “Don’t worry, I’m not getting into your drawers. All I’m doing is wrapping your trophies in bubble wrap and making sure they are not going to get broken during the move. I’m only packing things like this and your posters. You get to dig around in your own unmentionables. I just wanted to let you know I’m here so when you come in you won’t think anything was stolen.”

“That’s really nice of you to help and all,” Fili said, ignoring his fiancé’s scowl.

He motioned to Kili who finally relented and said, “Yeah, thanks, Uncle Bilbo. I really appreciate it.”

“Have a good rest of the day, boys, and do the same thing I intend to do later when I get home.” Bilbo’s tone was so light and matter of fact that, although his words shocked both them, they couldn’t help laughing.

“Already did,” Killi replied boldly, winking at Fili.

“Good for you,” came the cheeky reply. “See you boys later.”

After he hung up they practically fell off the bed laughing.

“I can’t imagine Bilbo and Thorin in bed,” Fili laughed. “It doesn’t compute.”

“Ewww… It doesn’t a lot of things, but it makes me queasy, so change the subject.” Kili was doing an impressive pantomime of having been poisoned.

“It’s just Bilbo andThorin,” Fili countered. “What’s so gross about that?”

Kili smacked him with the pillow. “Okay, let’s talk about _your_ parents having sex. So do you think your mom goes…”

A mouthful of pillow effectively silenced the brunet. He was laughing almost too hard to talk. “It’s different when it’s you, innit?”

“Truce. We won’t talk about parents anymore. The subject is too gross to deal with,” Fili conceded.

“Do you think our kids will say the same thing about us?” Kili looked thoughtful. The idea had just occurred to him.

“Our kids?”

“Yeah, small versions of us, only better behaved.” Kili was warming to the topic. “I mean there’s no reason we can’t have kids, that is if we do go ahead and actually get married.”

Fili cocked his head and grinned mischievously. “So which one of us is gonna get pregnant?”

“We’ll adopt, or hire a surrogate, although you look a couple of months along sometime when you stand with your tummy pushed out.” Kili giggled and poked a finger into Fili’s belly.

“I do not!” Fili was scandalized. His father was the one who stood with his stomach sticking out, something he would _never_ do.

“You totally do. You stand there with your tummy pooching out and it’s the most adorable thing in the world. I always want to come up and blow belly-berries on it.”

Kili twisted around and grabbed Fili, trying to get at his tummy. Fili successfully fought him off and sat cross-legged with a pillow clasped defensively to his belly. “You leave my tummy out of this. We were talking about having kids.”

“Yeah,” Kili said looking up at Fili, “we were, weren’t we? So do you want kids?”

“I never thought about it as being an option.” He looked at Kili, or more correctly looked at those amazing liquid eyes with the long lashes and heavy gull-wing brows. “I’d have a dozen if they all looked just like you. A houseful of giggling little Kilis would be fun.”

The Irishman groaned. “I’d shoot myself. I was thinking more a couple of blond angels with eyes the color of the summer skies.”

Fili slid down so that he was on the same level as Kili. “So, what do you think for real?”

Kili’s lowered his eyes, his lashes sooty against his cheeks. “I always wanted to have at least one, maybe two.” He looked up and blinked, his eyes shining golden in the light. “Some of my mates had babies and they are so tiny and adorable. I know blokes aren’t supposed to get all stupid about babies, but I always loved them.”

“Yeah,” Fili agreed, stealing a tiny kiss. “Me too. They are bitsy and pink and need so much love. I never thought I had that much to offer, but I’m starting to think that maybe I do. It would be fun to watch a child grow and teach him or her to paint.

“Or to ride a bike,” Kili offered. “And have to fix bottles and then lunches and go to school meetings and freak out the teachers. And they’d have just the best family ever because Bilbo would teach them to cook and with Thorin and Dwalin no one would dare mess with them.”

Fili laughed. “Did we just say we want kids?”

Blushing a little, Kili nodded. “Yeah, we did. We’d be good daddies.”

“The best!” He scooped Kili into a hug and the two of them cuddled together.

Fili was quiet for a few moments and then asked, “When the time is right, do you want me to propose to you again, someplace romantic, when we are both sober?”

“What?! No! No! Absolutely not!” Kili was aghast. “That was the perfect proposal. I wasn’t so drunk that I don’t remember every word and detail. It was in front of our friends and family while we were having a wonderful time. I don’t think anything is more romantic than that.”

He kissed Fili once and then again slowly. “I feel very proposed to. We will just have a long engagement, that’s all. When we’re ready we’ll get married and then we will have a really serious talk about children.”

Kili’s eyes went soft and his lashes fluttered as he looked at his Fili. “Is it okay if I want to call you my fiancé?”

“Yeah, I’d like that. We have to be sane about this, but I don’t see myself ever wanting anyone else,” Fili replied with a sigh.

“Not even…someone able-bodied?” When he saw Fili’s expression he realized that he’d actually said it out loud.

“Oh hell no – we are _not_ going there! If we do we have to talk about my shortcomings like my height, the fact I’m not hung like a horse and the fact that my belly looks like it was cut open and sewed back up by a five-year-old.” The blond’s eyes were dark and Kili could see the storm rolling in.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.”

“But you think it!”

There was no way to dodge the truth. “Yeah, I think it. Sometimes. Not often. Hardly ever any more, actually.”

He looked at Fili, his eyes misting as he took a ragged breath to steady himself. “I mean sometimes yeah, I look around and wonder how a loser like me found you and why you want me.”

Fili started to say something, but Kili put up a hand and stopped him. “And then you hold me and make me laugh and I don’t feel like a loser anymore. I honestly don’t know what you see in me, but I’ll be forever grateful that you see it.”

They had so much in common, these two men who, against all odds, had managed to find each other. Fili pressed soft kisses against his forehead, cheeks, and then lips; chaste, sweet kisses for his love. “I love you just as you are, whatever may come, in the chair, or out of it. You are all I ever wanted or ever will want.”

Kili’s breath was soft against Fili’s face. “Yeah, to everything you said. I don’t know how I could love you more. I don’t see any of those things you said. I don’t. I just see you and I love you.”

The blond rolled over so that he was partially lying on Kili’s chest. He loved looking down at him, seeing the perfect features, the luminous eyes and being within reach of those tempting lips. He kissed him and those long arms wound around him, holding him tight as they stole each other’s breath away.

When they came up for air, Kili whispered, “Do you think maybe it’s been enough time, because I really really want you to make love to me again. I mean, if you think it’s time.”

Fili claimed another kiss, then trailing moist fire down to Kili’s ear, he replied. “I think we will make it time, my love.”

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili is moving forward and like any change, it’s not always easy or painless. 
> 
> My apologies for this chapter being slightly late. I’m sure you will forgive me as I am late updating due to a NEW ILLUSTRATION!! The Mighty Pabu has returned! I’ve missed her so much and am incredibly glad that she was able to start illustrating again. She may not be able to illustrate every chapter, but will do her best. I feel that her work gives this story life and wings. 
> 
> Tauriel came to Dublin to participate in Wings for Life World Run. This is an event where runners all over the world start at precisely the same time to raise money for spinal cord injury. They run for those who can’t.  
> [ **Wings for Life World Run**](http://www.wingsforlifeworldrun.com/us/en/)
> 
> At the end of this chapter you will find a promotion for my new story: "Shadows and Stone." Kili was born a Dúnedain and is going to be a ranger when he grows up. He's only ten when he meets the young prince of Erebor and their lives intertwine. Expect romance and feels. It is rated E for a reason. The first chapter will be published on March 21st.

 

 

On Monday, Fili woke with the realization that he’d pulled a muscle in his back during their final lovemaking session. The Irishman had gotten so turned on he wanted Fili every way he could get him, and that was how one blond Kiwi realized that twenty-nine was even closer to thirty than he’d previously thought. Bodies aren’t meant to twist that way, at least his wasn’t, and he really should have adjusted the bed rather than just stuff pillows under Kili’s arse.

It had been glorious and he had seen stars, but now as he pried his eyes open, Fili realized he was going to pay for it. His lips tugged in an amused smile as he played the memories from yesterday and last night. A year ago if you had told him that he would be this happy he would have laughed in your face. He shifted so that he could see Kili, who was still dead to the world. He was impossibly beautiful with the curls and the huge dark eyes and megawatt smile, but that wasn’t what Fili had fallen in love with. He was funny and sweet and never gave up. The Kiwi was just now starting to admit to himself that Kili had shown him how to get over himself and move on. He heaved a small sigh and curled up so that his hand could slip inside Kili’s. Long fingers instantly closed, holding him tight and he drifted off to sleep again.

When they woke up it was with the realization that they were going to have to scramble to get Kili to his drivers training on time. There was only time for a quick morning-breath kiss before they had to both pile out of bed and scramble. Kili pulled on his favorite T-shirt while Fili, who could dress faster, ran to the kitchen and quickly fried eggs and made toast, then whipped together egg sandwiches to take with. They picked up coffee at Insomnia and headed for training.

Kili was so antsy that the blond was worried that he wouldn’t wait for the car to stop so that he could get out.

“Wish me luck,” Kili said as he snapped his wheelchair together. “I’m supposed to get my car either this time or next.” He gave Fili a cheeky grin. “I’m gonna impress the hell out of him and get it today.”

Fili got out of the car and locked it. “Don’t piss him off or you won’t get it for a fortnight.”

“Don’t sweat it, I got this covered,” Kili replied confidently, giving Fili a cheeky grin as he adjusted his gloves.

Fili watched him roll away and smiled. So much had changed in thirty-six hours. He felt like his whole life had done a one-eighty. He had to get back to painting and get enough done for another show. He needed money and he needed to work. It had been good to get away from the pressure of having to produce, but now he was itching to do just that. Kili getting his car would be a good reason to grab his camera and go exploring and look for places to paint. Kili could drive and he could hang out of the window. He laughed at that mental image. Maybe he’d bark at a few cars while he was at it.

Fili looked out at the parking lot and watched his fiancé pull smoothly into traffic only to have the guy in front of him slam on the breaks. The Irishman reached quickly for the brake and brought the car up short, then easily went around the car, resisting the urge to flip him off. He was usually nervous during class, but not today. Today he was too happy to be nervous. He grinned at his instructor and the smile was returned.

The remainder of the lesson went smoothly, even with Kili babbling happily about being engaged and moving in with Fili. His instructor noted that, even distracted, the brunet had no problems managing the controls. It was with great pleasure that he checked the critical little box at the top of Kili’s assessment sheet. He loved days like this.

Fili looked up from reading his mail, to see the car pull back into Kili’s space. The brunet let out a hoot followed by a ringing laugh. That could only mean it was graduation day. Stuffing his phone in his pocket, he ran out to the car. Kili and the instructor were laughing and doing a high five. They turned in unison to grin at Fili.

He gave Kili a hug and then shook the instructor’s hand. “You survived and prevailed.”

“I did indeed. I have to admit that he’s one of the more cheerful students I’ve had, especially today. Now if you will follow me inside and have your picture taken, you will get your license and can be on your way.”

Kili managed to hold still just barely long enough for his photo to be taken. He kept tipping up and rocking on his back wheels as he waiting impatiently for it to run through the machines and be laminated to his license.

Fili finally leaned over and said, “You’re making people nervous. Put your wheels on the ground, will ya?”

The Irishman dropped them down and looked around apologetically. “Sorry,” he said to no one in particular. “I’m just excited.”

A large man, who had been reading a newspaper while he waited, laughed and said, “We got that, mate. Getting’ back on t’road?”

“Yeah, these wheels just don’t cut it.”

The man shook his head, “Yeah, can’t pick up many birds driving that.”

“Or blokes either and I’m taken,” Kili replied cheekily.

The man laughed so hard he dropped his newspaper. “Go on with ya. Ya just broke every heart in t’place.”

They were still laughing when Kili was called to pick up his license. He signed for it, high-fived Fili and the two of them headed for the door. Fili hit the button and the door swung open, welcoming Kili to the world of freedom.

He rolled over to “his” car and opened the passenger door. “May I give you a ride? I can show you my etchings.”

Fili laughed. “So you remembered that word. Of course you can give me a ride and, who knows, you might even get lucky tonight.”

“Oooh promises, promises.”

The only thing about Kili’s driving that made Fili a little nervous was his tendency to want to look at the Kiwi when he talked…and he talked all the time. Fortunately he still had BMX reflexes, but Fili couldn’t help pointing out that it would be a record if he got and lost his license on the same day. Kili finally took pity on his poor fiancé and slowed down.

They wended their way through Dublin traffic with an ease that Fili thought he’d never be able to achieve. Kili turned onto R131 and headed south along the ocean. Fili hoped he’d never get used to the beauty of the Irish coast. It was far different than Auckland’s shores, but just as beautiful.

They stopped at a quaint little fish and chips shop and picked up a lunch along with lemonade to drink. Then drove down the road a little and parked at the Sandymont Strand beach. It was a gorgeous day with the ocean shining an impossible blue-green and clouds like a herd of sheep scattered across the sky. They sat in the car eating as they watched two young men flying a rainbow-striped delta-wing kite. They ran around like puppies trying to get it in the air and when it was finally up and cruising they turned to each other and shared a hug and kiss of victory. Kili blew his horn and both he and Fili cheered out the window at them.

They watched the two men putting the stunt kite through a range of maneuvers, cheering as it went through a series of expertly controlled aerobatic loops and spirals, its long colorful tail drawing lazy designs against the blue of the sky.

They finished eating and Fili took their trash over to the bin. One of the kite guys came over and the two of them returned to the car.

“Kili, this is De-Wayne,” Fili said, introducing them.

“Just call me, Dee. It’s awesome your names rhyme. Must be like karma or somethin’.” He was as blond as he sounded. “So I hear you two got engaged this weekend and now you got your wheels. Dudes, you must be mega-stoked!”

Kili laughed. “Thanks, mate. Where’re ya from? I love your accent.”

“Funny, I’d say the same about you. I’m from Malibu, California. That’s in the States,” he added helpfully. Nodding to his partner, who was still doing battle with the kite, he said, “Liam’s from Clondalkin. I met him on Zuma Beach and kinda followed him home. He was rockin’ that accent and, how’s a dude to resist?”

“I couldn’t, that’s for sure,” Fili added. “There is something about these Irishmen, isn’t there. You meet one and nek minnit, you’re engaged.”

“Damn straight, dude--not that I have ever been straight.” He winked at Fili. “If it weren’t for Liam there, I’d snake ya, man.”

Both their eyebrows went up and Dee laughed. “I mean I’d slip in and cruise the shamrock here,” he cocked his thumb at Kili, “and see if I could get lucky.” Kili burst out laughing, knowing he was going to be a while living that nickname down.

Still grinning, the surfer nodded to Fili. “I like your accent too. ‘Nek minnit’ huh? You talk really strange Down Under. I hear the beaches in New Zee are da bomb.”

“Down Under is Australia, mate. But yeah, Kiwi beaches are pretty gnarly. The west coast of the North Island has black sand beaches which are pretty fine,” Fili replied. “We get some rad waves and not so many sharks.”

“Awesome. I’ve kinda grown attached to my body parts, dude. You surf?”

Fili shook his head. “Not me; I ski, though. We have some good slopes.”

“Rad. I gotta try that some day. I dunno, strappin’ boards to my feet and jumping off a mountain isn’t really my thing though.” Dee looked as if were pondering world peace. Fili couldn’t help wondering how long his relationship with Liam was going to last.

Kili looked at him and frowned. “You go out into rough tide with a chunk of wood and hope the sharks aren’t hungry and you think skiing is dangerous?”

“Well, dude, when you put it like that…” Dee laughed and replied. “I guess we’re all a little out there where the busses don’t run.”

He turned back to Fili. “How’s the gay scene there, man?”

“Auckland’s pretty good, Wellington not so much. But like you said, the beaches are rad. Come on down if you get the chance.”

“Yeah, I’m stoked. Now I want to surf a black sand beach. I’ll have to do that.” He looked over to where Liam was waving to him. “Gotta bail, Liam neeeeeds me. The air’s outrageous and if Liam’s new toy does a kamikaze and wipes-out he’s gonna be mega ripped. Latronic, dudes!”

They watched him run toward his boyfriend and Kili said, “So would you follow me just for my accent?”

The blond leaned over and gave him a slow wet kiss. “Mmm, only if you promise never to talk like that, and if all these other lovely parts of you came with it.”

“Promise on both counts,” Kili whispered, tracing the outline of Fili’s lips with his tongue.

He caught one of the mustache braids in his teeth and tugged gently. “I didn’t know you skied.” Kili felt a little hurt that there was something about his fiancé that he didn’t know.

It took a moment for the Kiwi’s brain to shift gears. “Well, it’s summer and the subject didn’t exactly come up. I am in Ireland and you don’t have a lot of mountains, last I heard.”

“But we have a ski club and you can go skiing here in the winter.” Kili whined teasingly. “It’s a bit south of Dublin between Kilternan and Enniskerry.” He’d tried it once when he was sixteen and it had been a blast. “Maybe you can strap my arse to a snowboard.”

Fili chuckled, “I’d like to strap your arse to more than that, but I’m pretty sure that there is adaptive equipment for skiing. I thought you’d know this stuff.”

Kili shrugged. “I’ve been focused on getting wheels, dude…” he mimicked Dee’s Malibu drawl. He didn’t want to admit that he had been less than receptive to any and all mentions of the sports he could do in a wheelchair. Back in the hospital it was BMX or nothing, so, for him, it was nothing. He looked at his beautiful fiancé and imagined him sailing down a slope, spraying powder as he made the turns. Maybe it was time to rethink some things.

Fili leaned over and slid an arm around the brunette. “Well, maybe when it gets cold out we’ll check out the slopes and see what kind of trouble we can get into.”

Kili kissed him and heaved a happy sigh. “Sounds like a plan.”

All too soon it was time to head back. Kili had to drop off his fiancé and then drive himself to therapy. He grinned at the thought. It was going to be awesome to come in and dangle his keys to prove he was now officially back in the game.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Kili’s entrance into therapy was practically a strut. He grinned at Bofur and said, “Congratulate me.”

“Ok, you’re congratulated. I’ll even throw you a party,” Bofur replied with a grin. He loved seeing Kili so upbeat and happy. “Now what am I congratulating you for?”

The Irishman whipped out his car keys and dangled them so they jingled. “I got wheels!”

“You got your car! That is worthy of celebration, no doubt about it. I was gettin’ a bit worried thinking you might be a pedestrian forever,” Bofur teased him as he walked ahead of Kili, leading him to a therapy table.

Kili rolled next to the table and popped a wheelie. “And that’s not even my big news.” He was grinning wickedly, begging everyone to wonder what was up.

Bofur’s eyebrows went up. “If you have something more important than your car, it must be amazing.”

Kili boosted himself onto the table. “It is. I’m engaged.” His gaze was on Bofur but he said it loud enough so that the entire room could hear.

He was immediately clapped into a huge hug that left him breathless. Bofur was laughing and congratulating him over and over.

Kili finally managed to get a word in and modified his statement. “Actually we’re sort of engaged to be engaged.”

“How does that even happen?” Bofur stopped and stared at Kili with his hands on his hips.

“Well it’s kinda soon to go running off to the altar, even if we could get hitched here. So it’s going to be a long engagement.” Kili knew he was blushing. Maybe he should have just kept his big mouth shut.

“Aye, that makes sense. I did think it was a bit soon, but then I’ve met yer other half and I like him. He’s a good decent bloke, just what you need to straighten your crazy Irish arse out.”

“Says one Irishman to another,” Kili quipped.

“Who would know better, me fine lad. Now hop up there on the table and behave yourself. There’ll be no livin’ with you now that you have wheels and a gorgeous fiancé.”

He grabbed a moist hotpack and motioned for Kili to flip over. He laid a thick towel over his lower back and then dropped the hotpack on top of it. “Nope, there’ll be no livin’ with ya now, me lad. None at all. Now bake a bit and we’ll work on limbering ya up a little for the celebratin’ I know you’re fixin’ ta do, and you can tell me all about it – your engagement, I mean.”

Kili watched him walk across the room to another client and then closed his eyes happily.

“Congratulations.”

Kili opened his eyes and looked around to see who was talking to him. It was the tall redhead stretched on the table next to him.

“Thanks,” he replied adjusted himself so that he could see her better.

“Have you been together long?” She was inquisitive, but he could see that she was more interested than prying.

“Not really, but he’s perfect.” He laughed suddenly. “And I guess most everyone says that. But we’re not rushing into anything. The proposal just kinda happened, sort of spur of the moment, but it felt right, so we’re sticking with it. It’s gonna be a long engagement. Neither one of us is ready for marriage yet.”

He laughed again and put his hand over his face in embarrassment. “I’m a bit over-sharing, aren’t I?”

It was her turn to laugh. “You’re just excited and I can see why. I’m glad you’re not rushing into anything.” She nodded toward her wheelchair. “Sometimes that’s easy to do when we find someone who accepts us the way we are.”

Kili hadn’t noticed the chair, but when she moved her hand he did notice the rings on her finger. “It looks like you found a keeper, too.”

Her smile turned suddenly shy. “Yeah. He’s a keeper all right. Most amazing man in the world, except for your fiancé, of course.”

“Can I ask where you met? That is, if I’m not prying.” Kili pushed his hair out of his eyes so that he could see her better. She was stunningly beautiful with delicate features and huge green eyes that nearly matched her tank top.

Her laugh was light and musical. “Not at all. We met at a winter sports clinic in Aspen, Colorado. He was working at the resort that hosted it and volunteered to help out. He was assigned to me. An adaptive sports therapist showed us the ropes then it was just the two of us and the bunny slope.”

“Bunny slope?” Kili had this mental image of a hill bouncing with little white bunnies.

“It’s for beginners. You know, so the para doesn’t take off and become a quad,” she explained with a twinkle. “I already went off the side of a mountain once and I can’t say that I really wanted to do it again.”

“Jaysus.” His look of bright interest turned into a frown of concern.

She shrugged as best she could laying on the table with a hotpack on her back. “I was skiing down a slope I had no business being on. I was good, but not that good. I wanted to ski down the side of a mountain, but you know mountains are wild and sometimes they attack. I hit a rock, and then another rock, and then proved I can’t fly.”

She shrugged and gave him a reassuring little smile. “I’m lucky I’m still alive. I really am. I was busted up pretty bad and they had to air lift me out. I’ve always regretted that I don’t remember any of it. It must have been awesome.

“Anyway, it was my first time back skiing and we hit it off. He was so gorgeous I couldn’t believe he’d be interested in me, but he was and that was eight years ago, so I guess he still is.”

The thought of them being together for eight years made Kili feel a little squishy inside. He mentally shook his head at how much he’d changed since meeting Fili. A year ago he would have been bored by the romance part of her story, but now he wanted to hear more. Funny how time and love changes things.

“He sounds like a good bloke. Is he American, too?”

She shook her head. “Nope, he’s Irish, or at least half. His dad’s Swedish.” She grinned, making her green eyes sparkle. “So he looks like a Viking, but has the Irish accent. Talk about being enough to make a girl’s head spin.”

Kili laughed. “So you moved to Ireland?” He shifted so that he could see her better and decided that the ten percent of him that was straight would be willing to follow her anywhere.

“I wish. We came for the Wings for Life World Run, but we’re staying with my in-laws while I train for the Longford Marathon.” She made a little face, but continued, “I haven’t tried a full marathon before, and I can hardly wait.”

Kili was thoroughly confused. “How do you run a marathon? I thought you were…uh…” He stopped not sure how to proceed.

She laughed delightedly. “I run it in my wheelchair, of course.”

Marathons? Wheelchair racing? He vaguely remembered something from his beginning rehab days about Paralympics, but had dismissed it because he wasn’t in any mood to hear about what he could do in a wheelchair.

“Really? You’re doing a marathon?” He stopped and then blushed. “I’m sorry. That came out wrong. I didn’t mean that you can’t run…uh…” He bumbled to a halt.

She laughed with the air of someone used to awkward questions. “Yup, my second one here. The World Run is a marathon too, but this one is a lot longer. It helps build me up for racing. I’m shooting for the Paralympics in Rio next year.” She smiled and adjusted her hotpack. “Last year I was entered in the downhill skiing and biathlon, but I didn’t medal.”

Kili winced and commented. “That sucks.”

“It was my first time, so I shouldn’t have won. The experience was good and I know what to work on. In Rio I’ll learn more and maybe make it to the podium. She smiled brightly. “You have to earn medals and if I win one I’m never taking it off. Not even in bed. Legolas will just have to get used to it.”

He laughed at the mental image. “Who’s Legolas, your cat?”

Tauriel laughed so hard she nearly fell off the table. “He’s my husband. It’s apparently an old family name.”

Kili winced. There was nothing like putting your foot in your mouth right off the bat. “Sorry about that. Does he compete in the Paralympics too?”

Tauriel laughed and shook her head. “No, he’s in the regular Olympics. He’s able-bodied. He’s a skier, so he was only competing in the winter games, but since I started wheelchair racing he’s done more with his archery and is going to give it a shot in Rio.” She laughed at her own pun, inviting Kili to join in.

Her therapist returned and started doing some stretches. She leaned past him to be able to see Kili. “If you ever decide to get into sports, the Irish Wheelchair Association is right here in Dublin.”

He vaguely remembered Bofur and his mentor talking about the IWA, but he hadn’t been interested at the time and blew it off. He apparently looked surprised, because she quickly said, “If you aren’t a sports kinda guy don’t worry about it, but they might have some information that you could use.”

That stung. He lifted himself onto his elbows. “But I _am_ into sports. Until this happened I raced BMX.”

She looked surprised and then sad. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“Naw, don’t worry about it, it’s cool. It’s just that I’m hearing that I’m missing out on a lot. I haven’t been a wheelie all that long and my head was pretty fucked up.” He stopped dead. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say it that way.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she shot back quickly. “Ending up in a chair is enough to fuck up anyone’s head.

“Well, check them out. If you want to know more about marathons and such I could give you our number. Leggy is my coach and he could give you some pointers.”

She transferred to her chair and came over to his. “I’ll write our number and stick it in your backpack, if that’s okay.”

She tucked her number in his backpack and turned to face him. “I suppose since I just gave you my number I should introduce myself. I’m Tauriel Sigurdson.”

“I’m Kili Oakenshield. I’ll give ya a call soon, yeah?” The last word came out a little breathless. Bofur had returned and was doing something to his lower back.

“Yeah,” she agreed. “It’ll be fun. Gotta go do some weights and work on my abdominals. Such fun. Catch you later.”

He didn’t want to admit how much he missed racing and everything that came with it. And how much of an arse he was feeling for sitting around whining these past few months. He really had to get out and stop sitting around the loft having Fili entertain him.

                           

He watched her go over and lower herself to a mat on the floor. Her therapist handed her a wheel with handles on either side and Kili watched spellbound as she lay on her belly, rolled the wheel out as far as she could and then pulled back, lifting her upper body. Kili could see her muscles cord with each pushup and her tank top begin to darken with sweat.

Bofur watched her for a minute and grinned. “She’s settin’ the bar pretty high around here.”

Kili nodded slowly. He was thinking that doing that exercise would probably just about kill him.

The physio pulled a chair up and sat next to Kili. He laid a hand on the brunet’s shoulder and Kili turned to face him. Bofur only acted like this when he had something important to say and when that something important wasn’t good news.

“The…uh…insurance company is refusing to pay for any more of the locomotor training, because we aren’t really seeing any results.” His huge dark eyes were sad. He hated insurance companies, but even more he hated to have to say things like this to his clients.

Kili reached up and laid a hand atop Bofur’s. “That’s okay,” he sighed. “I didn’t think it was working and I really hate it, so I’m not all that broken up. I’m glad your cousin is getting something from it though.”

Bofur’s face tipped up just a little in hesitant smile. “Yeah, old Bifur is comin’ right along with it.” His face got serious again. “I’m sorry it didn’t work for you, Kili.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t really fancy walking like I had a stick up me arse anyway.” He grinned and it was genuine. He hated the thought of staggering around wearing braces. The wheelchair had its drawbacks but at least he felt free and moved quickly and easily in it. He’d always thought of the locomotor therapy as being experimental anyway.

“So what would you suggest I do if I want to be able to do what she does?” He nodded toward Tauriel.

“The same thing she does, swim and a lot of weights.”

Kili winced. “Swimming isn’t my best thing.”

“So, learn. I’ll recommend it be added to your program.”

He nodded. He wasn’t a fan of swimming ever since he got cocky when he was eight and made an excellent attempt at drowning himself. He was going to have to suck it up if he even wanted to think about getting back to racing. Kili took a long breath and looked from Bofur to Tauriel and back again. “Remember when you tried to talk to me about wheelchair sports and I was an arse and wouldn’t listen?”

The physio tugged on the end of his mustache. “Yeah, I do.”

“Could we maybe have that talk again?” Kili gave him the puppy-eyes and Bofur burst out laughing.

“I have some printouts for you to take with you and I’ll schedule a little extra time for us on Wednesday. Sound okay?”

“Yeah,” He grinned up at the older man. “I’ll even read them this time.”

“Oh, so you can read now? Had me fooled. I thought mebbe you’d be lookin’ at the pictures and let that handsome fiancé of yours do the heavy liftin’”

The Irishman laughed, but he ducked his head a little. “Naw, I think I can manage now.”

Bofur laughed and gave his shoulder a smack. “Okay, glad to hear it. When we’re done with the stretches we’ll start with the weights and give ya a light workout. No time like the present. Can’t have a pretty lass showin’ ya up, now can we?”

Feeling like he was probably going to die, Kili managed a grin. “Nope, so let’s go for it.”

 

~ ~ ~ ~

 

Kili rolled out to his car and stopped to stretch his shoulders before getting in. The light workout meant low weight and a lot of repetitions. A lot. On a lot of muscle groups. Groaning a little, he heisted himself into his car, broke his wheelchair down and stowed it with only a couple of tiny moans. Okay, maybe more than a couple. He was going to pay for this tonight.

He turned his phone on and phoned home. He smiled a little at the sound of the word in his mind. Yeah, he was calling home.

When Fili answered he told him that he was headed over to his apartment to check out the packing damage.

“Why don’t I bring over a couple of boxes and we can start moving your crap--I mean stuff--in?”

“Naw, we’ll leave the crap behind. We want to bring just the good stuff. I’m gonna do a weed-out and pitch the junk.”

“Are you going to bring your massive dildo collection?” Fili teased.

“Definitely, and my handcuffs and riding crop too. You’ve been entirely too cheeky lately and it’s time to teach you some manners,” Kili replied, doing his best not to giggle.

“Promises, promises. I’ll see you at half after.”

After he disconnected, Kili wondered if the Kiwi really did think he had a collection. He didn’t think that two qualified. Putting the car into gear, he pulled out of the lot and slid easily into traffic.

Damn it felt good to have wheels.

When he got to the apartment, he parked, got out, snapped his chair together, and cheerfully wheeled on in. He was surprised at how much packing Bilbo had done. All his trophies were carefully encapsulated in bubble wrap and his pictures were sealed into special boxes to keep them safe. There was a note on the kitchen counter that made him laugh.

 _“Did you inherit these utensils or get them out of the rubbish?_  
_You sort them because I just want to toss the lot of them in the bin._  
_That goes for your cookware (if you can call it that) too!_  
_After looking at this disaster area you call a kitchen I think I need a drink and two Paracetamol—or maybe the other way around.”_

Kili had to admit that his one skillet with the Teflon coating peeling off and his thrift store collection of pots wasn’t exactly awe inspiring. But damned if he was giving up his wooden spoon. He pulled it out of the drawer and set it on the counter. It had served him well to grab things that were out of reach and to stir the contents of pots full of lovely stews and soups that his mum sent over. She had given it to him when he first moved out and it meant more than he ever thought possible for a piece of wood.

At the thought, Kili put the spoon down and leaned forward with his head in his hands. He had been avoiding thinking about her. Every time he did it was like poking a raw nerve and the hurt rushed back as strong and bitter as it had when she exploded at dinner. Tears stung his eyes and he sat up, taking a deep breath and blinking hard to try to drive them back.

She had been in his little apartment so many times, fussing over him living alone and yet supporting his independence. She’d kept him fed, but insisted that he do his own cleaning. She taught him how to do laundry so that things didn’t need the ironing he refused to do anyway. She even taught him how to thread a needle and sew up rips and put buttons back on his shirts. Thank God she never asked how they got torn off in the first place.

Kili went over to the paper towel holder and ripped one off so that he could blow his nose. He tucked his wooden spoon into the bag on the back of his wheelchair and went into the living room. He wasn’t sure where to start packing, but he had an idea on what he didn’t want to keep.

He went to the magazine rack that sat next to the sofa and scooped up the handful of BMX bike magazines. They all dated back to the time of his injury. He looked at the colorful covers showing riders doing breathtaking stunts and felt sick to his stomach.

He grabbed the pillows off the couch and hurled them across the room one by one, each one punctuating his words.

“It’s. Not. Fucking. Fair!”

Rage mixed with despair roared to the surface and he grabbed the top magazine, ripping it in half and then the next one and the next one. When Fili came in he was surrounded by shredded magazines, doubled over, sobbing as if his heart would break.

Fili dropped the boxes he’d brought in, crossed the room in two strides, and dropped to his knees in front of his fiancé. He didn’t have to ask what was wrong. One of the mutilated pages lay on the sofa, its glowing colors proclaiming victory if you rode a Chase bike. Sickened, he reached over and knocked the page to the floor.

 

 

The Kiwi didn’t know what to do. He’d read that if you touch someone who is crying they will stop and not get it all out, so he knelt with his hands fluttering beside Kili’s knees. Everything in him longed to grab his love and hold him so tight nothing else could ever hurt him, but he didn’t dare. So he knelt and was there for Kili.

After a few more minutes the despair burned itself out, washed away by the tears. Kili opened reddened eyes and dragged the back of his hand across his upper lip. He knew he was a messy crier and that he was a pitiful wreck covered in tears and snot. He tried to back away, but Fili reached out and slid his arms around him, strong arms pulling him firmly against the blond’s chest.

“I love you,” Fili whispered over and over. “I’m so sorry you have to go through this.”

Kili buried his head against Fili, hiccupping softly. “I’m sorry you have to go through it, too. I’m sorry I’m pathetic and cry all the fucking time.”

Pressing soft kisses into Kili’s hair the Kiwi disagreed with him. “You don’t cry all the time and you’re not pathetic. You’ve had your life literally flattened. It hasn’t even been a year. There are going to be times when the memories flood back. All you can do is ride them out.”

He curled his forefinger under Kili’s chin and lifted his head so that he could kiss him, tasting salty and moist with tears. “You have to let yourself mourn what you lost. Until you do that it will always hurt.”

There was a juicy sniff, a pause, then, “Is that what you did? Does it work?”

“Yeah, it is and it does. I can’t compare myself to you, but I lost eight years and my self-respect. I had to face that and the fact that the life I had planned was gone and I had to start over. I cried and each time it got easier to let it go.”

Kili burrowed deeper into Fili’s shoulder. “I don’t know how to let go.”

“You do it one step at a time,” the blond replied, his fingers gently stroking the tangle of dark hair pressed against his cheek. “When I made up my mind that I could let go of the anger and shame, every day it seemed to hurt a little less.”

Kili heaved a sigh and sat up. “Will you remind me when I get whiny?”

“I’ll hum a few bars of ‘Let it Go’,” Fili teased, carding his fingers through Kili’s disheveled hair.

“You do and I’ll fuckin’ kill you.”

Fili smiled, then leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead. “Yeah, and cleaning up after my murder will get your mind off feeling sorry for yourself.”

Kili looked up at him and blinked. “You’re an arsehole.”

“The biggest. Now go blow your nose, snotty boy, and let’s get this place packed.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Their entrance to the town of Larendren had been uneventful. This was Ranger territory and was safe to travel and do business in. Once every few years Thorin brought his blacksmithing business to town along with an assortment of the best weapons as well as some well-crafted household tools and cooking pots. It was far beneath the work he used to do on fine weaponry where he had overlaid the base metal with silver, gold and mithril, but one does what one must to make a living.

Larendren, while not large, was prosperous, sitting on the eastern shore of Lake Evendim where the land was rich and the winters not as bitter as they were high in the Blue Mountains. The residents of the town were tall-folk, or Men, as they preferred to be called. But more important they were the descendants of the _Númenóreans_ and many were Dúnedain; Rangers who would purchase well-crafted weapons and even contract for custom items.

Even Dwarves had heard of Rangers and, like people everywhere, told and retold stories of the great battles they fought and knew that they were heroes. More than one dwarfling had gone to his slumber dreaming of going into battle wearing a silver star with his brother Rangers at his side.

When he had heard that there was to be a journey to Larendren Fili had begged to go. He was a master craftsman and felt that, with his uncle leading the expedition, that he should take part in it…in case someone needed one of the weapons he’d forged adjusted, you know.

Thorin had planned to invite him anyway, but it amused him to see his nephew present such well-thought-out arguments in favor of joining them. Fili was past old enough to come along and had missed the last trip because Balin swore that he could not take four months away from his lessons, or the lad would not be able to count more than the sum of his fingers.

Provisions had been packed, goodbyes said and Fili had climbed onto the wagon to take the reins of the ponies. He was responsible for the wagon with their supplies and, even though it wasn’t the one with the precious forge, he was very proud to have been entrusted with the responsibility. He sat up straight; his golden hair gleaming in the sun, new clothes bright and pressed. He nodded at the dwarflings and dwarrowdams as he drove past them. Today, more than ever before, he felt like Fili, son of Vili, heir to Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain.

 ~ ~ ~

 Once out of town Fili quickly discovered why the others had been less excited. It was a long way to Larendren. It took twelve long boring days to reach the outskirts of town. By that time the last thing he wanted to do was set another camp. He wanted to go into town and get a hot meal that he hadn’t helped to cook and an even hotter bath. Unfortunately, with the town and its inn beckoning, he had to stay behind while his uncle went to treat with the mayor and arrange their stay. Fili tried not to pout as he went about the now-hated setup and readied the camp for Thorin’s return.

In the morning, they relocated to a suitable spot at the other edge of town. Fili helped Thorin unload the portable forge. It was heavy and had to be placed carefully. Men and not a few Wo-men were arriving, claiming to just want to have a look. Fili smiled and nodded to them all. He knew that lookers would turn into buyers as soon as they were set up. It wasn’t often that goods of Dwarven quality would be available and customers were already craning their necks and trying to see into the tents.

Fili backed up and almost fell over a child, who toppled to land hard on the packed ground. Quickly, he reached out and pulled the boy upright, dismayed that a thin trickle of blood was seeping from the corner of the lad’s mouth.

The young prince’s Westron wasn’t as good as Balin would have liked, but it sufficed.

“I am sorry I hurt you,” Fili said quickly, as pulled a relatively clean kerchief from his pocket and wiped the blood from the boy’s face. “You should know better than to get in people’s way when they are working.”

“Sorry,” the boy mumbled. “I’ve never seen Dwarves before. I didn’t mean to get in the way.” He mopped at the blood and then spat a wad of red onto the ground. “I bit my tongue.”

He made a show of pushing on his teeth with his tongue. One of his front teeth was still coming in and he was very protective of it. “Don’t think anything’s loose,” he reported to Fili’s relief. “Stings though.”

“I expect it does.” Fili looked at the boy who was all arms and legs and a shock of unruly curly dark hair that fell to his shoulders and into his eyes. And those eyes… They were huge and a dark honey that shaded to gold in the sunlight. He was going to be a heartbreaker when he grew into that lanky body.

“Do you think some sweet tea and a biscuit would help the sting?” Without waiting for an answer, he strode to the mess tent with the boy following like a puppy.

As he poured the tea and untinned the biscuits Fili asked, “So what do you think of Dwarves?”

The boy shrugged. “You look different from Hobbits, but bigger than I was told.”

“So are you disappointed in us?” Fili teased.

“Naw, I think you look good with the beards. I hope I grow up as strong as you are. Bet you could take on a bear.”

“No, I do not think so.” Fili was amused by the boy’s mix of disappointment and admiration. He wasn’t a freak and he was strong. Not too bad, all things considered.

The mug was taken with enthusiasm and surprising manners. So he wasn’t an urchin after all. Fili set the plate of honey biscuits next to him and watched as he waited for further permission to have one and then a second one and then the rest. The prince mused that whoever he belonged to must spend half their income feeding him.

Fili got a mug of tea for himself and grabbed the next-to-last biscuit. “I’m Fili. What is your name?”

“Kili,” the lad said through a mouthful of biscuit. “’s short for Kiliardil.”

The Dwarf laughed, startling the boy, who drew his thick brows down in a scowl.

“I meant no offence Young Ranger,” Fili said gently. “But our names match. I did not expect that a Man would have a name like mine.”

Kili jammed the biscuit into his cheek so that he could speak. “And I never thought you’d have a _Dúnedain_ name. It’s kinda weird.”

Fili smiled. “I believe it is called a coincidence.”

It amused him that the boy’s name was so like his own. Standing up, he bowed and announced with such formality that Fili could barely keep from laughing, “I am Kiliardil, son of Kiliardath. When I am grown I will be _Dúnedain_ and protect the East.”

Allowing himself only a slight smile, Fili nodded. “I am pleased to meet you, Kiliardil, son of Kiliardath, soon to be _Dúnedain_.”

He stood and bowed. “I am Fili, son of Vili, heir to Thorin, King of Erebor.”

Kili’s eyes widened. “You’re a…a prince?”

Fili laughed and laid a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “No lad, I am a simple weaponsmith and craftsman from the Blue Mountains. I am heir only to a kingdom that is no more. It fell long before your grandparents were born.”

He grinned widely and winked. “But you have to admit that it sounds impressive.”

The boy laughed and relaxed. “It sure does. But can I tell people that I met a real prince?”

“I cannot tell you what to say,” Fili chuckled. “But if they come looking for a crown I’m afraid they will be disappointed.”

Kili pulled himself up to his full height, which was six inches shorter than Fili, and proclaimed, “On this day I have met a Prince. A Dwarven Prince, Fili son of Bili.”

“Vili,” Fili quietly corrected.

“Vili and he will get his kingdom back some day.” Kili was quite pleased with his proclamation and stood there for a moment looking up at Fili with eyes filled with hero worship.

“And with faith like that, we shall certainly reclaim our lost kingdom,” Fili responded solemnly. “Perhaps with the help of a Ranger.”

Kili put his hand on his chest where the star would be worn. “I promise to help. No one can stand against a Ranger of the North.”

“Of that I have no doubt.” Fili was amused by the boy, but also saw the beginnings of a warrior. When he was grown he would be an impressive Dúnedain.

 

_The rest of the chapter will be posted on March 27th. :)_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks to Hal - hold_on_a_sex for keeping me honest about life on wheels.
> 
> Hal is a wheelchair athlete who is trying to raise funds to purchase a racing wheelchair. These babies cost at least $3,000 and she’s less than half way there. If you have even a little you could donate it would make an incredible difference to an athlete who just wants to Chase the Wind [**Hal’s Go Fund Me Page**](http://www.gofundme.com/fy475k)
> 
> Hal is also a Hobbit fan writer and a damn good one. You are missing out on two great stories if you haven't read her [**Romance in Rio**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1093396) and [**We're Fighters, Every One of Us**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/988916) In Romance in Rio both Aidan and Dean are wheelchair athletes at the Paralympics. In "We're Fighters" Dean has epilepsy and Aidan is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. Both stories are sweet funny romances and will make your heart smile. 
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, kudos, or creative criticism you don't want to put in a comment, please email me at drakkhammer@gmail.com
> 
> My new blog is: [**Drakkhammerwrites**](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/%20) Be sure to check out the sideblogs for Aidan, Dean, Fili/Kili, Mitchell, Poldark and more. :)
> 
> Thank you very much for reading. I hope you enjoy this story and Pabu's marvelous art.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Tuesday and Kili's appointment with Father Grey is imminent. But first, Fili has his own ideas on how to fill the hours before Kili's appointment. 
> 
> If you want to see the finish of the race Fili and Kili are watching click on the link Hug and Weir in the text.

  

Kili woke early with his stomach in knots. Today was Tuesday and that meant he had an appointment with Father Grey. His stomach twisted again at the thought. He looked over at Fili who was still sound asleep and then quietly slid out of bed and went to the bathroom feeling as if he was going to puke. He dry heaved once, but his stomach gave it up as a bad job and settled down. Feeling marginally relieved, he rolled into the kitchen to make tea. He did some upper torso stretches while the microwave was heating the water. Stupid shoulder muscles getting so stiff and achy. He was supposed to be an athlete and here he was stretching and groaning like an old man.

When the water was hot, he dumped in too much sugar along with the tea bag and set the mug on his lap tray so he could carry it into the living room. He turned on the Mac and did a few more stretches while he waited for it to start. Bloody shoulders anyway. Moving Fili’s chair to one side, he hit the internet to do some research.

He googled wheelchair racing and from the search results pulled up Paralympic.org. He clicked and sat fascinated by all the different sports that were played by disabled athletes. Finally he found wheelchair racing, which was listed under “IPC Athletics” and found a video of Marcel Hug. He was flying down the track in a 3-wheel adapted racing chair. It was an amazing video. That led him to go over to YouTube and watch some of the races at the 2012 Paralympics. Kili leaned forward, so totally immersed in his video that he didn’t hear Fili coming up behind him until he spoke.

“That looks interesting.”

Kili paused the video and looked up at the Kiwi, his dark eyes sparkling with excitement. “This is David Weir vs. Marcel Hug. Hug’s the 2014 Disabled Athlete of the Year and Weir’s won gold three times at the 2012 Paralympics.”

“They’re racers, yeah?” Fili dropped his hand to the Irishman’s shoulder and squeezed.

“Yeah,” he replied, suddenly felt a little embarrassed, although he couldn’t say why. He looked at Fili again, his brows pulled down into the serious look that most people took to be a frown.

Fili was used to him. He smiled cheerfully, pulled his chair up and sat down. “Why don’t we watch the rest of this together? It looks pretty interesting.”

Kili clicked the video back to the beginning. He stole glances at the blond, who seemed fascinated by it. He was feeling a mix of emotions from hope to mild panic. He kept seeing himself out there on the track with Weir and Hug, but he didn’t know if he was ready for it. How do you even get ready for it?

The race was close with [**Hug and Weir**](https://youtu.be/AjlV1tIzSyo?t=2m55s) going balls out for the finish line when Weir amazingly pulled ahead as if jet propelled. Kili couldn’t restrain himself and cheered, his fist pumping the air.

Fili was as excited as he was. “Oh yeah!” he cheered. He looked at Kili, grinning. “You thinking about taking a shot at this? I think you’d be aces at it.”

Kili shrugged, casting a side glace at the screen where the fans were on their feet screaming and the racers were jockeying to high-five Weir. “Dunno. Maybe. It’s not easy.”

“I think it would be brilliant, I mean, that is if you think it would be.” Fili wasn’t sure how to read his fiancé.

“I met a girl at therapy who races,” Kili admitted. “It got me sort of thinking about it.”

Fili got a mental vision of Kili bent over, hands hammering at his wheels driving himself faster and faster. He had to admit the thought turned him on a little. He wanted to be one of those people at the edge of the track screaming encouragement. “What do you have to do? To get started, I mean.” His eyes were sparkling with enthusiasm. “How can I help?”

For some reason that surprised Kili. “You’d want to help?”

“Yeah, it’d be fun. I need some training too. If you’re gonna be able to do that I’ll need to buff up a little,” he said with a wink. “And I’ll need to know a lot more about this sport. Never been much interested in sports before but this is fucking awesome.”

He looked past Kili to the computer. “Are there any more videos?”

They watched racing videos and Kili alternated between excitement and periods of quiet, when the thought of the meeting with Father Grey bubbled to the surface. Fili fixed breakfast while Kili was dressing and they sat down to eat.

The blond swallowed a bite of egg and looked at his fiancé. Kili was eating slowly, without his usual gusto. Fili couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He had his car and had maybe discovered a way to get back to racing, but he looked like someone who was having his last meal.

Finally he spoke up. “What’s the matter, babe?”

The brunet shifted uncomfortably. “I meet with Father Grey tonight.”

Fili’s eyes widened. He got up and came over to slide his arms around Kili. “I forgot it was tonight. I’m so sorry. I feel like an arse. Is there anything I can do?”

Kili stared at his congealing eggs. “Kill me,” he replied, only half kidding.

“Nope. Not gonna happen,” Fili said resolutely. “I’d miss ya too much. I’m sappy that way,” he teased as he tucked his fingers into the back of Kili’s chair and pulled him away from the table.

“Hey!” The Irishman hated having anyone move him. He pushed forward to get away from Fili and hit the table hard enough to nearly send his plate flipping onto his chest.

“Sorry,” Fili said, the word spoken with an expression that said he was anything but. “I wanna go to the beach. I’ve been wanting to go for days but the bloody rain wouldn’t let up. It’s sunny today and I think you need beach.”

Heavy brows furrowed, casting brown eyes into a black shadow. “What I need is to be left the fuck alone.”

“To wallow in your own misery,” Fili responded, far too brightly. “I think not. Beach.”

He leaned over Kili’s shoulder and whispered in his ear. “Beach.”

Kili shook his head.

“Beach.”

“ _Beach_.”

Shake harder.

“BEACH!”

Fili was standing there grinning, eyes bright, mustache braids swaying, his dimples so deep they were dark on his cheeks. Perfect lips revealing perfect teeth. Gorgeous as fuck and not to be denied.

Kili started to shake his head again and then burst out laughing. “You evil fucker! Get away from me! Stop trying to make me smile. Leave me alone to ‘wallow in my misery’.”

Fili laughed and did an impromptu dance, singing the chorus from Banoefee’s “Let’s Go to the Beach.”

 _I know, I know, I_  
I'm so much better  
LET'S GO TO THE BEACH  
I know, I know, I  
I'm so much better  
LET'S GO TO THE BEACH

 _I'll be your friend, I'll be your friend_  
LET'S GO TO THE BEACH

Kili threw a piece of toast at him. “Alright, alright. I’d do anything if it will only shut you the fuck up.”

He couldn’t help it, he was laughing at Fili, who was now prancing around the kitchen looking like a spastic Egyptian who was trying to learn to swim.

“Just promise me you won’t walk like that at the beach.”

Smiling happily now that he had gotten his way, he cheerfully agreed. “Okay, no stupid dances on the beach. I’m a Kiwi, I crave sun and sand and my boyfriend’s hot arse next to me.”

“Your fiancé,” Kili corrected.

“Yankin’ on the leash a bit, are ya?” Fili replied with a proper Dublin accent.

“Just a bit. I don’t want you to forget who your fine blond arse belongs to.”

There was an immediate snuggle attack from the rear with Fili burrowing down into Kili’s wild mane. “Like I could.” He nipped the Irishman’s ear, making him squeak. “If I get ‘Property of Kili Oakenshield’ tattooed on my arse will that make you happy?”

The reply was a muffled giggle. “I don’t think your arse is wide enough for all that.”

“If I keep sitting on it and not going swimming it will be. Now get your trunks on and let’s go.”

There was a long silence. “I don’t have any swim trunks.”

“Shorts then.”

“How am I supposed to get into the water?”

Fili groaned and pretended to pound his head on the wall. “If you don’t want to go to the beach, just say so.”

“I thought that’s what I’d been doing.” Kili stuck his lower lip out and looked petulant. He looked about five, and Fili thought it was adorable. He also knew he’d get smacked if he said so.

“You can drive and take your new car,” Fili teased. He picked up the Irishman’s keys off the table and dangled them temptingly. “A nice drive along the coast. Free as a bird. Wind in your hair. Bugs in your teeth…”

“That was with the bike you Kiwi arsehole,” he laughed, rolling over to grab for his precious keys. “I think I can do without that last part.”

He stowed the keys in his pocket and grinned. “When we had night races or demos I swear I ate a dozen bugs every time. The little ones are bad enough but the ones that fucking crunch are disgusting.”

He made a retching sound and Fili burst out laughing. “Every time I see a video of yours now I’m gonna be thinking about that.”

“I’d prefer it if you didn’t.” Kili wheeled into the bedroom and changed into a T-shirt that didn’t have a spot of egg on it. He swore that his chest was a food magnet. He never seemed to be able to eat without spilling something on himself. He chose the white one that was emblazoned with green and gold knotwork and the words: “Surf Ireland’s Copper Coast” in both English and Gaelic. It seem appropriate for going to the beach. No swim trunks though. He wasn’t going to be lugged into the water like a child.

Kili didn’t want to admit it, but he was eager to get away and think of anything besides talking to Father Grey. He couldn’t imagine that it was going to go well. Thorin hadn’t looked cheerful when they talked, but maybe, just maybe he was being neutral. The Irishman shrugged. He was expecting a quiet serious talk about this soul, his life choices and what he must give up in order to restore peace in his family.

He cast a glance toward the living room. He couldn’t give Fili up. He just couldn’t. The Kiwi was everything he’d ever dreamed of and never imagined he could ever have. Not only was he physically gorgeous, but he was kind and generous. He was truly a gentle man. Until they’d met Kili had never realized how starved his heart was for love. The thought of life without Fili brought him close to panic. He sat quietly for a moment, taking deep breaths and reminding himself that he was projecting. He had no idea what the priest was going to say. Thorin hadn’t been unhappy about the proposal—well, except that it was too soon--but he would have been if Kili was expected to give up his lover. Wouldn’t he?

Fili came into the bedroom to see what was taking so long and immediately found himself wrapped in a tight embrace that nearly took his legs out from under him.

“Hey! Whoa! What’s the matter?” He had to do a little dance to keep his balance, especially since Kili wasn’t letting go. He’d seen a spider monkey cling like this once in a nature show, but thought he probably shouldn’t share that comparison.

“Are you okay?” He angled toward the bed and collapsed.

The thundercloud on Kili’s face said that things were not fine, but the Irishman conjured a smile that didn’t quite make it to his eyes. “Yeah. I just missed you.”

“You’ve been in here like five minutes tops, mate.”

Kili took a breath and tried to get his eyebrows to behave. “I’m just happy to be in love with someone who loves me enough to drag my sorry arse out of here instead of letting me sit around and whine.”

Fili rose up on one elbow and reached out to stroke Kili’s hair, pulling a stray lock out of the collar of his shirt. “I do love you. And I do think you need to get out of here for awhile.” He gently scratched a finger on the brunet’s stubble. “No swimming, just a nice ride in your new car and lunch we can share with the gulls.”

“I’d just as soon the birds get their own lunch,” Kili replied. He wasn’t nearly as fond of gulls as Fili was. Maybe in New Zealand they had better manners.

“Okay, they’re on their own today.” Fili adjusted his position so that he could see Kili better. “I was looking at places on line and Skerries Beach is accessible and has a place that has craft beer and gourmet burgers.”

“You really know right where to get me, don’t you?”

“Mmm hmm, that I do.”

“You look insufferably pleased with yourself.”

“Do I?”

“You do. You are going to force me to kiss you if you keep it up.”

“Would that be bad?”

“Terrible. The worst,” Kili said softly as he leaned over and claimed those soft pink New Zealand lips.

They didn’t speak for several minutes. Kissing properly took concentration and dedication, something that neither of them lacked.

When they came up for air, Kili was smiling, his mood considerably lighter. He kissed the Kiwi on the tip of the nose. “I don’t mind if you go swimming, you know.”

“Naw, not without you. We’ll do it someday though, just not today. Today I want to sit with you in the sun, watch the ocean and just be happy.”

It took Kili a moment to reply. “I’d like that a lot.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

The drive out of Dublin was the usual for big cities, too much traffic, too many idiot drivers, but once they got onto M1 it was much easier. Kili handled the car with practiced ease, managing the hand controls as if he’d always used them. For a time Fili was fascinated by it, but then relaxed and looked at the scenery. He thought that he’d never get enough of Ireland. Everywhere he looked there was something interesting.

Kili was having the time of his life. He’d never realized how much he missed driving. The freedom was intoxicating. He felt as if he could drive forever. The little blue Honda Civic handled like a dream, easily taking him to the speed limit and then a bit over. He didn’t want to be stopped on his first real drive, so he dropped the speed back down and relaxed. He glanced over at Fili, who winked at him. He grinned and turned the radio on, humming along to Ed Sheeran.

It only took a half an hour to drive to Skerries, but the moment he saw it Fili was in love. It was quaint in the best possible use of the term. The buildings along the pier were wood and each one was a different color making them look like something out of a scenic painting. The harbor was a mix of old and new with fishing boats docked alongside expensive pleasure boats. He nearly went out the window when they passed a windmill and Kili quickly found parking so that his drooling partner could go and photograph it.

Fili was out the door and practically at a dead run before Kili managed to snap his chair together. He was feeling a little deserted until he saw Fili’s face as he took shot after shot. The Kiwi was having the time of his life. The mill had a tour and Kili booked Fili in for it even though he couldn’t go himself. Watching his partner’s face as he marveled at it all and took photos made it worth it.

Kili puttered around the first floor looking at the souvenirs in the gift shop and reading the signs that told about the mill. The little café sold pastries made from the flour that the mill ground, so Kili bought a selection for them to snack on and got himself a cup of tea to go with the raspberry scone that he couldn’t resist. If Fili got treats, then so did he.

He was done with his snack by the time Fili returned, grinning and talking a mile a minute about all the great shots he took up on the fourth floor overlooking the harbor. Kili watched and listened and thought that they were going to have to do this more often. He’d promised to show Fili around and hadn’t done nearly enough of that. He was definitely letting the angst get to him and that had to stop.

Kili produced the bag of treats and Fili removed a cookie, bit into it and sighed with pure bliss. “Peanut butter, my favorite.”

He grabbed a couple of cans of Coke and the two of them headed back out to the car. “I want to go sit by the water for awhile. I left you alone for too long.”

That admission made Kili smile, but he shook his head. “I had plenty to do and I never bothered to go up there when I could walk, so I don’t feel like I missed anything, mate. But I like the idea of sitting by the water. There’s a long pier down a bit that would do us fine.”

They parked and headed for the deserted pier. There was a bench at the very end. Fili took a seat and Kili pulled up beside him. The sea was calm and lapped softly against the pylons. They sat quietly for a time, the gulls overhead their only company.

Fili took a sip of his Coke and looked over at Kili. “Talk to me. We do everything there is together, but we don’t talk.”

The Irishman shrugged. “I don’t know what to say. What do you want to know?”

An exasperated sigh was his answer. “It’s not about me grilling you, it’s about you volunteering information because you want to share it with me. I don’t want to have to pry things out of you and that’s what I always feel like I’m doing.”

“I don’t know how.” Kili’s voice was quiet and without emotion. His every instinct was to shut down and keep everything he was feeling to himself. He’d spent so much time in a culture of manning-up, sucking it up, and thinking only whiners complained that he didn’t know how to share the fear that was eating him up.

Fili squeezed his hand. “Why not just start with telling me how you feel right now?”

Kili squeezed back. “I’m afraid.” He looked at his fiancé, dark eyes shadowed by heavy brows. “I’m afraid that I’m going to lose…you…my mum…everything. I feel like it’s all going to be pulled out from under me.”

He blinked a tear away and then dug his knuckles into his eye. He hated to cry and yet he seemed to burst into tears at the drop of a hat. He was a raw nerve ending, irritated and painful, abraded by the slightest thought. Since his accident his tear ducts seemed to be directly connected to his emotions with no filter.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Fili promised.

Kili nodded and squeezed his hand tighter. “This last year has been a nightmare. I’m so tired. I just want things to go back to the way they were. That’s stupid, isn’t it?”

“I think it makes perfect sense.”

“I’ve made so many bad choices and decisions. Now when I think I’ve made a good one it’s all coming apart.” He looked out over the ocean and then at Fili. This beautiful man who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with was the most precious thing on earth. He’d do anything to keep him, even walk away from his mother if he had to.

Fili saw the look on Kili’s face, as his emotions morphed from one to another and ended up stricken, eyes tearing up against his will. Before he could say anything, Kili continued.

“I haven’t been a very good person, but I’m trying so hard to make up for it. I don’t want to lose my mum, but I can’t lose you. I can’t go back to when I was laying in the hospital wishing I would die.”

Fili spun on the bench and gathered Kili into his arms. He had no answers. All he could do was love him with all his heart.

“I’m not going anywhere. Your mum isn’t going anywhere. We are going to get this mess straightened out. You’ll see.”

Kili sniffed hard. “I’m tired of being scared and feeling like I have no control. I don’t know how to get any control.”

Fili hugged him harder. “I don’t know, either. Maybe you can find something to do for yourself that doesn’t depend on others.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Well, when you were racing it was up to you to be the best, you were the one in control. If you didn’t practice, you didn’t win. Maybe you need that back again.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m afraid to try.”

“Why?”

Kili just looked at him.

“Why are you afraid to try? All you can do is suck and you never sucked at anything in your life.” Fili was very matter-of-fact. He’d seen the look on his fiancé’s face when he was watching the video. He missed that adrenaline high, the feeling of pushing himself hard and then even harder. Since the accident everything had been done to him or for him. Maybe it was time for him to get back in the saddle and do things for himself.

“I’m afraid I’ll lose?” It ended up being more of a question.

“Yup, you’ll get your arse kicked a few times, maybe more than a few times, but you’ll get better because that’s what you do.” He sat up, but kept an arm around Kili’s shoulder. “That bloke that sits around the flat and goes to therapy, that’s not you. That’s what you’ve had to be for a while, but I’m thinking that it’s time that ended.”

“I wouldn’t be home as much and I’ll be tired.” He looked down at his feet. “And I’ll probably be bitchy sometimes.”

“So what? I think I can survive some time alone, a lack of sex and putting up with your shit moods. If it means you get back to being yourself.”

In spite of himself, Kili started to laugh. “You’re a nutter.”

“I am that. Completely off my rocker.” He leaned over and planted a kiss on Kili’s lips. “About you, ya dumb arse. I think it would be amazing to be there and watch you race.”

“Even if I lose?”

“Well, if you lose I’ll have to console you.” Fili’s voice dropped to a sexy whisper accompanied by a wink. “And if you win, we get to celebrate. Either way, it’s win/win.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

The day went splendidly with lunch on the beach and Fili feeding half his fries to the gulls. He liked those cheeky buggers, besides he didn’t want to be getting fat if Kili was going to be hitting the gym. Might as well toss the calories to something that needed them more than he did.

Skerries was incredibly picturesque and Fili took so many pictures he’d be a month sorting them all. But best of all, Kili didn’t fuss when the camera swung his way. For the first time he let himself be photographed without complaint. The Kiwi took a number of shots of him against the backdrop of the ocean, hair blowing in the wind, looking pensive and once, grinning back at the camera.

Fili wanted to have dinner at one of the tempting restaurants in town, but stopped hinting when he realized that the stress was starting to mount and Kili wouldn’t be able to enjoy the meal. Kili had lost his smile and was worrying his beard constantly, as if he had no idea what to do with his hands.

“It’s still a long time until your meeting with the Father,” Fili finally said as Kili checked his watch again.

“I know. I’m nervous. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what he will say.”

Fili smiled gently. “You know that Thorin would never have recommended him if he thought he was going to cause problems. I understood you to say that Thorin no longer goes to church, so this priest must be someone special to have earned his trust.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I can trust Thorin. He heaved a sigh trying to make himself relax a little. I just hope Mum is willing to listen to him.” He fidgeted, picking at his beard until Fili reached out and took his hand.

He looked up into clear blue eyes. “She might not trust him.”

“He’s the Dean of St. Audoen's Church, that should count for something.”

Kili shrugged. “Maybe. It’s the oldest church in Dublin, so maybe you’re right and that will count for something with her. She likes history.”

“And she loves you.”

Kili stopped and looked up at Fili. “I know she does. I just don’t know if she can live with who I am, though.”

Fili squeezed his shoulder in support, but remained silent. He had no idea what to say. All he could do was be there for Kili.

They went a little further down the pier looking at everything and being touristy, when Fili looked down the street and pointed. “I know you’re not hungry, but would you be up for a little ice cream?”

The sudden change of subject baffled Kili for a moment until he saw where Fili was pointing. There was a wee building that looked as if it was a confection itself. The sign on the front proudly proclaimed “Storm in a Teapot Ice Cream.” There were people coming out with big smiles and even bigger cones and dishes piled high with ice cream and whipped topping. He suddenly realized that ice cream would be very good indeed.

Fili, of course, shot a number of photos of the place and could barely tear himself away long enough to order. They had an amazing selection for such a tiny place and it took a few moments to decide what to get, but finally they came away with an Oreo Galore with mint ice cream for Kili and a Banoffee Pie sundae for Fili.

Kili paid and Fili carried their treasures to an adorable pink bench next to the building that an older couple was just vacating. Fili sat down and Kili surprised him by whipping out his phone and taking a photo of him taking his first bite and moaning.

“It’s only fair,” the Irishman teased, aiming the phone again. Fili laughingly agreed and posed for him. Kili almost immediately embarrassed him by taking one of him sensuously licking the spoon as his phone desktop.

“What if someone sees?” The plaint was drawn out, but ended in a giggle.

“Who’s going to see my bloody phone?” Kili countered. “I’m going to look at this before I walk into Father Grey’s office to remind myself why I can survive it.”

“You really are a heathen,” Fili laughed.

“The heathenest…now gimme a bite of your ice cream.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

The ride home was slow and quiet. Kili couldn’t even take pleasure in driving his new car. They kept the radio turned to a traditional station that played soft Irish ballads. Fili wasn’t sure that was the best choice of music, but Kili had deliberately chosen it and it did suit the somber mood in the little car.

They arrived home and went in, maintaining the mood set in the car. Fili tried to think of something to say, but his brain wouldn’t oblige and in the end he watched Kili slowly wheel into the bedroom and shut the door.

The Irishman pulled a pair of black jeans from his drawer and threw them on the bed. He lifted himself up and went through the routine of removing his shoes, slowly taking off his soccer pants, folding them and setting them at the foot of the bed before taking up his jeans. They required more work to get on, he had to roll a bit and tug and then haul motionless legs up, forcing the stiff fabric to bend, so that he could get his hightops on and get them tied.

He swung himself back into his chair and went to the closet. He wasn’t sure what to choose to wear. He wanted something conservative, but not too conservative. In the end he chose a green T-shirt with a golden square of knotwork in the center. He threw it over his lap and went into the bathroom to freshen up. When he emerged his hair was damp and caught back in a semi-neat bun. A few dark tendrils curled around his face making him look younger than his twenty-two years.

He looked longingly at the fridge. He really really needed a beer. Preferably two. But he couldn’t go to meet Father Grey smelling like a brewery. Fili came up behind him and bent down, sliding his arms around Kili from behind. Soft lips nibbled his hear and nuzzled against the back of his neck.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to at least ride along? You know, for moral support?”

The Irishman leaned back against him, his head moving slightly as he whispered, “No. I don’t think that’s the best idea. I need time to think, or if I can’t think I will just panic on my own for a bit.”

A soft kiss and a sigh. “I’m not sure I like the sound of that.”

“Me either, but I know I have to go alone.” He reached up and wound his arms around Fili’s shoulders, tipping his head back for an upside down kiss.

They both could have done this for the rest of the evening but finally it was time for them to part. Reluctantly, Fili stood up and held the door open. “Call me if you need me, yeah?”

Kili nodded. “Yeah.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

He fumbled the keys twice before he was able to get the car started. He sat there in the parking lot, his hands holding the steering wheel so hard they threatened to cramp. Slowly he made himself let go of the wheel and spent a couple of minutes flexing his fingers and taking deep breaths. He was so nervous that his breathing was ragged.

Flipping down the visor, he looked at himself in the mirror. He looked as if he were about to have a stroke. That image made him chuckle and he could feel some of the tension drain away.

“I’d better fuckin’ get it together before I show up and have a heart attack on his doorstep.” He shook his head and flipped the visor shut. “At least I’d get last rites.”

He laughed at himself and put the car into gear. He’d get through this. He had to for all their sakes.

The directions to the rectory were clear and he had no trouble finding it. There was even parking practically in front of the door. He sat there for a moment and then opened his phone and looked at the picture of Fili licking the spoon. It did make him feel better. He smiled and blew a little kiss at the screen. Tucking the phone away, he got out of the car and rolled up to the door. It hadn’t occurred to him about accessibility, but he saw there the doorway was level with the ground so it wasn’t an issue.

The Irishman paused for a moment before ringing the bell to the rectory. As a part of the church it was made of ancient stone, but the windows were framed by ivory lace curtains that made it seem less intimidating and more like a home. The light from within was golden and warm. He heaved a sigh and pressed the bell.

Almost instantly the door opened and a tall elderly man looked down at him. He was casually dressed in a pale blue shirt and black slacks and sported a full beard with a mustache that was curled up on the ends. It surprised Kili a bit that he was not wearing black with the collar. Kili tilted his head back and made eye contact. Kind grey eyes met his and the lined face broke into a gentle smile.

“Hello Kili, please come in.” He looked as old as God, with deep lines on either side of his mouth and a wealth of grey hair worn long enough to frame his face with waves.

Kili went in and waited to be directed. The tall man shut the door and smiled again. He extended his hand, “I’m Father Grey. I’m pleased you could make it.”

Kili shook his hand, noting that the priest’s grip was firm and lasted long enough to convey real pleasure at Kili’s arrival. “I didn’t feel as if I had much choice,” he admitted.

The priest nodded. “Honesty. I like that in a person.” His expression softened. “I don’t expect you did have a choice. However, I am still pleased that you are here. Come with me into the sitting room where we will not be disturbed.”

The Irishman followed him in, noting that the room was very old fashioned with dark wood paneling, heavy furniture with what looked like handmade lace doilies and antimacassars on the back of every chair. The room was quaint and smelled of the small bouquet of mixed roses that graced the center of the small table. Next to the roses was a teapot wrapped in lavender cozy and two cups. There was also a selection of tea biscuits artfully arranged.

Father Grey saw where Kili was looking and smiled warmly. “My housekeeper, Mrs. O’Brien, likes to see things set up just so. She’s a bit of an old fuss, I’m afraid. She’s been housekeeper here for nearly fifty years, so she feels as if she owns the place. The curtains and doilies were all made by her grandmother, so I expect it’s only right that this feels like her house.”

In spite of the dark paneling, the room was well lit, the yellowed shades on the antique lamps casting a warm glow. There were books everywhere, shelves of them along the wall, stacked on a cluttered desk and even a pile of them on the floor. Father Grey looked a bit embarrassed at the clutter.

“In spite of Mrs. O’Brien’s incessant fussing I do rather scatter things around.” He used his foot to surreptitiously push a stack of books behind his chair.

“Have you read all of these?” Kili asked, impressed by the priest’s library.

“Oh yes, some of them several times.” His smile was slightly apologetic. “But I have had quite a long time to do so. They are old friends and at my age the more old friends you have the better.”

He walked over and removed the cozy from the teapot, carefully pouring tea into two over-sized cups rather than fine china as Kili would have expected. The priest set the cup on a plate and piled on a handful of assorted biscuits and scones. He held it out to Kili.

“Come over and sit by me. I find that talking is always easier with tea and treats.” He motioned to the area next to the table, so Kili obediently swung his chair into place.

 

 

He didn’t really feel like eating anything, his stomach was in knots, but he picked up the mug out of habit and took a sit before he remembered that he hadn’t added any sugar. He tried unsuccessfully to keep from making a face as he reached for the sugar.

Father Grey chuckled and nodded. “Go ahead and sweeten it. I find that I like my tea quite sweet as well these days.”

Kili spooned it a bit less sugar than he normally took, feeling uncomfortable at the thought of using a quarter of the sugar bowl. He took a sip and found that it was quite good. Lady Grey, he guessed, with something extra, possibly lavender. The thought made him sad. His mother always added lavender to tea.

The priest noted Kili’s change of expression and set his own mug of tea down. “I am very glad that you consented to come tonight. I know this must be very difficult for you. Your uncle said that it was quite the row over dinner and that none of you handled it particularly well. Now we have three people all closed off and hurting.”

He cocked his head and looked at Kili. His eyes were very kind and slightly sad. “What do you think we can do to solve this dilemma?”

Kili put his tea down as well and sat with his hands in his lap, looking for all the world like a small boy in church, trying to be on best behavior and worried that he would muck it up somehow.

He couldn’t make himself look at the priest. “I don’t know. I’ve thought about it for hours and I don’t know what I can say to her. I wish I hadn’t been so stupid and so selfish. I knew my grandfather hated Thorin for being gay. It never occurred to me to think about how my mother felt about it, or how she would feel about me.”

He clenched his hands, nails biting into his palms. “I was always so selfish, so busy getting what I wanted that I never thought about her.”

The priest looked at him sympathetically. “While it’s true that you didn’t think about your mother, it’s also true that she didn’t give you cause to consider her feelings. This is not your fault alone, my dear boy. It takes two to make this big a mess of things. She should have said that your behavior made her uncomfortable instead of hiding her feelings.”

“But,” Kili interjected, “she wasn’t the one at fault. It was me and my selfishness that upset her so much.”

“Your mother is an adult. It was up to her to act like one instead of repeating her father’s behavior. It’s unfortunate that instead of being honest, she repressed her objections to your sexuality until it turned poisonous for you both.”

Kili was horrified that Father Grey was blaming his mother. “No, it was me. I was the one who was wrong.” He flung his arm out, knocking against his cup of tea, setting it rocking noisily on the saucer.

To his amazement the priest met his outcry with a gentle smile. “Would it surprise you to hear that your mother that said exactly those same words?”

He leaned forward and placed a hand on Kili’s arm. “There is plenty of blame to go around, but it must be laid in the proper place and that is at the feet of a man who is no longer here to accept it.”

“What do you mean? I don’t understand.”

“Your grandfather was a hard man who had a very narrow view of life. Anything that did not fit that view was bent until it did, or destroyed. He did his level best to destroy your uncle and when that didn’t work, he set about bending his other two children.”

His face took on an angry expression heightened by the shadows of the lamps. “Frerin wouldn’t be bent and so he drove him away to his destruction. That left only your mother. Gentle and tender, she had no defense against him. She left and tried to make her own life, but she was still a child and the life she chose would have broken a grown man, let along a little girl.”

Kili looked up with moist eyes. “I know she went through some bad times. She didn’t talk about it. I only know a little because of what Uncle Thorin told me.”

He doubled over in his chair and then straightened up. “I should have been able to do something.”

The priest shook his head. “You weren’t even conceived, my boy. You can’t take responsibility for something that happened before you were born.”

His look of sadness held such gentleness that it gripped Kili’s heart. “You were the best thing that ever happened to your mother. Did you know that your grandfather demanded that she abort you?”

Kili gasped in surprise, his eyes widening at the thought of his grandfather demanding that of his child.

“She refused, of course. Not only was he asking her to commit a mortal sin, but she already loved you. She would have died to protect you. Her baby was the one thing in life given to her by someone who loved her. You were more precious than anything in the world to her. She had known precious little love in her life. Your father was one of the few people who had ever put her before himself. It is a tragedy that he was lost to her so soon.”

Tears rolled freely down Kili’s cheeks and the priest handed him a box of tissues, waiting patiently as he composed himself.

“You were loved so much, Killian. She still does. You are still her life. She was repeating old scripts when she became upset. In her distress she became her father for a few minutes, saying all the things she’d heard him say over and over when she was growing up.”

“I can’t imagine how she lived with all that hate,” Kili said quietly.

Father Grey shrugged his shoulders and heaved a sigh. “I don’t think anyone can. Listening to her talk I was amazed at how strong she had to be to have stood up to him and raised you. And she did it without infecting you with his prejudices. She’s an amazing woman.”

He got up and came over to Kili. Kneeling in front of him, he looked into the Irishman’s eyes. “And she raised an amazing son.”

Instantly Kili was leaning forward, throwing his arms around the priest’s shoulders, burying his face into soft silver hair and crying as his heart broke and then started to mend a little.

Father Grey stayed on his knees holding Kili, letting him cry it out. That one man had succeeding in causing so much pain was truly tragic.

When Kili hiccupped, trying to get his breath back, the priest, patted his back gently. “There, there, you earned a good cry. Let the tears wash away the pain. You’re a good lad, never forget that.”

It took a few more minutes before Kili was able to sit up. He blew his noise noisily and looked at the tissues in his lap. The priest held out a wastebasket and he dumped them in, with his eyes downcast. He stared at the pattern on the tissue box, tapping it nervously with his thumb.

Father Grey rose and pulled his chair up close to Kili. He sat down and patted the boy’s arm. “I know it’s just words right now, but everything is going to work out. You and your mother love each other, so it can’t work out any other way.”

Kili gave a ragged sigh and cleared his throat. “Does she…do I have to…uh…am I supposed to…give up my boyfriend?” His eyes started to fill with tears again.

“Fili and I are engaged. Well, it’s too soon and we both know that, but he asked me and I said yes. I love him so much. He’s perfect. He’s the best man ever, so gentle and loving. He’s funny and he’s sweet and kind and talented too. He’s a painter and he’s kinda famous, met royals and all that. I love him and he loves me and he doesn’t care that I’m in this bloody chair and he just wants to be a family and I want to be a family too but I don’t want to lose my mum and…”

He ran out of words and sat there panting, his eyes wide and wild.

Father Grey was smiling. “Your Fili must be a very special young man.”

Kili nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, he is.”

“And you want your mother to know how special he is.”

Another quick nod. “Yeah. I wanted to tell her at dinner, but she got upset and I didn’t get the chance and now I might never get the chance.” He ran out of steam and sat twisting a tissue to shreds.

“Never say never. She’s having a hard time because she has a lifetime of prejudice to overcome, but trust me when I say that the woman who defied her father to give you life will never turn her back on you. She might be upset and not understand some things yet, but she could no more walk away from you than she could cut her own arm off.”

Father Grey smiled gently. “She’s listening when I talk to her. I gave her some literature and she is reading it. We are discussing many things, from homosexuality, to the church to the misconceptions she was raised with. She’s learning a whole new paradigm and is having to leave forty years of misinformation and beliefs behind. It’s not an easy task, but she’s up to it.

“She wants me to tell you that she loves you and, no matter what, she’ll never stop loving you.”

Kili stopped shredding the tissue. “Would you tell her I said the same thing. If I could I would stop being gay and be who she wants me to be.”

“She doesn’t want that, Kili. She wants you to be yourself. She’s aware that she is the one with the problem and she’s working it through.”

“When can I see her?” In his eagerness he dropped shreds of tissue onto the floor and then scrambled to retrieve them.

“Leave it Kili, it will make Mrs. O’Brien happy to have something to actually clean up. You can’t see her just yet, but soon. She’s working at understanding you, but most important she’s working at understanding herself.”

Ignoring the priest, Kili forced himself to pick up the scraps, giving himself time to compose and think.

He sat up and deposited the tissue in the wastebasket. “But her understanding won’t change the fact that I’m gay and the Church doesn’t exactly approve of homosexuality.”

“The church is evolving,” Father Grey said quietly. “Change is slow, but it’s coming. The Church does not reject science—at least not any more,” he amended with a wry smile, “and studies are providing more and more evidence to prove that homosexuality is not a choice, it’s as much a part of you as your DNA.”

“Do you think there’s a chance my mum could ever see it that way?” Kili asked hopefully.

The priest nodded, “Yes, I believe she is coming to that conclusion. Between our talks and the information I gave her to read she has a much better understanding than she did before. What is difficult for her is to separate the prejudice and misinformation she got at home and on the streets from Church dogma and then let herself understand the medical information. It’s a lot to process.

“Her biggest concerns are for your soul and your health. By having only one healthy partner you can alleviate the latter and I will work on the former.” He winked at Kili, who immediately grinned in return.

“Where do we go from here?” Kili picked up a scone and nibbled on it, the release of tension reminding him that he had not been able to eat dinner.

“I am meeting with her weekly. I’ve talked to your uncle twice and we have another meeting scheduled. I’d like to see you again and then perhaps your young man could come to the meeting after that.”

He saw the look of dismay at the length of time he was proposing. “I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix everything, but I’m afraid this isn’t a movie. You will just have to continue to have patience. I have no doubt that this will be settled in time and that some day you will all look back on it as a small bump in the road.”

“When should we meet again?”

”If this is a good day and time I could see you again next week.” The priest stood up and, to Kili’s surprise, piled the remaining treats into a napkin. He folded it up and held it out to the Irishman.

“Really, you must take them. I know you haven’t eaten and I certainly don’t need them. I’m afraid my housekeeper can be a regular Mrs. Doubtfire if we don’t eat every morsel.” He smiled winningly, making Kili laugh.

He took the scones and then held out his hand. Father Grey shook it and then led him to the door.

Once in the car, Kili shoved an entire scone into his mouth and set the others where he could reach them during traffic stops. Trying to manage hand-controls while he ate wasn’t something he was willing to try yet.

Fili heard the elevator and had the door open waiting for him. His look of concern turned to a smile when he saw the bright look on Kili’s face.

“It looks like it went okay,” he said, resisting the urge to grab Kili and hold him.

“Yeah. Much better than I thought. You’ll like Father Grey. I can see why Thorin and Bilbo go to church there. He looks older than God and I think he must be just about as smart. He didn’t even talk about religion except how the Church is changing.”

He looked up at Fili with a sassy smile. “And he wants to meet you.”

“Me?” Fili was taken aback. “I’m not much of a one for church going and I’m not Catholic.”

“Naw, it’s not about that. I told him you were kinda the most wonderful man in the world and I think he wants to see for himself.”

The look on Fili’s face made Kili burst out laughing. “I did sort of over-sell you, but everything I said was true. You are the most wonderful man in the world and I do love you very very much.”

Blue eyes got a little misty and Fili leaned down to kiss his lovely Irishman tenderly. “I love you too, babe.” He slid his arms around Kili. “I love you so much.”

“Good,” Kili piped because I’m starving and I demand that you take me out and feed me.”

The switch from maudlin to demanding made Fili backpedal quickly. He laughed. “Is there anything else your highness desires?”

Kili looked up at him with a sinful grin and a wink. “Oh yes, tons more, but all of it has to be done in private or they’ll never let us back in the restaurant.”

“Restaurant? Who needs a restaurant?” Fili pulled out his phone. “Why don’t I order a pizza and we can see what comes first – you or the pie?”

 


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, it had to happen sooner or later. But at least they both survived. Life has been very stressful for them both lately, although they would never admit it. Fortunately there is hot chocolate and chocolate scones and a priest with a patient ear and a large shoulder.
> 
> I added a couple of lines in Father Grey's conversation with Kili that accidentally got left out between the finished chapter and the one Kelly betaed for me. 
> 
> If a certain scene concerns you, please go down and read the Comments. There is some discussion that I believe needs to be understood by anyone wondering why Kili acts the way he does and Fili's reaction to it. I haven't really gone into that much discussion about some of the less pleasant consequences of catastrophic disability and the following discussions will make it more understandable for my readers. I thank you all for your participation in this story and I welcome questions, critiques and disagreements. This story is a living entity and you are all helping it to evolve.

  

The week had evaporated. Kili and Bofur discussed getting starting with new exercises to get him in shape to train for racing. He’d thought he was in pretty good condition, but quickly found that he apparently had no idea what “good condition” really meant. He’d taken Bofur’s advice and joined the National Aqua Centre so that he could add swimming to his exercise program. He’d only been once, sneaking out without Fili knowing, because if he was going to drown he was damn sure not going to do it with an audience. It went better than he expected, but added an extra layer of ache to already sore muscles.

He lay in bed doing stretches listening to the carpenters in the loo. Work had progressed surprisingly fast and all that remained was to repair some of the tile on the walls and floor. As he pulled his stiff leg up to his chest Kili mused on how nice it was be to be able to take a dump in his own home. The little things that everyone else took for granted suddenly took on a good deal more significance when you couldn’t just run over on two good legs and do them.

He dropped his leg as a thought occurred to him. _His own home_ …

He was lying in bed in his _own home._

He had been the one to pay for the renovations and it felt good to be contributing. Fili was the one buying the building, but they’d discussed having Kili buy in for half once they were married. Neither wanted to rope the other into anything, preferring their commitment to progress slowly, and what Fili termed “naturally.” At this point they’d agreed that marriage was a “when” and not an “if.”

He picked up his other leg and pulled it hard against his chest, feeling the tension of his abs and knowing his butt muscles were equally tense. He had to loosen up. With the extra work he was doing his body was rebelling and his daily routine of stretching wasn’t cutting it anymore. He hated to even think about asking Fili to do more for him. Things were still a little tense between them.

Kili sighed and tugged his leg harder. Their first fight had been unpleasant to say the least, and stupid. Yeah, completely stupid. Worse, it was his fault.

By Sunday he’d been completely knackered. Kili felt like he’d already run a marathon and hurt in places he hadn’t even known he had. When his morning stretches had failed to loosen him up, with the stall complete, he’d opted for a shower in their new bathroom.

Worried when he saw the Irishman have difficulty transferring, Fili had helped him into the shower chair from the bed and rolled him across the hall. Normally Kili would have stripped on the bed, gotten into his own chair, wheeled to the loo and then transferred himself to the shower chair. But his shoulders were refusing to cooperate and he’d found he couldn’t lift himself at all. He loathed accepting so much help, but he’d reminded himself that he knew he was going to hurt and it wasn’t like this level of disability was going to last very long.

Fili had been so gentle with him, helping him into the shower chair, stripping to get in with him and then rubbing Kili’s stiff shoulders for what seemed like hours. It felt so good, with the hot water streaming over him, that he let the Kiwi massage him until Fili’s fingers started to cramp. The Irishman was immediately sorry and took Fili’s hands in his own to work the kinks out.

“Promise you’ll never do that again,” Kili said, kissing each finger separately.

Fili just laughed and shook his head. I’ll do whatever you need. You’ve been in so much pain for the last few days.”

“But there’s no need for you to join me,” Kili chastised softly.

Smiling, the blond bent over and kissed Kili gently at first and then with greater heat as his tongue traced the Irishman’s cupid’s bow. Kili parted his lips, inviting the kiss and meeting Fili’s tongue with his own. He licked, tasting Fili’s own unique flavor, savoring it as he felt the heat rise between them. It was a sweet tease and a promise. Enjoying himself, Kili leaned back and was abruptly reminded that his back was out of commission until further notice.

The instant he stiffened, Fili released him, a question on his face. “Did that hurt?”

“Not the kiss, my back is still killing me.” He stretched first one shoulder, then the other, trying to pull the muscles out of the cramp they were threatening.

“Is it your spine?” The tone was a little fearful. Fili still didn’t really understand Kili’s injury and it was always in the back of his mind that he might accidentally hurt his partner.

‘Naw. Well yeah, a little, I guess. Mostly it’s all muscle spasm. I worked too hard this week. Bofur kept warning me, but I’m a hard-headed bog-trotter and I had to do that second set of reps. Mum always said to make a cake you have to break a few eggs.”

Fili’s eyes widened. “I don’t think she was talking about over-doing it at the gym.”

“Probably not,” Kili snorted, twisting his arm behind his neck and pulling on it with his other hand. “I feel like I broke at least a dozen this week.”

Fili watched his contortions dubiously. “Is that working?”

With a sigh, Kili admitted, “Not really. Grab me a towel, will ya? I need to get out of here.”

Fili helped dry his hair and back and then, leaving him in the shower chair, wheeled him next to the bed. He laid a large bath towel down and before Kili could say anything he was scooped up and laid on the towel.

“Hey! I can transfer myself!” he protested, a sharp edge to his voice.

Fili looked startled. “You couldn’t get down, so I didn’t think you could get up. I’m sorry, I’ll ask first next time.”

Heavy brows pulled down into a thunderous scowl. “There won’t be a next time. Fuck this! I’m crippling myself and I’m already a fucking cripple!” He snatched the smaller towel out of Fili’s hands and covered his crotch so that he didn’t feel so exposed.

“Please don’t talk like that.” Fili pushed the shower chair to one side and started to get the pile of Kili’s clothes from the top of the dresser. “You warned me that it was going to be like this. Your muscles will get stronger and…”

“Just fucking button it, alright!” Kili snapped. “I don’t want to hear any more platitudes, I’ve had a gut full of them.” His hands clenched into fists. “Everyone telling me it’s going to be all right. It’s not fucking going to be all right. It’s _never_ going to fucking be all right!”

Stunned by his outburst, Fili stepped back. “I’m sorry, I…”

Kili’s eyes darkened, his damp hair laying across his face giving him a feral look. His muscles corded as he tried to push himself into a sitting position. He could only manage to rise onto one elbow. It hurt to twist like that but be damned if he was bloody well going to lay flat like an invalid.

“I don’t want your fucking help and I don’t want your fucking pity. Everyone is always fucking sorry. I’m sorry too for all the good it does me. I’m broken and I hurt and I’m going to stay broken and hurting. All the ‘sorrys’ in the world won’t change that.”

“I know.” Fili’s voice was quiet, as he tried not to say the wrong thing again.

“Know?! You don’t _know_ anything! You don’t know what it’s like to wake up with people all looking down at you, your back on fire and you try to move and you can’t. You don’t know what it’s like to be told you will never walk again, or to have them cut into you even though they can’t fix you. You don’t know what it’s like to go through months of therapy knowing that the best you can hope for is to be able to piss and shit on your own!” Kili’s voice dripped venom. He was so angry he was spitting when he spoke.

Fili just looked at him, astonished at the depth of his anger.

“Don’t just stand there like a fucking idiot – get out! Leave me alone. Just leave me the hell alone!” Kili slammed his fist into the mattress in emphasis.

Fili turned away. “I’ll get your clothes, and you can get yourself dressed.”

“I don’t need you to get my fucking clothes!” Kili snarled. “I just need you to get the fuck out and leave me alone!”

His words fell like a lash across Fili’s back, hurting more than he thought possible. He found himself pulling inward trying to make himself as small a target as possible while Daniel yelled at him.

 _Daniel_.

This wasn’t Daniel – it was Kili.

It wasn’t going to start all over again. He couldn’t let it. He _couldn’t_ live like that again.

Fili straightened up and looked at Kili who was glaring angrily at him. “Don’t talk to me like that, Kili.”

The glare deepened. “I told you to get the fuck out. Take your camera with you and just go. Go anyplace that I’m not.”

“This is _my_ home,” Fili said evenly, looking at Kili, but not meeting his eyes. “This is _my_ bedroom. Do not order me out of my own home.”

Kili snorted, his lips twisting into an ugly smile. “So, I’m barely moved in and you’re already pulling the ownership card. I might have fucking known. I’m in _your_ house in _your_ bed. Well, la-dee-fucking-dah. In about five minutes I won’t be in it any more. I still have another two weeks on my lease, so I don’t have to take your shit.”

The Kiwi came around the bed with Kili’s clothes in his hands. He threw them on the bed next to him. His eyes were the color of ice. “I do _not_ have to let you talk to me this way. I meant that this is my home _too_ …as in also…as in we _share_ this place now.

“I know you’re in a lot of pain and I know it pisses you off, but you don’t have the right to take it out on me just because I’m a convenient target.”

He gripped the back of the shower chair, his nails gouging the plastic handles. “I love you, but I won’t let you abuse me.”

Kili had been going to snap off a sharp retort, but at the word “abuse” he swallowed it down, his eyes going wide. He looked up at Fili, the man he loved more than life itself and realized that he was abusing him. The blond’s eyes were brimming with tears and Kili was the one who put them there.

“Oh shit,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “I’m so sorry, Fili. I’m a prick and you don’t deserve to be talked to like this. I always said I’d die before hurting you and here at the first opportunity I’m a complete arsehole.”

“Yeah, you are,” Fili said, knuckling away the tears. “But you’re my arsehole.”

He shoved the chair away and sat next to Kili on the bed. Before his weight was fully lowered, the Irishman reached out and slid his arm around Fili. The blond sat there for a moment sadly looking downward. Kili laid his head against his fiancé’s shoulder, feeling as if his world had shattered.

 

 

 

“I love you,” he whispered over and over. “I’m so sorry. Don’t forgive me, I don’t deserve it, but let me make it up to you somehow.”

Fili’s face was awash with tears, but he managed a ragged chuckle. “I’ll hold you to that.”

“Anything, I’ll do anything,” Kili promised. “I’ll make you breakfast in bed for a month, I’ll give you a blowjob every morning, I’ll clean house while you paint.”

Fili turned to look at him and kissed the tip of his nose. “Blowjobs, huh?”

“Every morning.”

“For how long?”

The Irishman opened his eyes and saw that Fili was smiling at him.

“You’re pushing your luck,” Kili advised, making himself smile back.

Fili leaned down and kissed him on the tip of the nose. “I’ll settle for you getting dressed, me getting out the heating pad for your back and some pain medication for you and then maybe cuddling for a bit.”

“No blowjobs?”

Fili shook his head. “Not until you’re up for having me reciprocate.”

“What did I do to deserve you?”

“You’re not an arsehole most of the time.” Fili tried to sound flippant, but his voice was still shaky.

Kili, cupped the blond’s cheek in his hand, thumb stroking gently. “I need to be an arsehole _none_ of the time. You have to promise me something.”

“What’s that?” he asked, frowning slightly.

“If I ever talk to you like this again you have to stop me right away.” His dark eyes were serious, heavy brows pulled down to shadow the brown irises to black. “I have a bloody awful temper when I hurt. Even I don’t want to be around me. Please promise me you’ll tell me to fuck off and if I don’t shut up, you have my permission to slap me into next week.”

“Yeah, that’d be good. I’ll stop your violence with my own,” Fili replied sagely, lifting one eyebrow questioningly.

Kili paused. “Okay, I’ve now proven I can top being an arsehole by being King of the Idiots.”

Fili started to laugh and Kili joined him. The two of them sat there laughing uncontrollably until they were both breathless.

“I love you so much,” Kili finally managed to say. He grabbed Fili’s mustache braids and pulled him in for a long kiss, made difficult by the fact that neither of them had much breath left.

“I love you too,” Fili said, prying himself loose. “Now get dressed before you catch cold. I’ll be right back.”

Lying naked had allowed his muscles to stiffen and getting dressed was fairly unpleasant. He was ready for the cup of tea and the leftover strawberry scone from the batch that Bilbo had dropped off on Thursday. Fili plugged in the heating pad and threw it on the bed. He slid behind Kili to serve as a backrest so that he could sit up to have his snack. They’d both learned that prescription pain meds on an empty stomach was a very bad idea.

Fili sat and rubbed his fiancé’s shoulders. Kili groaned and stretched. If there was a heaven it would feel exactly like this. Suddenly feeling generous, he wanted to share his scone, but didn’t ask, he just thrust his hand backward and the Kiwi narrowly missed having it shoved in his eye.

“Hey, are you trying to blind me?”

“No,” Kili giggled. “I’m trying to feed you. It’s not my fault if your eye got in the way.”

“I don’t need random food shoved at me, you know.” He was so glad the tension between them had drained away that he was feeling giddy. He grabbed the scone and took a bite, then reached around and held out the remaining bit for Kili. The Irishman leaned forward and nibbled it, his tongue flicking out to tease Fili.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Fili whispered, leaning forward to nuzzle into Kili’s damp hair.

The brunet popped his pain pill into his mouth and washed it down. “Maybe when this takes effect.”

“I promise you a good time when you’re up to it, but I don’t think that’s going to be today.”

Fili pulled a quilt over them, but instead of laying his head on Kili’s shoulder, he pulled the pillow over and lay facing the Irishman. ‘I need you to tell me more about your injury and being in the hospital. I know you were pissed off, but you were right, I don’t know. I think we both need me to understand more about it.”

Kili frowned. “Are you sure? It’s depressing as hell.”

The blond leaned forward and kissed him. “I think we just proved that it’s important.”

They had talked all afternoon, slept for a while and then talked some more. Fili ordered Thai delivered and they talked until well after dark. He learned how it felt to be so frightened you thought the fear alone would kill you and how to get through an endless night when the pain medication wasn’t working. He learned how to deal with cranky nurses and ones who made passes at you and doctors who didn’t have time to talk to you, some because they couldn’t fix you and some because they’d forgotten how to care. He learned about catheters and bowel training and the misery of shitting yourself because the medication gave you diarrhea and how the orderly who came in to clean you up made you laugh and not feel completely broken. They cried and laughed, and Fili felt that he loved Kili so much he didn’t think his body could hold that much without exploding.

When Kili was all talked out, they made trips to the loo and then fell asleep in one another’s arms, feeling as if a huge hurdle had been cleared.

Kili did another stretch as he thought about it…about them. In past relationships--if you could call two and three night stands a “relationship”--he’d bailed at the slightest hint of irritation. Now he felt an overwhelming need to actually talk things out and smooth them over. He chuckled to himself. He’d never have guessed that he’d ever feel like that. He just wanted Fili to be happy. He’d been through so much and deserved a partner who loved him enough to be there for him, no matter what.

Kili let his leg fall, frowning slightly at it as it landed and collapsed bonelessly with his ankle slightly twisted. He heaved himself up, grabbed his leg and straightened it out. He hated being paralyzed. When he was in rehab he’d gotten frustrated enough to throw an actual tantrum worthy of a two-year-old. Annoyed by his behavior, the orderly he’d chosen to yell at had taken him to therapy rooms that were very different from the one he used.

He watched in horror as people with head injuries were being taught how to walk again on legs that weren’t broken, but refused to move correctly. He saw a handsome young man with auburn hair and bright blue eyes that wandered aimlessly around the room as his therapist patiently tried to get him to focus on putting a colorful ring on a wooden peg. He’d begged to leave, but on the way out he was taken past a room where a young man was lying in a huge padded recliner. He was drooling and yelling a series of nonsense syllables.

As an object lesson it had worked perfectly. Chastened, the Irishman stopped complaining about his injury and doubled his efforts to get strong enough so that he could leave the rehab center behind.

Even with the rehab center behind him he hadn’t seen much of a future for himself. Uncle Thorin would give him a job that paid way too much for what he’d be asked to do. If he refused that, he could do like so many others and go on the dole once the insurance payment ran out, sitting home and drinking himself to death.

He allowed himself a moment to toy with that dismal thought and then chuckled. Yeah, like his family would ever let that happen. He could picture Dwalin and Thorin simply carrying him bodily out of his flat to participate in whatever scheme they’d hatched.

Kili reached over and grabbed the jeans he’d laid out on the bed. He had to be getting a move on. His appointment with Father Grey was in an hour, so he hauled his jeans and hightops on and swung into his chair. He pulled his red “I Feel The Need For Speed” T-shirt out of the drawer and hit the loo.

When he came out, Fili was sitting at the computer working on one of the photos he’d taken at Skerries. He looked up when Kili came into the room and smiled. “Almost time, huh?”

“Yeah,” Kili replied, somewhat less than enthusiastically. “I need to get on the road in case I hit traffic.”

Fili got up and slid his arms around Kili from the back, letting him lean back into him. “Supper’ll be ready when you get home. Bilbo actually volunteered his recipe for Guinness chicken when I talked to him today.”

“He called?”

“Yeah, Thorin wants me to do a painting for the lobby at his office. Bilbo volunteered to do the calling because he wanted to give me the recipe.” Fili grinned and gave Kili an upside-down kiss.

“Do you think the recipe was a bribe to get you to agree to do it?” He paused. “You did agree, didn’t you?”

“Of course I did, egg. How could I turn it down? I need to show my work here in Dublin and I’ve been sittin’ on my arse for far too long. My vacation is officially over. You’re busting your gorgeous arse at the gym, so I’m going to be slaving over a hot painting.”

Kili burst out laughing and Fili looked at him quizzically. “It wasn’t that funny.”

Still giggling, Kili shook his head. “That’s not it. When you said ‘hot painting’ I immediately got the image of Bilbo posing nude on a one of those lounge things.”

Fili just looked at him and blinked. “You are a very strange man sometimes, Killian Oakenshield.”

“You have no idea,” Kili purred, winking lasciviously.

 ~ ~ ~

 Being Dublin, it had decided to rain and the temperature had dropped. By the time he pulled up in front of the rectory it was raining more seriously. Groaning at the weather, he debated for a moment and then pulled out his cell phone. He flipped to the photo of Fili eating ice cream. The blond was licking the cone slowly with as much sexual innuendo as possible. Kili smiled at the photo. This goofy man who was sometimes too serious was what it was all about. He was the reason Kili was here, taking deep breaths in a church parking lot at 7:30 on a Tuesday evening when he’d much rather be at home with a beer and the telly.

Sighing, he tucked the phone away and started to get out of the car, wishing he had thought to bring a jacket. Suddenly his vision was blocked by a shadow and he looked up to see Father Grey standing over him with a huge black umbrella open to shelter them both.

“I looked out and you didn’t appear to have anything to protect you from the rain,” he said as he tilted the umbrella to make sure the wheelchair was protected.

“Well, it’s pretty hard to hold one and still be able to push myself,” Kili replied as he snapped his chair together. “Usually I just get wet.”

The priest huffed, expressing his disapproval, but the Irishman grinned up at him. “It’s okay, I haven’t melted yet.”

Father Grey chuckled. “Well, let’s make sure you don’t experiment tonight. You go ahead and I’ll keep us dry. The door is unlatched so just push and it will open.”

Once inside the priest propped the umbrella in the corner by the door and led Kili to the comfortable chair by the table. Instead of a teapot, there was a fat white jug with the word “Chocolat” emblazoned in brown calligraphy. Kili looked at it questioningly.

The father gave an embarrassed little nod. “It was a gift and with the rain and chill I thought this the perfect time to use it. I fancy a cup of hot chocolate when instead of tea now and again.”

The tension broken, Kili laughed. “I’m always up for anything chocolate.”

“Excellent, I thought you might be a chocolate person. I requested that Mrs. O’Brian bake something chocolate earlier and I believe she somehow made chocolate scones. I have not had them before, so it must be a new recipe. Shall we be adventurous and try them out?”

Kili nodded eagerly. “We wouldn’t want to disappoint her.”

The two of them sat in silence enjoying the hot chocolate and scones. Although it felt like betrayal, Kili had to admit that Mrs. O’Brian could give Bilbo a run for his money when it came to scone making, at least these chocolate ones.

When their refreshment was done, Father Grey smiled gently and asked, “Have you thought about any of the things we discussed last week?”

Kili ducked his head and nodded. “It’s a part of my life that I didn’t want to think about, so I didn’t. I guess I should have.”

“I doubt that it is something that a young man would ponder unless he was forced to do so. But do you understand a little better where your mother is coming from?”

Kili lifted his head and pushed his hair back. He really should get it cut or start catching it up in a bun or ponytail like his uncle. “Every time I try to understand I keep seeing the look on her face at the table. It was like she turned into someone else.”

The priest nodded. “She did. For that moment she turned into her father. She knows it and it terrified her.” He took a breath and looked at Kili sadly. “She did not like her father, I doubt that anyone could. The thought that she acted and sounded just like him was quite a revelation for her.”

“I can’t imagine what she must have had to live with, her and Uncle Thorin. It must have been pure hell,” Kili said softly.

“I expect it was. It killed one of his children, drove another away and damaged the third. That is a sad legacy for any father to leave. Have you ever wondered why he felt so much dislike for gays?”

The question short-circuited Kili and he forgot what he was going to say next. He looked up puzzled. “No, I guess I haven’t.”

“Do you think it just might have been that he was attracted to men himself and this was his way of denying it?” Father Grey tilted his head thoughtfully as he regarded Kili.

The Irishman sat there stunned. He’d heard of men who denied their same-sex attraction by shrouding it in prejudice, but he’d never met one before. It had never occurred to him that his grandfather might have been battling his own demons.

“Do you think that could have been it? I mean the reason he was so hateful?”

The priest shrugged. “It’s strictly conjecture with him of course, but it’s not uncommon for someone to hate something they desire but can’t have.”

“Do you think that’s possible?” He dragged his fingers through his hair and shifted nervously. He didn’t think he’d ever been so uncomfortable with a thought before.

“Anything is possible, but in this case it might be something to think about. People rarely have such a strong hatred for things that don’t directly impact them.” Father Grey leaned back and looked sad.

“No one much thought about Muslims before the 9-11 attack in the US. Then suddenly there was an incredible amount of hatred and prejudice against a religion that had barely been discussed before. Worse, with so much misinformation and prejudice it is practically impossible to have an unbiased conversation about it nowadays.”

This was unsettling information. Kili shifted nervously, picking alternately at his beard and fiddling with his hair. What if his grandfather had been gay? He couldn’t imagine how it would feel to have to deny his attraction to men, to marry a woman and never to know the love that was part of his own everyday life.

His sexuality was more than just who he wanted in bed, it was core-deep, and affected the way he saw the world and how he interacted with it. He literally couldn’t imagine having to hide behind a mask, to play a role every day of his life, to always live in fear that the mask would slip and someone would find out who and what he really was.

The priest sat quietly, letting Kili sort it out for himself. He had gotten the same response from both Thorin and Dis when he proposed the question. Such deep hatred had to come from somewhere. It was a real tragedy that society’s fear and prejudice had hurt so many generations of this family.

Kili sat quietly and then shook his head. “I don’t know how I’d live if I had to pretend I wasn’t gay.”

“If you had the choice with no consequences, would you choose to be straight?”

The question came from left field and it left Kili speechless. He opened his mouth and then shut it again, blinked and then swallowed. “Uh, I can’t do that.”

Father Grey made an encouraging gesture and smiled a little. “But if you could. If you could say it and it would be so, what then?”

What a thing to be asked. He’d never thought of it before, not more than in passing at any rate. He was aware that others would make that choice if they could because of social pressure, families, or religion. For him the idea had always seemed a waste of time since you can’t wish or pray the gay away.

He looked at the priest who appeared in no hurry to receive an answer. Would he change if he could? There would be no friction with his mum. The stares and occasional glares he’d always ignored when out with Fili would not be there. But neither would Fili. He might be a friend. Mentally he shook his head. No, not even that. They didn’t travel in the same circles. He would never have met his golden Kiwi.

He scratched his beard and dropped his hand to his lap. He misjudged and half of his palm landed on his right wheel. He’d still be in the chair, that wouldn’t have changed. Now he’d be looking for a woman who didn’t mind a man who was paralyzed. He was sure they were out there. But sex would be difficult. He didn’t have as much feeling and orgasms were harder to come by. How could he explain that to a woman? Or the hundred other things that came with being in a chair that he and Fili took in stride without a second thought.

“No,” he replied somewhat forcefully. “I don’t think I’d want to be straight.”

“Why not? It would make some things easier?”

“Yeah, but it would make others harder. I like being with a man and having a partner who understands me because he feels a lot of the same things himself. I don’t have to keep explaining things to him, or apologize for being a guy.”

He slid his hand over the slick rim of his chair. “I don’t ever want to think about not having Fili in my life. I thought it was all over for me until I met him.”

Swallowing hard, he continued. “I…I never told anyone, but I was saving up my pain pills.”

He looked at the priest defiantly. “I know it’s a mortal sin, but I didn’t want to live like this.”

Father Grey nodded. “I can understand that. But you feel differently now?”

“Yeah. I really do. I didn’t think I could, but then I met Fili and he showed me that life could be pretty good even if I can’t walk.”

He managed a crooked grin. “He even thinks my roadkill of a body is sexy. I thought he was lying at first, but he’s not. He just doesn’t see the scars. He’s helped me to stop seeing them, too.”

Suddenly he laughed. “Jaysus, I sound like something out of one of my mum’s sappy romance novels.”

“But in a good way,” the priest laughed. “You are still bringing Fili the next time, aren’t you? I have to meet this paragon.”

“Paragon?” Kili shook his head, a tiny smile playing at the corner of his lips. “I think he’ll hurt himself laughing if I tell him that, but he is pretty cool.”

“Well, feel free to share it with him then, but you might warn him that I am not expecting him to float in here on a pedestal.”

“That’s good, because he’s not the most graceful person and it would be a bad introduction for him to fall flat on his face in front of you.” He gave the priest a bit of a smile at the thought.

Father Grey shared his laugh, but then Kili got serious again. “I wonder if anyone in his family is gay. I never asked.”

He looked up, dark eyes shaded by long lashes. “Do you think that being gay run in families?”

Father Grey’s smile was gentle. “They don’t know yet. There are a number of studies being done to try to find a ‘gay gene.’ I’m of two minds about it. If they find one, there will be a scientific explanation for it and it will no longer be considered a choice. But then they will also try to find a ‘cure’ and I’m not certain that is desirable at all. I do not feel as if I need to be ‘cured’.”

It took Kili a moment to process what the priest had just said.

“You…you’re gay?”

The priest nodded, his blue eyes sparkled with mischief. “All my life.”

“But you’re a priest?” The moment he said it, Kili felt like an idiot. He was relieved that the response was a hearty laugh.

“That is exactly what your mother said. You two are very much alike and I mean that in the best possible way.

“I was a late bloomer and wasn’t interested in anyone until I was almost through my training at the seminary. I realized then that women held no interest for me, but that a certain young man in my class very much did. He had golden hair and a voice like an angel. I was quite smitten.” He chuckled warmly at the memory.

“What did you do?” The revelation that the priest in front of him was gay had nearly short-circuited his thinking.

“Nothing, of course. I finished my training and then was fortunate enough to be invited to study in Rome. I immersed myself in my theology studies and didn’t come up for a decade.

“It wasn’t the best way to handle it, of course, but it was the only option I had. When I was young an attraction to men was not something you could talk openly about. It vexed me that I didn’t even feel comfortable confessing it. If God does listen to prayers I’m afraid I burned his ear off in those days talking to him and seeking answers.”

“Did He answer you? Do you think He listens?”

“I did get answers, but I got them myself. I believe that God does listen, but it is not His job to answer all the questions He gets asked. It is up to the person who asks to want an answer badly enough to seek it out themselves.”

Kili smiled. “You mean kind of like talking to a therapist.”

Father Grey laughed. “That’s a pretty close analogy. Have you seen one yourself?”

“No, but Fili goes every week. He’s been encouraging me to go.” Kili didn’t add that he’d been skillfully avoiding the subject every time it had come up.

“Do you think it would help you to talk to someone?”

“It’s helping me to talk to you,” Kili admitted. “So I’m beginning to see why Fili never misses an appointment. Yeah, I think it might be helpful. Especially after Sunday.”

“What happened on Sunday? Is it something you can talk about?”

“I was an arsehole.” Kili stopped dead, his eyes widening. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.”

The priest laughed and then winked. “I believe I’ve heard the term before. I might have even said it myself a few times. Now what happened to turn you in a horse’s bum?”

The Irishman gave a little smile, which faded quickly. “I’ve started training harder. I was talking to a girl at Physio and she kinda inspired me to think about wheelchair racing. I talked it over with Fili and he thought I should give it a go, but it’s been wicked hard. Compared to racers, I’m way outta shape and I come home hurting every day.”

Father Grey nodded. “I would imagine that puts a strain on your relationship.”

“Yeah, no. Well, sort of. But it’s me, not him. He gives me massages and heat packs and all. He’s real good about that and listening to me whingeing. I’m not so good at it.

“Sunday it seemed like it all caught up with me at once and I couldn’t even transfer from my chair onto the bed.”

He looked up to catch the priest’s expression and quickly continued. “Usually I just roll up next to the bed, put my hands on the mattress and boost myself up arse first, but my shoulders and arms wouldn’t work.”

“So he helped you?”

“Yeah. It was okay until he just picked me up like a baby and put me on the bed. I had a flashback to feeling helpless and I went off on him.”

“What did he say?”

“Nothing, he just took it until I ordered him out of the room. He told me he refused to be abused again. And I suddenly realized that’s what I was doing. I was hitting someone who only wanted to help and who wasn’t fighting back.”

Kili sat there digging his fingers into his knees until Father Grey reached out and lifted his hands. “Don’t punish yourself.”

“I should. Someone should. I hurt him really bad. His last partner treated him horribly. I swore I’d never hurt him like that and at then at the first chance when I’m feeling like shite I go and do it. I’m a rubbish fiancé. I don’t know why he even still wants me.”

Father Grey looked sympathetic. “Did he say that to you?”

Kili shook his head and looked down, his hair spilling forward over his face. He dragged it back with his fingers, worrying the locks as he thought for a moment before replying.

“He just told me I couldn’t talk like that to him.” A tear fell on the back of his hand and he quickly wiped it away and sniffed hard. “He didn’t get mad at me. I don’t understand why he wasn’t mad.”

“Perhaps because he loves you and he understands your frustration.” Father Grey laid his hand atop Kili’s. “Not all anger has to be met with anger."

“But I hurt him!” Kili’s hands clenched into fists. “I don’t deserve him!”

Father Grey gave him a piercing look. “Enough of that now. Did you apologize?”

Kili hung his head for a moment and then looked up, meeting the priest’s eyes. “Yes. Yes I did. I took some pain pills and we talked a long time about what rehab was like and how scared I was. I wanted him to understand why it’s so bad when I can’t do things for myself.”

“And why you got so angry.”

“Yeah. Why I blew up and acted like an arse.” Kili’s jaw clenched as he fought back the damned tears.

“And now he knows, so of course he forgave you. You weren’t mad at him, you were mad at yourself. But it appears like it is past time for you to deal with your own anger and pain, so that you don't take it out on someone who loves you. Have you contacted a therapist yet?”

Kili shook his head and the priest looked sad. "You have to make it a priority. You're dealing with a lot and you can't do it alone. Fili may forgive you now, but if you hurt him enough times it will affect your relationship.”

There was no getting away from the truth, therapy was another fear to be faced. He looked up at Father Grey and nodded. He would do it. Those penetrating blue eyes were gentle, but they saw everything. They saw a troubled young man who had to mature the hard way, but they also saw someone very much in love. The priest smiled to himself. It was a pleasure working with someone with so much potential.

Kili shifted uncomfortably and glanced at the clock. It was impossible that it was only half seven. He felt as if he should leave and race home to ask forgiveness again.

“So, tell me about this racing you’ve become so keen on.” The priest leaned forward with an interested expression, pulling Kili from his detour into self-blame.

Kili spent the next half hour talking about his plans for the future and how he hoped to get back into racing. He was practically bouncing in his chair as he described the race between Hug and Weir. There were no jumps or anything fancy, just men pitting themselves against gravity and their own limitations. Train hard, race harder, celebrate like there’s no tomorrow. By the time Kili wound down Father Grey was making him promise that he would get an invitation for Kili’s first race.

“I have to be there, dear boy. I’ll bless your chair. That will surely give you the edge,“ he said with a wink.

Kili wasn’t sure if he was kidding or not, but the twinkle in the priest’s eyes gave him away. The Irishman laughed. “I don’t know, if it gives me an unfair advantage I just might get in trouble with the Paralympic committee, but I’m willing to risk it.”

Father Grey grinned. “I will be there cheering you on. But until then, can you possibly come back next week and bring your young man. I’m quite eager to meet him.”

“Yeah, I’ll bring him. That’ll be awesome.”

He started for the door only to be outrun by a surprisingly agile Father Grey. He was once again escorted through the drizzle. The priest waited patiently as he got into the car and stowed his wheelchair in the rear.

“You know I could get used to this valet service,” Kili teased.

Father Grey laughed. “When you’re a famous racer and everyone wants your autograph, remember that I was the first one to escort you to your automobile.”

Kili bowed formally, nearly cracking his head on the steering wheel. “I shall. There will always be a seat for you at the finish line, my good man.”

When he drove away the priest was still standing in the rain, laughing.

 

 


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The storm has passed and its time to make amends. Cuddling is good. So is talking. So are other things...

Kili hadn’t hit the highway when his stomach started to rumble, reminding him that he hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. Crossing his fingers that he didn’t get a ticket, he nudged his car a bit over the speed limit and thought about the dinner waiting for him. And even more important about the man who was cooking it.

He remembered the look in the priest’s eyes when he heard that Kili had not yet braved finding a therapist. He thought about the idea that he could lose what he and Fili had if he continued to take his anger out on the blond. He winced. Since his injury he had sometimes lost his temper and had been less than pleasant with family and friends. He didn’t do it often, but once was more than enough. Kili thought the reason none of his racing friends came around anymore was because he made them so uncomfortable, but maybe it was also because he’d lashed out at them because they were still able-bodied. He didn’t remember doing it, but maybe he just didn’t want to remember.

The road blurred and he tried to blink away the tears and then scraped at them hard with his knuckles. It hurt and he realized he was punishing himself for crying. He was always fucking crying. He was so sorry for himself all the time. He was a mess and it was time that he manned up and admitted it. He didn’t want to go to a therapist, but he would. He would do anything to keep Fili and to stop feeling so sad all the time.

The rattley old freight elevator made enough noise so that his arrival was never a surprise. Fili met him at the door with a towel, a dry T-shirt and a kiss to go with them. The house smelled heavenly.

The Kiwi was surprised when Kili greeted him by wrapping both arms around his waist and nearly dragging him face-first onto the wheelchair.

 

 

“Whoa, wait…is something the matter?” he asked balancing himself by grabbing Kili’s shoulder and the doorjamb.

“No,” Kili replied. “Everything is perfect. You are perfect.”

Fili laughed and hugged him as well as possible from his awkward position. “I’m glad you think so.”

Kili mumbled something that got lost in the kiss he was pressing into Fili’s belly. The blond reached down and pulled his head up to plant a proper kiss on the Irishman’s lips.

To his surprise, Kili’s stomach rumbled mid-kiss and they both burst out laughing. “I think it’s time to feed you, “ Fili observed as Kili’s stomach complained again. “We can talk after dinner, yeah?”

“Yeah, I’ll have a wash up and be right in.” Kili scrubbed and dried his hands, delighting in the sink that he could fit his chair under. The new bathroom was wonderful. It was amazing how a little construction could turn a loo into a palace.

Before he went in, he reached into his backpack and removed a pain pill. As much as he hated to take them, he couldn’t let himself get into enough pain to make his muscles go into spasm again, or to make his temper short. He would probably always have some level of pain, so he might just as well get used to managing it instead of ignoring it. Athletes who hurt can’t compete and lovers who are always pissed off don’t stay lovers very long.

Fili had the kitchen table set and he even had carafe of white wine chilling. He saw the look his fiancé give the wine and blushed a little. “It’s from New Zealand. I couldn’t resist.”

“A taste of home,” Kili observed as he positioned himself at the table. “Why not, we’ve been drinking enough Guinness to float a currach.”

“What’s that?” Fili asked as he set the platter of chicken on the table.

“Irish rowboat.” Kili smiled and shook his head. “They used to be round and rowing them was a bugger. My ancestors didn’t always do things the easiest way.”

Fili shrugged, “Ah, but look on the bright side, they might build silly boats, but they brew damn fine stout that makes awesome chicken.”

Kili deftly maneuvered an entire leg and thigh onto his plate. “That they do, now hand me the mash and gravy.”

The only sounds for a few minutes was of them eating and Kili making happy approving noises. Fili was never sure of his cooking especially if he was attempting one of Bilbo’s recipes, but the Irishman let him know that his cooking was definitely up to par.

Dessert appeared in front of Kili by way of the smallest cupcake he’d ever seen. He picked it up with two fingers and looked up at Fili to see if it was a joke.

It wasn’t.

“What am I supposed to be doing with this? he inquired, deliberately emphasizing his brogue.

Fili’s eyebrow lifted. “Uh, eat it? It’s dessert.”

“For who, a dwarf?” Kili honestly couldn’t decide if the miniature cupcake was funny or an insult.

“That, Fili proclaimed, “is a dessert for a man who is in race training. You told me you needed to cut down on sugar, remember?”

“Trust you to keep me on the straight and narrow,” he replied sadly, peeling the paper from around the tiny sweet.

The cupcake was gone in a bite. It was rich with Guinness and he wanted another. Hell, he wanted the whole pan, but he looked at Fili and heaved a sigh. His sweet tooth was obviously going to be sacrificed in the quest for a gold medal. At the moment it didn’t seem like a completely fair trade.

The rain had left a chill in the air, so Fili started a small fire and they took their wine into the living room. The blond sat on the sofa and Kili rolled over and transferred so that he was sitting next to Fili leaning up against him.

The only light was from the fire, creating an island of warmth and golden light. They sat quietly sipping their wine and listening to the rain on the roof. Times like this they felt like the only two people on earth.

Fili nuzzled into the soft hair that fell to Kili’s shoulders, inhaling his unique scent. He burrowed until he found the brunet’s neck and laid soft kisses along the muscle that ran up the side, making Kili shiver and sigh with pleasure. He cuddled closer and Fill slid his arms around him pulling him close. It was a lovely way to spend an evening.

When the wine was gone, Kili tipped his head back so that he was looking at Fili upside down. He was still pretty good looking even though the view was straight up his nose. Kili reached up and tapped the bead on one mustache braid, making it rock and spin a little.

“You still like those?” Fili inquired, bending to look down at his boyfriend. “They are a pain in the arse you know.”

“Yeah, I still like them, but you can cut them off if you want to.” He tapped the bead again and Fili smiled fondly.

“Naw, I kind a like ‘em. They’re unique. Besides what would you use to grab me if they were gone?”

“Probably something less appropriate,” came the immediate retort. Kili was relaxed and comfortable. Fili’s chest was warm against his back and all was right with his world.

The fire was dying down a little when Fili asked, “Did you and Father Grey have a good talk?”

“Yeah,” Kili replied and then stopped to stare into his wine glass.

“And…?”

“I told him about my going off on you.” He swirled the wine wishing he had drunk a lot more before bringing up this conversation. “He told me it was time to get my sorry arse to a therapist.”

“He didn’t put it like that, did he?” Fili was concerned for a moment.

“No, but he should have. I had no right to talk to you the way I did.” He looked away from Fili, his head bowed in embarrassment. “It’s not the first time I’ve done it, it’s just the worst.”

The blond was only a little surprised. “Who did you yell at last time, Thorin?”

Kili gave a tight little laugh. “No, I didn’t want to die, at least not that way. My mum got it a few times when she kept trying to baby me and once when Bilbo was being so nice I was ready to puke.”

“I can see your mom putting up with it, but not Bilbo.”

“He didn’t. He threatened me with no more desserts.” Even Kili had to laugh at that statement. “That shut me up.”

He stopped smiling and continued. “I’ve been bitchy and cry all the fucking time. My emotions are all over the place. I need help sometimes and yet it pisses me off to get it. I think I had a panic attack when you picked me up without asking and flashed back to being helpless.

“My mates always made fun of people who went into therapy and I didn’t want to be one of those people who are so fucked up they need to talk to a stranger.” He pulled slightly away from Fili, his voice ragged. “But I am. I’m so fucked up.”

The blond heaved a sign and slid his arm tighter around Kili’s chest. “What do you think about me being one of those fucked up people?”

Kili swallowed hard. “I guess I don’t think about it. You had awful things happen to you.”

“So did you.”

Kili nodded. “Yeah. Well, as they say in rehab, Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.”

Fili laughed and pulled him tighter, pressing a kissing into his unruly hair. “So does this mean you are ready to grab an oar and start paddling?”

“Will you push me back out if I try to come ashore?” He was trying to keep the conversation light and ignore the knot that was twisting in his stomach.

“I’ll shove the oar up your arse,” Fili promised. “I don’t fancy being abused again.”

“I promise never to act like that again. Ever! I suddenly heard myself and I was horrible. I don’t know how you could forgive me for that.”

Kili twisted and buried his face against the New Zealander’s chest. He listened to the steady beat of the heart that loved him and promised them both that it would never happen again.

Fili wound dark strands of hair between his fingers and gazed into the fire. “I could forgive you because it wasn’t you talking, it was the pain.”

“I didn’t hurt that bad,” came the muffled reply.

“Bad enough and I know better than to treat you like a child and pick you up without asking. I got stupid, you got mad, and bad things happened. But I didn’t take it and you stopped when I said to.” He kissed the top of the Irishman’s head. “We’re still learning how to do this. Do it again and you’re a dead man, though.”

Kili wasn’t too sure that Fili was kidding. “Promise,” he replied. “Cross my heart.”

Fili leaned down and nuzzled him until Kili tilted his head back for a kiss. It was tender, lips brushing one another. Arms wound tighter and they sat together.

They sat curled together, just watching the fire and thinking about what had happened and what was going to happen and how things were going to get better because they were going to make sure they did.

After awhile Kili took a deep breath and said, “He came out to me.”

“Who?” Fili was confused at the sudden statement.

Kili turned a little so that he could see the blond better. “Father Grey. He’s gay and said that if he could be ‘cured’ he wouldn’t do it.”

Fili didn’t reply, instead he took the last sip of his wine and sat toying with the glass. It was a topic he wasn’t comfortable discussing.

The Irishman waited for a reply and when he didn’t get it, he shifted his position a little so that he could look at Fili. His partner kept his eyes on the empty glass in his hand.

Kili reached over and laid his hand on Fili’s, stopping the twirling of the glass. He pressed closer, seeking comfort in the warmth of his fiancé’s embrace.

“What’s the matter? Did I say something to upset you?” He was puzzled by the sudden distance between them. Even though he was pressed against him, it felt as if the Kiwi was in a different room.

The blond shook his head. “It’s not that. It’s not you. It’s me.” His voice was soft and slightly ragged, as if he had to force the words out.

“How do you feel about being gay?” Kili didn’t want to ask, but he knew he had to have the answer.

Fili shrugged, his shoulders tight, the movement barely pressing against Kili. He was looking across the room at the painting he’d started, but he didn’t see it. For a moment he wasn’t in Dublin sitting with the man who loved him.

He didn’t want to go where his thoughts were leading him. He pulled back, physically shifting, forcing his eyes to make contact with Kili’s. It was safe in that warm chocolate gaze. The bad thoughts couldn’t follow him there.

Tentatively, Kili reached up and drew the perfect cupid’s bow of Fili’s lips with his thumb. “If someone offered you a cure for being gay, would you take it?”

“I don’t know.” Fili’s reply was so low it was nearly inaudible.

He felt Kili tense against him, a thin shuddering intake of breath the only sound in the room. He was afraid to look over and see if there were tears yet. He was good at causing tears.

“I’m sorry, Kee. I always thought if they found some way to cure me I’d be the happiest man on earth.”

He took a long breath and let it out slowly. Kili sat silently, still pressed against him. The world felt as if it had stopped for a moment. Everything was silent, then the fire popped and it started back up again.

“It’s not something I think about because it can’t happen.”

He turned so that he could look at Kili. Fili tried not to see the shimmer of tears reflecting the dim light of the fireplace. The brunet blinked, impossibly long lashes dropping for a moment as the tears were forced back.

Heaving a sigh, he leaned forward and kissed Kili’s forehead gently. “I didn’t have any role models or support when I was a kid. I was just the little queer dweeb who liked art. When my cousin shot me in the stomach with the spear gun I prayed to die. I don’t want to go into all the shit that happened to me because I’m gay. For so long it just seemed like I was the only one. Then I met Daniel and thought things would get better…”

Kili flung his arms around Fili’s neck and hauled him in for a hug. The Irishman’s muscles were getting stronger and for a moment the blond though his neck was going to break. Then Kili released him a little and nuzzled against his cheek and kissed him so hard their teeth clicked together.

“I’ll make it better,” he promised with another kiss.

Fili grabbed him and held him so tight that Kili’s breath was pressed out in a whoosh that left him dizzy.

“You already have. I don’t know why I’m sitting here in front of the fire with the most wonderful man in the world feeling sorry for myself.” He pressed kisses against the Irishman’s cheek and then stole his lips, whispering into his mouth. “I love you so much and I’m so happy.”

“Really?”

“And for truly. It might be easier to be straight, especially with my family, but if it meant giving you up, I’d never do it.” More kisses punctuated his words. “I could never give you up. Besides its not like its possible, so that means you’re mine forever.”

Kili snuggled against him, acting for all the world like a happy puppy. “I’m happy too. I never thought I’d be happy again. I’m sorry I asked that stupid question.”

“It wasn’t that stupid,” Fili remarked, winding his fingers in Kili’s hair. “It made me stop and think and deal with something that was still lurking down in my psyche. I spent too long hating myself. You’ve made me realize that I need to focus on what I have, not what I left behind.”

Kili kissed him and sighed, “I love you so much.”

He smiled at Fili, one finger giving those tempting mustache beads a flick. “I’m so lucky. Aside from a few arseholes when I was a kid no one ever made me feel bad about being gay.

“I was telling Father Grey that I wouldn’t want to be straight. Why would I want to give up being in love with my best friend and having the greatest sex, like evah? I like that you understand guy things and I don’t have to worry about girl things and all that crap society heaps on straight relationships.”

Fili was silent for a moment. “I never thought of it like that. You have a point. When I see all the crap with straight relationships I’m usually glad I’m not caught up in that. Maybe I need to change the way I look at this.”

“Mmmm, maybe you should,” Kili whispered tracing perfect lips with the tip of his tongue. “Since we can’t change, we might as well enjoy being who we are.”

“And who we’re with,” the blond finished. He wound his fingers deeper into Kili’s wild mane and pulled him close, licking into his mouth with the tip of a teasing tongue.

“Ah, definitely who we’re with.” It came out in a breathy sigh as the brunet’s blood pressure rose.

They sat there until the fire died to coals, kissing and touching and just being with each other. It gave them time to think and sort out their feelings. Kili pressed against Fili needing his stability. He’d always been volatile, but he’d never been mean until his accident. It was easy to take out his feelings on others rather than deal with them and he’d been allowed to get away with it, like he’d always been allowed to get away with too much. He was the spoiled only child and he’d exploited that shamelessly. He shut his eyes and cringed. He didn’t think he was going to like what he was going to learn about himself.

Fili felt the pressure of Kili’s upper body and hugged him. He couldn’t seem to get close enough, to get his fill of the scent and taste and feel of the beautiful man in his arms. Maybe Kili was the reason he had suffered the taunts and slights. Maybe it was all so he would fully appreciate what he had now. He had stood up to Kili, which had resulted in Kili agreeing to therapy, something he’d almost given up on. Fili knew how hard it had been for him to go, so he appreciated that Kili had reached that understanding of himself. He smiled a little to himself thinking his therapist would be very proud of him. He felt like he’d finally turned a page that had resisted him for so long. Nuzzling deep into Kili’s hair, he breathed him in and was content.

 

~ ~ ~

 

When the room went dark Fili heaved a sigh and kissed his love tenderly. “Its time for bed.” He reached over and flipped on the light next to the sofa.

“Mmm,” Kili replied happily, keeping his eyes closed. “Bed. My favorite word.”

He stretched, pausing as he started to raise his arms. “If I ask really nice, can I get a back rub first?”

“It would be my pleasure.” Fili’s answer was nuzzled into the crook of Kili’s neck. “Do you need any help getting to bed?” The question was accompanied by a flick of a warm soft tongue.

Giggling, Kili replied, “I got that covered ‘cause I need to hit the loo first.”

“Yeah me too. You get dibs, or do I go first?”

“You go, it always takes me longer.” Fili reached over and pulled Kili’s chair next to the sofa. The Irishman set the brakes and boosted himself in.

He looked over at Fili and frowned slightly. “You don’t have to babysit me, you know.”

“Oh, I wasn’t. I was just enjoying the scenery. Do you know your biceps ripple now when you transfer?” He winked and exited the room before Kili could respond.

 _My biceps ripple?_ That was a new thought. Kili still tended to think of himself as the stick-thin teen who envied Thorin his broad shoulders and muscular build. Surreptitiously, he looked at his arm and clenched his muscles. Sure enough, he had definition now. He wouldn’t call it “rippling” but it was definitely there. Grinning, he turned off the light and headed for the loo.

Fili was waiting for him when he rolled into the bedroom. The blond was reclining against a stack of pillows, his hair golden against the dark green of the sheets. He was deliciously and unselfconsciously nude, one hand behind his head, the other resting on a lightly furred thigh. He had stopped hiding the scar on his abdomen, something that Kili was eternally grateful for. Neither of them had to hide their scars any longer. Physical imperfections weren’t important. What was important was the sparkle in those summer-sky blue eyes, the smile on perfect lips and the dimples that never failed to delight. That he had the beginnings of an erection made the scenery even nicer.

Kili started to strip off his Tee, but Fili stopped him. “Leave it on for a few minutes. I have a surprise for you.”

“Kinky…”

The blond laughed. “Not at all, but I think you’ll like it anyway. Hop up here and I’ll help you turn over.”

Kili smirked, “Now I know it’s gonna be kinky.”

Fili got up and help turn and position the Irishman and then straddled his thighs. Leaning over he pulled a white thing on a cord out from under his pillow.

Twisting around trying to see, Kili asked, “What the hell is that?”

“You’ll see. Now get your arms comfortable and relax, egg, so I can take care of you.” The Kiwi’s voice was low as he pressed the brunet down on the bed.

There was a loud buzzing sound that brought Kili right back up. “The fuck?”

Suddenly the buzzing noise muffled as the white thing was pressed between Kili’s shoulder blades and he groaned as the vibration sent waves of relief through tense muscles.

“Oh my god that’s amazing. Don’t stop.” He moaned again sounding like a porn star. “You have my permission to do that for the rest of your life.”

“I’ll do my best,” Fili replied laughing. “I’m glad you approve.”

“Marry me,” Kili begged, rolling his shoulders to get the vibrator to hit where he needed it.

“Too late, I’m already promised to the most amazingly gorgeous Irishman. He has eyes like warm chocolate and he makes love like a god.”

“I’ll have to meet him some time.” Kili’s voice was muffled by the mattress. “He sounds brilliant.”

“He is. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. He’s been a bit grumpy lately, but that’s only because he’s been working so hard. I’m hoping that this will smooth him out, though.”

“If it doesn’t, then he’s made of stone.” Kili shifted again. “Lower…ah, that’s the spot.”

Fili continued the massage for nearly a half an hour. They could both feel Kili’s muscles unknot and loosen as the Kiwi, worked one set at a time and then returned to press into knots, triggering a release.

At length the brunet stretched and smiled. “Thanks, my back feels much better now.”

“I’m so glad,” Fili replied, his hand still moving the vibrator in circles. He took it lower very slowly, until he was massaging Kili’s rump with a hand on one cheek and the vibrator on the other.

Kili froze for a moment and then twisted to look at him. “I can feel some of that.” He was astounded. The strong vibrations penetrated the tissue to stimulate areas with some residual sensation. It felt incredible. He moved his chest a little, which rolled his arse, begging for more.

Delighted that his surprise was working, Fili continued to move the vibrator slowly. He worked both cheeks and then stopped for a moment to change heads on it. He went from the flatter body massage head to one with a nub for trigger points and he knew just what trigger point he was going to try it on.

The blond turned it back on and inched it downward from Kili’s tailbone. He used his other hand to pull those lovely cheeks apart and continued his slow progress. The Irishman started to say something and then groaned as the vibrations reached inside him, fanning mild pleasure into heat.

“Jaysus, I don’t know what you’re doing, but don’t stop!” The plea was breathy and sounded surprised.

Kili tried to twist his head to see what was going on. Fili held up the vibrator so that his partner could see it. Kili took a look, one eyebrow vanishing under his fringe and then he grinned. “Oh yeah.”

He might have been going to say more, but Fili applied it again and moved still closer and words were lost as Kili arched his back up asking for more. The light on the nightstand was on giving the Kiwi a spectacular view of the developing muscles in Kili’s back as they roiled and slid under his skin. This had to be the best idea he’d had yet. Grinning, Fili slid the vibrator even lower.

When it made full contact, Kili nearly left the bed. If Fili hadn’t been sitting on him he would have launched himself into orbit.

Fili pulled back. “Too much?”

It was a struggle for Kili to get the words out. “No. It’s good. Oh bloody hell is it good. I can feel it! I can fucking really _really_ feel it!”

He felt like he had full sensation for the first time since his accident. Sex was good with Fili. Very good, but it wasn’t the same when only half of your equipment had sensation. It was like wearing two condoms, still good, but dulled down. This was so sharp it was like he was sixteen again and still discovering the pleasure his body could give him. He felt like sobbing, but he settled for moaning and arching up into it as much as he could.

Fili felt as if something wonderful had just opened up for them both. He had been aware that the level of pleasure he’d been able to give Kili was wanting, but there was so little information available that they were making it up as they went along. This was obviously a step in the right direction. Leaning back, he started to experiment.

Penetrating wasn’t good, it was too much on high and not enough on low. Obviously this wasn’t the right tool for the job. They were going to have to go toy shopping. Fili laughed quietly at the idea. With Daniel he’d have been embarrassed to death, but with Kili he knew it was going to be fun. Everything he did with Kili was fun.

He tried putting it on low, cupping his hand and gently manipulating Kili’s balls, but that too was either too much or not enough. He switched to a very flat tip, gripped it between his fingers and then cupped the delicate sack. The resulting moan told him that it was good, so he kept it up, alternating with sliding upward to tease Kili’s entrance. When his hand started to go numb he had to stop and try to shake the feeling back into his fingers.

Kili peered over his shoulder, concerned at the flailing going on over his arse. “Why don’t you get off and I’ll flip over? You are driving me insane but I’m not going to come this way.”

Fili leered at him. “You want more do you?” He moved off and gave the Irishman’s buns a last squeeze. “I can do that.”

“I bloody well hope you can, now that you’ve got me this wound up,” Kili shot back.

He flipped himself over, revealing that his erection was up full staff, weeping with anticipation. Fili quickly helped him arrange his legs and then bent down to capture the tip in his mouth, the hot wet sensation making Kili nearly scream. He wound his fingers into the blond’s curls, pushing his mouth down and doing his best to arch upward. He needed more and he needed it now.

Fili slid him deep, sucking hard and swallowing, licking the side of the shaft with the most feeling as he came up. He paused for a moment to slide the flat tip between his fingers again and then applied to the Irishman’s cock. He had no idea what Kili said, it was a mix of Gaelic, English and Anglo Saxon that was unintelligible, but needed no translation.

It’s hard to blow someone and smile, but Fili managed it.

He went down hard and when he came up he applied his fingers to Kili’s shaft. It seemed to swell even further. Developing a rhythm was easier than he’d thought it would be and judging from the sounds from above Kili thoroughly appreciated it if he didn’t try to go down too far, but kept up stroking that beautiful cock with the vibrator in time with the sucking. It would be far too much stimulation for someone without a spinal cord injury, but for the Irishman it was perfect.

He grabbed Fili’s hair so tightly that it hurt, but neither of them cared. They were too lost in the moment. The Kiwi dragged his tongue across the head as he squeezed the shaft hard, vibrator head jammed against the shaft and almost instantly Kili was bucking upward, crying out his completion. Fili swallowed hard and continued to suck and stroke, reveling in the intensity of Kili’s orgasm.

Finally, Kili pulled him away, his breath sobbing so hard he couldn’t talk. Fili knelt on the bed for a moment looking at his partner. Kili was limp and sweating, his hair wild against the pillow, chocolate eyes, dark with pleasure looking back at him, perfect lips parted as he drew deep breaths to try to quiet his breathing. He was wrecked and Fili was the one who had done it. The Kiwi didn’t think he’d ever been prouder of himself.

Kili’s brain had completely short-circuited. When it came back on line, he reached up for Fili and dragged him down into a hard kiss.

“Thank you,” he said, his words muffled by the kiss. “That was…it was…oh just damn…”

“I’m glad it was okay,” Fili replied.

“It was better than okay. It was amazing.” He nuzzled against Fili’s beard. “I forgot it could feel like that.”

“Well, I’m glad I could remind you,” Fili chuckled, kissing him again.

Suddenly he stopped, eyes going wide. “Wait, its your turn now.” Kili’s brows pulled down and he gave Fili a look of pure lust. “Now it’s my turn to make you crazy. What would you like?”

“You could just keep kissing me. I can get myself off,” Fili replied, reaching out to claim Kili’s lips.

He pulled back, eyes twinkling. “No way. I want to make it good for you. Turn around so I can reach you.”

He gave Fili a lecherous smile and licked his lips, convincing the blond that there was nothing he could do but comply. He shifted and watched the intensity with which Kili approached and then engulfed him. Sighing, he thought that he had to be the luckiest man in the world.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My eternal gratitude to Ceallaig for beta reading and offering excellent critiques. And to Pabu for her advice as well as her glorious art.
> 
> Hallie, who inspired "Chase" and writes "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us" is a paraplegic herself. SHE HAS RAISED ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY HER RACING WHEELCHAIR SO THAT SHE CAN COMPETE IN THE TOKYO PARALYMPICS!!! 
> 
> You are missing out on two great stories if you haven't read Hallie's "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us." In Rio both Aidan and Dean are wheelchair athletes at the Paralympics. [**Romance in Rio**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1093396) In "We're Fighters" Dean has epilepsy and Aidan is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. [**We're Fighters, Every One of Us**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/988916)
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, kudos, or creative criticism you don't want to put in a comment, please email me at drakkhammer@gmail.com
> 
> My new blog is: [Drakkhammerwrites](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/%22%22)
> 
> Be sure to follow Pabu's Tumblr [**hvit-ravn**](http://hvit-ravn.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thank you very much for reading. I hope you enjoy the story and the marvelous art.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Thorin invites you to lunch – you say yes. And then you panic…just a little.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING – Mention of past abuse – non graphic.
> 
>    
> This will be the last chapter for a month. Real Life is getting in the way of my writing. My shift changed to 1pm to 9:30, giving me more time to do chores and less to write. Kelly fell while walking Beau and broke her foot, and we got 2 new dogs which need wrangling. Both Beau and Casey are special needs, which means a little extra time every day. The dogs are delightful, Kelly’s broken foot not so much and the shift change sucks. 
> 
> Meet [**Beau and Casey**](https://www.flickr.com/photos/holeinthewallrescue/)
> 
> This is the last chapter that I have written and I’m a bit stuck right now. I know where I want to go but figuring how to get there and having the time to write isn’t happening right now. If you are following [**Shadows and Stone**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3585432), I have 10 more chapters written, so it will continue to be published on schedule. 
> 
> Pabu will no longer be able to illustrate Chase. I will let her own post explain why. **Confession Time**

 

Kili woke to the smell of coffee. By the time he had hit the loo and started for the kitchen it was joined by the scent of a breakfast fryup. The aroma of ham competed with eggs, making the Irishman inhale deeply as he came around the corner and found Fili at work, expertly flipping the eggs.

Fili turned to smile at him. “Good morning, sunshine.”

“G’mornin’ yourself. You’re right chipper for this early in the morning.” Kili stifled a yawn and came over for a good morning kiss.

“I had a good night last night.” Fili winked at him and then turned back to managing his eggs.

“Yeah, it was kinda awesome. I think I’ll be a while getting over it.” Kili felt like he was blushing and didn’t know why.

Fili threw back his head and laughed. “I guess I’ll have to step up my game if you want to get over it.”

“You do and Father Grey will be saying my eulogy and won’t that be embarrassing? Alas, the poor lad was coming and going at that same time,” he quipped.

The Kiwi flipped him a bird. “Why don’t you go and make yourself useful? If you keep making me laugh I’m going to burn something. Probably attached to me.”

Kili laughed and coasted over to the counter. He popped two pieces of whole grain bread into the toaster and then rummaged in the fridge to pull out the raspberry jam and orange marmalade to put on the table. He got the mugs and set them on the counter next to the coffee pot. Plates and silverware were next. It was a good division of labor, all things considered.

When the food was done, Fili served it up, complete with kisses. They ate shoulder to shoulder, still feeling the effects of last night.

“I should have ordered that vibrator ages ago,” Fili said, mopping up the last bit of egg with his toast and marmalade.

Kili shrugged. “Who knew.”

He cast a sideways look at his fiancé. “It didn’t bother you, did it? I mean that I got off harder with a machine than with you?”

Fili grinned and pulled him into a hard kiss. “Oh hell no! Anyway, you were with me and I was the one who got to watch you get wrecked. You were trashed afterward and I did it. That’s fucking awesome.”

“Yeah, it was fucking awesome and awesome fucking,” the Irishman teased back. “I can’t say I’d want that all the time, but it was pretty amazing.”

“Yeah, well, any time you are up for it, you just let me know.” The light in Fili’s eyes showed that he was telling the truth. He had gotten off on giving that much pleasure. His own orgasm had been an afterthought; he’d been so into Kili that his own pleasure wasn’t that important.

Kili’s eyes were lighter this morning, the color of a good single malt scotch. They always reflected gold when he was happy. He leaned up to kiss his fiancé tenderly. “You are amazing. Have I told you that lately?”

Fili kissed him back and then rose from the table to clear the dishes. “I believe I’ve heard it once or twice, but don’t let that stop you for saying it. My ego can always use a little buffing.”

“I’ll have to polish it more often.” Kili looked at the clock. “Shit, gotta go!”

“Where are you off to so early?”

“The pool. I feel the need to drown myself now that I’ve reached Nirvana,” Kili shouted over his shoulder as he headed for the bedroom to dress.

“Are you going to the gym today?” Fili called after him.

Kili poked his head around the corner. “Of course. If I survive drowning I’ll have to try to torture myself to death.”

Fili shook his head and said to no one in particular, “I’ll warm up the vibrator.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

Fili was sorting through the photos he’d taken at Skerries. There were several that begged to be painted. He owed Thorin a painting and his agent in London was harassing him for more works. He’d sold two in the last month for prices that were far more than he’d ever thought possible. The pressure was on to paint enough for a show of his own, something he’d dreamed of since he first put brush to canvas. He’d had several small showings in Auckland, but they would be nothing like this one in a major London gallery. It made him both excited and so nervous he nearly deleted the photo he was retouching.

He blew the photo up and put it on the flat screen TV in his workspace. He’d changed the color of the sky only slightly, making it reflect the tone of the water. He hated severely retouched photos, feeling that they showed what the artist wanted rather than what was actually there. Fili was happier when he took the time to capture the actual shot he wanted rather than to manipulate it.

Setting his canvas on the easel, he got comfortable and started to sketch. He had the sketch for the painting roughed out when the phone rang.

“Durinson and Oakenshield at your service.”

There was a deep chuckle on the other end. “Very impressive. You sound like a law firm.”

“Thorin, what a surprise! Kili is either at the pool or the gym, I’m not sure which. Weren’t you able to reach him?”

“I didn’t want to talk to my nephew. If you are free for lunch today, it’s my treat.”

Thorin sounded cheerful enough and not as though he had some dark secret he wanted to discuss. Fili thought about it for a second and then agreed. “I’m always up for a free meal. Where did you have in mind?”

“Darby’s is a pub not too far from you. They still serve the best corned beef and cabbage in Dublin.” Thorin was being deliberately tempting.

“I know where it is. I’ve passed it a few times but never stopped,” Fili said.

“Your loss, but you can make up for it today. Is noon agreeable?”

“I’ll see you there,” Fili replied. Almost before he could say goodbye Thorin had disconnected, leaving him holding a buzzing phone. He set it down thinking that at least in New Zealand they usually said goodbye.

Thorin hadn’t said what he wanted and the only thing Fili could think of was the painting he’d commissioned. He must want to discuss it and since art talk would bore Kili to tears he’d chosen to do it over lunch. Having solved the mystery of the phone call, he started going through every photo he had that remotely resembled what Thorin had mentioned and loaded them onto his iPad. Having settled that, he got back to painting.

By half eleven he’d laid on a wash of color that he wanted to let dry. He changed into clean jeans and his favorite blue T-shirt. He looked in the mirror, briefly wondering if he was dressing too casually, but then decided he should just be himself. Having made this epic decision, he headed out the door. He didn’t want to be late for an appointment with Thorin. It always looks bad to make a client wait.

He found the pub faster than he’d anticipated. When he realized he was going to be early, Fili drove around the block to kill time. This gave him an unfortunate amount of time to reconsider why Thorin might have invited him to lunch. It was the middle of his work day, so it couldn’t be social, but it seemed a bit extreme just to discuss a painting he wanted for the company wall. Had something gone wrong with trying to patch things up with Dis? Would this be the day that he was told he was not wanted here and that he should leave before he hurt Kili?

His mind went round and round like a cat chasing a toy. By the time Fili parked and walked into the pub his palms were sweating and he had a knot in his stomach the size of the Dublin airport.

Thorin was already seated where he could see the door and waved Fili over. The waitress appeared almost immediately. Fili smiled at her and ordered a bottle of Harp beer and then opened the menu. He was too nervous to really read it. He was waiting for the huge crash of the proverbial other shoe. Trying to stave it off, he opened the tablet and set it in front of Thorin.

“I’m hoping that you can give me some feedback on what you want me to paint.” He opened a gallery of Dublin photos. “Did you decide if you want a seascape or perhaps one of the landmarks? Christ Church Cathedral would make an interesting painting.”

“The sea would be preferable, I believe,” Thorin said, not even glancing at the tablet.

Flustered, the blond tapped open thumbnails of shots of Dublin harbor and some of the surrounding beaches. “Did you want just the sea, or would you like to have a building of some sort like a light house, or maybe a wharf?”

“Just the sea and sky,” Thorin replied, still not looking at the photographs. “I’m sure that whatever you choose will be perfect.”

Fili was on the verge of panic. He had no idea what to say. Clients always wanted something, sometimes to the point of distraction. “Do you know the size at least?”

“Large.”

“I’m afraid I need a little more to go on,” Fili replied nervously.

Thorin shrugged. “Would 90 by 120 cm be a problem?”

“Not at all, I’ve worked that large before. Did you want acrylic or oil, it’s a little large for watercolor.”

“Your choice, what ever you think would work best.” Thorin seemed far more interested in the menu than he did the painting.

He looked up and blinked. “Oh, and have your agent send me a bill for it. I’m sure that the charge will be fair.”

Fili was on the verge of just sitting there with his mouth open. Commissions just didn’t work like this. He didn’t know whether to feel grateful, or like an idiot.

Thorin observed him for a moment and then smiled. “I suppose I should begin with the reason I invited you to lunch, so that you can actually relax enough to read the menu. It wasn’t about the painting. I’ve seen your work and whatever you do will be perfect.”

“Yeah, no. Well, that would be good, I guess,” he replied nervously, picking at the label on his beer.

“It’s really simple and lucrative for us both, I hope.” Thorn smiled again and leaned forward. “I’d like to rent your first floor.”

“You what? Why?” The Kiwi was more than a little startled by the proposition.

“It’s simple. I want to expand and we don’t have an office in the south of Dublin. Tallaght is a perfect location. I’ve been over several times and I think your building offers us the location and the space we need.”

He talked easily and smoothly, the salesman making a deal. Fili listened intently and then replied. “I don’t own the building yet, you know.”

Thorin shrugged. “I’m aware of that, but since I’m not looking to start setting up tomorrow, it isn’t a concern. I thought that the idea of some extra income might help in your decision to purchase the warehouse.”

The waitress came over, but Thorin waved her away. “I’m not trying to pressure you, just give you an option.”

Fili’s brows knit and he looked at Thorin coolly. “Would you make me this offer if I was not engaged to your nephew?”

It was Thorin’s turn to look a little uncomfortable. “Probably not,” he admitted. “Of course if you two were not involved I wouldn’t know about this building. I’m not trying to do anything more than get an agreeable space for a new office.” He stopped for a moment and then shook his head.

“It’s a good thing Bilbo isn’t here to laugh at me.” The blue in his eyes lightened and he almost smiled. “I have an ulterior motive, I’m afraid.”

The other shoe was about to drop. Fili took a breath and held it.

“It’s been ten months since Kili’s accident, nearly eleven, and he needs to have a job.” Thorin looked at him levelly. “Not working isn’t good for anyone. I appreciate that he’s decided to train for racing, but at some point he has to take more responsibility for his life.”

“I agree,” Fili replied, meeting Thorin’s gaze.

The older man looked surprised, then he smiled. “Good. I plan to offer him a position of sales and customer service. There won’t be that much to do at first, so he can ease into it. He’ll have support staff, of course, but it’s a job he’s done the past several winters when he wasn’t racing his bike and he’s good at it. He connects very well with people.”

It was Fili’s turn to smile. “Yes, he does.” He thought about Kili’s smile and warm personality that seemed to draw people to him. “I think it would be a good position for him. Do you think he’ll take it if you offer?”

Thorin sipped his wine. “I could use a little help in that department.”

“Hmm, do you want me to tell him he’s freeloaded long enough?” Fili was teasing. Kili’s insurance settlement would come through soon and he was on a stipend for his disability, so he was contributing to everything except utilities and rent.

“Something like that,” Thorin admitted. He looked serious and suddenly uncomfortable.

“I’m not sure how to say this so forgive me if I’m too blunt. Kili is serious about marrying you. He’d drag your off to England tomorrow if he thought I wouldn’t kill him, but he’s never held a steady job, or had any sort of responsibility.”

“And it’s time he had some and grew up,” the Kiwi finished for him. “I agree. I’m not sure he would, but he’s changing. I can see that he wants more out of life than he has now, but doesn’t know how to get it.”

“So we have an agreement?” Thorin looked relieved.

Fili nodded. “I believe we do. Now if I can just figure out how to afford to buy the place we will be gold.”

Thorin laughed. “Do you have anyone who does your accounting for you?”

“I do have one in London, but not here. In Dublin it’s just me and my fingers.”

Thorin laughed. “Then let me introduce you to mine and we will see what can be worked out.”

Smiling, he waved in the direction of the menu. “Make a selection and let’s eat. I’m starving and it’s easier to talk over food.”

The blond’s mind was going so fast that it was still difficult to concentrate on eating, but in the end, he went with Thorin’s suggestion of the corned beef and cabbage. He ordered another Harp to wash it down.

Fili ate slowly, enjoying the food almost as much as Thorin’s conversation. It was pretty much one-sided as Thorin talked about Kili and how proud he was of him. It was like sitting with a proud dad, a thought that made Fili smile.

Kili had talked precious little about his injuries and Fili was surprised to find that he had nearly lost his leg from infection. It had been touch-and-go for a while and kept him in the hospital and rehab longer than usual. Thorin talked of long sleepless nights both in the waiting room and sitting with Kili so that he didn’t have to depend solely on the hospital staff for everything.

For someone who was very focused on keeping his family safe, it had obviously been a very trying time for Thorin. He still looked a little tired. He also hinted that Bilbo didn’t have any family to speak of, or perhaps that he spoke to, so it was just the four of them. The rift between them and Dis was cataclysmic in its effect on this little family, something Fili could empathize with. His coming out and his relationship with Daniel had had much the same effect. He wished he’d been able to find a Father Grey in Auckland. But then, it was probably best that they weren’t that involved when the breakup occurred and he had fled to London. Mending fences really did require that the land beneath them stop quaking and Fili thought his might still have some tremors to come.

Thorin had opted for a Reuben sandwich and fries. He picked up a fry and then put it back down with a sigh. “I can’t really go into what Father Grey said to me, but he is hopeful that this will all be resolved. She’s quite embarrassed about her outburst and that isn’t helping things.”

He looked up, a tiny smile twisting the corners of his mouth. “It also doesn’t help that she’s a Durin through and through and doesn’t easily forgive and forget. He seems pretty confident that she will relent and forgive us all for being so blind that we couldn’t see what we were doing to her.”

Fili had a few thoughts on what she’d done to them, Kili in particular, but he held his tongue.

Thorin saw it in his eyes and nodded. “I know she was unkind when you met her. She was not herself.” He looked up. “To be honest, I don’t know who she was, but trust me, you have yet to meet Dis. I’m hoping that you get to do so very soon.”

“So do I.” Fili smiled at him. He did want to meet this Dis that he’d heard about. If she was anything like her son, she would be amazing.

“So how are you doing?”

Thorin’s question was so unexpected that Fili just sat there looking stupid, or at least feeling as if he did.

“What do you mean?”

The older man looked at him steadily, the security specialist sizing up a job. “You came to Dublin to photograph and paint, I don’t believe finding someone like Kili was on your to-do list.”

The Kiwi chewed twice and swallowed. “Not exactly. I was looking for an…uh…hookup…when I met Kili.”

Thorin ignored his blush and sudden shyness. “I’m glad you’re honest about it. Kili wouldn’t tell me how you met. I’m really not as judgmental as he thinks. After all, you aren’t one of the tattooed, pierced BMX boys he was dragging around with for awhile.”

“You mean before his accident,” Fili added.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.” This time he smiled and it reached his eyes. “It seems that during rehab he acquired a sense of taste in partners. I must commend his doctor some day.”

“Even if I was looking for a hookup?” Fili wasn’t sure he was on firm ground here. “If it’s any comfort it was my first since I broke up with Daniel and my second ever.”

Thorin laughed and it boomed in Fili’s ears. “I know. Even if I wasn’t in security I’d know. You aren’t the type; that’s the reason you didn’t hear from me when Kili was practically moving in and ‘Fili’ was every other word in his vocabulary. I was happy he found someone who had some sense and was actually employed.”

It was Fili’s turn to laugh. “If you can call being an artist employed.”

“According to your agent you do more than all right.” He took a bite of his sandwich so that he wouldn’t have to talk about the fact that he’d obviously checked out the Kiwi’s finances. He looked innocent and chewed slowly.

Fili speared a chunk of corned beef, a smile twitching the corner of his lips. “Remind me to stay on your good side.”

“Oh, I’m not the one you have to worry about. Dwalin now, he knows how to bury bodies,” Thorin said evenly, his eyes sparkling as he teased Fili.

When Fili’s eyebrow shot up, Thorin relented. “Don’t worry. You passed the ‘boyfriend’ test long ago. Dwalin likes you and so do I.”

“How about the fiancé test?” There was just the slightest bit of hesitancy in the question.

“With flying colors. I hope this works out,” Thorin said, “I really do, and I am glad that the two of you have enough sense not to rush into anything. But I worry that you are alone in Dublin except for Kili. Have you made any friends, or contacts?”

“A few art contacts, but no, no I haven’t made any friends because there hasn’t been time. I know Kili and I are living in one another’s pockets and that isn’t good, but it’s hard to find the time, you know.”

Thorin nodded. “Kili always was high maintenance. Trust me, I know how that goes.” He looked down and just might have blushed the tiniest bit. “I can’t say that I have friends outside of my relationship either, but it’s healthier if you do.”

“That sounds like Father Grey talking,” Fili commented. He was beginning to get a pretty good idea of how the priest thought from what little he’d heard.

The older man chuckled, looking a little embarrassed. “Busted. But it’s not a bad idea, you know.”

Fili took a sip of his Harp and smiled in agreement. “I do need to meet people who aren’t related to Kili and he needs to make some friends, or even maybe reconnect to some of his old friends. I’m sure that will happen eventually. He did meet Tauriel at rehab, but I don’t think it’s gone further than them talking during their workout.”

Thorin raised his glass. Thorin clinked his glass against it. “To new friends and adventures.”

The blond shook his head and chuckled. “I hate adventures. They make you miss your dinner.”

The ride home was thoughtful. He had a lot to ponder. Relationships were hard. He had no idea why he had gone from one nearly straight into another. Then he smiled wryly. It was because hookups were even harder. He was just too shy to meet strange men and go home with them. It didn’t feel right. He laughed harder. It was apparently easier to pick them up, take them to his home, and not let them go. He was, he decided, a romantic idiot.

When came in he made a cup of tea and sat down at his watercolor easel. He picked up his paintbrush and then heaved a sigh and put it back down. He sat there looking at the paper, but not seeing it.

Fili had walked into that pub with the express purpose of picking up a nameless stranger for the night. He’d downloaded Grindr and looked at the ads. They were enough to scare you straight. He wasn’t a prude, but seeing a picture of someone’s erection before he even said “hello” wasn’t his style. He’d thought he’d do better in person where they could share a couple of drinks and maybe a little conversation first.

Fili had been hit on almost right away by a tall bloke with sandy hair and a nice smile. He’d allowed him to lead him onto the dance floor and had gotten into the music, letting the drink he’d downed too quickly settle into his stomach with a comforting ball of warmth. The warmth only lasted until he realized that the bloke was drunk and uncouth enough to offer him a live version of Grindr in the men’s room. He was in the process of making his escape when he looked up and saw Kili. The brunet had been a beacon in the storm leading him away from his shipwreck of a dancing partner, who after a few rude words lurched off after someone more accommodating.

The Kiwi been nearly to the table when he spotted the wheelchair. He had very nearly turned around, but then Kili laughed and he suddenly realized he could spend a very long time watching this man laugh, preferably being the cause of it.

His cousin did all right in a wheelchair, held a job, got married, had babies and even danced. Maybe the wheelchair wasn’t even permanent, but that laugh definitely was. He needed that laugh in his life and the smile that went with it, and the eyes that sparkled dark, and that gorgeous face…

The lunch that wasn’t even really a date was more his style than a pickup. Fili hadn’t intended to take Kili home and tuck him in his bed and hold him through a night of pain, but it had seemed the most natural thing in the world. He’d never been the one to bring home hurt animals and strays; that had been his brother, but he apparently shared the gene for nurturing. He felt like he got as good as he gave and he wasn’t the perfect catch either.

The Kiwi leaned back and sighed happily. That their sex life was so good was something that still amazed him. Kili had been so worried at first, and somehow helping Kili to overcome his fears had been healing for Fili as well. For the blonde the worry was less about Kili’s handicap than his own. Sex had always been something he was a little unsure of. He hadn’t really dated and had one rather disastrous hookup before meeting Daniel and then it was all about what the older man wanted.

Fili was nearly 19 when he met Daniel at a showing. It was his first time in an exhibition and he was so nervous he could hardly speak to anyone. Everyone looked the same to him, rich and haughty, until Daniel entered. Tall and elegant, his perfectly barbered auburn hair and honey-gold eyes were set off by a crème-colored linen shirt worn with the collar open and the sleeves rolled up. His casual look was belied by the quality of his wardrobe and the easy way he wore it. He radiated conference and when he strode across the gallery and held out his hand in greeting, Fili forgot his own name. He never remembered taking the proffered hand or the conversation that must have followed. All he remembered was looking up into those golden eyes and losing himself in them. 

Daniel bought the single painting that Fili had in the gallery and then insisted that the blond come and help him decide where to hang it. Fili had nervously declined, feeling that he would only make a fool of himself. The tall man was persistent until Fili relented and had found himself agreeing to go out for a drink after the show.

Daniel had escorted him out and held the door open to a wine dark convertible of European make that impressed Fili far too much and had driven him to a quiet bar on the water. There at a table looking over the harbor, Fili sipped his first martini and fell in love. The older man had been a perfect gentleman, seating him, ordering, and then driving him home at a respectable hour, all the while keeping his hands to himself.

When Daniel called and politely requested that Fili, or rather Philip, join him for dinner the next day, Fili was so flustered that it took him a moment to agree. He never did remember that evening, only bits and pieces of it. He felt like Cinderella at the ball. He hadn’t realized that he could be treated so graciously. He felt like the caterpillar being courted by the butterfly, and when Daniel took him home and made love to him, telling him how beautiful he was, he was certain the clock was going to strike midnight.

Midnight didn’t come for a long time in spite of the trauma of losing his family when he came out to them. Somehow Daniel was always there with the right thing to say and do to make him feel better. He bloomed under the older man’s care and became a very successful artist. Successful enough to support them both. Successful enough to be too busy to notice when Daniel stayed out too late, or the times he didn’t answer his phone.

When Fili began to ask questions, it all started to fall apart. The façade had always been enough because Fili chose to believe and chose to see what he wanted to be there. But when it crumbled there wasn’t enough substance there to sustain them, or even begin to heal Daniel’s transgressions. For the first time Fili had to face life without someone to support him and found that he was not at all prepared.

Daniel was a big man and didn’t hesitate to use his strength of body or personality to control people and that included Fili. He didn’t like people telling him no and the Kiwi found that he wasn’t above using his fists to make his point. That had only happened once, but it had been terrifying.

Fili had protested over a low price Daniel had put on one of his paintings and then dared to mention that the money never appeared in their joint account. He was unprepared for the larger man’s rage and accusations of “spying.” He was even less prepared for having him back his anger up with his fists.

Fili had ended up with a cracked rib which he diagnosed using Google, as he was forbidden to see a doctor. The black eye was more obvious as was the bruised jaw that made eating a misery for a week.

Daniel never left their apartment, staying home to “nurse” Fili, all the while gently telling him that he was sorry that Fili _made_ him do it. He didn’t _want_ to hit Fili because he loved him, but when he was accused of stealing he could hardly be blamed for getting angry. It was Fili’s fault and it was made plain that the only way to avoid it happening again was to mind his own business and never question Daniel.

Fili had sat there stiffly while Daniel tended to him. The artist was terrified, scarcely daring to breath, but not knowing if it was because he might be hit again, or that he might rise up and kill his abuser. For the first time he understood why the abused sometimes strike back. He was truly angry for the first time in his life and it gave him the strength to make the break.

There is no refuge for battered gay men. Fili had placated Daniel, quietly accepting apologies for the physical injuries, not to mention the shattered heart. That Daniel didn’t mean it was written in his body language and expression. He was sorry only for hitting Fili some place that it showed. After Daniel finally left to go to a meeting, he educated himself via the internet and realized that the next time the bruises wouldn’t show in public and would only get worse. Unless he wanted to live life as a punching bag he had to formulate a plan of escape.

When Daniel was finally willing to leave him alone, he started by going to see his agent. Sam had become a friend and was more than willing to conspire to hide sales. He also let Fili use his computer so that his web searches for how to handle leaving would not leave a trail. Next was their accountant, who was also gay and had been in a bad relationship himself once. The ball was rolling now inexorably downhill, and slowly but steadily funds drifted into Fili’s personal account until he had enough to move to London.

It had been worse than he thought to try to keep up appearances while waiting to escape. If Daniel found out it could get really bad. Abusers were never more dangerous than when their victims tried to leave. He was afraid of Daniel and learned to walk on eggshells. After a few days he felt like an actor playing a part and even started writing scripts in his head before he spoke. It was easier than he thought it would be to lie and he found he hated it.

That was one of the things he liked the best about Kili. He could be painfully honest and expect the same in return. No subject was taboo, from Kili’s butt needing inspection and bowel movements being a thing, to Fili’s inability to eat Mexican food without driving all living creatures from the building and his insecurity about the scar on his belly and his ability in bed. They did something that neither of them had ever done before – they talked. Kili still avoided discussion of his life before his accident and Fili danced around any discussion that involved Daniel. At some point they would become necessary topics, but for now the skeletons remained buried and their concentration was on the living.

And sex was one of the nicer aspects of living. With Kili sex was different than he had ever experienced it. He had to be creative and found he liked it. He wasn’t passive any longer. Fili had never been on top and had been very unsure of himself at first. Kili being worried about his own performance had helped Fili get over his own fears and they had explored this aspect of their relationship together as equal partners.

Fili had gotten so that he was no longer interested in sex. Before he was able to break free of Daniel it had become something he bore grimly. He felt as if something inside had broken and wasn’t at all sure he would ever want it mended. Being numb was so much better than being in pain. After he arrived in London, sex was the last thing on his mind. He was so busy with working things out with his new agent, setting up a show and meeting people that he didn’t have time to think about it. He’d been hit on a number of times, but neither his mind nor his body was interested. Even masturbating was a chore. There was no joy in it, just physical relief. He hated feeling like an old man at twenty-nine,and so the fateful trip to the pub in hopes of a hookup. He just wanted to see if the engine still ran. He hadn’t bargained on coming home with the entire train.

When he walked into the pub he had put on the persona of a man he didn’t even like. He just wanted to appear confident for once in his life and it wasn’t like he wasn’t already good at hiding who he really was. Once he met Kili the persona had melted away, leaving him defenseless to sparking dark eyes and that amazing smile. It had been an effort during their lunch at the pub to let Kili see the real Philip Durinson. This was when he realized how good he had become at hiding his real self.

He was still hiding in a way. He had holed up with Kili and had not made the rounds of the local art galleries like he should. His therapy session was in a few hours. This would give him something to discuss. He was tired of rehashing the dinner disaster with Dis. He frowned at his own mental alliteration. The last time they’d talked about telling his family about Kili, something he was still hesitant to do. In spite of their time together, being with Kili didn’t seem real or permanent. Good things never seemed to last for him. Maybe he could discuss his pessimism with Kathleen as well.

He probably also needed to discuss the fact that he didn’t feel like he needed to make friends in Dublin. He needed art contacts, but he really just didn’t feel the need to find someone else to hang out with. He’d grown to love Kili’s family and felt more at home with them than he did his own. If something happened to break them up he would probably leave Dublin and move to London, or maybe to the States. Right now and hopefully forever, it was home and he felt that it didn’t get any better than that.

He looked at the seascape in front of him with sudden distaste. This wasn’t what he wanted to work on. He picked up a rectangular canvas and positioned it. Picking up a pencil he started to sketch.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My eternal gratitude to Ceallaig for beta reading and offering excellent critiques. And to Pabu for her advice as well as her glorious art.
> 
> Hallie, who inspired "Chase" and writes "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us" is a paraplegic herself. SHE HAS RAISED ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY HER RACING WHEELCHAIR SO THAT SHE CAN COMPETE IN THE TOKYO PARALYMPICS!!! 
> 
> You are missing out on two great stories if you haven't read Hallie's "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us." In Rio both Aidan and Dean are wheelchair athletes at the Paralympics. [**Romance in Rio**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1093396) In "We're Fighters" Dean has epilepsy and Aidan is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. [**We're Fighters, Every One of Us**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/988916)
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, kudos, or creative criticism you don't want to put in a comment, please email me at drakkhammer@gmail.com
> 
> My new blog is: [Drakkhammerwrites](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/%22%22)
> 
> Be sure to follow Pabu's Tumblr [**hvit-ravn**](http://hvit-ravn.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thank you very much for reading. I hope you enjoy the story and the marvelous art.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'd say that I'm giving you sexytimes as a reward for waiting, but the truth is that I try to make all the sex scenes further their relationship. So have some furthering... ;)
> 
> May 10th was the 1 year anniversary of Chase. Thank you all so much for hanging in there and continuing to follow this story. I love each and every one of you. (((HUG!!!)))
> 
> Ps. Have fun with the links...this stuff is real.
> 
> Note: I'm sorry for writing a chapter that seems to be unpopular and triggering to some. I added a bit to make it clear that Fili was not adverse to Kili using a toy and that he trusts him completely. Everything is consensual and very loving.
> 
> Note 2. Pabu has requested that I remove her name from this story. She has left fandom. This is not my best day. :(

 

 

It had been a long week for Kili. He was still learning to swim and it took a lot of effort to not only stay above water, but to propel himself forward using only his arms. He felt the strain in his upper body, but kept pushing knowing that he was building the muscles he needed to race. Baring his teeth in a grim smile, he dug his hands into the water as if it were the enemy. He had no idea that his ‘smile’ was terrifying and that he had been dubbed “The Werewolf” by some of the regulars who didn’t know the sunny part of his personality. His coach thought it was hysterical, but never felt the need to share that with him. If a wolfish snarl helped drive him forward she’d throw him a raw steak.

Yesterday physio had been more interesting than usual. He was doing stretches with one of Bofur’s beloved elastic bands when Bifur lurched into view. He was walking with only a cane. His gait was stiff, but he was freaking walking!

Kili spotted him and gave a cheer. The older man came over, his pace slow but steady. He braced himself and returned Kili’s bro shake. They held on for a long moment, both of them grinning. Bifur burst out laughing.

“Walking…better.” His words were forced, but they were intelligible.

“I’ll say,” Kili laughed. “I’m glad someone got something from that stupid machine.”

“Yeah…but worked.” He stopped and frowned. “Need…one…for…brain.”

Kili grabbed his hand. “Man, the last time I saw you, you couldn’t talk for shit. That’s getting better, too. You’re doin’ it, dude!”

“Yeah…doin’ it.” His dark eyes were sparkling. “You…too.”

“Yeah, me too.” Kili winked at him. “Us hot dudes gotta stick together.”

Bifur laughed so hard that his cousin came over. “Are you harassing my man here?”

Kili looked up at Bofur. “Yup. He’s showing me up.”

The physio picked up the next level elastic band and handed it to Kili. “Then I guess you just have to work harder.”

The Irishman took it and groaned. He heaved an exaggerated sigh. “You see what I have to put up with?”

Bifur just laughed at him. “Work…harder.”

Kili laughed back…and worked harder.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Saturday hadn’t come soon enough for either man. Kili was aching from pushing himself too hard physically, and Fili was exhausted from pushing himself too hard artistically. The two of them had crashed and burned every night, promising that there would be sex soon, only to wake and realize that “soon” wasn’t here yet.

But it had been enough to take care of one another. Fili provided back rubs and massages with that marvelous new toy, as well as assisting in the shower, where he could direct a pounding stream of hot water to massage and soothe tight back and shoulder muscles. Kili, in turn, helped him to plan the painting for Thorin, so that he didn’t stress himself into a stroke over it.

“I’ve never had a client who gave me abso-freakin-lutely no direction,” Fili complained, flipping through his photos of the sea.

Kili had come over and sympathized for a moment, before settling down to help him sort through the photos. Thorin loved the sea and he loved Dublin, so they stuck with snapshots taken locally.

The brunet pointed to the monitor. “Back it up one.”

He looked at the photo and grinned. “This one. Can you paint this one, Fili? It’s Baily Lighthouse and I remember him saying once how beautiful the area is. We went past it on a ferry ride when I was a kid.”

Fili looked at the photo of the sea with the sun setting behind the lighthouse and smiled. “I can do this one. It’s one of my favorites, but I didn’t know if it had enough of the sea in it to suit Thorin.”

“He’ll love it and I love you.” Kili leaned in and kissed Fili gently. “It’s going to look awesome and everyone who sees it will want one like it. You will be rich and famous.”

The Kiwi burst out laughing. “All because of one painting? I’m impressed that you think so highly of me.”

“Naw, it’s not that. Dwalin will convince ‘em for you.” He poked Fili in the ribs, giving him a teasing grin.

“Speaking of Dwalin, did I remember to tell you that we are all going out tonight?” Kili had that “oops” expression that got him out of a multitude of scrapes.

The blond smiled and shook his head. “No, you didn’t and who is ‘all?’”

“I invited Tauriel and Legolas to go and hear Dwalin and Ori play tonight at Doyles. They’re only doing the first two sets, so we’ll have some to hang out afterwards.”

“I don’t suppose it occurred to you to ask me first?” Fili teased, booping the Irishman on the tip of his nose with a forefinger.

“Nope.” The grin was wide and infectious. “Ori called me and sorta was Ori and I know Dwalin wants to meet Legolas, so I couldn’t say no.”

Fili ignored the thought of the big Scotsman making people an offer they couldn’t refuse, or little Ori for that matter. “And why does Dwalin want to meet Legolas?”

“They’re both into whips and chains.” The grin was now positively evil.

Fili’s eyebrow vanished under the lock of hair that had fallen over his forehead.

“Naw, not really. Believe it or not, those two nerds collect Marvel comics and they want to compare collections to see if they can trade anything.”

If Fili’s eyebrow could have gone higher it would have ended up on the top of his head. “Dwalin collects comics?” It took a moment to process that thought. It just didn’t go with the ink and the piercings.

Kili snorted. “Well, he wasn’t always a biker, ya know.”

“True, but forgive me if I giggle when I see him tonight.”

“I’ll forgive you, but I’ll let you be the one to explain it to Dwalin. Anyway, we haven’t all been out together since you picked me up,” Kili teased, his dark eyes sparkling with mischief. “I thought maybe you’d like to see if there’s anything better out there.”

The blond pretended to frown. “There isn’t anything better out there. What more could I want than a smartarse Shamrock rippling with muscles?” He leered at Kili and licked his lips salaciously.

“So I’m a ripped Shamrock, am I?” He batted his eyes. “Is that all you see in me?”

Fili turned and slid his arms around the Irishman, pulling him in for a long slow kiss. “Mmm, I might also be addicted to your kisses.”

Kili giggled and Fili smiled at him wickedly. “If you’re fishing for compliments, let’s take this into the bedroom and I will spend the day playing show and tell with all the bits of you that I love.”

The brunet looked at the clock and then back to Fili. “I’m supposed to meet Tauriel at the pool. She agreed to give me some pointers and show me some exercises I should be doing.”

“So you’re meeting a beautiful woman without telling me about it.” Fili’s eyes took on a mournful look, brows pulling down and dimples vanishing. “This is how it starts. Clandestine rendezvouses and then the boyfriend is left behind while the lovers run off into the sunset together.”

Kili looked at him, mouth hanging slack, uncertain for a moment if he was taking the piss, or was serious. “What the fuck _are_ you drinking?” He picked up the cup and moved it out of the blond’s reach. “No more of this shit for you.”

Fili couldn’t stand it and burst out laughing. He stopped when he saw that Kili hadn’t joined him. “What’s the matter?” He was confused. “What did I say?”

The brunet frowned a little and then sighed. “It’s not you, it’s me.”

He looked up at Fili, his eyes darkening to nearly black. “I’ve done that before…cheated. I don’t ever want to be that person again.”

The blond reached out and took his hand, winding their fingers together. “Then don’t be. What’s past is past. I was kidding with you because I trust you.”

The reply was accompanied by a sigh that was more of a shudder. “I know you do. I want to believe that I trust me too.”

Fili was silent for a long moment. “Have you called that number that I got from Kathleen?”

“I thought not. I know the idea of talking to someone scares the shit out of you, but it’s past time that you manned up and did it. I seem to remember you telling me that your rehab mentor has been trying to get you to go for quite a while.”

The Irishman sat quietly looking down at their joined hands. Finally he replied, “I’ll call on Monday.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

Tauriel was waiting for him at the pool, looking stunning in a black racing suit with rainbow slashes sweeping from hip to shoulder.

He winked. “I like your suit.”

She winked back. “I thought you might. I’m kinda fond of the manbun.”

He might have blushed a little. “It keeps my hair outta my eyes.”

“Whatever you say.” Her voice was bright with teasing and this time he did blush. Delighted, she laughed and flipped her hair, which was caught back in a French braid. “Are you ready for this?”

He cocked his head. “Ready for what?”

“To have me half drown you, of course.”

Later, he had to admit that it was more like three quarters. She swam like a seal and seemed able to hold her breath forever. She was able to stay under for the length of the pool while he could make it for less than half. When he dragged himself into his chair to head for home he was still taking deep breaths. If he was going to train with her, it might be a good investment to buy an oxygen tank to take with him.

He got home at about half three and made straight for the kitchen to grab a cold sports drink. When he came into the studio he found Fili was still working on preliminary sketches for the painting. That wasn’t like him. He usually made one or two and then started on the canvas.

“Been busy?” Kili asked, chugging down the drink.

“Kinda. I had a couple of things to do.” He measured the distance between the lighthouse and the water using his pencil as a ruler.

“Hmmm,” Kili replied, finishing the drink.

Fili looked around. “Hmmm, what?”

“Oh nothin’, just wondered what you were up to.”

The Kiwi blushed a little. “Busted.” He put down the pencil and turned in his chair. “I spent some time online looking at…well…toys…”

Kili couldn’t have been more surprised. Fili was oddly shy about such things and had an adorable tendency to blush when talking about sex. He scooted over to the computer and turned it on.

“Show me. I demand proof.” His dark eyes were sparkling with mischief.

Putting up his drawing, Fili came over and sat down. He looked a little uncomfortable, so Kili reached out and drew him close. “You don’t have to do this with me if you don’t want to.”

Fili blushed furiously and shook his head. “I don’t know why I’m so silly about this. I’m an adult and it’s not like I don’t know about this stuff. I mean, gay men are supposed to have tons of these things and I just never felt the need.”

Kili kissed him gently and then a little more firmly, teasing the blond’s lips with the tip of his tongue. “I think it’s sweet and sexy and that you’re adorable when you get like this. It makes me want to haul you into the bedroom and ravish you.”

Fili looked up and grinned. “I’m glad you like it because I don’t seem to be able to stop. I never had sex toys. I think I kinda was one.” He lost his smile for a moment, but it came back when Kili kissed him gently.

“Don’t talk like that. You’re with me now and we’re a team. You’re the talented one and I’m the hot one.” He grinned wickedly and winked, ducking a gentle swipe from Fili.

“You’re gonna have to put on track shoes to keep up with me.”

Fili kissed him. “I’ll probably need rocket shoes. Now promise me you won’t tease me too much.”

Kili leaned back and looked at him, the gold leaving his eyes as his brows pulled down. “I promise I won’t. This is just between the two of us. You don’t make fun of me, why the bloody hell would I make fun of you?”

Fili couldn’t meet his eyes and Kili reached over and cupped his cheek, leaning in to kiss him tenderly. “The bad things are in the past, leave them there. Everything we do is new and bright and shiny because we are doing it together.”

The blond looked up, a tiny smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “That was very profound and very beautiful.”

Kili leaned forward and kissed the tip of his nose. “I’m not always as shallow as a puddle. I love you, you know.”

“I know.”

The Kiwi heaved a sigh and sat up straighter. “You own some toys, don’t you? I seem to remember you saying something about them once when you moved.”

It was Kili’s turn to blush. “Yeah. Well, I have a [neon purple jelly dong](http://www.bondara.co.uk/purple-jelly-pleasure-dildo) I bought when I was a kid and just trying to figure things out.” He cleared his throat nervously. “And I have an [Ass Palm Pal](http://www.lovehoney.com/product.cfm?p=7670&ReviewPage=1) I got as a gag gift on my birthday a few years back.”

“What’s an Ass Palm Pal?”

Now it was Kili’s turn to blush. He quickly typed the word and pulled up the site. The look on Fili’s face was priceless. “They actually make something like that?”

“Yeah, they do.”

“And guys buy it?”

“Yeah, they do.” He giggled. “Well I didn’t, but you can see for yourself that there’s a market for it.”

Fili’s eyebrows drew together. “Men are weird.”

Kili’s giggle turned into a full-throated laugh. “No argument there.”

“Did you use it?” The sparkle was back in Fili’s eyes.

“Oh jaysus,” Kili moaned, his face flushing. “Yeah, I used it. Satisfied now, Mr. Nosey?”

“Extremely.” Fili wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and it was Kili’s turn to blush.

Desperate to change the conversation, Kili typed: ‘sex toys gay,’ hit the enter key and the wonderful world of toys opened before them.

Their first stop was at a site innocently called [boyzshop.com](https://www.boyzshop.com/). Kili clicked. They froze and then exchanged looks that mirrored one another.

“What do you think ‘leather men and sex pigs’ are?” Fili asked quietly.

“I have a few guesses, but I think I’m afraid to find out,” Kili replied. “Should I click it?”

The blond shook his head. “I think there are some things best left un-poked.”

Kili laughed. “I think you’re right. I’m just a hopelessly vanilla boy. All I really need is you.”

“And maybe a massager. Maybe we better change up our search, yeah?”

“Yeah. Good idea.”

Over on goodvibes.com they were treated to an entire range of toys, some of which looked interesting and some were just weird. Kili clicked on [vibrating anal toys](http://www.goodvibes.com/display_category.jhtml?id=catalog70002_cat33936&navCount=0&navAction=jump) and a whole range and rainbow of devices came up, including a wicked looking purple dildo that made them both laugh. Some looked unusable and some looked like modern art. Kili had to admit that things had come a long way since he blushingly bought his purple jelly dildo at a sex shop so many years ago.

Kili rather liked the [Night Rider](http://www.goodvibes.com/display_product.jhtml?id=1-2-AN-0501&lref=Cat_catalog70002_cat33936__20) thinking it looked simple and inexpensive. However the reviews weren’t that good. Fili insisted he click on the improbably named the [Duke Vibrating Prostate Plug](http://www.goodvibes.com/display_product.jhtml?id=14BA16&lref=Cat_catalog70002_cat33936__6).  The Irishman was put off by the price, but Fili reminded him that you get what you pay for and they were looking for something that would be hands-free and provide a strong vibration. He took over and bought it.

Having made their first purchase, it was easier to continue to surf, look and make rude comments.

They came upon the [Viberect Massager](http://reflexonic.com/buy/) that was advertised as a medical device made for erectile dysfunction and spinal cord injury. Kili looked at the sterile white tongs that were anything but sexy and shook his head. “No fucking way! I wouldn’t let that near my dick. I don’t need it and I’m _not_ spending 266 euros on electric hot dog tongs!”

Fili had to agree. Kili had no trouble getting it up, or getting off for that matter. They were looking for something to enhance the experience, not kill it. They kept looking.

At [Adamevetoys.com](http://www.adamevetoys.com/) they clicked a few links and suddenly found themselves staring at [The Accomodator](http://www.adamevetoys.com/sp-the-accommodator-2030.aspx). Apparently a guy was supposed to strap it to his face so that the dildo stuck out from his chin. It looked like something out of a bad porn movie. A very very bad porn movie.

Fili paraphrased himself. “Straight people are weird.”

“No shit. I can’t imagine being drunk enough to strap that thing to my face.”

Kili paused and then asked, “Have you ever been with a woman?”    

Fili shook his head. “I never wanted to. Have you?”

“Yeah. Once.” Kili looked a little embarrassed and fidgeted with the mouse.

“Don't stop there.”

“I…uh…was pretty high and more than a little drunk. It seemed like a good idea at the time.” He clicked on a link desperate to change the subject.

“How was it?” Fili was half teasing and half really wanting to know.

“Soft. It was very soft. Kinda nice, but I had trouble coming. I’m used to things being…uh…tighter. She was a nice girl, but when she and I were sober both she and I had to admit it was one time only.” He giggled and ducked his head. “Apparently I wasn't that hot when she wasn't stoned.”

Fili burst out laughing. “Well, I think you’re hot. And you and I are looking at hot toys, so what does she know?”

“You’re adorable when you're not making sense, but please don’t stop. I love shopping with you.”

After more clicking and giggling they found what they were looking for. Kili was unsure and Fili was far too eager to buy it, but both had to admit that the [Hammerhead Vibrating Stroker](http://www.adamevetoys.com/sp-hammerhead-vibrating-stroker-91857.aspx) looked impressive even if the name was terrifying. It looked like it could replicate the feeling of the muscle massager and the reviews were good. Fili groaned when he couldn’t find express shipping.

Kili shook his head and laughed. “For someone who was so shy ten minutes ago you sure got on board with this.”

The blond looked a little embarrassed. “I just started to think of how you were going to look stretched out and turned on with me making you crazy every way I can think of.”

Kili’s breath shivered and caught as Fili’s words went straight to his groin. He reached over and slid his arms around the Kiwi, pulling him close for a long lush kiss. “You wouldn’t like to put those thoughts into action, would you?”

Fili’s tongue skated over the shell of his ear, the words hot and wicked. “Come into the bedroom where I can fuck you into the mattress.”

“Oh, yeah.” Kili was headed for the loo before Fili could say anything else.

~ ~ ~

 

Two wash-ups later Fili arranged the covers, threw down a sheet to contain any mess and hopped onto the bed. Kili, however was rummaging through the bottom drawer in his dresser.

“Mmm, thought you wanted to play a little,” the blond observed as he fluffed his pillow.

“I do, but that shopping got me thinking and I… Yay, here they are!” He pulled out an Aldi bag and reached in, pulling out the contents like a magician hauling a rabbit out of a hat. That is, if the rabbit was neon purple and shaped like a penis.

“You are _not_ going to use that on me!” Fili laughed as he grabbed Kili’s pillow and threw it at him.

The Irishman deftly fielded the missle and threw it on the foot of the bed. Grinning like an idiot, he jammed the slender dildo in his own crotch so that it stuck out looking as if he’d had a random encounter with a jar of grape jam. He gave it a swat and it rocked back and forth fetchingly.

By the time he reached the bed they were both laughing. He had a harder time than usual transferring to the bed as he was determined to hold onto his flamboyant ‘erection’.

After arranging his legs, Kili flopped back, grinning. “Have your way with me, I’m all yours.”

“I’d say the jeans spoil the effect except that this whole thing is too ridiculous to deal with.” Fili reached out with one finger and gave the dong a poke. It obligingly wobbled back and forth, sending them both into fits of giggles.

“Why purple?” Fili asked, poking it again.

“I was young, embarrassed and it was the closest one to me, so I grabbed it, paid and fled like my arse was on fire.”

Fili didn’t know what was funnier the expression on Kili’s face, or the mental image of a young Kili buying a dildo at a lightspeed and then racing out of the shop.

Kili finally grabbed it and shoved it under his pillow. “Stop giggling like a idjit and and help me off with my pants.”

Fili slid down on the bed. “I thought you’d never ask.”

The blond slid down and removed the dildo with two fingers, setting it down on the bed. He then slowly unbuttoned Kili’s jeans and then inch by inch peeled them down. The black underwear was sexy even if it was only cotton boxer-briefs. Anything black against Kili’s olive skin was sexy. For a fleeting moment Fili wondered how he’d look in in black lace, or maybe silk leopard skin. He felt himself blush and hid it by pressing a kiss onto the sleek abdomen under his hands.

The jeans slid off and the boxer-briefs followed. Fili tossed them to the floor and then turned to admire his gorgeous Irishman. Kili was laying there smiling, his dark eyes sparkling and a come hither look on his face. He was hard and it twitched lazily under Fili’s gaze.

Not wanting to rush things, Fili ran the palm of his hand up Kili’s leg, letting his fingers caress the indentations of the scars. He looked into the younger man’s face and saw only pleasure and welcome. There was a time when the scars he was caressing were a source of shame and sex was only comfortable in the dark. Kili had come so far in such a short time.

He glanced down at his own belly and the long white scar that ended in a pucker. He wished he looked as good as Kili did to him. He heaved a sigh and pushed the thought away. Apparently he still had a way to go. He could see that Kili’s focus wasn’t on his scar; it was lower and burned hot, causing him to fill even more and grow heavy with need.

Kili had a smile that promised pleasure. His eyes were dark with lust and he slid one forefinger into his mouth sucking and then licking it slowly. “I want you,” he whispered.

For a moment Fili thought it was all over and that he was going to come right there and then. Lust rolled from the base of his spine to the tip of his cock and a slow drip of precome landed on Kili’s thigh. He dragged his finger through it and then held his finger out to the Irishman. Kili’s tongue flicked out and teased the slickness away.

“Why don’t you bring that up here?” His voice was low and rough with desire.

“Oh yeah…”

He slid forward on the bed and carefully straddled Kili’s shoulders, letting the brunet guide him. Both of Kili’s hands were behind Fili so he had to rely on the brunet taking the lead.

“Is this okay, are you comfortable?” Fili asked before pressing forward.

“Damn straight, now stop teasing me.” There was a sharpness to his voice brought on by need.

The blond leaned forward then moaned softly as warm lips and a questing tongue teased at the head, pulling his foreskin and delving beneath it to the exquisitely sensitive head. He shuddered, grabbed the headboard to steady himself and pushed slowly forward. He slid in easily as Kili’s mouth opened to accommodate him.

It was warm and slick and that tongue was doing wicked things that made Fili’s breath catch and his body shiver. He grabbed onto the headboard with the other hand and clenched his fists to gain control. He couldn’t thrust, he had to move gently, yet everything urged him to press deep into that warm cavern and make it his.

Kili loved the feeling of taking Fili’s cock into his mouth. Everything about it was a turn-on from the musky scent, to the conflicting sensations of hard and soft, to the knowledge that he was giving incredible pleasure. Feeling Fili’s hesitance, Kili gripped the blond’s arse cheeks and pressed forward, letting him know that he could go deeper. There were more shudders and a sigh as Fili took the hint and pressed more of his length into the Irishman’s willing mouth.

Fili reached down and surrounded his cock with several fingers to keep himself from accidentally going too deep. Kili frowned, preferring to do all the work himself, but relaxed when Fili smiled down at him and whispered, “I love you.”

The blond was concentrating on the feeling in his cock when he noticed something else was going on. Slick fingers teased his back entrance, stroking and pressing against his sphincter. It felt wonderful and he pushed back a little in encouragement, sighing as a finger breached him and slid past his prostate. He tensed for a moment and then made himself relax as a second finger joined it.

He’d never done this before, at least not with him on top, and the sensations threatened to overwhelm him. His breath came in stutters and his fingernails dug into the headboard as he struggled to control himself and hold still for the pleasure Kili was giving him.

After a moment he felt something cool press against his opening and then slide in. It took a few moments for his brain to register what was happening. Apparently Kili felt this was the time to introduce toys and he knew exactly what his partner had done. He was amused and embarrassed for about a half a second. The moment it nudged his prostate, Fili forgot about everything except the bolt of pleasure that raced through his groin to his cock.

The Kiwi was good friends with his prostate and had not been fucked since breaking up with Daniel. He realized how much he had missed the feeling of being filled. Kili planned to ask if he could take Fili’s weight when he had his next exam, so being taken wasn’t something he thought about, but this was delicious. He felt mildly silly at first, but his reaction to it had told Kili that it was welcome and the Irishman was using that new strength in his arms to please his partner.  

He looked down at Kili who looked back with eyes of ebony, pupils gone black with lust. He was slick with sweat, his dark hair curling in tendrils around his face. Fili thought he was the most beautiful man he had ever seen.

“Suck me,” he whispered. “I love you so much.”

A muffled groan was his answer and strong hands pressed the dildo deeper, giving him permission not to hold back. Kili wanted his lover every way he could get him. He was hungry for the taste of him, the feel of him spurting across his tongue. He did as Fili asked and sucked as hard as he could.

Fili was close, so very close. He started to pull back, thinking to change positions, but strong hands held him tightly, keeping him in place. Impaled and forced forward, he went deep into the Irishman’s willing mouth. Kili swallowed eagerly, incredibly turned on by Fili’s arousal.

Unable to contain himself, Fili thrust forward, pressing deeper, his body tensing and shivering as his orgasm raced through him, a storm of pleasure that turned the world black with tiny flashes of light. He poured his completion into Kili’s willing mouth. Their moans rose and blended.

Kili swallowed hard. He had no idea why this turned him on so much. He loved the feel and the view and even the bitter fluid that spattered over his tongue. Most of all he loved the power – the knowledge that he could utterly destroy the man he loved. Fili was hanging onto the headboard, gasping, his pupils still dilated and unseeing. He dripped sweat, his hair was plastered to his forehead in damp curls and he never looked more gorgeous. The Irishman thought that even though he’d fallen off the carousel, he still somehow managed to grab the brass ring.

Awareness returned slowly, then Fili looked down into brown eyes that bled to honey-gold and smiled. Slowly he withdrew his softening erection, then reached down and ran a gentle thumb over Kili’s lips, wiping away the excess. This earned him a loving smile and he felt his heart clench. How was it possible to be this happy? He fleetingly remembered looking at a bottle of pills and thinking this kind of joy could never be his. He was so very very wrong.

Sliding off of the brunet’s chest, he leaned down to claim his lips in a lingering kiss that tasted of pleasure and love.

“Mmmm…your turn now,” Fili whispered, licking Kili’s top lip, following the cupid’s bow and making him smile again.

“Better make it good, you owe me one,” came the immediate reply, punctuated by a kiss.

“I think I owe you more than one.” He slid his hand down Kili’s chest and stopped to play with his nipple. “I’ll see what I can do for you. That was amazing and I still have a purple dong in my arse. If I wasn’t so happy I’d feel like an idiot.”

Kili leaned up and kissed him, teasing his lips with a questing tongue. “The best part about good sex is not having to feel like an idiot. If it feels good, then it is good. But since I have to admit that I wouldn’t be adverse to an application of that bit of purple, you might want to remove it.”

“And wash it,” Fili laughed as he rolled over and off the bed.

When he came back from the loo, he resisted the urge to wave it around and make lightsaber noises, but just barely. 

Fili slid into bed and kissed his Irishman slowly and lasciviously with slick tongue and nibbling lips. Kili’s breath hissed in his throat as he wound his arms around Fili and returned the hot kiss.

He was so ready, his cock was dripping and felt huge--the weight of it made it dip and sway as he arched upward. He had concentrated on Fili and ignored himself, but now his lust was demanding that he satisfy it. The blond was only too happy to assist.

Fili nuzzled Kili’s neck, flicking it with his tongue and stopping to suck, at first gently then harder. The Irishman knew he’d have a bruise there later, but the mild sting felt good and only aroused him further. Fili licked across a chest thick with dark wiry hair that parted under his tongue to reveal olive flesh that was hot to the touch. He nibbled his way to a dusky pink nipple and claimed it. He licked and then nipped just shy of pain. It stood up hard between his lips, demanding more attention, zings of pleasure rocketing down to the tip of Kili’s cock.

His nipples had always been sensitive and he loved the way Fili played with them, alternating gentle touches with firmer, the cool of the beads at the tips of his mustache dragging against sensitized skin, making it tingle. The hard little nubs responded enthusiastically and Fili spent enough time with them to have his partner begging him to move lower.

“Your wish is my command, my lord,” he teased as his tongue swept downward to lap kitten-like at the pool of shimmery pre-come that had pooled there. Rising up, he licked at the tip of the Irishman’s cock.

Kili’s reaction was immediate. A moan ripped out of his throat, ragged and pleading. “Suck me, Fili,” he commanded. “Now!”

Suppressing a grin, Fili complied. He licked the length of the shaft and then slid down on it as far as he could, sucking hard and licking as he rose back up the throbbing column. He loved the feeling of it in his mouth. There was something incredible about that combination of steel and velvet. Hard and soft and so erotic. He felt himself stiffen in response.

“You are so hot,” Kili whispered. “So fuckin’ hot…”

He tangled his fingers in Fili’s golden curls, directing the speed and depth. The Kiwi reached up and wrapped his fingers around the base, both to stimulate and to keep from going too deep. He let his partner control him, knowing he was giving Kili exactly what he needed.

Fili’s other hand played with the marvelous globes held in a bag of velvet and silk. He had placed the lube where he could reach it and one-handed squeezed some out onto his fingers. Sweeping the slickness down to Kili’s delicate pucker, he rubbed and teased it, while applying pressure against the perineum with his thumb. Mumbling something in Gaelic, Kili arched as much as he could, begging for more.

Even though he’d pulled Kili’s leg a bit to one side, reaching him was difficult and Fili’s arm and shoulders were feeling the unaccustomed stretch. He could do one or the other, but doing both at the same time was more multitasking than he could handle.

Reluctantly Fili pulled off of Kili’s cock, ignoring the groan of protest.

He turned around and slid down on the bed. Working carefully, he slid his legs under Kili’s so that they were lifted up and out, but he still didn’t have access. Reaching back, he grabbed the pillow Kili had fielded.

He slapped Kili’s thigh to get his attention. “Roll to the right, will ya?”

It took the brunet a moment to process the order. He grabbed the edge of the bed and pulled himself over without question. He didn’t feel the pillow being slid under his hips, but he was aware of being pushed higher. _Ah yis_ …

Fili rolled him back and positioned his legs on top. Another adjustment and _voilà_ – access!

Grinning, he applied more lube to his fingers and began to stroke and tease, sensitizing the delicate tissue and relaxing the entrance. He looked up to see Kili drifting in the feeling, hands sliding down his own chest to toy and squeeze his nipples. He sighed happily at the combination of sensations. It was pleasant to let it build until he had to give in and start demanding.

Kili had never liked the idea of being a bottom. In the past he’d always equated it with submission, but with Fiili it was simply what worked with the nerve damage. The Kiwi was in no way dominant, but in turn, did not like being dominated. So they had worked out an equality that suited them both. Not having roles to play left them open to experimentation, something Fili was becoming increasingly more comfortable with.

The blond smiled at his beautiful dark Irishman, who was alternately watching him and closing his eyes in pleasure. Slowly he slipped in a finger and worked it around gently, urging the tight opening to relax. Gradually he introduced a second one and Kili moaned softly. Fili reached up to stroke Kili’s erection, but the brunet beat him to it.

Long fingers curved around his cock and squeezed. Fili’s breath caught in his throat for a moment.

“Jerk off for me,” he begged, his voice raw with lust. “I want to watch you. I want to see what you like.”

The reply was a lazy smile with the tip of a pink tongue rolling over kiss reddened lips. “Are you sure you want me to do it?”

“God yes. I want to see you make yourself come.” Suddenly he had never wanted anything more. “You are so beautiful. Please, please come for me.”

Kili’s voice was breathy and caught in his throat. “Watch me, Fili. Watch how hot you make me. Watch what you do to me.” Strong fingers teased the underside and then clenched in a tighter grip as the blond’s fingers found and brushed over that sweet spot deep inside him. They withdrew slowly and a cooler smoother object pressed in. If Kili had been able to move he would have thrust up, frustrated with the caution Fili was using.

The blond pressed it forward until Kili was breached and then getting a grip on it, slid the purple dildo all the way in. The response was a long groan. Watching his partner intently, Fili worked it in and out, striving for just the right angle and speed. He had thought he’d feel stupid fucking Kili with a dildo, but instead he found it incredibly hot. He was giving him pleasure and for the first time could watch the action. It was filthy and hot and so utterly beautiful.

It didn’t take long to find the right position. Fili worked it in and out at first slowly and then faster as Kili’s lust rose. The Irishman worked his cock, at first showing off for Fili, but then as his orgasm began to pool in his balls and cock, he forgot about everything except chasing his pleasure. He looked down into Fili’s eyes, holding his gaze.

“Watch me. Watch me. Watch how much you turn me on,” he commanded. “You make me crazy…Now. Now! Oh please…now!”

Words failed and only feeling remained. His hand stuttered, the smoothness of his rhythm interrupted by the incandescence of his orgasm. It seemed to start deep within and then rolled up into his cock. He was blind. He was soaring. There was no gravity, only blackness and stars as he hit zenith and hung weightless in space.

When his orgasm broke into aftershocks, Kili crashed back down, desperate for air. He sobbed as he drew in long breaths, letting them out in ragged sighs. He was shattered, spent, with nothing left. He felt as if he no longer had the energy to open his eyes.

“I love you,” Fili whispered, “I love you so much.”

Taking a gulp of air, Kili opened his eyes and smiled. “I love you, too. You are fucking amazing.”

Smiling happily, the Kiwi slowly removed the toy and dropped it to the floor. He’d get to it later. Right now there was a gorgeous Irishman who needed his attention.

Extracting himself from between Kili’s legs he slid upward on the bed and cupped his face for a long sweet kiss. He pressed himself against Kili, cuddling even though they were both hot and sweaty.

There was a chuckle and Kili turned to him, nibbling his lower lip before he said, “Someone still needs some attention.”

“Naw, I’m okay. It’ll go away in a minute,” Fili murmured returning the kiss.

“Nope. Not gonna happen. You got to watch me, now I want to watch you.”

Fili wasn’t sure what to think. His first thought was to refuse. He’d been ordered to do it in the past and suddenly his mind whirled with ugly memories. He froze, his expression betraying his thoughts.

Kili pulled back and ran a gentle hand down Fili’s cheek. “I’m serious. I want to watch you get yourself off. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I’d love to see it.”

He slid his hand down over Fili’s chest, teasing his nipples for a second and then continuing downward to palm the hot erection that pressed against his side. “I love you and I love that you are still turned on,” he purred. “I want to see you shoot.”

The intensity in his voice turned Fili on even more. He was tired of being shy in front of a man who loved him. He was tired of dragging old baggage with Daniel into a bedroom where he had no place being. The past was behind him and his future was this beautiful man with the sparkling eyes and killer smile. It was time to kick the bad times and nightmares out of his life forever.

“What do you want to see me do?” Fili’s voice was like silk. It purred in Kili’s ear and he shifted his body and propped his head up with the pillow.

“I want to see what you like. Teach me what feels the best.” He licked his lips suggestively. “I want to see it all. I want to see your beautiful dick in action.”

The blond lay back and trailed his fingers down his chest, stopping to pinch his nipple until it sent shocks down to his balls. He moved on down and used one hand to juggle his balls, letting them slide in their pouch, teasing himself for a moment before bringing his right hand into play. He grasped his shaft firmly and squeezed. A shimmering drop of precome pearled at the tip. Raising his thumb, he caught the slickness and swirled it over the swollen head.

Looking over he could see Kili watching him intently, his golden eyes gone dark with lust. He looked up into Fili’s eyes and smiled, then returned his attention to the matter at hand.

With Kili looking on it didn’t take long. A little lube, golden eyes and intent expression for motivation and within a few minutes, Fili found himself arching to treat Kili to the sight of his orgasm. He spattered himself liberally, the creamy fluid shimmering in the dappled sunlight from the window.

“Awesome.” Kili smiled as he reached down to trace circles through crisp damp belly hair.

“Aces,” Fili sighed. “That was just aces.”

He rolled over and kissed the Irishman tenderly. “I’m sorry I hesitated.”

“Naw, don’t worry about it. You were a good boy and I was a bad boy, that’s all.” He kissed the tip of Fili’s nose.

“No, that’s not it. I had to do it before. Or…well…I felt like I had to do it. I look back and think how stupid I was and how much I lost.” Kili took his hand and held it tightly, looking at him as if he wanted to hold Fili forever. “I see that look on your face and I remember that all of that is in the past. We are making a future together.”

“We’re writing our own story, as Ori once said. There isn’t anyone here in this bedroom but us and what we do here is just between the two of us.” Kili squeezed his partner’s hand. “I have bad things in the past I gotta leave behind, too. Everything now is just for us.”

“I love you so much, Kili!” He pulled the Irishman into his arms and held him for a long time.

When they parted there was a pull of stuck chest hair. Fili burst into laugher. “We are a splooge sandwich. Shall I fetch your shower chair, mi’lord?”

“If we plan to go out, I believe that would be way past a great idea. I don’t think we can go out in public looking like this,” Kili replied looking ruefully at his chest.

“I think you look awesome, but then I’m a pervert,” came the snappy reply as Fili headed for the door.

Kili watched the most gorgeous arse in the world make an exit and lay back smiling. Yes he’d definitely grabbed the brass ring. Dwalin and Ori were going to drink for free tonight. He owed them big time for dragging him to that pub. He was going to drink a toast to friends and to love and have an amazingly good time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and thank you all for the comments. I think that the ability to get instant feedback is one thing that pro-writers lack. Compliments are always nice, but it's also good to know when something you have written has touched someone, or when it rings true to the character. It's also always good to know when there is a problem. Today there is far too little constructive criticism and people feel they have to always be a cheering section. I don't feel that this does anyone any good. You can't fix what you don't know is wrong. 
> 
> My eternal gratitude to Ceallaig for beta reading and offering excellent critiques. And to Pabu for her advice as well as her glorious art.
> 
> Hallie, who inspired "Chase" and writes "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us" is a paraplegic herself. SHE HAS RAISED ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY HER RACING WHEELCHAIR SO THAT SHE CAN COMPETE IN THE TOKYO PARALYMPICS!!! 
> 
> You are missing out on two great stories if you haven't read Hallie's "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us." In Rio both Aidan and Dean are wheelchair athletes at the Paralympics. [**Romance in Rio**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1093396) In "We're Fighters" Dean has epilepsy and Aidan is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. [**We're Fighters, Every One of Us**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/988916)
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, kudos, or creative criticism you don't want to put in a comment, please email me at drakkhammer@gmail.com
> 
> Be sure to follow Pabu's Tumblr [**hvit-ravn**](http://hvit-ravn.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> My blog is [**Drakkhammerwrites**](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/) It was supposed to be a writing blog but I spend so much time actually writing that I rarely have time to write about writing. So it's mostly Hobbit related goodies and cute critters with a tour into activism now and again. I maintain a number of side blogs that are divided by subject and contain a lot of goodies I wanted to keep. For older Hobbit stuff my less active blog is: [**Awesomeheirsofdurin**](http://awesomeheirsofdurin.tumblr.com/) and I also have a collection of sideblogs there because who wants to lose gorgeous art and pics of the lads?


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the gang to meet each other, knock back a few pints and enjoy awesome food, conversation and music. 
> 
> Also, please forgive the AU timeline, Ireland went and got progressive on me in a hurry. ;)
> 
>  
> 
> Note: Sorry I've been away. Things are going better now and I hope that they will continue to go well. Depression sucks. :p

Fili and Kili arrived at Doyle’s an two hours before the band was to start in order to find a table and grab one of the burgers the pub was famous for.

”Are Dwalin and Ori here yet?” Kili asked as he rolled over to the bar. He’d opted for a black T-shirt with Doyle’s green shamrock and Celtic knot logo on it and matching black jeans.

Michael Doyle grinned at him. “Nope.” He jerked a thumb at Kili’s chest. “Nice shirt you got on laddy-buck.” He was wearing one himself, although his ample belly made the shirt read “oyle” from Kili’s perspective.

“Yeah someone brought it to me when I was in the hospital along with food prepared by the angels themselves.”

“Go on with ya and yer honey tongue,” Doyle retorted. “I was just advertizin’ and you happened to be in me way.”

“Whatever you say.” Kili’s grin mirrored Doyle’s. “That advertising kept me alive when I thought I couldn’t eat one more hospital meal.”

One of the waitresses came up and Doyle, waved Kili away. “Some of us have to work for a living. Go tell Ileene I said to give ya a decent table and for the love of Mary don’t go telling people I gave ya free food. Every waster in Dubs will be knockin’ on me door.”

Laughing, Kili made his way to a pretty girl who looked more Spanish than Irish. She smiled at him and led him toward the back of the pub. He waved to Fili to follow him and they were placed at a table close to the band, but with plenty of room for both Kili and Tauriel’s chairs.

Their waitress came up and left a stack of menus. Fili had just picked his up when he saw a tall blond man accompanied by a pretty woman in a wheelchair enter the pub. He tapped Kili on the arm and pointed. “Is that them?”

“Yeah, it is.” Kili waved and the young couple made their way over to the table.

Tauriel was gorgeous. She let her hair fall in an auburn cascade, her light application of make up emphasized perfect features and eyes that Fili would swear were cadmium green. She wore a delicate crème peasant blouse embroidered around the collar with violets. Her long legs were covered by a matching skirt that left only the tips of her sandals peeking out. The Kiwi did his best not to stare at Legolas.

Fili stood to welcome her to the table and took the hand that her husband proffered. “You must be Fili,” he said with a radiant smile. Turning he extended his hand to Kili. “And you must be Kili who I’ve heard so much about. I’m Legolas, Tauriel’s husband.”

Kili looked up at the tall man with the cascade of platinum hair and took his hand. He was, quite frankly, the most gorgeous man Kili had ever seen. He wore a casual cotton shirt that was the same blue as his eyes and black chinos. He made the outfit look as good as a tux. If he was aware of the brunette’s gaze, he didn’t show it. After their greetings he helped his wife position her chair.

Legolas looked at Kili, his pale blue eyes keen with interest. “Tauriel tells me that you are serious about getting into wheelchair racing.”

“Yeah, I used to race BMX, but obviously I can’t do that anymore,” Kili replied, smacking the wheel of his chair. He also mentally smacked himself. This was serious business and how Legolas looked was unimportant. He pulled himself back into the conversation, failing to notice the momentary frown on Fili’s face.

Legolas nodded, “So you swapped two wheels for four and now are going to three. Try to think of it as an upgrade. You’ll need a coach. If you like, I can work with you until you decide for sure if this is what you want to do or not.”

Kili was surprised by the offer. “Naw, I don’t want to take advantage. I’ll find someone.”

The blond smiled warmly. “It would be my pleasure. You won’t be the first bloke I’ve started out. Coaches can be expensive and hard to find. Anyway, I like doing this, giving something back is important.”

Tauriel threw her arm around her husband’s shoulders and gave a squeeze. “Besides, it’s part of the Olympic spirit.”

Turning to Fili she smiled. “So I understand that you are quite the artist.”

The blond felt himself blush. He was fumbling for something to say when Kili cut in. “He’s pretty successful back in New Zealand and has done brilliantly in London,” he said enthusiastically. “He’s working on a big painting of Howth Head and Baily Lighthouse for my uncle’s main office right now.”

He reached for Fili’s hand and intertwined their fingers. “He’s also a brilliant photographer.”

Fili blush had deepened to Tauriel’s amusement and delight. “You have quite a fan there,” she said nodding toward Kili. “Perhaps we can persuade you to take some photographs of the races that are coming up.”

He nodded, feeling more shy than usual. These two were so open and friendly that he felt himself responding in kind. “It won’t take any persuading, it will be my pleasure. Kili’s been a little camera shy. Maybe you can talk him into sitting for me. He’s been a tad reluctant.”

She batted her eyes at Kili. “Of course he will. Won’t you, love?”

Kili wasn’t sure what to reply to that, but was saved by the arrival of Dwalin and Ori. The two men came up and suddenly it was old home week.

“You bastard!” Dwalin thundered. “If I’d known I was comin’ ta meet _you_ …”

The table and half the pub was suddenly silent. He looked down at Legolas with a frown that suddenly split into a grin. Turning to Kili he said, “This bloody bugger beat me to Fantastic Four #23, the only one I needed to complete my collection.”

Legolas threw back his head and laughed. “Just because all those muscles make you slow, isn’t any reason to blame me. Anyway, I saw it first.”

“True, but you still stole it,” Dwalin pouted.

“Boys, boys, “Tauriel said soothingly, with a wink at Kili. “You may know each other, but I’d like an introduction. And these lovely people around us would like to know that you two are going to behave.”

Dwalin looked around at the silent customers and felt a blush creep up his neck. “Sorry,” he mumbled and took a seat.

Ori, acting like nothing had happened, leaned over and took Tauriel’s hand. “I’m Ori and this barbarian is Dwalin.”

She flashed a melting smile. “I’m pleased to meet you. I understand you’re playing with the band tonight. What do you play?”

“I play keyboards and Dwalin plays the bodhrán because he likes to beat on things.” The reply was roguish, the wink even more so.

“Oh, I am in grand company tonight!” She turned to Kili. “Thank you for inviting us, this is going to be awesome.”

“It will be even awesomer when you hear them play,” Kili shot back. “Ori can play anything on his keyboards, even bagpipe and when he’s not acting the maggot, Dwalin is a damn fine bodhrán player.”

“Stop it laddie, yer makin’ me blush,” he growled from across the table.

Jerking his thumb toward Kili, he said, “Give that one a violin and you’ll hear the sweetest music in all of Ireland, north and south.”

It was Kili’s turn to blush. “I do alright.” Eager to change the subject, he pointed out that the waitress was back and they hadn’t even looked at their menus.

The food was good as was the conversation. Legolas and Dwalin, ended up sitting together comparing their collections while the others talked about racing. Ori astounded them with his knowledge of the subject. When questioned, he puffed out his chest and quoted “The Mummy.” “I am a librarian.”

“And you’ve also listened to me talk non-stop about it for the last few weeks,” Kili teased.

“And in turn, he’s talked to _me_ non-stop about it,” the Scotsman added, smacking Ori’s shoulder gently.

Everyone laughed. It was obvious that Dwalin adored Ori and that the feeling was returned. They made an adorable the brawny Scot with the little Brit who looked made of paper compared to Dwalin’s who looked carved of tattooed stone, but who obviously wore the pants in the family.

When the conversation lulled, Tauriel went digging in her purse and pulled out a baggie. She dumped the contents on the table and started handing them out. Equality pins, she explained unnecessarily. The rainbow “YES” was pretty obvious.

Ori pounced on his, pinning it to his shirt. “Where did you get them, every place I went was all out.”

She winked. “I have connections. They arrived in the mail this morning and I thought I’d share them.”

Kili looked at his for a long moment before pinning it on. “Do you think it’ll happen, the referendum, I mean? We’re a pretty conservative lot. It’s failed repeatedly in Northern Ireland.”

“We aren’t them. Here, we value equality,” Legolas replied, a slight edge to his voice. “We have a pretty good separation of church and state. It helps that the Pope is far more open than any before him. Besides the Irish have never liked being told what they can and can’t do.”

Kili nodded. “Yeah, we’ve seen first hand the damage prejudice can do. Besides, it hasn’t destroyed Scotland although it might make the North a little nervous.”

Dwalin pinned his to his t-shirt collar. “The North can go hang. They don’t know who the fuck they are. What’s important is that the referendum makes it into law here. It will change things for so many people.”

Kili pinned his on upside down and then righted it. “And there will be a wedding.”

The big Scot looked a little startled until Kili threw a balled-up napkin at him. “Uncle Thorin and Bilbo, of course. Unless you two are going to finally make it legal.”

“I was thinking more along the lines of you lads.”

Fili chuckled and Kili shook his head. “We’re not there yet. We’re got too much to do to be thinking about that, but Uncle and Bilbo, now that will be the craic.”

He looked over at Tauriel. “My uncle has been with Bilbo for over twenty years and it’s high time they made it legal.”

She thought a minute. “Would that be Bilbo Baggins, the chef? I have a couple of his cookbooks.”

“The one and only,” the Irishman admitted. “He’s amazing in a lot of ways. I imagine he keeps my uncle on his toes, but he’s been awesome to have in the family. I get birthday cakes others can only dream about.” He heaved a sigh as he remembered his last three-layer chocolate dream.

“If they get married you have to sneak us in. I’d kill to meet him,” she pleaded as Legolas sat there rolling his eyes.

“No sneaking,” Kili proclaimed. “You will be guests of honor. I’ll make sure he gives you all his best recipes, even the one he caught Thorin with.”

“He what?” Now he had her full attention.

“Yeah, according to him he fed him some scallop dish and Thorin followed him home. Of course my uncle tells it a good bit differently, but then that’s the fun of hanging out with them, you get dinner and a show.” He winked at Fili who nodded in agreement.

Tauriel leaned forward and got that look that Fili had learned meant she was going to ask for something and expected you to agree. She cleared her throat and sweetly asked, “So have any of you been involved in getting the referendum passed?”

All four of them looked like a deer in the headlights.

She snorted. “That’s what I thought. There just happens to be an equality parade and rally tomorrow. Can I count on you boys to come? It’s going to be awesome. At the rally we’re going to have some pretty high powered speakers including Panti Bliss.”

Kili broke the silence first. “Yeah. No, wait. _Hell yeah_! If Panti is gonna be there it’s worth going to. Everyone is always saying I don’t get out enough.” He looked at Fili, who nodded. Whither thou goest, as they say.

Fili looked puzzled. “Who’s Panty?”

Everyone looked at him in surprise. He looked back. “What? I’m new, remember?”

Suppressing his laughter Kili said, “ Panti is Dublin’s favorite drag queen. She also happens to be an incredibly powerful speaker who actually has the straight population on her side. She called out some of our politicians and journalists for being homophobic and they freakin’ had a stroke over it. They sued and Dublin was treated to “Pantigate.”

Fili’s eyes widened and Tauriel took pity on him. “Basically, she refused to back down and it quickly became apparent that they were indeed homophobes and were trying to bully her, it didn’t go down so well with a lot of people.”

Legolas smiled triumphantly. “Basically she won just by standing her ground and being honest. They had to shut up and listen to a guy in a wig and high heels tell them how it really was. She’s done more to make people aware of gay oppression and our lack of rights than pretty much anyone in the country.”

“Yeah, she’s sass with class.” Kili observed cheerfully. “We’ll have to go to her club, Fili. I haven’t been in a long time and you’re going to love it. Drag queens everywhere.”

He laughed and turned to Dwalin and Ori, “Maybe we can go next weekend.”

The big Scot was sitting quietly looking into his drink as if it were a scrying ball.

“I don’t know about marching. They don’t know about me at work,” he said quietly. “I work with some of the most homophobic people on the planet.”

Ori laid a hand on his arm. “Don’t do anything that would cause trouble I know your boss acts the maggot about gays.”

They all sat there in stunned silence. Kili was appalled to think that his cousin had to hide who he was. He tried to imagine it for a moment and couldn’t. He looked at Fili who was equally stricken.

Dwalin’s quiet statement brought home the reality of oppression and what it meant for those who couldn’t live their lives openly and free from prejudice.

Legolas looked sad. “Don’t risk your job, mate.”

Dwalin shrugged, his neck vertebrae crunching as he tensed his muscles. “They can’t fire me.”

He sat up and straightened his shoulders. Taking Ori’s hand in his he declared, “Fuck ‘im. Discrimination is illegal and if he gives me shit, I’ll give it right back.”

Ori’s voice was nearly a whisper. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Dwalin leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss against Ori’s lips. It was his first demonstration in public. “I’ve been in the fuckin’ closet all m’life. It’s time I came out. Besides I think they will know about it when we get married.”

Ori sat still looking completely shocked.

Fili poked the Scot. “If that’s a proposal, your man deserves a proper one.” Dwalin looked puzzled, but Fili reminded him, “If I can do it, so can you.”

Dwalin nodded sharply in agreement. “Aye, he does and I can.” He rose and then dropped to one knee in front of his love.

He took Ori’s hand and kissed the back of it tenderly. “Ori Ri, I love you and want to spend the rest of m’life with you. Will you do me ta’honor of becoming my husband?”

Ori was stunned for a moment and then was out of his chair and into Dwalin’s arms like a shot. “Yes! Yes, oh yes.”

The round of applause from the surrounding tables washed over them. They were so lost in each other that they didn’t hear it, or see the disapproving looks from a few of the patrons. The only thing in their world was the two of them and their love.

They were suddenly made aware of all the commotion when Doyle himself showed up at their table holding a bottle of champagne followed by a waitress with a tray of glasses.

“Bein’ the misty-eyed romantic that I am,” Doyle proclaimed, “I can’t let such a pretty proposal go untoasted.”

The waitress handed each of them a champagne glass and Doyle filled it up, taking one for himself.

He raised his glass high, a move followed by many at adjoining tables. “A toast to the two grooms.

“May the blessing of light,  
Be with you always,  
Light without and light within,  
And may the sun shine  
Upon you and warm your heart  
Until it glows like a great fire  
So that others may feel  
The warmth of your love  
For one another.”

The toast was followed by another round of applause. Kili, remembering Dwalin’s ribald toast when he was proposed to was tempted to try to one-up him, but decided that he wanted nothing to spoil this moment.

He lifted his glass to them and said,

“May you both be poor in misfortune,  
Rich in blessings,  
slow to make enemies,  
Quick to make friends,  
But rich or poor, quick or slow,  
May both of you know nothing but   
Happiness from this day forward.”

Everyone looked at him in astonishment. For a moment he had that “What?” look on his face, then broke into a grin. “I’m not a complete wanker. You two deserve all the best. I couldn’t ask for better friends.”

Dwalin was blushing and Ori came over and gave Kili a hug. “I love you and I can’t wait to be your cousin for real.”

“Yeah, that’s gonna rock.” Kili hugged him back. “I’d say we should make it a double, except that Bilbo would kill us if we cheated him out of a wedding.”

“Yeah, he probably would,” Ori conceded.

Tauriel insisted on a hug from them both as did Doyle. He left the champagne with them and as he put it, “need to bugger off to make some money.”

Dwalin was looking a little stunned by it all, but he was smiling happily and working on his third glass of champagne, so things were right in his world.

He turned toward Tauriel. “Count me in on that march thing. Want me to bring my bodhrán? I’ve got a big one that might get us some attention.”

“Wear your kilt,” Kili suggested eagerly. “You look brilliant all tarted up.”

“That’s what I keep telling him,” Ori volunteered. “I keep asking him to wear it for me, but I think he’s shy.” The smaller man batted his eyes at his boyfriend who obligingly flushed scarlet.

“You only want me to wear it so you can take it off,” the big Scot muttered under his breath.

This was met by laughter and even more blushing by Dwalin. He threw an arm around Ori and lovingly squashed him in a hug.

“So where and when do we meet for the march?” Kili’s eyes were shining with excitement. “I’ve got a rainbow flag somewhere, should I bring it?”

“Sure and anything else you can find. The route is about 1.5km. Are you okay with that distance?” She made a little face to show she knew he could, but had to ask.

“I can, but I don’t know if Fili is up to walking that far,” Kili said, nudging his fiancé.

“I think I can manage, you athletic twat,” came the quick retort.

Tauriel laughed at them. “This will be a little more quiet, nothing outrageous. We want people to see us as being like them, not like some freaks.”

Kili raised an eyebrow. “Us?”

She winked at him. “I’m bi.” She looked over at Legolas and took his hand possessively. “Well, I'm off the market these days."

He leaned over and kissed her tenderly. “I stole her away, breaking hearts on both sides of the fence.”

Tauriel smiled. “I always thought I stole you, but either way assembly starts at 1pm sharp at City Hall on Dame Street and then down to the Department of Justice. The actual parade marches at 2pm. It will take them an hour to get their act together so don’t worry about getting there before 1:30 if you are taking the bus. Otherwise better come early to get parking. We'll meet you in front of The Oak bar, just across the street.”

“We can do that. I’ve never taken the bus, but what the hell.”

Fili frowned and shook his head. “No bus. I’m not riding all the way from Clondalkin on a bus dressed for a gay pride parade.”

“You have no spirit of adventure,” Kili replied with a touch of regret. He thought riding a bus carrying a rainbow flag would be brilliant. Fili’s look told him they were definitely not in agreement on that front. Kili sat there pouting a little, but the blond ignored him.

“It’s not a gay pride parade. It’s an Equality march,” Tauriel said quickly. “If we win, then we will have the parade and you can both wear ostrich feathers if you want.”

Kili nearly spit his champagne onto the table. He started to cough and Fili ended up pounding him on the back. When he could breathe again he giggled, “I would pay good money to see you wearing ostrich feathers. Rainbow ones.”

Fili laughed good-naturedly. “Who knows, if we win I just might do that. Personally I think you’d look awesome in rainbow feathers. We could fasten ‘em to the back of your chair so they look like a peacock tail.”

Dwalin groaned. “For the love of everything holy, don’t be givin’ that one ideas. He never backs down from a dare.”

They all had a good laugh, none more so than Kili who was already thinking of something outrageous to do if Equality passed.

The conversation turned to music and Fili asked, “Do either of you play an instrument? Maybe you could come to one of the family _céilís_? They all play something. I play guitar and Kili plays violin.”

“What a brilliant idea.” Kili warmed to the possibilities. “You could come to the next one even if you don’t play.”

Legolas smiled. “I play guitar and Tauriel plays uilleann pipes, or at least she’s learning.”

“No shit,” Kili exclaimed. “Oops, sorry. I mean that’s great. None of us play them.”

She laughed and leaned over to smack Legolas’ arm. “Thanks for outing me, sweetheart. I actually play the clarinet, but since there isn’t much call for that in Irish music, I decided to try the pipes. I love the sound and they’re better than an alarm clock for getting Leggy out of bed in the morning.”

He groaned. “You’ve never lived until you’ve been blasted out of a nice warm bed by your wife torturing a set of pipes.”

Tauriel happily poked him in the arm. “Legolas plays cello. He’s a bit more cultured.”

Everyone looked surprised and both he and Tauriel burst out laughing. “My father had some lofty goals for me. Playing in the national orchestra was one of them,” he said grinning. “He wanted a stuffy high class musician and got a ski bum…who plays guitar.”

“And then he married me. I don’t think he’ll ever get over that one,” Tauriel crowed.

Legolas drew her in for a kiss. “I don’t know about him, but I don’t _ever_ intend to get over it.”

Dwalin’s deep voice rumbled across the table. “Get a room, you two.”

They all burst out laughing and Kili grabbed his startled fiancé and gave him a kiss that ended in tongue and a promise. The couple at the next table gave them a disapproving look.

Tauriel shook her head. “Don’t get us kicked out, the referendum hasn’t passed yet.”

“Won’t happen.” He pointed toward Doyle, who was working behind the bar. “Doyle’s gay and so are some of the staff.”

She looked surprised and Kili grinned wickedly. “What, you thought all gay guys are as pretty as I am?”

She slid the salt across the table to Kili. “Here, put some of this on that ego before it gets any bigger.”

“Ooh burn,” Ori laughed.

Dwalin was shaking his head, but Fili grabbed the shaker and sprinkled a few grains onto Kili’s head. In return he got a playful smack with a limp wrist that set them all to laughing again.

They were still laughing and talking when the band members arrived and Dwalin and Ori took their leave to help set things up.

“So when do you want to start training?” Legolas asked casually.

It caught Kili a little by surprise. “Uh, I don’t know. I could start whenever.”

“He’s been doing a lot already,” Fili interjected. “Tauriel gave him some ideas and he’s been working hard.”

“I heard that, I just thought we might get together and evaluate where you are and where you want to be. There are some specific exercises I can give you to do and at some point we can get you into a racing chair to see what you think.”

At that, Kili brightened up. “A racing chair? That’d be aces. How about Monday, does Monday sound good? What time? Where should I meet you?”

“Do you have a membership to the IWA gym?”

“No, but if that’s the best place I can get one. I’ve just been using the gym where my physio works. Its pretty well setup,” Kili replied.

“Okay, we can use that. If they have the right equipment there’s no point in you buying a membership to another gym.” Legolas thought for a moment. “How about starting at eight, is that too early?”

“Nope, I’ll be there and we can get started.” He was practically bouncing in his chair.

Legolas looked over at Fili. “Is he always like this?”

“Sometimes he’s worse.” He looked at Kili adoringly. “Which is always a lot of fun.”

The evening rolled on to the beat of Dwalin’s bodhrán. There was much drinking, more than a little eating, and vast amounts of laughter. Between sets Dwalin and Ori returned to the table and found they could no longer pay for their drinks. After the proposal the kind people at surrounding tables put them on their tab. They two of them were sweetly embarrassed by it, but agreed that it felt lovely to be accepted in public for once.

Fili had worried about meeting Legolas and Tauriel as he was the least athletic person he knew, but had felt comfortable with them almost immediately. They both seemed to accept that he was an artist and not an athlete. He couldn’t help smiling to himself that Tauriel enlisted him almost immediately to be their photographer. And tomorrow he was going to be marching in a marriage equality parade, something he never thought he’d do. Fili wondered how anyone ever said no to her.

 

On the drive home Kili looked out the window. There were so many people in Dublin, he couldn’t help wondering how many of them would even care about marriage equality. Even with family support his coming out hadn’t been all that easy. There were whispers and comments passed off as jokes. A couple of riders never spoke to him again. Even though he hadn’t been friendly with them, it hurt to feel exiled because of something he had no choice in. He couldn’t imagine being closeted his whole life the way Dwalin had been.

Ireland didn’t have a great track record for being liberal when it came to sexuality. Civil partnerships only became legal in 2011; condoms were illegal until 1985 and only became easily available to single people in 1993. Abortion was still mostly illegal and likely to stay that way for a while longer.

He had cheerfully accepted Fili’s proposal, but hadn’t really considered what that meant for them both. Kili glanced over at the blond and heaved a little sigh. He loved him so much and it seemed so right for them both. How could it be illegal for them to get married just like any other couple in love? Civil unions weren’t the same and didn’t have the same protections as marriage. They deserved the same rights as everyone else.

He slid his hand on top of Fili’s and squeezed. Fili squeezed back, spreading his fingers to invite Kili to hold hands. Together they rode in silence, each deep in their own thoughts. Each thinking about tomorrow and all that it meant for them and for the rest of Ireland.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My eternal gratitude to Ceallaig for beta reading and offering excellent critiques. And to Pabu for her advice as well as her glorious art.
> 
> Hallie, who inspired "Chase" and writes "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us" is a paraplegic herself. SHE HAS RAISED ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY HER RACING WHEELCHAIR SO THAT SHE CAN COMPETE IN THE TOKYO PARALYMPICS!!! 
> 
> You are missing out on two great stories if you haven't read Hallie's "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us." In Rio both Aidan and Dean are wheelchair athletes at the Paralympics. [**Romance in Rio**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1093396) In "We're Fighters" Dean has epilepsy and Aidan is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. [**We're Fighters, Every One of Us**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/988916)
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, kudos, or creative criticism you don't want to put in a comment, please email me at drakkhammer@gmail.com
> 
> My new blog is: [Drakkhammerwrites](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/%22%22)
> 
> Be sure to follow Pabu's Tumblr [**hvit-ravn**](http://hvit-ravn.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thank you very much for reading. I hope you enjoy the story and the marvelous art.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's an Equality march, so grab your YES button, wave your rainbow flag and come and march along with the gang. 
> 
> Panti Bliss is someone you should all meet. Be sure to click the link in the story and listen to her speech on oppression. It went viral and greatly assisted the Yes vote for Equality. (She did not give the speech at the end, that was committed by this author, I hope I did her justice.)
> 
>  

They had gone to sleep curled in each other’s arms. Fili hadn’t talked about going to the Equality march and Kili wondered if he had only agreed to go to be nice. The Irishman chafed at the idea that Fili would go just to please his partner. This was an important event and he wanted full participation.

For his part, Fili was more than a little concerned. It was no secret that he was gay, but it wasn’t all that well known outside of his family and those involved with his career. Artists were supposed to be bohemian and counter-culture, but there was still prejudice among patrons and it probably wouldn’t do his budding career any good to be seen in a flamboyant gay parade.

No, he chided himself; he had to stop thinking like that. It wasn’t a parade and he had stop the feeling that it was going to be some San Francisco freak show where men stuck flags up their arses to flip a middle finger at the establishment. This was a political statement, meant to show the straight population a sampling of the people who were denied the same rights that they took for granted.

They didn’t want special rights. They wanted the same things everyone else enjoyed: the right to hold the hands of the ones they loved in public, to marry openly and receive well-wishes and not scorn, to raise a child if they chose and not have their ability to parent called into question just because they married someone of the same sex. Such little things and yet they were very big when they were denied.

He could feel Kili’s breath against his skin, soft and rhythmic. It was comforting and something he wanted to enjoy for the rest of his life. He resisted reaching out to stroke the unruly thatch of dark hair lest he wake Kili. They deserved to be able to stand in front of a minister or priest and take the same vows as everyone else did. They deserved to have the same benefits as those who were born heterosexual. It was just wrong to be denied those because of something that he could not control.

Smiling a little, Fili let out a long sigh. He’d just answered his own question about whether he wanted to go to the march or not. The hell with any customers who thought that he shouldn’t have the same rights as they did. His career couldn’t rise or fall on what people thought of his sexuality. If his talent wasn’t enough, then he’d find another way to make a living. Whatever he did, it would be at Kili’s side.

At the risk of disturbing the Irishman, he reached over and drew him closer. The brunet sighed softly and snuggled against Fili’s chest. They were here. They were queer and damn it – they were going to get married someday. He fell asleep thinking about the look Kili would have on his face when he said, “I do.”

Kili groaned. Fili had shifted in his sleep and it was too early to have to get up. They’d left the pub relatively early, but he was still sleepy. He tried to turn over and suddenly realized that he was totally embraced by his Kiwi. Smiling happily, Kili snuggled in closer and went back to sleep.

He was roused at 9:30 by tickles down the center of his chest. Kili sleepily opened his eyes, smiling up into Fili’s sky blue gaze. Reaching up, he grabbed Fili’s mustache braids and pulled him down for a kiss.

Fili ended up falling onto the bed, catching himself on his elbows so that he didn’t squash anything important. The kiss deepened and he felt himself respond. It was such a luxury to be able to let himself be in the moment with Kili. He never had to worry about Kili’s motives or wonder what he was really feeling. The Irishman wore his emotions on his sleeve. All you ever had to do was look at his face and into those glorious hazel eyes and you knew exactly what was going through his mind. He’d never be a poker player, but then poker bored them both anyway.

“You have to get up,” he muttered around the kiss.

“Why? I want to be here in bed with you.” The protest was punctuated by another kiss.

“I’m up for that, but we have a march to go to and a statement to make. I’ve been busy. I want you to see what I did, because I need your input.”

Fili boosted himself off the bed and threw Kili a pair of black jeans. He headed for the door and then paused. “I’m going to start breakfast. It’ll just be cereal ‘cause we gotta leave soon. Heist your arse outta bed and go check the living room.”

Kili grabbed his jeans and hauled them on, sliding down into his chair without bothering with shoes. Eagerly he wheeled into the living room and was met by a rainbow-colored sign that was propped up on the couch with a duplicate still sitting on Fili’s easel. It read “Wheelies for Equality!” Next to it were two black T-shirts with the rainbow words “Equality Now!” written across the chest in large letters.

The Irishman let out a whoop that brought Fili running. He rounded the corner grinning and nearly fell over Kili, who had spun around to greet him.

“Freaking awesome! You did all this while I was sleeping?” He wrapped his arms around Fili’s waist and squeezed so hard the Kiwi was sure a rib cracked. “You are just the best thing ever!”

“I’m glad you approve,” Fili laughed. “I ran out to get the supplies for the signs and spotted the T-shirts in a window, so I went in and bought a couple. I thought we should be a matched set.”

“Who is the second sign for?”

“I thought Tauriel might want one, so I made it just in case.”

“Have I told you lately how much I love you?” Kili hugged Fili again, his enthusiasm driving the air out of the blond’s lungs.

With what little breath that remained Fili managed to say, “Yes, and if you love me any more I’m going to be staying home with broken ribs. You’re getting stronger and you’re squashing my little soft bones.”

Kili released him and leaned forward to kiss his tummy. “I’m sorry. I promise not to do that again. I was afraid that you were only going to humor me.”

Fili leaned over and kissed the top of his head. “Nope. I’ve never been one for politics, but this is important. I thought it over and can’t believe I haven’t been involved before. It’s too easy to hide in the closet and let others do my fighting for me. I’m Irish, too--well a couple generations back anyway--and I want to marry an Irishman, so this is my fight too.”

“You’re awesome!” Kili resisted the urge to hug him again.

“I’m also hungry,” the blond teased. “So let’s eat and get this show on the road.”

Fili had set the boxes of cereal on the table. Kili wheeled up and grabbed a bowl. He dumped in half a bowl of Weetos and finished off with All Bran. Mixing them together, he poured milk on it and was happily shoveling the concoction into his mouth when he noticed Fili’s expression.

“What?!”

“I’ve just never seen anyone eat that chocolate crap mixed with All Bran, that’s all,” Fili replied, filling his bowl with shredded wheat.

“Well, it’s half healthy,” he said around his mouthful. “Besides you eat those little bales of hay, so you have no room to talk.”

It’s hard to argue with the truth. Fili poured a little more milk on his shredded wheat and poked it, submerging the “little bales of hay.” He grew up eating it and never really thought about how it looked. Now he would never be able to forget.

They finished breakfast and did the few dishes, then spent a several frustrating minutes trying to figure out how to fasten the sign to Kili’s chair. Fili was all for gluing it, but Kili refused, so they settled on punching four holes in the sign and using twine fished out of the kitchen junk drawer. It wasn’t elegant, but it worked.

They were nearly ready to leave when Kili’s phone played “God Save the Queen.”

“Hey, Bilbo,” he answered cheerfully. “We’re just heading out to the Equality march down at the City Hall; you and Uncle Thorin wanna come?”

He paused for a moment and then exclaimed, “You’re shitting me!” He looked up at Fili, his eyes wide in surprise. “You do? You will? Oh my god! They are gathering at 1pm sharp in front of City Hall and will walk to the Department of Justice. You’ll really be there? Oh my god! We’re meeting in front of The Oak Pub. It’s red and across the street from City Hall, you can’t miss it. I love you too. Give Uncle Thorin a hug for me.”

Kili sat there with the phone in his hands looking down at it for a moment and then a tear fell on the screen. Fili knelt in front of him and pulled him close, holding him as he took deep breaths.

Finally, he sat up. “I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m happy.”

Fili kissed him gently. “Sometimes people cry because they’re happy, babe.” He sniffled. “Now you’ve got me going. We have to be the luckiest guys in the universe.”

“Yeah,” Kili replied with a gentle sigh. “It doesn’t get better than this.”

They spent several frantic minutes digging around until they located the rainbow flag Kili had bought years ago. It had been rolled up tightly so it was in pretty good shape. They packed it, the posters, sunscreen, Fili’s camera gear and anything else they could think of. They put on their new T-shirts, made last- minute pit stops in the loo and then headed out. Today was gonna rock!

When they finally found parking and got out of the car, Kili was in awe and Fili immediately started taking pictures. He had a hard time putting down his camera long enough to fasten Kili’s sign to the back of his chair. There was so much to see and he wanted to capture it all.

They were two blocks from City Hall, but the sidewalk was already teeming with people either wearing or carrying rainbows of some sort. A few bystanders gave them stern looks, but far more waved happily and cheered them on. Kili rocked back and boogied a little, showing off for a laughing young couple who took his photo and waved at him as he rolled away to join his fiancé.

The gardai had closed off Dame St. and were a constant presence in their high-visibility lime jackets. Always leery of cops, Kili avoided looking at them until he noticed they were all smiling, or at least looking pleasant, appearing happy to be there. Cheered by that thought he allowed himself to relax. Today was going to be brilliant.

Kili looked at the gathering crowd and worried that he would never be able to find anyone. Wending their way between both marchers and on-lookers, they made their way to the front of The Oak. Legolas was already there, wearing a loose white shirt with a black vest that sported several Equality pins and badges down the front and a large rainbow embroidered onto the back.

He waved at the boys. “Tauriel is around here someplace.” Spotting the sign Fili was guarding with his life, he added. “If that’s for her she’s going to love you forever.”

“She has to get in line,” Kili retorted, spinning to show his sign off.

They chatted for a few minutes, giving Fili time to limber up his camera and start taking photos of the buildings and the crowd. They looked like your average Dublin citizen with the exception of the “Equality” and “Vote Yes!” shirts, pins, and signs. Some had gotten more creative and had crafted banners that needed to be held by several people. The rally was sponsored by LGBT Noise and they had a professionally printed banner that they cheerfully held aloft for him to photograph.

There were a number of dogs enjoying all the attention and activity. Fili stopped to pet and then photograph a pair of Irish wolfhounds who sported snappy rainbow bandanas. A black Lab walked by wearing a jacket that held signs proclaiming “I love my daddies!” They posed adorably, standing hand-in-hand with the dog in front.

He had just finished handing them his card so they could get a copy of the photo when Tauriel rolled over. “Thanks for the sign, you’re awesome!”

Feeling a little flustered by her enthusiasm, Fili thanked her. “Any time I can help out with something artistic you just let me know.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not shy. I will holler so loud your ears will ring.” She looked around at the gathering crowd. “I think we are going to have an excellent turnout today. The last rally we had was months ago and people weren’t as gung-ho as they are now. It’s getting close to voting time, so everyone is paying more attention.”

She pointed to a small stern-looking group standing to one side with religious signs quoting scripture. “I just hope there are more of us than there are of them.”

“Me, too. Fanatics of any kind scare me,” he replied. Nonetheless, he zoomed his camera in on them and took a couple of shots. One of them noticed and nudged the others. This caused a ripple in the group as they all raised their signs higher and began to shout. Fili couldn’t hear them over the noise of the crowd, but they drew the attention of a garda who stepped in and settled them down.

Tauriel was about to say something else, but was interrupted by Kili wheeling up. “Thorin and Bilbo are here.”

Fili was surprised that they actually came and then he remembered how hard Thorin had fought for gay rights when it was still illegal and how much that fight had cost him. Thorin was a warrior; he wore a business suit these days, but he was still a warrior.

Today he was wearing jeans and his company T-shirt with the Oakenshield Security logo emblazoned across his chest. If any of his customers didn’t like the fact that he supported Equality, they could go hang.

What dropped Fili’s jaw was Bilbo. Instead of his usual slacks and casual shirt, he was full on dressed to kill. He was wearing a pearl gray summer-weight three-piece suit with a pale blue shirt, set off by a gray and blue tie with an abstract pattern of small cubes. Instead of a boutonniere he was wearing an “Equality Now!” button. He looked at Fili and grinned.

Thorin was the tradesman and Bilbo was the businessman. They showed two different worlds – both of which were impacted by the lack of equality. Along with Fili with his camera and Kili in his wheelchair they represented the spectrum of the male gay community.

Fili wasted no time getting them to pose for photos. He had Kili get in front and then spent a few minutes snapping shots first of Bilbo voguing for the camera with and without Kili’s rainbow flag, while Thorin tried not to laugh, and then signing autographs and posed for selfies with several fans of his show. Kili came over and begged for an autograph too, but was rewarded by a kiss on the cheek and a warning.

“Stop being a nutter,” Bilbo said sweetly. “Your birthday is coming up and if you fuck with me there might not be a cake this year.”

Horrorstruck, Kili backed off, feigning terror at the very idea of having birthday cake snatched away. “I promise to behave myself, Uncle Bilbo. I’ll put all my toys away and clean my room and brush my teeth every day.”

Thorin threw back his head in laughter and Bilbo chuckled. “That worked when you were eight. These days I’ll settle for you not leaving your sex toys around for me to find.”

“I didn’t know you were going to pull a surprise packing attack,” Kili muttered, his brows furrowed with embarrassment.

“True, but be warned none the less.” He noted that Fili was listening with no little embarrassment. “That goes for you, too,” he amended. “And I want copies of all the photos you just took. I’m thinking of starting a new show and they may prove useful.”

Everyone looked surprised, especially Thorin. “When did you decide to do this?”

“Oh I haven’t decided yet, it’s still wandering around as a random thought, but if it finds fertile ground I’ll let you know.” He looked up at Thorin with an expression of sweet innocence that totally belied the cheekiness in his eyes.

To Kili’s astonishment, Thorin swept him up in a hug that ended in a passionate kiss. His uncle so rarely showed public demonstrations of affection that even Bilbo was taken by surprise. It only took him a moment to throw his arms around Thorin’s shoulders and return the kiss. Fili took a quick shot of them and then leaned down to score his own kiss from Kili.

When his uncles straightened up, Kili said, “I want you to meet some friends of mine. Tauriel is helping me get started with racing and this is Legolas, her husband. He’s offered to coach me for awhile.”

Thorin looked a little embarrassed at being introduced so soon after the kiss, but Bilbo was all enthusiasm and smiles.

“My dear, you look stunning! That hair – those eyes, you should be a model, but then everyone must tell you that.”

She laughed delightedly. “It’s not true, but don’t stop. I love hearing it.”

Thorin bent and extended his hand. “You must forgive Bilbo, he can never resist a beautiful woman.”

“I’m pleased to meet both of you,” she replied happily. “I’ve heard so much about you. Kili is so lucky to have a supportive family.”

“Yes,” Thorin agreed, his smile not quite reaching his eyes. “He is a very lucky young man.”

She looked confused at the change in his expression, but before she could dwell on it Kili tactfully introduced Legolas. Bilbo’s gaze swept over the tall blond and he paused before saying, “You two really must do a photo shoot together. If ever there was a couple born to be models, you two are it.”

Legolas threw back his head and laughed. Tauriel joined him. “Maybe in our next lives, but thank you for the compliment.”

Bilbo cocked an eye at Legolas. “You do know that a gay rally is not the ideal place for a straight bloke who looks like you, right?”

Legolas grinned wickedly. “What makes you think I’m straight?”

Bilbo’s eyebrows shot up and Legolas laughed harder. “I will probably come home having been thoroughly groped, but it’s all part of life. Men hit on my wife all the time, so this way I don’t feel so left out. What’s sauce for the goose, so to speak.”

“I like this one, he’s cheeky.” Bilbo turned to Thorin. “We have to adopt them.”

Thorin shook his head and smiled patiently. “Of course we do.” He extended his hand and Legolas shoot it heartily. “We can always use more family. Welcome aboard, there’s no going back now.”

Tauriel cut in sassily. “God, I hope not. I plan to become such a good friend that you will just have to give me all of your best recipes.”

“That, my dear, will not take much effort. They’re yours for the asking. You come over and bring your gorgeous husband and I will even show you how to prepare them.”

“Thorin, for the love of all things holy what the hell are you doing here?” Dwalin’s voice boomed out.

They turned in unison to see the big Scotsman approaching like a galleon under full sail. He was indeed tarted up in his full kit and kilt. The only thing missing was the skirling of a bagpipe. He had left off the jacket due to the weather, but wore the cross sash that sported several Equality buttons and pins. Ori was dressed more comfortably in tan slacks and an ivory short sleeved shirt.

Dwalin walked up to Thorin and grabbed him up in a bear hug that lifted the big man off his feet. When he set him down he greeted Bilbo in a slightly more gentle manner. “I had no idea the two of you would grace us with your presence.”

Shrugging, Thorin replied, “I had no idea we were coming either until I was dragged out to the car.” He looked fondly at Bilbo. “When he reminded me that all our problems are because we don’t have equality I could hardly refuse.” He looked at Dwalin quizzically. “I’m surprised to see you out, though.”

Grimacing, the Scot replied. “I’m here for the same reason you are. If we were equal I wouldn’t have to hide in the bloody closet at work. I’m a grown man, I can love who I choose, and it’s time to stand up for my rights.”

Kili let out a whoop. “You tell ‘em!” He and Ori high-fived each other while Fili clicked away, preserving the moment for posterity.

Thorin clapped his cousin on the shoulder. “I heard you finally got around to actually proposing. I’m sorry I missed it.”

The big man blushed and chuckled. “We’ve had an understanding, but it seemed the time to actually…you know…do it.”

Dwalin’s eyebrow rose. “And now it’s high time that you did the same.”

It was Thorin’s turn to look uncomfortable, but he glanced at Bilbo who was talking with a fan. “If by some miracle this passes, I’ll do it and we’ll have the best damn wedding in Dublin. I might not survive Bilbo planning a wedding, though.”

“You’ll survive,” the Scot replied shaking his head. “But I’m not sure I’ll survive both Bilbo and Ori planning one. I might just set up a tent in the woods until it’s over.”

They were still laughing when Kili came over and said that the rally was ready to start. A speaker’s platform had been set up and a tall woman ascended it and picked up the microphone. She smiled and tested the mic by welcoming everyone. “Thank you for showing up in such amazing numbers!”

The crowd cheered, waving anything they had. She waited until the supporters settled down before continuing.

“We ask you to march peaceably and show the world that the Irish are responsible citizens who support freedom and equality for everyone.

“Thank you to NOISE for organizing and supporting this march for marriage equality. They have been spearheading the fight for equality since 2011 and we feel that this is the year when Ireland will decide that everyone should be free.

“No more oppression!”

The crowd took up the chant. Kili looked happily up at his family and friends chanting along with him. Oppression had hurt them all so much over the years. It was time to end it.

The gardai led the march, with more officers positioned along the way as a buffer between the marchers and less respectful citizens. People carrying stacks of half-sheet paper printed with the single word “Equality” were cruising through the marches and going along through the crowd handing them out to anyone who wanted them. The result was that thousands of people were holding the word in front of their heart in support.

There were so many people milling around that they decided to wait until the march was a little more organized before joining it. This Fili time to run around and take photos, snapping Legolas with the huge rainbow “YES!” balloon that he had scored. Reassured that he’d be able to find them again, he vanished into the crowd.

The march featured several bands, starting off with a pipe and drum band that boasted a pipe major tall enough to make Dwalin and Thorin look short. Big flatbed lorries took various places in line. They were draped with banners urging Equality and were loaded with the gorgeous and the not so gorgeous, who waved and cheered. One club blasted Celtic rock that had everyone clapping along. Another had traditional music and advertised that the Irish Dance Festival was in support. The center of the flatbed was a dance floor and several step dancers were keeping their footing in spite of the uneven pavement in places.

Many large businesses had a presence. Smaller businesses still had to be careful and no one blamed them. Many contributed quietly, providing funding for the adverts around town and on the television.  

A white van with the Microsoft logo sported banners announcing: “Microsoft Stands for Equality!” People walking in front of it carried a banner that read “GLEAM – Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Employees.” Twitter was there with a blue car with their bird logo surrounded by Twitter staff wearing the company blue and white shirt. Sinn Fein had a huge banner supporting the Equality movement. They carried large floating silver “YES!” balloons and passed out a number of smaller ones to children in the crowd.

Fili nearly fell over getting photos of a beautifully dressed person of indeterminate gender. Raven-black hair cascaded over the rainbow spangled bustier paired with matching boy shorts. They were close to the Celtic rock truck and the dancer moved in time with the music, somehow staying gracefully balanced on four-inch platform high heel boots. The dancer was giving out balloons from the helium rainbow bundle so massive they could have carried anyone smaller aloft in a heartbeat.

Fili dodged and wove in and out of the marchers until he could get several good photos of the truck pulling a stage for The George, a Dublin gay bar. There were two poles set up and a pair of beautiful drag queens were working them with an agility and grace that Fili envied.

He got several good photos of Panti Bliss, who was to be the keynote speaker. She smiled and waved at him and posed for a better shot when the car stopped for a moment. Panti was in her element; there is nothing a drag queen loves more than an adoring public. She rode like a queen, sitting on the top of the back seat of a pink Cadillac convertible at the head of the parade.

When the front line headed up by NOISE, the sponsors of the march, moved out far enough, there was room for the marchers to join the line. The group found a spot, walking and rolling easily, feeling confident that far more people were assembled to support them than to protest. It was a good feeling to see such a large turnout. For the first time, Kili really felt supported by people outside his community. Fili was feeling the same. Everyone was so happy and hope was definitely in the air.

Of course, not everyone felt this way. They passed groups and individuals jeering at them. For some reason, they all held signs with either Biblical passages or references. These were the people it was impossible to reason with because they could not see past their dogma and prejudice. Some people you just can’t educate no matter what you do.

They passed a particularly vicious sign that someone had fastened high on a light pole and one of the young men quickly scaled it and removed the sign, tossing it to the cheering crowd below. A garda watched him, but did not interfere. They were there to keep things peaceful, not to restrain someone from cleaning up city property.

Fili captured it all, having to quickly change out his camera’s memory card so that he could take a few minutes of video of a lovely young woman trying to hand daisies to a stern-faced group of protestors. Some turned their backs on her, but a young man took a flower, a fleeting smile crossing his face. Perhaps he would secretly vote yes and take a step toward tolerance.

Dwalin had assumed an outside position on one end, as had Thorin on the other, just in case there was a scuffle. He walked proudly erect, every inch the proud highlander. He held Ori’s hand showing the world without apology that he had found his forever after.

As he passed a small group of protesters waving their Biblical quotes, one threw a wadded up Equality sign at him. It hit Dwalin square in the chest, bouncing off the colorful “Equality Now” button and rolling into the street at his feet.

Without changing expression, he released Ori’s hand, scooped up the ball of paper and strode over to the man who threw it. A garda hurried over, but Dwalin raised his hand to show he meant no harm.

He held the crumpled sign out, his face passive but with a look that brooked no denial and quietly ordered, “Dublin is your home. Keep it clean. That’s what God would want.”

The chastised man took the sign back and stuffed it in his pocket. Dwalin nodded at the smiling officer and easily caught up with Ori, who took his hand, squeezing it approvingly. He didn’t care what the protestors said, or what archaic bits of scripture they put on signs. He knew he could no more change who he was than he could fly. He was just lucky that he had met such an incredible man who loved him with equal intensity. Life was amazing sometimes.

Fili and Kili had watched the incident and were relieved that Dwalin had handled it with such tact. There were far more supporters than protestors. And the few that had shown up all seemed to be religious. None seemed to have any other argument against equality. It offended them personally, so only straight people should be able to get married. As Dublin was predominantly Catholic and the Church wasn’t exactly supportive, it showed how few people were worried about it being such a sin. Kili knew a few underground clubs that could use a little picketing. He wondered what they would think of Nimhneach and the fetish scene there. The thought cracked him up and he nearly ran over Fili’s toes.

There were several more skirmishes with protestors. Fili thought it interesting that they all carried religious signs or banners. He wasn’t used to such direct and, sometimes violent, expressions of religion. His home country had equality opponents, but they hadn’t protested New Zealand’s legalization of gay marriage so dramatically. A number of spectators tried to interact with the marchers with far more success. Fili happily snapped away as a big man came out of the crowd accompanied by his children and headed for a small slender man who was wearing only gold boy-shorts and a rainbow cape. Before anyone could intervene there was a surprise hug that ended with them both in tears. The march moved on before Fili could catch any of the story, but it had to have been a reunion or a peace-making of some sort. Overwhelmed with feels, he bent down and kissed the top of Kili’s head. The Irishman turned and Fili discovered he could walk doubled over while being kissed.

As they really got going the marchers felt less compressed and had more space to show off their signs, banners, and flags. They did a lot of smiling and waving. Dwalin actually got a fair number of photos taken of him, including one by a photographer wearing identification for the Irish Independent newspaper. Dwalin smiled and nodded, trying not to notice Ori’s worried look. There was nothing like having your hometown newspaper there to take your photo and perhaps put it someplace nicely visible. Well, the shite would either hit the fan or it wouldn’t. He wasn’t going to be arsed to worry about it, not with family and friends next to him. Fuck anyone who didn’t approve. No. On second thought, he’d pass on that.

When they neared The Department of Justice the marchers began to clump up, so Kili and Tauriel steered for the edge. Being in a seated position left them at a disadvantage in a crowd. It was a hatred they both shared with a passion. They had both been tall and it irked them to have to give up that advantage. Tauriel was less chafed by it than Kili, but it didn’t stop her from nudging aside a hip that came too close for her liking. The owner jumped like a goosed gazelle, apologized, and moved away from the redhead’s pointed elbow.

Their position put them close to the spectators, the majority of whom were wildly supportive. There was one man who caught Dwalin’s eye. He was about the Scot’s age and well groomed, but there the similarities ended. The man was carrying a large yellow banner that proclaimed: “ Repent Ye And Believe the Gospel – Mark 1:15”, with the other side saying: “Christ Died For Your Sins.” He was yelling and pointing at the marchers. As Dwalin got closer he could see that the protestor was not the full quid.

One marcher stopped to confront him and then the crowd surged forward surrounding him, chanting, “God loves gays!” The protestor was taken aback by the intensity of the chanters and looked around worriedly as he found himself without escape.

Dwalin reached over and tapped Thorin, who nodded. The two of them headed for him with Legolas and Fili quickly catching up. They walked into the gathered crowd who parted before them.

“Go your way, now,” Dwalin told them. “He has as much right to be here as you do. Yelling at him won’t change his mind.”

Thorin stepped up next to him and helped him to lift the unwieldy banner. “Are you feeling alright, sir?”

The man looked at him with fearful eyes and Thorin smiled. “They’re young and they don’t understand.”

Legolas and Fili helped form a barrier and the crowd that had gathered moved on. One of the spectators handed Fili a bottle of water and gestured toward the protestor. He brought it over and held it out.

“The lady over there thought you might need something to drink on this hot day.” The man looked as if he was having trouble understanding Fili and backed up a step.

Thorin laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Remember that Jesus accepted water that was freely given.” The man nodded once, took the bottle of water and made his way back into the line of spectators, who parted to make way for him.

“It takes all kinds,” Legolas observed as they rejoined the others.

“Yes, it does, and I’m so glad we’re the kind we are,” Ori said, giving Dwalin a hug.

There was a stage set up and people gathered around it to hear the final speeches. There were several politicians, of course, and then the person they had all stayed to see.

Panti Bliss ascended the stage with her usual dramatic flair. Since [**Pantigate and her speech on oppression**](https://youtu.be/WXayhUzWnl0?t=3s) provided much needed publicity, Rory O’Neil had become one of the solidifying figures of equality in Ireland. When he spoke both as himself and as Panti people listened. He’d told people how it felt to be discriminated against just because he was born gay. He’d told them what it felt like to be standing on the street, dressed as a man and yet have trash thrown at him and names called. He’d told them that he didn’t have the privilege of walking down the street holding hands with the person he loved. He told them things they had never thought about. He made them look at the privilege of the little things they did every day – things he was not allowed to do because he is gay. He was a mirror and Ireland found that when they looked into it they saw oppression in a land they thought was free.

Panti took the mic and paused dramatically before thanking everyone for coming. She even thanked the protestors, because they proved how much equality is needed.

“It’s been a long fight, my brothers and sisters. Ireland has long been forced to bend a knee to others, but that time has passed. She is still divided, but that time too shall pass. Today we are gathered to celebrate our freedom, but to also remind others that one form of oppression still exists in our free country – the freedom to love the one who loves you back and to marry that person with all the rights and privileges that everyone else in our country enjoys.”

She waited for the cheers to die down before continuing.

“Today we are gathered to remind the rest of Ireland that one part of the population is still in chains, still starved, still afraid, still weeping in the night from fear. One part of our population is not free and can never be free until we are granted the same rights as everyone else takes for granted.

“Today we remind them that we are their brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, co-workers and people they pass on the street. We are no different than they are. We ask for nothing more than equality, but we will accept nothing less.

“Thank you for participating in this peaceful march to the Department of Justice. Let us hope they are looking out the window so that they may count our numbers and see how many of their countrymen and women are asking for nothing more than is freely given to every other Irish citizen.”

She waited until the cheers had died down and continued. “I know that you are all going to celebrate after this march and I want you to do it responsibly. Show Ireland that we are as responsible about partying as anyone else.”

She held up her hands. “No, wait, forget I said that--we don’t need the lot of you rolling the streets brawling like straight people,” she said, referring to a bar fight that had spilled into the street last Saturday night. “Come to my club, or your venue of choice, and lift a glass to Equality.”

“That,” Thorin said, “sounds like a brilliant idea.”

“Now?” Dwalin was dripping sweat. Kilt or not, the heat, the walk, and the wool were taking their toll.

“Not unless you want to get evicted for smelling like a Scotsman,” Thorin retorted cheerfully.

The look on Dwalin’s face told him that it was a good thing he was standing at the other end of their group.

“I think showers are in order all around. As much as I’d love to stay for all the political speeches that are about to ensue, I think I’d rather bugger off home, clean up and reconvene someplace that has food we don’t have to cook.

“Let’s all meet at Darwin’s at six. Dinner’s on me. Bilbo will make the reservations because he has a genius for it.” Thorin fell silent, seeming proud of his pronouncement.

“We can’t let you pay for us,” Tauriel quickly protested.

“Of course you can,” he countered smoothly. “It’s a business expense. What’s the good of owning a business if you can’t use your expense account now and again?”

Bilbo laughed. “Once Thorin says something, it’s as good as done. We will see you all at six. Now fuck off and enjoy the rest of the afternoon.”

They did indeed fuck off, going their separate ways as they headed for home, hydration, and hugs.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My eternal gratitude to Ceallaig for beta reading and offering excellent critiques. And to Pabu for her advice as well as her glorious art.
> 
> Hallie, who inspired "Chase" and writes "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us" is a paraplegic herself. SHE HAS RAISED ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY HER RACING WHEELCHAIR SO THAT SHE CAN COMPETE IN THE TOKYO PARALYMPICS!!! 
> 
> You are missing out on two great stories if you haven't read Hallie's "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us." In Rio both Aidan and Dean are wheelchair athletes at the Paralympics. [**Romance in Rio**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1093396) In "We're Fighters" Dean has epilepsy and Aidan is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. [**We're Fighters, Every One of Us**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/988916)
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, kudos, or creative criticism you don't want to put in a comment, please email me at drakkhammer@gmail.com
> 
> My new blog is: [Drakkhammerwrites](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/%22%22)
> 
> Be sure to follow Pabu's Tumblr [**hvit-ravn**](http://hvit-ravn.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thank you very much for reading. I hope you enjoy the story and the marvelous art.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner and plans, and laugher. The perfect ending to the perfect day.
> 
> The glorious art is from luirumi to whom I am eternally grateful for thinking enough of this story to paint this lovely portrait.  
> [ **Lurirumi’s Tumblr**](http://luirumi.tumblr.com/)  
>  Also check out her gorgeous illustrated story [**Beyond Blind Eyes**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2305826)  
>   
>   
>  Sorry to be so late with this. Writer's block is a bitch. On the plus side, the depression has lifted and the boys are talking to me again.

 

Fili and Kili stripped off their shirts as they came in the door. Fili took the sweat-soaked T-shirts to chuck into the laundry bin. Thinking the better of it, he hung them on the side to dry first. Kili headed straight to the refrigerator and grabbed a sports drink. He was feeling mildly dizzy with the beginnings of a headache and chastised himself for being stupid enough to get dehydrated. He chugged most of the bottle and then grabbed another bottle to hand to Fili when he came into the room.

“Fuck, it’s hot today.”

The blond laughed. “Duh, it’s July, but then back home they’re freezing their arses off, so it’s all relative.

“Is that season thing at all confusing?” Kili asked between gulps from the second bottle.

Fili nodded. “When you are a kid and read Christmas stories that aren’t from your hemisphere it is. I remember going to bed one Christmas Eve and being so disappointed that there wasn’t snow for Christmas morning that I apparently cried off and on all day. Mum and Dad were beside themselves trying to make it up to me because what four-year-old can understand that he lives on the wrong side of the planet?”

“And did they?”

“Yeah. Dad read an advert where Santa was going to surf onto the beach and give out presents. Apparently it was quite a drive, but they threw shit and me into the car and drove all the way there just to make me happy.” He looked away and blinked quickly as the memory rushed back.

Kili reached out and took his hand. “Have you called them lately?”

The blond shook his head. “No, and I should. I actually talked to dad for awhile about art the last time. I was hoping when gay marriage became legal it there it would help.”

“Maybe it did more than you know,” Kili said gently. “He’s talking to you and that’s a big step. Changing opinions of a lifetime doesn’t happen overnight.”

Fili laughed, but it was broken by a sob. “And this coming from you with all the problems you’ve had with your mum.”

He sat on a chair and pulled Kili to him. They sat hugging, giving each other tiny kisses of love and understanding.

“I’ve an appointment with a therapist on Wednesday,” Kili whispered. “I’m scared.”

Fili ran tender fingers through raven-dark hair. “Don’t be. I was scared too, but it’s going to be good. You were worried about seeing Father Grey and that’s gone well, hasn’t it?”

Kili nodded. “He’s the one who set the appointment up for me. I guess he knew if he didn’t it wouldn’t get done.” He managed a tiny self-deprecating smile.

“It’s hard to face your ‘demons,’ as my first therapist called them. Once you do, you find they aren’t as big and scary as you thought they were. Mine turned out to be about this big.” He held his thumb and forefinger a few centimeters apart.

This time Kili’s smile was real. “Like the Fear Demon on Buffy.”

“Exactly, but remember, don’t taunt them.”

“Yeah, it’s just tacky.”

Fili laughed and sat up. “You know what else is tacky? Us. Go strip and I’ll get the shower warmed up. We are disgusting.”

The brunet wrinkled his nose and then decided to kiss his fiancé anyway. “You’re never disgusting, but let’s rock the shower because I think my poor skinny Irish arse is parboiled.”

Even sweaty and slightly smelly, Kili was gorgeous spread out on the bed. Fili stopped for a moment to admire him. He was still thin, but he was starting to bulk up with more definition in his arms and chest. His skin was olive-tinged with cream and his dark body hair made a delicious contrast. Instead of being brown, his nipples were a delicate golden-rose that always begged Fili to come and play. The lovely treasure trail that trickled down from his belly led to the soft poof of dark pubic hair where his sex was nestled soft and shy. Fili heaved a little sigh. He was always tempted to bend down and nuzzle, enjoying the few moments where his lover’s cock was still soft and sleeping.

Kili noticed Fili’s interested look and stretched. He smiled lazily, a sultry look in his dark eyes. “Draw me like one of your French girls,” he purred.

“I already did,” Fili replied, surprising himself.

“What?”

“Well, painted would be more accurate.” He started to say more, but his voice trailed off and he didn’t meet Kili’s eyes.

“You didn’t?” Boosting himself on his elbow, Kili looked both surprised and flattered. “When? Where?”

“I’ve…uh…been working on it for the last couple of weeks.” He looked uncomfortable and fiddled with the back of Kili’s shower chair. “I’m not going to show it to anyone, I couldn’t get the image out of my head, so I painted it for me. I’m sorry, I know I promised not to do things like that without your permission.”

He looked so uncomfortable that it made the Irishman cringe to think that he made his partner feel this way. He held out his hand. “I’m not mad. I’ll bet it’s brilliant.”

Fili took the offered hand and sat on the edge of the bed. “You’re not mad at me?”

“Of course not. I’m so sorry I made it sound like I would be. Insecurity sucks.” Kili massaged the back of Fili’s hand with his thumb. “I thought I was so ugly and then I met you and after a while I stopped thinking about how I look. I guess I just see me the way you do now.”

He looked down at his legs, twisted with scars and going totally the wrong way in relation to his upper body. “You seem to like what you see and the best part still works reasonably well, so I have the stop hating myself, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Fili agreed, brushing a kiss across his lips. “I can’t look at you without wanting you.”

“Even if I stink?”

“Even if you stink.”

“Then how about we get rid of the stink and I’ll let you prove it?” Kili’s words were cheeky, but his eyes had grown darker and his cock was taking a definite interest in the conversation.

Fili stood up and moved the shower chair next to the bed. “That will be my pleasure.”

Much later Kili wiggled into a pair of shorts, wheeled into the kitchen for a Coke and then joined Fili in the living room.

“Have a nice nap?”

Kili stretched, displaying his chest for Fili. He hadn’t put on a shirt and was feeling both sated and cheeky. “Mmmm, thanks for letting me sleep. Remind me not to let myself get that dehydrated again. My body doesn’t like it.”

“But it does like other things…” Fili replied with a slow smile.

“When you do them.” He looked at the Kiwi and his voice dropped an octave. “Especially when you do them.”

Fili responded with a wink. “So, are you ready for the unveiling? You’re rather dressed for it.”

“I am?” He looked up at Fili with confusion. “I’m sorta undressed.”

A wink and a grin. “Yeah, that’s the point. Wait here a minute and I’ll get it out.”

Kili tried to be patient. He fiddled with his seat cushion as he watched Fili dig into the stack of canvases that he had leaning against the wall. He finally extracted one near the back of the pile and brought it out. He set it on the easel with the back facing Kili.

“Well,” the Irishman said, his heavy brows pulling down into a frown. “Do I get to see the fucking thing or not?”

“Promise you won’t get mad.” Fili really looked nervous.

It twisted Kili’s heart that he’d made enough of a fuss about having his photo taken to make the man he loved so unsure of himself. “I’m sure, babe. I’m dying to see it, so stop stalling and lay it on me.”

Fili spun the canvas around and Kili just sat there stunned. He had no idea what to say. The painting was absolutely gorgeous. He was absolutely gorgeous in it. Was that how Fili really saw him? He was sure he’d never looked like that in his life. He was the skinny hairy guy who’d always been too easy to get into bed and whose self-esteem had always been tied to his last race.

The man in this painting had Kili’s scars, Fili hadn’t slighted them, they were there, but not the focus. The focus was the lazy sexy gaze that handsome man in the painting gave the world. The light pouring in behind him made him look radiant. Their bedroom didn’t have a window like that, where had Fili gotten the idea to bathe him in light this way?

 

 

Kili’s silence made Fili nervous. “Do you like it?”

“I love it, it’s beautiful. I’m beautiful.” He looked up at Fili. “Is that how I look to you?”

The Kiwi nodded. “Every minute of every day.”

He walked over to Kili and pulled up a chair. “Once I got this in my head I had to put it on canvas. I was worried you would get mad, so I hid it.” He kissed the Irishman tenderly on the shoulder. “I’m sorry, I should have asked you before I painted it.”

Kili hooked his fingers under Fili’s chin and lifted his head. “No. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry I was such a dick about how my body looks. Shit, if I’d know this is how you saw me I’d probably have been dancing around naked all the time.”

The blond laughed, “And neither of us would have ever gotten anything done.”

“And wouldn’t that have been a shame,” Kili said, pulling him into a long sweet kiss.

They were nearly late to the restaurant.

 

 

* * * * * *

 

When they pulled up into the parking lot Kili looked over at Fili and made a face.

“What?!”

“That shirt doesn’t cover the hickey I gave you this afternoon.” Kili giggled and Fili blushed.

He pulled down the mirror and looked at it, groaning softly. “Well, we’re engaged so I guess they know we uh…”

“Fuck?” Kili supplied cheerfully.

“Yeah. That.” Fili was never going to get used to his partner’s openness when it came to sex, not that he wanted to. He very much enjoyed Kili’s bad-boy cheekiness. They were opposites in so many ways, except the ones that counted.

When they entered the restaurant, the host looked at their faces, Fili’s hickey, at the Equality buttons they both wore, and then slowly winked. Both the men visibly relaxed. They were among friends.

When they were shown to the table Bilbo took one look at Fili’s neck and laughed. “Well, I see you spent a productive afternoon.”

Thorin winced and shook his head. He was used to Bilbo and, truth be told, enjoyed the sass, but sometimes… “Yes, and you had to settle for a nap. Don’t be a crotchety old fart.”

“I’m not old,” Bilbo muttered, poking at his water glass with a look that said he was toying with the idea of dumping it on Thorin.

Thorin laughed, his deep voice carrying across the room. “No, love, you are anything but old, and I’ll prove it to you later tonight.”

Fili’s eyebrows shot up, Kili choked on his water and nearby tables gave them a mix of grins and frowns. Thorin didn’t care. Fuck ‘em if they had a problem with him and the man he’d loved for nearly half his life.

Kili still hadn’t worked out anything to say when Tauriel and Legolas arrived. Tauriel had changed into a muslin peasant dress in pastel sage green that set off her eyes. Her hair was caught up and tied with multiple strands of ribbon, from palest green to forest. Legolas had opted for a vanilla linen shirt that was cut low in a V to show a smooth hairless chest. The two of them looked as if they had stepped out of the pages of Vanity Fair.

Kili couldn’t help noticing. Really. He couldn’t stop himself. The blond was a vision, a god come to life. Never had he seen a more beautiful man. For the first time, he understood what drove Fili to photograph and to paint. The desire to capture and preserve perfection was almost maddening. He had no need to possess it, he didn’t even really desire it, but it was entrancing. Kili felt himself flush, he felt an excitement he didn’t understand and wanted to share with Fili. He didn’t see the glances exchanged at the table, or the tightening of his fiancé’s lips. He took a breath and time started up again.

The waiter came and took their order and returned briefly to pour the wine Thorin had selected. When he left the older man raised his glass. “A toast to Equality and to us for being a part of it.”

After they drank, Legolas lifted his glass. “And a toast to new friends. May our friendship be long and happy.”

“It’s always brilliant to make new friends, especially when they are as adorable as the two of you.” Bilbo had noted Kili’s interest in Legolas and discounted it. Being engaged didn’t mean you were dead, but he was going to have a word or two with him about being so stupidly blatant about it in front of Fili.

They talked endlessly about the march, the people in it, the ones watching, the ones protesting and most of all what it would mean if Equality passed. Kili couldn’t stop watching Thorin and Bilbo. They had always said that they would marry when it was legal in Ireland. That just might be happening and to Kili, it looked as if the two of them were falling in love all over again. It was so sweet that it ached.

He wanted a wedding too. He looked over at Fili who was listening intently to something Tauriel was saying. How had he managed to land, not only the most beautiful man he’d ever met, but the nicest one? He couldn’t imagine spending a moment without him. He’d gotten so used to Fili’s presence that coming home was always the best part of the day. The sex was better than ever as they continued to learn about each other and it was just brilliant to be in love with your best friend.

He looked over at Legolas, who was watching Tauriel with the same intensity that he felt for Fili. Love was definitely in the air tonight. He sighed happily. It just didn’t get any better than this.

When they were finished eating, Thorin said, “This really is a business meeting, of sorts.” He looked at Tauriel and smiled. “You’ve gotten Kili hooked on this idea of wheelchair racing, which means it’s going to be a big part of all of our lives from now on. I’m interested in sponsoring your team, not just if Kili makes it, but because I think it’s the right thing to do. It’s a good cause and racing isn’t cheap, so how would you like to be partners?”

Tauriel’s eyes were huge with surprise. She looked at everyone in turn and then held out her hand. “Done. We have a deal, Mr. Oakenshield.”

“Thorin,” he corrected her cheerfully.

She laughed delightedly. “Okay. Deal, Thorin.” 

They ordered dessert and Kili was in the middle of his decadent brownie a la mode when it was his turn.

“I have a business proposition for you as well, Kili.” Thorin was looking at him in the “Uncle” way that always made him slightly nervous.

“Uh…yeah?” He paused the fork in mid-air, not noticing when his brownie rejoined the piece left on the plate.

“I’ve decided that I have enough business to expand and the Clondalkin area is a good place to start.”

“You mean because we have so many break-ins and all?” He was thoroughly puzzled and nearly put the empty fork into his mouth.

“Well, there is that,” Thorin admitted. “But it seems a bit lacking in security coverage and it has been growing in the past few years, so It would seem an ideal time to spread out, business-wise.”

Kili had given up and put his fork down. “So what does this have to do with me?”

‘I’m going to put our new office on the ground floor of the building you live in and would like you to be the manager. You’ve been brilliant at dealing with people when you’ve worked for me summers.”

The Irishman looked at Fili accusingly “Did you know about this?”

Fili shrugged. “Thorin and I discussed it over lunch one day, but I didn’t know it had progressed to more than that.”

He looked at Thorin, “Are you buying the building?”

The older man smiled disarmingly. “No, you are. But none of this is set in stone. I’m just throwing the idea out there.”

“In the middle of my dessert. You could have waited. Now I’m not sure I can finish it.” Kili looked like he wanted to kick Thorin. Hard.

His uncle smiled at him. “You need to get back to work and this is a position that will be able to give you the time you need to train and compete. Just because I’m the one offering it to you, doesn’t mean that it isn’t a good idea.”

The smile left and Thorin’s face became serious. “Your settlement won’t last long with racing expenses. I don’t want to be the one to hit you over the head with reality, but it’s something you’ll have to face fairly soon. It will take months to get the office set up and there will be only a few clients at first. If you truly decide you hate it, I’ll hire someone else. How does that sound?”

Tauriel looked at him and nodded. “It sounds like a hell of a deal. Racing isn’t cheap and it’s hard to find a job that lets you take time off. Besides I can’t wait to see you rock a business suit.”

“Suit?” Kili groaned and put his head in his hands.

Thorin’s peal of laughter startled the people at the next table. “No, you don’t have to wear a suit, but I’d pay to see it.”

Fili was laughing so hard he had to put down his drink. Kili shot his fiancé a murderous glance and whispered. “No more sex for you. Ever!”

Fili looked startled and then he started to laugh again. “We’ll have to discuss all of this, especially my buying anything, let alone a building. But unless you really don’t want to do this, babe, I think a toast is in order.”

Heaving a dramatic sigh, Kili lifted his glass. “Here’s to gainful employment and my uncle who sometimes I wish would fuck off.”

Bilbo quickly clinked his glass to Kili’s. “I’ll drink to that. He gets too full of himself sometimes.”

Thorin smiled slowly at his love. “Ah, but you like it.”

Bilbo came as close to blushing as he was capable of and nodded. “I believe I do. You’re hot when you’re being all imperious and kingly.”

“So you like it when I’m dominating…” He looked at his partner and wiggled an eyebrow.

“Uncle!”

Fili didn’t know what was funnier, a scandalized Kili or an innuendo from one of the most proper men he’d ever met. He joined the rest of the table in laughter, Bilbo finally joining in, albeit with a look that said Thorin was going to have hell to pay later.

When the laughter died down, Kili said. “We’ll talk about all this when I’ve had more sleep and less wine. Tomorrow I’ll probably think it’s a great idea. Tonight the whole idea pretty much scuppers me.”

“Aye, captain,” Fili teased, “we wouldn’t want to sink the boat.”

Legolas and Tauriel looked at each other and lifted their glasses. “Us two landlubbers will drink to whatever works for you guys.”

“Excellent idea, my dears,” Bilbo affirmed. “Truly an excellent idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My eternal gratitude to Ceallaig for beta reading and offering excellent critiques. And to Pabu for her advice as well as her glorious art.
> 
> Hallie, who inspired "Chase" and writes "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us" is a paraplegic herself. SHE HAS RAISED ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY HER RACING WHEELCHAIR SO THAT SHE CAN COMPETE IN THE TOKYO PARALYMPICS!!! 
> 
> You are missing out on two great stories if you haven't read Hallie's "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us." In Rio both Aidan and Dean are wheelchair athletes at the Paralympics. [**Romance in Rio**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1093396) In "We're Fighters" Dean has epilepsy and Aidan is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. [**We're Fighters, Every One of Us**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/988916)
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, kudos, or creative criticism you don't want to put in a comment, please email me at drakkhammer@gmail.com
> 
> My new blog is: [Drakkhammerwrites](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/%22%22)
> 
> Be sure to follow Pabu's Tumblr [**hvit-ravn**](http://hvit-ravn.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thank you very much for reading. I hope you enjoy the story and the marvelous art.


	33. The Way to a Man's Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Thorin and Bilbo's story. The Way to a Man’s Heart is a path that is lined with French cuisine, treacle tarts and kisses.

  
Thorin’s mobile rang, jarring him awake far too early on a Sunday morning. It was the one day of the week that he got to sleep in and he cherished it. Glaring at the phone, he answered, promising death to the caller if this wasn’t a real emergency.

“There’s been a break-in!” a snappish voice said abruptly.

“Hello to you, too,” Thorin muttered. “Who is this and where are you calling from?”

“Ardmore Studios. I need you to get here immediately and find the culprit.” If anything the tone became even more peevish.

“With whom am I speaking?” Thorin asked, biting his lip to remain professional. What he really wanted to do was reach through the phone and strangle the bastard who woke him up at 6am.

“I’m Angus McGuinness, the head of security. Now stop dawdling and come down and do your job.” The phone was abruptly disconnected and Thorin allowed himself the luxury of having a swearing fit as he got up and marched into the loo.

Ardmore Studios was 19 fucking kilometers south of Dublin. Considering that Thorin lived on the north side of the city, it was a lot further than that. At least the traffic was nearly nonresistant at this hour on Sunday.

Thorin logged onto the computer to check the security codes. They were intact, but the log showed that somehow the forth floor security been shut off from 3 to 4:30am. In spite of McGuiness hovering over him like a demented dragonfly, he checked the log again. It was bordering on impossible that the system had shut down for that period of time and then turned itself back on. What was even stranger was that it was only on one floor – one that was not high security.

He checked the floor plan and found that the only thing on the fourth floor were two studios, one where the local morning show was filmed live and the other a cooking show of some sort. There were locked storage areas for expensive equipment, but nothing had been reported amiss. He cast a quick look at McGuinness, who was well on his way to either hyperventilating or having a stroke, not that Thorin cared which, and knew without asking that the equipment had been checked and that nothing was missing. This was not an emergency that required attention early on Sunday morning. It annoyed the security twat and he, in turn, had decided to annoy Thorin. This was a glitch in the system, nothing more.

Running his fingers through his hair, Thorin pulled strands loose from his horsetail, and then tried to scrape it back off his face. Tapping quickly, he reset the system and pushed his chair back to stand up.

Immediately McGuinness was in his way. “Well, what are you going to do about it?”

“About what?” Thorin inquired, keeping his voice even.

“Our security shutting down, of course,” the little man snapped in reply. “I can’t have it going off and coming back on like that. The floor isn’t secure and all floors _must_ be secure. Whatever is wrong you have to fix it – it’s in your contract.”

Thorin smiled wryly. “So, you’ve read the contract?” He couldn’t resist prodding McGuiness.

“Well, no, but we pay you to provide security, so you have to, well, provide it,” was the immediate response.

Sighing heavily, Thorin stood up. “The alarm is back on. Since there appears to be no reason that it turned off, there is little I can do. It was most likely a computer glitch and won’t happen again. If it does I’m certain you will let me know.”

Unfortunately for Thorin, McGuinness was going to take him up on that statement.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Thorin’s phone rang and then kicked over to voice mail. Groggily, he peered at the clock. It was only 3:15am, what idiot would call him at this hour on a Sunday night? Muttering to himself, he turned back over, arranged his pillow, and took a deep breath to help himself relax.

The phone shrilled again.

This time he flipped over and grabbed it from its cradle, holding the receiver as if the phone itself had offended him. “Yeah?”

A formal voice with a decidedly northern accent inquired, “Is this Oakenshield Security?”

“How did you get this number?” Thorin wasn’t awake enough to be polite.

“That’s not important, what is important is that our security is down again and you need to get over here and fix it?’ The voice on the other end was sharp with outrage and entitlement.

Thorin groaned as he recognized McGuinness. He looked over at the clock. It was 3:15am. “What in the hell are you doing at the studio? Thorin asked, trying to be polite and not quite succeeding.

“Oh, I’m not at the studio, I’m at home. The night watchman called me. He’s quite capable of checking the display.” McGuinness sounded smug. He was calling from the comfort of his bed and nothing made him happier than knowing he was disturbing Thorin’s sleep.

“Did he check the floor to see if anyone was there?” Thorin asked hopefully.

”Of course and he saw no one, but we can’t have an non-secure area, Mr. Oakenshield. That is not what we are paying for.” There was a pregnant pause. “But if you aren’t interested in fulfilling your end of the contract, I can always notify the station owner and see if he can find a company who is more interested in customer service.

Thorin promised himself that at some point he was going to allow himself the pleasure of choking the imperious little man until he turned a satisfactory shade of puce. “I will go and check on the system right now,” he said, trying to keep his voice level.

At half three there was little traffic and he made it to the studio in record time. He parked, and found a guard waiting for him at the door to let him in. He flashed his ID and then took the stairs two at a time rather than wait for the elevator. The security panel showed that the security on the forth floor was once again turned off.

Tapping quickly on the keyboard, Thorin tried to turn it back on, but it remained off. Annoyed, he shoved the chair back and went thundering out of the door bent on finding what was shutting off the security and interfering with his night’s sleep.

He got off the elevator and headed down the hall, his irritation building with every stride. He stopped before a door that had a seam of light showing beneath it. He tried the handle and found it unlocked. Slowly he slid it open far enough to peer inside and stopped in shock.

There inside the studio “kitchen” stood a little man with a mop of honey-bright curls, He was wearing a homespun linen shirt covered improbably by a dark gold brocade waistcoat with gold buttons. His pants were of a loose brown that looked weirdly like pajama bottoms and he was, inexplicably, barefoot. He was also cooking.

Thorin called to him and got no response. The little man practically danced around the set throwing ingredients into a large skillet that sizzled and gave off a beefy aroma that made Thorin’s stomach call out a cheery greeting. Frowning, he willed his stomach to behave, gathered his dignity, and spoke up.

“Stop what you are doing immediately! You’re trespassing here.”

And he was completely ignored.

This was ridiculous. Thorin felt like pinching himself because this was beginning to feel like a weird dream. This fey little man surely must be Puck come from some faery mound to…cook?  In a TV studio? And did faeries even eat onions?

This one surely did because he had put another skillet on the fire and had chucked in a small bowl of chopped onions as well as what smelled like garlic. He was stirring it briskly, standing with his back to Thorin, completely oblivious to the bigger man’s presence.

Walking across the room Thorin saw headset wires hanging to vanish into the pocket of the waistcoat. With typical directness he simply reached out, grabbed them and yanked them out of the trespasser’s ears.

The reaction started them both.

The little man screamed loudly and threw the skillet of onions and garlic into the air. Once the vegetables reached their zenith gravity caught up with them and they quickly returned to earth, raining down onto the two men in a pungent blizzard. Fortunately the skillet returned in a shorter arc going in the opposite direction. Equally fortunately it hadn’t been on the stove long enough to heat the contents.

“What in the hell do you think you’re doing?” Thorin boomed, furious that he was now liberally anointed with both onion and garlic bits. He took a step toward the smaller man, intending to apprehend him. Instead he found himself quickly backpedaling.

The trespasser’s response made Thorin long for the scream. He might be shorter than the security specialist by more than a head, but he made up for it in volume. He whirled and grabbed the upended skillet from the counter, righting it and slamming it down with all his strength.

“What in the bloody blue balls do you think you are doing, sneaking up behind me? And you laid violent hands on me. Me, Bilbo Baggins, assaulted in his own studio by a ruffian with the manners of a distempered badger. I’ll have the police on you!” He reached into his pants and struggled to withdraw a mobile.

Hurriedly Thorin reached out and stayed his hand. Scarcely had his fingers closed on the small man’s wrist when it was yanked away. His eyes were wide with fright and he spun out of Thorin’s reach.

“Help! Police! Call the police!”

Bilbo’s voice was much bigger than he was and Thorin had a flash image of the police showing up, cuffing him, and dragging him off to jail for assault. He put up his hands and tried to look harmless.

“I’m security. For God’s sake stop yelling!” He resisted the urge to clap his hand over the man’s mouth and shut him the hell up. He pointed to his T-shirt. “Security. Me. I got a call someone was trespassing.”

The shorter man stopped yelling and leaned forward to read the T-shirt. “Oakenshield Security. You’re safe with us,” he read, and then snorted. “I don’t feel very safe. I feel very assaulted. Do you have any identification to go with that lovely and undoubtedly expensive shirt?”

“If you will let me reach into my pocket without getting hysterical, I will be more than glad to show it to you.” Thorin’s patience and manners were both at an end.

The little man glared at him, lips crimped in an insulting twist. “I believe I can manage.”

“Glad to hear it.” Thorin slid his wallet out and removed his credentials. He leaned forward to hand them to the trespasser, but Bilbo took a step back.

“Just put them on the counter and back up.” The demand came with a side order of attitude that Thorin found himself itching to slap off the man’s face.

“There are onions and grease on the counter.” He was not going to set his ID in that mess.

“And exactly whose fault might that be? If they’re real, they will wash off.” Bilbo slid his mobile out of his pants and thumbed it on. “Or shall I go ahead and call the police?”

Knowing he’d lost this round Thorin set his card down, avoiding the worse of the spill. He knew that it was going to reek even after he washed it. He backed up trying to look harmless again, watching as the little man stepped forward, inspected his ID card and then set it back down in a puddle of grease and minced garlic. Thorin resisted the urge to wring his neck.

“Alright, I see that you are actually security. Oakenshield, interesting name, never heard it before.” He blithely used the card to scrape the bits of onion and garlic back into the skillet, ignoring Thorin’s glare at the abuse of his identification.

“Still that is no reason to come into my kitchen and nearly give me heart failure.” He dumped the retrieved vegetables into the garbage disposal and for one long moment, Thorin was sure that his card was going to go in with them. Abruptly the little man either changed his mind, or decided to stop harassing Thorin. He washed the plastic card with dish soap, then turning he opened a cabinet, poured out a bit of white powder onto his hand, and scrubbed the card again. He sniffed it, applied more white powder, and when it passed inspection, walked over to Thorin and handed it back.

“There, all cleaned up and none the worse for wear, although I must say I certainly am.” He frowned up at Thorin. “But then, I didn’t expect to be assaulted by a barbarian in my own kitchen.”

Out of patience, Thorin snapped, “It’s not _your_ kitchen, it’s a TV studio and you have no right to break into it in the middle of the night.”

Bilbo Baggins Celebrity Chef spun around, his curls spilling into his eyes. He raked them back angrily and took a step forward. “I’ll have you know this _is_ my kitchen and has been for the past five years. I just happen to have the highest rated cooking show in Ireland. Not that someone like you would know anything about such things.”

“I cook,” Thorin responded, feeling defensive. He had a fleeting thought that spaghetti sauce out of a tin and frozen pizzas might not count, but then he squared his shoulders and brushed the thought aside. The unpleasant little man was trespassing and whether Thorin could cook was not up for debate. Disarming security was what was on the table and he intended to serve it up hot.

“What is important is that you are _not_ allowed to come in here, turn the alarms off and act like you own the place.”

“But…”

“No buts! You are trespassing and unless you have express permission from the station manager to be here after hours, I could have you arrested. Do you understand me?” Thorin glared down at him ready for a snappy retort.

He didn’t get one.

Bilbo looked up at him and Thorin suddenly realized that the man had hazel eyes, not quite brown, not quite green. They were quite attractive really, but they were troubled.

“Please don’t.” There was definitely no snap in this reply.

“Don’t what?” Thorin was confused.

“Don’t have me arrested.” He really looked quite distraught and the cocky attitude had completely vanished. “I won’t do it again. I promise. I…well…can’t afford the bad publicity.”

Thorin cocked his head in puzzlement. “I’m not sure I follow.”

“I sometimes come in at night to rehearse a recipe and do a bit more preparation than there is time to do before my show. It wouldn’t look good if it turns out that my cooking isn’t as effortless as I show it to be on air.” He sighed and looked at his bare feet. “I’d be laughed at.”

Thorin didn’t know what to say.

“Cooking shows are cutthroat. If word got out that I was coming in to practice, I’d be finished.”

He reached over and picked up the skillet. “See this? It’s my top hat and the food that comes out of it is the rabbit, or in my case, rarebit. I’m supposed to be a magician who makes marvelous food appear by magic.”

He waved his hand over the skilled and pantomimed picking up a rabbit. “If the illusion is broken the show is over.”

Thorin relaxed his posture. “I had no idea. Is rehearsing some recipes here really that critical?”

“If I’m trying something new and complicated it is. It’s a new take on Coquilles St. Jacques.” Thorin nodded like he knew what Bilbo was talking about and the smaller man continued, his brows drawn together in a frown. “It has to be just perfect, or you have to throw it out.”

Thorin was mystified. “Couldn’t you practice at home?” He couldn’t understand why the little chef would go to all the trouble of breaking and entering just to cook something.

Bilbo set the skillet down and heaved a deep sigh. His whole body slumped, even his tangle of curls seemed to straighten a little. “The stove here is temperamental and the dials don’t adjust the flame the way they should. I’ve asked for a new stove a million times, but budgets are all these people can think about. They don’t understand the skill and artistry that goes into cooking.”

He looked up at Thorin and looked even more dispirited. “You don’t, either. You think we just throw some things in a pan and it magically comes out perfect.”

“Well, no…I don’t. Cooking is hard. I can’t do it,” Thorin quickly replied in his defense. “I put it in the pan and it comes out burned.”

“Your heat is too high,” Bilbo replied automatically. “Turn the heat down and you won’t burn things. Didn’t anyone ever teach you how to cook?”

The moment he said it he wished he could take it back. Thorin’s expression changed from exasperation to profound sadness. “No,” he replied quietly. “No one ever taught me.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.” Bilbo looked up at Thorin. “It’s just that cooking is easy, it’s people’s attitude that makes it seem hard.”

“I thought you just said it’s hard.” Thorin was puzzled by the contradiction.

Bilbo waved his concern away. “Normal cooking is easy. What I do here is more like fantasy cooking. People like to watch what they would never do at home.”

He looked thoughtfully up at Thorin. “If you don’t arrest me, I’ll teach you how to cook.”

The taller man shook his head, his expression lightening. “I’m not the police. I can’t arrest you and wouldn’t if I could. Believe it or not, I actually understand about needing to practice things to make sure you get them right.”

“Really?” Hope sparkled in Bilbo’s eyes.

Thorin almost smiled. “Really. But you don’t need to teach me to cook. I manage okay.”

The smaller man looked up at him and he suddenly noticed how large his eyes were and what a pretty honey color they were. Thorin blinked and quickly looked away. “You can stay long enough to clean up, okay?”

Bilbo recognized that look on Thorin’s face and decided to push his luck. “How about if I stay long enough to make the dish and you can be my tester? I promise that it’s incredibly delicious.”

Thorin chuckled and shook his head. It’s nearly 4am, hardly the time to be eating…what did you call it, cookie something?”

“Coquilles St. Jacques,” came the reply slowed down so that it sounded more like ‘koh-keel san jawk.’ “It’s bay scallops in cream.”

“Is that all that’s in it?” Why would anyone need to practice something so simple?

“Well, that and about 30 other ingredients to make it taste like something.” Bilbo laughed and his curls danced around his face making him look…well, adorable.

Thorin Oakenshield, head of Oakenshield Security, leaned on the counter next to him. “Just so I have this straight, you want me to aid and abet this breaking and entering in return for my silence and a bowl of fancy scallops in cream?”

Bilbo nodded. “That and cooking lessons.” He smiled charmingly, “And perhaps dinner? I know a lovely place where the food is exquisite and the wine is even better.”

“Are you bribing me with food and then asking me out?” Thorin’s eyes were dancing with amusement.

“Correct on both counts, unless I’ve misjudged you. In that case the Coquilles St. Jacques and cooking lessons still stands, but I suppose dinner would be out.” He looked a bit forlorn as he said it as he realized that Thorin wasn’t giving him a quick answer. Turning on his heel, he headed for the stove. “Let me know what you decide.”

Thorin had not been on a date in several years. He had moved back to Dublin when Frerin left to join the RAF. His younger brother had contacted him begging him to come back home. Frerin admitted that leaving had seemed like the only option at the time, but that Dis was having trouble coping with his absence and their father’s anger. Thorin had returned home, but his presence didn’t seem to be helping her. He only proved to be a convenient target for his father’s prejudice and hatred of his oldest son’s “chosen” lifestyle. If anything, he felt that he had only made things worse by coming back.

He tried not to look at the little fellow who was moving purposefully around the kitchen set getting out ingredients. He nearly smiled as he realized that Bilbo was sneaking glances his way. He really was quite attractive when he wasn’t being belligerent.

And Thorin always did have a thing for smaller men with curly hair.

He wandered over to where Bilbo was dicing an onion and attempted to look casual. In spite of having been a gay rights activist for years, he was still somewhat inexperienced at asking someone out, or even accepting an invitation. He was better at hookups than he was at conversation. Actually, he thought sadly, he was hopeless at both.

As he got close, Bilbo stopped chopping and looked up expectantly. Thorin was pretty sure he was blushing. He cleared his throat and tried to look casual.

“Would Tuesday night work for you?” He paused. “If that’s not okay…I mean, if you have something planned that’s okay…I…”

Bilbo gave the tall man a smile that made him forget what he was saying. “Tuesday would be fine.” He smiled again and Thorin felt the warmth of it down to his toes. “Pick me up at six?”

“Yeah, sure I can do that. Uh, where do you live?” All hope of being smooth was lost, so Thorin just bagged it and looked lost.

“Give me your business card,” Bilbo said, back to being bossy as he scraped the onion into the skillet for another attempt at sautéing.

Clumsily, Thorin fished one out of his wallet and tried to hand it to the chef who was now concentrating totally on the contents of the skillet.

Bilbo waved it off. “Write this down.” He quickly gave Thorin his address and phone number then turned back to cooking. Hoping he could read his scribbling, Thorin wrote and then carefully tucked the card back in his wallet.

 

~ ~ ~

 

The Coquilles St. Jacques, or “Jacque’s cock” as Bilbo had teasingly called it , was incredible. Never a big seafood fan, Thorin had been instantly won over. Of course Bilbo lived in Bray. And of course, traffic was an absolute bitch. Now as he pulled up in front of the posh apartment complex with an ocean view, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He hadn’t killed anyone in a road rage and he was going to have a lovely evening…if he had to kill someone to get it. He found a guest parking spot and walked up to the entrance where he found a complex row of buttons and speakers. Squinting, he located B. Baggins and pressed the button.

“If this is Thorin Oakenshield, please come up. If this is anyone else, go away.” The voice brooked no denial and the door buzzed as it unlocked. Thorin was quite sure that if he was anyone else he would indeed have “gone away” immediately. Mr. B. Baggins was not a man to be trifled with.

It was almost with trepidation that he pressed the ornate button to the left of Bilbo’s door. Thorin couldn’t remember being intimidated by anyone before, but there was something about the intense little man that kept him feeling a bit on edge. There was also something that intrigued him, hence his presence at Bilbo’s flat.

The door opened and Bilbo smiled up at Thorin. He was wearing an Aran Isle jumper in a soft cream that made the red-gold of his hair practically glow. Thorin forced himself to shut his mouth and stop staring.

“Well, don’t just stand there, come in. I do let people into my home now and again.” Bilbo’s voice was commanding, but there was a twinkle in his eyes that softened the edge.”

“Welcome to Chez Baggin’s where you will find the most exquisite food and drink in town.”

The larger man’s eyebrow went up. “So this is the place with the excellent food?”

Bilbo practically danced on his toes. He grinned widely. “But of course, did you think I would invite you to eat any place that wasn’t perfect?”

Thorin chuckled as he shook his head. The little fellow was amusing as well as adorable. He stepped inside and looked around. The décor was the opposite of what he expected. The apartment was done in a tasteful blend of wood and leather. The rich parquet floor complimented the deep red of the walls. The furnishings were artistic and looked handcrafted. The abstract paintings on the walls were obviously originals, their bright colors matching the teal and earth tones of the throw pillows that were scattered over the huge leather sofa and piled on the hardwood floor by the carved fireplace.  It was the polar opposite of what he had imagined when he pulled up in front of the building.

Bilbo noticed his expression. “What did you expect, chintz and roses? I’m gay, but I don’t flit. Even famous chefs like to be comfortable.”

Feeling like a complete idiot, Thorin tried to smile. “I just thought that you…”

“Would be fussier,” Bilbo said archly. “I was raised by a carpenter and an artist. All of the furniture you see here was either designed or built by them. I grew up loving wood and possibly being allergic to chintz.”

Suddenly he laughed and his features lit from within. “Please forgive my manners and for not living up, or is it down, to your expectations.”

Still embarrassed Thorin said, “I didn’t mean to insult you.”

“Oh don’t worry, you didn’t. I always enjoy people’s reactions to my home.” He started down the hall and looked back at the bigger man. “Come on into the kitchen, dinner needs a bit of tending and we can talk while I cook. I always eat in the kitchen. It’s more friendly.”

The kitchen was done in a lighter wood the color of honey. The accents ranged from pure yellow to earth tones making it look surprisingly homey in spite of all the professional cookware and appliances that sat on the counters. There was something cooking in a copper pot on the stove and it smelled heavenly. 

Bilbo peered into the pot with a worried frown and stirred it a couple of times. “I knew I should have started it earlier.” He was talking to himself, but Thorin could hear him perfectly.

“Well, I won’t starve to death in the next few minutes if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Huh? What? No, no I expect you won’t and neither will I. Bloody sauce isn’t reducing as fast as I’d like, but then I never did have the most patience in the world.”

He smiled disarmingly and walked over to a small refrigerator built into the lower cabinet. He removed a bottle of wine, snagged two glasses off a shelf and returned to Thorin. “If we can’t eat – we might as well drink.”

He was disarming and Thorin could feel himself start to relax. “I’ll drink to that.”

Bilbo poured the wine and raised his glass, “And I’ll join you.”

Two glasses of wine before dinner and two more during was enough to loosen them both up. Conversation was interrupted briefly as Bilbo served the main dish, finding Thorin’s look of wonder most gratifying.

“This,” Thorin said around a bite ofCoq au vin, “is freaking amazing.  If all your recipes turn out like this I can see why you are a celebrity.”

Bilbo laughed, causing his curls to dance temptingly. “I’m only a celebrity because most of the country can’t be arsed to read a recipe or take the time to prepare it properly. If everyone cooked decently, I’d just be another guy looking for a job.”

“I beg to disagree. I bow to your genius.” Thorin inclined his head in respect, the effect being somewhat spoiled by the spear of broccoli still stuck to his fork.

“I suppose I will have to bow to the will of the masses,” Bilbo conceded, his hazel eyes twinkling. He made a grand gesture toward the stove. “Wait until you taste my treacle pudding. You’ll have me canonized.”

It was Thorin’s turn to laugh. “And you are so humble.”

The smaller man rose and bowed. “When greatness is thrust upon you, what can you do.” He paused. “Oh yes…clean up the dishes, of course.”

“Allow me,” Thorin stood and gathered up his dishes. “Where shall I put them?”

“You don’t have to do that, you’re a guest,” Bilbo protested.

“I insist, besides I have to move around to make room for that treacle pudding you mentioned.” He was standing in the middle of the kitchen, balancing the plates and looking entirely too gorgeous to withstand.

Thorin was across the room before he knew he was going to move. He slid his arms around Bilbo and bent down to claim his lips in a long slow kiss. The chef rose on his toes, arms around taller man’s neck as he returned the kiss.

They were both breathless when it broke. Thorin was so hard that it was nearly painful and he was aware that Bilbo was in the same state.

“Well, do we pretend that we don’t do it on the first date?” Thorin asked, his voice husky with desire.

“I never said I didn’t,” Bilbo retorted, trailing his fingers up the inside of Thorin’s thigh. “And besides this isn’t a date, it’s me seducing you first with food and then my body.”

“It’s working. If you keep that up I won’t be responsible for my actions.” Thorin’s breath was coming in hitches and he felt as if the temperature of the room had gone up a hundred degrees.

“Should I stop?” Bilbo’s hand paused in its explorations.

“Please don’t.” Thorin’s plea was soft against the chef’s cheek. “But you don’t have to do this to get the combination to disarm the alarm. You had that long ago.”

Bilbo’s laugh danced like the sparkle of champagne. “I knew that the moment you agreed to come to dinner. This is because I think you’re the most gorgeous man I’ve ever met and I’ll die if you don’t make love to me.”

“Then let’s take this somewhere so I can do it properly because I want to explore every inch of you.”

Thorin let Bilbo lead him toward the bedroom. Unaccountably, he said the only thing he could think of.

“Are we still going to have dessert?”

Bilbo laughed delightedly. “Oh, you have no idea…”

 

* * *

 

Thorin would always remember this night as if it has been filmed through gauze – softly out of focus and candlelit. It was the first time he fell in love…and the last.

Bilbo led him to the bed and realized that the big man whose hand he held was trembling. He looked up into the bluest eyes he’d ever seen and saw the worry that decades of denial and abuse had placed there. His heart twisted and he reached up to pull Thorin down into a slow sweet kiss.

The chef undid the buttons on Thorin’s shirt one by one, sliding his hands over each bit of chest exposed. The big man was a recipe he was going to prepare slowly and carefully, with great attention to detail. The shirt slid off to puddle on the floor while Bilbo concentrated on unfastening the belt with its stubborn buckle and then the button and then the zipper.

He felt Thorin tense and he paused, waiting to be given permission to continue.

The hitched breath and tensed muscles made Thorin pause as well. His’s mind was a maelstrom of feelings and fears and want mixed with need – pure unadulterated need. He needed this man. He needed him in bed, he needed him in his life. He took a long deep breath. His need was greater than his fears and doubts.

Sweeping Bilbo up into his arms, he lifted the smaller man easily as he pulled him up for a kiss. It was frightening for a moment, but the intensity of Thorin’s kiss burned away everything but the need to have this gorgeous man with him and inside him. Bilbo wrapped his arms around Thorin’s shoulders and held on for dear life.

Neither of them really remembered all the details, but both knew that there had been much kissing and exploring with hands and lips, both marveling at the wonders they found.

And then there was no more exploring, there was only pleasure as they found they fitted together as perfectly as if each was made for the other and no one else.

Bilbo peaked first, arching upward with surprising strength as he cried out Thorin’s name, triggering his partner. Thorin answered with a shout that dissolved into a growl, earning him the endearment of “Bear.”

They clung together, wrapped in each other’s arms, Thorin deep in Bilbo, who clenched hard, riding out the aftershocks with moans and whispered endearments. Making the great bear inside him growl once more.

Thorin stayed, immersed in the heat of Bilbo’s body until nature took its course when he slipped back and out to a whimpered protest from the man in his arms. He kissed the chef tenderly and then rolled over to dispose of the condom.

When he lay back he found that Bilbo fitted perfectly into his arms. They lay sharing endearments, touches and tiny kisses as they explored, finding that curls and beards and smoothness and tangles of chest hair were the most marvelous things in the world.

After a time Thorin pointed out that Bilbo was chilling and that they were both messy. A shower was necessary. Very, very necessary.

He’d showered with a lover a few times in his life, but it had never been like this where he could barely take the time to attend to himself. He finally stopped worrying and let Bilbo wash him, happily returning the favor. It felt so different and erotic to slide his hands over smooth skin instead of his own thick pelt. It was a lovely feeling, one that he intended to indulge himself in for as long as possible.

Drying off proved a rich opportunity for humor. Thorin had never laughed with a lover; it had always been serious and somehow shameful. Bilbo turned it into a celebration with his silly little dance with a towel that sent the great bear into unexpected gales of laughter.

Bilbo drew him close while he was still chuckling and Bilbo found that gentle quake incredibly addictive. He vowed to keep him laughing and Thorin was only too happy to oblige.

They were so different from one another and yet each complimented the other. Bilbo was out, Thorin was in the closet. Bilbo had family he cherished, Thorin had a father who didn’t speak to him and worried constantly that he would lose Dis. But they worked it out. Bilbo shared Thorin’s closet because it was the ideal place to hide from the rest of the world, and through Bilbo Thorin experienced the joy and annoyance of family for the first time.

The Holidays with Bilbo’s parents were amazing and terrifying. Thorin was lost in a sea of smiling faces, festivities that seemed to last for weeks, although it was really only the twelve days. Thorin was relieved that there were no swans or drummers involved, only presents and well-wishes from a seemingly endless stream of relatives and friends. When it was over, he was heartily glad to return to his home in Dublin. He suspected that Bilbo was somewhat less glad.

Somehow, impossibly, they became a couple without either of them noticing. It simply became painful for them to be apart for any length of time. When Thorin returned from a business trip that ended up costing him a fortune in long distance charges, he surprised Bilbo and dismayed his sister by moving in with the chef.

Thorin was still persona non grata at his father’s home, but the old man relented after he became terminally ill. He still couldn’t accept what his son was and yet needed the comfort of having him close and advocating for him when he bacme so ill that his firey tongue was stilled. When he stopped eating, Bilbo began cooking for him. The chef was never mentioned, but the old man would eat the carefully prepared meals when he could tolerate nothing else and looked forward to the little treats that always accompanied them. He could never bring himself to say it, but they all knew that he was grateful for the meals and for the care that his son lavished on him, making his last few months more bearable.

Bilbo taught himself how to prepare gourmet baby food when Dis’ nutritious but inedible concoctions caused Kili to lose weight at an alarming rate. After that, he was part of the family, grudgingly at first, but gradually her son’s adoration of his “Unka Boo” won her over.

Together they raised Kili, seeing him through skinned knees, school plays, a broken arm from playing Superman, and eventually the BMX events that sent the men to cheering and placed Dis’ heart firmly in her throat.

The picture on Thorin and Bilbo’s mantle showed the three of them surrounding a grinning Kili who was hugging his first trophy to his chest. They were a family, not standard by any means and not without their problems. They could never be parted for long.

Thorin sat in his big leather chair holding a crystal tumblr with a generous portion of smoky whisky coloring it dark amber. He sipped it and looked up at the picture. Soon there would be another member of the family added and another photo to take. He knew without a single doubt in his heart that it would include all of them. It had to because they were family.

 


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So it begins...the next phase of Kili's life. Training is in earnest and he finds that he is ready for it and more. There is no going back and he's found that he wouldn't want to if he could. He thought he would never have a life and now can't imagine one better than the one he has.

 

Kili had rolled out of bed at seven, careful not to wake Fili. He’d put his clothes on his nightstand so that he could dress and then drop right into his chair. It wasn’t the easiest to maintain his balance, then put on and lace his high-tops without disturbing the Kiwi, but he managed. Better muscle tone obviously counted for something.

Breakfast was a bowl of healthy cereal, tasteless but nutritious. Kili winced at that thought, but shoveled in another bite anyway. Even the sliced banana couldn’t make this stuff taste good. He chucked down a few vitamins and recommended supplements, as well as a preventative pain pill, burped, washed out his few dishes and headed for the door.

Legolas was already at the gym and was doing a few reps with free weights. Kili watched him for a moment, admiring his smoothness and fluidity. He curled the barbells without apparent effort, arm muscles flexing and extending with ease. His creamy hair was caught back in a low ponytail that swayed with his movement. The Irishman was riveted by his pure masculine beauty.

He shook it off when his eyes slide down the lanky body. Legolas was all length and sleekness and suppleness like the bow he was learning to shoot. He really was lovely, but Kili’s eyes had become accustomed to a stockier frame that was perfectly proportioned. Fili had what Kili called “the most gorgeous arse on the planet” whereas Legolas had none. Besides, who else had dimples to die for and eyes like the bluest skies?

Legolas was eye candy and nothing more. For possibly the first time in his life, Kili enjoyed watching with no desire to touch. He had far too much to lose. He smiled to himself when he realized that he wasn’t tempted. Maybe growing up wasn’t so bad after all.

The blond spotted him and waved. “I thought you’d never get here. Couldn’t haul it out of bed so early, huh?”

“Fuck you,” Kili replied cheerfully. “I take it you plan to start with verbal abuse and work your way into physical.”

Legolas laughed and hung the barbells back on the rack. “You have the right attitude. You’ll make it, or I’ll come down and kick your sorry arse across the finish line.”

Kili popped a wheelie. “You and what army?”

“No army. Just Tauriel.” Legolas favored him with a shit-eating grin.

Kili set his wheels down with a thump. “Oh shit, I’d better get busy then.”

He did indeed get busy. Legolas explained that Kili was going to alternate between sessions at the gym and sprint training. There was a decent track just a few minutes from Kili’s house and they would meet there and do distance work. This all added up to Kili feeling that he might not survive. He had no idea how Tauriel did it.

“You’re gonna kill me,” Kili said at the end of a stretching session with the resistance bands.

“Naw, you’re just going to beg me to.” Legolas handed him a heavier band. “Do two reps of ten. I’ll resituate you if you collapse.”

Kili pulled experimentally on the band. It barely moved. “I’m gonna die,” he moaned as he buckled down and slowly stretched, expecting his arms to fall off any moment.

 

* * *

 

Fili wasn’t home when he returned, which was just as well. He was sore and he stank. He could smell himself in the car and the elevator had been just miserable closed in with himself. He made a face and wheeled into the bathroom. Grabbing a cloth off the bar, he stripped off his shirt, wet the cloth and gave his chest and pits a going over. Damned if he wanted to heist onto the bed smelling like this. It was bad enough that he couldn’t do a thing about his arse except throw down a towel.

Getting onto the bed and undressed was a chore. He was starting to stiffen up. He was going to have to cook himself in the shower if he wanted to be mobile at all.

He threw himself backwards on the bed and lay there looking at the ceiling. Fuck racing. Fuck all this pain. Why did he insist on doing this to himself? No one was making him get up and do a million lifts and reps and laps. Fili wouldn’t mind if he chucked it all. Fili’d love him even if he got fat.

He closed his eyes and tried to imagine himself with a belly, wheeling slowly around seeing clients. He’d drive a big fancy car like his uncle and be respectable.

Okay, enough of that. Fuck respectable.

It took a half an hour in the shower before he was mobile and another twenty minutes of stretches before he felt human again. He was trying not to think of doing sprints tomorrow when his tummy rumbled. Eating was definitely preferable to thinking.

He was sitting in the kitchen chowing down on a pork chop sandwich when Fili came in. The Kiwi dropped a kiss on his still-wet hair and frowned. “Hey, the leftovers were going to be for dinner tonight.”

“So sue me,” Kili said with his mouth full. “I’m in training. I’m s’posed to have a lot of protein.” Changing the topic he asked, “Where you been?”

Fili pulled a Coke out of the fridge and opened it with a snap. “Seeing to our finances.”

A dark eyebrow shot up. “What’s that mean?”

“It means that I’m will soon be a property owner and if you want to keep a roof over your head we need to hope you settlement comes through fast and that I can crank out some more paintings that people are dying to own.”

Fili took a long drink of his soda. He had the jitters and wanted nothing more than not be an adult for a while. He wanted to go back to the careless, stress-free days of being in grade school where all he had to worry about was passing maths.

“Oh wow…” Kili didn’t know what to say. He reached over and took Fili’s hand in his. “I guess it’s happening.”

“Yeah, we’re being forced to become responsible adults.” His face was serious, his dimples nearly invisible. “Please tell me you’re ready for this.”

Kili swallowed and put the remains of his sandwich back on the plate. “I guess I am.”

“Don’t guess.” It came out sharper than Fili had intended and he squeezed Kili’s hand in apology.

Kili squeezed back. “I’m ready. I want to win races, but I also want to be that person you see when you look at me.”

“Don’t do this for me,” Fili interrupted. “You have to do it for yourself.”

He ducked for a moment; damp curls spilling over his face, then met Fili’s eyes steadily. “I am. I want to be that person for myself. You’re the one who made me realize I could be somebody like that.”

“Even if it means working a real job?” The expression on Fili’s face betrayed his fears.

Kili nodded. “Even if. I basically did the job every summer and I liked it. I like being with people and I’m pretty good at getting them to do what I want them to do.”

“Oh you are, are you?” Fili’s eyes were sparkling and his dimples were back.

“Uh huh. I’m pretty sure I can talk you into some cuddling if I fix you a spot of lunch.” Dark eyes were teasing and perfect lips were drawn up in a confident smile.

“Are there any chops left? I feel like I might need a little protein myself.” He stroked the back of Kili’s hand with his thumb setting the Irishman’s nerves tingling.

Suddenly Fili pushed the chair back and stood up. “On second thought, the hell with food. I’ll make myself a snack later. Let’s go celebrate our collaboration and being property owners. We have time before your therapy, don’t we?”

“Oh yeah…” Kili couldn’t put his dishes in the sink fast enough. He just loved celebrations.

 

* * *

 

Kili sat in the therapist's office, picking at the wheel of his chair and trying not to look at either the receptionist or the other patients. He noticed on the way in that he was an object of interest and found it embarrassing. He was wearing his black jeans and a plain white T-shirt. There was nothing to look at, damn it!

One young woman sat staring at him without blinking. He had to shake off the feeling that he needed to check his fly and attempted to ignore her. After all, this was an office shared by several psychologists and it stood to reason that she was here because she needed some help.

He cut his eyes sideways and noted that she was still staring.

Boy, did she need some help.

The week had been stressful, but he had been careful not to mention it to Fili. The finalization of the offer and getting the papers together to buy the warehouse had only been one of the stresses. Training was making him more sore than he’d thought possible. Legolas was one bad-ass racing coach.

He'd called Father Grey and postponed the meeting that was to include Fili. He knew he couldn't deal with that and his first therapy session without having a meltdown. He'd felt his temper becoming short and was afraid that if his stress worsened he would have another meltdown. One was embarrassing and he didn't think he, or Fili, could deal with a second one.

He'd gone to see the priest alone and was not shy about needing reassurance about seeing a therapist. He also needed to talk about the pride march. He had never thought about being an activist before. Until the dinner at Thorin's he hadn't thought that much about being gay. Sure, he'd had a few guys say snide things, but nothing they said impacted his life and his ego had been to big at the time for slurs to bother him. He heard plenty of smack from other racers as they competed against one another and a little more just rolled off and was forgotten.

Seeing the protestors and the gathering of people who marched and those who came out in support made him realize that he'd led a very sheltered existence. He hadn't been thrown out of his home like Fili, or reviled by society like the people he'd met at the march. He felt like he'd been coasting along on their shoulders. He wasn't sure how to get involved. He only knew that it was something that he needed to do.

Father Grey was more than supportive and gave him suggestions for things that he could do and even a few people to contact. Kili had been extremely impressed by the speech that Panti Bliss gave and asked if the priest had seen it. He had not and the two of them went into the study and pulled it up on the computer.

Father Grey had sat there in silence after it ended. "I am going to show this to your mother. I believe this is the best speech on what it is means to be gay in today's society that I have ever seen."

Kili nodded. "I listened to her speak at the march and felt that I was as bad as any of those sitting in the audience. I've laughed at rude jokes and pretended to be camp to make my friends laugh. I made fun of people like him, up there in a dress and wig looking like freaks. I never stopped to listen to see that they might have something important to say."

A gentle hand reached out to take his. "But you are listening now and that's what's important."

"I hope I'm not too late." Kili's voice was very soft and strained.

"Of course you aren't, my boy. It is never to late to learn and to want to help others. I'm sure that you will find a way to make a real contribution."

As the walls of the therapist’s reception room closed about him, Kili hung onto those words. "...make a real contribution..." He didn't know if he could, but he would rather have died than disappoint Father Grey.

Far too soon his name was called and he rolled past the staring girl toward the beckoning receptionist.

The office was bright, the walls a creamy yellow that was both soft and cheery. There were several impressionist paintings hung on the walls, one of which looked reminiscent to a work Fili had done. The therapist scarcely waited until the door was closed to roll over and extend his hand. 'I'm glad to meet you Mr. Oakenshield, I'm Jim O'Malley."

Kili stared at the wheelchair and swallowed hard. Bofur had not mentioned it when he’d sung O’Malley’s praises. He was going to have a word with his physio the next time he saw him.

Kili took his hand and shook it. Dr. O'Malley was broad shouldered and looked more like a rugby player than a psychologist. His hair was reddish and cut short, his features were even, except for the broken nose. Yup, ex-footballer or rugby unless he was given to bar rights and considering his soft-spoken manner, it was unlikely.

“I’m glad to meet you too, Dr. O’Malley.” Kili’s grip was firm, but his voice was not.

Dr. O’Malley smiled at him and said, “Why don’t you call me Jim and I’ll call you Killian?”

Feeling the atmosphere lighten he smiled, “I’d rather you all me Kili, if you don’t mind.”

The psychologist chuckled. “Indeed I don’t mind.”

He wheeled back to his desk and motioned for Kili to join him. He looked at Kili’s tense posture and smiled gently. “I promise that I don’t bite. Now, what brings you here? Why did you feel that you needed to see a therapist?”

“Well for one thing I rolled in,” Kili said with a “duh” expression. “And I’m gay.”

Jim nodded and then asked, “Which one do you want to address first?”

Kili shrugged nervously. “I guess rolling.”

He shifted and then looked at his lap. “I don’t know why I came, or what to say. Everyone said I need to see a therapist, so I’m here.”

“And do you normally do what “everyone” says to do?”

“Feck no,” came the prompt response, followed by an involuntary smile. “I guess I’m one of the ‘everyone.’ I just feel really fucked up…”

His voice trailed off and he went back to picking at the wheel of his chair. He couldn’t look at the therapist. He wanted to be anywhere else on earth. He wanted to be able to get up and walk out of this damned yellow office. He wanted to be able to get on his bike and go sailing off a ramp again.

“I know the feeling.” Jim let the words hang in the air. Kili had to be ready to deal with his demons. Pushing a client into talking never worked. They had to be led until they felt safe and were ready to talk about the pain and to let it go.

“Have you spoken to anyone about your injury since it happened?”

Kili shook his head. “My physio and my mentor. He deliberately left out Father Grey. He wasn’t willing to go there yet. “My physio knows tons and he been massive help, but when I try to talk about problems that aren’t my body messing up, he bows out and tries to steer me toward therapy.”

“He’s a wise man to know his limits,” Jim replied. “How about your mentor?”

“He’s a great guy and tons of help with my back and legs, but he’s straight and not much into sports. He was married when his accident happened and doesn’t really understand my concerns about sex and all.”

The Irishman looked up at the therapist and commented ruefully. “I suppose its asking a lot to find me a gay athlete with my type of injury.”

Jim smiled and replied, “Yeah, it probably is. I guess maybe I’m as close as you’ll find.”

Kili looked at him quizzically. “You’re gay?”

“No, I’m…or I was an athlete. You can probably tell it was rugby by looking at me,” he replied with a smile.

Looking a little embarrassed, Kili nodded. “I did kinda suspect you played at one time. What happened?”

“I went for a goal the same time as a bloke bigger’n me. He hit me just right and I twisted when I fell. It severed my spinal cord at T-1.”

“I’m sorry,” Kili said softly.

“Don’t be.” Jim shifted in his chair and held up his hands, wiggling his fingers. “These still work and so does a lot of other things: brain, hands, lungs – you know the important stuff. It could have been so much worse. I landed with my head nearly under my shoulder, but all I got from that was a muscle tear. I wake up every morning thankful for what I have.”

The Irishman looked doubtful. “Don’t you ever miss what you lost?”

Jim leaned forward, his gray eyes serious. “Every fucking day. But I can’t live my life around what I don’t have anymore, or I’d be dead or in a padded cell. We all come to that realization sooner or later. You’re better off if its sooner.”

Kili was surprised by the passion in the therapist’s voice. Jim reminded him a bit of Thorin in his directness and honesty. He was surprised to find he liked the man. He hadn’t expected to care for him and had even planned that as his excuse not to go back. So much for his escape plan.

They talked about how Kili managed his pain and they talked about therapy and racing. They talked about everything except his family. Kili avoided it and his therapist noticed it. It would rear it’s head later when he was ready, until then they both pretended that it wasn’t the elephant in the middle of the room.

He did however, talk about Fili. Once he got started it was hard to stop him.

Jim laughed. “I get the feeling you love this guy.”

“Yeah, he’s amazing. I can’t imagine living without him.” Kili didn’t even mind that he was blushing a little.

“And you say he’s your fiancé? How long have you known him? The look on the therapist face was neutral. He wanted an honest answer from Kili.

“Four, almost five months.” He held up his hand. “I know…we know it’s too soon. But we were at a party and got drunk and he proposed so I accepted. Its one of my best memories and I think his too. We don’t want to rush into anything so we’re kinda engaged to be engaged,” he finished in a rush.

“So you’re going steady, as they say?” The therapist looked amused.

Kili chuckled and scraped an unruly lock of hair back from his face. “Yeah. We are. I went out to the pub with my cousin and there he was. I haven’t been able to take my eyes off him ever since.

“Everything is perfect. He is perfect. Hell, our names are perfect.” His dark eyes were dancing and a wide grin split his face.

“Have you had many relationships this serious?”

The grin faded, to be replaced by unsurety. “No, this is my first. I never wanted a relationship before. I can’t believe what an eejit I was.” He paused and then brightened a little. “Being in love’s the most massively wonderful thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Nervously he scratched his nose and fidgeted. “He’s nice. I used to make fun of ‘nice.’ Now I can’t understand why I was so stupid.”

“Sometimes we laugh at what we can’t have. Did you ever see yourself in a relationship like this?” Jim was relaxed, but Kili could feel him pushing a little.

“No. I said I didn’t want but, but I think I was scared. My uncle has a partner who is amazing and I knew I could never find anyone like Bilbo. I was a racer and a player. I guess I just thought nice guys were out of my league.” He was fidgeting harder, boosting himself off the chair in sitting handstands.

“Careful or you’ll land on the floor and I have it on good authority that it’s a bit hard.” Jim said with a friendly tone. “I’m not here to judge you. You’re getting pretty stressed when we talk about the two of you.”

Kili smiled ruefully. “Yeah, I guess I am. Fili is the one part of my life that I wouldn’t change for anything. I still don’t know if I deserve him, but I’m gonna try like hell.”

He ducked his head for a moment before looking back up at the therapist. “I guess I came in worried that you’d tell me it was going to fast and that I needed to back off. I don’t think I can do that.”

Jim smiled a little. “People tend to tell themselves all kind of things about what I will say. What say we just deal with things as they come up here and not project about what I might or might not say? I’m here to help you sort things out, not to try to run your life.”

Kili let out a breath that he hadn’t realized he was holding. “I’m just really happy and I never thought I would be ever again. I just want to make this relationship work.”

“It sounds like you have a good start,” Jim said approvingly. “I look forward to meeting him some day.”

Kili grinned looking very young and very proud. “You’ll like him. Everyone does.”

They talked a time about the accident and how he was dealing with being disabled. He didn’t realize until later that it was ninety minutes and yet the session practically flew by.

On his way home he realized why Bofur had so strongly recommended Jim and yet had not disclosed that he was in a wheelchair. He apparently wanted Kili to go in and meet the man with no preconceived notions.

“Bofur,” he said to himself. “You are a very smart man.”

Fili was painting when he returned. He covered his palette with plastic wrap and dropped his brush into a pot of water before turning around.

“So, how did it go?” He wanted to know everything—every detail but he forced himself to remain calm and not press.

Kili grinned. “I like him. I didn’t think I would but I do. He played wing for the Wanderers and that’s how he broke his back.”

“Broke his back?” Fili was confused.

“He’s a wheelie. He’s a T1, so we have some things in common. I never thought I’d have anything in common with a therapist,” Kili finished quickly.

“So, you think you’re going to continue to see him?” the Kiwi asked hopefully.

“Yeah, I’ll go.” He carded his fingers through his hair. “I thought it would be awful, but it was actually kinda cool. I think I’ve seen him play a time or two. We didn’t really talk much about therapy stuff though.”

His eye sparkled and he gave Fili a roguish grin. “I told him about you and how awesome you are.”

“Oh I am, am I?” Fili was chuffed by what Kili was saying. “Better not put me on too big a pedestal, I’ll fall off.”

“Naw, I told him you fart in your sleep.” Kili threw back his head in laughter at the look on Fili’s face. “I didn’t, but you do.”

“I never!” Fili was appalled.

“Yeah, you get all comfy and relaxed and fire away.” Kili was laughing so hard he could hardly talk. “I just tuck the covers in really good.”

Fili was completely without words. His expression was a mix of mortification and hilarity. Finally the hilarity won and he joined Kili, laughing until he had to sit down. “I guess I’ll put a cork in my arse.”

“Oh, don’t do that,” Kili managed to hiccup between laughs. “You’ll just shoot yourself in the foot and then we’ll both be in a chair.”

Fili snorted. “I’m going to take what little is left of my dignity and try to finish this painting.”

Will dinner be done soon, I’m starving.”

“Yes, Mr. Non Sequitur, it’ll be done soon,” Fili said patiently as he unwrapped his palette.

“Aces, what’re we having?”

“New Zealand lasagna.”

“What the fuck is that?”

“Just lasagna made by a Kiwi who needs to get this painting finished.” Fili winked at him and turned back to the canvas.

“Smart ass.”

“Yup,” Fili said, carefully mixing a color. “If you want, you can fix the salad in about a half an hour so we can eat early.”

Kili stopped in the doorway. “Why?”

Fili’s smile was practically a leer. “Guess what came in the mail today.”

 


	35. The Brass Ring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the drunk driver paralyzed him, Kili had thought that his life was over. But you don't get to be a top BMX racer without courage and determination. There are, however, a lot of things scarier than going off a high ramp with a bike -- falling in love was one of them. But he'd always been one for taking chances and then making them pay off. BMX racing was something you did alone, but his life now depended on teamwork and he was so very very lucky to have such an incredible team behind him. 
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry for the delay, but your consolation prize is sexytimes. ;) 
> 
> As always -- my deepest thanks to Ceallaig for being my partner as well as my awesome proofreader. :)

 

The Kiwi lasagna was delicious. Everything Fili cooked was delicious. He and Bilbo had teamed up when the chef realized that Fili thought cooking was another way to be creative. Kili thought cooking was something you had to do because raw food tasted like shit. He left the cooking to his fiancé, something that didn’t seem to bother Fili a bit.

Kili peeked at the blond from under his lashes and saw that he was being watched. The look on Fili’s face was indescribable. Kili had never thought anyone would ever look at him like that, even before his injury. It was love, but more than that it was joy. Fili heaved a private little happy sigh, sending shivers of anticipation down Kili’s spine.

Kili remembered when he was eight going to the carnival and riding the carousel. Uncle Thorin had showed him the arm that held the rings. If he was daring enough when he leaned way out on the way past he could grab a ring. If he was really lucky it would be brass and he would get a free ride. His mum had worried, but he’d leaned so far out that he nearly fell, but he got the brass ring. He remembered yelling and waving it, celebrating his victory along with his family who made an embarrassing amount of noise. The camera had taken a photo of his grab and he still had it somewhere.

That free ride was the best ride he’d ever had because he’d earned it. That’s how he felt sitting across from Fili. He’d dared to reach out for the ring, only this one wasn’t brass…it was gold with crystal blue eyes and the most gorgeous smile in the world.

The sex toys were here and from the way Fili was acting they were going to give them a go tonight. Kili thought he’d be more excited, instead he was nervous. What if they didn’t work, or they hurt, or maybe worse…what if they were so good that they would make Fili feel insecure? He finished his glass of wine and poured another.

He looked up at the blond and Fili slowly and lasciviously surrounded the bite of lasagna on his fork with his lips, sliding it off with a little sigh of pleasure. He chewed and then flicked his tongue out to lick a bit of sauce off the fork. Kili felt himself get hard. Whatever reservations he might have about the toys, it was clear that Fili had none.

Feeling a little relieved, Kili winked at him and Fili smiled, showing off those adorable dimples. The Irishman threw back his head and laughed, hair tumbling into his face, dark eyes shining. Fili felt the urge to climb over the table after him. Everything about his fiancé was addicting, from his laugh to his looks, to his mane of unruly hair that always tempted the blond’s fingers. Most of all, it was his personality, his way of fighting through adversity and coming out smiling. He might get down, but he was never down for long.

That thought made Fili want him even more. Kili’s drive to get better was inspiring. Every time Fili thought about slacking off he had a reminder of why he couldn’t. He remembered years ago when his father was speaking about his mother. He’d said, “She makes me a better person.” He hadn’t understood it then, but he did now. He smiled at Kili, loving the shy smile he got in return. Even more, he loved the flick of the tongue that transformed shy into wicked.

Fili stood up to clear the dishes and Kili could see that he was already hard, the outline of his cock straining against his jeans. Kili quickly grabbed up his dishes, balanced them on his lap, and wheeled over to put them into the sink. Fili came back with the remaining dishes and when he started to turn he was stopped.

Strong hands cupped the cheeks of his rump, squeezing and massaging. “You have the most gorgeous arse I’ve ever seen,” Kili said, sliding his hands over the tight jeans, fingers exploring the firm roundness.

Fili chuckled. “I’m glad you like it since you’re eye-level with it a lot of the time.”

“It’s the one advantage of being in this chair. I always have a ringside view of your arse and cock.” He leaned forward and bit Fili sharply enough to draw a squeal of protest.

“Hey, don’t damage the merchandise!”

“Sorry, but I want to eat you up.” Kili bit him again, but more gently this time.

“And I want to eat you up. Actually I want to lick you from one end to the other, but you’ve been working out and I’ve been painting all day.” Those blue eyes teased him as Fili looked down at him from over his shoulder. “How about a shower and then we’ll see what kind of mischief we can get into?

Kili gave him a last grope, then spun around, and headed for the bedroom. By the time Fili got there he’d stripped off his shirt, gotten onto the bed and was taking off his shoes.

“Want some help there, handsome?” Fili asked with a wink.

“Best proposition I’ve had all day. I hear undressing someone can be very erotic,” Kili teased, lying back on the bed. He stretched languidly and Fili couldn’t help but notice the new definition in Kili’s pecs and abs. It made his mouth water. There were definitely some perks that came with all those massages he’d been giving.

“Mmm, I’ve heard the same thing,” Fili replied, tossing both shoes in the corner. “Lay back and let me help you with those troublesome pants.”

Kili watched as Fili slid his jeans off and tossed them to the floor. The Irishman was so hard he was throbbing, his cock bobbing slightly as Fili slid his hands down, following Kili’s treasure trail. He held the Irishman’s hips for a moment, his thumbs caressing velvet soft skin. Then he hooked his fingers in the waistband and with infinite care, slid the briefs down, lifting them outward to release Kili’s erection. It snapped upward and bounced, which should have been funny, but at the moment was only amazingly erotic. Dropping the briefs, Fili leaned forward and planted a tiny kiss on the tip of Kili’s cock, making it jerk in response.

Kili looked at him, his eyes dark and hot. “Strip for me.”

Fili paused, momentarily surprised by Kili’s aggressiveness. He’d always been quiet and almost worryingly passive about sex. Now his eyes were boring into Fili’s with a fire glowing in them that hadn’t been there before. The blond smiled, pulled his T-shirt over his head slowly, and dropped it on the floor. He waited, as if asking for permission, his erection straining at his jeans. Kili licked his lips and nodded. A bolt of desire shot straight to the tip of Fili’s cock, making it throb.

Fili slid the zipper down and then shucked them off, kicking them to the side. There was a damp spot on his white briefs where his cock was weeping and Kili had the urge to reach out for it, but he restrained himself. Tonight was going to be slow and as hot as he could make it. He needed it this way. He hadn’t felt like this in a long time. He was on fire and wanted it to burn as long and hot as possible.

“Pull them down,” he commanded, his gaze riveted on Fili’s cock.

The blond’s lips were curved in a little smile, but his eyes were dark blue and serious. He hooked his thumbs in the waistband and pulled them down slowly, maneuvering them over his erection and then letting them fall in a puddle at his feet. He stood there, gloriously nude, turned on beyond words. He’d hated to be given orders before, but this was different…this was his Kili.

Kili swept his eyes over Fili’s body. He’d never seen anyone more perfectly built. The New Zealander was the Golden Ratio personified. Kili’s eyes returned to Fili’s beautiful erection.

“Touch yourself,” Kili whispered, his voice ragged. He was staring without blinking as if he was afraid of missing something.

The blond’s little smile turned into a bigger one. Fili’s breath caught in his throat as he looked at Kili, mesmerized by the fire in his eyes. Fili wrapped his hand around his cock and squeezed, moving his hand slowly, his hips thrust forward in unison with his strokes. “Like this? Is this the show you want, babe?”

“Oh yeah, stroke it.” Kili looked up, fascinated by the lust on Fili’s face, and then back down to the action. Pink and gold, it fascinated him. He watched Fili’s hand move slowly, putting pressure where it felt the best.

“You want this? Is this what you need?” Fili’s voice had dropped low and was raspy with want. This was a Kili he’d never seen before and he needed him so badly he was trembling. Fili moved his hand slowly back and forth, teasing himself and Kili as his foreskin alternately covered and then displayed the glistening tip.

“You know damn well it is,” Kili growled. “Fuck the shower. I want you right now.”

Fili rang his thumb over the tip of his cock, playing with the slick that had gathered. He licked his lips and then raised his thumb into his mouth and lasciviously licked it clean. He slid it in and sucked it slowly in and out. “What to you want?”

Kili propped himself up and looked at Fili with a wicked smile. “I want you to stick that dildo up my ass and sit on my cock. I want to fuck you. And I want to watch you get yourself off while I do it.”

Fili paused in surprise. “Is your back up for it?”

“Oh yeah,” came the breathy reply. “I checked and I’m good to go as long as you don’t try to pound me into the mattress.”

“Don’t tempt me.” Fili kept his reply light, but it had been a concern since they’d met. He’d wanted Kili to take him, but had never mentioned it. Just the though made Fili weak in the knees. They’d never done it this way; afraid of damaging Kili’s healing spine, but if he’d been given clearance…

Fili had washed the toys and put them in the nightstand. He pulled out the prostate plug, thinking it looked more like a futuristic weapon. He grabbed the lube and knelt on the bed. He was trying to decide how to approach this when Kili simply reached up and grabbed him, dragging him down into a hot kiss that lasted until neither had any breath left.

Cupping Kili’s face in his hand, Fili backed the kiss off a little, licking Kili’s lips and exploring the inside of his mouth. He tasted like garlic and red wine and passion. The kiss was languid and the licks that accompanied it raised Kili’s blood to a boil. He lifted into the kiss, battling Fili’s tongue with his own. The kiss was sloppy and so hot that Fili’s breath sobbed in his throat, making him clamp down on his desire lest he end this moment far too soon.

Kili broke the kiss and slid his tongue over Fili’s lips and then down his neck to suck first gently and then harder, feeling the strong pulse beneath his lips. He broke the capillaries and the sting made Fili even harder. He loved that Kili was marking him; he loved everything that Kili did because he knew it was all done with love.

Kili soothed the sting with quick flicks of his tongue and a gently kiss. Fili’s fingers tangled in his hair pulling him away to gain access of his own. He moved down Kili’s neck to nip gently and then to suck a love bite, leaving his own mark on his love. He’d thought that after exercising Kili would have a strong, possibly unpleasant, scent, even though he’d spruced up a bit before his therapy session. Instead he breathed in a mix of pheromones, spicy deodorant and the heady scent of Kili’s arousal. He tasted of salty sweat and his own unique flavor that never failed to turn Fili on even more. Eagerly, the Kiwi explored first one nipple and then the other, and then started his descent.

Kili reached out to stop him. “That might not be such a good idea, babe.”

Fili looked up, his blue eyes darkened to cobalt. The corners of his mouth twisted into a sultry smile. “You smell like spice, and musk, and sex.”

Kili’s immediate thought was to reply with something smart, but the look on Fili’s face silenced him. He’d been dealing with the thought of not being wanted for so long and now Fili looked at him in a way that made him need to count to ten so that he wouldn’t finish before they had even begun.

Fili dropped his head back down, his tongue blazing a moist trail to the base of Kili’s cock. His pubic hair was a soft puff that was untrimmed by Fili’s request. He loved nuzzling into it, reveling in the heady scent. The workout had amplified it, but it was far from unpleasant. If anything it was the most erotic thing Fili had ever smelled. The man who always insisted on showers before sex thought he might have to revise that strategy. The pure scent of his love was far more intoxicating than he could have imagined.

He breathed deeply and then slid his tongue up the underside of Kili’s erection before sliding his lips down over the shaft. The taste was stronger and incredibly erotic. Even more erotic was Kili’s reaction. The brunet rose up, arched his chest, and then fell back on the bed with his slender fingers digging deeply into the mattress.

Kili started with “Oh Jaysus!” and then descended into gutter descriptions of what he wanted Fili to do. “Suck me hard. I belong to you and only you. I want to feel it. I want to make you take me so that you know that you belong only to me.”

At this, Fili lifted up. “There is no one else. There could never be.” His eyes were burning, his face serious. “I belonged to someone else because I had no choice. I have a choice now – and I choose you.”

Kili reached out and tangled his fingers in Fili’s curls tugging not ungently. “Then come up here and kiss me.”

It was savage, all teeth, and tongues, wet and hot and as messy as it was incredibly erotic. They were both nearly out of control with lust for one another. “I choose you.” Kili’s voice was soft and rough in Fili’s ear. “Oh god, I choose you. Nobody else, just you.”

Kili’s tongue swept down Fili’s sweating neck to the juncture of shoulder and neck. “I never knew it could be like this. “ He licked the bruise he’d raised earlier, soothing the skin. “I’m fucking addicted to you.”

The words sizzled under Fili’s skin, dancing like fire along his spine. He’d dreamed of being wanted like this and now the man he loved more than life itself was affirming it.

“I love you,” he whispered into Kili’s dark waves. “I fucking love you, so much.”

“Love you,” Kili echoed against his chest, long fingers drawing trails of flame across his partner’s skin. He wound his arms around Fili’s chest and drew him into a crushing hug. “Love you. God, how I love you!”

They held the embrace for a long moment. Fili sucked in a great lungful of air and let it out. He calmed. With a parting kiss, he heaved himself off of his partner, wiped the sweat from his face before it could sting his eyes and reached for the things in the drawer. He’d been daydreaming of what it would be like to use the toys on Kili, but not in his wildest ones had he come up with this level of heat. He loved the change and refused to think about it, or anything beyond how to please Kili. He pulled the lube and butt plug from the drawer, placing them within reach.

He quickly straddled Kili and moved down on his body, hands gripped and stroking, reveling in the long straight body hair, so different from his own tight curls. He carefully maneuvered between the Irishman’s legs and then lifted them, bending his knees to give himself access to Kili’s most secret areas.

He descended to trap the head of Kili’s cock between his lips and sucked hard enough to draw a muted scream from his partner. Lifting off, he slid his fingers down to cup Kili’s stones, his hand gently encompassing the Irishman’s testicles. Strong fingers descended even further to slide up to the soft tight entrance to Kili’s body.

Fili’s thumb caressed the ring of muscle, steel surrounded by velvet, and whispered. “Do you want more?”

“God yes,” Kili’s breath hitched and mentally pressed his body against Fili’s thumb. “Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop.” He only moved a few centimeters, but the slight movement was enough to nearly make the blond lose it. He mentally pulled away and sucked air into his lungs, trying to regain control.

Kili reached down to stroke his own cock, tempting Fili with eyes that burned as dark and hot as coal. The blond squirting lube onto his fingers and slowly worked a finger into the Irishman.

He loved watching Kili turn on and thought they needed to get some lighting that was more romantic than the overhead that was currently on. Thinking about the lighting cooled him down, but watching Kili stretch and then reach down to stroke himself definitely had the opposite effect.

Fili continued to add fingers, making his partner moan as each new digit was inserted. He exchanged his fingers for his thumb, making Kili groan in protest as he eased his fingers out. Pressing out more lube, and after making sure that Kili could see him, Fili worked himself open. It wasn’t the first time he’d put on a show, but it was the hottest and the most fun. He was sure he looked like something out of a porno, the thought nearly making him giggle.

“Yes,” Kili hissed in approval, instantly bring Fili’s thoughts back to the show in front of him. “Open yourself for me.” He continued to stroke himself slowly, making the blond nearly wild with need.

When Fili judged that Kili was open far enough, he lubed the butt plug and slid it into place. It was thick and the sting of it entering drew a soft intake of breath from the brunet.

“Is it okay?” Fili was ready to remove it, if it hurt.

“It’s fine. It feels a little weird, but, yeah, its fine…it’s…” Fili turned on the vibrations and Kili had no more words. He moaned, his voice stuttering in his throat and he body froze as he nearly came.

Seeing that it was too much, Fili dialed it down and Kili was able to open his eyes again. He had a wickedly crooked smile on his face. “Fucking hell, that was a little too amazing.” He sucked in a breath. “Come up here now. Bring your beautiful self up to me.”

Kili stretched out his arms, his hands spread wide in welcome. Fili arranged his legs carefully and then moved up the bed. He positioned himself over Kili’s erection, resting the head against his sphincter. It had been a long time and he had thought that this would never happen again for him. He looked up at Kili, at the serious expression that bordered on anger but really meant that he was so intense he was ready to explode. The dancing gleam in his eyes and the happy curve of his lips told Fili that his lover was more than ready for him.

Slowly, Fili descended, ignoring the stretch and its accompanying sting. His eyes were riveted on Kili’s. He pressed lower still until he was fully breached and the Irishman was resting deeply within. The burn faded and the stretch became pleasurable. He blinked and signed happily, causing Kili’s seriousness to fade into a smile. The hands that had held Fili as lightly as butterflies now gripped and stroked, one reaching down to surround his aching cock.

Kili ran his hands over Fili’s chest, stopping at the scar on his belly. The Irishman paused and then traced it slowly with his thumb. “I’m so glad you didn’t die.”

Fili chuckled. “Me too.”

Kili’s eyes were dark, his expression intense. “I mean that. I don’t want to think what my life would be without you.” His thumb stroked the scar gently. “You are so gorgeous and this just makes you even more beautiful.”

He pulled Fili to him for kiss that started gentle, but quickly turned steamy. Fili explored Kili’s mouth one last time and then sat up. Smiling wickedly, he slowly moved up and then down, Kili’s cock grazing his prostate, sending electric shocks from the tip of his cock up his spine. It was like coming home. It was love and warmth and acceptance. It was pleasure so indescribable that all he could do was moan in concert with his partner. It was like nothing he’d ever experienced and Fili knew that if he died at this moment he would have reached heights that no other could boast of.

The squeeze of Kili’s hands on his hips brought him back to reality and he added a twist to his downward “Fuck me, baby,” Kili chanted, voice ragged, hands begging for release. He kept a steady stroke on Fili’s cock, pulling it up and releasing, the precome leaking in glistening strings.

Fili leaned back, reached down and turned the vibrator up a little, reveling in Kili’s cry of pleasure. He turned, balanced himself with both hands on the bed, judged his angle and depth and then drove himself onto Kili over and over.

Sweat poured off him, gathering in his curls to drip onto the Irishman’s chest. Kili was shining with it. His arms corded with muscle that gripped and released, stroking Fili, fingers biting deeply into the Kiwi’s back and then sliding down to grip his thigh. Kili rode his lust higher, not noticing that his fingers marked Fili, who in turn felt only a sting of pleasure. They were soaring where pain could not touch them. They were comets, joined and arching as they burned hotly against the gravity of reality.

When they could stand it no longer, they blazed. First Kili, spurting deep into Fili, grunting and cursing as he came hard and then was ridden through the aftershocks. Recovering quickly, he grabbed and stroked hard, setting Fili off, hot jets of white painting his hand and landing amid the long dark hair on the Irishman’s chest. Kili cried out again and would have sworn that he came a second time.

Fili crashed back to earth, but had enough left to remember to remove the butt plug. He leaned back, slid it out and dumped it on the already ruined sheet. He was going to collapse onto Kili when strong hands held him up.

Fili was wrecked. His breath was coming in great heaving gulps as he fought to balance himself on the bed and not put too much weight on Kili’s hips. But Kili wasn’t having it. He reached out and put his hands on Fili’s pecs, pushing him upright.

“I want to see you,” Kili said, sliding his hands over, Fili’s chest, smearing his own semen over the crisp curls. “I want to see you covered in your own come, riding my cock. I want to know that I did this to you.”

His hands ghosted over Fili’s nipples, making sure the Kiwi was going to stay there. Then he pulled one hand away and slid a finger into his mouth, sucking on it, his eyes twinkling merrily. Smiling, Fili took his hand and drew it to his own mouth, licking the palm, tickling the sensitive skin with the tip of his tongue.

“I love you, Killian Oakenshield. I love you so much.”

Kili laughed with the open-mouthed joy Fili found so irresistible. “And I love you, Phillip Durin. I will never love anyone else as long as live.”

“So, did our new toy work, okay?” The question was rhetorical, Fili’s voice light and teasing.

Kili’s laugh was rich and slightly hoarse. “I think we could call it a win, but I won’t be convinced until I get to return the favor.”

“I think,” Fili replied huskily, “that might take awhile. I think you killed me.”

“Then they’ll bury us together.” The thought peaked Kili’s off-center sense of humor. “We will be cuddled up in the same coffin. Do you want dog-style or missionary?”

Fili’s eyebrow lifted. “I think missionary, so I’m not talking to the back of your head for eternity.”

“Good point,” Kili agreed.

He looked into Fili’s eyes. They were crystal blue again, his dimples very much in evidence. “My god, you have to be the most gorgeous man in the universe,” Kili said appreciatively.

“More handsome than Legolas?” He mentally kicked himself for dragging that out right after they had made love. He never could hide his insecurities.

Kili’s eyes darkened for a moment and then the gold was back. “He’s decorative, but I saw him stripped down today and he’s thinner than I am and hairless.” Kili scraped appreciative fingernails through golden chest curls. “He can’t touch you…and if he tries I will break his fingers. One. By. One.”

The Irishman reached up and dragged Fili down into his arms. He nuzzled into his neck, peppering it with tiny kisses. “I’m sorry I made you worry. I think I was a little worried too. I used to chase after every man who caught my eye, but I think you’ve grown me up.” His lips quirked into a little smile that was too soft to be humor. “All I could think of today was making it home and getting my hands on you. I love you so much.”

Fili hugged him tighter, not ashamed that a tear or two dripped into Kili’s hair. Kili had turned the corner. Whatever the accident had broken was healed. His body had a way to go yet, but his spirit was back. More importantly, surprising even himself, he’d matured.

They lay entwined until they chilled and had to laughingly peel apart from one another. The shower was long and languid and delicious. They threw a sheet over the bed. Stripping it would wait until tomorrow. Tonight they wanted to sleep surrounded by the scent of good sex and amazing love.

 


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trip to the beautiful Garden of Remembrance and lots of feels. 
> 
>  
> 
> I'm sorry to have been gone so long, but hopefully I'm back now and so are the lads. :)

 

The delicious feelings of their lovemaking lasted for days, seeing them through the remains of the hectic week. Fili was painting like a madman, ideas coming almost as quickly as he could paint them. Thorin’s painting was nearly finished, the huge canvas dominating Fili’s studio area. The whole house smelled of paint and happiness.

Kili brought a rather different aroma into the flat. He was frankly killing himself at the gym. Legolas proved to be a difficult taskmaster, always calling for more, even when the Irishman swore that one more lift was going to be the end of him.

Wheelchair racing required a lot more conditioning than BMX racing since Kili was only going to be able to use his upper body muscles. He was glad that Fili was still purring from their last lovemaking because he was too bloody tired to do more than crawl into bed and mumble goodnight.

For his part, Fili was exhausted as well. He skipped his counseling session to work on Thorin’s painting. By Friday evening it was Thai takeaway that they were too tired to eat. Never had a bed looked so good. Kili could hear it whispering to him as he finished brushing his teeth. His back was killing him and he took his pain meds out of the medicine cabinet just as Fili came around the corner.

“Is it bad tonight?” The Kiwi’s face was soft with empathy. His shoulder was hurting from stretching up to paint and for a moment he thought about asking Kili for a couple of pills.

“Yeah, it’s kind of stabby. I overdid it at the gym and then I went out and rolled around the track a few dozen times.” He swallowed the pills and put the glass back in its holder.

Fili bent and reached past him, taking the Paracetamol bottle off the shelf. He washed a couple down and it was Kili’s turn to be sympathetic. “Want me to work on that shoulder for you?”

“Only if you’ll let me massage your back,” Fili replied tiredly.

He went into the kitchen and plopped down in a chair. Kili rolled up to his right side, leaned forward and began to massage the tight muscles in his shoulder and arm. The Irishman’s strong fingers dug in, forcing the muscles to relax. It wasn’t the most pleasant sensation, but Fili ignored the discomfort as he waited for the muscles to release.

“I called Thorin today and told him the painting is done and just needs to dry. He can pick it up on Monday.” Fili stretched a little under Kili’s fingers as they dug deep, forcing sore muscles to relax.

Kili grinned. “Whatever will you do with yourself now?”

Fili was silent for a moment and then looked at Kili. “My agent asked me to put together enough for a show in London.”

Busy fingers stopped and Kili let out a breath. “That’s pretty important isn’t it?”

Fili nodded. “Yeah, it is. This time I’m going to be the only artist featured.”

The massage quickly turned into a hug and then a kiss of congratulations. “That’s fucking amazing! I feel like we should throw a party or something.”

“Well, I invited Thorin and Bilbo over Sunday to see the painting and I’m pretty sure Bilbo will turn it into an event.”

Kili laughed. “Any excuse for a party is a good one for him. He’ll want to feed us, of course. I wonder what I can talk him into?”

Fili leaned over and kissed him on the end of his nose. “You and I both know you don’t give a rat’s ass what he cooks as long as the dessert is chocolate.”

“You know me too well,” Kili chuckled. “So how long will you be gone?”

“Well, it will take me some time to get the paintings done that I want to do, but the showing will take about two weeks what with setting it up and all.” He looked at Kili, his gaze softening and asked. “Would you care to join me for the show itself?”

“The show? What would I do besides get in the way?” Kili was stunned. It was something he’d never considered. The art world was so alien to him he had long divorced himself of the thought of ever being a part of it.

“Well, there will be a fancy reception and I’d love to show you off. There will also be a few dinner parties.” Fili’s voice had dropped almost to a whisper as he looked at the beautiful man he was engaged to.

Kili’s eyes widened. “I don’t know anything about fancy dinner parties. I don’t even know which fork to use.”

“I’ll teach you and you just watch me and do as I do. It’s not complicated. I promise I won’t let anyone embarrass you.”

The Irishman blew out a long breath. “Give me some time to think about it, yeah?”

“Yeah. You’ve got awhile, this is still in the planning stages. Don’t stress over it. If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. There will be others and if you never want to go to any of them I’m fine with that.” He leaned over and kissed Kili gently. “Honest, if you don’t feel like it, you hold down the fort here and we can have Skype sex.”

An eyebrow shot up. “That sounds kinky.”

“It had better be. Clean sex is boring,” Fili retorted with a wink. He picked up Kili’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “My arm feels tons better, now it’s your turn.”

Kili nodded and wheeled into the bedroom. Peeling off his shirt, he threw it in the corner. He’d deal with it tomorrow. He was tired enough to accept a little help getting onto the bed. Straightening out and stretching his shoulder made him groaned softly. As usual, he’d done too much. Carefully, Fili straightened his legs out and then took his shoes off and unfastened his pants. He pulled the jeans down along with his boxer-briefs and looked up to see Kili smiling at him.

“What?”

“We’re turning into a couple of old farts. Here I am with the most gorgeous man in the world pulling my pants down and the only place I want your hands is on my back.”

Fili laughed and shucked the pants the rest of the way off. They joined Kili’s T-shirt in the corner. He quickly stripped down to his briefs, tossing his clothes on top of Kili’s Leaning down, he planted a kiss right in the middle of Kili’s belly-button.

“If you think that way, I might just have to give you a blow job,” Fili teased, “and shake things up a little.”

Kili laughed and reached out to stroke Fili’s cheek. “If you shake me up, I will fall apart. If you want to come up here for something, though, I’d be more than happy to accommodate you.”

Fili kissed him again, this time on the tip of his penis. It didn’t even twitch.

The Irishman groaned and flung an arm dramatically across his forehead. “That’s it – Legolas has killed me. You’ll have to sue him for loss of companionship.”

“If this keeps up I might just do that,” Fili retorted. Now roll your top over and I’ll move your hips. Your masseuse is fading quickly.”

The massage was wonderful. Kili was asleep half way through it. Fili kept on going, gently kneading tight muscles until he felt them release. When he’d worked from Kili’s shoulders to his waist. He continued down, working the glutes to make sure they released as well. Just because Kili couldn’t control them didn’t mean they didn’t tense up. He finished by critically inspecting the beautiful arse for any pressure points. Relieved not to find any, he drew the covers up to Kili’s shoulders and climbed off to get comfortable himself. He knew that he could trust his partner to wake him when he needed to turn over.

Fili drifted off with a smile dreaming about Kili looking incredibly handsome in a tux. Never mind the paintings…all eyes would be on the true work of art in the room.

 

*** * * ***

 

Saturday morning was met with groans from both men. Kili shoveled through his bowl of cereal and headed for the door. He was off to swim and promised himself and Fili that he definitely was not going to try to kill himself today.

Fili sorted though photographs and made some preliminary sketches in preparation for his showing.

Kili did his level best not to think about it.

When he got home he found Fili waiting for him with camera bag packed. “How about lunch out? I want to shoot the Garden of Remembrance, if that’s okay with you.”

Kili laughed as he shut the door. “Well, hello to you too and what did the Garden ever do to you?”

“Arsehole, you know what I mean,” Fili retorted as he slide his sketchbook into his backpack. “But if it’s going to bring up too many bad feelings I can go next week while you’re at the gym.”

Kili thought about it for a moment and found he was surprisingly okay with the idea. The “Troubles” had caused pain for his family, but it wasn’t something that he thought about. He’d always felt that both sides were wrong, but he also appreciated the bravery of the men and women on both sides.

“Naw, it won’t bother me. I like the statue and the pool. I think I spent half my childhood reading Irish folk tales. What brought this urge to get out and harass a monument, anyway?”

Now that I’m done with Thorin’s project I can do some of the paintings I’ve been itching to do, although I can’t decide if I want to paint the Garden or shoot it.”

Kili had gone into the bedroom to change his shirt. He came out, still shrugging his way into a Dubliners tee. “Why don’t you do both?”

“Yeah, I could do that. I’m thinking I want to paint the statue of the “Children of Lir” and the mosaic in the reflecting pool, but I think maybe photos would work the best for the rose garden.”

The Irishman was quiet for a moment. “Yeah, I like the symbolism of the pool.” Then he smiled and the sun came out as he shrugged off the distant past.

He rolled over and Fili turned to find himself staring into puppy eyes. His lips quirked in a smile. “Okay, out with it.”

“Could I talk you into The Black Sheep for lunch, the food is brilliant and you haven’t been there yet?”

The food, as Kili promised, was brilliant. (You had to love a place that allowed you to “pimp your burger.”) and the Garden of Remembrance even more so. Fili took shot after shot and whipped out his sketchbook to block out the sculpture _Children of Lir._ It was based on an ancient Celtic tale, that Kili warned him not to read.

He’d said with a wink, “If you think the Brothers Grimm is bad, you don’t want to read Irish children’s stories. They’ll give you nightmares.”

Kili hadn’t been to the Garden in a long time and it was the reflecting pool that attracted him. He sat at the crux of the cross-shaped pool looking at the mosaic tiles at the bottom. The beautiful blue and green wave pattern was interrupted at each point in the cross by intricately rendered depictions of ancient weapons broken to signify the end of hostilities. When clans fought and reached a truce, swords and spears were broken to show that they would fight no more. If only peace between the North and South were so easy…

Having shot the statue from every possible angle, Fili turned to find Kili sitting quietly looking into the water. The symbolism of the broken weapons wasn’t lost on either of them. Too long had the Oakenshield family been at war with itself over something that no one could change.

He lifted his camera to take a photo of the Irishman, and then changed his mind. Pulling out his sketchpad and a slender piece of charcoal, he captured the mood of quiet contemplation. As he shaded in the wheelchair, it occurred to him that it was so much a part of Kili now that it was not noticeable unless something drew Fili’s attention to it. He’d rejoice if the Irishman could walk again, but the chair was just a fact of life like Kili’s dark hair and hazel eyes.  

 

 

He finished the sketch and waited until Kili looked up before walking down to him.

Kili smiled and held out his hand. “I don’t know if I should have come here. I thought it would give me hope, but it’s only made me sad.”

Fili leaned over and gave him a kiss. “We don’t have to stay if it bothers you, babe. I took most of my shots.

Kili shook his head. “I don’t want to let the sadness drive me away.”

Holding the Irishman’s hand, Fili sat on the edge of the pool and looked down at the mosaic, seeing Kili’s reflection shimmering above it. If only there was a way to break the weapons of prejudice and misunderstanding.

He reached down and stirred the water with his finger, watching the ripples spread. “It is beautiful here. Whoever designed it did a marvelous job. But I wish we didn’t need memorials like this.”

“Yeah, it would be aces, but we Irish just love a good war and then we have something to write sad, but inspiring songs about.” He looked up at Fili with a wry smile. “We’re a small country and we get bored easily.”

Fili laughed and leaned forward to gather Kili into his arms. “Promise me that if you get bored with me you won’t start a war.”

Kili threw back his head and laughed, eyes sparkling, curls dancing. “I could never start a war with you, but wouldn’t the makeup sex be amazing?”

Fili grinned. “I don’t think I could live through it.”

He kissed Kili again, brushing his lips with the tip of his tongue. “And if you don’t stop looking so delicious we are going to get banned from this lovely park for life.”

“That would be fun, but embarrassing.” Kili nodded his head toward an older gentleman who was peeking at them over the top of his newspaper with a grim expression. “I think we’re already annoying the locals.”

He grinned wickedly. “So let’s annoy them a bit more.”

He grabbed Fili and pulled him down into a deep kiss that lasted until, with a disgusted rustling of newspaper, their audience got up and stalked away.

“You,” said Fili when he could catch his breath, “are a right little shit.”

“And you love it…”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

 

* * *

 

Kili started supper while Fili uploaded his photos. They were having salad topped by hardboiled egg and Dubliner cheese. They had to behave themselves after the huge “pimped out” cheeseburgers that The Black Sheep had tempted them into buying. They both liked salad and Kili always seemed to enjoy chopping the vegetables. He adored capsicums and added them liberally. They gave Fili gas and not the polite kind, so the blond always had to excavate them before he ate.

Being Dublin, the evening favored them with a slow steady rain that blew against the east windows in Fili’s studio half of the living room. The Kiwi put on a couple of CDs and sat on the loveseat, looking at Kili with a smiling invitation.

The brunet rolled over and boosted himself onto the loveseat and leaned back into Fili’s arms. Fili leaned back and turned off the light. The only illumination was from the streetlight outside that cast shadows in the room and outlined the rain as it trickled down the windows.

They sat contentedly listening to the music. It wasn’t familiar to Kili. “What are we listening to?”

“Jean Michel Jarre. The album is called ‘Oxygene.’ It’s kind of different from folk, but I like it,” Fili replied, ruffling Kili’s hair.

“Mmm, it’s amazing. I wonder what kind of synthesizer he uses. Bet Ori would love a crack at it.”

Fili laughed. “I’ll bet he would. People who can play like that make me jealous.”

“And people who can paint like you do make the rest of us jealous,” Kili teased, learning back for a kiss.

It was a while before Fili could reply. “I guess we always want to do something we can’t and that’s probably not a bad thing.”

Kili heaved a sign and lid his fingers between Fili’s, resting the back of his head on the blond’s chest. “Did you get all the shots you needed today?”

“Yeah. That is a beautiful place, but it makes me sad. I’m not in a hurry to go back.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss into the dark curls just under his chin.

“Me either. I think I have too much history with what it stands for.” Kili signed and nuzzled closer. “It didn’t used to get to me, but now it does. It’s too close to home.”

Fili didn’t reply, he just wrapped both arms tighter and held Kili against if as if by doing so he could protect him from “the Troubles” and all the pain it had brought his family. Of course, with the family fear and hatred of homosexuality, “Troubles” or not, they would still be shattered.

They cuddled together in the dark, listening to the rain and watching the ghosts of raindrops slide down the window. With the world shut out, there was nothing but the two of them and their love.

After a time, hands began to explore and the kisses deepened. The CD ended, leaving only the sound of the rain and the rising cadence of their breathing.

“Bed?” Fili whispered at the end of a long slow kiss.

“Yeah.” Kili’s fingers were underneath Fili’s shirt, playing with his sensitive nipples. “That sounds brilliant.”

The blond shifted so that he could get his feet back under him. “Loo first?”

“After, I want you too much to wait.” Kili proved it by pulling Fili’s hand down to his erection.

Fili smiled against his Irishman’s lips and pressed his palm against the long swelling contained by the jeans. Kili’s breath caught and he momentarily forgot how to kiss. Fili found the tip, gave it a flick with his thumbnail and Kili also forgot how to breathe.

Kili was eager and wanted no toys, just questing hands and willing lips. He practically dragged Fili on top of him; something deep inside needing that feeling of protection as the blond fitted himself between Kili’s legs and rubbed their lengths together.

He’s wanted Fili in him at first, but quickly decided that it put the Kiwi too far away. Tonight he needed to be as close as possible. A thunderstorm was approaching, the rain was driving at the window, and he unabashedly put Fili between himself and the elements. Winding his arms around Fili, he held him close, burying his face in the older man’s neck and letting himself get lost in pleasure.

He loved it when Fili slid over him, putting his body between Kili and the world. He’d thought at first that he would feel pinned and defenseless, but he didn’t. The knowledge that Fili would never try to dominate him took the edge off, and the realization that being underneath gave him total control added to his comfort. He couldn’t move much and yet he was a power bottom. The thought was exhilarating.

Even more exciting was that Fili liked it as well. He wasn’t sure what to do that first night, but found Kili’s instructions, coupled with moans of approval, nearly sent him spinning over the edge. It was so different than what he was used to with Daniel. Being asked instead of told was irresistible to the older man. Even when asking turned to demanding, Kili’s voice still held the tone of a plea rather than an order. Neither of them analyzed it, they just knew that it worked…oh how it worked.

Thunder rolled across the sky, shaking the building, its deep notes echoing down Fili’s spine as he hunched upward, driving his cock along Fili’s. When the lightning followed he could see Kili’s passion as electric as the storm above. Dark eyes were open and unseeing as the Irishman chased his pleasure. He followed it into the clouds, where the brilliance of the lighting arced around him, taking him with it, shattering him and throwing him back down to earth.

Fili was with him, painting their bellies with jet after hot jet. He was still crying out as Kili looked up at him, eyes glued to his pleasure. Kili felt another pulse in his own cock at the sight. God he was beautiful; perfect lips and dimples, golden waves and that glorious Greek statue of a nose. He made Kili’s groin clench and his heart sing. He slid strong arms around Fili, pulling him even closer. He didn’t know how he could live without this glorious man in his life.

Afterward there was a naked trip to the loo, tooth brushing and a moment spent looking at himself in the mirror with Fili behind him, hands resting possessively on Kili’s shoulders.

Fili looked into the mirror into Kili’s eyes – sky into honey. He’d felt Kili’s need in bed and he felt it now. His hands moved in an unconscious caress, gently kneading tight muscles. He hadn’t known that he could love someone so much. Sometimes when he was holding the Irishman he could forget where he ended and Kili started.

It had happened so quickly and completely, spring melding into summer, turning into early autumn. Had it really been less than six months? Was he really engaged and taking ownership of a building in Dublin? It was so fast and yet everything about it seemed so right.

Kili reached up and laid his hand on top of Fili’s, the heavy brows lifting as he looked upward, needing to see Fili and not just his reflection. They looked at each other, no reflection this time…no illusions…just love.

 

* * * *

  

“No!!” Kili’s scream echoed through the bedroom, ripping Fili awake, sending him flailing in the dark, trying to find Kili.

Fili panicked for a long moment as he realized that Kili wasn’t lying next to him and he couldn’t find him. Finally, his arm hit Kili’s wrist and he realized that the Irishman was sitting bolt upright.

Scrambling desperately, Fili threw off the covers and twisted to a kneeling position. He grabbed Kili, pulling him tight and holding him as the brunet struggled to catch his breath.

“It’s okay,” Fili whispered. “Its just a thunderstorm.” Lightening punctuated his words and moments later a peal of thunder shook the building. Kili moaned and clawed at Fili, desperate to escape the nightmare. He was breathing like a steam engine, his heart pounding so hard that Fili could feel it under his hand.

He couldn’t reach the light to drive away the demons, so he just started talking, hoping that his voice would bring Kili back and anchor him safely.

“It’s just a storm, nothing bad, you’ve heard thousands of them. I’m here, the bad things are gone. I won’t let them get you. I promise I’ll never let anyone hurt you.” He pressed kisses to Kili’s face and finally felt a lessening of tension and a response as Kili returned a kiss.

“You’re safe,” Kili whispered. “You’re safe…”

Another kiss. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be? We’re here in our bed in our home.”

Kili shook his head, his breathing ragged again. “I saw you die.” He pressed closer. Fili ignored the dig of desperate fingers and held him as tightly as he dared.

Kili sucked in a deep breath. “The bomb went off and you were thrown so high. There were men shouting and people were running and screaming. I couldn’t get to you because my legs wouldn’t work. I saw you die alone without me.”

He broke into sobs that racked his frame, his fingers raising bruises as he tried to get even closer. “I saw…”

Fili twisted and straddled Kili, reaching past him for the lamp. He switched it on and light flooded the bedroom. “There are no bombs. You are home with me. You’re safe. I’m safe.”

He held Kili tightly, pulling him away from the nightmare and back to reality. “We’re never going there again,” he promised, his voice a strained whisper.

The thunder shook the building again and Kili whimpered, pressing closer. “It was so real.”

“I know, sweetheart, I know.” He kissed Kili’s cheek, nuzzling him, strong hands stroking the corded back that was knotted with tension. “I’ve had nightmares too.I know how real they seem, but it was just a dream. Don’t hold onto it. Be here, right now with me. Those days are past and neither one of us was ever a part of them. I’m safe and so are you.”

Heaving a sigh, Kili pulled away a little and looked up at Fili. “I can’t lose you.”

Dimples deepened in a golden smile. “And you never will. I can’t lose you, either. You’re everything I ever wanted. If there is an opposite of a nightmare, my life with you is it. I never knew I could be this happy. I’m not about to let anything happen to us. Not ever.”

“Not iver?” Kili repeated, mimicking the Kiwi pronunciation.

“Nivah, ivah!” Fili declared, deliberately thickening his accent.

That got a little chuckle out of Kili and he took a deep breath, desperately trying to banish the horror of the nightmare. Fili took the opportunity to slide off of him, grab a T-shirt from the floor and throw it over the light.

Slipping back into bed, he pulled Kili down and curled against him, putting the Irishman’s back to the light. “Just cuddle with me because I need hugs, too.” Fili’s voice was soft, but he felt his own chill. They were so fortunate to live in the present where their love was legal and hopefully, their marriage would soon be as well. He didn’t want to think about how it was when Thorin was young, or how he and Bilbo had dealt with the prejudice. Most of all, he didn’t want to think about what Dis had gone through.

Kili reached up and kissed him, pulling Fili’s thoughts back to the present and his very handsome fiancé. “I love you so much, Fili.”

Strong fingers wound through dark curls. “I love you too, Kili. You’re my life. I’m so happy sometimes I think this must be a dream. But it’s not a dream. This is all real,” Fili whispered, carding his fingers through Kili’s hair. I never thought I’d meet someone like you, let alone have him fall in love with me.”

Kili made a soft noise deep in his throat and snuggled closer. “And I thought no one would want me. I was so afraid of being alone for the rest of my life.”

The chuckle rumbled through Fili’s chest and he tightened his arms around his love. “Well, it’s a good thing we were both wrong.”

“Yeah. Yeah, it is.” His voice trailed off and he sighed deeply.

“What’s the matter, babe?” Fili pressed a kiss into his hair.

“When I close my eyes I see bad things,” came the tiny reply.

Fili rolled away. “Then turn over and look at me. I’m going to tell you my favorite bedtime story.”

Intrigued, Kili adjusted himself and looked into Fili’s eyes. He could see so much love mirrored there that it made his heart clench. Smiling, he asked, “So, what’s your favorite story?”

“I’m going to tell you how the kiwi lost his wings. Mum used to tell it to me pretty often, so I know it by heart.”

He slid his arm under Kili so that he had a pillow and the light was out of his eyes. After stealing one more kiss, he began…

_One day, Tanemahuta, God of the forest, was walking among his children, the trees, and he noticed that they were very ill. Something was eating at their very roots and they were dying._

_Tanemahuta called on his brother, Tanehokahoka, God of all the birds, and asked for his help to save his children, the trees. Tanehokahoka agreed that he would help and called all the birds of the air together._

_“Our friends the trees are sick and dying. Who will help Tanemahuta save them and come and live on the forest floor and save the trees and also our home?”_

_It was very quiet and no bird answered him._

_Tanehokahoka spoke to Tui, saying, “Tui, will you help and come and live on the forest floor?”_

_Tui looked up at the top of the trees and saw the warm sun filtering through the leaves and then looked down at the cold damp, dark earth and replied._

_“Kao, Tanehokahoka. I eat honey and there are no bees on the forest floor. It is cold and dark and I am afraid of the dark.”_

_Tanehokahoka asked Pukeko if would come down from the canopy to live on the forest floor._

_“Kao, Tanehokahoka,” said Pukeko. “The forest floor is very damp and I do not like to get my feet wet.”_

_Tanehokahoka turned to Pipiwharauroa asking that he come down to the forest floor. Pipiwharauroa looked heavenward and saw the blue sky and the sun and replied, “I am too busy building a nest for my family.”_

_And so it was with all the birds._

_Each one had an excuse for not coming to live on the forest floor._

_Finally Tanehokahoka turned to little Kiwi._

_Little Kiwi looked at the trees and thought. “They have given me shade when the sun was too hot. They have given me shelter when it rained. They have given me places to nest and raise my family. Yes, I will help the trees.”_

_Tanehokahoka warned Little Kiwi that he would dwell forever on the forest floor and that he must grow strong stout legs to rake the undergrowth and a long sturdy beak so that he could rummage under logs. He would lose his beautiful blue and green feathers and never see daylight again._

_Tanehokahoka asked Little Kiwi if he still wanted to do this. Little Kiwi looked at the magnificent green canopy of trees overhead and at the colorful feathers of his friends._

_“Yes, I will do this for my friends the trees,” said Little Kiwi. And with that he said a quiet goodbye to the blue sky and to his feathered friends._

_“Little Kiwi,” Tanehokahoka said proudly, “because of your great sacrifice in saving the forest, you will become the most well known and most loved bird of them all.”_

_Because he was strong and put the welfare of others before himself the peoples of Aotearoa revere him to this very day.”_

Fili smiled to himself. Kili’s eyes were closed and his chest rose and fell slowly in sleep. He was safe and slept peacefully in his lover’s arms.

“I will never leave you, my little kiwi, Fili whispered. “You will show them that you are the most beautiful of all and the bravest man I ever met.”

He fell asleep looking at Kili’s face, thinking that he must have done something very right to have the Irishman in his life.

 

 

 


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The nightmare has given way to reality and waking to smiles and kisses is the perfect way to banish the darkness of the night. Love is easy when you have a partner who cares so deeply about you. Family is harder, but these things eventually work out, because they love you too.

Kili was a little groggy when he woke and he immediately reached for Fili as memories of the nightmare surfaced. But they were far away now and no longer frightened him. He nuzzled against Fili’s ear, waking him enough so that he slid an arm under Kili’s neck, using Fili’s shoulder as a pillow.

It was pleasant in his embrace. Safe and warm with the real world far away, Kili lay analyzing his nightmare. He rarely had them now and the focus had shifted from not being able to walk, to losing Fili. He could still feel a little pang when he thought about the dream, but he couldn’t remember the details now. Only the feeling of having Fili taken away from him remained. He snuggled closer, burrowing into the comfort of Fili’s body.

He wanted to get married, even though he knew it wasn’t a guarantee that they would remain together. But something in him wanted that extra feeling of security. Maybe it was time to bring it up again. With Bilbo in the mix, it wasn’t as if it could happen instantly. Kili smiled at the thought of his uncle happily driving them all half crazy with all the plans and preparations. Thorin would probably move out for the duration. Bilbo would definitely need months to make arrangements.

Smiling at the thought of Bilbo rushing about making phone calls, and lists, and more lists made Kili laugh, waking his fiancé.

“Mmm, what’s so funny?” the blond asked sleepily, rolling his head so that he could nuzzle a kiss into Kili’s hair. “It sounds like you are feeling better.”

Kili was suddenly shy, his voice muffled by Fili’s shoulder. “Yeah, I am. I was just thinking about our wedding and how Bilbo would fuss over every little thing.”

Fili turned so that he could look into those beautiful golden-hazel eyes. “So, you’ve been thinking about our wedding, have you?”

Kili nodded and then shrugged. “Yeah, kinda.”

The arms tightened around him as Fili leaned in for a kiss. “Have I told you lately how much I love you?”

Kili giggled. “Nope.”

“A bazillion to the tenth power,” Fili whispered, nibbling on a tempting ear. “And I love that you are thinking about our wedding.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. I think about it sometimes, too. I’m sorry I sometimes go all “Kiwi” on you and don’t always show what I’m feeling.” Fili heaved a sigh. “I need to work on that.”

He brushed a strand of hair out of Kili’s eye and smiled. “We have some loose ends to tie up first, though. Ever wish it was just us and that we didn’t have family to deal with?”

“All the bloody time,” Kili replied, his brows pulled down thunderously and then relaxed as he added. “Well, except for Thorin and Bilbo and Dwalin.”

He paused and turned to look up at Fili. “I shouldn’t complain, should I?”

Fili kissed the tip of his nose. “I may have more relatives, but I think your mum trumps my problems. Mine only had a minor meltdown compared to hers and my mum and Dad seem to be coming around.”

Kili’s brow arched, “Have you talked to them lately?”

Fili shook his head. “No, and I need to do that.”

The brunet rose up and propped himself on his elbow. “What time is it there?”

“Now?” Fili was surprised by the question.

“No, tomorrow, you silly git,” Kili laughed. “Of course, now.”

Fili leaned over him to see the clock. “It’s a quarter after nine at night. You’re not suggesting I call them now, are you?”

“Sure, why not? I need to meet them at some point.” He suddenly looked worried and it tugged Fili’s heart. “You do want me to meet them, don’t you?”

“Jesus, what a thing to ask? Of course I do.” Fili wrapped his arms around the brunet and pulled him down. “Talk about being an idjit.”

“That’s eejit with the long ‘ee’,”Kili corrected. “Gotta get that ‘ee’ thing going if you want to Irish.”

“Sorry, if I’m mispronouncing your slang.” Fili grinned, shamelessly flaunting his dimples. “You can _póg mo thóin.”_

“But what if I _want_ to kiss your ass? How about if you _gabh suas ort féin_? And by the way, your Irish accent sucks.”

Fili threw back his head and laughed. “It’s not my fault if your language is impossible to pronounce. What the fuck to do have against pronouncing words like they’re spelled? And, no, I don’t want to go fuck myself…but I do want to fuck you. My parents can wait.”

He started to pull Kili toward him, but the brunet slipped out of his arms and sat up. “Nope. I gotta pee and you don’t get me until you call them.”

“That’s blackmail,” Fili warned, trying to keep from smiling.

“The blackest,” Kili agreed cheerfully. “Do they Skype? How about FaceTime? I want to check out your genetics. You know, for the sake of our children.”

Fili looked at him, brows pulling down into a pained expression. “If either of us gets pregnant it will be as big a miracle as the Second Coming and you are a _heahea kaumātua_.”

“Hey, not fair!” Kili protested. “What’d you call me?”

“Not telling,” Fili teased. “Maori is my secret weapon.”

Kili pouted, his lower lip sticking out as he flopped back on the bed.

Fili sat up and straddled him, and grinned. “ _Kino kē koe!”_

Kili’s lip came out even further and Fili leaned forward to plant a kiss on it. “And that is the just about the extent of my Maori unless you want to hear the bad words.”

“What did you call me?” Kili asked, pretending to be mad.

“I called you a ‘silly man’ and said that you’re awesome.”

Kili reached up grabbing a mustache braid in each hand. “You’re the awesome silly man.” He pulled Fili down into a long slow kiss that soon involved licking and nibbling.

“None of that until you call home,” Kili laughed, pushing Fili away.

It was Fili’s turn to pout. “You started it, but go to the loo and I’ll dial home and we will see what happens.”

“Deal; now shag your gorgeous arse out of here.” Kili was already reaching for the edge of the bed to help lever himself up.

Taking the hint, Fili rolled off and headed to the loo himself. He headed into the kitchen, put the coffee to brewing and then picked up his phone.

He looked at it for a long moment before pulling up his contacts. He didn’t want to do this. Well, he did…sort of. He heard the flush of the toilet and pressed the call button. It was ringing when Kili came around the corner.

Kili gave him a thumbs up and wheeled over to grab mugs out of the cupboard and sat next to the coffee pot waiting for the brewing to stop. He was trying not to listen in, but he couldn’t help himself. He was nervous and excited. Okay, so he practically had his hand in the middle of Fili’s back to get him to make the call, but the expression on his fiancé’s face showed that he wasn’t unhappy. When it came to family, they were all a bundle of nerves lately.

The phone only rang a few times before his mother picked it up. “Hi, Mum,” Fili said quickly. He hoped he didn’t sound as nervous as he felt. “I just wanted to call and say hi and tell you that I love you.”

There was silence for a moment on the other end that made his heart nearly stop beating.

“What an unexpected surprise!” There was a pause. “Dean, it’s our Philip.”

He couldn’t help but grin. He was “their Philip” again. Kili saw him smile and brought him over a cup of coffee already doctored with cream and sugar. He sat next to Fili, who had sunk down onto a kitchen chair.

“We called and left a message, but you never called back,” she said, a hint of reproach in her tone.

“I never got your message, Mum.”

“I was sure I called the right number.” He could hear his father in the background followed by laughter. “Oh well, I wonder who got the message? I should have known you’d call back. Speaking of which, why haven’t you called?”

Fili wiggled uncomfortably. “I don’t know. I’m sorry. I promised to call and then I didn’t.”

His mother’s voice dropped low and she replied, “I know why you didn’t call and I’m so sorry our stupidity and prejudice nearly drove you away.”

“I’m sorry too, son.” That was his father’s voice and Fili nearly dropped the phone. “What can I say to convince you to come back home?”

Kili was looking at him anxiously and he flipped the phone to speaker and took it away from his ear.

“I...I can’t come home, Dad. I live here now and, well…I’m going to get married.”

“You’re what?”

Kili reached out and took Fili’s hand, squeezing it tightly, grounding him.

“I’m going to get married. We haven’t set a date because it’s not legal here yet, but we’re working on that.” He took a deep breath and added. “I’m happy and he’s a wonderful man.”

He could hear his father say something he couldn’t make out. His mother came back on the phone. “Your father said you have something to tell me. What is it?”

“I’m engaged, mum. I kind of called to tell you that and to say I’m very happy.” Fili could hear his voice shaking and Kili squeezed his hand even tighter.

“Oh my god! Are you really engaged? Who is this boy, I’m assuming it’s a boy.” His mother sounded as flustered as he felt.

“Yes, he’s a boy…I mean man. He’s a man. His name is Kili, well it’s Killian, Killian Oakenshield. I think you’ll like him,” he finished lamely.

“If you love him, I’m sure I will – I’m sure we both will.” Her voice was clear again and as strong as he remembered it.

“Do you have Skype, or FaceTime?” Fili asked.

“I don’t know, let me ask your dad.” He could hear the muffled conversation in the background and then his father took the phone again.

“Your brother said he put Skype on the computer but I’ve never used it. Can you talk me through it?” His dad sounded a little nervous. Maybe that was a good thing.

“Sure Dad, I can tell you how to work it. It’s really easy. Start your computer and…” He broke off as he heard his mother yelling from the other room. His father covered the receiver and they could both hear him trying to tell her how to turn the computer on.

When his dad came back he was laughing. “I’ve had that bloody computer for years and she never wanted to touch it. You call and nek minnit. Hang on while I get this sorted and tell her she can’t learn the damn thing instantly.”

“Grace, I’m coming!” he shouted into the phone, making both men jump and then burst out laughing.

The next few minutes were filled with instructions and frustration and promises from Fili’s mother that she would go and take a computer class they offered at the community center and to stop bothering his father about going too slow.

Finally it was set up and Fili sat there grinning as his father’s face filled the screen. Kili leaned in and saw a handsome man with Fili’s profile and crystal blue eyes frowning at the screen as he made some sort of adjustment. Fili’s mum was peering over his shoulder. Her eyes were a darker blue and Kili immediately saw where he got his wavy hair and dimples. They were a handsome couple.

“Can you see me, Dad?” Fili asked, leaning toward the screen.

“I can see you still have those stupid beads hanging off your face. Back up so I can see more than your nose.” The comment was rude, but Fili could see that his father was laughing.

“That’s better. You need a haircut, son, and a shave. When did you decide to start growing a beard?”

His father was shoved to one side. “Don’t listen to him, Philip. I think you look very handsome. Caroline will be so happy to find out you still have the braids and beads. I think the gold beads look better than the pink ones she used, though.”

Kili giggled and suddenly Fili’s appearance was forgotten. “Who was that? Was that your fiancé?”

“Yeah, that was Kili,” he admitted, waving to try to hush the brunet, who was trying to see the screen without being seen.

“Well, put him on, boy, don’t keep us waiting,” his dad called out.

Fili turned to him. “You heard the man; time to step up and say hello.”

Suddenly shy when the laptop was turned his way, Kili smiled and waved. “Hello.”

There was silence for a moment that Fili’s mother broke suddenly with, “Oh, he’s pretty!”

Kili blushed and started to laugh, Fili joining him along with the folks. Fili’s dad laughed so hard he had to stop and cough. “Well, he is,” Grace said defensively.

“Yeah, I think so,” Fili replied. “I have to admit the curls and brown eyes are what caught my attention.”

“Well, you’d be blind if they didn’t.” She laughed and Kili thought she must have been stunningly beautiful when she was young. “Don’t worry, Killian, we’re far enough away not to be dangerous.”

Her brows knitted and she was suddenly serious. “I suppose Philip has told you all about the hard time we gave him about coming out and moving in with Daniel. We’re not proud of having acted like that. For some reason it seemed like the end of the world at the time. We always thought that he’d come to his senses, but when he moved to London, we realized he wasn’t the problem.”

“It’s okay, Mum, it’s the past,” Fili said quickly, eager not to have the conversation head toward unpleasantness.

“It’s not okay,” she countered. “We have a lot to make up for, don’t we, Dean?” She turned and looked at her husband who remained off screen.

He coughed and then ducked back into camera range. “Yeah. Listen to your mum, as usual she’s right.” He smiled, but it looked a little strained. “I worry too much about what other people think, when the only thing that’s really important is my family.”

Fili took the laptop back and looked into his father’s eyes. His were beginning to mist and he blinked hard. “It takes a big man to say that, Dad.” Fili’s voice was soft and there was a definite quiver to it. “You always were my role model. You still are.”

Now there was mistiness on both sides of the screen. “I hope you come home soon, son, you two can get married over here.”

Fili took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I don’t think that would work.”

His dad, pretended to scratch his nose, but one finger shot up to nick the tear that had escaped the corner of his eye. “Why not?  


“Uh, mostly because Kili’s uncle is Bilbo Baggins the chef and he’d have a stroke,” Fili replied, trying to figure out a way to phrase it.

His mother made an instant reappearance. “ _The_ Bilbo Baggins? I have all his cookbooks! His recipes actually work.”

Fili laughed and nodded toward Kili, “Yeah, that Bilbo Baggins. If he doesn’t get a chance to run the show I don’t know what he’ll do.”

“I don’t even want to think of it,” Kili volunteered. “Uncle Thorin will have to move out if we deny Bilbo the dubious privilege of playing the wedding planner, chef, head usher and whatever else they have at weddings. Hell, I think he’d be the best man and bridesmaid if he thought he could pull it off.”

Fili’s eyes widened as he had visions of their wedding being straight out of the movie _The Bird Cage_ complete with screaming hysterics.

“Oh my, is he really that bad?” Fili’s mother looked taken aback by the idea.

Kili laughed and shook his head. “No, but it would really hurt his feelings. He and Uncle Thorin helped raise me and I’m kind of like the son they never had. We’re pretty close.”

“Are they…are they gay?” Fili’s mother asked hesitantly.

“Yes,” he replied with a smile, “and the best role models a confused teenager ever had. If you think coming out in New Zealand is hard, you should try it in Catholic Ireland.”

His eyes darkened and his smile lost its warmth, cueing Fili’s mum that something was wrong. “Is your family having a problem with it, your mum and dad, I mean?” she asked quietly.

Kili remained silent, the knot in his throat feeling like a soccer ball.

Fili nodded. “There’s only his mum. They aren’t speaking at the moment.”

Both of Fili’s parents looked sad. His mum spoke up first. “Do you think there is anything I could do? I mean talking to her as one mum to another?”

Kili shrugged, suddenly looking very young and vulnerable. Grace looked like she wanted to reach through the screen and give him a hug.

“I don’t know…maybe. I’ll ask Father Grey,” Kili replied quietly.

“He’s a family friend who’s trying to help sort this,” Fili explained quickly.

“I’m glad you have someone. You give him our phone number and tell him to call any time.”

Fili’s dad nodded in agreement and then asked Kili, “So what do you do for a living?”

Fili groaned at the cliché, but Kili just found his smile again and replied. “Mostly I’m training for wheelchair racing, but while I get that sorted we’re going to open a branch of my uncle’s security business here and I’ll be running it.”

He popped a wheelie in celebration and missed the look that shot between Fili’s parents.

“Wheelchair racing?” Grace asked hesitantly.

“I’m hoping to make the Paralympics next year. It’s kinda soon, but I’m working hard.” He made a silly face and flexed his bicep at the screen.

Fili’s parents couldn’t help but laugh. Kili had the kind of smile that was infectious and his mobile features had a tendency to take him into the realm of adorable. The fact that he didn’t realize he was doing it made him just that much more appealing.

Dean cleared his throat before speaking. “May I ask what happened?”

Kili shrugged and his smile fled as his eyes darkened. “Drunk driver, kind of a cliché really. It’s why we’ve tightened the laws on drink driving. I was one of the lucky ones, at least I’m still alive.”

 

 

* * *

 

The rest of the phone call went well, with both sides sharing embarrassing stories in the Skype version of getting out the photo album. In spite of their initial concern that Kili was in a wheelchair, Fili’s parents seemed fascinated by the idea that they would have a son-in-law trying to make the Paralympics. With both parents being All Black supporters, it was easy to direct them over to the Wheel Blacks and New Zealand gained two more wheelchair rugby fans.

When they closed Skype, Kili was grinning and Fili had a bemused smile on his face. “That went better than I expected.”

The brunet leaned in to give him a kiss. “Face it, they couldn’t bear to lose someone as awesome as you are.”

Fili laughed and kissed him back. “I’ll give you forever to stop talking like that.”

Kili leaned in and licked slowly across Fili’s lips and into his mouth. Both of them forgot about talking because they had no breath to spare.

Fili made it to the bedroom first and threw back the blankets. He lowered the bed and then sprinted past Kili to the loo. He was almost paranoid about being clean even though he preferred his partner to be hot and sweaty from a workout. As kinks go, it wasn’t a major one but oh how he loved to bury his face into Kili’s wild bush of pubic hair and inhale the intoxicating scent of sweat and male pheromones.

Both of them had found it mildly embarrassing at first, but Kili had been forced to bow to the obvious effect his scent had on Fili. The Kiwi could go from zero to sixty just by bending down for a nuzzle. So they had compromised, the same as they had when they’d realized that Kili liked a tiny bit of pain once he was turned on. His wiring was different than it had been and a little roughness below his waist was now translated as pleasure.  

Once Fili had been sure about how to approach the situation, he’d taken delight in seeing what Kili’s limits were and how to tweak his technique to bring the Irishman to the edge and hold him there. If his teeth pinched or his nails dug, there were licks and kisses to sooth the flesh that pushed the heat even higher. They were learning each other’s bodies and thoroughly enjoying the homework.

Kili stripped off his shirt and boosted himself onto the bed. He threw his legs onto the sheet one at a time, balancing so that he could see Fili watching him from the door. Before he met Fili he’d felt completely undesirable and couldn’t imagine anyone finding his body attractive, not when he had to almost literally throw himself on the bed and then wrestle out of his shoes and jeans. The look on the blonde’s face said that he didn’t have any problem with it at all.    

When the Irishman was situated, Fili walked over and smiled down at him, braids swaying and those dimples making Kili’s heart skip a beat. “Need some help there, handsome?”

Kili smiled back. His whiskey-gold eyes were starting to darken with desire. “Well, if you don’t mind, I could use a little help. If it’s not too much trouble.”

“I think I can spare the time,” Fili replied, his voice dropping to a low purr.

He reached out and slowly unlaced one of Kili’s hightops. He slid it off and then reached for the other one. The socks were next, falling to the floor one by one. The jeans were more difficult, but also more deliciously erotic. Kili had stopped unfastening them long ago when he’d realized it was Fili’s delight to slowly unbutton, unzip and then slowly pull them down. Even if sex wasn’t on the menu for that night it was one of those little things they both enjoyed and damned if Kili was going to deny him, or himself the pleasure.

Rather than lean over the bed, Fili climbed astride Kili’s thighs and ran his hands upward, keeping to the areas where Kili had sensation. By the time he unbuttoned the jeans Kili was achingly hard, his length pressing against the constraints of the denim. He moaned softly as Fili’s thumb first slid along his erection and then paused at the tip to draw tiny circles.

The Kiwi took hold of the jeans and slid them down, lifting first one hip and then the other as he pulled. Kili’s hardon was pressing upward, lifting the waistband of his boxer-briefs away from his belly. Fili thought it was the most erotic thing he’d ever seen. He had no idea why Kili hot and hard in his briefs with his jeans halfway off was so stimulating, but he didn’t care to analyze it. He moved sideways and slid the pants the rest of the way down. They joined the shoes and socks in the pile on the floor.

Kili lay there looking at the beautiful man who had once again climbed astride his legs. He reached down and grabbed the bottom of Fili’s T-shirt, pulling it over his head and throwing it across the room in one motion. The mat of tightly curled golden hair and shell-pink nipples never stopped being one of his biggest turn-ons. Reaching out, he raked gentle fingers though the crisp curls, stopping to lightly pinch and tease Fili’s hard nipples. When he lightly scraped his thumbnail over the tips, Fili shuddered with pleasure, moving his hips as he rubbed himself against Kili’s thigh.

Knowing what was to come next, Kili took a deep breath and waited.

Fili bent forward, placing his hands on either side of the Kili’s chest to brace himself and leaned in for a kiss that Kili rose to meet half way. The Irishman reached up and slid his finger into Fili’s mouth, his breath quickening as Fili’s tongue encircled it and teased. He let the blond suck for a moment and then pulled it out slowly, leaning up to replace it with his tongue.

He loved licking into Fili’s mouth, teasing with his tongue, feeling the slick heat that promised and gave so much pleasure to him. Fili groaned and keepened the kiss, pushing Kili’s tongue aside to claim the Irishman’s mouth and lick until his breath was coming in little sobs. Kili tangled the fingers of one hand in Fili’s curls, the other sliding down the lean strong back, fingernails scraping gently as he did. He sucked in Kili’s lower lip, tickling it with the tip of his tongue before plunging deeper into the brunette’s mouth as if his life depended on the depth of his kiss.

Kili’s breath was coming in short gasps as Fili worked his way down, licking and sucking, leaving tiny bruises that stung for a moment before being soothed by Fili’s tongue. In comparison to Fili, the Irishman’s chest hair was long and straight, thick at the center over his heart; to keep it warm, Fili had teased. It was coarse, but the length softened it and Fili never tired of nuzzling through it to capture coppery-pink nipples that hardened under his tongue. Kili’s nipples weren’t as sensitive as his own, but he responded to gentle bites that compressed the areola.

Fili worked his way down following Kili’s dark soft treasure trail. It was impossible not to notice the muscle definition and how the Irishman’s abs were now slowly forming a six-pack. It was sexy because it showed how hard Kili was working. He was becoming the man of his own dreams and Fili was aware of just how important that was. It was also sexy as fuck.

As he descended below Kili’s navel Fili’s nips became sharper, he drew more flesh up between his teeth so that bites didn’t bruise the tender skin, but put enough pressure to force sluggish nerves to react. By now he knew where the numb areas were and avoided them, concentrating on teasing sensitive flesh. And oh how sensitive it was.

Fili gently scraped a trail up the inside of Kili’s right thigh with his fingernails. He lightened the pressure and cupped the wrinkled sack that lay there, playing with the delicate organs within. He exerted just the right amount of pressure to elicit a groan from his partner. Smiling he bent over and went to work in earnest.

He loved Kili’s scent, rich with pheromones and the top notes that were distinctly Kili. He also loved the soft crispness of his pubic hair. Fili would never have been able to put into words why the beautiful Irishman turned him on so much. He didn’t question it because it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he was loved and desired in return.

He started to suck Kili, but a tug on his hair stopped him. Fili looked up questioningly.

“Do you get to have all the fun, or are you planning to share at some point?” Kili asked with a wicked twinkle in his eye.

“Far be it from me not to bend to your command,” Fili teased, shifting his body around so that Kili could reach him. He gasped as long slender fingers encompassed his length and stroked slowly, ending by sliding his foreskin over the sensitive head in a move Kili knew was nearly tormenting.

With Kili unable to move his lower half they had to get more creative. It had embarrassed Kili at first, but since Fili seemed to think that it added rather than detracted, he stopped worrying about it. Kili had always taken sex rather seriously, but Fili had brought out the fun in it and he found himself enjoying the tease of the foreplay rather than focusing on his own orgasm.

He’d also developed a fondness for what bore the silly name of frottage. Having Fili lying astride him, matching his cock to Kili’s, slick fingers encompassing them both while he thrust nearly drove Kili out of his mind. It brought them closer both physically and mentally. It was easier to kiss and whisper and feel a part of his lover’s pleasure. That it also helped with the insensitivity on the left side of his cock figured in, of course, but he rarely thought about it any more. He was more focused on Fili and giving pleasure.

While he’d been healing, Kili had also matured. Others noticed what he did not, and that was the rather selfish good-time boy was now focused on being a responsible partner. He was getting his old love of competition back and channeling it in a more focused way. He still wanted to be the best and the fastest, but it wasn’t only for himself any more. He looked down at the gorgeous man that he loved so much and smiled.

“Why don’t you bring your beautiful self up here, so I can kiss those perfect lips?”

Hearing Kili talk like that always made Fili blush a little. He had to admit that he never wanted to get totally used to it. It was nice to be admired by the man he was in love with. He released Kili’s cock, planted a tiny kiss on the tip and carefully turned around and positioned himself. He slotted himself between Kili’s legs then reached down and bent the right one up so that they made better contact.

When he was within kissing distance Kili reached up, slid his hand behind Fili’s head and pulled him down into a long slow languid kiss. Kili’s tongue flicked out and licked across Fili’s lips, tracing the cupid’s bow, before slipping downward and inside. He was an active kisser, more so than his partner, and loved to lick and suck until neither of them had any breath left.

When he could hold still no longer, Fili began to move, sliding his cock back and forth against Kili’s. The first thrust sent a shiver up Kili’s spine and his abdominal muscles rippled with pleasure. It was an amazing feeling to be this close, chest-to-chest, hips resting together and legs intertwined. Kili wound both arms around Fili’s back and dragged his fingernails down the blond’s spine. Fili arched upward into it, his passion turning the scratch erotic like a match being dragged across a matchbook. “More,” he whispered, his voice raspy with desire.

Not willing to mark his partner, Kili teased him again, refusing to do anything they would both regret later. He kept his scratches light, but leaned forward and sucked on the side of Fili’s neck until they were both moaning. Soothing the mark with his tongue, Kili fell back and concentrated on just feeling.

Fili leaned down and buried his head in the crook of Kili’s neck. His lips found the Irishman’s pulse and pressed against it, sucking a small love bite into the tender flesh, marking Kili as his. He thrust hard, grinding his hips down and forward, squeezing with a slick hand to press their lengths together. He was thicker, Kili was longer, and they fit together like pieces of a puzzle.

When the pieces snapped into place, Kili threw back his head, eyes dark and mouth wide with the surprise of an orgasm that seemed to come up from his toes rushing through his body and making him shout Fili’s name.

That spurred Fili, who curled inward as the shudders ripped through his body. He spasmed, once, twice, three times moaning as his seed joined Kili’s, binding them together in pleasure.

When they could draw a breath, they kissed again slowly, enjoying the sensation and the closeness. Nuzzling was nice. Fili took his weight on his forearms and continued the kiss. He truly enjoyed sex with Kili, it was good in so many ways. Some people might call them vanilla, but they agreed that slow loving sex was the best with the occasional spice of ‘how fast can we get into bed’ added for flavor. It just didn’t get better than this.

Finally Kili heaved a sigh. “As much as I hate to tell you to get off of me, aren’t Thorin and Bilbo supposed to be here pretty soon?”

Fili looked at the clock. “We still have ninety minutes.” He claimed another kiss.

“Yeah, great, but I’m pretty sure I stink and I know you do.” He giggled at Fili’s fierce expression. “Besides you don’t want your future in-laws to arrive and find us smelling like an orgy do you?”

“I’d actually prefer that my future in-laws didn’t come over and smell me at all, but I suppose you’re right.” He rolled off and used his T-shirt to wipe their chests off and then threw it on to of his briefs on the floor.

Kili made a face. “What? They’re going in the washing,” Fili said as he grabbed the dirty clothes and headed for the bathroom. He dumped them in the hamper and returned with Kili’s shower chair. “Hop in while I run the shower and warm it up.”

“Get it nice and hot,” Kili called after him.

Fili’s head popped around the corner. “No matter how hot I make it, it will never be as hot as you are.” He ducked around the corner in time to miss the pillow that sailed his way.

Smiling, Kili slid out of bed and positioned himself in the chair. Life didn’t get any better than this. It just didn’t.

 


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein the men finally have that talk that's been too long coming.

 

The weeks passed swiftly for them both. There was so much to do. Thorin loved the painting, something Fili had worried over and Kili never doubted, but it had to be framed and that meant transported to and then from a framer. Then it had to be hung to suit both Thorin and Fili. This was a process the Irishman didn’t want to be a part of. Kili opted for the gym, certain that Fili would worry enough for both of them. And he did.

Kili survived a week in bed to clear up a tiny pressure spot on his arse. Fili nearly did not survive it and took to making day trips to photograph the beauty of Dublin County, leaving Ori and Dwalin to cope with a very unhappy and demanding Irishman.

They managed by being both sympathetic and telling him to shut the fuck up, depending on who was keeping him company at the time. Ori was all worry, and tea, and biscuits while Dwalin, knowing that spots could lead to ulcers and ulcers could kill, reminded Kili of that fact whenever the complaining about being bored got too loud.

It helped that the big Scot borrowed a lifting device from a source he refused to reveal. It was designed to move large patients from their bed into a wheelchair and Dwalin proved that he was no slouch at doubling as MacGyver and rigged up a system so that Kili could do pull-ups. Bofur stopped by with an elastic band and some hand weights and showed the Irishman how to use the equipment without putting pressure on the inflamed area.

                                                    

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph you’ve got a telly as big as a movie screen, a bed you can ride like an amusement park, your own gym, and a fuck-ton of books to read,” Dwalin told him, going into full Glaswegian mode. “Now shut the hell up!”

“If you get me up for a while, you and Ori can shag in it. Make it go up and down while you…” His voice trailed off when Dwalin got nose to nose with him.

“If ya don’t stop yer haverin’, I’ll give ya a Glasgow kiss. That’ll keep ya out of what little hair I have left.”

Having no wish to be head-butted into a coma, Kili wisely chose to pick up the remote to the telly and stop complaining…at least until Ori showed up.

It was on the fifth day that Fili had had enough.

Kili was yelling for him to bring in a Coke. He was thirsty, he was hungry, he was bored, he was being a colossal pain in the arse and it was time it stopped.

Fili rounded the corner to the bedroom with a glass of water in his hand.

“I asked for Coke.” Kili’s tone was petulant, something that Fili had never heard from him before this pressure spot crisis.

“You’re laying in bed and your kidneys don’t need to work harder because you fill yourself full of caffeine and sugar,” Fili rejoined, sounding nearly as snappish as he felt.

“But I don’t want water.” The statement was bitter and the tang of it went with the irritated look on Kili’s face.

Fili set the glass on the nightstand within easy reach and sat on the edge of the bed. He looked at the Irishman; into the whiskey gold eyes he loved so much. “We can’t keep this up, Kili. You’re acting like a spoiled child. You’re in training hoping for a shot at the Olympics and you treat this setback as if we are all personally responsible.”

“Am not.” Kili glared up at him, and had no idea how much he sounded like a child.

The blond heaved a sigh. “I’m trying to be the adult here and I find I don’t much like the role. You are either an athlete with an injury that has to be treated, or you are a spoiled child playing at being an athlete. If you act like this for a spot, how will you behave if something serious happens? What will you do if you have a wreck, or pull a muscle, or tear a ligament?”

Kili dropped his gaze and Fili could see that his hands were clenched into fists under the sheet.

“Kili, what is it?” Fili asked gently.

The brunet twisted his head away sharply. “Just leave me alone. I’ll stop bitching, but please leave me alone.”

Fili reached under the sheet and took Kili’s hand. He squeezed once gently, but the responding squeeze nearly broke his hand.

Sliding into the bed, Fili gathered him into his arms and pulled Kili tightly against his chest. The Irishman burrowed his face into the hollow at Fili’s throat and held on as if his very life depended upon it.

“It’s okay,” Fili whispered.

There was a long silence and then a reply so soft Fili could barely hear it.

“But what if it isn’t?”

“It’s just a little pressure spot and we caught it early.” Fili told him gently. “I can’t even see it anymore. You only have to stay in bed a few more days to make sure it’s healed.”

“But what if it comes back. What if you’re not here to catch it?” Fili could hear the worry in Kili’s voice.

“You were checking your arse yourself with a mirror before you met me, remember?”

“And I was terrified I’d miss a spot.”

“There won’t be a spot to miss if you follow Bofur’s instructions and shift your weight more often.” Fili countered. “Now what is this really about?”

“It’s what killed Superman.”

The non sequitur hung in the air between them.

What do you mean, 'it' killed Superman?" Fili was completely confused.  
  
"Chris Reeve died because of an ulcer. It started as a red spot that no one caught in time and by the time they did it was too late." He tried to keep the fear out of his voice, but the quaver when he spoke nearly broke Fili's heart.

"Babe, listen, Chris was completely paralyzed. You're not, and you have me and Dwalin to make sure that doesn't happen." Fili stroked his back and shoulders. "No ulcer is going to happen on our watch."   
  
Kili let out a shaky breath. "I'm being a baby about this."  
  
"No, you're not. A pressure sore is fucking serious." There was an edge to Fili's voice, but his anger wasn't directed at Kili. He pressed his lips into Kili’s hair and held him tightly. "I'm a complete arse. I’ve been thinking about it as being a minor annoyance and completely ignored the fact that it could kill you.”

Kili started to protest, but Fili cut him off. “I know about ulcers. I’ve seen the pictures. I didn’t go into this relationship blindly. I wanted to know what I was getting into and I decided I could handle it and then the first hitch sends me out of the house to get away from you.”

His voice had gone ragged. “Kili, I don’t _ever_ want to get away from you. I promised you that I’d be here and I let you down.”

The Irishman pulled away and cupped Fili’s face in his hands. “Don’t say that. Don’t _ever_ say that! We promised that we’d be honest with each other. I should have told you how scared I was instead of turning into a whiny bitch. All I could think of was what if it got worse, what if you couldn’t deal with it, and you left.”

“Jesus Christ on a crutch!” Fili was appalled that thought had even occurred to Kili. “How could I do that? I love you more than life. I can’t live without you…I can’t.” This time it was Fili, whose voice was quavering.

“I’m so sorry I said anything.” Kili was shaking, his fingers digging into Fili’s shoulders.

“No, you should have said something long before this,” Fili countered. “We should have talked about this. I worry that you will leave me, too. I’m just a wimpy artist and you’re an athlete. You’ll have your pick of strong gorgeous partners.”

Kili tensed and leaned back so that he could see Fili’s face. “And I would trade you in just like that. You can really see me walking away from the most gorgeous, sweetest, funniest man I’ve ever met? Like I’d give up the bluest eyes, a hot set of dimples, and the most kissable lips I’ve ever seen.”

He leaned in and proved the last statement with a lick that turned into a kiss that turned back to serious. “Besides, what guarantee to I have that you won’t fall for some artsy fartsy type who can walk and take you dancing?”

Fili refused to get serious again. He’d had enough of it to last forever. “You can take me dancing and walking is over-rated.” He placed a kiss on the tip of Kili’s nose. “I have a partner who can fly on wheels faster than I can run. My job is going to be to keep up with you, you silly Irish bastard.”

Fili pulled him in for a kiss and all Kili could do was feel how much he was loved. Their lips met in a kiss that lasted until neither of them could breathe. They were both idiots, but at least they were idiots together.

They cuddled together and talked for a long time, discussing things that neither of them had wanted to talk about. Kili’s paralysis and potential complications had been the elephant in the room for too long and both men decided that it was time to acknowledge it and their fears.

It could shorten Kili’s life, or bring on other health issues, but medicine could also catch up and there might be a future where Kili could walk again. And then there was the matter of Fili aging, or becoming disabled himself in some way. The future had many paths and they agreed that they would not know which one would be open to them. It was pointless to worry about things that might never happen, but wise to agree that they would be ready for them if they did and would stay together no matter what the future held.

“You’re mine,” Fili whispered into Kili’s ear. “I might fight with you, but I’m damned sure I’m going to fight _for_ you. No one and nothing will ever take you away from me. _Ever_.”

Kili held him tightly, lips curving into a warm smile. “And I’m not going to let you go. You’re my miracle. I’m sorry I got so scared.

The discussion dissolved into kisses and one kiss led to another, which led to deeper sweeter things…that lasted far into the night.

 

* * *

 

Kili was up and about in time for their meeting with Father Grey. Due to the duties of the priest, Kili had to miss several sessions, but was anxious to talk with the Father and to have him finally get to meet Fili.

The Kiwi was understandably nervous. Aside from being introduced to church at a young age and then allowed to choose his own path, he had no idea what to expect. In spite of Kili’s enthusiasm about the priest Fili still anticipated something from Medieval England when he walked up to the door.

He was pleasantly surprised to find a tall, dignified man who wore his years like a badge. His hair was as grey as his name and his face deeply lined, the understanding and gentleness in his eyes came from years of helping others. The casual clothes were a relief after the anticipation of flowing robes, perhaps with a deep cowl. Mentally chastising himself for watching too many bad movies, Fili eagerly shook his hand and accompanied him to the sitting room, where comfortable furniture and tea awaited them.

Father Grey seated Fili, handed him a cup of tea and made sure the plate of homemade biscuits was within easy reach. He looked directly at Fili and asked, “I understand that you and Kili are going to be married; are you sure that is wise?” The priest certainly knew how to cut to the chase.

Fili’s teacup wobbled and he tensed to stabilize it. “That’s, uh…the plan. When it’s legal here and all.” He took a breath and looked directly at the priest, challenge in his eyes. “And yes, I do think it’s wise. I love Kili more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone, if that’s what you’re asking.”

The priest smiled at him and said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ambush you.” The twinkle in his eyes belied his apology.

Fili was an old hand at therapy. He looked up, blue eyes shaded to gray. “I think you did.” Father Grey blinked, but said nothing. “I think you wanted to see my reaction to the question, to see if I’m serious about our relationship.”

The priest’s face softened and his eyes took on a gentleness that showed his love and concern for Kili. “You’re right, I did.”

A smile played at the corners of Fili’s mouth. “You can’t ambush me about my feelings toward Kili, or my intentions. I’m not too long out of a bad relationship and this is Kili’s first, so we aren’t rushing into anything.”

He looked over at Kili and smiled. “Are we?”

Kili, who had been watching the conversation between the two with something akin to horror, nodded. “Yeah. I told you, we aren’t going to do anything stupid.”

He took Fili’s hand protectively and sat there daring the priest to challenge them again.

Father Grey leaned back and sipped his tea.

Fili set his cup down and calmed himself. This wasn’t an attack; it was a request for confirmation. He squeezed Kili’s hand and let himself relax.

“I came to Dublin to photograph and to paint. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone, in fact it was the furthest thing from my mind.” He looked at Kili and smiled. “But when I saw him sitting alone at the pub, I just knew. I couldn’t leave without trying to make his acquaintance. I didn’t know he was in a wheelchair when I first saw him, but it didn’t make any difference. It still doesn’t.”

Father Grey’s expression remained unchanged. He was calmly waiting for Fili to continue.

“It felt like he was a part of me that I lost and have been searching for. And yeah, I know that sounds cliché, but it’s true.” He looked down at their entwined fingers. “I was terrified to talk to him and even more terrified that if I didn’t I wouldn’t have another chance.”

Kili squeezed harder and Fili heard his own knuckle pop, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that his Kili was holding onto him as tightly as he could. He squeezed back.

Father Grey set his tea down and leaned forward. “Well, it seems that you two are a match. You both went through a lot and I know the last few months haven’t been the easiest.”

Kili chuckled and the tension was broken. “That’s an understatement.”

“But you are getting through it together and that’s what’s important. Kili told me about the talk the two of you had. I’m glad to hear that you’ve come to an accord. You have formed a team and it’s not only based on sex. If more people did that, there would be far fewer divorces.” The smile the priest gave them nearly made the two of them blush. He knew what they did and how much they enjoyed it and each other. They had his blessing for that and perhaps a touch of envy.

He turned to Fili. “I understand that you have been talking to your parents. How is that going?”

Fili had been considering what looked to be a raspberry biscuit, but quickly looked up ,surprised at the turn of questioning.

“Yes, they’ve decided that having a gay son is not so bad after all. Dad is interested in what I’m painting and Mum adores Kili. I think it’s partly his smile and partly the fact that his uncle is a famous chef. She wants recipes.”

“What do you think changed their minds?” Father Grey helped himself to a raspberry biscuit and held the plate out to Fili.

Fili had to choose between answering and taking a bite of biscuit, so he did both quickly. “They stopped worrying about what the neighbors would say.”

The priest waited for him to swallow. “The neighbors? Really?”

“Well, not exactly the neighbors. Dad is a professor of literature at Auckland University and they are very conservative. He was worried that it could hurt his chances for department head.”

“And did it?”

Fili shook his head. “Apparently not. Mum said in an email that all that remains is the formal announcement.” He tried to smile but didn’t quite succeed.

“It must hurt to know your father valued his career more than the love of his son.”

The blond couldn’t meet Father Grey’s eyes. Kili squeezed his hand and he laid the other one on top of Kili’s. “I felt abandoned. I wouldn’t have stayed with Daniel if I had any place else to go.”

“Kili’s told me a little about him,” the priest interjected. “Did they know how bad it was?”

“We weren’t speaking, so no, they had no idea and I didn’t know how to tell them. They still don’t know.” Fili swallowed hard. “At some point when things are better between us I’ll tell them. I don’t want to lay a guilt trip on them that they don’t deserve.”

“A wise choice. Let it heal before you make another wound. Picking off the scab never solves anything except to make everything hurt all over again. They couldn’t help what they didn’t know about.”

He stood up and said, “I believe I would like a bit more tea before we begin the rest of our chat. How about you two lads?”

They talked for the better part of two hours. As he became more comfortable with the priest, Fili’s defenses dropped and he ended up telling his story, adding details that Kili had never heard.

Father Grey didn't shy away from the hard questions and both men found themselves answering honestly. Fili admitted that Kili's disability worried him in that he was afraid that at some point, Kili would cut their time together short. Kili admitted to the same worry and the two of them agreed than they need to talk to Bofur and maybe Dr. Oin, Kili's psychiatrist. Worse was Kili's fear that his disability would become a burden.

"It's bad enough that you have to check my arse every night, but you having to wait on me while I'm stuck in bed with an ulcer was feckin' awful!" There was desperation in his voice that Fili had never heard. He turned to face the Irishman and saw the depth of the fear that was in his eyes.

"I check your butt because I like doing it." He smiled reassuringly. "You have a nice rear end and, begging Father Grey's pardon, I enjoy the scenery." The priest chuckled, and Fili continued. “If I hadn’t caught that red spot when I did you would have spent more than a week in bed.”

“And I was a colossal pain in the arse about it,” Kili protested.

“Yeah, you weren’t happy and let everyone know about it.” Fili grabbed the frame of Kili’s chair and turned him around. “And you know what – we all understood. You can’t take an athlete and suddenly tell him to stay in bed for a week and not have some fallout over it.”

“But I drove you out.” Kili was ashamed of his behavior.

“In a way.” Fili’s smile was gentle and he squeezed Kili’s hand. “I couldn’t bear to see you so unhappy, so I used it as an excuse to get some work of my own done. It was my bad that I didn’t talk to you about it.”

He leaned over and kissed Kili on the tip of the nose. “Also, you were a bitch.”

Kili took a mock swing at him and laughed. “You see what I have to put up with?”

Father Grey shook his head. “I see two men who have a pretty good idea how to work things out.”

He rose, indicating that their meeting was over. He focused on Fili. “I admit that I was quite concerned when Kili first told me that he was going to marry the first man he met after his accident, but now I’m relieved. I don’t think he could have found a better partner. He will bring a sense of wonder to your relationship and you know how to survive adversity. It is an excellent combination.”

He smiled at Kili. “This conversation is one I shall enjoy sharing with your mother, with your permission, of course.”

Both men quickly consented. Maybe if Dis could see what a good man her son had chosen it would help her to understand why Kili had chosen him. They left smiling. It had been a rough couple of weeks, but there was a soft bed waiting for them and they had a lot of cuddling to catch up on.

 


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili may have taken amazing leaps off of ramps when he raced his BMX bike, but since being in a wheelchair the one thing he's avoided is going out alone in public. It's easy to pretend that nothing has changed when you have friends to distract you. Surrounding yourself with people who accept and ignore your disability is easy. Being around people who see the chair instead of you is not so easy. But Kili can no longer hide away and it's time to man up and get back into the world. But is the world ready for him?
> 
>  
> 
> Wow, thank you all for the welcome back. I can't stay gone from these boys for very long, they have so much to say that they keep poking me. I try to make what I write as true and honest as I can. I'm glossing over Kili's pain issues somewhat. Injured nerves tend to be pissy and complain a lot. Being a BMX racer, Kili has learned how to handle pain (watch these guys wipe out and you will see what I mean) so he can ignore it better than some. It's the feeling like a freak, or a non-person that is the hardest. Remember that the next time you see someone who is differently-abled. Smile and say hello, you might make a pretty cool friend. :)

 

 

The Referendum was like a wind blowing through Ireland. It gained strength from the young who were unwilling to continue a legacy of prejudice. It rattled the cages of the conservatives and the deeply religious. It divided families, but also brought them together. The hashtag “LoveWins” along with “Yes Equality!” was on bumper stickers, posters, and was trending on Twitter.

Fili and Kili found themselves swept up into the campaign and, in turn, dragged Thorin and Bilbo into it. There were a few raised eyebrows when Mr. Oakenshield came into the office sporting a rainbow lapel pin that proclaimed “YES Equality,” but not many and only the newer staff. Bilbo, with his usual flair and savvy with the media, made an appearance on _Cooking With Treyvaud_ where he and Paul Treyvaud baked a rainbow cake that was too pretty to eat.

Bilbo raised eyebrows at home by declaring that he missed being on television and wanted to start another cooking show. Thorin, ever the wise man, held him down and shagged him until he decided that he’d rather be home with his gorgeous husband than staying up all night perfecting recipes.

Bofur, who had to remain neutral at work, happily showed off the photo of his little girl wearing a “Love Wins” pin fastened to her onesie. At less than two months old, she was too young to do anything except drool on the button, which Bofur stated showed her approval.

Kili missed going to therapy twice a week and now only saw his friend once a month, which proved ideal for keeping up on little Maeve’s progress. Personally, he was progressing physically by leaps and bounds. His spine was healing from the surgery and the nerves that weren’t severed were making slow but steady progress. He would always be paralyzed, but with luck he would eventually have more feeling in his lower body.

As the time grew closer for Fili’s showing in London, the Irishman tried not to show the stress he was feeling. Fili was going to be in London for two long weeks. He would be setting things up and then hosting the one-man-show. Even if Kili went, Fili wouldn’t have time for him. He would be adrift in a strange place with strange people.

He refused to admit that the idea of being around so many strangers made him nervous. He’s always been extremely gregarious and would be the life of the party if given half a chance. But his body had changed and his confidence had changed along with it.

Tauriel had warned him more than once that his life had become very insulated and the only people he associated with were ones who were comfortable with the idea of him being in a wheelchair. By unspoken choice, he didn’t see anyone who had known him before his accident. He couldn’t bear the thought of seeing pity in their eyes.

If he took a plane he would face unknown challenges. What if he needed to use the loo, or got sick (never mind that it was only a 90 minute flight.) It would also mean booking a hotel room that was handicapped accessible and how would he travel without a car? He’d never even taken the tram; the thought of braving the tube in a chair was daunting.

Here he was normal. There he would not be.

It was a reality that Kili had long put off facing and it ate at him.

 

* * * * *

 

Fili was finishing up the one of the last paintings he planned to take. It was a New Zealand sunset and made him more homesick than he wanted to admit. Dublin was wonderful, but the sun was not a frequent visitor. Sometimes he longed for the days at the beach, playing in the surf and letting his skin turn as golden as his hair.

The lift rattled and Kili wheeled out and stopped in front of the painting.

“Is that your beach?” Kili rolled closer and looked at it wistfully.

Fili laughed as he put down his brush. “Do I own it? Only in my head, Karekare is my favorite beach though. I love the black sand and watching the sun set over the Tasman Sea.”

“The Tasman Sea. That sounds so exotic.” Kili shifted in his chair, leaning forward to get a better look.

“It does, doesn’t it?” Fili rinsed his brush and carefully shaped the tip. “But it’s just a bit of the Pacific someone decided to give a special name because it separates New Zealand from Australia. Except for the black sand it looks pretty much like the beaches in Dublin, with the bonus that it actually has sun most days.”

“I wish we had black sand.” Kili looked longingly at the painting.

“No, you really don’t. It comes from volcanoes; lots and lots of volcanoes. There are fifty in Auckland alone and about a dozen others scattered over the north island and in the sea,” Fili replied with a chuckle.

Kili’s eyebrows shot up. “Why haven’t you been blown off the map?”

“Most of them are dormant, but there is always the threat that something will rile one of them up. I suppose we live by the same principles as the people who build cities in flood planes. You never think it can happen to you.”

With a twinkle in his eyes he grinned at Kili. “We also have earthquakes, sometimes several a day. Both islands are shot through with fault lines.”

“Jaysus, and this is the place they picked to be Middle-earth?” The beach had looked so pretty.

“Well, we do have Mt. Doom. But it honestly isn’t all that bad. You get used to a little shake now and then and our volcanoes are typical Kiwis, being polite enough to give us notice before they erupt.”

Kili laughed at the idea of polite volcanoes. In Dublin the volcano would pop up anywhere it bloody well wanted to and fuck you if you didn’t like it.

Fili had a full day ahead, touching up paintings, packing them in Styrofoam and cardboard and then the actual shipping. He wasn’t sure which part of the process he found the most stressful. The only good thing was that it kept him from thinking too much about the actual opening.

He might be good at painting, but he sucked at meeting people.

Kili, for his part, was only too glad to help with the packing. He had a good eye and was aces at cutting the thick Styrofoam to size. He taped the cardboard carefully and affixed the shipping labels.

With every label, he felt the weight of Fili’s opening press heavier and heavier.

He knew how much Fili wanted him to go with him and how much it would mean to him. Kili could feel the sadness even though Fili never mentioned it, or put any pressure on him.

He finished taping the last box, rolled over and waited patiently for Fili to be able to take a break from touching up a sail on a boat in Dublin Bay.

“And you want?”

“A kiss.”

Kili did the puppy-eyes at the blond, who laughed in response. Snagging the front of Kili’s tee, he pulled the Irishman to him for a long kiss that ended in tongue and breathlessness.

“I was going out,” Kili managed to say, “but I’d rather stay here.”

“I’d rather you stayed here, too,” Fili said, taking a deep breath too cool off. “But I have more work to do and no time to do it.”

“Should I stick around to help?”

“Naw, it’s artist stuff, picky and boring. The gallery is sending someone by to pick them up for shipping, so at least I don’t have to bother with that.”

He kissed the Irishman again, more chastely this time. “Go and take care of your own business. Have fun.”

“Sure,” Kili said, trying to disguise his nervousness. “I’ll go run my errands and ‘have fun.’”

Kili got into his car and sat for a moment behind the wheel. He’d made up his mind that today would be the day. It was stupid to feel like this. He’d ridden the tram all his life, with or without a ticket.

A tiny smile tugged the corner of his mouth as he remembered the ways he had avoided the conductor spot-checking tickets. Hiding in the women’s loo had been his favorite and had once earned him a cuff in the back of the head from a disgruntled woman who had been waiting to use it.

He pulled his car into the Red Cow Station (he didn’t think he’s ever get used to having to use disabled parking) rolled inside, purchased his ticket without issue, and waited for the tram.

It was well after rush hour, so the station was not crowded. Kili noticed that people arriving for the same tram did not stand close to him and no one made eye contact, except a toddler who found him fascinating. He stared until Kili crossed his eyes and stuck out his tongue, prompting a burst of giggling from his audience. The boy’s mother noticed Kili, smiled at him, and then picked the child up, saying something Kili was unable to hear. It was evidently that it’s not polite to stare at people in wheelchairs and the child spent the rest of the wait looking far too hard in the opposite direction.

When the tram stopped he went to the door marked with the disabled symbol and located a spot to park his chair. There were a number of regular seats near him, but no one sat close. He pulled out his phone and tried to check his email, but concentrating was difficult. He wasn’t used to feeling conspicuous and, worse, unapproachable.

As the tram pulled out of the station, Kili began to feel very alone.

  

* * * * *

  

Fili looked at the wrapped painting and heaved a sigh. The opening was only three weeks away. It had seemed so exciting to have his own show in a prominent gallery, but now that the time was growing close he was starting to panic. He couldn't possibly get everything done in time and Kili was still resolute about not attending. That pained him the most. He couldn't imagine going without the Irishman. It wasn’t just that he could use some moral support, but there was so much he wanted to share with Kili.

He had never expected his art to warrant a private showing at an exclusive London gallery. It was a combination of exciting and terrifying. It was one thing to be one of many and quite another to have the entire affair revolve around him. If it was a bust, the blame would fall solely at his feet.

He looked at the painting of Howth Harbour he was working on and sighed. It was very like the one he had done for Thorin, only he’d chosen to work from the sunset photo after Kili had found it and started making those noises only dogs could hear.

He wasn’t satisfied with it. Sunsets, like dawn, were a bitch to get right. The light was so translucent and ephemeral. It was hard to capture it with a brush and acrylics, but watercolor was even more difficult. Fili mused that if he ever painted a sunset he was happy with, he would finally have achieved the goals he’d set for himself when he’d first picked up a brush so long ago.

  

* * * * *

  

The tram rumbled on and Kili sat by himself in the disabled section where he could lock his chair down. Aside from a couple of inquisitive children and one very pretty girl no one seemed to notice him. The girl smiled at him and nodded before pulling out her phone and getting lost reading the screen. That seemed like a good idea, so Kili pulled his out of his backpack to check his email.

He found a text from Thorin that he’d missed and opened it. “Call me after ten.”

Kili hit the call icon and Thorin picked up almost immediately.

“Are you sitting down?” Thorin asked with a serious rumble.

“Ha, ha, very funny,” Kili replied. “Did you want me to call just so you could make bad jokes?”

“Not at all.” Kili could hear the amusement in his uncle’s voice.

Thorin chuckled. “Just thought you’d like to know that weird-looking chair is here. You know, the one that you’ve been half killing yourself to use.”

“Oh shit, my racing chair is here?” Kili’s voice rose, attracting a good bit of attention.

‘Indeed it is, so if you are free, why don’t you come over this evening and have a look at it?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be there. This is feckin’ brilliant! Now I can enter the Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon!”

Kili didn’t realize until he disconnected that half the people in the car were grinning at him. He looked around in astonishment and a bloke at the back of the car did a fist pump and gave him the victory sign.

He gave the victory sign back and there was applause, along with several shouts of encouragement. Apparently being a disabled athlete was different than just being disabled. He was no longer considered to be handicapped. Now he was a marathoner.

He called Fili to break the news and sat there grinning as he listened to his Kiwi cheer. They made a plan about what to bring to dinner, because of course, Bilbo would be cooking. Kili grinned. Now he had something better to think about during the ride.

He forgot all about being different and being alone. Kili didn’t realize it, but his body posture changed completely. The slump in his shoulders was gone, making him sit taller and straighter. His expression had gone from hesitancy to expectation, inviting people to meet his eyes and acknowledge his presence. He was thinking that people had changed, when in reality – he was the one who was different. He was back to being Kili and, as always, people responded positively to the handsome smiling bloke, with a look of welcome in his eyes.

When the tram arrived at Heuston Station, he waited until the traffic cleared to leave. As people left he received words of encouragement and several fist-bumps. The pretty girl waited until he left and stepped out behind him.

He looked up in surprise as she said, “I’m not trying to pick you up or anything, but I’m running in it, too. I just wanted to say that I wish you the best of luck and hope I see you in the race.”

He grinned as she turned away and then called after her. “Hey, what’s your name?”

She turned and called back, “Fiona, Fiona O’Malley.”

“I’m Kili Oakenshield. I’ll see you there!”

Fiona laughed. “You got it. We’ll lift a pint afterward to victory.”

“You’re on!”

It felt incredible to get back some of what he thought he’d lost. For a few minutes he hadn’t been the invisible bloke in the wheelchair – he’d been a marathoner…an athlete…someone who meant something. He resolved to stop hiding and get that feeling back.

Kili had to pass through the station on the way to the bus stop and paused in front of The Sugar Loaf Bakery. He had to watch his weight, but the treats in the window looked so good. He wanted a chocolate cupcake so bad he could taste it.

Only his resolve to be able to compete instead of sitting at home in front of the TV kept him from going in. Maybe he’d stop on the way home and pick up one that he and Fili could share. That thought cheered him and he went out to wait for the bus.

This time he wasn’t so fussed about people not looking at him. He knew it was the chair. They didn’t know him and if they did, like the people on the train, they’d be a lot friendlier. That thought cheered him and he occupied himself with checking his email.

He went shopping, something he’d always hated to do. This time it wasn’t so bad. He’d never actually gone without his mum and he found that shopping had a lot more going for it when you could choose the shops yourself.

It was getting on toward lunchtime and it had been a very long time since Kili had enjoyed a beer and a burger at the Pig n’ Poke Pub. It was a hangout for the BMX crowd, but he doubted that he’d find anyone there in the middle of the week. Still, it would be good to eat good food and stir up a few memories.

This time on the bus, he got a smile and a wink from a handsome ginger. He wasn’t sure if it was directed at him or the “Yes Equality” pin he was wearing. Either way, it made him smile and wink back. If there were any frowns, he didn’t see them. He was feeling too good about the day and himself to be fussed to look for them.

The bartender was new, but the waitress who greeted him at the door wasn’t.

“Kili!”

She nearly bowled him over backward hugging him.

He rocked down onto his front wheels and momentarily appreciated the fact that his face was buried between her ample breasts. Boobies were nice, even if you were a gay man.

“Damn, Katie, it’s good to see you too. If I’d known you missed me this much, I would have stopped by long ago,” he teased.

She giggled and straightened up. “I wish that was true,” she said, pointing to his pin.

Kili smiled up at her and winked. “Ah, for you, my love, I would make an exception.”

Flustered, she moved back and picked up a menu. “Jack and Willie are here, would you like to sit with them, or by yourself?”

The wheelchair makes an appearance, he thought sadly. “I think they could use some harassment. Lead on.”

The men were more than surprised when Kili came up. “Mind if I join you?”

They stumbled all over themselves to welcome him and then immediately poured out the excuses for why they hadn’t visited him at hospital.

Kili waved their protestations away. “Don’t go there. I wouldn’t have visited me either. Guys like us don’t want to think about hospitals, let alone go into them if we don’t have to.”

Jack started to say something, but Kili cut him off. “I’m doing really well. I’m getting back into racing and I just want to catch up with what’s been happening. Let’s start with why you’re here at this ungodly hour.”

The burger was better than he’d remembered and the company, now that they’d gotten past the guilt, was excellent. There were so many stories, including the fact that Jack had introduced himself to the side of a ramp arse first and broke his tailbone. He literally had to sit out a few races and according to Willie never stopped whinging about his arse.

The moment he said it, Willie froze up and Kili burst out laughing. “Stuff it, ya sod, I’m not that delicate. Never pass up the chance to make a good arse joke no matter who the company is.”

Visibly relieved, Willie grinned and reached over to clasp Kili’s hand. “We missed you, but you didn’t hear that from me.”

“I missed you guys, too. I shouldn’t have stayed away so long.” He took a sip of his beer. “It’s too feckin’ easy to get in a rut. The truth of it is, I’m still getting used to being in this bloody chair and all the shite that goes with it, but I’m getting there.”

Jack nodded. “Never saw you back down from a challenge.” He gestured toward the chair with his beer. “I thought that might happen someday, but I thought it was going to be ‘cause you were one reckless fucker.”

Kili laughed so hard he broke into a coughing fit and Willie slammed him on the back. That hurt like a bitch, but he didn’t let on. “I was fucking crazy, wasn’t I? I think I was trying to prove something, but damned if I know what.”

“You said something about racing again?” Willie asked. “How the fuck does that work?”

For the next half hour Kili talked about wheelchair racing, the Paralympics and the Rock n’ Roll Marathon. He passed around his phone and the lads were suitably impressed by his racing chair. It wasn’t a BMX and he wouldn’t be getting any air with it, but those days were past and he didn’t have time to mourn them.

It was nearly two when Kili allowed as how he had to do more than drink and shoot the shit. They swapped mobile numbers and then parted with the promise to get together again soon. Kili added the date of their next practice race to his calendar and vowed that he would be there. He couldn’t stop supporting his team just because he couldn’t race with them any longer.

Katie finished cleaning the table by the door and came over to say goodbye. He promised to be back and to bring Fili with him.

He was just asking for her mobile number when a man came in, paused long enough to take in Kili’s equality button, then pushed his way past them, sneering, “Faggot.”

A questioning eyebrow went up and Kili looked at the waitress. “Must be my charming personality spilling over.”

The man stopped and glared at him, pointing to his pin. “Ireland don’t need the likes of you mucking it up. If you don’t like the law, take your crippled pansy arse to England. They love perverts there.”

Fiona stepped between them, her blue eyes dark with anger. “No fighting in this pub and no talk like that. I won’t serve you. Get out and take your tiny mind with you.”

The response was a snort of derision. “Cripple faggot needs a woman to protect him.”

Kili had heard enough.

“I don’t need anyone to protect me. The lady has a right to tell you to get out. I’m telling you the same.”

“You gonna make me?” He took a step toward Kili.

The Irishman shrugged. “If I have to.”

Kili leaned over and grabbed one of the heavy carved chairs from the table. Lifting it one-handed over his head, he held it there and smiled.

“Want to see what I can do with two hands?”

The look on the man’s face said that he didn’t. Without another word, he turned and bolted out the door.

Kili put the chair back and laughed. “Pansies 1, arseholes 0.”

Willie came up and gave Kili a high-five while Jack held up his phone. “We had your back, but this was fucking brilliant! I got it, you are gonna be YouTube famous.”

Katie shook her head and looked at the three of them with exasperation. “It’s just like old times.”

“Yeah,” Kili replied happily. “Just like old times.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone for their kindness and support. Hopefully, I'll get back on a more regular update schedule from now on. :)


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An interlude -- because they need one. :)
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you as always to Kelly - Ceallaig1 for being my beta reader, wife and best friend.

 

 

Kili sat in his racing chair and adjusted his body, rolling his shoulders to ease the stiffness. He was in a kneeling position to allow his extended arm to reach the bottom, or six o’clock position, on the push rim that circled the wheel. He had to be able to get a clean sweep from the top to the bottom of the wheel. He’d tried with his feet forward, but it just hadn’t worked as well.

He’s been so chuffed to get his chair and so excited to try it out that it had never occurred to him that putting out maximum effort while sitting in a new position was going to prove to be extremely painful. The short periods when he’d borrowed a chair had left him a little stiff, but the prolonged training sessions in his own chair really took a toll. Fortunately he had his own personal masseur.

Fili had impressed everyone when he’d asked Legolas how to massage Kili’s aching shoulders and back. His gentle artist’s hands had proved surprisingly strong as they dug deep to work out stubborn kinks and soothe stretched muscles. He’d also found a recipe for a eucalyptus pain remedy on line that worked surprisingly well. Taking care of Kili had also kept him from focusing on his upcoming show.

When he felt comfortable, Kili rolled the chair over to the starting line. He needed practice getting off the line faster. He was still losing a half a second and it annoyed the hell out of him. Add that half a second to any mistakes he might make, or a bit of bad luck, and it could cost him the race.

After the fifth practice start, Legolas called a break. It chafed Kili to stop, but his shoulders were screaming and he needed to rehydrate.

“You’re still using too much force,” Legolas said as he handed Kili a bottle of water. “You’re shoving down like you’re trying to drive the chair into the ground. That’s what’s killing your back and shoulders. Because you are still pushing down when you should be letting go and swinging your arm back…”

“I’m costing myself time,” Kili finished for him. He’d heard it a thousand times; he just couldn’t seem to make his body listen.

Not being able to make his body listen was an ongoing source of stress, one he didn’t share with anyone. Every morning when he woke, he tried to move his legs, his toes…his anything. And every morning was the same as the one before it… his body lying as limp and unresponsive as ever. His only consolation was that at least he had stopped crying about it.

He tried again, forcing his brain to reprogram and allow his arms to move in a circle. The downward slam had been necessary with a bike where the pedals had automatically cycled his legs back up. The wheelchair didn’t have that capability and required more from him than brute strength. He put his head down and fought for that turn and release.

“You got it!” Legolas yelled, arms in the air as he cheered the Irishman as he flew by.

Kili pulled up, sweat dripping from his hair, a big grin on his face. “Did I do it?”

“Yeah, you stubborn bastard, you finally did. That one was perfect. Now let’s do it again.”

  

* * * * * 

 

Fili had finally stopped lying to himself about being nervous. He felt as if he was going to come out of his skin. Even the slightest sound made him jump. Worse, he'd been sharp with Kili over the stupid question of what he wanted for breakfast. He’d apologized immediately and the brunet had hugged him and assured Fili that he knew it wasn’t meant the way it sounded. But he’d been quieter afterward and conversation at breakfast had been strained.

“I was horrible, mum,” Fili said. He could feel his face tighten and tears sting at the corner of his eyes. Damn, not only was he a bastard, he was a whiney one at that.

“I’m sure Killian understood,” she replied, trying to be supportive.

“I’m sure he understood too,” Fili’s voice cracked a little and he swallowed hard. “He knows I’m under a lot of stress, but it still hurts when you get cursed at for just asking someone how many eggs they want.”

He looked up at his mum and said, “I love him so much that it hurts sometimes. He’s stressed too and in pain a lot of the time, but he never complains. And here I am with nothing but a stupid art show and I’m acting like it’s the most important thing on earth.”

Grace smiled gently at her son. She wanted to be there for him and to do the things she hadn’t done when he was with Daniel. If she had maybe he wouldn’t have gone to the other end of the earth. “It is important to you and to your career, that’s why it’s stressing you out so much. But you’re right, it’s not more important that Killian’s training.

“It’s time to stop thinking about yourself, if you want this relationship to work, Philip.” Her expression was gentle, but her words had a bite to them.

Fili dragged his fingers through his hair, pulling the waves into curls. “I’m just so wound up in this show that it’s hard to think about anything else.”

“I know, but it’s time to make things be less about you and more about Killian, at least for right now. You’re doing so much art that he’s getting left behind. Make some time for him. Cook or order his favorite food, open a bottle of wine afterward and cuddle. Tell him what you told me and then let it go. It’s worked for your dad and me for more than thirty years.”

Fili chuckled at the thought. “That sounds brilliant. He’s said a couple of times that he wishes I’d share my feelings more. I got in the habit of keeping everything to myself and I can’t seem to let go of that.” His voice hoarsened a little on the last few words as he remembered Daniel telling him that it didn’t matter how he felt about things.

“Then it’s time to let the past go and live in the present. You have too much to be happy about to dwell on how it used to be. That’s not how it is, so go, do a little retail therapy and buy something yummy. And flowers…remember the flowers. At least one red rose and some baby’s breath to make it pop.” She smiled gently. “Your dad always loved flowers even though he’d never admit it.”

Fili burst out laughing. He should know by now that his mum would always have the answer. He knew that his dad loved flowers, he did too and that was probably where he got it. The roses in his mum’s garden were not usually cut, but sometimes they would appear on the table and those were the nights that his parents went to bed early. He blushed a little as he made the connection.

“One more thing, Philip.”

“Yes?”

“Your dad and I are coming to your opening. He sent for tickets and they could hardly say no. He wanted to surprise you, but I’ve pretty much convinced him that it’s bad manners to just pop in, especially when we want to come on down to Dublin for a couple of weeks. Now, we don’t expect you to put us up. We’ve booked hotel rooms with the help of that lovely uncle of Killian’s and…”

His whoop cut her off.

“You’re what? Ohmygod! You’re really coming here?” Fili couldn’t believe it. The thought terrified him – talk about adding an extra layer of stress – but he wanted to see them and he wanted them to meet Kili.

Fili ended the conversation to his mum with instructions to give a hug to his dad. It was so amazing to have them back in his life. He couldn't help but wonder if they would have supported him sooner if he had not been with Daniel. It was water under the bridge, as the saying went, but it was food for thought.

 

* * * * * 

 

 Kili rinsed his face and wet a corner of the towel that hung over his shoulder, using it to sponge down his armpits. There were shower facilities, but he didn’t usually avail himself of them. Grinning at his reflection in the mirror, he thought about how much better it was to shower at home, especially with Fili's help. He's also found that his scent after exercise turned his fiancé on. Who knew? But he was certainly not going to argue about a harmless kink when it had proved to be so beneficial. And fun...

Kili stripped off his shirt the moment he closed the door. He looked around, but Fili was nowhere to be found. Kili finally located him in the kitchen slicing mushrooms. He rolled over and deftly scored a few pieces.

Fili’s appreciative look lowered into a frown. "I've never understood how you could eat raw mushrooms."

Kili grinned. "It's a talent. Or maybe an Irish survival skill left over from when my ancestors would eat anything."

"I'm half Irish," Fili countered, "and you couldn't pay me to eat those raw. They're supposed to be sautéed with wine...lots of wine."

“Speaking of wine…” Kili just as deftly hooked the wine bottle off the counter, twisted off the cap, and downed a big swallow.

“That’s cooking wine, idiot and you’re in training,” Fili laughed as he retrieved the bottle and put it back on the counter.

Kili flashed a wide grin. “It’s all grist to the mill.”

“What does that even mean?” Fili asked as he pushed the mushrooms to one side.

“Damned if I know, but my gran used to say it every time I’d eat something, uh…unusual.”

He rolled over and slid his arms around Fili’s waist. “Anyway, now that you’ve wined and dined me, how do I smell?”

Totally bemused, Fili just looked down at him. “Like you came straight away from the track.”

A dark eyebrow rose quizzically. “That’s it?”

Feeling like he’d messed up, but not knowing why, the Kiwi blinked. “You smell sweaty and hot.”

Dark eyes grew even darker. “It’s the hot part I’m referring to.”

Reality dawned on Fili and he leaned down to bury his nose in the tangle of Kili’s hair. He smelled of sweat and dust and testosterone, but mostly he smelled of Kili and that was the biggest turn on of all.

Kili turned his face upward and Fili bent to claim his lips. It was at times like these when he missed Kili not being able to stand. But it was petty and the thought never lasted more than a moment. They had so much, that what little they didn’t have wasn’t important.

He wanted to pick Kili up and carry him to the bed, but he’d already discovered that the skinny Irishman had gained close to a kilo of pure muscle. His shoulders had broadened and his chest and back muscles were defined. He was well on his way to being ripped.

The sight made Fili even hotter and he wasted no time hitting the loo and stripping so that he could clean up. Hot and sweaty was his thing, not Kili’s. He grinned at the thought and joined Kili in the bedroom.

The brunet was already on the bed. His track shorts were nearly off and his dark blue boxer-briefs were pulled down, baring one hip. He was wrestling with the leg of his shorts; his left leg was in spasm and refusing to bend. It didn’t like being bent under him in the racing chair and was strongly protesting the mistreatment.

Fili reached down and slipped off the shorts, then took the spasming leg and stretched it gently, encouraging cramping muscles to release. He worked the leg back and forth, forcing it to bend at first and then easing it into a series of stretches to relax the cramps.

Kili watched him ruefully for a minute. “Sorry, I’m not very sexy at the moment.” His whiskey-bright eyes had darkened with disappointment. He was so tired of having his body betray him. It was never ending and had become an annoying, depressing, and painful fact of life.

Fili refused to lose the moment. He shifted his gaze from Kili’s face to his chest and then back again. “What makes you think I’m not enjoying the show?”

He grinned wolfishly as he pressed Kili’s bent leg up until his knee touched his nipple. “Do you have any idea how gorgeous you are when I do this? It makes your abs flex and I get a great view of you from stem to stern. Why do you think I’m always ready to do your stretches?” He winked cheerfully. “I get a nice show every single time.”

“You are so full of shite,” Kili whispered, sounding a bit less disappointed.

Another full stretch and compression, bringing Fili’s face close to Kili’s. He reached in for a quick kiss. “Nope, not kidding. I get to watch that magnificent hairy chest and your gorgeous hairy belly…and that treasure trail that leads to the goodies.”

Fili straightened up and gently laid the now relaxed leg down on the bed. He slid the palm of his hand from the center of Kili’s chest down to the hardening bulge in his briefs. “Oh yes, it shall be mine.”

Kili’s laugh was warm and bright, his sadness forgotten as he looking into his lover’s eyes and saw the desire and the love.

“If you’re trying to seduce me by quoting _Wayne’s World_ you’re succeeding.” At the touch to his groin, white heat had shot up his cock to the base of his spine.

“Well, the only other quote I know involves blowing chunks, so I guess I’ll just have to wing it from here on out.” He bent down and kissed the Irishman’s cock through the fabric of his briefs. Kili’s quick intake of breath was encouraging.

Fili ran the flat of his tongue along Kili’s erection. He could taste his cock mixed with the sweat of exertion and it was a heady mix. He didn’t know why he loved the taste and smell of Kili when he had been working out. It might be the pheromones or the scent of testosterone, or maybe it was that Kili being an athlete was just plain arousing. Fili didn’t question it, he just went with what turned them both on.

Nibbling along the length of Kili’s hard-on, he worked his way from the base to the head. His teeth nipped at the tip making the brunet protest, “Hey, watch the teeth, I like my foreskin right where it is.”

Fili backed off and planted a kiss on top of the nip. “Sorry, I got carried away. You taste good enough to eat.”

Kili smiled slowly and lasciviously. “Then put your mouth where your money is, because I’m feeling good enough to eat.”

A chuckle was his only reply. Fili was already busy slowly and gently removing Kili’s briefs. Some might not think that boxer-briefs were sexy, but then they had never seen Kili in them.

With Kili’s help, Fili rolled him as he slid the briefs down, making the Irishman’s erection sway from side to side. Timing it perfectly Fili captured it between his lips on the upswing and sucked nearly to the base in one long swift motion. Kili’s shoulders rose from the bed in response.

Fuck that felt good!

As he sucked, Fili eased the briefs down as far as he could reach. He’d finish that job in a moment. Meanwhile, he had more interesting things to attend to.

The brunet reached out and ran his hand through Fili’s hair, tugging gently in encouragement. He smiled at the feeling of the silken curls underneath his palm. Watching Fili work on him was half the pleasure. He would have scoffed at that idea a year ago, but now he got off as much on the visuals as the sensation. He still didn’t feel as much as he had and probably never would, but his eyes worked just fine. Fili was a treat for all the senses and didn’t appreciate himself half enough. From his golden curls and blue eyes that changed color on a whim, to his perfect features and those gorgeous dimples, down the perfect sweep of his body he was a visual feast. One that Kili intended to savor for a very long time.

Kili shifted position, wincing internally at the pinch in his lower back. His body was still getting used to the cramped position in the racing chair. As a BMX racer he'd long since hardened himself to pain. Injuries were just a part of the sport and riders prided themselves on how much of a beating their body could take and still function. Compared to the ache from some of his falls, this pain was nothing. He steeled himself against it and tried to relax into the sensation in his cock.

Fili was not really aware of Kili's pain, but he knew that the spasms had to be uncomfortable. He could feel Kili's left leg tightening, and slid his hand down the Irishman's thigh, fingers digging into the muscle and pausing to massage away a knot. He never paused in his attention to Kili's cock, so the brunet was unaware that his partner was taking care of him in every way possible.

The trip down Fili's throat was always thrilling. The New Zealander apparently had very little gag reflex, at least when it came to pleasing Kili. He was long aware of where the spots with the most sensation were and found them with the ease of long practice. Kili rose up, his shoulders leaving the bed as Fili's tongue pressed hard against the underside of his shaft and dragged from the base to the tip, where he paused to suck hard at the frenulum. 

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph," Kili exclaimed, his eyes fixed on what Fili was doing to him.

Fili hadn't heard that one before, so whatever he was doing must be working. He smiled to himself and sucked harder, flicking that sensitive area with the tip of his tongue.

Kili lurched upward, tangling his fingers in Fili's curls. He pressed down, encouraging the blond to take more of him. Turned on by Kili's urgent pleas, he slid his mouth down, sucking hard as he laved the underside of the Irishman's shaft with the flat of his tongue.

The orgasm coiled at the base of his spine and he pressed harder on Fili's head, demanding that he find that spot at the base where sensation was strongest. He fucked the blond's mouth, using his grip on Fili's hair to push and pull him up and down. He was past caring about being gentle, but he was not unaware that his treatment of Fili was arousing to them both.

When he came, he did so with curses that sang his pleasure and his love for Fili.

Fili stayed with him through the aftershocks, until his cock started to soften. He loved doing this so much. It hadn't been fun with Daniel whose firm guidance often left him choking, with his throat sore afterward. He'd approached it tentatively with Kili, but had quickly realized that this partner was forcing nothing, even when he held Fili as he had just now. All he ever had to do was resist in the slightest to be met with a quick apology and soothing kisses.

Kili looked down at his beautiful fiancé and smiled. "You have cum in your mustache."

An eyebrow went up. "I do?"

"Yeah, it's very sexy. Come on up here so I can clean it up for you. Can't have you being all sticky," he teased. "People will talk."

Fili laughed, his eyes sparkling and those amazing dimples sending tickles of desire down Kili's spine. "If I went out in public with cum on my face, they'd do more than talk."

"That's why it's important that you come up here right now."

"Right now?"

"If you don't I'm going to haul you up because I have this need to kiss you."

"Mmmm, then how could I resist?"

Fili slid up the bed until he was eye-level with Kili. The Irishman reached out and twisted the offending mustache braid between his fingers, pulling loose a pearl of semen.

Looking Fili dead in the eye, he very slowly and very lasciviously licked his fingers clean.

Fili nearly came on the spot.

"Jesus fuck, what you do to me."

He pulled Kili in for a hard kiss, exploring the cavern of his mouth as he sucked the very breath out of the Irishman's lungs.

With tongue and lips, Fili traced the outline of Kili's mouth, then trailed down the side of his neck interspersing hard licks with nips and nibbles.

"Ah jaysus, yuh know all me buttons," he said, lapsing into Clondalkin slang.

"Yeah I do," came the breathy reply, as strong fingers slid up the inside of Kili's leg where there was still sensation, and gently cupped his scrotum. Rolling the delicate contents around, Fili sucked a bruise into Kili's neck where it joined his shoulder. It was one of the brunet’s hot spots and as a result, his cock shot to attention, brushing the underside of Fili's forearm. Fili pressed down against it, never letting go of Kili's balls. He was a master at multi-tasking and used his strokes to stimulate both areas at once. Kili's responding moan signaled his approval.

Fili pressed his own erection against Kili's side, and the Irishman reached down to encompass it. He squeezed and Fili thrust, sliding his length through Kili's fingers and along his ribs. It was erotic as hell and Kili squeezed harder, encouraging his partner to seek his own pleasure.

They both knew what Fili wanted. He loved to straddle Kili, both their cocks in his hand and ride him slowly and sensuously until they were both so hot that their bodies demanded much more. Fili would slide his free hand under Kili's back to pull him even closer and then thrust hard so that their cocks slid against one another with enough friction to set them both on fire.

Fili buried his face in the crook of Kili's neck as his thrusts gained heat and speed. Kili had thought that he was sated, but being fucked by Fili brought back the raging heat and need. He wished that he could thrust back, but settled for using his hands to slide over Fili's back, digging his with his fingers to pull his love as close as he possibly could.

Suddenly Fili lifted himself on his elbow and looked into Kili's eyes. He came then, changeable eyes blazing dark sapphire, his dimples punctuating the look of utter pleasure on his face. He came on Kili. He came for Kili and ultimately, he came with Kili, as they held on to each other and rode out the storm of pleasure.

They cuddled together afterward, reluctant to be separated. Kili nibbled at the tip of Fili’s mustache, tugging him sideways until their lips could meet. He’d never wanted a permanent relationship and now he couldn’t imagine being alone. He was amazed at the changes in himself brought about by his love for the soft-spoken Kiwi who had so unexpectedly entered his life. So many changes in such a short period of time, but he regretted none of them. His life felt perfect, which was a little scary, but considering that he had thought it was over at one point he was willing to go with it.

Fili leaned into the kiss, enjoying the feel of Kili’s lips against his own. He enjoyed everything about Kili; not even the brief storms of Irish temper dampened his delight in his fiancé. Like most Dublin storms, they blew hard for a bit, did no real damage and then cleared to sunny skies with Kili apologizing for being a twat. He might be the occasional twat, but he was Fili’s occasional twat and that made the world a very warm place indeed.

When they could pry themselves apart, Fili got up to clean himself and get a warm cloth and towel for Kili.

He just started out the door when Kili called him back.

“Could you bring me a glass of water? I need to take a pill.” Kili didn’t quite meet Fili’s eyes and diverted attention by grabbing the control and raising the head of the bed.

Fili returned with cloth, towel, and a glass of milk. He set it on the nightstand. “You shouldn’t take those on an empty stomach.”

Kili shrugged. “I try not to take them at all.” He drank half the milk, downed a pill with the rest of it and set the glass back down.

Fili handed him the wet cloth and watched soberly as he cleaned himself up. Finally, he spoke.

“Was it something I did? Am I too heavy on you?”

Startled, Kili didn’t have an immediate answer. His brows furrowed and he replied. “No, it’s nothing you do, or don’t do. My back is fucked up. It’ll always be fucked up and sometimes it hurts. It’s no big deal.”

“It’s a big deal to me,” Fili replied softly.

Kili reached out and caught his hand, twining their fingers together. “I know it is.”

His smile was sweet and his eyes whiskey-amber as he looked up at Fili. “I can live with the pain, it’s the spasms that really bother me and you’re always right here to help me with those. You make this all so much better. At one point I didn’t know if I could go on, but you made me realize that life just going to keep getting better.”

He pulled Fili’s hand up and kissed his knuckles. “Thank you for loving me, Fili. Thank you for giving me my life back.”

Fili’s eyes filled instantly and he pulled Kili to him, holding him close. He was trying not to cry, but it didn’t work out particularly well and he ended up making rude noises against Kili’s neck that made them both giggle.

It ended with them both wiping their eyes and the length of Kili’s neck in addition.

“I love you so much,” Fili whispered as he curled up next to Kili. “I got my life back too. We’re a team.”

Kili kissed him on the nose. “Yeah, we’re superheroes. Now how about I throw your MARVELous arse in the shower.”

“Only if you promise to use the Captain America soap,” Kili replied with a grin.

“They make Captain America soap?” The quizzical expression on Fili’s face made Kili laugh so hard he had trouble catching his breath.

When he could get his breath he said, “Yeah they do. And Iron Man and Hulk and even Spiderman, but I got Cap because I know he’s your favorite.”

Fili had already returned with the shower chair. “Then what are we waiting for, Bucky?

Kili’s eyebrow shot up. “You’re a shipper?”

“And damn proud of it, so don’t take the piss or I’ll give you a cold shower and you really will be the Winter Soldier.”

As he bent to scoop Kili up he found himself entwined in strong arms. “I love you, Cap.”

Fili chuckled and planted a kiss on the tip of Kili’s nose. “And I love you, Bucky. Now let’s go play in the water so I can finish cooking supper.”

“That, my man, sounds like a plan.”

 


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wheelchair racing, sexytimes, feels and a bit of maturing...which is never a bad thing.
> 
>  
> 
> And here is the bread recipe: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/foodanddrink/recipes/11388009/Easy-beer-bread-recipe-with-parmesan-and-garlic.html

 

Fili drove home from the post office feeling as if a weight was off his shoulders. He’d shipped the last of his paintings the day before and had just finished sending a packet of personalized invitations. His agent had them specially made, printed with a variety of his paintings to whet the buyers’ appetites.

He hoped they would be whetted because he really needed to sell some paintings. The down payment on the building hadn’t been cheap and the refurbishing was making quite a dent in what was left. Thorin was paying for the redesign of the first floor, but the second floor needed to be done.

Before Kili had started serious racing the second floor had seemed roomy, but now with Fili’s studio, Kili’s workout equipment and the normal accumulation of “stuff” that a couple naturally acquires, it was beginning to feel cramped. He wanted some built-in cabinets and an actual design of Kili’s exercise area.

Okay, so some of what he wanted done was in his studio as well. He cherished the open design of the flat and he didn’t want anything interfering with it. So sue him if he liked to be able to sneak peeks at Kili working out. There was something about those rippling biceps and shoulder muscles that was endlessly fascinating.

The kitchen also needed some shifting around and there was a place that would be perfect for the new cabinets, specifically designed to be the right height for a wheelchair user. Fili had thought they might need a new stove as well, but Kili disagreed. The cabinets would be fine for the microwave and the crockpot, which were the two types of cooking that Kili knew how to do. Fili was the family chef and the Irishman was perfectly content to let it stay that way.

Fili deliberately took the long way home, enjoying being outdoors. The air was cooler as the year slid into the last full month of summer. He thought about stopping by Tymon Park, but he didn’t have his camera and was never satisfied with the quality of photos he took with his phone. Anyway, he still had about a hundred shots of Kili in his new chair to process. A couple really stood out and he wanted to work on one in particular and get it up on the wall in the gym area of the flat.

Seeing Kili in his own chair, going flat out for the first time, was a thrill he’d never forget. Everyone had been there to cheer him on, Dwalin’s raspy Glaswegian burr rising above them all. His choice of words had made Bilbo wince, but they were what Fili had been thinking. “Look at that fucker go!” was going to be his catchphrase for a long time to come.

Kili had been a dishrag when it was over, having pushed himself way too hard, but he was all curls and grins and so full of…well…himself that no one chided him. Dinner had been a celebration and no one would ever mention that Kili barely made it to the parking lot before throwing up.

Lesson learned – no heavy meals after a hard workout.

Fili pulled into his parking spot and looked at the building for a long minute. This was home. It was ugly and would always look like a repurposed factory, even with the greenery that Bilbo had insisted they all plant one long sweaty weekend. It was starting to look lush from Dublin’s frequent rains and Fili had to admit that he was insufferably proud of it and what it stood for. A year ago he would have laughed at anyone who had said that he would be in the process of buying an old building and be engaged to the most gorgeous man he’d ever seen. But he also would have laughed at the idea that he was having a private showing at a posh London art gallery and that his parents would be coming and actually want to meet his fiancé. If only Kili was willing to go, it would all be just perfect.

He slid out of the car and went into his home, willing himself not to feel disappointed. After all, this whole disability thing was still very new to Kili. How could he blame his love for being nervous about a flight and a week or more in a hotel room?

Fili shook his head and let it go. What will be will be.

He snapped a pale blue hydrangea head from the back of the bush and carried it in to brighten the room a little. There was no point in dwelling on something he could not and would not control.

 

* * * * *

 

Kili leaned into the wind. He had his form down and had almost stopped over-reaching his strokes. His speed didn’t top a BMX, but somehow being low and leaning so far forward made it feel faster. He didn’t analyze what was pointless to think about it. He just threw himself into it and went for the gold.

The Paralympics were starting in two weeks and Kili felt as if he needed to train as hard as the competing athletes did. Legolas had a hard time keeping him from doing injury to a body that was still conditioning and building flexibility and muscle. Tauriel understood and did her best to get him to slow down a little. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t.

At one point Legolas had stepped onto the track and literally stopped Kili in his tracks.

“Get out of my way!”

Legolas hadn’t moved and Kili had to skid the chair sideways to keep from hitting his coach.

Kili was furious. “What in the ever loving fuck are…”

“You thinking?” Legolas finished for him. “If you hurt yourself, it’s all over. What are you trying to prove? That you’re an idiot?” He leaned down and glared into Kili’s eyes. “That’s already obvious.”

“Just get out of my way,” The Irishman’s voice was low and dangerous.

“No,”

Legolas refused to move, stepping in front of the chair again as Kili whipped it to the right. “I can’t let you do this. If you want to abuse yourself, do it when I’m not around to watch.”

Kili leaned back and shoved his goggles up. “I’m not abusing myself, I’m practicing.” His voice was twisted into a sneer as ugly as the one on his face.

“No, you’re not. You’re trying to prove something and it’s going to get you hurt. You…”

He paused and looked at Kili’s face and then wheeled to yell for one of the bystanders to bring Kili’s regular chair. ‘Now!”

“What the fuck are you doing?” Kili slapped Legolas’ hands away as they unfastened the straps that held him in the chair but found his aim was unusually off.

“Getting you out of that chair before you die!” Legolas snapped.

“Hurry, he’s got dysreflexia!” he shouted to the man who brought up the wheelchair. Between the two of them, they grabbed Kili’s shoulders and lifted him out of his kneeling position and gently lowered him into his chair.

Kili was still furious, but fear had crept in. He’d never had dysreflexia, but knew it could be deadly. He stopped struggling and let them position him. He tried to help, lifting himself as best he could.

“Do you wear a catheter?” Legolas’ voice was sharp with worry.

“No…no, I don’t need one,” Kili twisted to look up at the faces staring down at him. “I emptied my bladder before I came onto the field.”

Legolas nodded, then turned to the big man who was standing behind Kili. “Tom, lift him up, straight up. Get him off his ass. Sorry, Kili.” He said it fast and moved even faster.

Before Kili could even react, Legolas’ hand was inside his shorts, doing something he could only marginally feel.

Colossally embarrassed, Kili squeaked as he was pulled even higher and then gently placed back in the chair. He sat there, face flaming, not knowing where to look. The last thing he wanted to do was look at the man who had just grabbed his junk.

He didn’t have a choice. Legolas got down and grabbed his shirtfront, yanking Kili’s face around. “Did you do it? Did you fucking boost?”

“What?”

“No.”

“No!”

Kili’s Irish temper threatened to explode. His eyes darkened to ebony, brows pulling down tightly, robbing his face of all beauty.

“Don’t you fucking accuse me of cheating!” His words whipped out from between clenched teeth.

“I’m sorry,” Legolas’ voice was low. He expression showed that he believed Kili. “Your testicles were twisted. Your blood pressure was so high you could have stroked out. You scared the shit out of me.”

Kili took a deep breath and let it out slowly, willing his anger to leave with it. “I don’t cheat. I never had to and I am not gonna start now.”

The blond nodded. He looked at Tauriel, who had just rolled up next to him. “Autonomic dysreflexia is nothing to fool around with. It can give you a hell of a boost when your blood pressure spikes, but it can kill you, or leave you completely fucked. I don’t think you want Fili to have to come and visit you in a care home while you drool and babble at him.”

Kili looked at Tauriel and shook his head. “I didn’t know what was happening, I just felt like I had energy to burn.”

She smiled gently. “You deserve more than to be a shooting star, especially not on a practice track. Now that you know how it feels, you know when to stop and get help.”

Legolas’ voice was softer. He laid a hand on Kili’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I yelled, but I do that when someone scares the shit out of me. Tomorrow we’ll work on getting you more familiar with how you should be seated to keep it from happening again.”

Kili nodded once. He was embarrassed down to his toes. He also felt like shit. Now that his blood pressure was back to normal, he felt like a limp rag. Legolas noticed and without another word, pulled out his phone and called Fili to come and pick him up.

A tinge of the anger was back in his eyes. “You didn’t have to do that. I can drive myself home.”

‘You shouldn’t chance it. Some athletes do it often enough to know how to handle it, but you aren’t one of them,” Legolas said easily, deflecting the Irishman’s anger. “You’ve been training too hard. You don’t need to push like you have a race coming up tomorrow.”

He started to talk, but Tauriel beat him to it. “I know how you feel. I was like this when I got my first racing chair. I wanted to set the world on fire. It takes a while to realize that half killing yourself isn’t helpful.”

She smiled and looked up at Legolas. “He threatened to sit on me until I settled down, not that I would have minded.”

In spite of himself, Kili chuckled at her sudden blush. He had fallen in love with both of them. They were family and, much as he hated to admit it, he owed them both so much. His anger had burned to ash and all he wanted to do was hug Legolas. Unable to rise to that occasion, he stuck his hand out.

“I’m sorry I acted the maggot.”

Legolas took his hand and squeezed it. “It’s all good. We’ll give your seating a tune-up tomorrow and you’ll be good to go.”

By the time they were back at the center, Fili had pulled up and was looking around nervously. He spotted them and hurried to Kili’s side.

“What happened, what’s the matter?” His eyes were gray with worry.

Before Kili could downplay it, Legolas spoke up. “I’m sorry to give you a scare. Like I said on the phone, he’s fine. He’s just a bit shaky and shouldn’t be driving.”

Fili dropped down on one knee and looked deeply into Kili’s face. He could see the pallor and there was still a fine sheen of sweat that stuck a few strands of hair to his cheek. The blond eased them away with the ball of his thumb. “Are you okay?”

Kili nodded. He was still ashamed even though he knew it hadn’t been his fault. “I got into my racing chair too fast and sat on my fucking balls.”

Fili’s eyebrows went skyward. He knew from experience how much that could hurt, but wasn’t sure why it constituted an emergency.

Legolas filled in. “It’s called autonomic dysreflexia, people with spinal cord injuries get it when they have pain in an area they can’t feel. The body responds to pain by elevating blood pressure and heart rate and pumping out endorphins. When you can’t feel the pain, you don’t move away from it and your body goes into a loop with your blood pressure getting higher and higher.

“It’s unfortunate that para-athletes have discovered that it can enhance their performance. It’s called ‘boosting’ and it’s illegal of course and highly dangerous, but some still do it.”

He saw the look on Fili’s face and quickly added, “This was accidental, and we’re going to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Kili made a wry face. “And I can add ‘ball tucking’ to my list of life accomplishments.”

Tauriel responded with an unladylike snort causing both Fili and Legolas to double over with laughter.

“I’m pleased you all find my nuts so entertaining,” Kili sniped sarcastically. “Now if you would like to stop making sport about my body parts, I’d like to go home because I feel like yesterday’s shit.”

“I’m sorry,” Fili said quickly. “Do you want me to move the car closer?”

Kili relented when he saw the worry steal Fili’s dimples. “Naw, don’t be sorry. If I can’t take the piss over this I don’t deserve to be racing. It’s just embarrassing, that’s all.”

With that, he rolled quickly over to the car and got in, neatly stowing his chair in the back. “Ready when you are.”

The ride home was quiet, with Fili giving him entirely too many concerned glances. Kili felt like shit about what happened, but it was unintentional and no harm was done. He had to admit that it had given him a hell of a rush – a thought he pushed to the back of his mind to be forever ignored.

When he got home, Kili went to the bedroom to take a nap until dinner. He fussed when Fili helped him off with his shoes, but he could see that the blond was still worried. Realizing that he’d be just as bad if their situations were reversed, he relented and let Fili help undress him and tuck him in. Anyway, he had to admit it felt nice to be taken care of. In the old days, he would have limped home after an injury and self-medicated himself to sleep. This was so much better in so many ways.

Fili took a few minutes to research autonomic dysreflexia and calmed down when he realized that if it was going to harm Kili it would have done it on the track. Relieved, he kicked on his computer and pulled up the photos of Kili in his new chair.

My god he was gorgeous, all big dark eyes, flashing grin and wild hair scarcely tamed by cramming it under a helmet. He was like a kid in a candy store, no…make that a kid getting his first bike. Can’t wait for it to be assembled, can’t wait for it to be adjusted, can’t wait to get in it. Gimme!!!

One of the shots that he wanted to frame was taken by Tom, the guy who brought Kili’s wheelchair over. It showed them all, with Dwalin, Thorin, and Legolas holding up the rear while Ori, Bilbo and Fili clustered around a grinning Kili. Tauriel had opted out of the shot, firmly stating that it was just for family and his coach. She did, however, agree to a shot with just she and Kili both looking insufferably pleased with themselves. Fili could see why Legolas was so in love with her. She was brilliant.

He set that one aside for framing as well and got up to start dinner. It needed to be something light, so he headed for the pantry to see if they still had any soup.

A quick call to Bilbo landed a recipe for herb quick bread that was easy to put together with what he already had in the cupboard. Kili had recently discovered buckwheat pancakes and Bilbo had said he could skip the instant polenta, so he was good to go.

The scent of baking bread brought Kili out of the bedroom. He was wearing only his boxer-briefs and a wisp of a tank top. Fili didn’t even pretend not to stare. The Irishman was too interested in the contents of the oven to notice. It wasn’t until he had to ask what it was the second time that he turned and realized he was the sole focus of Fili’s attention.

Feeling a delicious bit of self-confidence, he gestured toward the stove. “Oven. What’s in it?”

“Mmm, bread...” Fili responded dreamily. "How are you feeling?"

Kili giggled as he noticed Fili's expression. "I feel great and I'm starving, food would be good too." His grin pulled into a leer and he rolled over to Fili. He reached out and pulled him down so that he straddled the Irishman’s lap. The kiss was long and slow and indescribably sweet. Their tongues met and slid and licked and teeth nipped, tugging gently at lips that tingled in response.

“Want you,” Kili murmured into the hollow of Fili’s neck.

“Want you too, but the bread has fifteen minutes to go.” Fili’s response was as languid as his thoughts. All he wanted to do was throw Kili onto the bed and take him slowly, an inch at a time to celebrate that he was still here and still healthy.

“That’s plenty of time.” He nipped Fili’s neck and then soothed it with his tongue, licking away the sting.

“Plenty of time for what?” Fili pulled back so that he could see Kili’s eyes. They had gone dark with lust, the hooded lids shading them even darker.

“Stand up.” Kili’s voice was almost sharp, as he pushed Fili backward.

Confused, Fili slid off his lap. He scarcely caught his balance, before Kili’s hands were at his fly, one hand pulling it down, while the other expertly unfastened the button. Fili was already partially erect and this brought his cock to full attention.

“This isn’t really the place or the time,” Fili said, his voice dissolving into a soft moan as strong hands slid and squeezed sending shocks up his spine. "Are you sure you feel okay?"

“I feel just fine and it’s both the time and the place if I say it is,” Kili responded. “It’s our home and if I want to suck my fiancé off in the kitchen while he’s baking bread, I’m damn well gonna do it.”

If Fili had any objections, the sight of Kili licking his lips and the feel of those long fingers stroking his erection banished them from his mind. He arched his hips forward, leaning into the strokes, his brain noted the amount of time left on the timer and then went away.

The kitchen was the last unbaptized room in the flat and it was high time that was remedied. Kili palmed Fili through his jeans. He slid the flat of his hand upward, loving the feel of the softly worn fabric as it outlined Fili’s cock. He was the perfect size, not small, not huge, and comfortable no matter what they decided to do. And he was pretty, all pink and gold with curls that teased Kili’s nose as he leaned forward and slid Fili’s length.

Kili leaned in and inhaled appreciatively. He smelled like musk and aftershave and a tiny bit like rosemary.

Kili had never been able to decide which he liked the best, that slow tease through the fabric of Fili’s pants, or the act itself. They were different yet so arousing as they stimulated the senses with touch and scent and taste. And when he pulled back enough to focus, the visuals were mind-bending.

He unzipped Fili with torturous slowness, tugging the jeans down and then slipping his hand in to tease through the fabric of his briefs. A different sensation, sharper, and more exquisite as the Irishman dragged his fingernails along the shaft and up to gently scrape a thumbnail over the weeping head.

Gently pulling the briefs down, he reached forward with his other hand and encompassed Fili’s shaft. Soft as velvet, hard as steel, slick, and shimmering at the pearl pink tip, it was a feast for the senses. He leaned forward, his mouth already watering.

Kili went slow and easy with the soft sounds they both made filling the warm kitchen. Kili was hot for him, but Fili liked his blowjobs slow, giving him time to build his orgasm. He liked to savor it, ride it like a wave that inevitably crashed hard on the shore, leaving him gasping and trembling.

This time was no different. Kili knew exactly what to do and did it with remarkable skill. Deep throat was erotic and deliciously filthy, but not nearly enough stimulation, so the Irishman alternated between thrilling trips down his throat and a cunning use of fist and tongue, topped by exquisite suction at the crown.

Fili was pinned against the kitchen counter, which, truth be told, was the only thing holding him up. He braced himself with one hand, leaving the other free to tangle in Kili’s hair. He didn’t try to control the action. Hell, he could barely control his breathing at this point. He just loved the feel of Kili’s hair between his fingers and the extra connection with his lover.

Kili glanced up out of the top of his eyes and watched as Fili lost himself to the sensation. Wrecked would have been a good description and the thought made a giggle skip around Kili’s mind. He loved making it so good that Fili could barely breathe.

He’d still not felt the full quid when he woke, so he was planning any activities for himself to wait until his shower, but the pinch of his erection trapped in his boxer-briefs made him shift it and once shifted he might as well bring it out to play. This was new; they hadn’t done a standing blowjob with self-stimulation before. It was awkward as Kili’s main hand was already engaged, but incredibly hot.

He squeezed and stroked himself in unison with his attention to Fili. The dual stimulation was erotic as fuck and Kili felt his blood pressure rise, but this time, it was in a good way. He couldn’t believe how turned on he was and most of the reason was the pleasure he was giving to Fili. In the past, he’d always been out to get his end away, but the blond had brought out a different side, one that was far more generous.

He showed his generosity by not making Fili wait too long for relief. Kili held him at the edge of the precipice for a long moment and then moved in for the kill.

Fili cried out again and again as he emptied himself into Kili’s willing mouth. The man who would never swallow and been replaced by the man who could never get enough. He loved everything about Fili and this was one of the things that he loved the best.

As Fili peaked, Kili swallowed hard and then lost track of what he was doing as his own orgasm slammed into him, bending him forward, his own cries blending with Fili’s sobs

When he could breathe again, Fili looked down at Kili’s happy smirk and laughed. “You’re pure evil, you know that?”

Kili wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and made a show of licking off the slickness he’d gathered. “And you love it.”

“I do. And I love you. If you give me a couple of minutes I’ll prove it.”

“Too late,” Kili said cheekily, holding up his sticky left hand.

“You rotter, I would have helped, if you’d waited.” Fili wasn’t sure whether to be disappointed or not.

The Irishman shrugged. “Sue me. You turned me on so much I couldn’t wait.” He waggled an eyebrow suggestively. “I’m sure the well isn’t dry if you want to give it a shot in a few minutes.

“I want you, but the bread won’t be out for another ten minutes,” Fili said regretfully, as he tucked himself back into his jeans. “Or I could let it burn,” he continued, grinning roguishly.

“That’s my dinner you’re talking about.” Kili gave him a hard look that he didn’t quite pull off.

“Mine too, now go and throw your gorgeous arse in the shower, because I have to finish the bread and finish dinner.” He paused for a long suggestive moment. “Unless you’re already full.”

“You flatter yourself,” Kili shot back.

His only response was a hearty laugh.

One of the additions to the bathroom was a dressing table that Kili could easily boost on and off of to get himself ready for a shower and dressed afterward. He no longer needed Fili’s help, although Kili frequently hauled him in for a steamy shower session. Getting clean by yourself just wasn’t as much fun.

The quick bread recipe was proclaimed a keeper as was Bilbo’s potato soup recipe. Fili blushed off and on during the meal as his mind replayed what Kili had done. The Irishman never failed at turning him into a sobbing mess who begged for more. It still amazed him that this was his life now. No more tears, no more lying awake at night questioning his decisions.

Life wasn’t perfect of course, with the occasional argument, bills to pay and a reputation to build. The painting that hung in Thorin’s reception area had netted Fili several commissions, but it was his show in London that would either help him break into the world of big money, or ease him back into the reality of making enough to be comfortable, but not much more. It wasn’t that he wanted to be famous – he just wanted to prove to himself that he could do it. It was the same reason Kili was driving himself to race.

He smiled at Kili and reached over to squeeze his hand. His smile broadened as Kili lifted his hand and kissed his knuckles, one by one.

“You’re amazing,” Kili said softly. “And I can’t live without you.”

Fili started to respond, but Kili cut him off.

“Not even for two weeks. I’m going to London with you.”

Fili’s breath caught in his throat. “Are you sure?”

Kili nodded. “I’m sorry I said I didn’t want to go. I was afraid and I was stupid.”

He looked up at Fili, his eyes sparkling amber. “I realized I don’t have to be afraid of anything when I’m with you.”

Fili hauled his chair next to Kili and leaned forward to gather the Irishman into his arms. “I’m so proud of you. And you’re not stupid. Not one bit.”

Kili kissed him and leaned back. “Yeah I am, but nothing says I have to stay stupid. I figured I’d better grow a pair if I want to race, even if I did manage to sit on them today.”

He leaned back and tried to look nonchalant. “I’ve been practicing.”

Fili raised an eyebrow and Kili continued. “Yeah, I – woo-hoo – took the tram into Dublin and it wasn’t the big deal I’d told myself it was going to be. Father Grey bitched me out for locking myself into a safe little box and I realized I’d not only done it – I’d thrown away the key.

“I can fly to London, I can stay in a hotel room, I can ride the fucking underground, and I can stop acting like a toddler about the whole thing.”

He grinned, his eyes shading to gold. “And I can even wear a fucking suit and figure out which direction to stir my tea in when I meet those fancy arse art critics.”

Kili sat there looking insufferably pleased with himself, completely unprepared for Fili’s onslaught.

The blond grabbed him and pulled him in for a hug so tight that he “oofed” in surprise.

“I love you! I love you goddamn much.” Fili’s words were a stream of consciousness, pouring straight from his heart. They washed over Kili and held him as tightly as Fili’s arms. He leaned into both the hug and the words, losing himself in the joy of being loved and being proud of himself and his partner.

 

**Author's Note:**

> My eternal gratitude to Ceallaig for beta reading and offering excellent critiques. And to Pabu for her advice as well as her glorious art.
> 
> Hallie, who inspired "Chase" and writes "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us" is a paraplegic herself. SHE HAS RAISED ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY HER RACING WHEELCHAIR SO THAT SHE CAN COMPETE IN THE TOKYO PARALYMPICS!!! 
> 
> You are missing out on two great stories if you haven't read Hallie's "Romance in Rio" and "We're Fighters, Every One of Us." In Rio both Aidan and Dean are wheelchair athletes at the Paralympics. [**Romance in Rio**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1093396) In "We're Fighters" Dean has epilepsy and Aidan is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. [**We're Fighters, Every One of Us**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/988916)
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, kudos, or creative criticism you don't want to put in a comment, please email me at drakkhammer@gmail.com
> 
> My new blog is: [Drakkhammerwrites](http://drakkhammerwrites.tumblr.com/%22%22)
> 
> Be sure to follow Pabu's Tumblr [**hvit-ravn**](http://hvit-ravn.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thank you very much for reading. I hope you enjoy the story and the marvelous art.


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